Girlfriend of 11 years cheated

[Heer]

Hi OP, it must've been devastating to find out that your gf cheated on you:(. I know I would be if my bf did that to me:(. But then again it was an 11 year relationship (kudos for lasting so long), so I would probably opt to talk to her and verbalize your feelings. I'm assuming that you know a lot about her after all these years and I honestly feel that with such a long relationship like that its bound to hit some bumps and this is one of them. To tell you the truth, I feel that what your gf did was wrong but understandable given your circumstances, and no, that still doesn't make it right on her part.

[barcode88]

If it were me I wouldn't throw away 11 years of my life, especially if I had a part to play in it.

 

Hopefully the OP can fix things with his GF.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she cheated on you. When you break it down to bare bones. She gave herself to another man.

 

 

Dude, I think it's about time that you move on. Chalk it up as there were problems in your relationship and you can own up to 50% of those problems and she needs to own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her. That is the choice she made for herself.

 

 

I think it's time to move on and start focusing on the things you have control over and that is YOU! Focus on healing and getting your health back on track. You need to focus on trying to repair your relationship with your sister. Because, like it or not, she is your sister and will be in your life in some way, shape or form for the rest of your life.

 

 

Don't call the OM. Why? He didn't give a damn about your relationship. So, he isn't going to give a damn about what you have to say. And don't talk to your girlfriend or Ex girlfriend. Why? It won't change the fact that she cheated and betrayed you. Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

Time to focus on you and start making positive changes in your life.

[hidden77]

Sorry for being away had to work. I text her and here is what was said.

 

me

When did it start?

When did it end?

Where did it happen?

Did you leave me to go to him?

Did you stay the night?

 

her

First of the year, hasn't,hotel his place,yes,yes

I know I have hurt and pissed you off. I need you to know I wasn't looking for it to happen it just did.And I NEVER intended to hurt you. And I am sorry I have I can't take back what is done.

If best for me to be gone until we can be civil, I can do that. Just let me know what you need me to do. I don't want to argue and fight.

 

me

What do mean it hasn't? Are you still seeing him?

 

her

Yes I have been.

 

me

So you want him and not me.

What do you mean be civil? I have been civil.

When was the last time y'all was together?

 

her

No.

When I left the other day.

 

me

So you was with him this whole past weekend?

 

her

I am so confused right now. I don't know. I don't know if I can go back from here.

Yes I was.

and I know you are too.

 

me

I am what? Confused? I was until now. Your screwing a guy and asking me why we aren't having sex. I go and get checked and your still doing him. Guess it was easier to get a new boy friend than talk to the one you had.

 

her

I have tried talking to you before. I guess not hard enough but when yoy talk to someone and don't really get a response it makes it hard. You have never been a real talker I get that.

I have ask you a few times over the years was there something wrong.

 

me

So now this is my fault.

 

her

No thats not what I was saying.

I know I am to blame.

 

me

So when you left Wednesday you went to him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So there it is. I know I could of been better.......should have been better. Thats why I do not put 100% blame on her. It's not all on her.

[hidden77]

And as for my sister she's my big sis. I will be mad but I'm sure she was just looking out for me. She told my g/f that if it happened once that it was a mistake. I don't think she knows its still happening. I will ask her.......one day.(my sister that is)

[Chi townD]

Wow dude. Absolutely no remorse in those texts. Not even a proper apology. It's like, "OPPS! I messed up! Oh well! Call me when you won't yell at me. Until then, I'll be sleeping in this other dudes bed! Oh, if you call and I don't pick up, I'll call you back after we're done."

 

 

Dude, tell her to shove it up her ass and move on!

[lolablue17]

God lord, your cheating GF says she still wants a relationship with you and asking you to calm down, and meanwhile she is still screwing the guy.

 

Tell her that the first condition for you to consider if you want to reconcile, is her stop seeing him, and if she has to see him at work, she must quit her job today. Until that's done, there's nothing to talk about between you two.

Edited May 8, 2015 by lolablue17

[barcode88]

OP she doesn't seem eager to make things work with you. You need to stop thinking about what happened, and start thinking about how you're going to fix things or move on from this.

 

Maybe some time apart would be best.

 

I agree with Chi, she doesn't seem very remorseful.

[ToOldForThis]

I laughed a lot because of you, I cried a lot because of you, I believe in love because of you. Sometimes the wrong choices in life, bring us to the right places. I wonder if you know how much of me belongs to you.

[ToOldForThis]

oops wrong post

[ToOldForThis]

Years ago my I had a girlfriend who cheated on me after being together for a year. She was recently divorced and had been married fairly young. Her excuse was that the guy was giving her incredible attention and she just wanted to experience it. Yeah it hurt but I forgave her and we went our relationship continue another 9 years.

 

Here’s the difference; my girlfriend was completely remorseful, called the guy in front of me and told him it was over and a mistake. She then asked me what she could do to gain my trust back and would go as slow as needed. She offered to sleep in another room or whatever it took to help me get past it. She let me express my anger and betrayal. She gave me all the passwords to all her accounts and offered to show me her phone bill every month (yes she could have got a burner phone ) She basically put herself on relationship probation.

