Anyone want to give me lessons...

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

But I know when she goes to sleep and hugs the bear I bought her, she'll be thinking about me. Especially when I don't email or call on her BD.

 

Hey COC, maybe that "bear" is some other dude who is twice your size? Try to keep ALL possibilties in mind here.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Hey COC, maybe that "bear" is some other dude who is twice your size? Try to keep ALL possibilties in mind here.

 

Heh, it's a Vermont Teddy Bear I bought her

 

Westernxer, I need to play more Mechwarrior!

[Merin]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

 

i always tell women "if u wanna be with me, great, if not, that is great too!".

 

LOL This reminds me of a "Line" my sisters husband like to use before those 2 got married...

 

"Don't be so picky, I wasn't"

 

 

Yay for Tylenol Cold on top of Prescription drugs.. *Merins on a hot roll!*

[Lil Honey]

I think this post says a lot:

 

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

That's the problem. Myself isn't cool.....

 

I'm not cool.

 

I don't know how to be reserved.

 

I don't know how to meter my feelings so that I don't absolutely suffocate the one I love.

 

I suck, I know.

 

COC, you say that you are confident and can walk up to any woman and talk to her/ask her out, however I don't see that as being confident, necessarily. It could just be that you have the guts to do it. A person can be walking up to a woman to talk to her and all the while be thinking, She won't go out with ME.

 

I think you aren't confident because of all negative words you use to describe yourself.

 

Besides lacking confidence, I think a problem of yours is a desperate need to keep someone in your life, near you. It seems important that their view of you is more important than YOUR view of you. I'm not sure if you love someone for WHO they are or for just being someone in your life.

 

I realize that breaking up with someone is not easy and that no contact is extremely tough. You haven't really had a no contact arrangement, because you are trying to be friends. Unfortunately, being friends is a way to keep the other person in your life. It isn't letting go, healing and moving on.

 

If she broke up with you, chances are that she doesn't HAVE the teddy bear anymore. She wouldn't want reminders around. You are grabbing at straws. You are clinging onto hope that she misses you when it was she that broke up the relationship.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? Have you ever been really alone?

[westernxer]

I don't know if ConfusedinOC is afraid to be alone... my feeling is he's just trying to cope with the hole in his heart which has made him quite vulnerable for the time being.

 

That's just my opinion.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

COC, you say that you are confident and can walk up to any woman and talk to her/ask her out, however I don't see that as being confident, necessarily. It could just be that you have the guts to do it. A person can be walking up to a woman to talk to her and all the while be thinking, She won't go out with ME.

 

If I thought she wouldn't, I probably wouldn't ask her

 

I think you aren't confident because of all negative words you use to describe yourself.

 

Besides lacking confidence, I think a problem of yours is a desperate need to keep someone in your life, near you. It seems important that their view of you is more important than YOUR view of you. I'm not sure if you love someone for WHO they are or for just being someone in your life.

 

I appreciate the insight, but you're incorrect. I have no problem getting dates. I have no problem meeting women. I have a problem in that when I do fall in love hard, I REALLY fall in love and that person becomes the centerpiece to my life. That may or may not be healthy, but in this case, this woman truly defined to me what it meant to have someone complete you as a person. She was also my best friend. Yes, it was important to me that thought highly of me, and she does, but the problem in our relationship was based on me falling TOO hard, TOO fast and smothering her.

 

I don't know how to play it cool when I am in love and I do wear my emotions on my sleeve.

 

I realize that breaking up with someone is not easy and that no contact is extremely tough. You haven't really had a no contact arrangement, because you are trying to be friends. Unfortunately, being friends is a way to keep the other person in your life. It isn't letting go, healing and moving on.

 

I have made no attempts to contact her since a few days after the breakup. I did state that I wanted to be friends and she does too.

 

It sucks to be taken for granted, and she did that with me. That's why I'm OK with no contact. I am not planning anything for her birthday. I tossed the idea around of sending her a card, but what for?

 

If she broke up with you, chances are that she doesn't HAVE the teddy bear anymore.

