Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.

[FolderWife]

I recently read a thread where a guy had cheated on his girlfried with three different women, then wanted advice on how to tell her.

 

We bashed the heck out of him, because we thought it was a really crummy thing he did.

 

Not a week later, I read a thread where a woman cheated on her husband, and was worried that he was going to cheat to get back at her.

 

Everyone including myself was sympathetic to her.

 

Why?

 

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.

 

Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....

 

Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.

 

So now, to all those people who are always asking, "How come whenever a man cheats, he's scum, but whenever a woman cheats, everyone says, 'aw, I'm sorry'" this is your reason. Majority of the women who cheat do so because they have lost all connection with their husband, and their husband is not interested in making it right, and the woman feels totally unattractive...when along comes someone she can have an affair with. Majority of the men who cheat have some hot woman that tears their attention away from their average wife at home.

[laRubiaBonita]

welll DUH Monday~ women are better than men! plus we have vaginas!

[jmargel]

It's a stereotype that has been given to us men. Majority of the men out there in a happy relationship will not cheat on their wives no matter how 'hot' this other woman is. I get the feeling on this board that alot of women on here are insecure in who they are. That at any moment some hussy can come prowling along and have their way with their man. That is not true. Us men do have brains and I would believe most would use the one with the bigger head.

 

Women in nature are most sympathetic, that's why they receive more on here. It was the way we were brought up. Women are more emotional so when they are caught cheating the tears and the crying have a way to show how sorry they "might" be. When a man shows his emotions he is thought of as weak. No one wants a weak man, so over the life of a man he is accustomed to not showing this. So when he does make a mistake and cheat he doesn't know how to properly say or do the right things to truly show how he feels.

[Cecelius]

We bash men somewhat more because it is more culpable -- men do not have the excuse of being "swept away" or taken advantage of. A dude has to be into it to cheat.

 

Also, we bash men because men are supposed to be more in control of their feelings. Whining about being neglected sounds worse from a man than a woman.

 

On the other hand, I disagree with the stratifying women's reasons for cheating versus mens. The man whose wife has let herself go or who doesn't get the naughty nookie like he used to may feel that he is being as neglected as the woman lamenting her loss of connection with the husband.

 

Both sexes may include high maintenence people with easily damaged egos. Men can be 'hos too.

[whichwayisup]

Because (some) women are more emotional than (some) men.

 

Take it to heart more, beat up on themselves more, feel the guilt more...

 

Plus we as women tend not to kick eachother when we're down.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Monday

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.

 

Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....

 

Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.

 

Those are the stereotypical justifications and excuses given but the core reasons can be any number of things.

 

The real difference is that women get away with not taking accountability for their actions moreso than men do. Women are allowed to be unstable, men are expected to be in control.

 

Women also seem to have a hard time grasping the concept that men have needs too.

[Illusion24]

Women also seem to have a hard time grasping the concept that men have needs too.

 

I agree...Men are human too and make mistakes. I feel once your needs aren't being met, you tend to be curious about how someone else would treat you and 'feel'...If you're not happy it's better just to leave than cheat, that's just me!

[reservoirdog1]

I don't think the gender-based "reasons" for cheating differ much between the sexes. Fundamentally, I think it comes down to the cheating spouse feeling something (lust, closeness, excitement, love, whatever) with the other person that they no longer feel with their spouse. Which of those factors it is varies with the individual. For a lot of men it's lust, that much is true.

 

None of which changes the fundamental nature of the cheating, whether it's done by a man or a woman. Generally speaking, it's a selfish act that temporarily relieves the cheater, at least in their own mind, of the need to address the problem in a constructive way. I mean, let's face it... which is more fun? Talking to your spouse about what's missing from your marriage/relationship and trying to fix it, or riding some random girl / guy who's new and different?

 

Personally, I think cheating should be treated the same regardless of the perpetrator's gender. There are lots of explanations for the behaviour, but very few excuses, short of a case of physical or emotional abuse.

 

I've seen a number of female cheaters "get the heck bashed out of them" on this board. Overall, I think the balance has been pretty good.

[CurlyIam]

I don't think it has to do with gender, but with how one writes. And chances are that women are better at writing what they feel than men, that's all!

 

They're.. somewhat more blunt.. and honest. Most women take honesty quite badly, when it comes from a cheating man!

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Monday

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.

 

[sNIP]

 

Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.

 

First, the CYA disclaimer: I am not attempting to justify unacceptable behavior.

