how do you know if your therapist is right for you

[Popsicle]

Yes, im definitely drawn to the affair, because I feel when he gave me attention (of course, this was just through texting, ugh)...I felt more attractive. But yet, every single time ive asked him to meet up, he would make up some excuse. Its been like that for almost a year. So that, makes me feel worse about myself then anything ever has. So I dont get what I'm so drawn too.

 

My husband isnt affectionate in his words or by touch, more in what he provides for me. He shows me he loves me by working hard, helping out with the kids and pretty much giving me anything I want. But, for me, I want and need the touch and words and weve talked about this in therapy and he is definitely making a good effort. But I still crave the attention.

I hate it!

 

Interesting. So your therapist agrees that your H should give you more affection?

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, im definitely drawn to the affair, because I feel when he gave me attention (of course, this was just through texting, ugh)...I felt more attractive. But yet, every single time ive asked him to meet up, he would make up some excuse. Its been like that for almost a year. So that, makes me feel worse about myself then anything ever has. So I dont get what I'm so drawn too.

 

My husband isnt affectionate in his words or by touch, more in what he provides for me. He shows me he loves me by working hard, helping out with the kids and pretty much giving me anything I want. But, for me, I want and need the touch and words and weve talked about this in therapy and he is definitely making a good effort. But I still crave the attention.

I hate it!

 

Nikki, it's hard to know what to say to you because on one hand, you seem to be self-aware yet you can seem to do anything about it.

 

You see the actions versus the words. Actions are what matter!!!

 

I think with this MM you are just stuck in an endless catch 22 of trying to prove that you can win him over, and when he rejects you, you interpret that as personal failure of some sort.

[nikki76]

Last night, I finally had my push to put me over the edge and rip that band-aid off.

 

I blocked him from Facebook. I set up a filter so when/if he emails me, he gets an automated message that he's been blocked. And I'm contacting the cell phone company today to see if I can block without being notified on the phone bill.

 

I know ive said this before, but I have finally had enough of his crap.

 

I have a beautiful summer planned with my family, and i dont want him to bring me down. Last summer was miserable, probably my worst ever, all the waiting around for him and putting up with his crumbs.

 

This is not going to be easy.but now I know, if I cave, I'll be in this spot again, only more heartbroken.

[RoseVille]

Yes, im definitely drawn to the affair, because I feel when he gave me attention (of course, this was just through texting, ugh)...I felt more attractive. But yet, every single time ive asked him to meet up, he would make up some excuse. Its been like that for almost a year. So that, makes me feel worse about myself then anything ever has. So I dont get what I'm so drawn too.

 

My husband isnt affectionate in his words or by touch, more in what he provides for me. He shows me he loves me by working hard, helping out with the kids and pretty much giving me anything I want. But, for me, I want and need the touch and words and weve talked about this in therapy and he is definitely making a good effort. But I still crave the attention.

I hate it!

 

As adults, we seek the familiar (someone who doesn't give us attention, in this case, your husband) because that's what we know. Here, one of your hurts is a lack of affection. When we get a taste of something that might repair that (a man giving attention), we get excited and are drawn to it. But then he takes back that affection, or doesn't quite give enough, leaving us wanting more, deep down, reminding us of the position we were in as children, longing for more affection. We cling on, hoping we'll get another taste. And as with a MM, we inevitably do get another taste, and the cycle repeats itself.

 

BTDT.

 

Therapy helped me find ways to heal the hurt by making better choices.

 

Funny though, it was only after a hiatus from therapy that I found myself in my current A. I high-tailed it right back to my therapist, and am reminded of so many things. It's making me stronger.

[Hope Shimmers]

You know, it's very disconcerting to hear a physician talk like this! I have no idea what you do, but I hope you're not passing this along to your patients! We live in a pharmaceutical dependent culture (assuming you're American) and doctors projecting this attitude toward their patients only escalates the problem. I'm a licensed therapist and what I do certainly isn't nonsense, and psychoanalytical approaches (like what you describe) are old-fashioned and do not reflect current best practice in the mental health field. I mentioned motivational interviewing earlier-- client directed work to help them come to conclusions about their thoughts, feelings, and goals on their own... concepts that may seem obvious, but are easily muddled up in the struggles of every day life. Therapy is NOT the only way, therapy should be SHORT term, in fact. Interests and passions and meaningful, honest connections with other people go a lot further to improve the quality of ones' life... it doesn't mean therapy can't help.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread. But this post REALLY bothered me.

 

Of course I don't say that to patients! This is an anonymous internet forum, not a professional environment. What I say here can come from "me" as opposed to what I would say in my work.

 

I have referred hundreds of patients to psychiatrists, psychologists, or other types of counselors (very specific ones) over the years. Mostly these people have depression, anxiety issues, OCD, etc or they are coping with a difficult diagnosis.

 

Perhaps my reaction to Nikki's OP was a little strong, but I literally rolled my eyes when I read that her therapist changes the subject. It seems like (at least in some cases) these people aren't held to any sort of standard of care. How is Nikki supposed to know what to expect? She isn't. She has to trust that this person is doing right by her and not just taking her money. Just like a patient with diabetes would trust that I would not prescribe venlafaxine or something to treat it. However in that latter case, if I did that, then legally my a** would be grass. That's the difference I see.

 

From a PERSONAL point of view, I've had no positive experiences with counseling. Tried marriage counseling which did nothing. Husband with anger management issues was repeatedly sent to anger management therapy ("mindfulness therapy"). Taught by some new-age hippie tree hugger wearing a grass skirt and bare feet. Did absolutely nothing.

