Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.

[FolderWife]

I see...

[squirel]

I can't say for sure why men get bashed more here, but I have a couple theories.

 

1. Perspective - It seems like most of the people posting here are women who speak the same language and can more readily empathize with the needs and frustrations experienced by other women. This doesn't happen just with cheating it seems to happen in many threads where the men aren't expressing themselves in a way that is easily understood by all of the women.

 

2. It's more socially acceptable to bash men than it is for men to bash women. Men are supposed to be tougher and more able to take the abuse.

[cheaterhater]

Lot of good old fashioned stereotyping going on from people I woudn't have expected it from.

 

I agree bash them both even more so if the person or persons are Married,I recently found out my bestfriend is cheating on her husband and our friendship is now nothing because I have morals and I believe I married my husband I sleep with my husband and if problems start WE work on it .She says I just don't understand and so now she hangs out with cheaters who understand her so carry on all cheaters you will get cought.I think that everyone who is or has cheated is going to get theirs 10 fold.

[michelangelo]

I think that women outright lust after some guy just as much as men lust after women.

 

However, I also think that women dress that basic urge up in all this emotional clap-trap so they won't feel like a $lut.

 

And they worry about that feeling because they've been socialized to not want to be perceived as one.

 

So because they can turn on the crocadile tears, somehow that makes their form of cheating far "better" than a man's way of cheating?

 

Folks, last time I heard, a woman having sex with a man is still as carnal as a man having sex with a woman.

 

Did I miss something? If a man got all teary would that help in the man-bashing department?

[mypain65]

God Give us all the ability to know right from wrong. and if yougo as far as falling in love or even commitmentto someone you are dating. it is wrong why even go there. people cheat because they to lazy to move or need the incomeor just plain selfish.

[Tristram]

I think that women outright lust after some guy just as much as men lust after women.

 

However, I also think that women dress that basic urge up in all this emotional clap-trap so they won't feel like a $lut.

 

And they worry about that feeling because they've been socialized to not want to be perceived as one.

 

So because they can turn on the crocadile tears, somehow that makes their form of cheating far "better" than a man's way of cheating?

 

Folks, last time I heard, a woman having sex with a man is still as carnal as a man having sex with a woman.

 

Did I miss something? If a man got all teary would that help in the man-bashing department?

 

Totally agree. Plus I bash them all just the same. Far as I am concerned they are all scum.

[Woggle]

Because women are usually seen as the innocent victime no matter what. Cheating is wrong no matter who is cheating and if any woman cheated on me for any reason it would be over. I am not a hard guy to talk to so if she has issues within the relationship she can talk to me.

[slubberdegullion]

It's the typical double-standard at work.

 

It's much more socially acceptable - even encouraged - to bash a man. But if the same methods and words were used against a woman, there would be hell to pay.

 

Somewhere on this site (I can't seem to find it right now) there's a thread about How Oprah Thinks About Men or something like that. Now, given the fact that Oprah isn't married, is a multi-bazillionaire and lives in the glare of the limelight, one can hardly call her advice as coming from a regular source.

 

But somewhere in the list, there's a statement that's something like, If a man wants you, nothing will keep him away.

 

In other words, a woman can lie, cheat, steal, f*ck a fellow around in all forms you'd care to imagine, but a man is just supposed to lie down and accept the abuse because of his infatuation with her. In short, men are simple Pavlovian beings, drooling incessantly at the sight of a woman that they want.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. But that's not the point. If a similar thread were posted about women, the poster would likely be subject to a flaming that we haven't seen since the Great Fire of London.

 

So for those who want to bash away, go ahead. It says more about you than it does about your intended target.

 

</rant>

[Woggle]

It's the typical double-standard at work.

 

It's much more socially acceptable - even encouraged - to bash a man. But if the same methods and words were used against a woman, there would be hell to pay.

 

Somewhere on this site (I can't seem to find it right now) there's a thread about How Oprah Thinks About Men or something like that. Now, given the fact that Oprah isn't married, is a multi-bazillionaire and lives in the glare of the limelight, one can hardly call her advice as coming from a regular source.

 

But somewhere in the list, there's a statement that's something like, If a man wants you, nothing will keep him away.

 

In other words, a woman can lie, cheat, steal, f*ck a fellow around in all forms you'd care to imagine, but a man is just supposed to lie down and accept the abuse because of his infatuation with her. In short, men are simple Pavlovian beings, drooling incessantly at the sight of a woman that they want.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. But that's not the point. If a similar thread were posted about women, the poster would likely be subject to a flaming that we haven't seen since the Great Fire of London.

