Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

Where is the new list? Need help starting off?

 

NL, I took your suggestion, and Midnight, I started off with the points you suggested. Thank you both so much. Here is my modified list so far.

 

Reasons ABOUT ME to stay NC

 

• I will never again be in a relationship where I make him feel better and he makes me feel worse.
  
• I will find someone who lifts me up not brings me down.
  
• Love doesn't hurt. If someone is causing you pain, they do not love you. And guess what, you cannot love someone who causes you only pain. It's not love.
  
• I am fabulous and anyone who doesn't see it or doesn't think I am worth it, can kiss my ass.
  
• Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
  
• Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the “arrangement."
  
• I could lose my job if someone found out.
  
• I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
  
• I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
  
• I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
  
• I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
  
• What I am mourning is a FANTASY, not a whole relationship. There is no need to keep chasing a fantasy, or mourning someone who couldn’t give me a reality.
  
• Once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
  
• I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
  
• I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
  
• I can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch. I am sexy, I like sex, and I want to be with someone who I can have sex with all night long.
  
• I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman. It’s time to stop the pain.
  
• Eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
  
• I deserve someone who I can spend evenings and weekends with and call whenever I want.
  

[lemondrop21]

Right, so we were back at work today (we work Sundays in my current of the world). Friday and Saturday were NC Day 1 and 2 but to be honest, we almost never talk on weekends anyway so it didn't feel that dramatic.

 

Today ended up being what I will call an "Almost-LC Day 1" and I actually felt like it was progress. I know that true NC would have been ideal, but I am still happy with this since we work together. We had a brief conversation in person and that was it. No texting. No IMs. No emails. No flirtation. Nothing was re-started. There was no hint of re-starting. This is progress, people.

 

I did ask him if this weekend was hard for him and he said "yes" and I could tell he REALLY meant it. It actually made me feel better to see the pain in his eyes. I know that soon I have to cut this crap entirely and not say things like that, but today, it made me feel better.

 

It's really starting to sink in though, that this is painfully different from the other breakups. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to the way things were. I just couldn't. It would completely destroy me, now that he told me about how he was thinking about our future together for months etc.

 

Why did I accept so little for so long? Also, why did it take so long for me to ask all the questions I wanted to ask him, in a direct way that at least resolved the situation? Did I really need occasional sex, hugs in the bathroom at work, and some texting/IMing, THAT badly? Did I really need 6 months of therapy to get to this point? Why was I SO weak? Why did I let this man do this to me for so long? I deserve so much more!

[NewLeaf512]

 

2. Intermittent reinforcement. Remember the mice in those lab experiments? If they hit a level and always got food, they ate when they wanted to and left it alone when full. If they never got food, they gave up. But if SOMETIMES they got a crumb, they were rewarded for their efforts and maybe if they kept at the level, another crumb would come...and yep, another crumb!

 

 

And ever notice how if you pull back or are busy they reach out, just to make sure you are on the hook? MM would every day send an email that literally said, "just checking in! hope you are having a great day" And if I didn't respond, eventually I'd get a bigger crumb "I love you sweetie".

 

They kept the hope alive as a form of manipulation. But once they are really done with you because you are now too much trouble, the fun is over, now they have ugh, a wive and a girlfriend, they cut you off justlikethat.

 

And you think, how did they change so fast? But they didn't. They were always an a*shole, you just were in the fog of manipulation.

 

You probably don't believe me now, you think yours is different, that his sad story is different. Who gives a sh*t? Care only about yourself. Because honey, no one else is.

 

The is actually the core of it. We sit at a slot machine of MM, feeding it love, attention, time, money, sex, our silence, our dignity, our common sense and occasionally out pops a payout. But never the jackpot. If we just keep putting in, eventually, we will hit the jackpot.

 

Soon we run out of the currency of love that we have relentlessly and tirelessly been putting in. We need care and support and you get nothing. Crying from exhaustion and desperation to be loved, recognised and validated we beg and bargain and plead and try to rationalise and MAKE THEM SEE.

 

What they see is a broken, pathetic, moaning, needy, weeping, pitiful "addict" who isn't a bright shiny coin for the machine anymore. They are disgusted by us, we are just another nagging drain to them now. They chuck us away, sometimes hard and forever and sometimes with a small payout of hope in case we become flush with relationship cash again at a time when their MM machine is empty.