 

Trust me, she would never throw it away. She stated a million times no one ever gave her one before. It's her first and she cherishes it. Maybe not the person who gave it to her, but she loves it. She's not cold hearted and she would never toss it.

 

She wouldn't want reminders around.

 

Well in that case, she'd have to throw her motorcycle away, her leathers and helmet, her computer, the teddy bear and many other things I either gave her or helped her get. Trust me, she has many reminders of me around her every day.

 

You are grabbing at straws. You are clinging onto hope that she misses you when it was she that broke up the relationship.

 

And you're doing a lot of "guessing."

 

The difference between you and I is I KNOW her and you do not. Trust me, she will miss me. I've been a big part of her life for the past year. Yes, she called it off but unless you know her, you wouldn't understand why. She is not mad at me. She doesn't hate me. She calls me a wonderful man who treated her very well. She broke up with me because I am far, far ahead of her in the relationship and she doesn't want to be pressed for marriage. She's not there yet and repeated that many times. It doesn't "feel" right to her and this is something that she needs time to figure out on her own.

 

She also plans to attend a 5 years College overseas and if she does that, there are no summer breaks and her love life will have to wait until college is over. That weighs heavily on her mind.

 

In the meantime, I am not waiting around for her. I've decided that I don't want to be on her rollercoaster anymore. So whether she misses me or not is really not the point.

 

Are you afraid to be alone?

 

No. If that is God's will, then so be it.

 

Have you ever been really alone?

 

Yes.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by westernxer

I don't know if ConfusedinOC is afraid to be alone... my feeling is he's just trying to cope with the hole in his heart which has made him quite vulnerable for the time being.

 

That's just my opinion.

 

You could not be more CORRECT

 

I've been alone for most of my life. I am not afraid of it. I just miss my best friend....there's a huge gap in my life where she used to be and if I ever do fall this hard for someone again, I want to make sure I don't smother them.

[Mz. Pixie]

This is just my .02- but I fully believe that women who really know who they are- and who are mature emotionally are not interested in men who play games and who treat them like crap.

 

That's not the way to get into a relationship. That stuff may work with women who don't know what they want- they just haven't been shyt on enough! Trust me, the one's who are worth anything want a man who has all of the qualities- can be strong, sensitive, romantic, etc.

 

I think it's extremely cute when my bf gushes over me! I love it how he doesn't like to go to sleep before he talks to me on the phone.

 

It's about finding the one who appreciates all of that and being ready to give it to them. If you close yourself off and become hard you will never get there.

 

As far as NC goes. You need to maintain it to get some perspective and to keep her from hurting you further. Deep down you think maintaining contact with her will give you some of her if you can't have all of her, but you will really just be torturing yourself.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

This is just my .02- but I fully believe that women who really know who they are- and who are mature emotionally are not interested in men who play games and who treat them like crap.

I totally disagree with the above MZ.PIXIE. Women who like men who play games and treat them badly come from all different backgrounds and levels of emotional maturity.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

This is just my .02- but I fully believe that women who really know who they are- and who are mature emotionally are not interested in men who play games and who treat them like crap.

 

I agree 100%

 

That's not the way to get into a relationship. That stuff may work with women who don't know what they want- they just haven't been shyt on enough!

 

Agreed. She doesn't know what she wants, all she can say to me is "it doesn't feel right." Well it might not now, but wait till you're with a few men who don't treat you like you are the most important person on earth and see how you feel then. I have a feeling she will miss my love and affection and companionship. Maybe not now, maybe not next month, but one day she'll regret her decision.

 

Trust me, the one's who are worth anything want a man who has all of the qualities- can be strong, sensitive, romantic, etc.

 

Which is how I was with her. Only, I was pushing too soon for marriage. I am not a weakling, but love does turn me to mush sometimes because when I fall, it's hard

 

I think it's extremely cute when my bf gushes over me! I love it how he doesn't like to go to sleep before he talks to me on the phone.

 

I wish she was like you. As she stopped giving, I gave more to compensate. Bad move on my part.

 

It's about finding the one who appreciates all of that and being ready to give it to them. If you close yourself off and become hard you will never get there.