 

So for those who want to bash away, go ahead. It says more about you than it does about your intended target.

 

</rant>

 

I don't bite my toingue about women and while some people here may hate me they respect me. There is nothing more liberating than not giving a damn what anybody thinks. Once I learned to do that nothing but good things have happened. When women see that they can't phase me they begrudgingly show me respect. I used o bash women harshly on here and nobody banned me and I got flamed but not that bad. Have some balls.

[lindya]

Have some balls.

 

Thanks Woggle. Can I have some for later too?

[Woggle]

Thanks Woggle. Can I have some for later too?

 

Only one woman gets access to my balls these days.

[helena abadi]

women cheaters..men cheaters...all cheaters. no difference to me. i vote for cheater equality. bash them both.

[Woggle]

women cheaters..men cheaters...all cheaters. no difference to me. i vote for cheater equality. bash them both.

I agree. Why don't cheaters just stay single and screw all the people they want? I respect people who do that more than I respect cheaters.

[tonyp56]

I've got to say something here, my wife, if everyone’s idea is right, is with her new man because she was "neglected" by me emotionally. Well, that’s funny, because the last I heard (yes she shoves it in my face) they've had sex for hours and hours since she left. I would be trying to get a hold of her because I needed something for the kids, that I am watching, and she wouldn't call back, wouldn't answer the phone, etc. when I finally got a hold of her; she had been screwing most of the night before, and most of the day!

 

The truth is anyone that gives woman sympathy for cheating, is well an ass. How dare you, with your bent view of the world try to say that women are any better than men! I don't care what excuse a woman gives, it is no different than an excuse a man would give, in some way or another she or he is nothing but a betrayer, cheating, promiscuous a**hole. Emotional is an illusion, there is no such thing. The truth is, if a man doesn't grovel at a woman's feet, then he is neglecting her, but it is ok of course for a woman to tell her man "I don't feel like it, I'm tired, not tonight, I'm not horny, etc..." If it wasn't for something heavy, women wouldn't even know men are there.

 

I love our social norms, men are supposed to be, well the hunters and gathers, look at any other animal. When a man tries to be more of a father, husband, lover, etc. the world ****s on him, because well, “yeah, you take care of the kids, you did this right, but you aren’t a typical male”. But if that same man were what everyone wants, no emotions, no excuses, and asking for sex, and then he is nothing but a damn male pig! What is it I hear woman want, “I want a strong man, I want a man that is a man, blah, blah, blah” but as soon as she gets a man, “I hate him, all he ever wants is sex, and he doesn’t pay attention to my “EMOTIONAL” needs!” Either your man is a man, or he is not, and all our society has done by telling men “it’s ok to cry, it is ok to show emotion, be a Mr. mom, etc.” is made men completely confused! Because while society says that, society is also saying “men cheat because of lack of sex or because they just want to get laid, woman cheat because they are being neglected!” or “woman look for a man that works and provides, you not having a job for 3 years and instead taking care of your kids isn’t good enough, be a man” or “it is ok to bash men, because they deserve it,” should I continue?

 

Men are not wired the same as women, we want pretty much the same things as women, love, acceptance, companionship, friendship, etc. but we don’t always make decisions with our feelings, nor do we always want constant emotional attention from someone, we sometimes just want to know that they are there, and that is all—which is when women think we are “neglecting their feelings”. Men are driven to want sex, more than just because it feels good, but because sex, for at least me, is the way I do make an emotional connection—may or may not be the same that a woman makes, but it is emotional. Women and men are different, welcome to the 21st century; it is time that people figure this out, and stop with the sex wars! Without women, men would cease to exist, and guess what, without men women would too! We need each other as a species, but more importantly as human beings trying to live a life that is worth living! Cheating is cheating, no matter who done it, neither men nor women have an excuse that is acceptable.

[Mz. Pixie]

Because women are usually seen as the innocent victime no matter what. Cheating is wrong no matter who is cheating and if any woman cheated on me for any reason it would be over. I am not a hard guy to talk to so if she has issues within the relationship she can talk to me.

 

And what Woggle if that person has talked until they are blue in the face?? What if they've brought books home, only to have them thrown away, or what if they've suggested counseling numerous times, only to be told that they didn't need any counseling?? Yeah, sure you'll say leave but is it really that simple? There are many things to be considered in getting a divorce when you have kids.

