Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Doublegold]

 

Today I sent him a message to ask him if his family is going to an event in several weeks that I wanted to sign up for. He said no, and then tried to ask if I was ok and I ignored it, just said "ok thanks" and left it at that. At least he didn't b*tch at me about the drunk texts or try to restart the A or any other nonsense.

 

I realized after this past weekend that my version of NC will need to incorporate periodically asking whether him and/or his family will attend this or that event. I can't just avoid everything I think they might possibly go to, because we are in such a small community and it would shut down my social life. Heck, there's always a chance I'll run into them at the grocery store, although I try to go at odd hours for that reason.

 

I was so angry again today. I think this is day 5 or 6 of me just raging... aside from Thursday when I felt really good, pity that didn't last. I still want to tell him all about how much pain he has caused everyone. But I've resisted.

 

I read somewhere that the anger phase is a good sign because you are trying to make space emotionally that will allow you to move on and heal in time. I certainly hope that is true.

 

Behind anger is always hurt, fear and frustration. Totally understandable how you are feeling. Anger is an emotion.

 

Lemondrop, I fear the upcoming weeks are going to test your will to the strongest degree. XMM may of seen your text asking if he is bringing his family to the St. Patty's day Event as a heads up for shenanigans (because of the text after he left the party). YOU know it is not, WE know it is not--but he may be thinking differently.

 

So stay on point. I cannot imagine how anyone who sees the XAP daily can manage NC.

 

Take care.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow Midnight. There is so much pain in this post. I'm impressed that you decided to stay at your position and actually I'm also impressed that your H wanted you to stay.

 

I think that seeing xMM flirt with other women would push me absolutely to the brink. I'm very surprised he has the balls to do that in front of you. This must sound odd to people who have never been an "other" I'm sure - being jealous of other potential "others" when there is already a spouse to be jealous of. But to me, it would make me feel completely disposable and make it seem mostly if not entirely about sex. At minimum, it would make me feel so easily replaceable emotionally. :(

 

Please hang in there, Midnight. It sounds like you are doing great at the NC but you must feel very vulnerable at certain moments. I believe in you and know you can get through this. For your sake I'm looking forward to when you are through the pain enough to focus in on your marriage.

 

Thanks LemonDrop. Since I hit my 40s, I get hit on a lot. Most men are upfront about the fact that they are married and just looking for something on the side as they are not happy but have no intentions of leaving. These are typically men I know in a casual business environment (think not a friend but someone you see occasionally for a professional reason). They are upfront about not having feelings for me other than genuine thinking I am attractive, funny, smart and someone cool to be around, but no romantic feelings. They all love their wives. (As an aside I find this both fascinating and horrifying). Never am I interested as casual sex has never been my thing and I get what I need at home. eMM caught me by saying he had been in love with me for 3 years. At that time I was very lonely in my marriage. In an odd way the other guys are at least honest with me. But so, no, to see xMM flirting - and I can tell because he does this thing where he bites his lower lip and raises his eyebrows and smiles, all at the same time, and I see him doing it to them - I am not jealous. It is easy to find someone who only wants to have sex with me.

 

But yes, I feel used, stupid, hurt, and totally disposable. The last straw, what really did it, was 2 weeks ago, I had tried his request to act like we used to, just regular friendly, and we started texting afterwards, back at our respective jobs and he said how 'I'm not alone (meaning me), he still has all these feelings for me and how we feel the same.' I said, I don't think you have any idea how I feel. And I told him how I wanted to die when we broke up, I was close to suicidal. No response. And that was the last contact on my end. I took that to show me finally, this guy does not care about me. He really only cares about himself and will use whomever to get what he wants. So yes, the next week, he came right up to me and started talking and I acted like he literally was not there. It was great. And it made him nuts because he must win. Granted, my reasons for for ME, not really to hurt him. But only for me to survive. I had been crying every night for 2 months. My husband told me he was worried I was going to hurt myself. It just had to stop. I refuse to let his guy ruin my entire life.

 

For the last two weeks, my marriage is better. I do have bouts of anger and I plan crazy things I would do or say the next time I see him, but then he will win because I will look like a nutcase. But I get headaches from the anger.

 

How are you feeling today?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Great post as always, Love. I was thinking about a sustainable, long term plan today and that's what led me to ask him if his family was going to this event in a few weeks. I wish I didn't have to ask on TODAY of all days, but it was the sign-up deadline. I was proud of myself though, because the conversation was only that, and no more. This is what I'll have to do sometimes, moving forward. And then immediately back to NC.

 

I'm excited about this event in a few weeks. I think it will actually help me avoid xMM that weekend, given that his family is not going. It's a 2-day off-site event that will fall on St. Patrick's Day weekend, when there are lots of festivities around here and I would have run the risk of a boozy run-in. I am being 100% honest when I say that I now have NO desire for any sort of boozed up interaction with xMM.

 

Lemondrop, do you have any support with all this? Does anyone know? Personally I would avoid an event where eMM would be there but that is just me. It's not about being weak or letting him win, it's about you healing. There will always be some party.

 

I'll tell you, I had a big event last week for this group, it was at night and at the last minute, I cancelled. The guy I was supposed to drive with and the guy running the event, both are friends and know about xMM. It turned out both xMM and I skipped to avoid each other. Both of my friends talked about the situation in private, which I find fascinating. The guy running the event was not happy that this is still carrying on and said how he really though it would blow over and I'd be back to normal and we could all be like before. The guy I was supposed to drive with, a close friend, said it will never blow over, xMM is a d*ck, he never should have said all that I love you stuff and made promises to me and treated me so terribly, that women are different and men can't just go around saying whatever to get in their pants, how it is so wrong.

 

I loved that when I heard it. I said THANK YOU.

