Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Lovetoohard]

If it were me, I'd simply imagine myself with the MM trying to explain to his 4 year old daughter why the marriage counseling with mommy didn't see to be effective.

 

If NC doesn't come easily after lying to a 4 year old, then that's a good sign you're made for each other.

 

 

 

If you really want a solution and the OP began by wanting to get out - then it's necessary to face the reality of what you are engaging in. It's not fair to describe an affair by excluding it's most vulnerable and involuntary participants.

 

The key to cheating is closing your eyes and your mind. That's why it's called a "fog."

 

If you want a reason to exit - then focus on the most vulnerable person involved and pray that you're a person of enough compassion to care about them.

 

Believe me, most OW/OM are cognizant of the innocent parties involved and struggle with that conflict constantly. I think you've described a solution in an oversimplified manner, and while it is brutally true, it'a very one-dimensional and black and white way of thinking. I think it's safe for me to say that most people, pre-affair, would have agreed with you in a heartbeat, but as an OW/OM that's been through the wringer known as an affair, they will have a completely changed perspective. Yes, it is volitional and self inflicted, but human beings are driven by emotions. Very complex emotions. I'm not justifying it, i'm just saying that getting out and NC is not as easy. I guess the best analogy often used is that it's similar to one's brain chemistry being altered after prolonged substance abuse. It takes time, patience, maybe a few relapses, and a lot of support to get past it.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[ladydesigner]

Believe me, most OW/OM are cognizant of the innocent parties involved and struggle with that conflict constantly. I think you've described a solution in an oversimplified manner, and while it is brutally true, it'a very one-dimensional and black and white way of thinking. I think it's safe for me to say that most people, pre-affair, would have agreed with you in a heartbeat, but as an OW/OM that's been through the wringer known as an affair, they will have a completely changed perspective. Yes, it is volitional and self inflicted, but human beings are driven by emotions. Very complex emotions. I'm not justifying it, i'm just saying that getting out and NC is not as easy. I guess the best analogy often used is that it's similar to one's brain chemistry being altered after prolonged substance abuse. It takes time, patience, maybe a few relapses, and a lot of support to get past it.

 

 

This is exactly why I will tell OW/OM who are having a hard time getting over their MP or even WS, that A's are just like an addiction.

 

The way to get away from any addiction is to not expose yourself to what you are addicted to.

[OldRover]

I feel numb and depressed today but have no desire to break NC. What would he even say to me anyway? No matter what would happen, I'd go back to feeling like sh** pretty quickly.

 

I've been doing okay overall. Have been exercising almost every day, which I think really helps.

 

I had two dates over the weekend and one was very intense. He has been a friend for awhile but I think I have been stringing him along a bit. He wants me to make a decision this week about whether we are actually dating, or just friends. I don't think I can be the person he deserves to date right now so it's going to have to stay just friends for the time being.

 

While I feel very down today, I got a few days of positive feelings from the dates. It's nice to be appreciated and pursued by men who are actually single and who recognize that I'm worth a real relationship.

 

Next on the healing agenda will be finding the strength to shut down our private email account. I saw that exMM checked it 4 days ago (looked at the login record on gmail). Gave me a little mental boost, but I know in the long term that's not healthy. Please don't b*tch at me about how it's not real NC... there has been no communication thru the email account and I WILL delete it in time, it's just a step I have to get to. Like when you finally rip up all the photos and throw them in a dumpster, or whatever. Doesn't usually happen on day 2.

 

GreyCloud, you mentioned on another thread about your exMM's old office. Mine is also shut and lights out (he moved to a different area of the building). I still instinctively look towards it every day when I walk in and it makes me a little sad. That said, it helps SO much that he moved away. I almost think that had he not moved offices, we would be back in the A at this stage. We were just too physically close to allow for proper space and healing, when his office was so close to mine.

 

Right now I am hating this process, but am proud of myself for getting to Day 18. It sounds so long.

 

Lemon,

 

I would not break it off with your "intense" friend. But you need to let him know what you've been through and be honest with him. If he stays, he could be a significant help to get this behind you, and if he leaves, probably for the better (but don't let that door stay closed forever).

 

If he does stay and the dating continues, he could be a positive influence on you and you could be the spark that he wants. Don't throw that away. Your chances of success with him aren't much different that just "dating".

 

As for time, you have a good start... and yes, it could still be hard months later. However, you ARE focusing with things that will get you through this.. new activities, new friends, exercise, etc. And it IS a mental game... you need to reprogram your mind, and you will. And you need to get back into the masters program.

 

I went through something very similar and worked out well. Keep us posted.

[lemondrop21]

If it were me, I'd simply imagine myself with the MM trying to explain to his 4 year old daughter why the marriage counseling with mommy didn't see to be effective.

 

If NC doesn't come easily after lying to a 4 year old, then that's a good sign you're made for each other.

 

If you really want a solution and the OP began by wanting to get out - then it's necessary to face the reality of what you are engaging in. It's not fair to describe an affair by excluding it's most vulnerable and involuntary participants.

 

The key to cheating is closing your eyes and your mind. That's why it's called a "fog."

 

If you want a reason to exit - then focus on the most vulnerable person involved and pray that you're a person of enough compassion to care about them.

