Girlfriend of 11 years cheated

[hidden77]

My g/f told me the other day that she had been seeing one of her co-workers. She said it happened a few months back and that it has stopped. She also said she liked the attention she got form him and that they had sex multiple times. I have not talked to her since that.

She told my sister about it and my sister told her not to tell me because everybody makes a mistake. Now I don't really want to talk to my sister because of that. So I'm looking at losing my g/f and sister over all this.

The kicker is I feel I can't put 100% of the blame on her. Over the past 5 years we have only had sex a few times. I just never felt like having sex. About a month ago we talked about that and I went to the doctor and found out that I have low testosterone and have started taking medicine.

I don't have anyone I can talk with about this because of all the shame I feel.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Hawaii51]

1. take back about what you said about your sister. What she said and did wasn't right. But she didn't our her own selfish intentions of not hurting you and keeping her in the family. She's your blood, you forgive her in time, and set your lines about personal relationship in the sand- now.

 

2. I couldn't accept the circumstances of the infidelity. Something about the workplace adultery drives me up a wall and I hope I never have to experience it.

[Hawaii51]

Giving more thought-energy to it, I really want to have a chat with the guy at the workplace.

[hidden77]

Giving more thought-energy to it, I really want to have a chat with the guy at the workplace.

 

Yeah I thought about that last night, then my next thought was slamming his head into a wall. So this might not be a good thing to do at the moment.

[Space Ritual]

Yeah I thought about that last night, then my next thought was slamming his head into a wall. So this might not be a good thing to do at the moment.

 

Why? He wasn't in a relationship with you, your Girlfriend was though. Frankly, you are also accepting blame for her choices and you need to stop that. So what if you only had sex a handful of times over the last few years. Did she tell you that she needed sex right then and there and threaten to leave you?. Generally in a mature situation, a person who has been in a relationship for 11 years will feel comfortable revealing exactly what needs are not being met. Your GF did not. You have no control over her actions so don't accept one bit of the blame for her banging a co worker. She could have just as easily broken up with you beforehand after all the time she had invested with you. However she decided that it would not hurt you if you did not know and even your sister aided and abetted her infidelity.

Siblings don't always get along, but her helping your GF out would be a deal breaker to many if not most siblings.

 

Your GF is quoting the Cheaters Handbook chapter and verse....."I banged my coworker and it's all your fault"...Do NOT accept such rubbish.

 

You need to cut them both out of your life as soon as possible. Actions have consequences and unless you enforce some you will continue to get bulldozed by Life.

[Hawaii51]

Neah, no violence. But I don't think it's much to make a planned scene. Just walk in loudly asking for the guy who is ****ing your wife. Be laughable, and really nice. But loud and vulgar. reminisce about the family you had. Give a special thanks to the boss for setting them up. lmao.

[PegNosePete]

^ That stupid stuff is going to get you arrested. Don't do it.

 

Your GF is the one and only person you should be blaming here. She is the one who cheated on you. The other guy didn't make you any promises and didn't break any commitments to you.

 

Personally I would dump your cheating GF. She knew you had a medical condition, and rather than helping you get over it, she banged another guy. I would not want that sort of person around me.

 

Your sister is your family and always will be, so maybe ask her about why she advised your GF to hide it from you. I am sure she was thinking of your best interests (even though her advice was poor). I would be much more forgiving to the sister than the cheating GF.

[Hawaii51]

You can't get arrested for having a conversation across a room with the person ****ing your wife.

[Space Ritual]

As someone who walked in on my fiance screwing one of my friends in my bed I will be the first to say you never know how you are going to react. I did not walk into my own home expecting to be led back out of it in handcuffs after sending 2 people to the hospital...yet that's exactly what happened.

 

Take it from me...NOTHING GOOD will come from a confrontation, unless of course you are ok with potentially becoming a felon in an instant. If you can deal with the fallout then have right at it....lol

[PegNosePete]

You can't get arrested for having a conversation across a room with the person ****ing your wife.