 

Bingo. She doesn't know what she wants and as such, doesn't appreciate me. It sucks to be taken for granted....

 

As far as NC goes. You need to maintain it to get some perspective and to keep her from hurting you further. Deep down you think maintaining contact with her will give you some of her if you can't have all of her, but you will really just be torturing yourself.

 

Exactly. I don't want 1/2 of her. I want all or nothing. And she can't give me her all, and I don't think she has, she doesn't deserve me.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how to meter my feelings so that I don't absolutely suffocate the one I love.

 

As Owl has said in other various posts, it's not 50-50, it's 100-100.

 

You sound abit like me when it comes to compensating and making up that extra % of giving. You're a people pleaser and are used to putting others first (very unselfish of you) and are even more used to only giving to women, or in this case your EX.

 

The problem could also be you're not expecting much back...You give and give because it makes you feel good - At the same time without thinking of it, you're hurting yourself because you've opened up the heart TOO much. Does that make any sense? It's more of feeling one gets, rather than an actual thought.

 

My advice in a nutshell is to always make yourself #1 and don't listen to most of what women say but instead observe what they actually do.

 

I sort of agree with this. Go half. Sometimes put yourself first, sometimes put the woman first. Observing actions is a good idea, but listening is very important too. Woman like to just be heard, acknowledged. There is nothing worse than having a conversation with a man and having him not even "hear" what you're talking about. But that isn't a problem here for you. You seem to 'be' there attentively...Which, to me, is a good thing, not a bad thing at all.

 

i always tell women "if u wanna be with me, great, if not, that is great too!".

 

That is not a good thing to say...Makes a woman (My previous EX did this to me and it pissed me off!) feel unneeded and unappreciated, and like you couldn't give a crap either way. Just ain't cool.

 

My suggestion is whether you get back together with your EX, or end up with somebody new, take it slow. Keep a daily though journal and write out your feelings...That way you don't get the urge to "blurt it out" when you're with her. Find and keep your interests and hobbies going. Spending time with her is wonderful, but allow yourself to still spend your "ME" time alone. Things you like to do, puttering out in the garden or just doing things around the house. Don't depend on her for just your happiness.

 

Don't change yourself too much as you are who you are. She likes that in you and I'm sure the next one will as well.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

As Owl has said in other various posts, it's not 50-50, it's 100-100.

 

Semantics, my dear, lol. But yes, I understand what you mean.

 

You sound abit like me when it comes to compensating and making up that extra % of giving. You're a people pleaser and are used to putting others first (very unselfish of you) and are even more used to only giving to women, or in this case your EX.

 

I'm a giver. I give all the time. With men, I loan my garage, tools and time to help them fix bikes. I help bikers learn to ride safely and I do it in a very christian manner. I give my time to charitable causes. I believe in giving to the less fortunate in the spirit of Christ.

 

In my relationships, if I truly love her with all my heart, she receives all of me. Not just part of me, but everything I have and for some people, it could just be that it's too much.

 

The problem could also be you're not expecting much back...You give and give because it makes you feel good - At the same time without thinking of it, you're hurting yourself because you've opened up the heart TOO much. Does that make any sense? It's more of feeling one gets, rather than an actual thought.

 

True, I never asked much from her at all. I didn't ask her to change (though I did ask her to clean her room coz it was a pig stye!) or ask for improvement anywhere. I just accepted her unconditionally for who she was. I can't say she did the same for me.

 

I sort of agree with this. Go half. Sometimes put yourself first, sometimes put the woman first. Observing actions is a good idea, but listening is very important too. Woman like to just be heard, acknowledged. There is nothing worse than having a conversation with a man and having him not even "hear" what you're talking about. But that isn't a problem here for you. You seem to 'be' there attentively...Which, to me, is a good thing, not a bad thing at all.

 

I wish I had listened to her body language. It was telling me she was ready to dump me well before she actually TOLD me.

 

That is not a good thing to say...Makes a woman (My previous EX did this to me and it pissed me off!) feel unneeded and unappreciated, and like you couldn't give a crap either way. Just ain't cool.

 

Agreed.

