how do you know if your therapist is right for you

[nikki76]

I have been with my therapist since about November. She is my second one. The first one stopped returning my calls.

 

I dont know if I'm getting the best therapy from this one. While we just recently had a huge break through and finally found the reason I had my A's.....shes not helping me to fight through my addiction of the EA and to help give me the strength to finally put it to rest.

 

Everytime I bring up the A, she basically just says "its sick and you need to end it." Ok, I know this, but I need help in my mind to know, that I'll be ok when I do end it. She always changes thr subject. I dont know if this is just something that therapists do and I'm the one that is supposed to work it out. I dont know.

 

I know her ex husband and her dad were serial cheaters and maybe she holds a grudge.

 

Besides the affair stuff, she has been a great help in other aspects of my life and I hate to leave her, not knowing what the next therapist would be like.

 

For all of you that seek therapy, does her "technique" of pretty much changing the subject, seem normal? Obviously, I dont expect her to call AP and end it for me. I know what I have done is wrong. I now realize it wasnt H behavior that caused me to have the A (that was all made up in my head to justify the A) it was all me and my craving for attention and acceptance that I never got as a child. However, I'm not even getting that in this sad, pointless so called A. I know everything I need to do, but I need that push from someone, and I feel like it should be my therapist.

 

Im sure some will say its because I dont want to end it....but I do. Now more then ever. I honestly feel like its the withdrawal that I'm terrified of. Not the loss of the AP. And of course, dealing with him and his manipulative behavior once I go NC is another thing that I'm not looking forward to.

 

And no, I still havent confessed and i have no plan to. Say what you want about that, its my choice.

 

Note: the A is still just communication via messanger. Absolutely no intention of becoming physical again. Its basically just sexting.

Edited May 7, 2015 by nikki76

[m4p]

Actually I've been wondering that too..

 

I like my therapist enough, she's cheerful and (seemingly) non judgemental. I got pretty good analysis from her (about my childhood, relationship with family etc which translated into some of my actions and mindset when dealing with stuffs), but when we talk about the A, she seems to also not go in depth or offer some support on how can I deal with it. I don't really expect a magic solution, but some coping advices would be good as I was seriously struggling with my daily life. I tried drawing her into what I felt I need to talk about but somehow it always ends up with more analysis into my character.

 

As for your therapist, her brushing pass the subject seems like it really wouldn't help you in the long term (and think of all the $$ spent!!). After all, the A is somewhat the cause of your current emotions/distress? I think it will definitely help if you can find another therapist who could address some of your surface feelings and anxiety directly related to the A as well as how to give you a firm and strong mindset for ending the A.

 

I don't really expect a miracle worker but someone who can support me in doing what I need to do.. I guess that's what you are looking for too? After 6 sessions I'm now looking for another therapist.

[RoseVille]

If you know about her own biases (the cheaters in her life), she's not the right one. She's not able to set them aside to help you, she's using your therapy session to help herself.

 

I knew mine was the right fit because I feel emotionally safe with her. They say you "just know" when it's right in love. I haven't felt that way with a man, but I have felt that way with my therapist.

 

Mine does a lot of "inner child" work with me. I feel this way or that way because of my inner child, and repairing it by helping/talking to my inner child. Sounds hokie, but it helps. Talk to yourself the way you would a young girl; explain to her why this behavior/thoughts aren't right; be kind, guiding.

[nikki76]

Actually I've been wondering that too..

 

I like my therapist enough, she's cheerful and (seemingly) non judgemental. I got pretty good analysis from her (about my childhood, relationship with family etc which translated into some of my actions and mindset when dealing with stuffs), but when we talk about the A, she seems to also not go in depth or offer some support on how can I deal with it. I don't really expect a magic solution, but some coping advices would be good as I was seriously struggling with my daily life. I tried drawing her into what I felt I need to talk about but somehow it always ends up with more analysis into my character.

 

As for your therapist, her brushing pass the subject seems like it really wouldn't help you in the long term (and think of all the $$ spent!!). After all, the A is somewhat the cause of your current emotions/distress? I think it will definitely help if you can find another therapist who could address some of your surface feelings and anxiety directly related to the A as well as how to give you a firm and strong mindset for ending the A.

 

I don't really expect a miracle worker but someone who can support me in doing what I need to do.. I guess that's what you are looking for too? After 6 sessions I'm now looking for another therapist.

 

Coping advice, thats exactly what I'm looking for. She told me a few sessions ago, that if I still continued to be in contact with him, she would stop seeing me. So, of course, I lied and said I cut it off. Not good at all!!

 

Thank you for your input!

[nikki76]

If you know about her own biases (the cheaters in her life), she's not the right one. She's not able to set them aside to help you, she's using your therapy session to help herself.

 

I knew mine was the right fit because I feel emotionally safe with her. They say you "just know" when it's right in love. I haven't felt that way with a man, but I have felt that way with my therapist.