 

That's not really fair. This is the om/ow forum. We're here to support each other not tear each other down. No woman can make any man cheat.

 

Believe me, most OW/OM are cognizant of the innocent parties involved and struggle with that conflict constantly. I think you've described a solution in an oversimplified manner, and while it is brutally true, it'a very one-dimensional and black and white way of thinking. I think it's safe for me to say that most people, pre-affair, would have agreed with you in a heartbeat, but as an OW/OM that's been through the wringer known as an affair, they will have a completely changed perspective. Yes, it is volitional and self inflicted, but human beings are driven by emotions. Very complex emotions. I'm not justifying it, i'm just saying that getting out and NC is not as easy. I guess the best analogy often used is that it's similar to one's brain chemistry being altered after prolonged substance abuse. It takes time, patience, maybe a few relapses, and a lot of support to get past it.

 

Wow, lots of activity on this thread after being away 2 days. Happy to say I'm on NC day 20.

 

Thank you, lovetoohard and imperfectangel, for your support.

 

@RRM321: I appreciate your perspective but as the others said, it's a bit black and white. That said, both exMM and I ARE trying to be conscious of his children and that was one of the driving forces behind us ending the A. I do use his children as one of many motivating factors to stay NC, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. When it ended, he said it had been getting harder and harder to even look at his 4 year old and not feel guilty over what he had been doing. So yes, it is a factor.

 

He made a mistake in turning to an affair to get his needs met instead of exhausting all efforts at saving his marriage first. I made a mistake in allowing myself to get sucked into it. Trust me and all the other OW/OMs here when we say we DO feel terrible guilt, remorse, and anguish.

 

I assume you are a betrayed spouse. I am very sorry for the pain that you've gone through. Not having been a BS, I can't truly understand your pain, just as you can't truly understand my pain as an "Other" unless you've been through it yourself. WS suffers too... all of us in different ways.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon,

 

I would not break it off with your "intense" friend. But you need to let him know what you've been through and be honest with him. If he stays, he could be a significant help to get this behind you, and if he leaves, probably for the better (but don't let that door stay closed forever).

 

If he does stay and the dating continues, he could be a positive influence on you and you could be the spark that he wants. Don't throw that away. Your chances of success with him aren't much different that just "dating".

 

As for time, you have a good start... and yes, it could still be hard months later. However, you ARE focusing with things that will get you through this.. new activities, new friends, exercise, etc. And it IS a mental game... you need to reprogram your mind, and you will. And you need to get back into the masters program.

 

I went through something very similar and worked out well. Keep us posted.

 

I told my "intense friend" as you call him that we will remain friends for now and then check in in a month or so and see how we both feel. I do appreciate what you say about needing to tell him about the A. I don't want a relationship starting with such a huge secret. That said, I can't imagine actually telling him, or him reacting in an accepting way. I can't say I would have accepted it, either, pre-A... no one knows what it's like to be in these things when it's never happened to them before.

 

For now I'm going to work on being a good friend, something I definitely was not during the course of the A.

[lemondrop21]

In other news... during my therapy session, I told my therapist that I've gotten stuck on wondering how exMM's marriage was at the beginning. Were they in love back then? Because if he really loved her then, and felt sure about the marriage then, that is something to reach back, hold onto and build from. And in some ways that makes it easier for me to walk away.

 

I told her how I wish I had asked him that question a long time ago. It might have actually helped me walk away earlier. Even back in the height of the "fog," it was easier for me to see through his "fog" than to see through my own, if that makes any sense.

 

Anyway, my therapist said she thinks it's time for me to let go of that question. She said that in couples' therapy, even couples without that foundation are sometimes able to build a foundation together. I've gotta say, if there's one thing I'm thankful for right now, it's that I'm not currently trying to build a foundation with someone who I wasn't in love with when I married him. I get why someone would do it, but it sounds SO tough, and my heart goes out to people in that situation. I want to be in love when I get married.

 

I can't wait till I get to that point with someone new. I can't wait till exMM is just a distant memory. I hate NC, I hate the angst, the anger, the irrationally wanting to contact him for no reason, wanting him to miss me, wanting to text him and meet him halfway between his house and mine and for him to just hold me and tell me it isn't over... I HATE all of this.

 

Honestly, I hate that I'm at Day 20 right now because if it were day 2, it would be so much easier to break NC and feel like this was a normal thing to do. At Day 20 I'd feel like a failure. Failing my therapist, failing everyone on this board and most of all, failing myself.

 

I so want to secretly contact exMM and not tell ANYONE about it. This is SO juvenile. Please, someone, tell me you've had thoughts like this.

 

No, I'm not actually going to do it. That's why I'm writing this crap on this board, and having faith that when everyone tells me it does get better, they actually mean it.

[minimariah]

In other news... during my therapy session, I told my therapist that I've gotten stuck on wondering how exMM's marriage was at the beginning. Were they in love back then? Because if he really loved her then, and felt sure about the marriage then, that is something to reach back, hold onto and build from. And in some ways that makes it easier for me to walk away.

 

I told her how I wish I had asked him that question a long time ago. It might have actually helped me walk away earlier. Even back in the height of the "fog," it was easier for me to see through his "fog" than to see through my own, if that makes any sense.