 

My suggestion is whether you get back together with your EX, or end up with somebody new, take it slow. Keep a daily though journal and write out your feelings...That way you don't get the urge to "blurt it out" when you're with her. Find and keep your interests and hobbies going. Spending time with her is wonderful, but allow yourself to still spend your "ME" time alone. Things you like to do, puttering out in the garden or just doing things around the house. Don't depend on her for just your happiness.

 

Don't change yourself too much as you are who you are. She likes that in you and I'm sure the next one will as well.

 

Thanks. Due to the proximity (she lives 75 miles away), we spent enough time apart that I didn't feel that was the issue. Maybe the drive bothered her, who knows? I tried to talk to her on a daily basis (email, IM, etc). Maybe she was just tired of me and tired of the messages. I don't know. I just hate the answer "It just doesn't feel right..."

 

I will never know what the heck I did wrong, correct it and be able to move forward confidently without knowing where exactly I made mistakes.

 

And granted, I might not have done anything wrong (I did treat her like a queen and I loved every minute I spent doing it) I just need some peace of mind, you know? I can move on, I just feel like this is a learning opportunity and I walked away with more questions than answers.

[whichwayisup]

I will never know what the heck I did wrong, correct it and be able to move forward confidently without knowing where exactly I made mistakes.

 

And granted, I might not have done anything wrong (I did treat her like a queen and I loved every minute I spent doing it) I just need some peace of mind, you know? I can move on, I just feel like this is a learning opportunity and I walked away with more questions than answers.

 

And this is why you need to make your own closure. MAKE yourself believe that things just didn't work, for no real particular reason. Maybe you gave too much to her...SO what?? That's a good thing, better than not giving enough. It's so easy to fall into your head and let the thoughts go negative. YOU did nothing that wrong. She obviously wasn't the right woman for you. Be happy with who you are, there's nothing wrong with ya my dear!

 

You can't control what other people think or feel. Even if she told you - It had absolutely NOTHING to do with you, it was all me...Would you have truely believed that? Doesn't matter what she has told you or will tell you, you've decided in your own head the reasons why in a way. Know what I mean??

 

I've slowly been learning about myself and the non-expectation of anything back by doing nice things for people...I find after a while I DO feel abit put out, just because I wonder if it is appreciated and I'm being taken advantage of...But in the end of it, the good always outweighs the bad.

 

In my relationships, if I truly love her with all my heart, she receives all of me. Not just part of me, but everything I have and for some people, it could just be that it's too much.

 

And there's nothing wrong with that either, just make sure you have the right person across from ya.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

And this is why you need to make your own closure. MAKE yourself believe that things just didn't work, for no real particular reason. Maybe you gave too much to her...SO what?? That's a good thing, better than not giving enough. It's so easy to fall into your head and let the thoughts go negative. YOU did nothing that wrong. She obviously wasn't the right woman for you. Be happy with who you are, there's nothing wrong with ya my dear!

 

Thanks! For once, I am looking forward to going out with someone NEW!!

 

You can't control what other people think or feel. Even if she told you - It had absolutely NOTHING to do with you, it was all me...Would you have truely believed that? Doesn't matter what she has told you or will tell you, you've decided in your own head the reasons why in a way. Know what I mean??

 

I know that right now I am probably not what she wants/needs in her life. If it helps, her mom loves me and WANTS us to get married and thinks she'll come around once she realizes what a great guy she has lost (her words). BUT - I am not going to sit around waiting on her. I've more than proved my merit and for once, I want to be in a position to get out of a relationship what I put into it. How nice it is to be LOVED

 

I've slowly been learning about myself and the non-expectation of anything back by doing nice things for people...I find after a while I DO feel abit put out, just because I wonder if it is appreciated and I'm being taken advantage of...But in the end of it, the good always outweighs the bad.

 

I'll say this to my grave: "IT SUCKS TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED." And that's exactly what happened to me. She rarely thanked me for things I felt were very nice (movies, dinners, etc). Not that I expected them, but when she sits at home it's PBJ and cereal all the time. With me, I took her to nice places and she ate well (because when she's home alone, she won't eat well). Not that I was looking for her to say thanks but just know that my gestures were appreciated. I don't feel that over the last 4 months they were.