 

Mine does a lot of "inner child" work with me. I feel this way or that way because of my inner child, and repairing it by helping/talking to my inner child. Sounds hokie, but it helps. Talk to yourself the way you would a young girl; explain to her why this behavior/thoughts aren't right; be kind, guiding.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Mine does focus a lot on my childhood too. For months though, I literally couldn't remember ANYTHING from my past. Just a few sessions ago, some things came up and helped me realize the reason for my low self esteem and things.

 

She tends to foucs more on my family. My girls all have behavior issues, within my home, because of my lack of parenting the past year during my A. So this is her main focus. Which is good, my family is number one, but I also feel like I need help with the A issues too. They aren't just going to go away.

[nikki76]

I wonder if a male therapist would be better, more honest and brutal with me.

[RoseVille]

I wonder if a male therapist would be better, more honest and brutal with me.

 

If you have daddy issues, I would advise against it.

[RoseVille]

Thanks for your response.

 

Mine does focus a lot on my childhood too. For months though, I literally couldn't remember ANYTHING from my past. Just a few sessions ago, some things came up and helped me realize the reason for my low self esteem and things.

 

She doesn't really focus on my childhood, she just knows about my family dynamic, and understands how that shapes a child (and thus an adult) and their ability to relate/cope/connect and how they deal with relationships/conflict/etc.

 

I never knew my dad, for example. But I knew he wasn't around, from a very young age. Cue the issues with relationships for the rest of my life...

[nikki76]

If you have daddy issues, I would advise against it.

 

Not really just daddy issues. Neither of my parents showed me and my siblings affection growing up. Its a viscous cycle, their parents were the same way and ive become the same way with my kids. Hoping to change this cycle.

[Hope Shimmers]

You know what, I think I'll become a therapist. Starting tomorrow.

 

Point being that I think that even I could do a better job than some of these descriptions.

 

Probably not a popular view, but I put little stock in therapy (likely in part due to my training in the basic sciences). It all seems like so much touchy-feely hocus pocus nonsense.

 

I don't believe that everything bad connects back to childhood. What an easy solution for them though. Affairs? Bad childhood. Problem solved!

 

I had a wonderful father, no daddy issues here, and I have had some terrible relationships. Reason? I made bad choices. There - how much money did I just save myself?

 

Seriously, she changes the subject? You have got to be kidding me. How can that possibly help you?

[RoseVille]

Therapy has helped me tremendously over the years.

 

Your choices come from the foundation of who you are and what you're vulnerable to, which absolutely comes from your past.

[Hope Shimmers]

Therapy has helped me tremendously over the years.

 

Your choices come from the foundation of who you are and what you're vulnerable to, which absolutely comes from your past.

 

Of course your choices come from your past. Exactly why I don't need to pay someone to tell me that.

 

To each his own

[RoseVille]

Of course your choices come from your past. Exactly why I don't need to pay someone to tell me that.

 

To each his own

 

Good for you for having it ALLLLLLLL figured out!

 

I guess you just look for free therapy from peers in similar shoes instead (LS). Lay people just can't dig as deep.

[Hope Shimmers]

Ten characters

Edited May 7, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[MuddyFootprints]

If you are feeling you have to lie to your therapist, she isn't the right one for you.

[velvette]

You shouldn't feel you have to lie to your therapist.

 

 

You should be able to tell the therapist if you don't feel what they are doing is working for you.

 

 

Ditto if you would rather talk about something else in a given session than what they want you to talk about.

 

 

Its not all that different than saying to a medical doctor, "Doc, that prescription you gave me is not helping and giving me horrible side effects. I need a different med."

 

 

You should be able to tell the therapist what your immediate need is ....i.e. coping strategies to end the R.

 

 

Having said all that, I will also say, that when you have a big breakthrough about the reasons for behavior that is not working for you, it usually becomes much easier to change that behavior. So, its possible you need more work on that breakthrough stuff....just something to consider.

 

 

Before you change therapist, you should tell the therapist what you've told us and give her a chance to deal with your concerns. Even if it doesn't work, you will probably feel better about handling it like a mature adult than just walking out.

 

 

Its frustrating to change, because you feel like you have wasted time/money, but you really haven't because whatever you learned will go with you. If you change, make it easy for the next one to be more effective, by having a quick summary of your story. Also, be very explicit about what you want help with.

[m4p]

Ouch! Simmer down girls...

 

I think what Hope simple meant to say is that not all behavioral problems boils down to childhood issues and has to be over analyzed to death. I do believe that to a certain extent. My own childhood was happy enough but I still ended up with severe anxiety issues and problems. That was probably a combination of me being the eldest child as well as me being me. Nature vs nurture? But you also can't deny the holistic effect of basically just having someone to listen to you and be able to give a clearer picture and insights to your actions and thoughts. If it helps, then why not?