No but if you barge into someone else's workplace being "loud and vulgar" it's sure to escalate. At a minimum you will be thrown out by security, and everyone including your gf and the other guy will think you're a total douchebag, and she will justify her affair even more strongly. Also verbal abuse is a criminal offence in many jurisdictions. Seriously this is a total douchebag thing to do, it will cause much more drama and trouble than it will solve.

[Hawaii51]

There's a tactful and perfect way to do it, I'm sorry you lack the imagination. Maybe drop off the house keys with a list of "honey-do's" that you haven't completed in prep for summer.

 

Or maybe...You're just that Buddhist where that 11 year relationship needed to come to this point for you to realize something.

 

Besides, an office full of people would not only understand a jilted partner causing a stir, buy enjoy in the amusement of the ousted co-workers.

 

 

I'd even ask the first cute and single worker there out. lol. never know.

[barcode88]

OP it sucks the situation you are in, but what did you expect? Having sex is an important part of any relationship and you were depriving her of that.

 

Why are you so mad if she got her needs met elsewhere if you didn't want to meet them yourself?

 

 

Food for thought so it doesn't happen next time. You've been together a long time, maybe work things out with her or go to couples counseling?

[Chi townD]

OP it sucks the situation you are in, but what did you expect? Having sex is an important part of any relationship and you were depriving her of that.

 

Why are you so mad if she got her needs met elsewhere if you didn't want to meet them yourself?

 

 

REALLY?!?! The dude had low T and never knew it. Instead of staying and working the issues, she went off and screw some other dude. If he willingly went to the doctor to discover the problem, then that would lead anyone to believe that, if asked in a serious relationship conversation between the two of them, he would have gone to get it checked out. But, her solution was to cheat AND YOUR TELLING HIM HE DESERVED IT?!?!

 

 

OP, you didn't deserve to get cheated on. No one does. Don't get too mad at your sister, at the end of the day, I truly believe that she was trying to protect you. She knew that if you found out, it would destroy you. And she probably thought that when she see's you and the girlfriend together, you seemed really happy and she didn't want that disrupted for you. So, she was having her write it off as a mistake.

 

 

But, here's the rub. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. If it happened once, it MIGHT have been a mistake, but she kept on going back. It was a conscious decision. She made a choice and that's what she chose. You did nothing to deserve that.

 

 

Dude, I think you need to move on. Let her go. If she's convince that she made a mistake. Well, that's a mistake that she'll have to live with because you don't have to.

[Clay]

After 11 years she really could not come to you and say she was up happy. I think that says everything. Clearly its time to move on and as far as the sister is concerned there is no way in hell I would allow her back in my life. Shes blood. She should have came and said something to you but she chose to protect your girlfriend instead of you. Its not a mistake. Taking your pants on requires effort and thought. Its stupid to call both these acts of betrayal a mistake.

 

Move on with your life you clearly deserve better and it wouldnt hurt to start fresh with someone new especially now that you have learned about your medical issue. You didn't deserve what she did and its there problem to live with there choices not yours.

 

Clay

[Space Ritual]

OP it sucks the situation you are in, but what did you expect? Having sex is an important part of any relationship and you were depriving her of that.

 

Why are you so mad if she got her needs met elsewhere if you didn't want to meet them yourself?

 

 

Food for thought so it doesn't happen next time. You've been together a long time, maybe work things out with her or go to couples counseling?

 

You must have a high lead content in your drinking water.

[hidden77]

Thanks for all the reply's. I'm sitting here trying to wrap my head around all of this and I can't even get my work done........life. I want to text her and ask questions but I'm not sure I can handle the answers.

[jen1447]

Agree with barcode just in a devil's advocate type of way. She should have handled it differently, but the situation was a ticking time bomb from the start. A few rounds in five years bscly equals inevitable sex elsewhere. Low drive, ok, but you should have expected/assumed that wasn't gonna do it for her unless she told you explicitly otherwise. And even then I wouldn't believe it.

