Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

Thank you all for your posts and responses, I truly appreciate it. It's comforting to at least be heard.

 

Right now I just want to note that the comment about disclosure was a very small note in my long post above and was just a feeling I was reflecting on. I truly don't want to hurt his wife and so I won't disclose. Of course, the problem is I have already hurt his wife, but no more from here on out.

 

Yes, I am volatile and conflicted. But I'm not unstable enough to do something like disclose, hurt myself, etc. and I'm very thankful for that. I have a lot of anger directed both internally and at him, but I am in control of myself.

[jenkins95]

......I just want to note that the comment about disclosure was a very small note in my long post above and was just a feeling I was reflecting on. I truly don't want to hurt his wife and so I won't disclose. Of course, the problem is I have already hurt his wife, but no more from here on out.

 

Yes, I am volatile and conflicted. But I'm not unstable enough to do something like disclose, hurt myself, etc. and I'm very thankful for that. I have a lot of anger directed both internally and at him, but I am in control of myself.

 

Yes LD, you are doing very well. You are hurting and angry, but deep down I feel that you are on top of things and know what you need to do. When you are coming out of an affair as the OW, I doubt that there can be anything much more painful than seeing the MM playing happy families with his wife and child, smiling, joking, touching and acting like everything is well in the world without any care in the word. I can't imagine what that must have done to you inside. The mental gymnastics that followed were completely to be expected and understandable. It was very clear to me that you weren't actually going to do anything 'silly', but that you had to rant - you needed to do it and you were right to come to us. You were brave to even attempt going to the party, but on reflection I guess it was too soon, as Lovetoohard suggests, and to see him like that was just too much to deal with in that moment.

 

The main thing is you got past it, and hopefully you feel better now that you did in the early hours of Saturday morning. On reflection, you may look at this as a significant step in your recovery. You've had enough and you don't want him to have this power over you any more. The party was such a stark illustration of that.

 

You are one of us and we are proud of you - keep at it!

Edited February 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

Tbh I think if I saw my mm like that I would've flipped. Idk how, LD, you kept it together! Also it's a stark reminder that they're were they want to be. If these mm were so unhappy they wouldn't be going to parties together. It's one thing to put a front on in front of children for their sakes it's quite another to be behaving like this.

 

LD you are a lot braver and stronger than I no way could I of handled that ****

[jenkins95]

Tbh I think if I saw my mm like that I would've flipped. Idk how, LD, you kept it together! Also it's a stark reminder that they're were they want to be. If these mm were so unhappy they wouldn't be going to parties together. It's one thing to put a front on in front of children for their sakes it's quite another to be behaving like this.

 

LD you are a lot braver and stronger than I no way could I of handled that ****

 

Angel, I agree, LD was amazing for keeping it together and not causing a scene then and there. But you are doing great too - your posts are inspirational.

 

From the point of view of the MM, I am struggling to understand how LD's MM got through that party, especially acting like that. If I'd have been in that situation, I think I'd have literally wanted to die, or be swallowed into the ground. I think I'd have tried to keep quiet and escape to a quiet corner maybe seeking a quiet conversation with a male friend away from the main group.

 

To be honest I think I would have feigned illness just before the party, rather than go through that nightmare. LD, I imagine your MM was dying inside too? Sounds like an Oscar winning performance he put on there.

 

Anyway, that horrible party is behind you now lemon! You'll get there

Edited February 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[Cymbeline]

I'm really surprised your therapist thought it could possibly be a good idea to attend. It was always going to be horrendous for you. As a BS I also feel it was one more act of disrespect towards his BS.

 

Perhaps it will have a positive effect in the end if it convinces you he really is close to his wife and allows you to disengage further. It must have been truly terrible though.

 

My WS' ow thought I didn't know about the affair. My husband kept it that way as she was a work colleague and he wanted to minimise the after effects for her. Then after 6 months when she found out through another source that I was aware, she thought I believe it was simply a very brief fling. 6 months later, when she was still emotionally engaged, someone had a word to encourage her to move on and intimated that I almost certainly knew most of the truth.