 

It is a well-established fact that men have different sexual needs than do women. While "Not getting any" may seem insensitive to you, I feel safe in assuming that he does not consider himself insensitive. He has a need that he feels is not being met in the relationship, & this board is replete with threads about how unmet needs push people into needing space, trial separations, break-ups, etc.

 

There are, of course, deeper issues, the most critical one likely being a breakdown of communication & dialogue. Re-establishing this is one of the most important remedial, as well as preventive measures.

_________________________________________

What if people stopped throwing rice at weddings, and threw potatoes instead?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cecelius

The man whose wife has let herself go or who doesn't get the naughty nookie like he used to may feel that he is being as neglected as the woman lamenting her loss of connection with the husband.

 

Hmmm.... Wouldn't it be neat if there was some method by which a man might communicate those thoughts and feelings to his wife? You know, BEFORE he starts screwing some other, skinnier b*tch.

 

Too often, all she hears is a rash of angry crap that he doesn't even really mean, with the truth hidden in there like a needle in a haystack. She's required to wade through an entire barrage of verbal diarrhea in order to get a half-a$$ed clue as to what he's REALLY upset about.

 

And while I do agree with the idea that the man is truly suffering emotionally....how's his wife supposed to know it when the only emotion he shows is anger. He's not saying how he feels, he's just throwing out angry comments. At that point, he just looks like an a$$, and if she took even one word out of his mouth as the gospel truth, she'd have to take them all. THEN... well, then it just wouldn't be pretty.

 

(You guys ought to have an instuction manual tattooed to your backsides. It would cut down on soooo much confusion. )

 

So, I think that there is a valid point in that women often do a better job of verbalizing their needs and emotions, then men do prior to the affair.

 

*WARNING* Here's another sweeping generalization coming at ya : Men seem to try to justify the behavior more than women do when it comes to posting here. I don't know why, but it comes off like they're making excuses. Again, it could be that often, they aren't verbalizing the emotional aspect AFTER the affair either.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

(You guys ought to have an instuction manual tattooed to your backsides. It would cut down on soooo much confusion. )

 

Would you be interested in someone with a backside that large?!

[onlyhuman]

Lot of good old fashioned stereotyping going on from people I woudn't have expected it from.

 

 

 

 

A cheater is a cheater, no sex need be identified.

I think its been dead even on feedback to both sexes of cheaters, bash them both if needed.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Scott S

Would you be interested in someone with a backside that large?!

 

OMG! It might be worth it! :lmao:

[SexKitten]

i haven't done it here yet, but i am an equal oppotunity basher.

 

[Ladyjane14]

<========Not man-bashing. Just trying to get my "universal translator" tuned.

[MySugaree]

I mean, let's face it... which is more fun? Talking to your spouse about what's missing from your marriage/relationship and trying to fix it, or riding some random girl / guy who's new and different?

 

 

Great point, reservoirdog1. Often, hot affair sex with a "new" woman is infinitely preferable to the agony of "working" on a marriage with an "old" wife.

 

An affair, depending on how well it's done, can be a vacation from one's marriage and the drudgery of everyday life. The hot sex, sizzling fantasies and outlaw nature of an affair make an ordinary marriage appear, well, ordinary. Many marriages don't stand a chance. In a good affair, the Pleasure Principle triumphs over the Reality Principle--at least temporarily.

 

Men may get bashed more because people assume men cheat for carnal reasons. Women, on the other hand, are perceived as yearning for that emotional connection, which is missing at home. Sexual hunger is bad; emotional hunger is good.

 

These gender stereotypes might contain some limited truth.

 

I find that the degree of bashing depends, not so much on gender, but on the degree of public contrition. Those apologetic cheaters who adopt a public mea culpa are spared the rod. On the other hand, defiant, unapologetic cheaters who proclaim the sheer pleasures of their affairs are pilloried.

 

Contrition matters. I suspect that guys are less contrite or less able to articulate contrition.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Monday

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.

Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....

 

I don't understand why it's insensitive if a man cheats on his wife because she is not sexually interested in him.

A woman whose husband doesn't sleep with her would be called "neglected" or "ignored" (emotionally, of course). She doesn't feel attractive, loved, etc.

But a man in the same situation is an insensitive dog whose dick jumps for a local hottie?

Now why is that so?