 

Everything plays a part moderately so I would like to say that both of you are correct, so no hard feelings

[Eighty_nine]

i was/am a child and fam therapist. your therapist shouldn't be telling you to end your affair or to stay in it. she should talk to you about being in it, being out of it, your feelings about both sides. It's called motivational interviewing; a therapeutic technique where the client decides what's right for them. i'd consider it to be best practice in almost all situations

[Tullyseptember]

Hi Nikki, when I was stuck in limbo between ending my marriage and ending my affair I sought out counselling through my Community Services where I live. I had an exceptional counsellor and we discussed my many issues. I could talk about anything in an safe environment with her I always knew that ending my bad choices were on me. It took time for the fog to clear and even more time for me to improve on my behaviours, counselling during this time was a rock that helped ground me. You may need to try another person that you feel comfortable with where you can talk more freely about your affair and not lie to keep your counsellor satisfied. She's only become another person you cannot be truthful with:(

[RoseVille]

Ouch! Simmer down girls...

 

I think what Hope simple meant to say is that not all behavioral problems boils down to childhood issues and has to be over analyzed to death. I do believe that to a certain extent. My own childhood was happy enough but I still ended up with severe anxiety issues and problems. That was probably a combination of me being the eldest child as well as me being me. Nature vs nurture? But you also can't deny the holistic effect of basically just having someone to listen to you and be able to give a clearer picture and insights to your actions and thoughts. If it helps, then why not?

 

Everything plays a part moderately so I would like to say that both of you are correct, so no hard feelings

 

You can have an outwardly great childhood and still wind up with issues that stem from your childhood. Childhood development has a HUGE impact on us as adults. HUGE.

 

My therapist doesn't "over-analyze to death." She just knows the source/root of the problems. I never said every issue comes back to childhood, but frankly, most do. What we do as adults in making our decisions (in relationships) is basically try to repair hurts from our childhood, even unrecognized hurts. Therapy has helped me identify those hurts and heal them so I can make better decisions. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I know when I'm f**king up, and I might know on a base level why ("I want to feel important to this man"), but until/unless I get to the root of that "why" and help heal that "why," I'll continue making similar unhealthy decisions.

 

Plus as you said, it's a safe place for me to really get bare and vulnerable.

[Eighty_nine]

 

Probably not a popular view, but I put little stock in therapy (likely in part due to my training in the basic sciences). It all seems like so much touchy-feely hocus pocus nonsense.

 

I don't believe that everything bad connects back to childhood. What an easy solution for them though. Affairs? Bad childhood. Problem solved!

 

You know, it's very disconcerting to hear a physician talk like this! I have no idea what you do, but I hope you're not passing this along to your patients! We live in a pharmaceutical dependent culture (assuming you're American) and doctors projecting this attitude toward their patients only escalates the problem. I'm a licensed therapist and what I do certainly isn't nonsense, and psychoanalytical approaches (like what you describe) are old-fashioned and do not reflect current best practice in the mental health field. I mentioned motivational interviewing earlier-- client directed work to help them come to conclusions about their thoughts, feelings, and goals on their own... concepts that may seem obvious, but are easily muddled up in the struggles of every day life. Therapy is NOT the only way, therapy should be SHORT term, in fact. Interests and passions and meaningful, honest connections with other people go a lot further to improve the quality of ones' life... it doesn't mean therapy can't help.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread. But this post REALLY bothered me.

Edited May 8, 2015 by lissvarna

[Popsicle]

She doesn't sound good to me, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she doesn't realize just how strongly you need help in this area. You can tell her outright and tell her that THIS is what you need help with before anything else. Trust me, they don't like losing clients.

[beach]

Not really just daddy issues. Neither of my parents showed me and my siblings affection growing up. Its a viscous cycle, their parents were the same way and ive become the same way with my kids. Hoping to change this cycle.

 

This contrary action will be what helps YOU change things.

 

She sounds like she is encouraging you to change things and realize things and that's good!

 

But you'll never make progress if you're not honest with her - or any counselor.

 

Ask for tips to take ACTION for your goal.

[Popsicle]

Not really just daddy issues. Neither of my parents showed me and my siblings affection growing up. Its a viscous cycle, their parents were the same way and ive become the same way with my kids. Hoping to change this cycle.

 

Are you drawn to the A because you hope to get more affection from that avenue? Is you husband very affectionate?

 

Also, I have not tried it but I've heard good things about CBT, in terms of helping you control your thoughts.

Edited May 8, 2015 by Popsicle

[nikki76]

Are you drawn to the A because you hope to get more affection from that avenue? Is you husband very affectionate?

 

Also, I have not tried it but I've heard good things about CBT, in terms of helping you control your thoughts.

 

Yes, im definitely drawn to the affair, because I feel when he gave me attention (of course, this was just through texting, ugh)...I felt more attractive. But yet, every single time ive asked him to meet up, he would make up some excuse. Its been like that for almost a year. So that, makes me feel worse about myself then anything ever has. So I dont get what I'm so drawn too.

 

My husband isnt affectionate in his words or by touch, more in what he provides for me. He shows me he loves me by working hard, helping out with the kids and pretty much giving me anything I want. But, for me, I want and need the touch and words and weve talked about this in therapy and he is definitely making a good effort. But I still crave the attention.

I hate it!