 

Once you cross the line from being a circus ride to a real living person with needs about 90% of the time that is the moment when you become an annoyance and complication that must be gotten rid of.

 

Don't be fooled.

 

You are young and smart and beautiful with your whole life ahead. Don't waste it on an old, emotional basket case who will never be half the person you are.

[lemondrop21]

The is actually the core of it. We sit at a slot machine of MM, feeding it love, attention, time, money, sex, our silence, our dignity, our common sense and occasionally out pops a payout. But never the jackpot. If we just keep putting in, eventually, we will hit the jackpot.

 

Soon we run out of the currency of love that we have relentlessly and tirelessly been putting in. We need care and support and you get nothing. Crying from exhaustion and desperation to be loved, recognised and validated we beg and bargain and plead and try to rationalise and MAKE THEM SEE.

 

What they see is a broken, pathetic, moaning, needy, weeping, pitiful "addict" who isn't a bright shiny coin for the machine anymore. They are disgusted by us, we are just another nagging drain to them now. They chuck us away, sometimes hard and forever and sometimes with a small payout of hope in case we become flush with relationship cash again at a time when their MM machine is empty.

 

Once you cross the line from being a circus ride to a real living person with needs about 90% of the time that is the moment when you become an annoyance and complication that must be gotten rid of.

 

Don't be fooled.

 

You are young and smart and beautiful with your whole life ahead. Don't waste it on an old, emotional basket case who will never be half the person you are.

 

Wow, that was really powerful. Thank you, LD. You and midnight have taken so much time these past couple days to write some really heartfelt things on my thread that I badly need to hear and internalize. I truly appreciate it.

[minimariah]

Lemon, how is your dating life going? do you have any dates planned?

[lemondrop21]

Lemon, how is your dating life going? do you have any dates planned?

 

I went on two dates last week. Had planned them before I realized it would be breakup week for MM and I. So I went on them anyway. I was still in shock so I was able to get through them, but it was rough, I'm not gonna lie.

 

I don't think I would have gone on another date with either of them even in the absence of the MM drama. That said, I know I have blinders on to some degree and will need to work on removing them.

[minimariah]

That said, I know I have blinders on to some degree and will need to work on removing them.

 

that's okay - take your time.

 

do you have any kind of party plans in the future...? i'm asking because it might be good to just meet new people. they don't have to be men, you can just hang out and meet some friends?

 

of course, do only stuff you're comfortable with.

and of course the MM is in pain... i'm sure he had strong feelings for you and i'm sure you meant a lot to him. i'm sure it's hard on both of you. take it one day at a time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow, that was really powerful. Thank you, LD. You and midnight have taken so much time these past couple days to write some really heartfelt things on my thread that I badly need to hear and internalize. I truly appreciate it.

 

It helps me to write it out as well. Plus, don't forget, yes, I ended it but he accepted it easily and cut me out 100% effortlessly. Believe me, it hurts but at one month out it hurts less than it did at day one. I'll see him again in 2 days and it will hurt. I plan to act differently though. The last month, I acted fine and made small talk to show him I was fine and I could be friends. But it seemed to make me feel worse. Once again, he was leaving happy and I was leaving feeling terrible. So I am going to ignore him, not make eye contact at all. I have a lot of guy friends. MM was actually never my friend back then and I don't want him as a friend now.

 

When you are in hell, keep going.

[Lovetoohard]

I think it's especially hard when you have a meaningful friendship with MM and he is hurting but unwilling/unable to be fair to his W, you and his kids by making a change in his life. I really wish I didn't have either of those things because I would've moved on faster. That said, regardless of how much pain your MM is in and dealing with the collateral damage of a friendship lost, it's your future at stake, Lemon. You are in a powerful position to shape your future life, he isn't. He chose status quo. His choice, his life. You are not going to be his happy escape anymore. You are worth more.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[lemondrop21]

that's okay - take your time.

 

do you have any kind of party plans in the future...? i'm asking because it might be good to just meet new people. they don't have to be men, you can just hang out and meet some friends?

 

of course, do only stuff you're comfortable with.

and of course the MM is in pain... i'm sure he had strong feelings for you and i'm sure you meant a lot to him. i'm sure it's hard on both of you. take it one day at a time.

 

Yes! I share a house with another woman and she's hosting a big barbecue on Friday, 60+ people. So that will keep me plenty busy .