 

But I'm still glad I skipped it because even being around these people, who I already see once a week, I just need to take a step back from them all, to heal. Plus, while they are great guys, I need to take a breather from all the guy friends. I actually am going out this coming Friday with a woman for drinks, I asked her out, haha. She is a small business owner like me and I am looking forward to it. I guess where I am going with this is, just like when you quit drinking or drugs you have to remove yourself from everything associated with that (friends, coffee, places), to get over xMM, you may need to really make a fresh start. Does that make sense? At least for maybe 3 months, I understand you are in a small town. But if you go to this St. Patty's party, you are not moving forward, you need to do something totally different. At least this year. JMHO

[lemondrop21]

Lemondrop, do you have any support with all this? Does anyone know? Personally I would avoid an event where eMM would be there but that is just me. It's not about being weak or letting him win, it's about you healing. There will always be some party.

 

I'll tell you, I had a big event last week for this group, it was at night and at the last minute, I cancelled. The guy I was supposed to drive with and the guy running the event, both are friends and know about xMM. It turned out both xMM and I skipped to avoid each other. Both of my friends talked about the situation in private, which I find fascinating. The guy running the event was not happy that this is still carrying on and said how he really though it would blow over and I'd be back to normal and we could all be like before. The guy I was supposed to drive with, a close friend, said it will never blow over, xMM is a d*ck, he never should have said all that I love you stuff and made promises to me and treated me so terribly, that women are different and men can't just go around saying whatever to get in their pants, how it is so wrong.

 

I loved that when I heard it. I said THANK YOU.

 

But I'm still glad I skipped it because even being around these people, who I already see once a week, I just need to take a step back from them all, to heal. Plus, while they are great guys, I need to take a breather from all the guy friends. I actually am going out this coming Friday with a woman for drinks, I asked her out, haha. She is a small business owner like me and I am looking forward to it. I guess where I am going with this is, just like when you quit drinking or drugs you have to remove yourself from everything associated with that (friends, coffee, places), to get over xMM, you may need to really make a fresh start. Does that make sense? At least for maybe 3 months, I understand you are in a small town. But if you go to this St. Patty's party, you are not moving forward, you need to do something totally different. At least this year. JMHO

 

Hi Midnight,

Thanks for your post and I don't think I articulated mine as well as I could have. There are two events the weekend of St Pattys. One is an off-site, 2 day event that has nothing to do whatsoever with St Pattys Day; it just happens to fall that weekend. The other event(s) are the standard St Patty's Day parties that go on around here.

 

I asked exMM if him and/or his family would be attending the off-site thing, which is open to families and doesn't have an alcohol component. He said no, so I signed up to go. Since he is not attending that event, I imagine he'll be around the St Patty's parties here once the kids are in bed; so if I were to stay around here too, I might run into him. So I am specifically avoiding any chance of running into him that weekend.

 

I completely agree with what you say about avoiding him and his family in social situations and am trying to do just that. Probably beyond the first three months... I think it will be an indefinite effort until one of us leaves this community. If it means not re-starting the affair then I'm happy to do it.

[lemondrop21]

Thanks LemonDrop. Since I hit my 40s, I get hit on a lot. Most men are upfront about the fact that they are married and just looking for something on the side as they are not happy but have no intentions of leaving. These are typically men I know in a casual business environment (think not a friend but someone you see occasionally for a professional reason). They are upfront about not having feelings for me other than genuine thinking I am attractive, funny, smart and someone cool to be around, but no romantic feelings. They all love their wives. (As an aside I find this both fascinating and horrifying). Never am I interested as casual sex has never been my thing and I get what I need at home. eMM caught me by saying he had been in love with me for 3 years. At that time I was very lonely in my marriage. In an odd way the other guys are at least honest with me. But so, no, to see xMM flirting - and I can tell because he does this thing where he bites his lower lip and raises his eyebrows and smiles, all at the same time, and I see him doing it to them - I am not jealous. It is easy to find someone who only wants to have sex with me.

 

But yes, I feel used, stupid, hurt, and totally disposable. The last straw, what really did it, was 2 weeks ago, I had tried his request to act like we used to, just regular friendly, and we started texting afterwards, back at our respective jobs and he said how 'I'm not alone (meaning me), he still has all these feelings for me and how we feel the same.' I said, I don't think you have any idea how I feel. And I told him how I wanted to die when we broke up, I was close to suicidal. No response. And that was the last contact on my end. I took that to show me finally, this guy does not care about me. He really only cares about himself and will use whomever to get what he wants. So yes, the next week, he came right up to me and started talking and I acted like he literally was not there. It was great. And it made him nuts because he must win. Granted, my reasons for for ME, not really to hurt him. But only for me to survive. I had been crying every night for 2 months. My husband told me he was worried I was going to hurt myself. It just had to stop. I refuse to let his guy ruin my entire life.

 

For the last two weeks, my marriage is better. I do have bouts of anger and I plan crazy things I would do or say the next time I see him, but then he will win because I will look like a nutcase. But I get headaches from the anger.

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Oh Midnight, this was awful to read. I'm so, so sorry. I'm very glad you've been able to pull yourself away from this mess and do what you need to do for the sake of your mental health - in this case, completely ignore him. I'm also very glad that your husband is supportive and your marriage seems better. You really must have quite an amazing husband from what it sounds like (but I don't recall the details from your earlier posts, in terms of H).

 

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. This man doesn't deserve your tears or pain but sadly he is getting them. But don't give any more of yourself to him. When I was a young teenager I used to self-harm (cut) during a very turbulent time between my parents. That impulse re-emerged lately in the A aftermath, though I haven't given into it; but sometimes I lie there and consider it. It's terrible to have so much anger, tension, even rage, and nowhere to direct it but inward.

 

By the way, the biting the lower lip and raising the eyebrows thing - my exMM does the same. Made me sick to read.

 

Keep pushing on and I'm glad you're hanging in there!

[jenkins95]

Hi lemon

 

Just checking in! How are you doing today? Have you managed to put the awful experience of the party behind you? It was so nice to see those positive posts from you later in the weekend!

 

 

Thinking of you

 

Edit: just seen your updates now LD - for some reason my computer hadn't synch'ed this thread, so I didn't think you'd posted since yesterday! Fully up to date now, and great to see you posting positively!

