Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

First time poster. My EA/very slightly PA started a little over two weeks ago with a MM coworker. In those two weeks, I've felt some of the strongest emotions ever in my life, from euphoria to pain. I know everyone says this, but I never had an appreciation for what an AP or WS goes through, thought they were scum, and now here I am.

 

I also can't believe it set in so quickly for me. When he told me about his feelings for me, he wasn't on my radar at all as anything more than a friendly colleague, and I politely extracted myself from the conversation. A day later, he was all that was on my mind, and I decided to engage in this thing after all.

 

Anyway, yesterday afternoon my heart started racing all of a sudden, and I think that the "affair fog" started to part. Not sure if "affair fog" is a term used for APs but I imagine it's similar to what WS feels, that overpowering rush of brain chemicals and hormones.

 

I suddenly felt clear-headed, like I could see how massively screwed up the situation is... and the terrible thing is, I was sad about it. I was sad to see the affair fog go.

 

We have resisted having sex although we want to - just two hugs (which were, ahem, very passionate hugs) and the lightest of kisses. Everyone seems to say that affair sex is the best sex you'll ever have. I resisted it SO hard over the past two weeks and now my desire for it is less... and I feel like maybe I missed my chance to have the best sex I've ever have. And I feel like a sick person for saying that.

 

Yes, I took the high road (well, partially) and now I am actually kind of regretting that decision.

 

Obviously I should be happy that the fog is clearing and that I can get on with my life, but I just wanted to vent to someone out there.

[Josmatjes]

Let me tell you something! Do not miss the fog!! I get why you do, sometimes I do too but your not thinking rationally when you are in it!

I alienated myself from friends and family, I turned down invites, all to be with him.

I'm reestablishing all my friendships again now and I also lost a lot of myself, my values, morals... I will live with what I did to my husband for the rest of my life. I'm realizing just now how much I love him and I really hope you steer clear of this guy.

Also....they ALL lie!! Every single one of them!!

[OldRover]

First time poster. My EA/very slightly PA started a little over two weeks ago with a MM coworker. In those two weeks, I've felt some of the strongest emotions ever in my life, from euphoria to pain. I know everyone says this, but I never had an appreciation for what an AP or WS goes through, thought they were scum, and now here I am.

 

I also can't believe it set in so quickly for me. When he told me about his feelings for me, he wasn't on my radar at all as anything more than a friendly colleague, and I politely extracted myself from the conversation. A day later, he was all that was on my mind, and I decided to engage in this thing after all.

 

Anyway, yesterday afternoon my heart started racing all of a sudden, and I think that the "affair fog" started to part. Not sure if "affair fog" is a term used for APs but I imagine it's similar to what WS feels, that overpowering rush of brain chemicals and hormones.

 

I suddenly felt clear-headed, like I could see how massively screwed up the situation is... and the terrible thing is, I was sad about it. I was sad to see the affair fog go.

 

We have resisted having sex although we want to - just two hugs (which were, ahem, very passionate hugs) and the lightest of kisses. Everyone seems to say that affair sex is the best sex you'll ever have. I resisted it SO hard over the past two weeks and now my desire for it is less... and I feel like maybe I missed my chance to have the best sex I've ever have. And I feel like a sick person for saying that.

 

Yes, I took the high road (well, partially) and now I am actually kind of regretting that decision.

 

Obviously I should be happy that the fog is clearing and that I can get on with my life, but I just wanted to vent to someone out there.

 

lemondrop,

 

I'll probably get a little resistance to what I say, but there "may" be a good reason to go for it. But you should understand that it could get ugly and probably will not be forever.... but could.

 

Yes, it can easily be the best sex you've ever had, and you could have a very satisfying relationship. However, it will come with challenges and problems. You won't be together much, and will often be "hiding" (adding to the excitement). He may or may not leave his wife and even if he does, that will be a difficult time to get through, and success afterward is poor.

 

I went thru just that. I was the MM and my OW approached me as we both new I was soon to be single. The sex was outstanding, and we had the greatest of times. We were fortunate and able to see each other a lot... several times a week and at least one overnight per week, with a had full of 2 to 5 day trips together. I was an experience that I'm glad I had at the time and would do it again, under the circumstances.

