Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

I did the back and forth as well with NC, communication, NC, circular going nowhere talking. I can tell you that as long as you do not get back into the affair, you will simple eventually be talked out. You will see it is pointless, going nowhere drama. At first it actually feels like of empty, like when you try on a dress you used to feel fabulous in and now you look at yourself and think, exactly what did I see in this dress? The dress didn't change. You did. But then you stick it in the poor bag and go buy a new dress. And never think about that dress again unless you see it in pictures and think, that dress really was not for me.

 

Yep, and that's what's been happening. I'm not sure how MM and I manage to have the same conversation so many times. For a week or so it felt like the A was back on in some ways, but not really. Like we were both grasping at memories of something that's really just dead, dead, dead. Once the illusions have been broken it really just can't be the same, at least not in this type of A.

 

The good news is that I don't feel like I'm back at the beginning of my healing. I'm not in denial. Everything that has happened is clear to me. But it's depressing. So that's where I'm at. Settling back into depression.

 

That said, I'm going to continue taking a stab at dating this new guy, slowly. We'll see where it goes.

[imperfectangel]

LD, m so glad you posted! I've been thinking about how you were getting over the last few days

 

I understand the feelings of injustice I feel them as well and even though he doesn't have others to deal with (d day etc) he still has to look st himself in the mirror every day and I'm sure he is struggling. I just think men (in general) find it easy to switch off and compartmentalise

[privategal]

Trust me karma finds a way. Your anger is normal. Im so sorry you got hurt. Its brutal how fast they switch back to life. But they never do get over it cause they never fully dealt with it, faced it, greived it or healed. So the pain underneath and inside them remains. Its their own special hell. You best believe he wont ever tell you this but he KNOWS he is a giant AHole!

Maybe you can move away one day! Hugs!

[rainbowsandkittens]

Do we honestly think they deal with it? That they suffer like us? I truly wonder. I don't understand compartmentalizing at all. It seems to me like they just.... move on. And some of them just go on to do it over and over.

 

Sorry, I'm having a day.

 

Hugs to you, Lemon! I totally understand the anger. And that you're still going out with the new guy! Slow is good!!!

[Lovetoohard]

Lemon, I have to admit that I've had some moments where I didn't want to delete or throw away any evidence of our A because a tiny little part of me wanted to tell the whole world, including his wife, that this man and I had this relationship and it was real, but yet, there he is, walking around in broad daylight as a doting father and husband, and nobody knows that he has a dirty little secret. I felt that I was the one that is left with long lasting consequences from the affair and there was minimal impact on him. I remember he used to say to me, "talk the one that loves you if you're hurting," a few weeks after the breakup and I lashed out at him in anger because how can talking to the very source of my hurt make it better?

 

A couple of days ago one of my close friends, who also knows xMM but isn't that close to him anymore called to say that xMM had contacted her to see how she was (weird given that they don't really talk anymore so it was totally out of the blue) and then he proceeded to ask how I was. Just like that. Just so casually. My friend hates him for me because of the the way he played me and cut the conversation short with him. I don't know why this sent me into a tailspin. I ended up going to my favorite neighborhood restaurant and was hanging out at the bar and a married guy sitting next to me started talking. It was casual, mostly commentary on a soccer game on the TV. I was in self destructive mode and had way too many drinks and asked him why married men cheat. What is the psychology behind it? He proceeds to tell me that he's cheated on his wife before with 3-4 women but that he's happy in his marriage. I mean, here we are chatting about soccer and he just throws that little fact in so casually. In my drunken state, I totally bitched him out on the damage this does to people because of his selfish needs. I vaguely remember him uncomfortably mumbling an apology and saying he didn't mean to offend me. I bolted outta there as soon as I could and came home and cried my eyes out. I am angry at xMM for taking away my innocence and about love, marriage, and loyalty. He opened me up to a deep, dark and awful world that I didn't want to be exposed to. I think it's scarred me for the rest of my life. He, on the other hand, gets to go about his life with his little secret, hidden away safely.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[jenkins95]

Some really heartfelt posts guys. I see that your xMMs did so much damage, as did I

 

All I would say is that even if we appear to get over it immediately and move on, we really don't. At least I don't, and I think I'm a pretty typical man. We may not openly show it and we are not as good at opening up and talking as women, but we carry it inside.