 

If his wife has smartened up her act and appearance I'd hazard a guess she may not be in total ignorance. It is difficult to explain or understand. I have seen yearning , loving emails from my WS, couched in language he has never used with me (together 31 years since we were 21). Yet at the same time he was leaning on me as his helpmeet, support and confidante as he tried to make sense of what was going on inside his conflicted and unstable mind.

 

Look after yourself. They have each other.

[imperfectangel]

The only person disrespecting his wife is mm. Yes ow play a part but it was mm that made commitments to her not LD.

[Cymbeline]

The above is not true. To attend a function so soon where his bs will be, while harbouring a secret affair, still emotionally vital and compulsive is an act of disrespect to the bs. It is also an act which is masochistic towards oneself. I guess that somewhere here was an underlying need to see him and perhaps her as well - even if unconscious.

 

It isn't the worst act of disrespect towards the bs, but disrespect it is.

 

The fact that the WH also has issues with respecting his family is separate.

[Cymbeline]

Just to add, There have been numerous occasions when my WS' AP should have been at the same function as me - often work dinners etc. I feel it is to her credit (and I don't give her much of that) that during the affair and after, even when she believed I was ignorant of the affair and her identity, she did not attend any function that I would be at.

[lemondrop21]

Your perspectives are interesting Cybelime and I am taking them into consideration. Believe me when I say I have no desire to attend any functions with the two of them in the future (or just him for that matter). I didn't think it was likely for her to be there as I thought it was more of an adult-oriented thing and that she would stay home with the kids rather than getting a sitter. I was wrong, there were a few children there, up until about 9pm or so.

 

It's going to be tough because we live in this small community where work and social life are so intertwined, however I'm going to be doing my best to avoid these situations from here on out.

 

I never meant it as disrespect to BS and trust me that I am going through plenty of pain now.

[Grey Cloud]

Angel, I agree, LD was amazing for keeping it together and not causing a scene then and there. But you are doing great too - your posts are inspirational.

 

From the point of view of the MM, I am struggling to understand how LD's MM got through that party, especially acting like that. If I'd have been in that situation, I think I'd have literally wanted to die, or be swallowed into the ground. I think I'd have tried to keep quiet and escape to a quiet corner maybe seeking a quiet conversation with a male friend away from the main group.

 

To be honest I think I would have feigned illness just before the party, rather than go through that nightmare. LD, I imagine your MM was dying inside too? Sounds like an Oscar winning performance he put on there.

 

Anyway, that horrible party is behind you now lemon! You'll get there

 

I didn't stop to think of it from the MM perspective. Maybe bringing his w and child to the party was a way for him to stop himself from doing something from LD (because let's face it, the situation is still very raw and if they were at a party together with booze then I would say NC would fly out the window!). But it must have been very hard and weird for him also having his w and former OW in the same room together? Not sure I could have done that!

 

Hang in there LD!

[Cymbeline]

it as disrespect to BS and trust me that I am going through plenty of pain now.

 

I can see that. It is hard to see he other side when we are so emotionally volatile. I hope your recovery doesn't take too long. I understand how these overseas communities work and how easy it is to do things that ultimately hurt us and others. If there is a silver lining for you (as for the bs) it is that introspection and compassion for ourselves and others makes us into more rounded personalities when we come out of the wringer.

All good wishes.

[RRM321]

I didn't stop to think of it from the MM perspective. Maybe bringing his w and child to the party was a way for him to stop himself from doing something from LD (because let's face it, the situation is still very raw and if they were at a party together with booze then I would say NC would fly out the window!). But it must have been very hard and weird for him also having his w and former OW in the same room together? Not sure I could have done that!

 

All of this speculation incorrectly presumes the wife is in happy La-La land and completely oblivious to what the WH is doing. That is NOT a realistic assumption.

 

She may very well have been alongside her husband and with her children as a show of strength. She need not burden herself with the gory details or care to know exactly who the OW is - but, that does not mean she is not keenly aware that there is an OW.