 

However, there had been doubt as to how long we would last. We had a few major differences that never got solved and ended up apart, and probably happier, with a wonderful memory.

 

BUT, it's very hard to predict how things will go and could be devastating... costing you both a friendship and a job. So be careful what you choose.

[minimariah]

Everyone seems to say that affair sex is the best sex you'll ever have.

 

i can assure you that an affair does not necessarily mean the best sex EVER -- it's usually the best sex because the WS doesn't have great sex life with the spouse (i remember a friend of mine, a MM, telling me how he had the BEST sex ever because they did deepthroat & anal = i was shocked because that's a norm to me; in other words, when you don't get any - everything seems like an amazing sex) + the intense feelings and emotional connection that's missing from the marriage & the fact that you're doing something forbidden can be highly erotic (especially for men who often have sex with both AP & spouse at the same time -- that is SUPER erotic to many).

 

all of that being said - plenty of chance for you to get the "best sex of your life". allow yourself to explore with someone who is free to do so without any additional drama.

 

a man being married/single/attached - it literally has nothing to do with sex being awesome; you'll learn that with more experience.

Edited May 8, 2015 by minimariah

[lemondrop21]

@Josmatjes - this is good feedback, you're right that I already am alienating myself from friends and family in just these couple of weeks, and that needs to stop. I'm going to make an effort to reconnect. I also know in my heart that what you're saying is probably true, that he is probably lying or at the very least, withholding information from me.

 

@Rover - this is an interesting perspective and I think it was brave of you to post it, thank you. I suppose there are a couple of different ways to look at these situations: in a black and white way where it's morally wrong, or, in a "grayer," more nuanced way. Since I'm so new to all of this, I'm not sure which perspective I'll take in the end. I am glad that you seem at peace with the time you spent with your AP and the fact that you're now apart. I hope your AP also feels the same.

 

I do take your point about losing my job, and that is something I need to consider seriously since I relocated for the job.

[coryreply]

Hi Lemon. Welcome, and thanks for your post.

 

I understand where you're coming from in this. The emotional withdraw can't be easy. There is something better for you than an A with a MM. This kind of stuff bogs you down in life. It's far more painful than it is fulfilling in the long run.

 

Blessings to you.

[sandylee1]

I've experienced great sex and it's never been as part of an affair. I understand the high of a new relationship and maybe that's what you were feeling.

[Southern Sun]

I've skipped reading the replies because I feel like I need to get to you NOW.

 

First, I've read that the people who are most dangerous and seductive to us are not the ones that WE notice...they are the ones that notice us. That is called falling victim to pure flattery. It makes us feel good. What, you like little old me? When someone notices us, it gets to our most basic human emotional needs of feeling desired and wanted. Note that you had no interest in him until he expressed an interest in you. This is why. It may feel very vain and simple but is just true.

 

Secondly, if you can stop this now before having sex, you will be SO much better off. Sex will bond you biologically and chemically, it's just the way things work. You will have a far harder time getting over this when it ends...and it will end. It's just a matter of time.

 

Lastly, messing around at work is a recipe for disaster. As mentioned above, all things come to an end. I can't recall if you said this person is married, but I am assuming he is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting in this section. Therefore when it ends, it is likely to be ugly. And then you will have to work with him and see him every day. The pain, the torture...you have no idea what you're in for. It could get even worse, you could lose your job, money. Really, you have no idea of the consequences.

 

Forget the feelings. They will pass if you don't focus on them. They are a rabbit hole to misery.

[lemondrop21]

Thank you, Southern, your message was jarring and I needed to hear it.

[Quiet Storm]

Just think of the fog like a hard drug. It feels good but is not good for you at all. Chasing that high is weak & self destructive. Allow your logic & intellect to drive your choices.

 

Also, when a guy is looking to cheat, he'll plant many seeds to see which one grows. He wasn't even on your radar until he confessed his feelings, but look how that seed started growing in your mind. That happened because you felt flattered by the attention, and felt "special". The harsh truth is that many guys looking to cheat aren't targeting who they feel is most special, they are targeting who they feel is most easy.