[barcode88]

REALLY?!?! The dude had low T and never knew it. Instead of staying and working the issues, she went off and screw some other dude. If he willingly went to the doctor to discover the problem, then that would lead anyone to believe that, if asked in a serious relationship conversation between the two of them, he would have gone to get it checked out. But, her solution was to cheat AND YOUR TELLING HIM HE DESERVED IT?!?!

 

 

OP, you didn't deserve to get cheated on. No one does. Don't get too mad at your sister, at the end of the day, I truly believe that she was trying to protect you. She knew that if you found out, it would destroy you. And she probably thought that when she see's you and the girlfriend together, you seemed really happy and she didn't want that disrupted for you. So, she was having her write it off as a mistake.

 

 

But, here's the rub. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. If it happened once, it MIGHT have been a mistake, but she kept on going back. It was a conscious decision. She made a choice and that's what she chose. You did nothing to deserve that.

 

 

Dude, I think you need to move on. Let her go. If she's convince that she made a mistake. Well, that's a mistake that she'll have to live with because you don't have to.

 

You must have a high lead content in your drinking water.

 

Why? I'm not saying it's OK that she cheated, but what does the OP expect if he's not giving her the sex she wants? It's the same when a guy is in a 10 year marriage and his wife won't have sex with him, then she acts surprised that he visited a hooker.

 

If the OP had low T levels and needed to seek treatment, he should have done that instead of going 5 years with barely any sex.

 

I see this is a big wakeup call to the OP, I don't think he needs to throw his relationship away, but he needs to own up that he has been insufficiently meeting his Girlfriend's needs and try make things work.

[Chi townD]

Then she should have ended it with him and not drag it out for 5 years. There is NOTHING that justifies cheating. If she was unhappy with the state of their relationship, then she should have walked and be free to sleep with the entire Dallas Cowboys football team if she wanted. She would be single and have every right to do so. Or she should have stayed and worked on their issues.

 

 

No one was holding a gun to her head, she could have walked anytime. But, she decided to cheat instead.

 

 

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON! That's just humiliating, rude and cruel. And he didn't deserve that especially since an underlying medical condition had been discovered that was beyond his control.

 

 

OP, don't call her to "try and get answers" because she's just going to fill you up with the same BS some people here are trying to feed you. That she's sorry she hurt you BUT you deserved it. And you don't need to hear her crap justifications.

[barcode88]

Then she should have ended it with him and not drag it out for 5 years. There is NOTHING that justifies cheating. If she was unhappy with the state of their relationship, then she should have walked and be free to sleep with the entire Dallas Cowboys football team if she wanted. She would be single and have every right to do so. Or she should have stayed and worked on their issues.

 

 

No one was holding a gun to her head, she could have walked anytime. But, she decided to cheat instead.

 

 

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON! That's just humiliating, rude and cruel. And he didn't deserve that especially since an underlying medical condition had been discovered that was beyond his control.

 

 

OP, don't call her to "try and get answers" because she's just going to fill you up with the same BS some people here are trying to feed you. That she's sorry she hurt you BUT you deserved it. And you don't need to hear her crap justifications.

 

I think when you're in a 11 year relationship that is otherwise healthy, it's hard to just throw that away for some people. Not saying it's right, but that's how it is. Same thing goes when people are married with kids.

 

Keep in mind that the cheaters are people with feelings too. She probably felt hurt and undesired that he didn't want her sexually. That's on the OP.

[Chi townD]

I see this is a big wakeup call to the OP, I don't think he needs to throw his relationship away, but he needs to own up that he has been insufficiently meeting his Girlfriend's needs and try make things work.

 

 

 

People that have low T lead incredibly normal lives. They do not feel ill in any way and he probably considered his sex drive to be normal for him because he's been living with low T throughout his life and probably thought that it normal for him!

 

 

So, if he needs to "own up" to anything, it's to own up that he has a hormone condition THAT WAS BEYOND HIS CONTROL AND IS IN NO WAY HIS FAULT!