Edited February 29, 2016 by jenkins95

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh Midnight, this was awful to read. I'm so, so sorry. I'm very glad you've been able to pull yourself away from this mess and do what you need to do for the sake of your mental health - in this case, completely ignore him. I'm also very glad that your husband is supportive and your marriage seems better. You really must have quite an amazing husband from what it sounds like (but I don't recall the details from your earlier posts, in terms of H).

 

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. This man doesn't deserve your tears or pain but sadly he is getting them. But don't give any more of yourself to him. When I was a young teenager I used to self-harm (cut) during a very turbulent time between my parents. That impulse re-emerged lately in the A aftermath, though I haven't given into it; but sometimes I lie there and consider it. It's terrible to have so much anger, tension, even rage, and nowhere to direct it but inward.

 

By the way, the biting the lower lip and raising the eyebrows thing - my exMM does the same. Made me sick to read.

 

Keep pushing on and I'm glad you're hanging in there!

 

Hi Lemondrop. It is difficult. I admit I went two weeks with no contact but then at our meeting this week, I was not as cold. I just....grow tired of using so much energy to be publicly rude. And in a way, I am still giving energy to him by purposely ignoring him. I don't know. It all sucks. The meeting was just rough. I only nodded as a response to his hello but then I admit we started texting a bit at the end and back at our jobs. He acted so completely fine and I just wanted to know how he was over it all so easily. At the risk of looking pathetic (there comes a point when your desire for freedom is greater than your desire for pride) I asked him how he did it, how did he get over it, how was he free, tell me as I want to be free and move on. He said basically, it's an act, he is not over it, he is trying hard but has not moved on. For a few hours, this made me feel better.

 

And then as usual, at night came the crash from talking to him. But I realized I have a choice. I don't need to keep doing this to myself. I can let him walk. Maybe he has all these feelings for me, does it matter? No, I can let him walk, stop holding on, stop trying so hard. Just let it go. I'm trying. I really am. He emailed me a few times today and I said nothing personal. I treated him like any other guy. No talking about our feelings or stuff like that.

 

Now, my good guy friend who knows him does not like me talking to him at all. He says the only reason he is even contacting me is to keep that door open, just in case, for one thing. He was pretty direct. So I will be careful. I just want to be free. It's like I am trapped in a nightmare. I assume you feel like this, you still work with him right?

 

I want to let go. It's so hard. I'm really, really trying. Things with H are good. It helps.

[jenkins95]

Hi Lemondrop. It is difficult. I admit I went two weeks with no contact but then at our meeting this week, I was not as cold. I just....grow tired of using so much energy to be publicly rude. And in a way, I am still giving energy to him by purposely ignoring him. I don't know. It all sucks. The meeting was just rough. I only nodded as a response to his hello but then I admit we started texting a bit at the end and back at our jobs. He acted so completely fine and I just wanted to know how he was over it all so easily. At the risk of looking pathetic (there comes a point when your desire for freedom is greater than your desire for pride) I asked him how he did it, how did he get over it, how was he free, tell me as I want to be free and move on. He said basically, it's an act, he is not over it, he is trying hard but has not moved on. For a few hours, this made me feel better.

 

And then as usual, at night came the crash from talking to him. But I realized I have a choice. I don't need to keep doing this to myself. I can let him walk. Maybe he has all these feelings for me, does it matter? No, I can let him walk, stop holding on, stop trying so hard. Just let it go. I'm trying. I really am. He emailed me a few times today and I said nothing personal. I treated him like any other guy. No talking about our feelings or stuff like that.

 

Now, my good guy friend who knows him does not like me talking to him at all. He says the only reason he is even contacting me is to keep that door open, just in case, for one thing. He was pretty direct. So I will be careful. I just want to be free. It's like I am trapped in a nightmare. I assume you feel like this, you still work with him right?

 

I want to let go. It's so hard. I'm really, really trying. Things with H are good. It helps.

 

Midnight, I have just read lots of your posts. You have been through a lot and I think that you are doing really well.

 

The fact that you see him so often in your group and your community must surely make it more difficult to recover? And I'm sure the same goes for lemondrop. I can't imagine how it would play with my head if I regularly saw and even interacted with my AP. It would be great if you could have complete separation from him - I think you would get over him and get your thoughts clarified much more quickly, but I know that you have to be practical and work with the circumstances that you have. You will recover, but his presence in the community means that it will probably take longer than if he wasn't. No earth shattering enlightenment from me here - it is all pretty obvious I guess!

 

Just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing great in difficult circumstances and am so pleased that things are going well with your H. Keep updating and good luck! You ahev posted some really good stuff to lemondrop.

Edited March 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[lemondrop21]

First of all, Midnight and Jenkins, thank you as always for your thoughts and support. Midnight, don't feel too bad about not being "cold" and about breaking NC - I know, when they are right there and grinning at you and so on, it's SO hard not to be friendly. But just keep focusing what you need to do moving forward in order to heal. I like what you said about continuing to let him walk away. It's a very good way to think about it.

 

Now for my update -

 

I had a long weekend away in [nearby city where everyone goes for long weekends]. One of my friends was there for a training and we spent a good amount of time together and it kept me distracted.

 

I can feel that in terms of the "stages of grief," I'm entering into the depression stage. Especially when I wake up in the morning, everything feels so bleak and I have a hard time getting out of bed. But I'm glad to have moved away from my anger. I know it might come back at certain times, but I was angry for about 7 or 8 days in a row to the point that it was emotionally exhausting.

 

Okay, confession time -

 

Last week, when I asked xMM by text whether his family would be attending an upcoming event, I also asked him if he was free to meet with me in person. I was SO TIRED of being angry and I just wanted to let him have it. I wanted him to hear the anger and sadness in my voice, to see my cry, to feel my pain.

 

Well, when I asked him if he could meet me, he was tied up in meetings the rest of the day and the following morning, so he proposed the following afternoon. When the following afternoon rolled around, I almost had a panic attack. My heart rate shot up, I started sweating and trembling. So I decided, no, I am not doing this. I sent him a quick message saying "Never mind, no need to meet, I only needed to know about the event and you gave me an answer yesterday. Thanks."

 

He responded with "Ok. How's it going, are you ok?" And I ignored. It's been NC ever since.