[MySugaree]

I suspect there are pyramided assumptions at work: First, emotional needs are more legitimate (nicer, even) than base sexual needs. Second, women hunger for emotional connection while men just want to get laid. Third, people assume that the normal, average married woman would never cheat just for sex and risk her marriage. For a married woman to cheat, she must be emotionally neglected, or worse abused, by her mate. As for men, it's only a question of opportunity.

 

In fact, from the male perspective, fidelity is merely the lack of opportunity to cheat.

 

With these gender assumptions, men, who are driven by their cocks, are marked as willfully unfaithful. Women, creatures of feeling and connection, are forced through emotional neglect to stray.

 

Gender stereotyping, baby!

[moimeme]

Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.

 

I certainly don't.

 

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason

 

Completely untrue. It's the same reason as women do. Men need attention and appreciation too. I have seen a bunch of documentaries about sex trade workers; they almost always say that most of the men who go to see them want to talk. They want acceptance.

 

However, it seems that most women (and many men) think that all men are inhuman beasts with no feelings. And I hate that. I hate the contempt I so often hear from women on the porn and other threads towards the people they claim to love.

 

we bash men because men are supposed to be more in control of their feelings

 

Hah. We all resort to our lower brains when feelings are involved.

 

Generally speaking, it's a selfish act that temporarily relieves the cheater, at least in their own mind, of the need to address the problem in a constructive way

 

Totally agree. It's the coward's way out.

 

And while I do agree with the idea that the man is truly suffering emotionally....how's his wife supposed to know it when the only emotion he shows is anger. He's not saying how he feels, he's just throwing out angry comments

 

This not men being 'in control of their emotions'. This is men pretending to have no emotions because they're not allowed to. If you accept him, you accept all of him, including that he may not always be Mr. Strong As Steel. And who needs that anyway? Bottom line is if someone feels what he has to say will be rejected, or cause him to be rejected, he won't say it. So acceptance is an important part of love.

 

while men just want to get laid

 

Not all of them. Some are actually human.

In fact, from the male perspective, fidelity is merely the lack of opportunity to cheat.

 

Speaking for all men again, huh? Problem is that plenty of men post here and a whole bunch call that pov hooey. Which it is.

[Cecelius]

On the wife-weight issue, the reason the man doesn't say anything (if he is smart) is that it is the third rail of marriage: for most women, telling them you find them less attractive than you once did will get you nothing but anger and reproach.

 

And my comment on how men are supposed to be more in control of themselves actually was intended to show how male cheating is MORE culpable: people cut the emotionally abandoned woman more slack than the dude because stereotypically a woman is permitted to be more emotionally needy. A dude should always try to be in control; he may fail occasionally and suffer emotionally but any real man WANTS to be in control of himself. Its part of being a man.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cecelius

On the wife-weight issue, the reason the man doesn't say anything (if he is smart) is that it is the third rail of marriage: for most women, telling them you find them less attractive than you once did will get you nothing but anger and reproach.

 

Yeah, but what does a man stand to lose if he's willing to go outside the marriage anyhow? It's not going to p*ss her off any more to go ahead and speak up, than it will for her to catch him in a sexually-motivated affair.

 

The key to success might be in how tactfully he tells her, and how much supporting evidence he's willing to present.

 

I can't imagine that it would be easy for a man to tell his wife that she's too fat. But it can't be easy to tell her he's leaving her either.

 

I think the reason that men get bashed more than women is not so much that they're more at fault, but rather that they don't express their emotions both before and after the affair in terms that women can identify with.

 

They sometimes fail to make their case on the correlation between sexual function and male emotional health.

 

Generally speaking, women just don't get it. I try really hard, but I don't get it either. I'm just making a leap of faith that it is so.

 

It would be really interesting to be a man for just one day....just to see what it's really like.

[DazednConfused]

I was gonna.....

 

But hell. It's just not worth it.

[MySugaree]

Good points, guys. Very few men will attempt to rationalize an affair by claiming that their wife failed to meet their "emotional" needs. We explain our affairs using a more matter-of-fact, masculine vocabulary: "I was drunk." "The woman came on to me." "She was hot and it felt so good." "I had a weak moment." "It was only sex." "My wife stopped putting out."

 

Most guys would rather be viewed as unapologetic cheaters than weenie-wussies.

 

I suspect male cheaters are bashed more because they're much less adept, than their female counterparts, of packaging their affairs--of giving their affair an emotional gloss.

 

At bottom, men are more honest about their infidelity. We don't sugar coat.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by MySugaree

 

Most guys would rather be viewed as unapologetic cheaters than weenie-wussies.

 

werd.