 

Months after my affair, I am committed to reconciliation, maintain NC with my xOW (who I wish all the best luck in the world, by the way) and am hopefully doing everything I should be doing in recovery.

 

But inside my head is a mess - a jumble of regret, sadness, guilt, doubt, disbelief, loss and confusion....... and I still pine for her

 

That said, I am gradually moving in the right direction and am generally optimistic that recovery will proceed, albeit slowly, but I just wanted you to know that it isn't as black and white as it may seem. I'd be amazed if every one of your xMMs is not suffering his own personal hell. It just outwardly looks very different to yours and he is an expert in hiding his emotions - us guys are like that, and it's not really healthy at all.

 

Good luck all! Things will eventually get better for us all.(((group hug)))

[jenkins95]

(((Lemondrop)))

 

Great to see you back - we've missed you!

 

I'll have more to write soon but I just wanted to say that your little idea may actually be a really good plan, but minus the threat......

 

i.e. instead of saying "You have six months to find a job and leave the community or I will tell your wife everything", how about this......

 

"If there really is a part of you that loves me, cares for me and wants the best for me, you will do everything in your power to find a job and leave the community. If you haven't left in six months, then you will force me to do so instead, and I really don't think that's fair. Please do it for me."

 

Just an idea. I really feel for you lemon - seeing him around in close proximity almost every day most make recovery almost impossible and NC very hard to stick to. I'm lucky that there is distance between me and my xOW and we don't work together. It's still really difficult and I struggle a lot, but I think it would be torture if I saw her every day. It would be very difficult not to reach out.

 

Stay strong lemon, you are amazing and we are here for you. Keep those posts coming! J

[MidnightBlue1980]

To preface, I will NEVER do this. Ever. It would hurt children who don't deserve to be hurt and ultimately is selfish on my part. But I need to vent/fantasize so I am doing that here -

 

There is this evil part of me that wants to blackmail xMM in order to make him leave our community. I want to tell him that he has 6 months to find a job elsewhere and go, otherwise on September 31 his wife will receive a package from me containing his emails and photo evidence... and then they would definitely leave as that crisis unfolded. She wouldn't leave him (well, maybe temporarily) but she would insist on leaving here and moving back to their home country, I'm sure. So, regardless of how they leave, this would give me peace and would allow me to move on without constantly worrying whether I'm going to see them at the grocery store or the movie theater or some community event.

 

I just get so angry sometimes because he doesn't deserve to stay here and make my life miserable and get his damn promotion and walk around like a proud peacock with everyone thinking he's such a wonderful guy, and me having to always watch out for his family everywhere and suffer silently. He came after me, he told me his marriage was dead and blah blah, yes I played my part in this but it sickens me that he gets off Scot-free.

 

Again, guys, I'm not actually going to disclose or blackmail or anything. I'm not that evil, I just have dark moments. Besides, it would potentially destroy my reputation as well. At the end of they day I have absolutely no power.

 

Hi Lemon.

 

I'm not sure if this makes you feel better or worse but most likely the W probably knows and if she found out, nothing would change. You'd only make yourself look bad and people would know. You don't want that. Your power is to yourself, to pick up and live your life.

 

Don't think I don't understand. Oh I do. In my situation, I've cut off completely now for 2 weeks - I do see him once a week but at least I have finally cut off the texting and emailing. The last was 2 weeks ago, him saying how he was not having sex with her still (over 3 years now) but he was still going to try to work things out with her, but I was so special to him and so on. My best guy friend (who knows him) was like, OMG you have to stop this immediately, don't respond, just never respond again. And so I didn't, And he didn't write back. We saw each other a week ago and he was really staring at me, trying to make conversation but I felt in control, and I thought I was okay.