 

I totally agree that cheating is wrong, no matter who does it. Do sometimes people cheat out of weakness or need?? Yeah, they do. I know because I've done it. People make mistakes!!!! Who are you to sit in judgement of anyone who does anything like that until you have walked in their shoes??

 

The only people whose stories I've read on this site who truly just had a wife who just screwed around with no regard were probably Yikes and Res Dog. In almost every other situation the guy admitted they had neglected their wives. You guys think that cheating is the worse thing a spouse can do?? What about spouses that cheat but their other partners are their job, their hobbies, alcohol or drugs?? Oh, that's okay because it's not sex??

 

I took responsibility for what I did wrong that ended my first marriage. I know what I did wrong. But it took two to get it into that condition not just me. The worst possible thing you guys can do is to sit there and think that you did nothing wrong or to minimize what you did and blame it all on your ex spouses. That's not helping you. You need to be able to admit what you did that caused it to happen, and yeah, in almost all instances there is something. HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT CHEAT!!!

[Woggle]

And what Woggle if that person has talked until they are blue in the face?? What if they've brought books home, only to have them thrown away, or what if they've suggested counseling numerous times, only to be told that they didn't need any counseling?? Yeah, sure you'll say leave but is it really that simple? There are many things to be considered in getting a divorce when you have kids.

 

I totally agree that cheating is wrong, no matter who does it. Do sometimes people cheat out of weakness or need?? Yeah, they do. I know because I've done it. People make mistakes!!!! Who are you to sit in judgement of anyone who does anything like that until you have walked in their shoes??

 

The only people whose stories I've read on this site who truly just had a wife who just screwed around with no regard were probably Yikes and Res Dog. In almost every other situation the guy admitted they had neglected their wives. You guys think that cheating is the worse thing a spouse can do?? What about spouses that cheat but their other partners are their job, their hobbies, alcohol or drugs?? Oh, that's okay because it's not sex??

 

I took responsibility for what I did wrong that ended my first marriage. I know what I did wrong. But it took two to get it into that condition not just me. The worst possible thing you guys can do is to sit there and think that you did nothing wrong or to minimize what you did and blame it all on your ex spouses. That's not helping you. You need to be able to admit what you did that caused it to happen, and yeah, in almost all instances there is something. HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT CHEAT!!!

 

I had a wife that just screwed around. I did everything I could to make her happy and she still cheated on me. I had no clue she was unhappy until I found out she was cheating and if she was so unhappy why does she want me back so bad now? Like I said point blank cheaters are wrong. If you are that unhappy then leave. Now that I have another woman in my life I told her right off the bat that if she cheated it would be over and she feels the same way.

[Mz. Pixie]

And of course you should tell the person they shouldn't cheat.

 

Your ex wife is opposite from me then because even though I'd cheated my exhusband still wanted us to stay together. That was a wake up call to me that I needed to get out. And I did. Guess what? He still hasn't changed a bit even though he swore he would. He still leaves his girlfriend at home and does whatever the hell he wants to. The only time he wants her around is for ass or to help take care of the kids. Maybe that's enough for her?

 

My original point is yeah, he's probably sitting somewhere telling someone "I did everything I could to try and make her happy" Just because he says it doesn't make it so.

[Woggle]

And of course you should tell the person they shouldn't cheat.

 

Your ex wife is opposite from me then because even though I'd cheated my exhusband still wanted us to stay together. That was a wake up call to me that I needed to get out. And I did. Guess what? He still hasn't changed a bit even though he swore he would. He still leaves his girlfriend at home and does whatever the hell he wants to. The only time he wants her around is for ass or to help take care of the kids. Maybe that's enough for her?

 

My original point is yeah, he's probably sitting somewhere telling someone "I did everything I could to try and make her happy" Just because he says it doesn't make it so.

 

Well I did do everything to make her happy. I left her after she broke our vows and I would leave my girlfriend if she ever cheated but I seriously doubt she would.

[Tristram]

And of course you should tell the person they shouldn't cheat.

 

Your ex wife is opposite from me then because even though I'd cheated my exhusband still wanted us to stay together. That was a wake up call to me that I needed to get out. And I did. Guess what? He still hasn't changed a bit even though he swore he would. He still leaves his girlfriend at home and does whatever the hell he wants to. The only time he wants her around is for ass or to help take care of the kids. Maybe that's enough for her?