 

So, there have been three times recently when he's tried to ask some version of "Are you ok?" and I have ignored each one completely. This is either his way of "fishing" to see if he can start things up again, or perhaps he's genuinely concerned, or some combination of the two.

 

The thing is, even if I wasn't doing NC (LC when necessary), how would I even start to answer that question? Am I okay?? Really?? No, I'm not okay. I'm terrible. This A really screwed me up!! Of course I'm not okay!! In fact, I shouldn't be okay!! It would be weird if I was okay right now. I'm not some mindless tramp who was just playing a game. I'm a person with feelings and emotions who loves deeply and fully and who got involved in something awful that not only caused me pain, but others as well. So, no, I am not okay.

 

That last paragraph is basically what played in my head over and over for about a week. But guess what? I'm starting to think about other things, a little. I'm getting excited about reclaiming my identity outside of the A. Yes, I'm sad much of the time, but there are glimmers of hope.

 

And with that said, I might take another few days' break from LS. There are an awful lot of sad breakup posts going on here right now, and as much as I like helping others, I also don't want to get triggered back into a bad place.

 

So I will just say, for those of you who are struggling with an ending right now - I am 7 weeks post breakup, 4 weeks beyond "the slip-up," and 4 weeks of almost all NC with one texting setback. At the beginning, I wouldn't have thought I could make it this far, but here I am. I'm not gonna say it feels great, but I can say confidently that I am starting to have moments of feeling better.

 

Sending best wishes to all of you.

[jenkins95]

Proud of you lemon....... keep going, you are being so strong.

 

I haven't forgotten I owe you a PM.

 

Come back to LS when you are ready. I am thinking of having a little break after NC day 100. Perhaps I've become too dependent on it.

 

Thinking of you! J

[jenkins95]

Lemon, what you said about the 'how are you?' made message me cringe a bit - I did exactly the same when things got difficult the A.

 

If he's anything like me, he's saying it because he's genuinely concerned for your well being. Yes, there may be an element of fishing too, but he genuinely cares and knows he's brought a lot of cr*p into your life.

 

My OW was angry with me when I asked that several times, and I can see why....... It's such an inadequate question under the circumstances..... What does MM expect? 'Oh I'm great thanks, how are you?' My OW told me that in no uncertain terms and I saw immediately how such a casual kind of inquiry could hurt. Then I days something pathetic like...... Well, of course I know things are bad with THIS...... I meant how are things in general - work, etc. Even as I was saying it, I realised how lame it was and wished I hadn't. She said that if I can't be the real me....... The me as I was in the glory days of the a, then she would rather silence than cr*p like that. I totally understood, and I think it's the same for you.

 

Us MMs, we don't look too much to the future in the heat of the A, then when it hits the fan, we don't know what to do, we are like rabbits in the headlights and we end up saying dumb things and acting like big kids, upsetting everyone and looking stupid. We don't mean to, but as these boards show clearly, MMs don't often cover themselves in glory in terms of their behaviour when things get difficult in their As.

 

So sorry you are going through this lemon - you are absolutely heading in the right direction. J

Edited March 5, 2016 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

First of all, Midnight and Jenkins, thank you as always for your thoughts and support. Midnight, don't feel too bad about not being "cold" and about breaking NC - I know, when they are right there and grinning at you and so on, it's SO hard not to be friendly. But just keep focusing what you need to do moving forward in order to heal. I like what you said about continuing to let him walk away. It's a very good way to think about it.

 

Now for my update -

 

I had a long weekend away in [nearby city where everyone goes for long weekends]. One of my friends was there for a training and we spent a good amount of time together and it kept me distracted.

 

I can feel that in terms of the "stages of grief," I'm entering into the depression stage. Especially when I wake up in the morning, everything feels so bleak and I have a hard time getting out of bed. But I'm glad to have moved away from my anger. I know it might come back at certain times, but I was angry for about 7 or 8 days in a row to the point that it was emotionally exhausting.

 

Okay, confession time -

 

Last week, when I asked xMM by text whether his family would be attending an upcoming event, I also asked him if he was free to meet with me in person. I was SO TIRED of being angry and I just wanted to let him have it. I wanted him to hear the anger and sadness in my voice, to see my cry, to feel my pain.

 

Well, when I asked him if he could meet me, he was tied up in meetings the rest of the day and the following morning, so he proposed the following afternoon. When the following afternoon rolled around, I almost had a panic attack. My heart rate shot up, I started sweating and trembling. So I decided, no, I am not doing this. I sent him a quick message saying "Never mind, no need to meet, I only needed to know about the event and you gave me an answer yesterday. Thanks."

 

He responded with "Ok. How's it going, are you ok?" And I ignored. It's been NC ever since.

 

So, there have been three times recently when he's tried to ask some version of "Are you ok?" and I have ignored each one completely. This is either his way of "fishing" to see if he can start things up again, or perhaps he's genuinely concerned, or some combination of the two.

 

The thing is, even if I wasn't doing NC (LC when necessary), how would I even start to answer that question? Am I okay?? Really?? No, I'm not okay. I'm terrible. This A really screwed me up!! Of course I'm not okay!! In fact, I shouldn't be okay!! It would be weird if I was okay right now. I'm not some mindless tramp who was just playing a game. I'm a person with feelings and emotions who loves deeply and fully and who got involved in something awful that not only caused me pain, but others as well. So, no, I am not okay.

 

That last paragraph is basically what played in my head over and over for about a week. But guess what? I'm starting to think about other things, a little. I'm getting excited about reclaiming my identity outside of the A. Yes, I'm sad much of the time, but there are glimmers of hope.

 

And with that said, I might take another few days' break from LS. There are an awful lot of sad breakup posts going on here right now, and as much as I like helping others, I also don't want to get triggered back into a bad place.

 

So I will just say, for those of you who are struggling with an ending right now - I am 7 weeks post breakup, 4 weeks beyond "the slip-up," and 4 weeks of almost all NC with one texting setback. At the beginning, I wouldn't have thought I could make it this far, but here I am. I'm not gonna say it feels great, but I can say confidently that I am starting to have moments of feeling better.

