I am the OW, and I am

[TreadingLightly]

I haven't admitted this to many people, just a few close friends who love me without reservation. I have been in a year-long affair with a MM, and we talk about making it permanent. I sometimes think its actually a romantic relationship, he talks about the future and how it will work for us. Then on other days he says there is no way he could leave because:

"I really don't think of my marriage working as a viable option. Its a placeholder in my life. and its where I can be a dad to my kids, instead of the alternative, which i think is deplorable."

"Alternative of just choosing not to be here for them just because "i can't take it" or "she's not into me", or "our relationship sucks". Leaving them for those reasons is just chicken **** at some level to me. Or of throwing them to the wolves of whatever condition, or men, or people she choses...checking out more or less. Honestly what most men do to their kids"

I feel like he is making excuses for staying, but really is miserable in his marriage. I have no previous experience with a MM, so I am at a loss how to react to some of this.

We have been together a year, I knew from the start he was married. I was still casually dating around at that point, and he knew it. A few months after our affair started he volunteered that he was no longer sleeping with his W, but I found out recently it was a lie, and one he repeated multiple times unprompted. Based on that initial declaration, I stopped dating at all, and focused solely on him.

I'm not sure what my point is here. I guess I want to start making sense of all this. We read "When Good People Have Affairs" last fall, and it was helpful for a bit. I a now reading "Will He Really Leave Her for Me" and I'm about halfway through it. It is making me take a hard look at things, and I'm a little resistant to the conclusion it is leading me towards.

[TreadingLightly]

There is more. I am a widow of three years, and my H was verbally abusive. He was my third H, and the first two both cheated on me. I often feel like I am relationship defective. I went through lots of therapy after both of those, but apparently it didn't take.

[AngeliqueC]

((Hugs)). The truth is, you are probably better off getting back in the real dating world. If you know he's lying to you about one thing, chances are good he's lying about a hundred more things. Is that really what you want in the back of your mind every time you lok at him?

[ClickToRead]

There is more. I am a widow of three years, and my H was verbally abusive. He was my third H, and the first two both cheated on me. I often feel like I am relationship defective. I went through lots of therapy after both of those, but apparently it didn't take.

 

I am so sorry to hear this. As hard as it sounds you need to end this relationship and go no contact. You need to find your self-esteem and self-love.

[TreadingLightly]

I am just lost. I know I should be more embarrassed by my actions, especially since I was the wife in this scenario twice. But MM and I started as just sex partners and I was able to rationalize it at first, but fairly quickly we realized we actually liked each other as people. He has become one of my best friends, and is my day-to-day support system now.

Part of the problem is something I was very honest about right from the start, as a widow I am entitled to SS benefits based on my late husband's earnings, and that is a large number. If I marry before I am 60 (just under 10 more years) I lose that benefit. I am unwilling to walk away from that since the late H cashed in all of our retirement and left me nearly destitute when he died. MM keeps saying he "doesn't play house" and a LTR without marriage isn't something he can do.

 

 

It's getting worse the more I type, isn't it?

[fllygirl]

You don't need to get married at least for now. But you definitely should start dating again and less focus on MM. You should go out and meet new people and see how it goes.

[Sassy Girl]

I am just lost. I know I should be more embarrassed by my actions, especially since I was the wife in this scenario twice. But MM and I started as just sex partners and I was able to rationalize it at first, but fairly quickly we realized we actually liked each other as people. He has become one of my best friends, and is my day-to-day support system now.

Part of the problem is something I was very honest about right from the start, as a widow I am entitled to SS benefits based on my late husband's earnings, and that is a large number. If I marry before I am 60 (just under 10 more years) I lose that benefit. I am unwilling to walk away from that since the late H cashed in all of our retirement and left me nearly destitute when he died. MM keeps saying he "doesn't play house" and a LTR without marriage isn't something he can do.

 

 

It's getting worse the more I type, isn't it?

 

Yeah, it is.

 

Look, let's take the emotion stuff out for a minute.

 

Here's a guy, whose offered you no promises, no commitment, just a bunch of maybes and hypotheticals. He cheats on his wife, the mother of his children. I'm betting you aren't even his first affair right?

 

And he wants you to sacrifice your future security for him. He would actually ask you to do that, to try and retain some sense of 'honour' rather than 'playing house'. Does this sound like a man who has your best interests at heart? Who would take your back and look after you?