 

It's a sorry feeling to know you love so, so much and in return you are taken for granted. What a terrible feeling that is.

 

 

And there's nothing wrong with that either, just make sure you have the right person across from ya.

 

I never know, that's the problem. I must be a bad judge of character or something. I WANT the right person and wish they had stamps on their forehead that said "I'M HER!"

 

LOL. If only life was that easy.....

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I never know, that's the problem. I must be a bad judge of character or something.

it is actually more that you know little about how to deal with and control women. they will take advantage of you whenever they can, it is their nature. and if you cannot control them they have little or no respect for you.

 

either you control or she controls, there is little middle ground.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

And you're doing a lot of "guessing."

 

 

COC:

Of course you know her and I don't - neither does anyone else posting, so maybe you should toss their opinions aside as well . . . what is the point in posting for opinions, then? If you know her so well, then read my signature line, "Do what you want, cuz you're going to anyway."

 

I want to apologize for being "wrong" and trying to help.

 

Have a nice day.

 

Mz. Pixie:

Once again, you are right on the money.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

COC:

Of course you know her and I don't - neither does anyone else posting, so maybe you should toss their opinions aside as well . . . what is the point in posting for opinions, then? If you know her so well, then read my signature line, "Do what you want, cuz you're going to anyway."

 

I want to apologize for being "wrong" and trying to help.

 

Sorry if you feel insulted, that wasn't my intent, but your assumptions are pretty far off base. I don't know what else to tell you.

 

Cheers.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

it is actually more that you know little about how to deal with and control women. they will take advantage of you whenever they can, it is their nature. and if you cannot control them they have little or no respect for you.

 

either you control or she controls, there is little middle ground.

 

I definitely do not know how to "control" women but then again, do I want to?

[westernxer]

jab, jab, duck, jab, bob, dip, uppercut

 

It's all about leverage. Easier said than done, of course.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by westernxer

jab, jab, duck, jab, bob, dip, uppercut

 

It's all about leverage. Easier said than done, of course.

 

Well I guess I gave her all the leverage.

 

NC in some respect gives some of that back to you but in my case, I am not sure getting back with the Ex is the right thing to do. Unless she somehow comes across a major attitude adjustment or God has a heart to heart with her and says "He's it, go get him!" I don't see anything changing.

 

And even if we did, I would not approach the relationship the same way.

 

I'd make her earn my love and instead of just "giving" it to her.

I'd make her put in her 100% to my 100%

 

And I wouldn't start out giving 100% either.

 

Man, I've learned a lot already from this place. I just gave too much, too soon. Stopped becoming a challenge in the process. Fell in love too fast.

[whichwayisup]

I definitely do not know how to "control" women but then again, do I want to?

 

No, you don't...

 

SOME men who feel the 'need' to control and BE in control obviously have fears of committment and are absolutely terrified of settling down because they will feel P*ssy whipped.

 

Relationships, marriage - It is all about LIFE TOGETHER...Wanting to share, give and take, companionship and enjoying eachothers company. It's not about controlling what the other person does, playing stupid games of "putting somebody in their place". That's a cope-out and honestly if some want to live their lives that way, each to their own! But most don't want to play that game when you fall inlove and want to be with that person for the rest of life. It is tiring and pointless.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

No, you don't...

 

SOME men who feel the 'need' to control and BE in control obviously have fears of committment and are absolutely terrified of settling down because they will feel P*ssy whipped.

 

Relationships, marriage - It is all about LIFE TOGETHER...Wanting to share, give and take, companionship and enjoying eachothers company. It's not about controlling what the other person does, playing stupid games of "putting somebody in their place". That's a cope-out and honestly if some want to live their lives that way, each to their own! But most don't want to play that game when you fall inlove and want to be with that person for the rest of life. It is tiring and pointless.

 

See, that's what I had with the Ex.

 

A companionship that is going to be very, very hard to replace.

[whichwayisup]

A companionship that is going to be very, very hard to replace.