 

That is not to say that it doesn't help other people in many situations. I'm just frustrated by the inconsistencies.

[nikki76]

Nikki, it's hard to know what to say to you because on one hand, you seem to be self-aware yet you can seem to do anything about it.

 

You see the actions versus the words. Actions are what matter!!!

 

I think with this MM you are just stuck in an endless catch 22 of trying to prove that you can win him over, and when he rejects you, you interpret that as personal failure of some sort.

 

You are spot on. I am totally aware, but I feel stuck. I dont know if it's because im not confessing. And as long as H doesnt know, mm will always be in my life.

 

And yes, sadly, I feel almost like ive lost. Lost to his wife. I know I'm much prettier then her, much younger and way more physically fit. I feel like he should be kissing my ass, because in real life, he will never get anyone like me. And because he keeps turning me down, I feel like a complete failure and that I am not worth anything. I know there is more to life then the physical stuff. And my thinking is totally twisted.

[darkmoon]

ask for a refund, the therapist is no use, charging you is daylight robbery

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yes, im definitely drawn to the affair, because I feel when he gave me attention (of course, this was just through texting, ugh)...I felt more attractive. But yet, every single time ive asked him to meet up, he would make up some excuse. Its been like that for almost a year. So that, makes me feel worse about myself then anything ever has. So I dont get what I'm so drawn too.

 

My husband isnt affectionate in his words or by touch, more in what he provides for me. He shows me he loves me by working hard, helping out with the kids and pretty much giving me anything I want. But, for me, I want and need the touch and words and weve talked about this in therapy and he is definitely making a good effort. But I still crave the attention.

I hate it!

 

I know this feeling OP. I was married for 20 years to a man that loved me but not in the ways I needed. I highly recommend you read the book "The Five Love Languages" http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. It was brought to my attention when my (now ex) husband and I were going through couple's counselling. It really is a revolutionary book. Knowing what kind of love you NEED as well as that of your partner is a game changer in my humble opinion.

 

As for the therapist question, I'm a HUGE advocate for therapy. In fact I think most people should be in some kind of therapy Unfortunately, finding the perfect fit is a lot like anything else, trial and error.

 

I think I went through about 4 before I finally met my current therapist who I've been seeing off and on for the past 14 years. She is AMAZING and has helped me change my life in monumental ways. Of course nothing works unless YOU do so...

 

And good for you for going NC!! Congratulations!!

[OldRover]

Seems like it's very difficult to find a good therapist. Over the years I've tried (with and without my mate) 20 or 30 and only two were any good at all. The best guidance came from my current one that gives me the insight on how to live with my issue or without. And he counsels me to make my own choice and then provides guidance on how to make that work.

 

Previous counselors have only tried to tell me what's right and wrong in THEIR mind and not how to deal with the issues. Many have promised results that never turned out even close.

 

And, issues are NOT from childhood. I'm a good example, growing up in a superb situation, and still had issues 20 or 30 years later.

[nikki76]

I know this feeling OP. I was married for 20 years to a man that loved me but not in the ways I needed. I highly recommend you read the book "The Five Love Languages" Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. It was brought to my attention when my (now ex) husband and I were going through couple's counselling. It really is a revolutionary book. Knowing what kind of love you NEED as well as that of your partner is a game changer in my humble opinion.

 

As for the therapist question, I'm a HUGE advocate for therapy. In fact I think most people should be in some kind of therapy Unfortunately, finding the perfect fit is a lot like anything else, trial and error.

 

I think I went through about 4 before I finally met my current therapist who I've been seeing off and on for the past 14 years. She is AMAZING and has helped me change my life in monumental ways. Of course nothing works unless YOU do so...

 

And good for you for going NC!! Congratulations!!

 

I have that book on my kitchen counter. Weve skimmed through it. We need to seriously read it though. Thank you

 

I think I will definitely need to find another therapist. Only thing though, my daughters also see a therapist in her office and I know they exchange information sometimes. But kids therapist is going on maternity leave soon. Might be a good time to make some changes!

[RoseVille]

And, issues are NOT from childhood. I'm a good example, growing up in a superb situation, and still had issues 20 or 30 years later.

 

That's not true, some are. Correction: MANY are.

[OldRover]

I have that book on my kitchen counter. Weve skimmed through it. We need to seriously read it though. Thank you

 

I think I will definitely need to find another therapist. Only thing though, my daughters also see a therapist in her office and I know they exchange information sometimes. But kids therapist is going on maternity leave soon. Might be a good time to make some changes!

 

Re: "Five Love Languages"

 

Yes, you want to seriously read it.... with your SO.

 

Agree with you and highly recommend this book. I've read it and currently reading it to my SO. We have taken the test:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

So we have a reasonable understanding of what our languages are and it's working just fine. If I had this book 5 years earlier, it could have totally changed my life.

[Wondering33]

I wonder if a male therapist would be better, more honest and brutal with me.

 

Be careful my first MC\IC came on to me. Called me at home to ask me out & told my husband to divorce me, when he went to his session. My husband wanted to kill him!

[Tullyseptember]

Nikki when you compare yourself to his wife about her looks and physical appearance with his wife not coming out favourably how does it make you feel? It must not feel very good to feel you should win on looks and that intellectually you don not make the cut. I hope I have not offended it is just when I'm struggling I have tended to think negatively of the person who I struggle with and I've taken some hard deserved knocks for my ignorance. Self awareness for me has been hard work. It's worth it though and I really hope you remove the deflection of this mans wife and concentrate on yourself and your deep rooted goodness and use it positively. Better yet cutting this man out of your life for good and removing the fear is going to be so freeing:)