 

Regardless of the BW, the duplicity of the MM should be readily apparent and put to rest the notion that you are dating anything other than a liar and manipulator? Just do the math - your life is not the only one he's toying with; it's actually rather crowded around him.

[imperfectangel]

I don't understand why some bs expect so much from the ow. Ow is a stranger to you. If you can forgive and try to move on in your marriage then ow shouldn't register to you. A mm is the one disrespecting his w the ow could've been anyone who was in the right place at the wrong time

[Cymbeline]

Imperfect Angel. I don't know whether your username denotes any religious affiliation or if it's just an affectation, but whether you subscribe to Christianity, Islam, Buddhism or just secular philosophy in deciding how your life is to be lived, the maxim of 'do no harm' and of practising compassion for all is found in each and every one; as is the idea of redemption for mistakes made.

 

If you subscribe to none of these philosophies , well I doubt that you are going to find deep and lasting happiness in this lifetime.

[Cymbeline]

'MAll of this speculation incorrectly presumes the wife is in happy La-La land and completely oblivious to what the WH is doing. That is NOT a realistic assumption.

 

She may very well have been alongside her husband and with her children as a show of strength. She need not burden herself with the gory details or care to know exactly who the OW is - but, that does not mean she is not keenly aware that there is an OW. '

 

 

This is all true. As I implied before, when a middle aged mum of small children with an adulterous husband suddenly starts looking slimmer and better groomed than usual, trust me, she knows.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Your perspectives are interesting Cybelime and I am taking them into consideration. Believe me when I say I have no desire to attend any functions with the two of them in the future (or just him for that matter). I didn't think it was likely for her to be there as I thought it was more of an adult-oriented thing and that she would stay home with the kids rather than getting a sitter. I was wrong, there were a few children there, up until about 9pm or so.

 

It's going to be tough because we live in this small community where work and social life are so intertwined, however I'm going to be doing my best to avoid these situations from here on out.

 

I never meant it as disrespect to BS and trust me that I am going through plenty of pain now.

 

Hi LemonDrop. I was wondering how you were doing. I can tell you that you don't get any closure/relief/whatever from the BS knowing. (I understand you just dropped that as a comment, but I wanted to post). For me, she knows and she was happy xMM was giving their marriage another chance as she takes the blame, so nothing in his life has changed. All it did was give him the opportunity to blame her and me and my H for everything. Life goes on as normal for him, except for of course, me.

 

The one thing he wants is for "us to be back to normal". I have to see him weekly and tried every way of dealing with the situation but in the end, I found the least painful way for myself is to completely ignore him. Literally say not one word, to the extent where I do not respond to his questions or comments. I act like he is not there. I did decide to resign from my position and notified the president a few weeks ago but my H flipped out as he wants me to handle this like an adult and not destroy our business by up and leaving. So I took back my resignation and am doing my own version of NC. It still bothers me to see him and I feel bad for that day but it's a lot better than being friendly to him. When I am friendly, I feel like he wins as he is getting what he wants. I am making him happy at my own expense.

 

My feelings for him have changed. Like you said, I feel sickened at my part in the A. Now I sit and see him as he flirts with the other two women in the group. One is in her 50s and the other in her 30s. The younger one has confided in me that she in insecure in the roomful of men and sits with him because he makes her feel safe. I believe he would take whichever one expressed interest first. He just wants sex. I realize now I was stupid and fell for it, I see that now as I observe it happening in real time.

 

It does still hurt. A lot. I just basically decided 2 weeks ago that I could either carry a torch for this guy or just let it all go. Those are my choices. It's been two months out now and looking back, the 5 months of the A were painful in their own way. I don't want to be here in the spring. I'm tired of the pain. The only person keeping me here now, is me. So I am keeping with my not saying a word to him. It's tricky when he sits across from me and he tries to engage me in conversation, and I probably look like a b*tch for no reason to others witnessing this, but I don't care. He will not hear the sound of my voice nor see a smile.