 

Your girlfriend is doing the opposite. You are allowed to be anger, feel betrayed and express it. You were the one cheated on. And yes, going 5 years with little or no sex is not a good idea in any relationship. You could have satisfied her orally or with hands. Many ways to give her pleasure without intercourse. It seems neither one of you stepped up to the plate to discuss this lack of intimacy. This was bound to happen but it perhaps could have been avoided. Either way it’s done and if she is still seeing this guy it’s not just for sex anymore, she is having a relationship with him. Staying overnight is not how affairs usually work, unless you are out of town.

 

I don’t see any good coming from this until she takes responsibility for her actions, looks you in the eyes, tells you she loves you, doesn’t want to loose what you and will do whatever it takes to help you trust her again. You can take as much responsibility for your actions and not caring for her needs, but you did not betray her so this is more on her to make amen’s.

[drifter777]

As someone who walked in on my fiance screwing one of my friends in my bed I will be the first to say you never know how you are going to react. I did not walk into my own home expecting to be led back out of it in handcuffs after sending 2 people to the hospital...yet that's exactly what happened.

 

Take it from me...NOTHING GOOD will come from a confrontation, unless of course you are ok with potentially becoming a felon in an instant. If you can deal with the fallout then have right at it....lol

I don't know how this ended up for you, legally, but if you didn't kill them then you should have gotten a pat on the back and a hardy handshake from the police and sent on your way. If you killed them - or just your fiance - in my mind it would be justifiable homicide. You'd never be convicted if I was on your jury.

[drifter777]

Sorry for being away had to work. I text her and here is what was said.

 

me

When did it start?

When did it end?

Where did it happen?

Did you leave me to go to him?

Did you stay the night?

 

her

First of the year, hasn't,hotel his place,yes,yes

I know I have hurt and pissed you off. I need you to know I wasn't looking for it to happen it just did.And I NEVER intended to hurt you. And I am sorry I have I can't take back what is done.

If best for me to be gone until we can be civil, I can do that. Just let me know what you need me to do. I don't want to argue and fight.

 

me

What do mean it hasn't? Are you still seeing him?

 

her

Yes I have been.

 

me

So you want him and not me.

What do you mean be civil? I have been civil.

When was the last time y'all was together?

 

her

No.

When I left the other day.

 

me

So you was with him this whole past weekend?

 

her

I am so confused right now. I don't know. I don't know if I can go back from here.

Yes I was.

and I know you are too.

 

me

I am what? Confused? I was until now. Your screwing a guy and asking me why we aren't having sex. I go and get checked and your still doing him. Guess it was easier to get a new boy friend than talk to the one you had.

 

her

I have tried talking to you before. I guess not hard enough but when yoy talk to someone and don't really get a response it makes it hard. You have never been a real talker I get that.

I have ask you a few times over the years was there something wrong.

 

me

So now this is my fault.

 

her

No thats not what I was saying.

I know I am to blame.

 

me

So when you left Wednesday you went to him?

 

So there it is. I know I could of been better.......should have been better. Thats why I do not put 100% blame on her. It's not all on her.

 

I don't care what anyone else says, none of her cheating is on you. It was all on her to tell you she was not happy and end the relationship so she could pursue sex if you wouldn't or couldn't give it to her. Period.

 

Dump her for God's sake. She want's this new guy and you are never going to forget what she did. You aren't married - this is a no-brainer. Break it off ASAP and move forward with your life.

[Diezel]

I think when you're in a 11 year relationship that is otherwise healthy, it's hard to just throw that away for some people.

 

She had absolutely NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO problem throwing it away... multiple times.

 

Sorry, but if someone I was with for 11 years confessed to me that they cheated on me MULTIPLE times and the person they sought to tell was my sister, I'd have absolutely no trouble erasing that person from my life.

[ascendotum]

Agree with barcode just in a devil's advocate type of way. She should have handled it differently, but the situation was a ticking time bomb from the start. A few rounds in five years bscly equals inevitable sex elsewhere. Low drive, ok, but you should have expected/assumed that wasn't gonna do it for her unless she told you explicitly otherwise. And even then I wouldn't believe it.

 

Many guys have the instinct to bash the guy banging their gf, but its missing out on who the main blame should fall on. His gf owes him her loyalty & faithfulness not this other guy who may have never met him. I think circumstances change re: bashing where the guy is someone closer who knows you and they deliberately set out to work on your gf emotions and sleep with her because they are a prick and its for the kicks.

 

I know many here are B&W when it comes to cheating and that there is never an excuse or even mitigating circumstances but I'm also a devils advocate. When I first read the 'she liked the attention' part I thought here we go with that cliche line, but given her crappy sex life for last 5 yrs, I get it. Look she really should have given him a heads up that the lack of sex was driving her up the wall and she was having thoughts of cheating or breaking up with him. I am sure this would have fired him up to sort out his health issue sooner. I feel he should have solved his low T problem a number of yrs prior or at least tried a bunch of different aphrodisiacs. For me I'd feel bad for not having sex for months with my gf who I knew was up for action whenever. I'm not putting blame on him, but his lack of actions did play a role in this.