 

Are you a gambler? Because this is a huge gamble, the biggest - and the stakes are waaaaay too high for you at your age. He's not a safe bet. And you know what they say - when he takes up with his mistress it leaves a vacancy.

 

On top of that, being with him makes you feel bad about yourself. Healthy relationships aren't supposed to be that way!

 

Protect yourself. This man is not good for you.

[GoldieLox]

Usually when people are miserable enough in their marriages, they leave. He's making excuses. He already lied to you once about something substantial. What else is he lying about?

[HtotheN]

Part of the problem is something I was very honest about right from the start, as a widow I am entitled to SS benefits based on my late husband's earnings, and that is a large number. If I marry before I am 60 (just under 10 more years) I lose that benefit. I am unwilling to walk away from that since the late H cashed in all of our retirement and left me nearly destitute when he died. MM keeps saying he "doesn't play house" and a LTR without marriage isn't something he can do.

 

I can't help but wonder if he is just saying that because he knows what your position is. He is bluffing because he can.

 

I agree that you should walk away from him, work on your self-esteem, and date available men when you are ready. I understand where you are coming from regarding only "dating" him exclusively but that was a mistake that you should not make again. He has you right where (and how) he wants you but you as the single gal have so many other (and better) options, and deep down, he knows that. Walk away and don't look back.

[still_an_Angel]

Part of the problem is something I was very honest about right from the start, as a widow I am entitled to SS benefits based on my late husband's earnings, and that is a large number. If I marry before I am 60 (just under 10 more years) I lose that benefit. I am unwilling to walk away from that since the late H cashed in all of our retirement and left me nearly destitute when he died. MM keeps saying he "doesn't play house" and a LTR without marriage isn't something he can do.

 

He doesn't play house without marriage? But he can't marry you anyway. He expects you to lose your benefit for what? He's not leaving his M anytime soon.

 

 

As you said, this relationship started as sex partners, if he wants to make things permanent with you, then he has to make the decision to leave his M. He's not willing to do this. Why should you take the risk and lose your benefit, he's not willing to loose his M for you.

[cocorico]

I haven't admitted this to many people, just a few close friends who love me without reservation. I have been in a year-long affair with a MM, and we talk about making it permanent. I sometimes think its actually a romantic relationship, he talks about the future and how it will work for us. Then on other days he says there is no way he could leave because:

"I really don't think of my marriage working as a viable option. Its a placeholder in my life. and its where I can be a dad to my kids, instead of the alternative, which i think is deplorable."

"Alternative of just choosing not to be here for them just because "i can't take it" or "she's not into me", or "our relationship sucks". Leaving them for those reasons is just chicken **** at some level to me. Or of throwing them to the wolves of whatever condition, or men, or people she choses...checking out more or less. Honestly what most men do to their kids"

I feel like he is making excuses for staying, but really is miserable in his marriage. I have no previous experience with a MM, so I am at a loss how to react to some of this.

We have been together a year, I knew from the start he was married. I was still casually dating around at that point, and he knew it. A few months after our affair started he volunteered that he was no longer sleeping with his W, but I found out recently it was a lie, and one he repeated multiple times unprompted. Based on that initial declaration, I stopped dating at all, and focused solely on him.

I'm not sure what my point is here. I guess I want to start making sense of all this. We read "When Good People Have Affairs" last fall, and it was helpful for a bit. I a now reading "Will He Really Leave Her for Me" and I'm about halfway through it. It is making me take a hard look at things, and I'm a little resistant to the conclusion it is leading me towards.

 

I also read "when good people have affairs", and found it useful. Because my then-MM (now H) is essentially a good person. For a start, he never lied to me. This guy is lying to you (and, likely, to his BW). He is manipulating you around your widow's benefit, and he is blowing hot and cold in the R, leaving you insecure. That doesn't fit my picture of a "good person", but perhaps after two betrayals and an abuser, your standards have been reduced.

 

He's already indicated he sees no long term future in this - since it would involve something you are unwilling to do (lose your benefit) and he's shown no bona fixes by moving towards exclusivity with you (D, or at least separation) - other than repeatedly lying to *pretend* that he is.

 

So, there is no long term future beyond moreover of what you have now - a partially-fulfilling R peppered with lies and excuses. You need to decide if that's enough for you, or if you want more. And if you do, where you'll get it from, because it won't be him. Perhaps you should tell him that you'll take a lover on the side, to make things more symmetrical?

[Poppy47]

Being widowed makes you such a vulnerable person.

 

I fell into an A with a MM after my husband died. Have been in and out of it for 7 years.