 

Anyway, my therapist said she thinks it's time for me to let go of that question. She said that in couples' therapy, even couples without that foundation are sometimes able to build a foundation together. I've gotta say, if there's one thing I'm thankful for right now, it's that I'm not currently trying to build a foundation with someone who I wasn't in love with when I married him. I get why someone would do it, but it sounds SO tough, and my heart goes out to people in that situation. I want to be in love when I get married.

 

I can't wait till I get to that point with someone new. I can't wait till exMM is just a distant memory. I hate NC, I hate the angst, the anger, the irrationally wanting to contact him for no reason, wanting him to miss me, wanting to text him and meet him halfway between his house and mine and for him to just hold me and tell me it isn't over... I HATE all of this.

 

Honestly, I hate that I'm at Day 20 right now because if it were day 2, it would be so much easier to break NC and feel like this was a normal thing to do. At Day 20 I'd feel like a failure. Failing my therapist, failing everyone on this board and most of all, failing myself.

 

I so want to secretly contact exMM and not tell ANYONE about it. This is SO juvenile. Please, someone, tell me you've had thoughts like this.

 

No, I'm not actually going to do it. That's why I'm writing this crap on this board, and having faith that when everyone tells me it does get better, they actually mean it.

 

i'll give you an opinion that will MAYBE make it easier on you --

 

from my experience... it's much easier and more often that folks fall in love with someone that they were never in love with before THAN someone they fell out of love with.

 

most people are in love when they get married -- of course, the difference is in the intensity. however, that doesn't have to last.

 

when you fall out of love with someone... it's hard to go back. because you had a taste and it just wasn't good enough to keep you interested. now, when you were never in love with to begin with... that can go two ways: you really won't fall in love because you know that person and are just not interested OR...

 

you actually WILL fall in love once you truly get to know that other person, a side of them you didn't know or weren't interested in.

 

so sometimes, it's almost better when there wasn't love in the beginning... the betrayal is a little less hurtful and you can build from the start -- you can fall in love with someone you look with brand new eyes.

 

much easier to create something new than to awaken something old.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

In other news... during my therapy session, I told my therapist that I've gotten stuck on wondering how exMM's marriage was at the beginning. Were they in love back then? Because if he really loved her then, and felt sure about the marriage then, that is something to reach back, hold onto and build from. And in some ways that makes it easier for me to walk away.

 

I told her how I wish I had asked him that question a long time ago. It might have actually helped me walk away earlier. Even back in the height of the "fog," it was easier for me to see through his "fog" than to see through my own, if that makes any sense.

 

Anyway, my therapist said she thinks it's time for me to let go of that question. She said that in couples' therapy, even couples without that foundation are sometimes able to build a foundation together. I've gotta say, if there's one thing I'm thankful for right now, it's that I'm not currently trying to build a foundation with someone who I wasn't in love with when I married him. I get why someone would do it, but it sounds SO tough, and my heart goes out to people in that situation. I want to be in love when I get married.

 

I can't wait till I get to that point with someone new. I can't wait till exMM is just a distant memory. I hate NC, I hate the angst, the anger, the irrationally wanting to contact him for no reason, wanting him to miss me, wanting to text him and meet him halfway between his house and mine and for him to just hold me and tell me it isn't over... I HATE all of this.

 

Honestly, I hate that I'm at Day 20 right now because if it were day 2, it would be so much easier to break NC and feel like this was a normal thing to do. At Day 20 I'd feel like a failure. Failing my therapist, failing everyone on this board and most of all, failing myself.

 

I so want to secretly contact exMM and not tell ANYONE about it. This is SO juvenile. Please, someone, tell me you've had thoughts like this.

 

No, I'm not actually going to do it. That's why I'm writing this crap on this board, and having faith that when everyone tells me it does get better, they actually mean it.

 

I have thoughts like this all the time, I'm technically 27 days out from the last time I emailed him and it's constantly on my mind. I think of things want to email him about, songs I want him to hear, the things that are on my mind, etc. I just want so badly for him to tell me he misses me. But then I think about it and all that would be is "fix" for my addiction, then the hurt will start all over again.

 

I want so badly to forget he existed and be able to fully move on.

[Outofmysystem]

Lemondrop, know that you are not alone in your thoughts or feelings...all the same things have raced through my mind since she ( xMW )ended it 6 months ago....and technically I've been no contact for the last 45 days. It's tough, especially since I just drove next to her in traffic yesterday on the way to work briefly!...we work right down the street from each other, yea....that's a ****ing mess.....my heart was racing, breathing hard, the whole thing.....but I calmed myself down and went back to the "new" reality of, "I'm not with her anymore" mindset....sometimes the memories and fantasies in our head are so much better than the reality, so I just enjoy it for what it is and then move on....

 

I want her to hurt, and miss and think about me just like you do for MM, it's ok....honestly, they need too....lol

[lemondrop21]

i'll give you an opinion that will MAYBE make it easier on you --

 

from my experience... it's much easier and more often that folks fall in love with someone that they were never in love with before THAN someone they fell out of love with.

 

most people are in love when they get married -- of course, the difference is in the intensity. however, that doesn't have to last.

 

when you fall out of love with someone... it's hard to go back. because you had a taste and it just wasn't good enough to keep you interested. now, when you were never in love with to begin with... that can go two ways: you really won't fall in love because you know that person and are just not interested OR...