[yodelwithyu]

Lemon, I just wanted to echo what others have said about it having been a horrifying experience and to give you hugs. I honestly don't know how you even could kept yourself together until they left. You are super strong and now you know it. Because you only reacted that night and when you were intoxicated, but have been able to resist any further actions. My suggestion is not to drink for a while. I know that is what I plan to do, as I might do something stupid if I get the sad type of drunk anytime soon.

 

Also, I can't find the post now, but I disagree with whoever said the your exMM must have felt terrible too. If he had any idea how you felt or felt nearly as sh*tty as he should have, he would have found a way to get back to your texts and not say "Chat tomorrow?" and then turn off his phone. And then not text the next day. Everything you need to know about him is right there. I am so sorry he made you believe otherwise =(

[Cymbeline]

'Also, I can't find the post now, but I disagree with whoever said the your exMM must have felt terrible too. If he had any idea how you felt or felt nearly as sh*tty as he should have, he would have found a way to get back to your texts and not say "Chat tomorrow?" and then turn off his phone. And then not text the next day. Everything you need to know about him is right there. I am so sorry he made you believe otherwise =('

 

He is alarmed and perhaps frightened now. He cannot be sure of Lemondrops reactions and feelings and he will fear the consequences of his actions within their community. The brain chemicals that Flooded his head when he fell for Lemondrop also made him feel powerful and invincible - like Peter Pan egotistic ally crowing 'Oh the cleverness of me'.....just before he is captured.

[lemondrop21]

If he had any idea how you felt or felt nearly as sh*tty as he should have, he would have found a way to get back to your texts and not say "Chat tomorrow?" and then turn off his phone. And then not text the next day. Everything you need to know about him is right there. I am so sorry he made you believe otherwise =(

 

That's true in a way, and the crazy thing is that I didn't even process that. I just thought "oh, now he's going to be mad that I was texting him at a time I'm 'not supposed to'" aka when he's with his wife. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

Today I sent him a message to ask him if his family is going to an event in several weeks that I wanted to sign up for. He said no, and then tried to ask if I was ok and I ignored it, just said "ok thanks" and left it at that. At least he didn't b*tch at me about the drunk texts or try to restart the A or any other nonsense.

 

I realized after this past weekend that my version of NC will need to incorporate periodically asking whether him and/or his family will attend this or that event. I can't just avoid everything I think they might possibly go to, because we are in such a small community and it would shut down my social life. Heck, there's always a chance I'll run into them at the grocery store, although I try to go at odd hours for that reason.

 

I was so angry again today. I think this is day 5 or 6 of me just raging... aside from Thursday when I felt really good, pity that didn't last. I still want to tell him all about how much pain he has caused everyone. But I've resisted.

 

I read somewhere that the anger phase is a good sign because you are trying to make space emotionally that will allow you to move on and heal in time. I certainly hope that is true.

[lemondrop21]

He is alarmed and perhaps frightened now. He cannot be sure of Lemondrops reactions and feelings and he will fear the consequences of his actions within their community. The brain chemicals that Flooded his head when he fell for Lemondrop also made him feel powerful and invincible - like Peter Pan egotistic ally crowing 'Oh the cleverness of me'.....just before he is captured.

 

I have no idea what is going on in his head to be honest and am trying not to care much at this stage, but this post made me laugh out loud, so I thank you for that.

[lemondrop21]

Hi LemonDrop. I was wondering how you were doing. I can tell you that you don't get any closure/relief/whatever from the BS knowing. (I understand you just dropped that as a comment, but I wanted to post). For me, she knows and she was happy xMM was giving their marriage another chance as she takes the blame, so nothing in his life has changed. All it did was give him the opportunity to blame her and me and my H for everything. Life goes on as normal for him, except for of course, me.

 

The one thing he wants is for "us to be back to normal". I have to see him weekly and tried every way of dealing with the situation but in the end, I found the least painful way for myself is to completely ignore him. Literally say not one word, to the extent where I do not respond to his questions or comments. I act like he is not there. I did decide to resign from my position and notified the president a few weeks ago but my H flipped out as he wants me to handle this like an adult and not destroy our business by up and leaving. So I took back my resignation and am doing my own version of NC. It still bothers me to see him and I feel bad for that day but it's a lot better than being friendly to him. When I am friendly, I feel like he wins as he is getting what he wants. I am making him happy at my own expense.