 

You already showed him that you are willing to flirt, kiss and hug a married guy- in spite of thinking people like him are the scum of the earth. You need to draw a hard line here or he will keep trying to push those boundaries further because he won't believe you. He knows his charms already worked on you, so now it's just a matter of wearing you down. Be careful you don't fall for it... if you are still in the fog, attention from him will feel like a hit of crack.

[Gargoyle]

Lemondrop,

 

Look at it this way, you dodged an armour piercing bullet, you may have gotten a flesh wound, but the pain of it hitting the mark would be way worse.

 

I think you should be very proud of yourself for stopping before things got worse and you got hurt.

[Popsicle]

First time poster. My EA/very slightly PA started a little over two weeks ago with a MM coworker. In those two weeks, I've felt some of the strongest emotions ever in my life, from euphoria to pain. I know everyone says this, but I never had an appreciation for what an AP or WS goes through, thought they were scum, and now here I am.

 

I also can't believe it set in so quickly for me. When he told me about his feelings for me, he wasn't on my radar at all as anything more than a friendly colleague, and I politely extracted myself from the conversation. A day later, he was all that was on my mind, and I decided to engage in this thing after all.

 

Anyway, yesterday afternoon my heart started racing all of a sudden, and I think that the "affair fog" started to part. Not sure if "affair fog" is a term used for APs but I imagine it's similar to what WS feels, that overpowering rush of brain chemicals and hormones.

 

I suddenly felt clear-headed, like I could see how massively screwed up the situation is... and the terrible thing is, I was sad about it. I was sad to see the affair fog go.

 

We have resisted having sex although we want to - just two hugs (which were, ahem, very passionate hugs) and the lightest of kisses. Everyone seems to say that affair sex is the best sex you'll ever have. I resisted it SO hard over the past two weeks and now my desire for it is less... and I feel like maybe I missed my chance to have the best sex I've ever have. And I feel like a sick person for saying that.

 

Yes, I took the high road (well, partially) and now I am actually kind of regretting that decision.

 

Obviously I should be happy that the fog is clearing and that I can get on with my life, but I just wanted to vent to someone out there.

 

Are you married?

 

lemondrop,

 

I'll probably get a little resistance to what I say, but there "may" be a good reason to go for it. But you should understand that it could get ugly and probably will not be forever.... but could.

 

Yes, it can easily be the best sex you've ever had, and you could have a very satisfying relationship. However, it will come with challenges and problems. You won't be together much, and will often be "hiding" (adding to the excitement). He may or may not leave his wife and even if he does, that will be a difficult time to get through, and success afterward is poor.

 

I went thru just that. I was the MM and my OW approached me as we both new I was soon to be single. The sex was outstanding, and we had the greatest of times. We were fortunate and able to see each other a lot... several times a week and at least one overnight per week, with a had full of 2 to 5 day trips together. I was an experience that I'm glad I had at the time and would do it again, under the circumstances.

 

However, there had been doubt as to how long we would last. We had a few major differences that never got solved and ended up apart, and probably happier, with a wonderful memory.

 

BUT, it's very hard to predict how things will go and could be devastating... costing you both a friendship and a job. So be careful what you choose.

 

 

And are you still married (meaning, not divorced yet)?

[Popsicle]

I've skipped reading the replies because I feel like I need to get to you NOW.

 

First, I've read that the people who are most dangerous and seductive to us are not the ones that WE notice...they are the ones that notice us. That is called falling victim to pure flattery. It makes us feel good. What, you like little old me? When someone notices us, it gets to our most basic human emotional needs of feeling desired and wanted. Note that you had no interest in him until he expressed an interest in you. This is why. It may feel very vain and simple but is just true.

 

Secondly, if you can stop this now before having sex, you will be SO much better off. Sex will bond you biologically and chemically, it's just the way things work. You will have a far harder time getting over this when it ends...and it will end. It's just a matter of time.

 

Lastly, messing around at work is a recipe for disaster. As mentioned above, all things come to an end. I can't recall if you said this person is married, but I am assuming he is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting in this section. Therefore when it ends, it is likely to be ugly. And then you will have to work with him and see him every day. The pain, the torture...you have no idea what you're in for. It could get even worse, you could lose your job, money. Really, you have no idea of the consequences.