 

you actually WILL fall in love once you truly get to know that other person, a side of them you didn't know or weren't interested in.

 

so sometimes, it's almost better when there wasn't love in the beginning... the betrayal is a little less hurtful and you can build from the start -- you can fall in love with someone you look with brand new eyes.

 

much easier to create something new than to awaken something old.

 

That's a really interesting perspective, mini. You always write very interesting posts. Thanks for commenting . I'll think about what you said.

[RRM321]

@RRM321: I appreciate your perspective but as the others said, it's a bit black and white. That said, both exMM and I ARE trying to be conscious of his children and that was one of the driving forces behind us ending the A. I do use his children as one of many motivating factors to stay NC, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. When it ended, he said it had been getting harder and harder to even look at his 4 year old and not feel guilty over what he had been doing. So yes, it is a factor.

 

He made a mistake in turning to an affair to get his needs met instead of exhausting all efforts at saving his marriage first. I made a mistake in allowing myself to get sucked into it. Trust me and all the other OW/OMs here when we say we DO feel terrible guilt, remorse, and anguish.

 

I assume you are a betrayed spouse. I am very sorry for the pain that you've gone through. Not having been a BS, I can't truly understand your pain, just as you can't truly understand my pain as an "Other" unless you've been through it yourself. WS suffers too... all of us in different ways.

 

You see, it's really not black and white at all - you're simply cherry picking (as all APs & WSs do) what you need to grease the skids.

 

Nowhere in that response did you mention the lives of betrayed children, just how hard their existence is on you, and then immediately to the safe & forgiving notion of a griping BS and "my" pain. What if I was the cheater, who's spouse ended up committing suicide and leaving 2 kids behind? (True story, just not mine.) There's no information about me - just what you choose to believe, that which works for you.

 

Cheating is not an affair of the heart, and it's not an addiction - it's a life altering delusion. This why APs & WSs crash so hard when Dday arrives and the delusion is shattered by the intrusion of reality. That life was not real, it was a delusion. The dysfunction of the delusion shatters real lives of the BS and BChildren. This is not black and white thinking, it's the historical record.

 

Live in reality and just don't go there in the first place.

Edited February 25, 2016 by RRM321

[lemondrop21]

You see, it's really not black and white at all - you're simply cherry picking (as all APs & WSs do) what you need to grease the skids.

 

Nowhere in that response did you mention the lives of betrayed children, just how hard their existence is on you, and then immediately to the safe & forgiving notion of a griping BS and "my" pain. What if I was the cheater, who's spouse ended up committing suicide and leaving 2 kids behind? (True story, just not mine.) There's no information about me - just what you choose to believe, that which works for you.

 

Cheating is not an affair of the heart, and it's not an addiction - it's a life altering delusion. This why APs & WSs crash so hard when Dday arrives and the delusion is shattered by the intrusion of reality. That life was not real, it was a delusion. The dysfunction of the delusion shatters real lives of the BS and BChildren. This is not black and white thinking, it's the historical record.

 

Live in reality and just don't go there in the first place.

 

Okay, you're right that I don't know you, nor have I read your story, so I won't comment further on anything having to do with you. I'm not sure where suicide comes into play... are you saying that I should be cautious about what I write here because I might be speaking to someone whose spouse committed suicide? I would hope that no one in that situation would decide to hang around on an anonymous internet forum as though it were some sort of therapy replacement. At any rate, I can't take into account every possible scenario when I post here.

 

I post here on the assumption that I'm speaking to an audience of people in a similar situation to mine. For that reason, I don't tend to post over on the infidelity forum unless the thread seems to indicate they are open to an OW response. That said, LS is an open forum and you are free to post where you like at the end of the day.

 

At no point did I disagree with the idea that an affair impacts the lives of the WS's children. I chose not to write an essay about them here, because I don't feel I have the right to commentate extensively on the lives of someone else's children. Especially not an anonymous internet forum.

 

I also never disagreed with the idea that many aspects of the affair are a delusion. As my affair is over, I'm not sure what further point you are trying to make.

[lemondrop21]

Okay, now for an actual update to my story...

 

He texted last night after 3 weeks of NC. A fishing text. "Are you okay? Haven't seen you at all these past few weeks."

 

Okay, that's a lie, he's seen me from a distance and we both know it. Also, concern for my welfare is not a valid reason to send a random text late at night. A nicely-worded email would have done just fine if he actually was concerned about my welfare.

 

When the text came in, it was a couple hours after I had gotten home from a sports lesson with some friends, and I was feeling much stronger than I was earlier that evening. The timing couldn't have been better.

 

I opened the message so that he got a read receipt, but I didn't respond. So, there is no ambiguity - I am ignoring (I never told him directly that I was going NC). Arguably the read receipt may have given him a little "jolt," but if he thought I hadn't received the text, then he would have just tried to make contact another way. And if I block every method of digital communication, he may very well decide that wandering by my office is a good idea. So I'm sticking with just ignoring for now.

 

Then, this morning, I ran into him coming off the elevator - the closest we've physically been in 3 weeks. He was with a friend and I was with a friend. I said good morning, directed at both of them, made a remark to his friend (but said nothing to him) and then walked on. Barely glanced at him.