 

 

I mean, seriously! Would you be saying the same thing if he has been battling cancer for that past few years and the radiation and chemo has constantly left him frail and tired? "Sorry to hear she cheated on you, but what did you expect! She needed a strong and healthy stud to take care of her and you couldn't provide that for her."

 

 

And your last sentence sounds like he should consider giving her a free pass for her cheating because of a condition that was beyond his control!

Edited May 8, 2015 by Chi townD

[barcode88]

People that have low T lead incredibly normal lives. They do not feel ill in any way and he probably considered his sex drive to be normal for him because he's been living with low T throughout his life and probably thought that it normal for him!

 

 

So, if he needs to "own up" to anything, it's to own up that he has a hormone condition THAT WAS BEYOND HIS CONTROL AND IS IN NO WAY HIS FAULT!

 

 

I mean, seriously! Would you be saying the same thing if he has been battling cancer for that past few years and the radiation and chemo has constantly left him frail and tired? "Sorry to hear she cheated on you, but what did you expect! She needed a strong and healthy stud to take care of her and you couldn't provide that for her."

 

 

And your last sentence sounds like he should consider giving her a free pass for her cheating because of a condition that was beyond his control!

 

Your analogy doesn't really work... You're comparing apples and oranges.

 

1) Low T is easily treatable, and won't kill you. The argument is: Why does this person not get treated for it and have sex?

 

2) Cancer is NOT easily treatable and will kill you. People will understand that you're not having sex due to a life threatening illness.

 

 

If you lack desire to have sex, obviously something is wrong... I'm assuming since they've been together 11 years, she's expressed some disappointment with the lack of sex... He could have tried to make things work but he let things slip into a sexless relationship for 5 years.

[Chi townD]

Your analogy doesn't really work... You're comparing apples and oranges.

 

1) Low T is easily treatable, and won't kill you. The argument is: Why does this person not get treated for it and have sex?

 

2) Cancer is NOT easily treatable and will kill you. People will understand that you're not having sex due to a life threatening illness.

 

 

If you lack desire to have sex, obviously something is wrong... I'm assuming since they've been together 11 years, she's expressed some disappointment with the lack of sex... He could have tried to make things work but he let things slip into a sexless relationship for 5 years.

 

 

Actually, it's not just apples and oranges, if you've been her as long as I have, there have been thread where cancer survivors had that very thing happen to them. There's significant others usually gave them a line of crap saying that they needed a break from the stress the situation was causing....blah...blah...

 

 

And you're assuming that she approached him about they're lack of sex in the relationship. But, he never wrote anything about that. There was definitely a break down of communication in the relationship or lack there of. BUT! If she did approach him about the issues and he did nothing to change them or them finding a happy median, THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT! It would have been obvious that she wasn't happy, therefore...GO! Again, there is absolutely NO JUSTIFICATION to cheat. She may have had grounds to end the relationship, but no grounds to cheat on him. I mean, you even wrote that you didn't say it was OK for her to cheat. But, you are advocating for her justification for her to cheat. Therefore, you think that it is okay.

[No Limit]

You cut her off, and honestly, distance yourself from your sister. She would have you raise another man's child sooner than look out for your best.

[sandylee1]

I'm somewhere in the middle of Chitown and Barcode.

 

My questions would be;

 

Did she raise the issue of lack of sex with you?

Didn't you think you should have done something before now?

 

For the girlfriend, if I had raised the issue and no action was being taken, then she should have ended the relationship instead of cheating.

 

She put your sister in a horrible position. It was very unfair to do that. Don't let her ruin your relationship with your sister forever. She's not worth it.

 

Why don't you talk to your sister and try and understand why she didn't tell you. I would never keep this from my brothers.

 

Do not speak to the OM. Deal with your GF. It's only going to cause you pain. If she told him about the lack of intimacy with you, it will be used to hurt you. Your beef is with your GF.

 

She's betrayed you, but lack of intimacy can lead to infidelity and that is a reality.