 

Sending best wishes to all of you.

 

Hi Lemon, you did the right thing by not meeting him. You might have felt momentarily better getting your anger off your chest but quiet dignity in the long run is probably better. The last few weeks I worked with my xMM the "are you ok?" text or email drove me bananas. If I responded with I'm ok, I'm feeling better about everything he would almost seemed pleased, as if it alleviated some of his guilt and would say "that's good to hear, I've been worried about you". If I said no I wasn't doing ok he would launch into some big email justifying and rationalizing our A to the point it was laughable.

 

I find myself going back and forth between the "stages". Yesterday I was back in the angry stage again. I've also gone back and forth with the bargaining stage too. It is such a process!!

[Grey Cloud]

Proud of you lemon....... keep going, you are being so strong.

 

I haven't forgotten I owe you a PM.

 

Come back to LS when you are ready. I am thinking of having a little break after NC day 100. Perhaps I've become too dependent on it.

 

Thinking of you! J

 

My initial reaction to this is NOOOOOOO, Jenkins can't take a break from LS! Only due to purely selfish reasons because you are 100 days further ahead of me in NC and I think if he can do it, I can too! And I look to you for inspiration! However, if LS is triggering you or not allowing you to move on then OF COURSE you need to do the best thing for you and your M. All I wanted to say is that I can see some other posters are questioning your reasons for helping OW on the other board. Don't let that be the sole reason for your decision on taking a break. If LS is providing support make sure you are making the right decision for YOU and not what on others think

[jenkins95]

My initial reaction to this is NOOOOOOO, Jenkins can't take a break from LS! Only due to purely selfish reasons because you are 100 days further ahead of me in NC and I think if he can do it, I can too! And I look to you for inspiration! However, if LS is triggering you or not allowing you to move on then OF COURSE you need to do the best thing for you and your M. All I wanted to say is that I can see some other posters are questioning your reasons for helping OW on the other board. Don't let that be the sole reason for your decision on taking a break. If LS is providing support make sure you are making the right decision for YOU and not what on others think

 

Oh Grey Cloud! That's so sweet of you! It's lovely to know that my presence here is a support to your recovery! That message really moved me Please also know that you have also been and continue to be a massive support to me too. I know I've said it many times, but the timing of your first post was amazing - it's as though it was written for me in that exact moment when I needed reassurance that I was on the right path. All my doubts were immediately extinguished when I read your brave, vulnerable words! Your posts since then have also been great. I feel like we have built a little gang on here and it's great.

 

And it's your turn to read my mind! Some of the comments I've received elsewhere, although they have been very fair and very respectful, have made me question what I am doing here, they've also made me feel a little down, which showed me just how vulnerable I still am. One poster said that my story and my attitude in my posts made him laugh. I know he didn't mean to be cruel in any way at all - he was just trying to be light hearted, as I often try to be, but it actually made me feel very flat and question how I must appear to others. I also feel I have been guilty of hijacking some threads a little bit - like yours GC - and I'm doing it again now on lemon's! I also wonder sometimes if I get a bit too dependent on hanging around LS, and whether a break might be an idea.

 

But I definitely wouldn't leave long term, this place is great - meeting you all and discussing our issues is really doing wonders for my recovery and there are some very key dates which I definitely wouldn't miss...... Like all of our 100 day NC parties! It's just that I noticed that lemon recently took a few days break and has just talked about doing another one. It seems to be working for her like that, so I thought maybe I would try the same - just for a few days, and step back a little bit.

 

Anyway, great to see your posts today (brilliant as ever). You've cheered me up as you always do!

 

Keep them coming GC, and have a great weekend!

Edited March 6, 2016 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

Oh Grey Cloud! That's so sweet of you! It's lovely to know that my presence here is a support to your recovery! That message really moved me Please also know that you have also been and continue to be a massive support to me too. I know I've said it many times, but the timing of your first post was amazing - it's as though it was written for me in that exact moment when I needed reassurance that I was on the right path. All my doubts were immediately extinguished when I read your brave, vulnerable words! Your posts since then have also been amazing. I feel like we have built a little gang on here and it's great.

 

And it's your turn to read my mind! Some of the comments I've received elsewhere, although they have been very fair and very respectful, have made me question what I am doing here, they've also made me feel a little down, which showed me just how vulnerable I still am. One poster said that my story and my attitude in my posts made him laugh. I know he didn't mean to be cruel in any way at all - he was just trying to be light hearted, as I often try to be, but it actually made me feel very flat and question how I must appear to others. I also feel I have been guilty of hijacking some threads a little bit - like yours GC - and I'm doing it again now on lemon's! I also wonder sometimes if I get a bit too dependent on hanging around LS, and whether a break might be an idea.

 

But I definitely wouldn't leave long term, this place is great -and there are some very key dates which I definitely wouldn't miss...... Like all of our 100 day NC parties! It's just that I noticed that lemon recently took a few days break and has just talked about doing another one. It seems to be working fit her like that, so I thought maybe I would try the same - just for a few days!

 

Anyway, great to see your posts today (brilliant as ever). You've cheered me up as you always do!

 

Keep them coming GC, and have a great weekend!

 

I completely understand and that is why this forum is so valuable because it does ask the tough questions of ourselves, uncomfortable as it may be.

 

I am sure I will be taking breaks from LS in the future as I continue to heal, but for now reading everyone else's stories helps me realise I am not alone and keeps me on the right track moving forwards. Helps me understands the why's and to know I am not unique in my story, that all these A's tend to follow the same path and an inevitable NC solution.

 

You do what is right for you and know for every person that questions your intentions there is another person who you help and is gaining invaluable support from what you write

 

Enjoy your weekend too and sorry LD for hijacking your thread!

[RRM321]

Last week, when I asked xMM by text whether his family would be attending an upcoming event, I also asked him if he was free to meet with me in person. I was SO TIRED of being angry and I just wanted to let him have it. I wanted him to hear the anger and sadness in my voice, to see my cry, to feel my pain.

 

It's empathy that got you into this mess. You're subconscious knows how to get that back - which is why you: "wanted him to hear the anger and sadness in my voice, to see my cry, to feel my pain."

 

Sure, you need compassion and support but, you cannot seek him out or even allow him to be the source of that.

 

Not meeting him is very important if you want to get past this. You also can't unload your pain on him via phone, text, or any other communication because that's just another way of bonding.

Edited March 6, 2016 by RRM321

[Lovetoohard]

Lemon, I'm so glad you took some time out and treated yourself to a fabulous trip! A change in scenery does wonders for the soul. Regardless of whether you're dealing with a tough phase in your life, it's just good practice to take a beat and savor life.

 

I am sorry that you're going through the depression stage, but happy to hear that you're past the anger stage. I've certainly had moments where I struggled to get out of bed, but guess what, just like you pushed past the anger phase, you'll push past this too. As far as practical advice goes, working out intensely and eating well did wonders to get the endorphins going and combat the depressive episodes, and i'm going to sound obnoxious when I say this, but the lovely side effect of my ass looking awesome in my favorite jeans was pretty awesome.

 

Sending you happy thoughts...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight, I have just read lots of your posts. You have been through a lot and I think that you are doing really well.

 

The fact that you see him so often in your group and your community must surely make it more difficult to recover? And I'm sure the same goes for lemondrop. I can't imagine how it would play with my head if I regularly saw and even interacted with my AP. It would be great if you could have complete separation from him - I think you would get over him and get your thoughts clarified much more quickly, but I know that you have to be practical and work with the circumstances that you have. You will recover, but his presence in the community means that it will probably take longer than if he wasn't. No earth shattering enlightenment from me here - it is all pretty obvious I guess!

 

Just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing great in difficult circumstances and am so pleased that things are going well with your H. Keep updating and good luck! You ahev posted some really good stuff to lemondrop.

 

Hi Jenkins, I have read your posts too. It's odd to read the male perspective. I hope you do stay here although I know what you mean. I really only read this thread, there are just too many and new names with the same old story. I was interested to see how the few people I recognize were doing.

 

My personal update, 10 weeks since breakup: Something changed this week for me. I had a bunch of non-xMM related things happen in my life (non H) and it just pushed me over a hump in my mind. Simply put, without noticing it, I let go of my anger for xMM. I just was/am focused on other things, serious things. At the same time, as if he sensed it, we had some texting, very little, a few emails work related, a little contact each day. Nothing really personal, I have not shared anything in my life with him, nor he with me. But this time, I really wasn't anything.

 

Friday morning I told him that I wanted to let him know that I wasn't mad anymore, or sad, or anything (I've send some seriously mean texts and emails). That I was ready to heal and I was going to be okay. And I actually said he did the right thing, he didn't want to leave her, so he let me go, and I actually thanked him for the sort of NC the last 10 weeks. He responded with that he really did care about me and I was going to be fine. Then that night, he was out on a date with W and he sent me a text telling me this and that he would check in later with me. It was odd and unnecessary, something from back when we were together. "I'm out with her. I'll check in later." and then later that evening, he texted "I love you. You must know I still do". I just said, I really didn't know, I couldn't tell, but it was okay. Maybe its okay to love someone and as long as you don't act on it, maybe that is life, it's all about the timing.

 

So I communicated this all to my guy friend Saturday who knows xMM and he did not think it was nice or sweet, he was highly alarmed. He has read my daily emails which probably equal the length of Moby Dick at this point and we've talked a lot on this topic. He calls xMM "the weasel" and says that although he believes I am feeling better, it would not take much for me to backslide and feel bad again. He is emphatic that xMM does not love me at all and is only setting the stage. He says it will be slow, so slow I won't realize it, he will creep back in and he is only looking for one thing - sex. He was not happy at all that I was even communicating with him and said I need to stop, that I think I am in control and I am not because I do not understand how men think, that when they go without sex, it drives them insane, that xMM only wants to use me.

 

I do not really see this but I agreed to be cautious. I don't see him approaching me, he's been pretty dead set on fixing his marital problems and has totally ignored me the last 10 weeks but I trust a guys input. Obviously I am a bad judge of character.

 

I still feel pretty good, I feel more like the old me and I don't want to ever feel like I did back in December. Things are good with H. He told me today that he has been good with his NC, well he sees her but they have limited contact. He says its easier for him to just ignore her. I said to H, I'm glad I did not run and I had to interact with xMM, it was a growth lesson and I feel like I am really coming out of it now. I said in a way, hiding is not good either, although I do understand NC works for H. He has wondered if OW hates him and how her life is going but he knows it would be bad for her if he contacted her as it would confuse her. (probably him as well)

 

I do believe my friend has a point as when I told xMM I had been nearly suicidal after our breakup, he did not ever respond. If he really cared about me, he would have said something.

 

You are a guy, what do you think?

[Josmatjes]

Hi Jenkins, I have read your posts too. It's odd to read the male perspective. I hope you do stay here although I know what you mean. I really only read this thread, there are just too many and new names with the same old story. I was interested to see how the few people I recognize were doing.

 

My personal update, 10 weeks since breakup: Something changed this week for me. I had a bunch of non-xMM related things happen in my life (non H) and it just pushed me over a hump in my mind. Simply put, without noticing it, I let go of my anger for xMM. I just was/am focused on other things, serious things. At the same time, as if he sensed it, we had some texting, very little, a few emails work related, a little contact each day. Nothing really personal, I have not shared anything in my life with him, nor he with me. But this time, I really wasn't anything.

 

Friday morning I told him that I wanted to let him know that I wasn't mad anymore, or sad, or anything (I've send some seriously mean texts and emails). That I was ready to heal and I was going to be okay. And I actually said he did the right thing, he didn't want to leave her, so he let me go, and I actually thanked him for the sort of NC the last 10 weeks. He responded with that he really did care about me and I was going to be fine. Then that night, he was out on a date with W and he sent me a text telling me this and that he would check in later with me. It was odd and unnecessary, something from back when we were together. "I'm out with her. I'll check in later." and then later that evening, he texted "I love you. You must know I still do". I just said, I really didn't know, I couldn't tell, but it was okay. Maybe its okay to love someone and as long as you don't act on it, maybe that is life, it's all about the timing.

 

So I communicated this all to my guy friend Saturday who knows xMM and he did not think it was nice or sweet, he was highly alarmed. He has read my daily emails which probably equal the length of Moby Dick at this point and we've talked a lot on this topic. He calls xMM "the weasel" and says that although he believes I am feeling better, it would not take much for me to backslide and feel bad again. He is emphatic that xMM does not love me at all and is only setting the stage. He says it will be slow, so slow I won't realize it, he will creep back in and he is only looking for one thing - sex. He was not happy at all that I was even communicating with him and said I need to stop, that I think I am in control and I am not because I do not understand how men think, that when they go without sex, it drives them insane, that xMM only wants to use me.

 

I do not really see this but I agreed to be cautious. I don't see him approaching me, he's been pretty dead set on fixing his marital problems and has totally ignored me the last 10 weeks but I trust a guys input. Obviously I am a bad judge of character.

 

I still feel pretty good, I feel more like the old me and I don't want to ever feel like I did back in December. Things are good with H. He told me today that he has been good with his NC, well he sees her but they have limited contact. He says its easier for him to just ignore her. I said to H, I'm glad I did not run and I had to interact with xMM, it was a growth lesson and I feel like I am really coming out of it now. I said in a way, hiding is not good either, although I do understand NC works for H. He has wondered if OW hates him and how her life is going but he knows it would be bad for her if he contacted her as it would confuse her. (probably him as well)

 

I do believe my friend has a point as when I told xMM I had been nearly suicidal after our breakup, he did not ever respond. If he really cared about me, he would have said something.

 

You are a guy, what do you think?

 

 

Wow! I just read this and it just hit a nerve in me. My xmm did the same thing to me, like the texting when he was out saying he'd check in later. He did that to me when we were no contact and he saw my car and he called me but it said no caller I'd so I answered it. I was pretty cold w yes and no answers and he's like ok ill call you tomorrow! He didn't thank god but then he texted me from another number a few days later and I think it's like your friend says, it happens so slowly that you don't even realize it! It's awful how ey can do that to someone. I went through severe depression over this over the past year and when I told him he changed the subject!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow! I just read this and it just hit a nerve in me. My xmm did the same thing to me, like the texting when he was out saying he'd check in later. He did that to me when we were no contact and he saw my car and he called me but it said no caller I'd so I answered it. I was pretty cold w yes and no answers and he's like ok ill call you tomorrow! He didn't thank god but then he texted me from another number a few days later and I think it's like your friend says, it happens so slowly that you don't even realize it! It's awful how ey can do that to someone. I went through severe depression over this over the past year and when I told him he changed the subject!

 

Texting you from different numbers...well I can only think your xMM was either really confused or doing it on purpose to keep you on the hook - or probably both. I can relate to yours not caring about your depression, I went through a similar thing. I was in serious pain and reached out and he completely ignored me. Even my H says that watching me was scary, it was as if I was going to just die from the pain. xMM did not care and even ignored me, saying he was not allowed to talk to me. So.....what happened to that person? I can't trust myself but both my husband and my guy friend said, xMM does not love you. Even H was surprised at the complete detachment of xMM.

 

I'm happy to say though that at 10 weeks out, I do not feel like that anymore. I do admit I still have feelings for him but it's nothing like the agonizing sheer raw pain I went through. And I'll never go back. He almost destroyed me.

 

It was nice to hear him say I love you though, I will admit that. After 10 weeks of coldness, I got that ah-ha moment.

[MidnightBlue1980]

First of all, Midnight and Jenkins, thank you as always for your thoughts and support. Midnight, don't feel too bad about not being "cold" and about breaking NC - I know, when they are right there and grinning at you and so on, it's SO hard not to be friendly. But just keep focusing what you need to do moving forward in order to heal. I like what you said about continuing to let him walk away. It's a very good way to think about it.

 

Now for my update -

 

I had a long weekend away in [nearby city where everyone goes for long weekends]. One of my friends was there for a training and we spent a good amount of time together and it kept me distracted.

 

I can feel that in terms of the "stages of grief," I'm entering into the depression stage. Especially when I wake up in the morning, everything feels so bleak and I have a hard time getting out of bed. But I'm glad to have moved away from my anger. I know it might come back at certain times, but I was angry for about 7 or 8 days in a row to the point that it was emotionally exhausting.

 

Okay, confession time -

 

Last week, when I asked xMM by text whether his family would be attending an upcoming event, I also asked him if he was free to meet with me in person. I was SO TIRED of being angry and I just wanted to let him have it. I wanted him to hear the anger and sadness in my voice, to see my cry, to feel my pain.

 

Well, when I asked him if he could meet me, he was tied up in meetings the rest of the day and the following morning, so he proposed the following afternoon. When the following afternoon rolled around, I almost had a panic attack. My heart rate shot up, I started sweating and trembling. So I decided, no, I am not doing this. I sent him a quick message saying "Never mind, no need to meet, I only needed to know about the event and you gave me an answer yesterday. Thanks."

 

He responded with "Ok. How's it going, are you ok?" And I ignored. It's been NC ever since.

 

So, there have been three times recently when he's tried to ask some version of "Are you ok?" and I have ignored each one completely. This is either his way of "fishing" to see if he can start things up again, or perhaps he's genuinely concerned, or some combination of the two.

 

The thing is, even if I wasn't doing NC (LC when necessary), how would I even start to answer that question? Am I okay?? Really?? No, I'm not okay. I'm terrible. This A really screwed me up!! Of course I'm not okay!! In fact, I shouldn't be okay!! It would be weird if I was okay right now. I'm not some mindless tramp who was just playing a game. I'm a person with feelings and emotions who loves deeply and fully and who got involved in something awful that not only caused me pain, but others as well. So, no, I am not okay.

 

That last paragraph is basically what played in my head over and over for about a week. But guess what? I'm starting to think about other things, a little. I'm getting excited about reclaiming my identity outside of the A. Yes, I'm sad much of the time, but there are glimmers of hope.