 

Well, control is a myth when its based on how another person is acting towards you. That means they hold the control. Yesterday I was saw him and he comes up to me and tells me about his Easter and how his wife does all this Easter stuff with candy for their kid. I was really flabbergasted. Obviously I know he is married but I had told him I could not be his friend and if he had to talk to me, there are a million other topics he could mention. After all, we are there for business, its not a social group. It just really showed me how completely nothing I ever meant to him, a complete lack of consideration for my feelings. I didn't say much at that moment but it was a miracle, as I was leaving, he was slowly driving by waving at me, and I gestured to roll down the window. He did, with this big smile for me, and I just said

 

"Don't talk about your wife to me, okay?" And he looked gutted but said OK. Which is amazing really, that he was hurt by me. I'm sitting here typing this, shaking my head. I was pretty clear we are not friends, I specially said we can be friendly, but we cannot be friends. Did he say that to hurt me or is he just a complete moron? My guy friend came out and when I told him, he said that it was definitely odd, they had spoken and he did not mention his wife at all. He did say that he saw all these happy Easter pics on his FC of xMM and his wife and it really blew his mind. SO to answer you Lemon, she knows and does not care. She does not even care to sleep with him. She does not care that he is there to torture me.

 

I don't know. I do know that I needed to really put up iron fences because this guy, every time I think I am safe, he comes at me from another direction. I went and blocked him and his wife on FB - we are not friends but we have a lot of mutual friends (so stuff might pop up) and we are in a FB group together. I've seen him in the group reading my posts. Now he can't. I've gone dark. I won't be like before, obviously ignoring him to make a point, staring and acting wounded but I will just stay away from him 100%. Part of me feels like he wants to wound me while part of me feels like he's crazy - like he's mentally white-washed the past and he seriously thinks we can be back like its 2014, that he had convinced himself none of it happened. Either one is bad. It happened and we can never be friends. He did not treat me well (yes, I know I know, its an A, but still, there are things I can't type out here). He's just not a good guy. He wants his wife and his sexless marriage. Leave me alone.

 

But I'm set way back now. But at least I didn't cry.

[MidnightBlue1980]

(((Lemondrop)))

 

Great to see you back - we've missed you!

 

I'll have more to write soon but I just wanted to say that your little idea may actually be a really good plan, but minus the threat......

 

i.e. instead of saying "You have six months to find a job and leave the community or I will tell your wife everything", how about this......

 

"If there really is a part of you that loves me, cares for me and wants the best for me, you will do everything in your power to find a job and leave the community. If you haven't left in six months, then you will force me to do so instead, and I really don't think that's fair. Please do it for me."

 

Just an idea. I really feel for you lemon - seeing him around in close proximity almost every day most make recovery almost impossible and NC very hard to stick to. I'm lucky that there is distance between me and my xOW and we don't work together. It's still really difficult and I struggle a lot, but I think it would be torture if I saw her every day. It would be very difficult not to reach out.

 

Stay strong lemon, you are amazing and we are here for you. Keep those posts coming! J

 

Hi Jenkins,

 

I asked xMM to transfer out of our group. He neither works nor lives in my town and he said no, so I doubt Lemons's guy would make such a drastic change.

 

It is torture to see them. You are lucky. I don't work with him, it's only once a week but its a constant setback. Some weeks are better but this one was bad. He is just so fine, and I'm not. I sometimes think I am over it but then I'm not. Meanwhile he moved on 3 months ago. I hate him. I wish I never met him.

[Adoraxx]

It is torture to see them. You are lucky. I don't work with him, it's only once a week but its a constant setback. Some weeks are better but this one was bad. He is just so fine, and I'm not. I sometimes think I am over it but then I'm not. Meanwhile he moved on 3 months ago. I hate him. I wish I never met him.