 

My original point is yeah, he's probably sitting somewhere telling someone "I did everything I could to try and make her happy" Just because he says it doesn't make it so.

 

There are people out there that will not physically cheat under any circumstances. I know, I am one of them. It is something that comes from having morals. Strength, Honor, integrety, vigilence, discipline. These are ideals I have been raised with since child hood. And of course "do unto others as you would have done unto you." The guy you where with may be a ass. But that does not excuse your behavior at all. And yes the girl he is with now maybe happy with him. It is possible, everyone is different.

[Mz. Pixie]

There are people out there that will not physically cheat under any circumstances. I know, I am one of them. It is something that comes from having morals. Strength, Honor, integrety, vigilence, discipline. These are ideals I have been raised with since child hood. And of course "do unto others as you would have done unto you." The guy you where with may be a ass. But that does not excuse your behavior at all. And yes the girl he is with now maybe happy with him. It is possible, everyone is different.

 

Tristam- you STILL do not know what you would do until you're in that situation. I certainly am a person of strength- amazing strength I've been told, integrity, vigilence and discipline. I certainly have morals. I can certainly understand that not everyone will cheat, but not everyone that cheats is a bad person. Can you wrap your head around that one?? I'm a wonderful mother, friend, and I was the perfect wife for a LONG time when I was getting nothing in return. I was a longtime member of a church- I taught Sunday School and probably anyone who met me thought I had the perfect marriage. Because I kept my problems to myself and didn't run around bashing my husband.

 

Same thing when you have a man whose wife isn't interested in sex. He hasn't had sex in years- she's disgusted by it and won't even broach the subject. So, he cheats. Who is to fault here? BOTH parties, not just him. He has a basic right and desire to have his needs met, she is not meeting them. I'm not talking about in cases where illness is the reason and such like that but just the woman who doesn't like sex and refuses to have it.

 

As a matter of fact, I'm positive that my exhusband's girlfriend is happy with him. Why? Because her first husband treated her much worse than this and she stayed with him. For instance, her car had 150K miles on it and he wanted a new truck- he got it. She's perfect for my exhusband- no needs of her own for him to have to be bothered with. Good for her I say.

[Tristram]

Pixie, It seems to me you are still trying to justify what you have done.

And FYI my wife suffered from post partem depression for over a year. During that time she was a complete b!tch and basically treated me like s***. Nothing I did or could do was good enough for her. I even have been scalded and my arms covered in 2nd degree burns trying to make a aquarium out of a coffee pot for her. She did not give a s*** and I ended up throwing it away because it did not look right to her. Sex was basically non-existent during this time also. Yet I still did not cheat on her. The opportunity was there, as a female co-worker knew of how my wife treated me and she did try to get me to leave my wife for her. Instead I kept on my wife untill she realized something had to be done. It took me leaving in the middle of a fight and not saying a word to her. She hunted me down the next day, and a week later she started a hormone perscription. So yea, I know what it is like! Needless to say how blown away I was when I found out the b!tch cheated on me. I have done everything I could for her, I have stayed with her threw thick and thin, I have shown her nothing but love and acceptence. Yet this is the thanks I get! I have left her once. And she begged me to come back. I have started to leave again several times. And she has done everything she could to stop me. She does'nt know it, but if she does'nt do something significant to show me her intentions I am still going to leave her. I am not going to be her door mat anymore. So yes, I am adult enough not to do it. I am also adult enough to realize sometimes it can't be fixed and to simply walk away.

Why could you, pixie, not just walk away? Your integrity and honor would still be intact if you had.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not trying to justify my actions, I said it was wrong. I can also tell you without a doubt that his actions directly led me to be in a situation where I was vulnerable to cheat. I ultimately made the decision to step over the line yes, but what he did pushed me closer to the line.

 

Most people don't just up and say, "Ooooh, I'm going to go out today and find someone to cheat with" It just happens, gradually over time.

 

The reason I just didn't leave first is that I didn't know it was going to happen. Although I'd told my husband I would either leave or have an affair it was really a empty threat or so I thought. Within three years I'd lost my mom, had a hysterectomy, lost my grandmother- who was the only person who ever loved me more than they loved themselves, and suffered some pretty bad financial stress- due to the fact that my exhusband spent all our money on his fun stuff. In other words, I was cracking up but yet no one ever noticed I had a problem. Because I'm so strong and tough and I've made it through worse things. Even though I cried everyday.