 

And with that said, I might take another few days' break from LS. There are an awful lot of sad breakup posts going on here right now, and as much as I like helping others, I also don't want to get triggered back into a bad place.

 

So I will just say, for those of you who are struggling with an ending right now - I am 7 weeks post breakup, 4 weeks beyond "the slip-up," and 4 weeks of almost all NC with one texting setback. At the beginning, I wouldn't have thought I could make it this far, but here I am. I'm not gonna say it feels great, but I can say confidently that I am starting to have moments of feeling better.

 

Sending best wishes to all of you.

 

LemonDrop, I hope you had a nice weekend away. Don't worry about the slip-ups. We all do it. I really just checked your post, I relate to the sad posts. We have to be careful. I'm glad you did not see him though. It really doesn't matter what he really wanted, this is about you now. Getting better. We are drug addicts and these guys are cocaine. I promise you though, one day you will feel better and you won't even realize it until it occurs to you how unimportant he is. It will happen. Stay strong.

[Josmatjes]

Texting you from different numbers...well I can only think your xMM was either really confused or doing it on purpose to keep you on the hook - or probably both. I can relate to yours not caring about your depression, I went through a similar thing. I was in serious pain and reached out and he completely ignored me. Even my H says that watching me was scary, it was as if I was going to just die from the pain. xMM did not care and even ignored me, saying he was not allowed to talk to me. So.....what happened to that person? I can't trust myself but both my husband and my guy friend said, xMM does not love you. Even H was surprised at the complete detachment of xMM.

 

I'm happy to say though that at 10 weeks out, I do not feel like that anymore. I do admit I still have feelings for him but it's nothing like the agonizing sheer raw pain I went through. And I'll never go back. He almost destroyed me.

 

It was nice to hear him say I love you though, I will admit that. After 10 weeks of coldness, I got that ah-ha moment.

 

He texted me from a different number because I had him blocked.the most I've gone is 9 weeks and he weasels his way in and I admit I was weak. I think somehow I convinced myself he still loved and missed me but your friend is right, they want sex and that's it! It hurts knowing that's what it's been reduced too. I'm in therapy over this and I think I hit rock bottom two weeks ago. I need this no contact to stick cause I want out!

I think the end of affairs hurt so much is because we then question ourselves and our judgement. An affair takes your values your morals, your self esteem and makes you question everything! If you were wrong about this man loving you than how can you ever trust yourself again?? It's terrible. I'm still working on healing and finding a balance. Whatever you do don't let this guy backin! You are doing great!

[ShatteredLady]

MidnightBlue. Your post was so sad. It made me cry. Your friend is so right!!!

 

This, "Then that night, he was out on a date with W and he sent me a text telling me this and that he would check in later with me. It was odd and unnecessary, something from back when we were together. "I'm out with her. I'll check in later." and then later that evening, he texted "I love you. You must know I still do"." ISN'T NICE!!!

 

That's brutal & cruel. It's NOT working on his marriage! He texted you while he was on a date because you opened the door, just a crack & he couldn't resist.

 

I'm sorry. Bad week.

 

Why does any woman want a man who can be that disrespectful? Ugh!! He must truly HATE his wife or he has zero empathy. His words & actions scream.

OMG!! What has she done to deserve this? What have you done to deserve that? "I love you. I will play with you. Help you recover by reminding you what you've lost while I'm on a 'recovery date' with the old ball & chain". Lovely.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue. Your post was so sad. It made me cry. Your friend is so right!!!

 

This, "Then that night, he was out on a date with W and he sent me a text telling me this and that he would check in later with me. It was odd and unnecessary, something from back when we were together. "I'm out with her. I'll check in later." and then later that evening, he texted "I love you. You must know I still do"." ISN'T NICE!!!

 

That's brutal & cruel. It's NOT working on his marriage! He texted you while he was on a date because you opened the door, just a crack & he couldn't resist.

 

I'm sorry. Bad week.

 

Why does any woman want a man who can be that disrespectful? Ugh!! He must truly HATE his wife or he has zero empathy. His words & actions scream.

OMG!! What has she done to deserve this? What have you done to deserve that? "I love you. I will play with you. Help you recover by reminding you what you've lost while I'm on a 'recovery date' with the old ball & chain". Lovely.

 

He's not a nice guy. He said a lot of bad stuff about his wife. He really put her down. He does hate her but he was honest that he was not going to pay her alimony and child support. He was really clear that he wanted us to have a relationship on the side of our marriages. He thought it made a lot of sense as I have kids etc. He had it all planned out. My H told his wife everything. But here is the thing, xMM is a really good liar, he told her he had ED when he really has no attraction, it'd been years. I know this is true because H confirmed it with her. He told his wife that I was this crazy stalker and he was pursued by me and succumbed to me because of all the problems she brought to their marriage.

 

Of course you are wondering, what on Earth do you see in this guy? I can't tell you. They are just really good at what they do. He snowed her, he snowed me - he even snowed my H! Even my H admitted xMM is a master manipulator.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He texted me from a different number because I had him blocked.the most I've gone is 9 weeks and he weasels his way in and I admit I was weak. I think somehow I convinced myself he still loved and missed me but your friend is right, they want sex and that's it! It hurts knowing that's what it's been reduced too. I'm in therapy over this and I think I hit rock bottom two weeks ago. I need this no contact to stick cause I want out!

I think the end of affairs hurt so much is because we then question ourselves and our judgement. An affair takes your values your morals, your self esteem and makes you question everything! If you were wrong about this man loving you than how can you ever trust yourself again?? It's terrible. I'm still working on healing and finding a balance. Whatever you do don't let this guy backin! You are doing great!

 

Well we all have bad judgement at times, but I hear you. First of all, just about all men want sex, so you can't blame them for that. When I was single, I got used and fooled too. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Don't close yourself off from other guys (assuming you are single here) because of this guy. You just can't tell. But know that nothing good will come from a guy in a relationship, and I'm right there with you on that. Don't beat yourself up or the whole male gender. You made a mistake. There are plenty of good guys out there. But they are awkward and goofy, not the slick guys who are married and use words of love to catch women in their web.