 

Let me tell you, I felt 10 feet tall in that moment.

 

I know that NC is ultimately about healing and moving on. But I'm going to be honest - sometimes it feels like a game, and you have to trick yourself a bit until you get to the next level.

 

I'm winning the game now and I couldn't be happier today.

Edited February 25, 2016 by lemondrop21

[jenkins95]

Okay, now for an actual update to my story...

 

He texted last night after 3 weeks of NC. A fishing text. "Are you okay? Haven't seen you at all these past few weeks."

 

Okay, that's a lie, he's seen me from a distance and we both know it. Also, concern for my welfare is not a valid reason to send a random text late at night. A nicely-worded email would have done just fine if he actually was concerned about my welfare.

 

When the text came in, it was a couple hours after I had gotten home from a sports lesson with some friends, and I was feeling much stronger than I was earlier that evening. The timing couldn't have been better.

 

I opened the message so that he got a read receipt, but I didn't respond. So, there is no ambiguity - I am ignoring (I never told him directly that I was going NC). Arguably the read receipt may have given him a little "jolt," but if he thought I hadn't received the text, then he would have just tried to make contact another way. And if I block every method of digital communication, he may very well decide that wandering by my office is a good idea. So I'm sticking with just ignoring for now.

 

Then, this morning, I ran into him coming off the elevator - the closest we've physically been in 3 weeks. He was with a friend and I was with a friend. I said good morning, directed at both of them, made a remark to his friend (but said nothing to him) and then walked on. Barely glanced at him.

 

Let me tell you, I felt 10 feet tall in that moment.

 

I know that NC is ultimately about healing and moving on. But I'm going to be honest - sometimes it feels like a game, and you have to trick yourself a bit until you get to the next level.

 

I'm winning the game now and I couldn't be happier today.

 

That's great lemondrop! So so proud of you!

 

His contact could have set you back a lot, but you coped admirably with it! Keep going!

 

....... and keep posting! I always feels better after reading your posts, because you speak the plain truth and your advice is very good. You've helped me stay on track several times already. Great to have that support.

[RRM321]

I'm not sure where suicide comes into play... are you saying that I should be cautious about what I write here because I might be speaking to someone whose spouse committed suicide?

 

No. I'm saying that if you rob a bank and the teller has a heart attack - you're responsible for the delusion that this affair was going to follow your fantasy. The bank is full of other people - none of whom live in your fantasy.

 

This reality consistently escapes people in an affair. Even when they get caught the delusion continues until something so extraordinary occurs that they crumble in a heap on the floor. That's beyond addiction, because an addict doesn't require a partner to stay high, and doesn't fixate on a single source of the offending substance.

 

So, in the OW/OM forum when someone posts "How do I not act on my feelings..." it generally comes back to what they define as "support." Are you asking for something real or something to maintain the delusion?

Edited February 25, 2016 by RRM321

[Furious]

Okay, now for an actual update to my story...

 

He texted last night after 3 weeks of NC. A fishing text. "Are you okay? Haven't seen you at all these past few weeks."

 

Okay, that's a lie, he's seen me from a distance and we both know it. Also, concern for my welfare is not a valid reason to send a random text late at night. A nicely-worded email would have done just fine if he actually was concerned about my welfare.

 

When the text came in, it was a couple hours after I had gotten home from a sports lesson with some friends, and I was feeling much stronger than I was earlier that evening. The timing couldn't have been better.

 

I opened the message so that he got a read receipt, but I didn't respond. So, there is no ambiguity - I am ignoring (I never told him directly that I was going NC). Arguably the read receipt may have given him a little "jolt," but if he thought I hadn't received the text, then he would have just tried to make contact another way. And if I block every method of digital communication, he may very well decide that wandering by my office is a good idea. So I'm sticking with just ignoring for now.

 

Then, this morning, I ran into him coming off the elevator - the closest we've physically been in 3 weeks. He was with a friend and I was with a friend. I said good morning, directed at both of them, made a remark to his friend (but said nothing to him) and then walked on. Barely glanced at him.

 

Let me tell you, I felt 10 feet tall in that moment.

 

I know that NC is ultimately about healing and moving on. But I'm going to be honest - sometimes it feels like a game, and you have to trick yourself a bit until you get to the next level.

 

I'm winning the game now and I couldn't be happier today.

 

 

 

I disagree you're not winning the game. I do agree it's a game and it seems shallow and ego boosting. When someone is done, they stop playing games and move on without a backward glance.

 

I'm reminded of carnival games, the prize of a stuffed animal that can be purchased at a Walmart store for a five bucks but in a carnival setting people will spend ridiculous amounts to win the very same stuffed prize.

 

The drama, the mind games, the push and push is a game, but I agree it's only a game.

[imperfectangel]

Okay, now for an actual update to my story...

 

He texted last night after 3 weeks of NC. A fishing text. "Are you okay? Haven't seen you at all these past few weeks."

 

Okay, that's a lie, he's seen me from a distance and we both know it. Also, concern for my welfare is not a valid reason to send a random text late at night. A nicely-worded email would have done just fine if he actually was concerned about my welfare.