 

I've actually been doing alright with not isolating myself, I have some girlfriends who I see consistently. Two of them know about the affair and have been offering support these past couple weeks. Of course I want to be alone more than usual, but if I compare it to when I was actually depressed (clinically) some years ago... There is just no comparison. I am in such a better place to deal with this now, thank goodness!

[NewLeaf512]

Right, so we were back at work today (we work Sundays in my current of the world). Friday and Saturday were NC Day 1 and 2 but to be honest, we almost never talk on weekends anyway so it didn't feel that dramatic.

 

Today ended up being what I will call an "Almost-LC Day 1" and I actually felt like it was progress. I know that true NC would have been ideal, but I am still happy with this since we work together. We had a brief conversation in person and that was it. No texting. No IMs. No emails. No flirtation. Nothing was re-started. There was no hint of re-starting. This is progress, people.

 

I did ask him if this weekend was hard for him and he said "yes" and I could tell he REALLY meant it. It actually made me feel better to see the pain in his eyes. I know that soon I have to cut this crap entirely and not say things like that, but today, it made me feel better.

 

It's really starting to sink in though, that this is painfully different from the other breakups. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to the way things were. I just couldn't. It would completely destroy me, now that he told me about how he was thinking about our future together for months etc.

 

Why did I accept so little for so long? Also, why did it take so long for me to ask all the questions I wanted to ask him, in a direct way that at least resolved the situation? Did I really need occasional sex, hugs in the bathroom at work, and some texting/IMing, THAT badly? Did I really need 6 months of therapy to get to this point? Why was I SO weak? Why did I let this man do this to me for so long? I deserve so much more!

 

I once heard an expression "progress not perfection" so this is a start. The bad bit was the personal question about the A. Think of it as a relative that died. Would you ask someone "is grieving for your dead relative difficult?" No. It's none of your business now like he doesn't have the right to ask you.

 

NL x

[lemondrop21]

I once heard an expression "progress not perfection" so this is a start. The bad bit was the personal question about the A. Think of it as a relative that died. Would you ask someone "is grieving for your dead relative difficult?" No. It's none of your business now like he doesn't have the right to ask you.

 

NL x

 

Yes, you're right, and that's a good suggestion to think of it as thought a relative died.

 

Just about to the end of LC Day 2, an hour till work is done. Less contact today than yesterday, we spoke all of 2 sentences to each other. I'm sure he can see the pain in my eyes but I don't really care. Eventually it will be gone. One day at a time.

[NewLeaf512]

Yes, you're right, and that's a good suggestion to think of it as thought a relative died.

 

Just about to the end of LC Day 2, an hour till work is done. Less contact today than yesterday, we spoke all of 2 sentences to each other. I'm sure he can see the pain in my eyes but I don't really care. Eventually it will be gone. One day at a time.

 

 

It will be gone because you will have moved on in your fabulous life with someone who has waited for you and only you always.

[lemondrop21]

LC on day 3. Complete NC on day 4. Day 5... We had a conversation and I can't say it was LC. Talked about the relationship and how we CAN'T restart it for all the reasons that we've already been over... And over...

 

He was a bit flirtatious and it honestly pissed me off. I wish for his sake that he had more resolve than this. On the plus side I am starting to see him for who he really is and I'm disgusted by it. If he really went and "committed to his marriage and kids," I would respect him so much more than I do now. It's only been 2 weeks since we broke up. C'mon.

 

Walked away from the conversation with my head held high, didn't give him hope of restarting things. But I still felt terrible. There was no point to that conversation. Now I see why complete NC is so important.

 

Oh, good news! Found out he is moving offices in a week. He will be three hallways away instead of one as he is now, so it will be harder for us to see each other in passing (though it will inevitably still happen). I'm relieved.

[yodelwithyu]

I think you are a super strong bad ass lady that you can be in this situation and hold yourself together. I can't imagine feeling the way I had felt when we broke up and then having to him him/maintain LC.

 

Xoxo!

[lemondrop21]

I think you are a super strong bad ass lady that you can be in this situation and hold yourself together. I can't imagine feeling the way I had felt when we broke up and then having to him him/maintain LC.

 

Xoxo!

 

Thanks yodel!! But trust me there were a few days early last week where I looked like a zombie, I was soooo devastated and confused about everything, and he saw me like that. But what can you do? I'm getting stronger every day .