 

You will have it again someday. Don't worry 'bout that. When you're mentally ready and feeling more confident that is the time somebody will walk into your life...When you least expect it.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

You will have it again someday. Don't worry 'bout that. When you're mentally ready and feeling more confident that is the time somebody will walk into your life...When you least expect it.

 

Thanks. I hope so. I sucks to taste what a relationship could/should be like, only to have it slip through your fingers...and the more you scrape and claw to keep it, the harder it pulls from you.

 

Lesson learned. Don't try so hard!

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

If I thought she wouldn't, I probably wouldn't ask her

That is YOU, that isn't ALL people. Some WOULD do that. You made it clear that I don't know your GF and I don't know YOU, so I can only speculate . . . just like all the other posters.

 

I have no problem getting dates. I have no problem meeting women.

I never said that you had a problem GETTING dates . . .

 

I have a problem in that when I do fall in love hard, I REALLY fall in love and that person becomes the centerpiece to my life. That may or may not be healthy . . . but the problem in our relationship was based on me falling TOO hard, TOO fast and smothering her.

Yep, I read what you said the first time. As you said (twice here) you have a "problem" with it. Problems generally are created through some sort of NEED that we are or are not aware of.

 

I have made no attempts to contact her since a few days after the breakup. I did state that I wanted to be friends and she does too.

I would bet money on the fact that most folks would say that it is VERY difficult to just be friends and get over each other at the same time. Generally speaking, one person wants that arrangement so that if other things don't work out, they have someone to "fall back on." The other person likes the idea, because they are having difficulty letting go. I would think that it's going to be difficult being friends and not having contact . . .

 

It sucks to be taken for granted, and she did that with me. That's why I'm OK with no contact.

These two sentences tell me that you are still in the hurting stage and haven't gotten to the angry stage. But, of course, I don't know you or her . . . yet, when someone doesn't want to talk to another person, what choice does the other person have?

 

Trust me, she would never throw it away. She stated a million times no one ever gave her one before. It's her first and she cherishes it. Maybe not the person who gave it to her, but she loves it. She's not cold hearted and she would never toss it. she'd have to throw her motorcycle away, her leathers and helmet, her computer, the teddy bear and many other things I either gave her or helped her get.

A person doesn't HAVE to be "cold hearted" to put away or throw away or sell the things that remind them of the past. Getting rid of things (or putting them away) is one way people (for the most part) get over the other person. So, trust ME . . . she MIGHT.

 

Trust me, she has many reminders of me around her every day.

I don't doubt that she has things from you. How long they (the items) are still there remains to be seen. And if you listen to Alpha, she was in a relationship with you just to GET these things anyway.

 

And you're doing a lot of "guessing."

Am I the "lone guesser"? LOL

 

The difference between you and I is I KNOW her and you do not.

The other posters don't know her either, so there is no reason to get all defensive, ay?

 

Trust me, she will miss me.

I never said that she wouldn't.

 

I've been a big part of her life for the past year. Yes, she called it off but unless you know her, you wouldn't understand why. She is not mad at me. She doesn't hate me.

If you knew ME, you would understand that I see things from a woman's perspective AND I have been in HER shoes. I ended a 24 year old marriage. I am not mad at my ex. I don't hate him. But I wouldn't expect YOU to understand . . . since you don't even KNOW me or him. *rolling my eyes*

 

In the meantime, I am not waiting around for her.

She probably doesn't expect you to, since she may be living in another country soon anyway.

 

I've decided that I don't want to be on her rollercoaster anymore.

Being on a rollercoaster implies that she didn't know what she wanted. Sounds to me like she DOES know.

 

So whether she misses me or not is really not the point.

When you think of it, none of this has anything to do with being a man (which was your original question). A man can be a man and still love a woman with his whole heart and soul. And a woman can still be a woman and love a man with her whole heart and soul.

 

Pretending to be someone you aren't or feel something you don't (or hide something that you do feel) isn't being a man. It is being deceitful and not being true to yourself.

 

And BTW, if I were INSULTED, I would not have come back here . . . I am sad for you.