 

Fortunately, I am not interested in having him in my life full time. However, it is a destructive relationship in a lot of ways.

 

Please consider your future. You certainly don't have one with him. He is amusing himself with you, nothing more. Full of hot air.

 

Poppy.

[goodyblue]

I won't tell you to stop sleeping with him, because what i did was no better.

 

But whatever you.do, do NOT let him try to talk you into losing any financial stability you have. If he truly loved you he would have your best interests at heart, and that includes taking care of yourself financially.

 

Good luck and hang in there. Please make sure to keep yourself secure.

[gettingstronger]

I am struck by the same old, same old of doing wrong (having an A) to protect the kids and family- so many people divorce and it works out so I am unsure why that is an accepted excuse-

 

Now on to you- if you are 50 and looking for a life partner, you should consider single men- even those that ended up marrying their former AP readily admit that its a long, slow process to do it correctly-he has not even made it to the " I am considering leaving" part-

 

Do you want to be settled in the next 5 years-if so, this is probably not the relationship for you-

[goodyblue]

I am struck by the same old, same old of doing wrong (having an A) to protect the kids and family- so many people divorce and it works out so I am unsure why that is an accepted excuse-

 

Now on to you- if you are 50 and looking for a life partner, you should consider single men- even those that ended up marrying their former AP readily admit that its a long, slow process to do it correctly-he has not even made it to the " I am considering leaving" part-

 

Do you want to be settled in the next 5 years-if so, this is probably not the relationship for you-

 

It took us 2 years before we lived in the same vicinity, and our actual affair was less than a year. Nine more months to share a home. It takes time and planning. And honeatly, to stick with a guy while he divorces, nerves of steele.

[TreadingLightly]

((Hugs)). The truth is, you are probably better off getting back in the real dating world. If you know he's lying to you about one thing, chances are good he's lying about a hundred more things. Is that really what you want in the back of your mind every time you look at him?

 

I am pretty sure that was his only lie, and he isn't lying about anything else. But I can't seem to let go of the pain I felt when he admitted the truth.

[TreadingLightly]

I am struck by the same old, same old of doing wrong (having an A) to protect the kids and family- so many people divorce and it works out so I am unsure why that is an accepted excuse-

 

Now on to you- if you are 50 and looking for a life partner, you should consider single men- even those that ended up marrying their former AP readily admit that its a long, slow process to do it correctly-he has not even made it to the " I am considering leaving" part-

 

Do you want to be settled in the next 5 years-if so, this is probably not the relationship for you-

 

I don't have a timeline for being settled, but I guess I have been assuming that we would be starting to settle into something more "normal" by now.

[GoBlue]

I am just lost. I know I should be more embarrassed by my actions, especially since I was the wife in this scenario twice. But MM and I started as just sex partners and I was able to rationalize it at first, but fairly quickly we realized we actually liked each other as people. He has become one of my best friends, and is my day-to-day support system now...It's getting worse the more I type, isn't it?

 

I am not sure what you are looking for either. I understand the circumstances - financial need, MM unhappy in his marriage, the desire for intimacy, etc., etc., etc. - but they are nothing more than excuses. Marriage is a sacred covenant and if he cares as much about his children as he says he does, then he would pour himself into giving them what they truly deserve - a mother and father who love and respect one another deeply. You do understand that even though he is your "day-to-day support system" that you are not that for him - right? Everything that has been erected in this relationship is not real once you get past the physical involvement. If you don't believe me tell him that you will not be having sex with him any longer and that you want to develop the "friendship" and see what happens.

 

Human beings are so - human. We experience deep pain as a result of the choices people close to us make, fight through that, and then turn around and do the same thing to hurt someone else. I am thankful that I have found peace through the grace of a loving Heavenly Father. I have hurt others, I do not deserve mercy, but mercy is given and the results have set me free to make better decisions. The choices we make reveal what the foundation of our life is. Change the foundation and better choices can be made. I am not judging you but I am saying that you have a decision to make - no one else can make it for you. Would you really want to be in another permanent relationship with a third man who believes that infidelity is a great option?

[Cali408]

I feel bad for you, honestly I do. It's so easy to see it from an objective/logical point of view when it's not you in the fire.

 

1. He's already lied to you about not sleeping with his wife. Sure he has a character flaw for cheating on his wife, but now he lies to you.

2. You've left two marriages because of abuse.

 

I think your choices in men is the problem.