 

My feelings for him have changed. Like you said, I feel sickened at my part in the A. Now I sit and see him as he flirts with the other two women in the group. One is in her 50s and the other in her 30s. The younger one has confided in me that she in insecure in the roomful of men and sits with him because he makes her feel safe. I believe he would take whichever one expressed interest first. He just wants sex. I realize now I was stupid and fell for it, I see that now as I observe it happening in real time.

 

It does still hurt. A lot. I just basically decided 2 weeks ago that I could either carry a torch for this guy or just let it all go. Those are my choices. It's been two months out now and looking back, the 5 months of the A were painful in their own way. I don't want to be here in the spring. I'm tired of the pain. The only person keeping me here now, is me. So I am keeping with my not saying a word to him. It's tricky when he sits across from me and he tries to engage me in conversation, and I probably look like a b*tch for no reason to others witnessing this, but I don't care. He will not hear the sound of my voice nor see a smile.

 

Wow Midnight. There is so much pain in this post. I'm impressed that you decided to stay at your position and actually I'm also impressed that your H wanted you to stay.

 

I think that seeing xMM flirt with other women would push me absolutely to the brink. I'm very surprised he has the balls to do that in front of you. This must sound odd to people who have never been an "other" I'm sure - being jealous of other potential "others" when there is already a spouse to be jealous of. But to me, it would make me feel completely disposable and make it seem mostly if not entirely about sex. At minimum, it would make me feel so easily replaceable emotionally. :(

 

Please hang in there, Midnight. It sounds like you are doing great at the NC but you must feel very vulnerable at certain moments. I believe in you and know you can get through this. For your sake I'm looking forward to when you are through the pain enough to focus in on your marriage.

[lemondrop21]

I think the beginning phases after the end of an affair are terrible. You tend to wrestle with some extreme and conflicted emotions. I don't think i'm qualified to even attempt to articulate those emotions. They are truly inexplicable in my opinion, and for me, looking back on it, it really took toll on my health, more so than the affair itself. I felt like I was going crazy with all that noise in my head.

 

Sometimes, in our desire to move forward with our lives and get back to normalcy as quickly as possible, we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that we are strong and ready to face any obstacles head on. That feeling of being 10 feet tall doesn't last long. The reason for that is because we declare we don't want any part of the affair and xMM/MW anymore, but it's one thing to say it, and an entirely different thing to feel that desire deep down within. Deep down, you do miss some aspects of this person and how there were times you were happy and you wish that everything would have just fallen into place and everyone would end up with what they wanted, including the W, all without any of the messiness. And you often obsess over whether you actually meant anything to xMM and you want him to long for you the way you did for him. There's no shame in admitting it. That feeling stays there for longer than we want, but it gets easier to ignore it with time.

 

The good thing is though, that there's a much much bigger part of you that wants to move forward with your life, and it overpowers that tiny little voice in your head saying that you just want all the happy parts back because it hurts....but not ALL the time. Sometimes it's triggered by something, other times, it's completely out of the blue. So what you have to do to avoid any pit falls is limit your contact. Attending an event knowing that the wife will be there is something I don't think I can handle, even today. So you were brave to do that, but it's too soon. I know that it's not entirely possible to go NC because you work in the same office and seem to run in the same social circles, but if you can figure out a sustainable, long-term approach instead of setting some artificial timeline for yourself that would be good. This is a life style change, not simply just abstaining from some vice for a certain number of days. My recommendation would be to not initiate any contact, limit contact if he reaches out by being very unemotional and business-like, and avoid being in any social setting if he's going to be there for a bit. There's really no timeline for this and you'll know you're getting stronger when you're starting to feeling feel your emotions stabilizing and you're feeling 10 feet tall because you feel good about things without any external factor giving you that boost. The time and distance will help you better manage your interactions in the future, and equally importantly, it will give you time to solidify your stance on the toxic nature of that relationship and give you some clear head space to focus on your future goals.