 

Yes it is torture. He is my neighbor and it hurts to see him and to see that he's doing all fine while I'm not doing fine at all. He acts like I'm dead to him and he looks like he is doing great, which I'm pretty sure he does.

 

Sometimes I get these evil ideas too... I think of throwing tomatoes in his backyard. Or raw eggs. Just to mess up his pristine clean backyard. And for him to walk through that when he leaves the house in the early morning when it's still dark. LOL I will never do that but those thoughts cross my mind sometimes.

 

Or what about threatening him with "talk to me or else I'm going to disclose your secrets to your W" - which I wouldn't do obviously and I wouldn't threaten him either but those are just some of those crazy thoughts :/

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes it is torture. He is my neighbor and it hurts to see him and to see that he's doing all fine while I'm not doing fine at all. He acts like I'm dead to him and he looks like he is doing great, which I'm pretty sure he does.

 

Sometimes I get these evil ideas too... I think of throwing tomatoes in his backyard. Or raw eggs. Just to mess up his pristine clean backyard. And for him to walk through that when he leaves the house in the early morning when it's still dark. LOL I will never do that but those thoughts cross my mind sometimes.

 

Or what about threatening him with "talk to me or else I'm going to disclose your secrets to your W" - which I wouldn't do obviously and I wouldn't threaten him either but those are just some of those crazy thoughts :/

 

I acted crazy for a while. My H already told him W so the cat's out of the bag there. She cared for a while but nothing changed.

 

Acting crazy only makes one look...crazy. Weak, pathetic and definitely undesirable. Unless of course, the guy loved you. But they don't love us. We should know that by now. And nothing we do or say can make that happen, all we can do it make ourselves look like a train wreck.

 

I don't know the right answers. Its easy to say move on with your life but it's another to do it while continually seeing the other person.

[Adoraxx]

I acted crazy for a while. My H already told him W so the cat's out of the bag there. She cared for a while but nothing changed.

 

Acting crazy only makes one look...crazy. Weak, pathetic and definitely undesirable. Unless of course, the guy loved you. But they don't love us. We should know that by now. And nothing we do or say can make that happen, all we can do it make ourselves look like a train wreck.

 

I don't know the right answers. Its easy to say move on with your life but it's another to do it while continually seeing the other person.

 

Yes, that's right, acting crazy makes one look truly crazy. My xMM had two OW's before me and I remember him telling me one day that one of the OW's (after he discarded her) even waited for him in the very early morning hours , sitting on HIS CAR and she refused to leave. He was smirking the whole time when he told me that, and that's enough reason for me to not ever do something like that! I wouldn't want to give him that satisfaction and I'm sure he would get a huge ego boost out of it.

 

I can understand her desperation though because it's really hurtful when someone shuts you off without giving you any answers.

 

I just hope that I can leave this town one day soon... Sometimes it's so unbearable to be so close to him yet so far away at the same time.

 

Hugs, Adoraxx

[jenkins95]

(((Midnight))) (((Adoraxx))) (((Everyone else on this thread)))

 

I feel for you guys. Your posts just go to show that not all MMs are the same. It shows that I am often unwise to try to "represent" them all. I genuinely had and am having a very tough time in ending my affair, dealing with the damage I have caused my marriage and repairing in recovering - I am all over the place and have targetted Christmas as the time when I realistically feel that I can expect to feel recovered (not completely recovered - but at a level where life is bearable).

 

Men don't show their feelings as well as women and I think that your xMMs may be suffering inside even if they don't show it. I don't know - perhaps they really did move on that quickly, but it does seem incredible to me that they feel absolutely nothing after intense E and P affairs.

 

The fact that you are OW number 3 (that you know of) Adoraxx does suggest that he is a very disrespectful, manipulative POS who know how to work women and control his heart/feelings. You are definitely better off without him and deserve a genuine man who can love you exclusively 100%.

 

Midnight, the fact that your xMM can just try to be friends and make small talk with you about his wife shows that he doesn't have a clue and must be very emotionally immature - again, however much it hurts, you are better off without him. If you were in a serious monogamous LTR with him, this immaturity would probably catch up with you later on.