 

While I see it from the other side, I can also understand he will be devastated and I understand how he would not want her back...all the more because the affair is on going. Unlike his sister I would not call banging a guy multiple times a mistake. A drunken ONS would fall under mistake.

[barcode88]

She had absolutely NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO problem throwing it away... multiple times.

 

Sorry, but if someone I was with for 11 years confessed to me that they cheated on me MULTIPLE times and the person they sought to tell was my sister, I'd have absolutely no trouble erasing that person from my life.

 

I think it depends on the circumstances to be honest...

 

But based on the discussion the OP had with his GF, she didn't seem too apologetic.... Not to mention she's still seeing the guy. In this case I think the OP needs to dump her.

 

However if she was remorseful for what she did and they both wanted to work their problems out with each other and showed mutual devotion, then that's a totally different story. Doesn't seem to be the case.

 

 

If she hasn't dropped this guy yet, I say forget it OP.

[Gaeta]

OP it's over.

 

Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, the problem has been unattended for too long to be salvaged.

 

She is 100% responsible for her cheating, no one put a gun to her head to do it but on the other end you purposely ignored her complains, you took her for granted for 5 years and now you've lost her.

 

Forgive your sister. She loves the both of you and wanted to spare you getting hurt.

 

It really never crossed your mind she would eventually cheat with only a handful of times over 5 years, really!

 

I've been in this woman shoes. I had a partner that didn't want sex for 3 years. I didn't cheat, I left after 3 years but let me tell you, the no intimacy with the man you love is torture, it rips you apart inside, you come to think you are undesirable, it's the most hurtful rejection of all. Your girlfriend probably went through some deep desperate moments before she acted.

[hidden77]

I sit here and read the comments posted and while I don't like what some say every last one of them gets to me. If y'all didn't help me today I would wake up tomorrow in the same boat and still be lost. So thank you all for the help I really needed it.

 

I know she is at fault on the cheating and she has said so.

I know that it's my fault for not getting checked out sooner.

I'm not going to make excuses but everybody's body is different. What is normal for you might not be normal for me.

 

I cheated on a girl once when I was younger and the girl I cheated with cheated on me. At that moment I felt what the girl I cheated on felt and I understood that was the wrong thing to do. I told myself never again.

 

I went years before I even started dating again. When I did start dating again I found the girl that I have.......had now. SO my last 3 g/f's have ended with cheating. I just feel lost and can't keep thinking of "what if".

 

We just had a talk and as of now we are over. God that hurts to say. I stay at her house so for now I am going to the quest bedroom until I can get me a place. Some might not think that's a good idea but it's all I have.

 

As for my sister I have talked with her and she only knew my g/f cheated one time and was just looking out for me. It hurts me to know that she would hide that from me, but it also lets me know that she would do anything to help keep me happy an safe.

[calvincline47]

My g/f told me the other day that she had been seeing one of her co-workers. She said it happened a few months back and that it has stopped. She also said she liked the attention she got form him and that they had sex multiple times. I have not talked to her since that.

She told my sister about it and my sister told her not to tell me because everybody makes a mistake. Now I don't really want to talk to my sister because of that. So I'm looking at losing my g/f and sister over all this.

The kicker is I feel I can't put 100% of the blame on her. Over the past 5 years we have only had sex a few times. I just never felt like having sex. About a month ago we talked about that and I went to the doctor and found out that I have low testosterone and have started taking medicine.

I don't have anyone I can talk with about this because of all the shame I feel.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Just be glad that you didn't marry her.

 

Honestly man, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here.

[Try]

As for my sister I have talked with her and she only knew my g/f cheated one time and was just looking out for me. It hurts me to know that she would hide that from me, but it also lets me know that she would do anything to help keep me happy an safe.

I call bull on your sister looking to keep you "happy and safe". She showed that she thought that it was more important to her that she keep your girlfriend in her life as a friend, then to let you know that your girlfriend was cheating on you. By your sister not telling you, she had a part in allowing the affair to continue, and for the relationship with the other man to get stronger before you found out. Strong enough that when you did find out, she picked the other man over you. How is that making you "happy and safe"? The minute that you sister rationalized not telling you, is the minute that your sister chose sides, and she did not chose your side. If she were my sister, it would take a very long time for me to ever talk to her again, and when I did, I would never fully trust her.

[sandylee1]

In your first post, your gf said the affair stopped a few month ago. Now, her text says she's still seeing him. She's a liar. She's unremorseful and I really don't know how this relationship can be salvaged.

 

I know i said that the lack of sex contributed to this, but her texts are so damn cold. How can she want to save things while still seeing him?

 

She has to end the affair if she wants you, then consider couples counselling.

Sorry for the turmoil you're in.