Phoenician Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 When a spouse suffers from sex deprivation over the years from partner ;would you consider it as abuse ? what scale it can be given 1-10 ? I give it 7
GemmaUK Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 More info needed. This is impossible to answer. Other things as well add up to abuse, not just one solitary element. If you are confused read 'Why Does He Do That' by a guy called Lundy Bancroft. 1
Author Phoenician Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 well I wish the book was why "does she does that " because my wife is depriving me from sex just if I disagree with her on anything ; like "no darling we cant put a treadmill in bedroom ; it will squeeze us .. and puff sex disappear for dys , weeks , ....
GemmaUK Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Er..are you serious?!! Lol! Get a gym membership and it won't annoy the neighbours and nor will it cramp the space you have. I feel there is a whole lot more going on here though...but the above would help your situation.
Author Phoenician Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Well , she doesnt want to go to gym , she is very very lazy , spends more than 5 hours aday on tv episodes or candy crush . I lost hope in changing her 1
autumnnight Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I dunno...read around on the threads started by sex-starved spouses (especially sex-starved husbands). Apparently WANTING sex from your spouse is irrational and abusive..... 1
GemmaUK Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Well , she doesnt want to go to gym , she is very very lazy , spends more than 5 hours aday on tv episodes or candy crush . I lost hope in changing her Why are you still attracted to her then? Why would you have wanted to change her?
Phoe Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Well, I've also struggled with getting sex, which only amplifies the frustration of having a very high sex drive. While I think it's just plain crappy to be deprived, and an overall indicator of incompatibility, I have never and would never consider it abuse.
gaius Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Touch deprivation maybe is abuse. I dunno about sex itself. In your case however, her linking sex to you doing whatever she wants, you'd be justified in cheating.
regine_phalange Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 No, I don't think it's abuse. It can be manipulation though! But it can also be loss of interest and lack of love.
central Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 In some cases it is abuse. If it is deliberate, it is abuse. If the spouse is low drive and simply uninterested in sex, then it is a serious mismatch, and the relationship should be terminated. If not, then it is still a breaking of vows and marital expectations. While two wrongs don't make a right, if a solution is not found after trying, it is morally no worse for the deprived partner to cheat, IMO. Now, who has the responsibility to terminate? Mostly, I'd say it's the deprived spouse, but if the depriving spouse knows that they are the cause of their partner's misery, and they actually love them despite not having sex with them, it should be them that leaves (or opens the relationship) to free their partner to find happiness elsewhere. 2
preraph Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 No, because they can just pack their bags and leave. Abuse would be if someone forced sex just because they are married, which is called marital rape. If things are that bad, no one will blame you for moving on. I get it. You want some love. 1
Author Phoenician Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 In some cases it is abuse. If it is deliberate, it is abuse. If the spouse is low drive and simply uninterested in sex, then it is a serious mismatch, and the relationship should be terminated. If not, then it is still a breaking of vows and marital expectations. While two wrongs don't make a right, if a solution is not found after trying, it is morally no worse for the deprived partner to cheat, IMO. Now, who has the responsibility to terminate? Mostly, I'd say it's the deprived spouse, but if the depriving spouse knows that they are the cause of their partner's misery, and they actually love them despite not having sex with them, it should be them that leaves (or opens the relationship) to free their partner to find happiness elsewhere. Simply uninterrested in sex could be true when a person is really LD ;she enjoys sex only when she needs it only when she wants it , and only the way she likes it ... she is selfish ... The abuse is mental , she never gives any form of sexual acceptance even when she is not interrested ... had she given me even a HJ or BJ once per week , I would be flying ; and I never had a BJ in my life by the way . Any sexual thinking I express , is out of norm for her ... won't leave , kids needs me now . i need time to offload, years maybe...
Author Phoenician Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 No, because they can just pack their bags and leave. Abuse would be if someone forced sex just because they are married, which is called marital rape. If things are that bad, no one will blame you for moving on. I get it. You want some love. Can't leave my kids now ... I have to wait .
regine_phalange Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 Simply uninterrested in sex could be true when a person is really LD ;she enjoys sex only when she needs it only when she wants it , and only the way she likes it ... she is selfish ... The abuse is mental , she never gives any form of sexual acceptance even when she is not interrested ... had she given me even a HJ or BJ once per week , I would be flying ; and I never had a BJ in my life by the way . Any sexual thinking I express , is out of norm for her ... won't leave , kids needs me now . i need time to offload, years maybe... I don't know if it's a good idea but I will say it. What if you talk with your wife and ask her to continue being married for the sake of the kids but make the marriage open? Tell her since she isn't interested in you sexually anymore you don't want to force her into anything. But you have emotional and physical needs and that you need a mistress that can give you both. What do you think? 1
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 I don't know if it's a good idea but I will say it. What if you talk with your wife and ask her to continue being married for the sake of the kids but make the marriage open? Tell her since she isn't interested in you sexually anymore you don't want to force her into anything. But you have emotional and physical needs and that you need a mistress that can give you both. What do you think? Don't cheat, as that is sneaky and underhand , but opening up the marriage for both of you is definitely a consideration. She may be more keen on that than you may think. You say on another thread, you once got no sex for 2 weeks, I do not want to minimise your situation, but how often are you expecting sex?