 

And now let me play devil's advocate. I'm him, here's the way I look at it. I can have my cake, eat it. Still getting it from the wife, still have the home base and income. Why would I ever upset the applecart

 

There is no way he's going to throw it all away for you. On top of the fact you've been married 3 times! Everyone has their reasons, but from a male standpoint, that's borderline nuclear.

 

Get in the dating pool and work on finding men with character and integrity. Practice by meeting good people and dating. You do not need a long term relationship until, you can differentiate good men from bad

[TreadingLightly]

I feel bad for you, honestly I do. It's so easy to see it from an objective/logical point of view when it's not you in the fire.

 

1. He's already lied to you about not sleeping with his wife. Sure he has a character flaw for cheating on his wife, but now he lies to you.

2. You've left two marriages because of abuse.

 

I think your choices in men is the problem.

 

And now let me play devil's advocate. I'm him, here's the way I look at it. I can have my cake, eat it. Still getting it from the wife, still have the home base and income. Why would I ever upset the applecart

 

There is no way he's going to throw it all away for you. On top of the fact you've been married 3 times! Everyone has their reasons, but from a male standpoint, that's borderline nuclear.

 

Get in the dating pool and work on finding men with character and integrity. Practice by meeting good people and dating. You do not need a long term relationship until, you can differentiate good men from bad

 

Just to clarify, I had no idea when the first two marriages ended that they had cheated on me, I divorced the first one because we were poorly matched, and the second divorced me because I couldn't have children (yeah, it hurt to hear that). Neither man was abusive in any way, neither divorce was acrimonious. The one who died was the abuser, and if he had lived, I would have left.

 

And the bold is something I have said about myself several times, my picker is bad.

MM is actually a good guy, and his W told him to go find a new source for sex via text several times, I have seen the texts. Their marriage is very bizarre right now. I think that is why I don't feel any guilt about most of this.

[GirlStillStrong]

I am just lost. I know I should be more embarrassed by my actions, especially since I was the wife in this scenario twice. But MM and I started as just sex partners and I was able to rationalize it at first, but fairly quickly we realized we actually liked each other as people. He has become one of my best friends, and is my day-to-day support system now.

Part of the problem is something I was very honest about right from the start, as a widow I am entitled to SS benefits based on my late husband's earnings, and that is a large number. If I marry before I am 60 (just under 10 more years) I lose that benefit. I am unwilling to walk away from that since the late H cashed in all of our retirement and left me nearly destitute when he died. MM keeps saying he "doesn't play house" and a LTR without marriage isn't something he can do.

 

 

It's getting worse the more I type, isn't it?

Were you lost before you got involved with him?

 

Are you lost now because of what he is doing or not doing, or are you lost because you don't know what you want?

 

You don't sound lost to me. You didn't want to marry due to your widow's benefit. You wanted sex and companionship but now you have real feelings for him and think you want more, but what, you're not even sure. You picked a guy who is someone else's problem; there had to be a reason for that. Maybe you're lost because you think you want something you can't have. Who changed the rules here, him or you?

[TreadingLightly]

Would you really want to be in another permanent relationship with a third man who believes that infidelity is a great option?

 

I have been thinking this from day one.

[TreadingLightly]

Were you lost before you got involved with him?

 

Are you lost now because of what he is doing or not doing, or are you lost because you don't know what you want?

 

You don't sound lost to me. You didn't want to marry due to your widow's benefit. You wanted sex and companionship but now you have real feelings for him and think you want more, but what, you're not even sure. You picked a guy who is someone else's problem; there had to be a reason for that. Maybe you're lost because you think you want something you can't have. Who changed the rules here, him or you?

 

I think I was just coming out of the fog of recovery from the death of my H, so I was a bit lost still.

I am lost now because I know the right answer and can't get to the point where I can do the right thing. I don't know who changed the rules, as I look back it seems we both just kept pushing the edge of the envelope further and further away.

[beach]

If he hasn't gotten a divorce - as in finalized - then all he's doing is future faking with you... Which means he's all words and no action to change anything about his marital status.

 

He's using you - only because you allow it.

 

 

So stop allowing it.

 

 

Date men who are available! They can treat you to a life that's real and honest and open in all areas. This guy can't offer you much except empty promises.

[darkmoon]

tell him to come back single, if his wife gets wind of you, she might well fight to keep hm

 

steer clear til he is single, until then date others, discreetly or otherwise, do not be sad, have some dinner dates, enjoy being single

Edited May 7, 2015 by darkmoon