FWB with an ex

[eastern_mystique]

Hey,

 

I was wondering if anyone has/had an ex who broke up with them because they didn't want the relationship anymore, but who still likes them. If so, have you suggested FWB? What did they think? Has anyone had or having FWB with an ex - is it working?

 

Is just something that's on my mind. I'm still close friends with my ex but it's clear that things are never going to be platonic between us, ever - there's this weird energy whenever we're in the same room. According to a good friend of his, he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else at this time in his life - although he has hinted once that he could see us being together properly a few years down the line. I don't want to wait for him but at the same time if we can't be together properly now, then we might as well make the most of this 'friendship' and have some fun....it's gonna be a pretty long summer otherwise.....

 

Anyway, thoughts please!

[emdeesea]

How are you going to feel WHEN he meets someone he really does want to be involved with?

 

I know he SAYS he doesn't want that... but it always happens eventually. So how will that feel knowing he wants to stop sleeping with you and sleep with someone else?

[blind_otter]

This is an instance when you should have a guy in a tux following you around to sing "BAD IDEA" when you ponder things like this, in an operatic voice, loudly, in your ear, over and over again until you agree with him.

[HoldOn]

Sounds like a great idea. I am sure that no problems could stem from this.

 

/sarcasm.

 

 

There's NO way you can keep your emotions separate from sex, especially when you were formally in a relationship with this person. This will cause only pain.

[faux]

Go and do your friends with benefits thing, and tell me "down the line" how it feels to allow yourself to be manipulated in such a way.

 

Friends with benefits is still a relationship, and it carries all of the feelings and responsibilities of a relationship whether or not both people will admit it. If someone wants to be romantic with you, and be intimate with you, don't you think that person should be willing to commit to a monogamous relationship with you?

 

This situation sounds even more horrible involving an ex. If you do this you will probably get hurt.

[Merin]

Originally posted by faux

Go and do your friends with benefits thing, and tell me "down the line" how it feels to allow yourself to be manipulated in such a way.

 

Friends with benefits is still a relationship, and it carries all of the feelings and responsibilities of a relationship whether or not both people will admit it. If someone wants to be romantic with you, and be intimate with you, don't you think that person should be willing to commit to a monogamous relationship with you?

 

This situation sounds even more horrible involving an ex. If you do this you will probably get hurt.

 

All so true..

[eastern_mystique]

Thanks for all the responses - I particularly liked:

 

This is an instance when you should have a guy in a tux following you around to sing "BAD IDEA" when you ponder things like this, in an operatic voice, loudly, in your ear, over and over again until you agree with him.

 

Lol, that made me laugh .......

 

 

No, it's not a good idea. I was in a certain mood where I was thinking it could be, but FWB would just be messy and awkward and undefined, and would bother someone like me who needs to have rules and boundaries to feel safe.

 

Anyway, this is what this forum is for, right? So that people like you can tell people like me what's a good idea and what definitely isn't.

 

I do know that the whole 'being friends' thing, is too hard though. We just spent lunch together (I'm at college). I asked him a few days ago if he'd like to come over one day this week to watch a film, hang out etc, and just bringing it up himself (not with any prompting from me) he told me just now that he'll come over today. The actual reason I'm asking him over is because I need to tell him that being friends isn't working and that we either give things one more shot or that we're nothing. I won't be cold about it; but I'm not going to give into too much sentimentality. I'm nervous because I'm not expecting things to go my way (and if he says 'no' to giving things a 2nd shot, I think I will die inside), but at the same time I'm not going to wait around like his slave until he decides he wants to be with me. Of course the ironic thing is that when he does want to be with me, I'll either not care anymore or will be with someone else and it'll be too late.

 

Well, I guess I'll see how it goes....I hope I don't lose my nerve and end up not saying anything......seriously, my heart has just been pounding like a jack hammer since 5am....I think I need some valium.......wish me luck, people.....

[CurlyIam]

I'm very much tempted by the FWB idea with my ex. The thing is... I've never had meaningless sex before, LOL! It was always in a relationship, with the man I loved. So I'm kinda reluctant to it because:

 

1. my values - sounds kinda corny, but I haven't been true to them to just act totally against them, not that

I'm older and "wiser"

2. feelings. I'm afraid I might get involved emotionally.

 

But other than that... I am really tempted! Really really tempted!

[HoldOn]

I need to tell him that being friends isn't working and that we either give things one more shot or that we're nothing.

 

Yay!

 

That's right. If you are not going to BE with him, then hanging out with him will just hurt you. Be strong and good luck!

[emdeesea]

... if telling him that you can't be friends doesn't work IN your favor. It just might.

 

Once a guy sees how strong you are and that you won't accept less than what you really want, it makes a woman more attractive. And you know how guys want what they can't have...

 

It hurts for a while, but even if he doesn't come back, you'll know where you stand. Good luck.

[eastern_mystique]

It's past midnight in my part of the world, but I couldn't sleep without letting all you lovely LSers out there know what the current status on my situation is.

 

Well, the ex met me after college and came back to my place. I cooked, we watched a film, played a board game. The body language signs were good coming from him, as they always are, but I've learnt not to take those as being a serious indication of anything - nothing major just lots of eye contact, him hovering around me as I was cooking and even helping out with it, and when I stood next to the heater he came and stood next to me.