 

Great post as always, Love. I was thinking about a sustainable, long term plan today and that's what led me to ask him if his family was going to this event in a few weeks. I wish I didn't have to ask on TODAY of all days, but it was the sign-up deadline. I was proud of myself though, because the conversation was only that, and no more. This is what I'll have to do sometimes, moving forward. And then immediately back to NC.

 

I'm excited about this event in a few weeks. I think it will actually help me avoid xMM that weekend, given that his family is not going. It's a 2-day off-site event that will fall on St. Patrick's Day weekend, when there are lots of festivities around here and I would have run the risk of a boozy run-in. I am being 100% honest when I say that I now have NO desire for any sort of boozed up interaction with xMM.

[Lovetoohard]

Great post as always, Love. I was thinking about a sustainable, long term plan today and that's what led me to ask him if his family was going to this event in a few weeks. I wish I didn't have to ask on TODAY of all days, but it was the sign-up deadline. I was proud of myself though, because the conversation was only that, and no more. This is what I'll have to do sometimes, moving forward. And then immediately back to NC.

 

I'm excited about this event in a few weeks. I think it will actually help me avoid xMM that weekend, given that his family is not going. It's a 2-day off-site event that will fall on St. Patrick's Day weekend, when there are lots of festivities around here and I would have run the risk of a boozy run-in. I am being 100% honest when I say that I now have NO desire for any sort of boozed up interaction with xMM.

 

Lemon! You sound like you're in better spirits! Your St. Patty's day plans sound super fun!

 

I'm glad you're trying out a more manageable approach. It's a trial and error process. You just gotta do what works for your circumstances. You certainly don't want to be isolated from the social events in a small community, nor would it be a good idea to totally ignore him at work as that may hurt your career. To-the-point, unemotional, and polite interaction...you're in control ...you've got this!

 

Ha! I've had my fair share of boozy conversations with xMM before. Turns out, my favorite wine doesn't pair well an entree of anger.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[SolG]

Sometimes, in our desire to move forward with our lives and get back to normalcy as quickly as possible, we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that we are strong and ready to face any obstacles head on. That feeling of being 10 feet tall doesn't last long.

 

The thing is what you describe here is actually the essence of strength! Doing things when you feel 'good' about them is easy; anyone can do that. It's doing things when they're difficult, when you feel uncomfortable and it hurts, when it takes every ounce of your will... but doing them anyway because you know it's the right thing for you... failing and falling and getting up and wiping yourself off and keeping on going... THAT takes real strength and courage.

 

Feeling 'good' or '10 feet tall' isn't necessarily analogous with high fives all round and cheering. Sometimes it's just the quiet inner acknowledgement that despite everything, hey, today I did good. Then soldiering on...

[Lovetoohard]

The thing is what you describe here is actually the essence of strength! Doing things when you feel 'good' about them is easy; anyone can do that. It's doing things when they're difficult, when you feel uncomfortable and it hurts, when it takes every ounce of your will... but doing them anyway because you know it's the right thing for you... failing and falling and getting up and wiping yourself off and keeping on going... THAT takes real strength and courage.

 

Feeling 'good' or '10 feet tall' isn't necessarily analogous with high fives all round and cheering. Sometimes it's just the quiet inner acknowledgement that despite everything, hey, today I did good. Then soldiering on...

 

SoIG, I completely agree with you and I don't think I did a good job of articulating the point you made so clearly. The point I was trying to make is that we sometimes so badly want to achieve a particular goal, we take whatever positive feelings we have re-gained and expect to ride the wave all the way to the shoreline when in fact, you wipe out along the way and that you have to take baby steps and one day at a time to make it more manageable, especially if you're a newbie (I don't know why the surfing analogy came to mind )

 

I wish there were short cuts to feeling better, but like you said, you have learn to pick yourself up every time you fall and give it another go.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard