ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 ...in how to be a man? Before you laugh, let me explain. I grew up without a father. No fatherly influence in my life whatsoever. I never learned how to be the kind of guy that keeps a women interested in them. I act too much like a chick sometimes. I need to learn how to get rid of that part of my life and act like a man. And what's most pathetic about this is I am 36 and I STILL don't farking know how to be dark, mysterious and keep women interested. I'm not bad looking. I am not skinny and weak (I work out 3x a week and bench over 245lbs and weigh almost 170 at 5'10'). I am good conversationalist. I'm a romantic. I like to tinker and work on bikes and cars. I like computers and slapstick comedy. I love the NFL. I am a former Marine. Emotionally when I meet a women I fall in love with, I become a big pile of MUSH. I forget how to be a man. I basically lose my nads. Men (and women), how do I correct this problem so the next time I meet someone I fall in love with, I won't turn them off?! Yeah I know, it's an ultra-pathetic question from an ultra-pathetic guy but I would hope that in-between the jokes and insults there would be some good, tangible information I can use to make a better man of myself. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 i would suggest an excellent book called "How to succeed with women" by Louis and Copeland. available at any large book store. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 read all the posts by joel. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?action=showresults&searchid=1207868&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending&norepliefalse Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 I don't think I lack self confidence, as it seems Joel does. I have a problem with understanding how to be myself when head over heels in love and not turning into a mushy wussy guy. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I have a problem with understanding how to be myself when head over heels in love and not turning into a mushy wussy guy. every man does the above to some extent, COC. What is of most importance is to what degree you do it. As a man you must be dominant and strong. Giving too much of yourself too often makes a man into a mouse and most women don't like that (even though they say verbally that they do). My advice in a nutshell is to always make yourself #1 and don't listen to most of what women say but instead observe what they actually do. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 oh, but it IS self confidence, or lack of that make you turn wussy. like your ex, you let her walk all over you still! because you have been "trained" like that by your mother. you do not have the confidence of a woman-less man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale every man does the above to some extent, COC. What is of most importance is to what degree you do it. As a man you must be dominant and strong. Giving too much of yourself too often makes a man into a mouse and most women don't like that (even though they say verbally that they do). My advice in a nutshell is to always make yourself #1 and don't listen to most of what women say but instead observe what they actually do. That's probably the best advice, I am sure. And yes, I know I need to start being a little selfish in my relationships. With her, I wanted to be with her all the time. I never said "no" if she wanted to do something. I always tried to put myself in a position where we could hang out. I probably just wore myself out on her. I know she said when I am gone for lenthy periods of time she really missed me. Now I get what I am doing wrong but how do I engrain this into my dome so I won't forget to quell my exitement? That's what I need to work on. How to be - cool. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita you do not have the confidence of a woman-less man. right LRB! COC needs to have that lackadaisical attitude....you know, like he can survive with or without her. i always tell women "if u wanna be with me, great, if not, that is great too!". Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita you do not have the confidence of a woman-less man. I'm not sure what you mean by this. Can you explain? And yes I know I let her walk all over me, even if she didn't do it maliciously or conciously. I wasn't hard to get or a challenge. How do I become one?! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC With her, I wanted to be with her all the time. Bad, the msg you send is "I cannot survive without you" I never said "no" if she wanted to do something. Even worse... what about your needs and wants? You made it all about her. Women cannot respect a man who has no needs or wants or desires. I always tried to put myself in a position where we could hang out. Familiarity breeds contempt. You must make space so she can miss you. Give of yourself but give intermittently, not all the time. I probably just wore myself out on her. Incorrect, COC. You caused her to wear out on you. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Are you religious at all? I've seen great role models through the church. I think that a man's ultimate goal in life is (and should be) to be a leader of a family. It's something that so many men want and need. Sure, some men are definitely 'single' material, but I've heard that all men have a yearning to do this, it's biological or something. Be strong. Stand your ground. Be a legacy. Be a man of your word. Hold your head up and face the world. Never consider yourself stupid, worthless, anything like that! You are a man. You make this world what it is today. Women cannot reproduce without your species. Without men, women are nothing. Without women, men are nothing. It sounds like you've psyched yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Accept yourself as a single and you'll be worth more as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Bad, the msg you send is "I cannot survive without you" Even worse... what about your needs and wants? You made it all about her. Women cannot respect a man who has no needs or wants or desires. Familiarity breeds contempt. You must make space so she can miss you. Give of yourself but give intermittently, not all the time. Incorrect, COC. You caused her to wear out on you. You're making 100% sense. I agree with everything you've said. Now, HOW DO I STOP DOING THIS?! How can I prevent myself from doing this again? What lessons can I teach myself to learn this?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Are you religious at all? I've seen great role models through the church. Yes I am, but I don't remember seeing examples of this at church. I think that a man's ultimate goal in life is (and should be) to be a leader of a family. It's something that so many men want and need. Sure, some men are definitely 'single' material, but I've heard that all men have a yearning to do this, it's biological or something. The ex will never disagree that I am good leader and would make a good leader of the family. I provide, take care, etc. But if you mean RUN the family, I thought most women did that. Men are the providers but women the machine that makes a family run. Please correct me if I am wrong. Be strong. Stand your ground. Be a legacy. Be a man of your word. Hold your head up and face the world. I think being strong and standing my ground I didn't do in fear of losing her. I've always been a man of my word! Never consider yourself stupid, worthless, anything like that! No problem there You are a man. You make this world what it is today. Women cannot reproduce without your species. Without men, women are nothing. Without women, men are nothing. It sounds like you've psyched yourself out. Probably so, problaby so. I agree with your other comment about acting single. It's engraining it into my mind permanently that I need help with. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC You're making 100% sense. I agree with everything you've said. Now, HOW DO I STOP DOING THIS?! How can I prevent myself from doing this again? What lessons can I teach myself to learn this?! practice, practice, practice. start with your mother, the bain of all your relationships. The reason why you have problems being a woman-less man....You never have been or really could be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita practice, practice, practice. What do you mean practice? Like with my next relationships? It'll be hard as getting over the EX is something I haven't done yet. I love her so much. start with your mother, the bain of all your relationships. The reason why you have problems being a woman-less man....You never have been or really could be. I definitely need to call my mom! Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 no, practice with your mother. once you can set bounderies and stand up emotionally to her.... i think in your relationships with women, it will be that much easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita no practice with your mother. once you can set bounderies and stand up emotionally to her.... i think in your relationships with women, it will be that much easier. Ok then, help me out here. The ex and I are amicable. She loves me and I love her but she's not IN LOVE with me right now. Her birthday is in a few weeks. She needs a digital camera and I told her a month ago I would get one for her birthday. a) Do I go see her for her birthday or take her out? b) Do I even buy the camera? c) We're not in no contact mode, because frankly it's not necessary. I don't want to seem like I am kissing her ass but here is where I am confused. I don't want to "diss" her birthday but at the same time I don't want to seem like the same old pushover I always was/am. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 You tell her happy birthday. that is it. no going out, no card, no gift....especially a really expensive gift. it is not your "fault" you two are not together for her b-day......she shoulda thought of that if she REALLY wanted the gift. i am kidding about her only staying for a camera....i would hope she was not that tacky! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita You tell her happy birthday. that is it. no going out, no card, no gift....especially a really expensive gift. it is not your "fault" you two are not together for her b-day......she shoulda thought of that if she REALLY wanted the gift. i am kidding about her only staying for a camera....i would hope she was not that tacky! No, she isn't shallow or materialistic. So just drop her an email and don't go see her? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC a) Do I go see her for her birthday or take her out? b) Do I even buy the camera? c) We're not in no contact mode, because frankly it's not necessary. so let me get this straight, COC. She left you and now you want to reward her by taking her out for dinner for her B-day and buying her a digital camera? Have you lost your mind? So if she cut off your legs then you'd get her a brand new car? She has learned that by treating you badly you will be nice to her and give her things. Will she die or will the world end if u don't acknowledge her B-day or give her an expensive gift? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC No, she isn't shallow or materialistic. So just drop her an email and don't go see her? that should be more than enough.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale so let me get this straight, COC. She left you and now you want to reward her by taking her out for dinner for her B-day and buying her a digital camera? Have you lost your mind? So if she cut off your legs then you'd get her a brand new car? She has learned that by treating you badly you will be nice to her and give her things. Will she die or will the world end if u don't acknowledge her B-day or give her an expensive gift? No, she won't die. She needs the camera and can't afford it. I agree, maybe she needs to see what life is like without me being at her beck and call.... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I agree, maybe she needs to see what life is like without me being at her beck and call.... how can she have the chance to miss you if you are there. you need to stop speaking with her all together though, if not forever, then for a few weeks. remember practice. when what you have been doing is not working....do the opposite. i have had the "opposite trail" work for me.........still going! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Author Share Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita that should be more than enough.... Ok, so in a few weeks I'll just drop her a note, but maybe the day AFTER her birthday. If I send it ON her birthday then she'll know I was thinking about it. I hate playing games, but maybe this is the time I need to. Link to post Share on other sites
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