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 You may need to tread carefully here, because if she feels the emotional connection with you is lacking and that is the basic reason she doesn't want to have sex with you. Then for you to suggest you want to have sex with other women (open marriage), may be the straw that breaks the camels back and you may be facing divorce whether you want to or not. 1
Author Phoenician Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 Don't cheat, as that is sneaky and underhand , but opening up the marriage for both of you is definitely a consideration. She may be more keen on that than you may think. You say on another thread, you once got no sex for 2 weeks, I do not want to minimise your situation, but how often are you expecting sex? I wont cheat ,what could happen is worse because one day i might tell her in thr dace i am going to sleep with another women ,u lije it or not. Im not sure if it was a diff thread but i mentionef 12 weeks .. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/527721-longest-w-o-sex-2.html Anyway once per week is enough for me , which not only I dont get but also evenwhen i wait for another week ,it is always vanilla , whenever she wants whatever she wants , very selfish I expressed open marriage issue , the first impredsion she Is victimizing herself bysaying go for it imnot interrested
Author Phoenician Posted May 16, 2015 Author Posted May 16, 2015 The main issur now is that i am feeling abused Because when i have that urge once every week or two especially that i take t shots for my bones , she is denying me .,.. Only when i am a nice boy for a long period i get smthing. Imnot sure if im right inconsidering it abusr but abuse doesnot go byitself Itself itneeds revolution
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 Anyway once per week is enough for me , which not only I dont get but also evenwhen i wait for another week ,it is always vanilla , whenever she wants whatever she wants , very selfish OK was she always a vanilla kind of a person? How well do you actually get on with your wife, apart from the sex? How deep is that emotional connection?
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 its manipulation ...and manipulation can lead to abusive situations.....deb 1
regine_phalange Posted May 16, 2015 Posted May 16, 2015 The main issur now is that i am feeling abused Because when i have that urge once every week or two especially that i take t shots for my bones , she is denying me .,.. Only when i am a nice boy for a long period i get smthing. Imnot sure if im right inconsidering it abusr but abuse doesnot go byitself Itself itneeds revolution Oh, I see. You're right. In that context, it seems like it's part of a passive-aggressive form of abuse. I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck. I'm a woman and I'm not married but I had a boyfriend like your wife. We were in a long distance relationship so you can imagine how disappointing it was when we went on sexless "romantic" vacation to Italy. He was punishing me because I didn't move in to the country he lived in yet. It felt terrible and I felt that he thought I'm stupid. Plus I was very irritable because I was sexually deprived! How old are your kids? 2
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 When a spouse suffers from sex deprivation over the years from partner ;would you consider it as abuse ? what scale it can be given 1-10 ? I give it 7 Yes. 10 One for each year that I went without sex from "the woman who loved me". No woman who loves a man would do that to him; at least not a man who has a healthy sex drive. 5
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) I dunno...read around on the threads started by sex-starved spouses (especially sex-starved husbands). Apparently WANTING sex from your spouse is irrational and abusive..... Exactly! After deprivation of sex comes the condemnation for wanting sex - abusive control freak stuff, pure and simple. It is abuse just as surely as hitting a guy in the head with a baseball bat. If condemnation doesn't work, next comes the shaming. Then comes the victim role... I could write a play book for the abusers. Edited May 17, 2015 by Robert Z 1
autumnnight Posted May 17, 2015 Posted May 17, 2015 Exactly! After deprivation of sex comes the condemnation for wanting sex - abusive control freak stuff, pure and simple. It is abuse just as surely as hitting a guy in the head with a baseball bat. If condemnation doesn't work, next comes the shaming. Then comes the victim role... I could write a play book for the abusers. Yep, and for the many other deprivers out there whose advice is always "what are you doing wrong to make them not want sex" because the stories step on THEIR toes..... I've gotten to where, when I read about someone who is sex starved, when a response begins with "what have you done..." or "Have you tried..." I just skip it. It raises my blood pressure too much. 2
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