 

Forget the feelings. They will pass if you don't focus on them. They are a rabbit hole to misery.

 

I'd also like to add to not just stop the sex, but also anything else that you can't share with his wife like sharing of feelings, and maybe even talking and hanging out,. Not because of the wife, but because those things add to the feeling that you are hooked on and want to stop (what you call the fog). Sex is not required. Just a word of caution.

[coryreply]

I'd also like to add to not just stop the sex, but also anything else that you can't share with his wife like sharing of feelings, and maybe even talking and hanging out,. Not because of the wife, but because those things add to the feeling that you are hooked on and want to stop (what you call the fog). Sex is not required. Just a word of caution.

 

Absolutely right!

[spanz1]

of course you miss it. it was a real thrill.

 

 

the challenge for you now is to try to stimulate that same "affair fog" feeling of being madly in love with your actual spouse!

[lemondrop21]

I'm not married, but was in a five year relationship that just ended (no children). The relationship had been rocky for many months, mainly due to the fact that I wasn't sure I wanted to go ahead with getting married to my (now ex) boyfriend, for a variety of reasons related to incompatibility (all of this was pre-MM). But he did want to get engaged, so I was under a lot of pressure. This was part of what made me so vulnerable to MM.

 

I do think that this short-lived affair underscored the fact that I was unhappy in my relationship - even though I of course have no proof that MM would have offered me more happiness in a real relationship (probably wouldn't have). But the existence of such a strong fantasy life that I created in my mind, was really powerful and jarring to me.

 

I think (hope) that I'm in an ok place right now. I'm trying to work through my breakup with my boyfriend and so I'm focusing less on MM. I am genuinely sad about my breakup even though I think it was the right decision.

 

I'm also realizing how much sadness any married person would have to go through during a divorce, even if it was the right decision for them, and even if they were trying to leave in order to be with their AP. There is a natural grief process, which would be even worse if it was a marriage ending (rather than just a long term relationship) and if there were children involved. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense that post-divorce relationships with APs generally do not work out. I can't imagine trying to put on a happy face right now in order to be with MM or anyone, as I'm working through the grief from my breakup.

 

And by the way, MM and I still have not had sex, although we have not gone to NC. I think that between my breakup, and him and his wife both being in IC and I'm guessing probably starting MC soon, NC will only be a matter of time.

[Friskyone4u]

Affair sex is great because of the added excitement of the illicit. Believe me, you can find a man who can provide you with that . It sounds like you are not married. I hope not.

You uprooted your life to move for a job. Well, guess what usually happens if he affair gets discovered and exposed in the worklplace by his wife . Is that worth a few orgasms that you can have.

Don't fall for this crapnabout the best sex you have ever had . If you are smart you will shut this guy down before you head any further down this slope you are on . Men have been trying to get in your pants since puberty. You know how to stop it.

[OldRover]

Are you married?

 

 

 

 

And are you still married (meaning, not divorced yet)?

 

 

No, divorced long time ago.

[OldRover]

I've skipped reading the replies because I feel like I need to get to you NOW.

 

First, I've read that the people who are most dangerous and seductive to us are not the ones that WE notice...they are the ones that notice us. That is called falling victim to pure flattery. It makes us feel good. What, you like little old me? When someone notices us, it gets to our most basic human emotional needs of feeling desired and wanted. Note that you had no interest in him until he expressed an interest in you. This is why. It may feel very vain and simple but is just true.

 

Secondly, if you can stop this now before having sex, you will be SO much better off. Sex will bond you biologically and chemically, it's just the way things work. You will have a far harder time getting over this when it ends...and it will end. It's just a matter of time.

 

Lastly, messing around at work is a recipe for disaster. As mentioned above, all things come to an end. I can't recall if you said this person is married, but I am assuming he is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting in this section. Therefore when it ends, it is likely to be ugly. And then you will have to work with him and see him every day. The pain, the torture...you have no idea what you're in for. It could get even worse, you could lose your job, money. Really, you have no idea of the consequences.

 

Forget the feelings. They will pass if you don't focus on them. They are a rabbit hole to misery.