[lemondrop21]

Oh my god he just moved offices. I found out last week that this was gonna happen but I thought it wasn't actually happening until next week. By the time I realized what was happening, all his stuff was out of there and nameplate being taken down from the door. He was standing there and our eyes met and I almost started sobbing. I am now sitting at my desk crying. This is so stupid, it's just an office for christ's sake AND it's over anyway. This will be better for my healing since I'm less likely to see him. But it's triggering some kind of weird abandonment thing for me. That combined with the fact that I didn't sleep last night (at all) means that I'm a wreck.

 

It feels like half our A played out in that office and now the door is shut and locked and lights out.

 

I suppose I should take this as a reminder of how sh** the whole situation is... Half of a relationship played out in a bland office. Pathetic. I am so better off without this.

[Forceawakensme]

Oh my god he just moved offices. I found out last week that this was gonna happen but I thought it wasn't actually happening until next week. By the time I realized what was happening, all his stuff was out of there and nameplate being taken down from the door. He was standing there and our eyes met and I almost started sobbing. I am now sitting at my desk crying. This is so stupid, it's just an office for christ's sake AND it's over anyway. This will be better for my healing since I'm less likely to see him. But it's triggering some kind of weird abandonment thing for me. That combined with the fact that I didn't sleep last night (at all) means that I'm a wreck.

 

It feels like half our A played out in that office and now the door is shut and locked and lights out.

 

I suppose I should take this as a reminder of how sh** the whole situation is... Half of a relationship played out in a bland office. Pathetic. I am so better off without this.

 

You ARE so better off without him. Will write more soon..

 

LD check your email!

[Forceawakensme]

Oh my god he just moved offices. I found out last week that this was gonna happen but I thought it wasn't actually happening until next week. By the time I realized what was happening, all his stuff was out of there and nameplate being taken down from the door. He was standing there and our eyes met and I almost started sobbing. I am now sitting at my desk crying. This is so stupid, it's just an office for christ's sake AND it's over anyway. This will be better for my healing since I'm less likely to see him. But it's triggering some kind of weird abandonment thing for me. That combined with the fact that I didn't sleep last night (at all) means that I'm a wreck.

 

It feels like half our A played out in that office and now the door is shut and locked and lights out.

 

I suppose I should take this as a reminder of how sh** the whole situation is... Half of a relationship played out in a bland office. Pathetic. I am so better off without this.

 

ok so honey, you KNOW this is for the best, but of course its bound to hurt. YOur bandaid is being ripped off slowly but you just felt a little more of it rip..

 

I can relate to feelings of abandonment. I feel rejected by my MM even though it makes ZERO sense...the reason he has to reject me is because hes married! -- Our feelings dont make sense... they just are. This pain will pass.. Not today.

 

Good for you for crying it out -- Dont let him see it though:). Go to the office bathroom, splash water on your face and get through today. Tomorrow WILL be better.. YOu need a good night's sleep. The shock of this sudden change is going to wear off a bit by tomorrow.

[Lovetoohard]

Oh my god he just moved offices. I found out last week that this was gonna happen but I thought it wasn't actually happening until next week. By the time I realized what was happening, all his stuff was out of there and nameplate being taken down from the door. He was standing there and our eyes met and I almost started sobbing. I am now sitting at my desk crying. This is so stupid, it's just an office for christ's sake AND it's over anyway. This will be better for my healing since I'm less likely to see him. But it's triggering some kind of weird abandonment thing for me. That combined with the fact that I didn't sleep last night (at all) means that I'm a wreck.

 

It feels like half our A played out in that office and now the door is shut and locked and lights out.

 

I suppose I should take this as a reminder of how sh** the whole situation is... Half of a relationship played out in a bland office. Pathetic. I am so better off without this.

 

It's not stupid. I can relate. The office is where you met and fell for each other. My last day at work, as I stood looking at my empty office, it was hard to believe that over the course of a year, we had shared so much there - laughter, happiness, philosophical conversations, the news headlines of the day, making lunch, after work or weekend plans, work related venting and pep talks and sometimes sneaking in kisses. It really saddened me. It's like it was time for our curtain call and time for the end. Dont think of this as abandonment. Think of it as leaving behind an unhealthy R and getting back onto the path that leads you to a safe, secure and fulfilling future.