 

The difficult part was yet to come and I was anticipating it with dread. I had to excuse myself during the film to make an emergency phone call to my friend, asking her frantically "I really want to talk to him about us getting back together but I'm absolutely terrified!!! Should I do it or not???" She said I should - that if you never try you never know - and that to get rid of the nervousness, I should get some alcohol inside me. Good plan I thought. So I sneaked into the kitchen, but alas, running low on the intoxicating drinks there wasn't much of a selection. So I drank some creamy stuff called Amarula, some Ouzo and some whiskey. Obviously not enough because I felt the same afterwards, but I didn't want to make myself ill......

 

Funnily enough, I didn't bring up the subject in the end. We were in my room after the film and he was looking at me for a long moment and asked me what was wrong, that he could tell something is on my mind. He said that he'd heard some mutual friends of ours talking about us, and was it to do with that?

 

So I told him in as unemotional terms as I could, how I was feeling and what I wanted. Found some stuff out for myself too - that he too felt the chemistry between us and that ever since the break up, and even today, that he thought about doing "stuff" (kissing, hugging etc) with me. When I pointed out that it was obvious he was jealous about this other guy hitting on me, he didn't deny it and just smiled in an embarrassed and sheepish way. He also said that he doesn't feel the same about me as when we were going out, but I told him that I don't really feel exactly the same anymore about him too - but there is still something there, which he agreed with. In fact he agreed with a lot of the stuff I said and said "I see where you're coming from" and "I know what you mean". He didn't say that he didn't want a relationship and he didn't say that he thought things would never work with us 2nd time around, so altogether I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I didn't pressure him, or plead, or tell him how much I loved him or resort to threats or emotional blackmail. When he said that he'd need to sleep on it and that we'd definitely talk on Monday, I was fine with that too - it's only reasonable, this does require thinking. Hopefully by being accomodating but not a pushover, I gave him a good impression. He said he was very glad that I'd talked to him about this and he would do his best not to keep me in suspense. Of course, I don't know what he will decide, but he didn't seem averse to trying again.

 

So who knows which way this will go....all I know is that I am so, so glad I talked to him. This is a weight off my mind, I'll sleep a lot better tonight! I know I am lucky too - that I have such a decent, kind and understanding ex who I can be completely honest with - I know some of you on here have some real scumbag exes who ignore you, or are mean or treat you badly, so I'm counting my blessings right now.

 

Well, I'll give an update as soon as any significant developments occur - thanks for reading

[eastern_mystique]

So nothing significant has happened as of yet....but it will tonight - he's gonna call me to 'talk' about 'this'

(I don't know what the bunny represents, but if it's nervousness, agitation and/or excitedness then it's just right).

 

I called him Sunday night to wish him good luck with his driving test (which was yesterday morning). We talked for about 10 minutes or so, nothing related to relationship stuff. He sounded happy and cheerful. He said that he probably wouldn't be at college the next day but that we'd "definitely talk".

 

So on a technicality he was right.....we did talk yesterday....but not about what he'd decided. He called me at lunchtime to say he'd passed his driving test (I was the 2nd person he'd called, according to him). He hinted that if he came into college then it would only be to see me as he had no lessons, and he said if he was gonna be around then he'd call to let me know. I just said "sure, whatever you decide". He didn't come in as it happens, but I wasn't expecting him to anyway. When I got home, I went online and he was on. About 3 minutes later he starts a conversation with me and we talk for 10 minutes, before he says he has to go. I say I have to as well, then he says "I'll be on later" to which I say I probably won't be. Just before I sign off I say "by the way - if you feel like talking later on, call me". He started typing something, but I'd already signed out.

 

Now God knows why, but I was really frustrated that he hadn't brought the whole subject up and was feeling a little panicky and depressed thinking "how long is he going to keep me waiting for?". So a few hours later I text him - and I wish I hadn't now - saying "I know you've needed time to think about what I said on Friday - I get it. But can you at least talk to me about this? I don't know what to think..." Granted the message could have been more whiny and pathetic, but still......I didn't get a reply but I didn't expect one - it's not exactly a message that can be replied to by text alone.

 

Cut to today. He approaches me at the end of college and we walk to town. We talked mostly about car-related stuff and other things. He was happy and cheerful and as friendly with me as he always is. Then just before I get on my bus he said "I'll give you a call later on, and we can have a good talk".

 

So there's the story so far. Knowing him, he will call tonight (he couldn't call me last night because he went out with his family). And if it's not tonight, it'll be tomorrow. At least I know it's on his mind. And the fact that he's really thinking about it is a good sign, because if he didn't care at all and wasn't interested he would've just said "no" and wouldn't keep me waiting and continue to be so friendly with me.

 

Of course I won't know which way this is gonna go....but I don't have a bad feeling. Before he broke up with me I had a really bad feeling, even though he hadn't explicitly said he was going to and my intuition was right. I hope it's right this time. I'm telling you though - if he's gonna call me tonight just to tell me "no".....what a b*stard!! To keep me waiting all this time, when he could have told me two days ago, easily.....

 

Well, I'll know soon enough - either I'll be back on here on here crying my eyes out, or I'll be back breathing a huge sigh of relief....it'll be the latter, I hope (fingers crossed).