 

Your post is good, but there is no chemical or biological bonding... just emotional bonding, but that can be a problem, too, and if one is all ready attracted it can lead to love. I suppose it's biological if you make a baby..... otherwise a great post. There IS a lot to loose. And I'm sure the OP has a pretty good idea of the goods and bads, she is not clueless.

[whichwayisup]

And by the way, MM and I still have not had sex,

 

Good. Keep it that way.

 

As you said he's focusing on fixing his marriage, going to counseling on his own and with his wife. Having sex with him will only mess you up and make things worse.

[Confused48]

It is possible you will have great sex with this guy. However more likely is that you will be caught up in the emotional high of an affair and experience something that is exhilarating but not great sex.

 

Great sex comes from physical compatibility, experience, technical skills, a mutual desire to satisfy each other. It also doesn't hurt if you have a partner you are very familiar with that you have communicated your needs well with over a period of time. Sure, sometimes random strangers can also be good sex partners but it is not more likely and possibly less likely than with a long term partner.

 

I recall one poster here saying the affair sex was, "Amazing and spiritual!" Then post affair she realized that, as amazing as it was, she had never climaxed. That sex with her BH was at least in some respects, far better.

 

If great sex is something of interest to you, I would recommend exploring that with a long term committed partner. I think it more likely that you will find it there. That is not to diminish the emotional high you might get from an affair. Or a ONS.

[lemondrop21]

To recap - MM and I started an affair two months ago. The first month was incredibly intense feelings, matching those of "limerence" as I've read about. The high was insane.

 

We did not have sex but gradually pushed closer and closer towards it. After maybe 4 or 5 weeks he was convinced he was going to leave his wife because they are so incompatible (according to him). He was in IC, which he started about 2 weeks after things started with me (yes, it all moved quite fast).

 

He went out of town on a business trip two weeks ago, saw the way his four year old daughter reacted after he'd been gone for a week, and decided there was no way he could separate from his wife and leave his kids. He told me this once he got back, and we ended things during that conversation. I was the one who literally walked away, but he also suggested during the conversation that we shouldn't continue as it couldn't end well.

 

We were NC for 5 days (I resisted a couple texts from him) and I went on a weekend getaway, during which I ruined NC by texting him. Pathetic.

 

Then I got back yesterday, and we finally had sex after I had held out for so long. For awhile I said I would wait until he and his wife had separated, and he respected that. Then, the NC was supposed to end things since he will not separate from her. I suppose I had sex with him in a desperate attempt to pull him back in or change his mind or something.

 

Of course, the sex wasn't even mindblowing for me. It was good mind you, but not at the level it would have been if the "fantasy life" had still been in place.

 

So now I'm wallowing around in hell and just thought I'd throw this out there and vent a bit. Thank you all for your support and for sharing your own stories, it really is a big help to me to know I'm not the only one going through this.

[Babs22]

At least you realized why you had sex with him. Glad the sex wasn't mind blowing, that would make it even harder to walk away. We all make mistakes, I've made some doozies. I do think it will be easier to walk away now, after two months, than getting entrenched in an affair with a man who has told you he won't leave his wife/kids. Believe him, he means it. Take this from someone who is entrenched in an A, for 2.5 years with a man who has told me he cannot leave his wife (no kids), because "she still cares about him". Yup, that's what he says. Don't ask me why I'm still here. I care about him a lot, but the writing is on the wall. It is up to me to do something about it. I am sure I will be back here for support when I do. You did sleep with him, but at least you didn't waste 2.5 years on him.

[Popsicle]

Totally understand. At least now you know that it wasn't so great for you after realizing the truth of the situation. Just always keep it in the forefront of your mind that he will NEVER leave, so don't fall for any attempts he makes to buy more time. That should help you end things for good and go on with your life.

[OldRover]

Totally understand. At least now you know that it wasn't so great for you after realizing the truth of the situation. Just always keep it in the forefront of your mind that he will NEVER leave, so don't fall for any attempts he makes to buy more time. That should help you end things for good and go on with your life.

 

 

Totally agree...

 

If the situation is where you can't end up with a committed relationship, I could argue strongly against getting closely involved with anyone, let alone the sex which makes it worse.

 

You don't ever want to be "second" when you want a sexual emotional relationship with anyone... IMHO......