 

Cry it out. Get some sleep. Eat something healthy. Go for a long walk or run. Talk to a girlfriend. In the coming days, the physical space from your XMM will help move you along faster.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[lemondrop21]

@Force I got your email and I sent you a message on Whatsapp. At least, I hope it's you. At first I forgot to add the country code and messaged a weirdo guy here in my country, ha.

 

Alright, so here is my update:

 

Wednesday morning, I'm feeling emotional. I freak out and call him on his office phone. If he was going NC on me I just wanted to know. At least that's what I told myself. We hadn't spoken in 5 days.

 

He was obviously happy to hear from me. We switched over to the work chat program and he sent me a flirty message. I ignored it at first. Around lunchtime, I responded.

 

Within about 5 minutes, we are both driving to my house to have sex. It was everything you would expect after 7 weeks of refraining; frantic, passionate, too quick. We lay there afterward for 20 minutes or so just holding each other. We both wanted not to feel bad about it but obviously you can't escape the guilt.

 

The worst part about later that day was telling my therapist what happened. I honestly didn't feel guilt at that point about the sex itself. After 3 weeks of despair, all I felt was relief.

 

Next morning, MM started "the conversation" that part of me had wanted to avoid for a few days. About how we can't go back to the way things were before. And then, he drops this bomb...

 

"Aside from yesterday, I've spent the past 3 weeks really trying to put my marriage and family first, and things are starting to get back on track with me and w."

 

This was over chat; I immediately asked him to meet up with me in person. I stared at him for minute. "What are you doing??" I asked him. He had no answer. "If this is some kind of sex addiction, then get help please," I said. I was not gentle.

 

That conversation flipped my entire mentality. This man ended his affair with no D-Day, was working to save his marriage, felt that they were making progress and yet still threw that out the window with a five-minute impulsive decision (I realize I played my part, but this is about how I view him).

 

I have spent the past weekend feeling disgusted; with him, with the situation and with myself. The full impact of what we have done to BW really hit me, even though she doesn't know. I felt more empathy for BW than I have at any other point during the affair. He is home treating her like gold, "working on their marriage," but it's bulls**t if he's still willing to sleep with me.

I no longer want any part in this. I know that I will continue to experience mixed emotions over time, but this weekend has brought me much more clarity and peace for the time being. I've been working on my NC letter and will deliver it at work sometime this week (I expect he'll keep his distance for at least the next several days).

 

I am 99% sure that I no longer would want a future with him even if his marriage ultimately failed. I actually want his marriage to work and for his family to end up happy. In no way do I want to be fighting for a man in a salvageable marriage.

Edited February 7, 2016 by lemondrop21

[MidnightBlue1980]

@Force I got your email and I sent you a message on Whatsapp. At least, I hope it's you. At first I forgot to add the country code and messaged a weirdo guy here in my country, ha.

 

Alright, so here is my update...

 

MM moved office last Monday. Tuesday we still didn't talk. So, zero communication between us in 5 days, though of course we would pass in the hallway at work.

 

After he moved offices, he didn't turn his work chat program back on. I assumed this behavior was to deter me from contacting him, and it hurt.

 

Wednesday morning, I'm feeling emotional. I freak out and call him on his office phone. If he was going NC on me I just wanted to know. At least that's what I told myself.

 

He was obviously happy to hear from me. We switched over to the work chat program and he sent me a flirty message. I ignored it at first. Around lunchtime, I responded.

 

Within about 5 minutes, we are both driving to my house to have sex. It was everything you would expect after 7 weeks of refraining; frantic, passionate, too quick. We lay there afterward for 20 minutes or so just holding each other. We both wanted not to feel bad about it but obviously you can't escape the guilt.

 

The worst part about later that day was telling my therapist what happened. I honestly didn't feel guilt at that point about the sex itself. After 3 weeks of despair, all I felt was relief.

 

Next morning, MM started "the conversation" that part of me had wanted to avoid for a few days. About how we can't go back to the way things were before. And then, he drops this bomb...

 

"Aside from yesterday, I've spent the past 3 weeks really trying to put my marriage and family first, and things are starting to get back on track with me and w."

 

This was over chat; I immediately asked him to meet up with me in person. I stared at him for minute. "What are you doing??" I asked him. He had no answer. "If this is some kind of sex addiction, then get help please," I said. I was not gentle.

