a commitment phobe needs your help

[diver-girl]

Hello, I have turned to this forum for help. I know about my commitment issues, but have never really had the courage or drive to resolve them. (Distant, emotionally challenged father & low self esteem) I need advice on how to break the cycle of pseudo self-preservation.

 

In August of 1999, I answered the personal ad of man in London. (I am in the states). The text of his ad was sweet and genuine and I wanted to encourage him in his search for a relationship. We began writing back and forth with some regularity. We also used ICQ to chat on occasion. In the past year and a half, we seem to go through phases as though we are "in crush", I hope that makes sense. Make no mistake, we also go through phases where we are out of crush too. As time passed, the communication became more and more frequent. About 3 months ago, I started dating a man locally. This was a big step for me as I had been "gun shy" after a bad break-up in 1998. The "frisky" way I felt after spending time with the local guy seeped over to the guy in London. My emails became flirtier and he responded in the same manner. I think he is one of the greatest people I have ever met. Clever and witty, polite and sincere. I truly believe he is "himself" and not a cyber-dating weirdo because he has NEVER said anything remotely out of line or inappropriate.

 

Now our emails have become even more frequent (several a day) and we can spend an hour a day chatting on ICQ without even realizing the time has passed. We had spoken on the phone a few times before, and phone calls are also becoming more common. The problem is, the mere thought of meeting him makes my stomach ache. He has commented on how I seem to "clam up" when we are on the phone, but respond with a quick, sharp comments when chatting online. Last night he made reference to how I would react "if we were to meet". I am about to sound like a teenager (I am 35) but part of me wants to stop writing him. The more I get to know him, the worse my anxiety becomes. I should point out that he has invited me to stay with him if I were to visit the U.K. but never mentioned coming for the sole purpose of meeting him.

 

In the past, my commitment issues have appeared in the form of dating married men, living with a man who was JUST like my father and dating a man who was an alcoholic. Who says you learn from your mistakes? This Internet "relationship" seems to be another way I protect myself from getting hurt. In truth, I had no plan for it to go "this far". I thought we would email once or twice and that would be it. The romantic in me would like to think it is "fate", which may be the reason I kept on writing to him.

 

Please help me find a way to get beyond my fear of being hurt. I welcome any advice. I will watch Oprah and I will read any book on the subject. I know the time has come to get beyond this. If not to meet my online friend, then to meet someone who is a little more geographically desirable.

 

Thank you for the time you spent reading this.

[Tony T]

You have already taken the first bold step in your goal to overcome your fear. You have admitted you have this problem, you fully own up to it, you know exactly why you have it, and you have stated you want to get over it. Wow, that's half the battle already won!!!

 

You need to stop all the behaviors that have served to keep your fear in check in the past. Stop these computer relationships. Stop the phone relationships. Stop all interactions with men that don't involve in person contact and communication on a regular basis. Facing your fear and wearing it down is the only route to recovery.

 

Sometimes it's a little frightening for people like yourself who find themselves in their mid-30's ready to move out of this shell of a prison and on into a more fulfilling life without any idea of how to act or what to do. Social situations that most people have experienced hundreds of times by that age are quite foreign to them. Don't fret. It's easier than you think. You can get right into the swing of things in no time.

 

Read some books by Nathaniel Branden on self esteem. He has been writing on the topic for years and you can find his books in any good bookstore, online or in a library. Also read books on codependency and dysfunctional families. There are tons of those around. One of the best authors is by John Bradshaw. His book, "Bradshaw On: The Family" is a classic. He has tapes and videos out as well. He was the host of an award winning series on Public Broadcasting (PBS) in the last 80's and early 90's regarding codependency. You can find stuff on him by entering his name in your favorite search engine.

 

Since your father basically abandoned you emotionally, you probably have serious abandonment issues. When someone so important as a parent is not there for us as we need them in our childhood, we grow up fearing that any person we love will likewise become distant or leave us. We begin to mentally link love with abandonment and pain.

 

Reading books, listening to tapes, attending workshops and going to a good counsellor will go a long way to helping you resolve these issues and moving on with your life.

 

Many cities have support groups consisting of people just like you who come from similar backgrounds and who are working through the same issues. Once on your healing journey, you will find these groups...through churches, social agencies, universities, etc. There may be newsgroups online.

 

Expect setbacks from time to time. Also, have patience with yourself. The healing process takes lots of time. But at least you are better than half way there. You know what the problem is and you have a pretty good idea of the root cause.

[Rachel]

Hi. I completely understand your problem. However, I do believe that like Tony said, you have won half the battle by acknowledging what your problem is. The solution is a different matter.

 

You need to have a game plan. You need to find books, and other ways of dealing with this. THis forum here has helped me a LOT in the past few months, you have no idea how much. I feel like I get therapy for free.

 

I started coming to this forum in November, and subsequently have been able to come here for some good, and sometimes pretty darn Harsh advice. But I feel like it has helped me tremendously. I am now ready to face the world!!

 

Also, invest in some good counseling. Make an appointment TODAY. if you don't think your counseler is good, try another one. There are many good ones out there.

 

Basically, you know your problem,I think part of your solution will be dealing with "fear". I think you need to put yourself in situations where you will be "scared" and see that you survived it.

 

It's like people who have a feel of rejected. If they subject themselves to BEING rejected a few times, they will see that the world did NOT come tumbling down around them.

 

You need to be honest with your online friend. Tell him its a friendship and no more. That is NOT a relationship.

 

ANyway, good luck and come visit us on this forum.