 

When the text came in, it was a couple hours after I had gotten home from a sports lesson with some friends, and I was feeling much stronger than I was earlier that evening. The timing couldn't have been better.

 

I opened the message so that he got a read receipt, but I didn't respond. So, there is no ambiguity - I am ignoring (I never told him directly that I was going NC). Arguably the read receipt may have given him a little "jolt," but if he thought I hadn't received the text, then he would have just tried to make contact another way. And if I block every method of digital communication, he may very well decide that wandering by my office is a good idea. So I'm sticking with just ignoring for now.

 

Then, this morning, I ran into him coming off the elevator - the closest we've physically been in 3 weeks. He was with a friend and I was with a friend. I said good morning, directed at both of them, made a remark to his friend (but said nothing to him) and then walked on. Barely glanced at him.

 

Let me tell you, I felt 10 feet tall in that moment.

 

I know that NC is ultimately about healing and moving on. But I'm going to be honest - sometimes it feels like a game, and you have to trick yourself a bit until you get to the next level.

 

I'm winning the game now and I couldn't be happier today.

 

 

Well done you!!! Just be careful when it's late and thoughts go to mm and you're tempted to reply

[OldRover]

Lemon,

 

You're doing just fine.

 

This "delusional" stuff is just crap. There's NOTHING delusional about an affair. It's reality... it actually happened, and your mind is not playing games with you.

 

It's just an activity, like most, has risks and rewards. You obviously chose it for the rewards as most people do. You may not have known all the risk (or possibly all the rewards), but as time went on, you have decided that it's not in your best interest to continue.

 

It's not any different than opening up a store next to your competitor to get his sales and put him out of business. An activity of risks and rewards.

 

In both cases there are risks and rewards.... and unknowns. (and there are hundreds of other examples). And in both cases you need support and advise, and will make decisions. And in both cases sometimes it's permanent and we live happily ever after and sometimes is doesn't work and the walls crumble down. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't mean we are doomed to failure. We pick up, get help and get going again. And that's where you are.

 

YES you are winning. Absolutely nothing like a game, especially a carnival game. One can make a game out of it, but you haven't.

 

Overall, from reading your posts, it sounds like you will be just fine. I'd bet your attractive, intelligent, active and a very desirable person. And you've already proven a lot of that, and as time goes on things get better. You have the ability to make things work. Sure you may have little dips and set backs, but you'll climb above.

 

Too bad there's so much unnecessary negativity here.

 

Good luck and keep er going lady!

[Forceawakensme]

Okay, now for an actual update to my story...

 

He texted last night after 3 weeks of NC. A fishing text. "Are you okay? Haven't seen you at all these past few weeks."

 

Okay, that's a lie, he's seen me from a distance and we both know it. Also, concern for my welfare is not a valid reason to send a random text late at night. A nicely-worded email would have done just fine if he actually was concerned about my welfare.

 

When the text came in, it was a couple hours after I had gotten home from a sports lesson with some friends, and I was feeling much stronger than I was earlier that evening. The timing couldn't have been better.

 

I opened the message so that he got a read receipt, but I didn't respond. So, there is no ambiguity - I am ignoring (I never told him directly that I was going NC). Arguably the read receipt may have given him a little "jolt," but if he thought I hadn't received the text, then he would have just tried to make contact another way. And if I block every method of digital communication, he may very well decide that wandering by my office is a good idea. So I'm sticking with just ignoring for now.

 

Then, this morning, I ran into him coming off the elevator - the closest we've physically been in 3 weeks. He was with a friend and I was with a friend. I said good morning, directed at both of them, made a remark to his friend (but said nothing to him) and then walked on. Barely glanced at him.

 

Let me tell you, I felt 10 feet tall in that moment.

 

I know that NC is ultimately about healing and moving on. But I'm going to be honest - sometimes it feels like a game, and you have to trick yourself a bit until you get to the next level.

 

I'm winning the game now and I couldn't be happier today.

 

Good girl! He was fishing for sure... Well done, you.

 

I wish i could say ive been as strong. My MM contacted me last week saying hes suffering without me, regrets ending it... i ignored him and then i saw him and pushed him away.. he held me and i cried.. and yes we're back on. For now. I know its a wash, rinse, repeat situation...i *know* a day will come again soon where this will all be too hard for him and the guilt / fear will come back up -- i'll be back to square one..

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing darling. You're coming out ahead. Keep reminding yourself of how you felt after sleeping with him and him saying he needs to stay away / work on his marriage..

[lemondrop21]

No. I'm saying that if you rob a bank and the teller has a heart attack - you're responsible for the delusion that this affair was going to follow your fantasy. The bank is full of other people - none of whom live in your fantasy.

 

This reality consistently escapes people in an affair. Even when they get caught the delusion continues until something so extraordinary occurs that they crumble in a heap on the floor. That's beyond addiction, because an addict doesn't require a partner to stay high, and doesn't fixate on a single source of the offending substance.

 

So, in the OW/OM forum when someone posts "How do I not act on my feelings..." it generally comes back to what they define as "support." Are you asking for something real or something to maintain the delusion?

 

I disagree you're not winning the game. I do agree it's a game and it seems shallow and ego boosting. When someone is done, they stop playing games and move on without a backward glance.