 

That conversation flipped my entire mentality. This man ended his affair with no D-Day, was working to save his marriage, felt that they were making progress and yet still threw that out the window with a five-minute impulsive decision (I realize I played my part, but this is about how I view him).

 

I have spent the past weekend feeling disgusted; with him, with the situation and with myself. The full impact of what we have done to BW really hit me, even though she doesn't know. I felt more empathy for BW than I have at any other point during the affair. He is home treating her like gold, "working on their marriage," but it's bulls**t if he's still willing to sleep with me.

I no longer want any part in this. I know that I will continue to experience mixed emotions over time, but this weekend has brought me much more clarity and peace for the time being. I've been working on my NC letter and will deliver it at work sometime this week (I expect he'll keep his distance for at least the next several days).

 

I am 99% sure that I no longer would want a future with him even if his marriage ultimately failed. I actually want his marriage to work and for his family to end up happy. In no way do I want to be fighting for a man in a salvageable marriage.

 

OK. Here is my 2 cents. You do not need to write a NC letter. Take this piece of advice from someone who has written a lot of emails to xMM about how we should not be doing this anymore. You do not need to have that last drink. Just stop right now, this second. Think like a man does. I did not get any NC letter from xMM. It will make you look weak. Don't do it. You will regret it.

 

As for the sex and everything, it's done, you scratched the itch. You are in the power feeling - hold on to it. If you write a letter with all your feelings, you hand your power to him. Just trust me on this. The guy is a mess, let him sort his stuff out. I know you like/love him, whatever. Protect yourself. Back away. JMHO

[lemondrop21]

OK. Here is my 2 cents. You do not need to write a NC letter. Take this piece of advice from someone who has written a lot of emails to xMM about how we should not be doing this anymore. You do not need to have that last drink. Just stop right now, this second. Think like a man does. I did not get any NC letter from xMM. It will make you look weak. Don't do it. You will regret it.

 

As for the sex and everything, it's done, you scratched the itch. You are in the power feeling - hold on to it. If you write a letter with all your feelings, you hand your power to him. Just trust me on this. The guy is a mess, let him sort his stuff out. I know you like/love him, whatever. Protect yourself. Back away. JMHO

 

You're probably right. I haven't sent the letter yet and no contact has been made on either end. I'll sit on it a bit and see how I feel about it.

[whichwayisup]

Just go NC, you owe him nothing. You both had a weak moment, you both are to blame equally. He opened the door by flirting and you took the bait. The rest you both put the effort it to make 'it' happen again. Make that the last time and make yourself accountable.

 

That conversation flipped my entire mentality. This man ended his affair with no D-Day, was working to save his marriage, felt that they were making progress and yet still threw that out the window with a five-minute impulsive decision (I realize I played my part, but this is about how I view him).

 

Stop focusing on how easily he ran back into bed with you and focus more on why YOU after so many weeks of staying away from him, let it happen again. It does not matter his reasons, what counts are YOUR reasons and work on how to be stronger and not fall for his fishing. One day he will fish again! And hopefully you'll be strong enough to tell him to F OFF.

 

Delete him off the work messenger, or block him if you can.

[whichwayisup]

NL, I took your suggestion, and Midnight, I started off with the points you suggested. Thank you both so much. Here is my modified list so far.

 

Reasons ABOUT ME to stay NC

 

• I will never again be in a relationship where I make him feel better and he makes me feel worse.
  
• I will find someone who lifts me up not brings me down.
  
• Love doesn't hurt. If someone is causing you pain, they do not love you. And guess what, you cannot love someone who causes you only pain. It's not love.
  
• I am fabulous and anyone who doesn't see it or doesn't think I am worth it, can kiss my ass.
  
• Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
  
• Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the “arrangement."
  
• I could lose my job if someone found out.
  
• I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
  
• I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
  
• I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
  
• I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
  
• What I am mourning is a FANTASY, not a whole relationship. There is no need to keep chasing a fantasy, or mourning someone who couldn’t give me a reality.
  
• Once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
  
• I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
  
• I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
  
• I can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch. I am sexy, I like sex, and I want to be with someone who I can have sex with all night long.
  
• I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman. It’s time to stop the pain.
  
• Eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
  
• I deserve someone who I can spend evenings and weekends with and call whenever I want.
  

 

Remember this list!

 

And, go to the coping section and read no foolin's thread guide to NC.