 

As I've said, I've taken responsibility for my actions. The whole thing cost me more than I could ever articulate and not including my marriage- which was a sham anyway. I've also asked for forgiveness from my God, and I believe that He has forgiven me. That's really all that is required for me to do. People make mistakes. That doesn't mean they deserve to be punished for the rest of their lives for them or that they are bad people.

 

I still feel that I have integrity and honor and I don't believe that that's something that you can lose on the basis of one mistake.

[Mz. Pixie]

Also, I'd like to add-

 

We humans like to put things into categories. Telling a lie isn't as bad as being a child molester or committing adultery. The Bible says that looking at another woman with lust is committing adultery.

 

If you've ever looked at another woman and thought she looked hot, or masturbated to porn or anything of the sort, according to this you've committed adultery.

 

Sin is sin no matter what it is.

[Tristram]

Pixie, You allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You allowed yourself to cheat. You chose to sleep with someone who was not your husband. You made the decision to do all of these things. Sure it was not completely preplaned, but you also could have stopped yourself from doing it. There is no excuse or reason for doing that period. No one deserves to be cheated on, NO ONE! There is always another way. Of course you probably had some desire to hurt him also. But I dont know you well enough to say that for sure. Cheating is a selfish act no matter how one rolls the dice.

 

Yes the bible does say that. But god also gave man free will and we cannot always control the thoughts we have. Everyone is a sinner some are saved, others are lost. But that does not excuse one from not following the path of the rightous man. You may have thoughts, but acting upon them is completly different.

[Mz. Pixie]

I believe that I said that yes, I allowed myself to cheat. Where in my posts do I ever say anything like that the other guy forced himself on me or anything else remotely like that?? I didn't ALLOW myself to be vulnerable, I was vulnerable. Human beings are not robots. You were also wrong on saying that I wanted to hurt my exhusband deep down. That was not the case at all. I wasn't even really considering his feelings at that point. That's what infidelity does to you. It causes you not to see things clearly. It took a full year after my indiscretion for me to even feel like myself again.

 

What you are doing is not accepting blame for any part that you might have had in this. That is what I'm trying to get you to see. There are others here- Thumbing My way, Lady Jane, who DO see the parts that they played in their spouses cheating- whether physical or emotional affairs.

 

Here is a prime example. The man that is my husband now. His wife cheated on him early into the marriage and carried on a long term affair before leaving him. It wasn't a short fling, it was staying out all night and not coming home and stuff like that. As a matter of fact, she was pregnant by the OM before their divorce was final. You know what he did? He went to marriage counseling on his own. Even though she was the one who cheated, he fully admitted he'd made mistakes in the marriage that might have pushed her in that direction. He accepted responsibility for the things that he did that caused the marriage to end. Did he sit up there and say "Ohhh because she screwed around I'm perfect and it's totally her fault or What she did was so much worse than what I did" No, he did not because he understood he was not perfect. He wanted to know the mistakes that he made so that whenever he attempted a relationship the next time, he would know what NOT to do. I personally could not ever see myself in a relationship with a man who was so bitter as to blame the entire collapse of his marriage on the other person. Until you accept responsibility for what you've done wrong you will never be able to heal and move forward.

 

Very very rarely is the person who strays a heartless, manipulating, person who just runs out to cheat to hurt their spouse. Those people are considered serial cheaters. I'm basing my statements on research that I've done on this subject and the countless posts that we've had on this subject on this board and another board I'm a member of. There are too many things that go into play into a marriage that no one knows except the persons involved. At some point, she had some resentment towards you that was allowed to fester. It's not any different for men or women. There is almost always something missing in the marriage that causes this to happen. That's not to say you didn't do everything you THOUGHT she wanted or needed- it's just probably for her something was missing. I am certainly not implying that you are a bad person at all. I do find it interesting though that you're talking of morals and such, but yet you're taking the same approach that your wife did in being secretive. You're planning to leave her unless "she straightens up". Well, mending a marriage is about forgiveness and working together to make things better.

 

I've been posting here for a while now, and my reputation for telling it like it is speaks for itself. I'm the only female on this board who has the guts to stand up and tell her story about being unfaithful and stick around. Let me tell you, I'm not doing it for my own sake. I'm doing it to help some of the men who come here and women too, that can't understand the other side of infidelity. You can sit there and be hard hearted and think I don't know what I'm talking about if you want to, and it doesn't apply to you and that's fine. The fact of the matter is, I've lived it and I've been there.