 

I'm reminded of carnival games, the prize of a stuffed animal that can be purchased at a Walmart store for a five bucks but in a carnival setting people will spend ridiculous amounts to win the very same stuffed prize.

 

The drama, the mind games, the push and push is a game, but I agree it's only a game.

 

I don't feel the need to defend myself; I simply want to point out that I'm doing the best I can right now and I'm actively trying to improve myself every single day. That's where I'm at. We have all made mistakes in life and unless any of you are Jesus Christ or Ghandi, you've done things in life you wish you hadn't, and there are things about yourself that you are hopefully trying to improve.

 

It's not that I don't agree with most of what ya'll have to say, but please keep in mind that I've heard it A MILLION times before. All of us here have, because we are conscientious people who are here trying to find answers and get ourselves out of these messes. This isn't a "how to cheat and get away with it" forum.

 

It's like when a smoker buys a pack of cigarettes with a SMOKING KILLS sticker on it. Do you really think that the sticker, that he's seen a million times before, is going to motivate him to just set down the cigarettes and walk away without a second thought? "Oh, it kills. Gee, I didn't know. Well gosh darn it, I'm done then."

[lemondrop21]

Lemon,

 

You're doing just fine.

 

This "delusional" stuff is just crap. There's NOTHING delusional about an affair. It's reality... it actually happened, and your mind is not playing games with you.

 

It's just an activity, like most, has risks and rewards. You obviously chose it for the rewards as most people do. You may not have known all the risk (or possibly all the rewards), but as time went on, you have decided that it's not in your best interest to continue.

 

It's not any different than opening up a store next to your competitor to get his sales and put him out of business. An activity of risks and rewards.

 

In both cases there are risks and rewards.... and unknowns. (and there are hundreds of other examples). And in both cases you need support and advise, and will make decisions. And in both cases sometimes it's permanent and we live happily ever after and sometimes is doesn't work and the walls crumble down. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't mean we are doomed to failure. We pick up, get help and get going again. And that's where you are.

 

YES you are winning. Absolutely nothing like a game, especially a carnival game. One can make a game out of it, but you haven't.

 

Overall, from reading your posts, it sounds like you will be just fine. I'd bet your attractive, intelligent, active and a very desirable person. And you've already proven a lot of that, and as time goes on things get better. You have the ability to make things work. Sure you may have little dips and set backs, but you'll climb above.

 

Too bad there's so much unnecessary negativity here.

 

Good luck and keep er going lady!

 

That's great lemondrop! So so proud of you!

 

His contact could have set you back a lot, but you coped admirably with it! Keep going!

 

....... and keep posting! I always feels better after reading your posts, because you speak the plain truth and your advice is very good. You've helped me stay on track several times already. Great to have that support.

 

Thank you, Old Rover. I like to think that I'm attractive, intelligent, and desirable - not to toot my own horn, but I was a relatively self-confident person before the affair and for the most part, I still am. Not all single OW are weak, desperate, attention-seeking, daddy issues types... as much as society might like to paint us that way. There are all types of OW/OM just like there are all types of WS, not just the philanderers .

 

To be very honest with you and everyone else on this board... the moments where I feel that I'm making NC a game are the moments when I think that I might want the A back, so I convince myself that I have to maintain NC right now ANYWAY because he needs to miss me enough to want it back, too. But in those moments, I'm also trying to get myself PAST those moments without contacting him, so that I can think clearly again and focus in on all the reasons I truly want the affair to be OVER.

 

That's basically what happened yesterday. Earlier in the day, I wanted to talk to him SO badly and wanted the A back SO badly. I convinced myself to maintain NC for the time being, "at least until 30 days, because he needs enough time to really miss me." Then I talked to my therapist, thought about all the ways in which going back to the A wouldn't accomplish what I want in the long term.. and by the time he texted, I was able to ignore it because enough of me didn't want to restart it again.

 

Jenkins, thank you for your kind words too and I'm glad I've helped you stay on track in some way. I will go back and re-read your story now; I kind of remember it from when you were posting last year, but I need a refresher. At that point I was probably rooting for you to end up with your OW because I was projecting my own situation onto yours. Now, I can honestly say that I don't wish for that to happen, unless it's actually what's best for everyone in your scenario (after a lot of work and reflection on your part). I'm very glad that you're pursuing what you feel is best and most right at this time. At the end of the day, that is all any of us can do, right? And the fact that you come here, read, write, and reflect, speaks volumes about your character.

 

 

Two MM's responding to my thread impresses me a great deal. I think that many WS and especially MM (sorry to gender stereotype) prefer to bury their heads in the sand both during and after the A, rather than do the type of true self-reflection that leads to lasting change.

 

This "ostriching" is probably what my exMM is doing and I am genuinely sad for that. I think that if he were to deeply reflect on the A, do a lot of reading, maybe some more therapy, and then let himself be vulnerable with his wife, their marriage would have a shot at evolving into a truly great marriage. For now I suspect it will keep chugging along in a mediocre, but not truly intimate, fashion.

[lemondrop21]

Good girl! He was fishing for sure... Well done, you.

 

I wish i could say ive been as strong. My MM contacted me last week saying hes suffering without me, regrets ending it... i ignored him and then i saw him and pushed him away.. he held me and i cried.. and yes we're back on. For now. I know its a wash, rinse, repeat situation...i *know* a day will come again soon where this will all be too hard for him and the guilt / fear will come back up -- i'll be back to square one..

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing darling. You're coming out ahead. Keep reminding yourself of how you felt after sleeping with him and him saying he needs to stay away / work on his marriage..

 

Aw force. I wondered if you were around and figured that you had re-started the A but weren't updating your thread (at least not yet). I used to be the same way when I re-started. It's really hard to post an update being like "guess what! I was weak and am back in it!" But we all kind of know, don't we? We've all had at least a few of these breakups.

 

Thank you for reminding me about what he said and how I felt after we had sex the last time... you are right, that was TOUGH but was also what I needed to hear in order to keep walking away and stay away.

 

I also like this part of what you said: "i *know* a day will come again soon where this will all be too hard for him and the guilt / fear will come back up -- i'll be back to square one.. "

 

This would be exactly the same with my exMM if we were to re-start. Even if I managed to keep the negativity at bay (by suppressing my normal, genuine human emotion) his guilt would eventually bubble up to the surface and I would feel it in various ways - him acting more aloof, less enthusiastic than usual, cancelling "dates." And then one day he would drop the bomb AGAIN that he needs to end the A AGAIN because last night he heard a certain song that hit him the wrong way, or his daughter looked at him like he's a super hero and he felt so guilty, or whatever.

 

It turns my stomach to think about going back to that place of uncertainty. Right now, I am certain that every day when I open my eyes in the morning, I will feel some degree of pain as I remember what happened. But at least there is certainty in it. During the A, I never knew what each day would bring because it was so unstable. If I'm honest, I have to say that after 3 weeks NC/6 weeks post-breakup, the degree of pain I feel most of the time is better than how the affair felt most of the time.

 

You will get there eventually, force. Our situations are alike in that there wasn't a D-Day, so it's all up to us and the MMs. We all have to want the pain to end badly enough.

[Forceawakensme]

Aw force. I wondered if you were around and figured that you had re-started the A but weren't updating your thread (at least not yet). I used to be the same way when I re-started. It's really hard to post an update being like "guess what! I was weak and am back in it!" But we all kind of know, don't we? We've all had at least a few of these breakups.

 

Thank you for reminding me about what he said and how I felt after we had sex the last time... you are right, that was TOUGH but was also what I needed to hear in order to keep walking away and stay away.

 

I also like this part of what you said: "i *know* a day will come again soon where this will all be too hard for him and the guilt / fear will come back up -- i'll be back to square one.. "

 

This would be exactly the same with my exMM if we were to re-start. Even if I managed to keep the negativity at bay (by suppressing my normal, genuine human emotion) his guilt would eventually bubble up to the surface and I would feel it in various ways - him acting more aloof, less enthusiastic than usual, cancelling "dates." And then one day he would drop the bomb AGAIN that he needs to end the A AGAIN because last night he heard a certain song that hit him the wrong way, or his daughter looked at him like he's a super hero and he felt so guilty, or whatever.

 

It turns my stomach to think about going back to that place of uncertainty. Right now, I am certain that every day when I open my eyes in the morning, I will feel some degree of pain as I remember what happened. But at least there is certainty in it. During the A, I never knew what each day would bring because it was so unstable. If I'm honest, I have to say that after 3 weeks NC/6 weeks post-breakup, the degree of pain I feel most of the time is better than how the affair felt most of the time.

 

You will get there eventually, force. Our situations are alike in that there wasn't a D-Day, so it's all up to us and the MMs. We all have to want the pain to end badly enough.

 

 

Amazing post LD.. im going to re-read it .. it almost gives me the strength to say .. 'im not going back down this road again'... -- -Especially the part about guilt bubbling to surface and him becoming aloof again.. that uncertainty... Right now hes all 'in'.. but thats because we're coming off the heels of 5 weeks NC... hes making up for lost time.. i know whats around the corner... Im a glutton for punishment.

 

Thank you LD... Big hugs darling.. you're a star xxx

[Grey Cloud]

Lemondrop - well done for remaining strong!! I am proud of you!!

Be careful because I do feel there is a bit of a danger period coming up for you. You feel good because you ignored his contact attempt but as you say you wanted him to miss you (I would be exactly the same!). Two things will either happen now - he'll try even harder to get a response from you (and if this happens there may come a point where you will feel like caving in), or he'll back away (and you will miss him and wonder if you did the right thing ignoring him). That's why you need to stay strong and remember the reasons why YOU are doing this! You can do this!

[Grey Cloud]

Amazing post LD.. im going to re-read it .. it almost gives me the strength to say .. 'im not going back down this road again'... -- -Especially the part about guilt bubbling to surface and him becoming aloof again.. that uncertainty... Right now hes all 'in'.. but thats because we're coming off the heels of 5 weeks NC... hes making up for lost time.. i know whats around the corner... Im a glutton for punishment.

 

Thank you LD... Big hugs darling.. you're a star xxx

 

Force - I don't want to hijack LD's thread but just know if you want to post about your situation you know the majority of us will be supportive and try and help you through it. Don't be ashamed you are back with him. There would be a lot of us that have done that. Sometimes this needs to happen to truly take the next steps needed.