 

Let's just stick to NC and keep recovering together guys! I could do with a hug myself today!

[Doublegold]

Jenkins hang in there. Adoraxx you made me laugh out loud with your pristine yard accented by eggs or tomatoes comment! Midnight that Easter story wins the egg hunt. Talk about obtuse. I suppose the comment by XMM "how his wife does all this Easter stuff with candy for their kid" is the payoff for a marriage devoid of intimacy. No sweets for him.

 

Ladies, frustration and anger are all part of the process. it is like the stages of grief. As far as moving forward/apart existing in the same air as XMM that would be impossible for me. We have had our time apart but once in the same space all the anger/hurt dissolves. Maybe because we have been on for so long.

 

Carpe Diem.

[privategal]

I LOVE Demi Lovato "Warrior" its like I wrote it. Please listen and find strength!

[imperfectangel]

I actually found Taylor swifts "clean" very therapeutic

 

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

It was months, and months of back and forth

You're still all over me like I wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turn black like a perfect storm

 

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

 

There was nothing left to do

And the butterflies turned to dust they covered my whole room

So I punched a hole in the roof

Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

 

 

 

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean

Said, I think I am finally clean

 

10 months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it

10 months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

 

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

[inappfriendly]

Imperfectangel, I LOVE that song and it was super therapeutic for me, too, as I healed. Wish it was as black and white as dirty and clean. Here I was, just living the dream, feeling better, healed, over it all, CLEAN (and I'm two freaking years out!) when BAM, I saw him. I would have put money on it being him. My heart nearly exploded out of my chest. I was instantly covered in sweat. I could barely breathe. As I passed, I stole a glance and guess what, it wasn't him. Apparently I need my eyes checked! It rattled me for hours, though. It was a disappointing reminder that the wounds heal but the scars remain. I wonder if my mind will always look for him? Le sigh. All the best to all of you!

[imperfectangel]

There is someone that loves in my area that looks so much like my mm it's scary. Gave me a heart attack last time I saw him!

[MidnightBlue1980]

(((Midnight))) (((Adoraxx))) (((Everyone else on this thread)))

 

I feel for you guys. Your posts just go to show that not all MMs are the same. It shows that I am often unwise to try to "represent" them all. I genuinely had and am having a very tough time in ending my affair, dealing with the damage I have caused my marriage and repairing in recovering - I am all over the place and have targetted Christmas as the time when I realistically feel that I can expect to feel recovered (not completely recovered - but at a level where life is bearable).

 

Men don't show their feelings as well as women and I think that your xMMs may be suffering inside even if they don't show it. I don't know - perhaps they really did move on that quickly, but it does seem incredible to me that they feel absolutely nothing after intense E and P affairs.

 

The fact that you are OW number 3 (that you know of) Adoraxx does suggest that he is a very disrespectful, manipulative POS who know how to work women and control his heart/feelings. You are definitely better off without him and deserve a genuine man who can love you exclusively 100%.

 

Midnight, the fact that your xMM can just try to be friends and make small talk with you about his wife shows that he doesn't have a clue and must be very emotionally immature - again, however much it hurts, you are better off without him. If you were in a serious monogamous LTR with him, this immaturity would probably catch up with you later on.

 

Let's just stick to NC and keep recovering together guys! I could do with a hug myself today!

 

Thanks Jenkins. Yes, while we were together he would say "my wife" and so on. He was not jealous of my husband and in the beginning the wife thing did not bother me, but after a while it messed with my head. He has said it repeatedly to me that he wants to get back to normal with me and I suppose he thinks that we can just act like we did when it was at the friendly, flirty beginning. He doesn't have a lot of experience and he is emotionally immature, yes. He is able to actually get a sense of happiness from just the 90 minutes once a week with me. He told me that knowing I loved him, seeing me once a week and one night alone a month or so was enough. I guess it makes sense considering he was happy in his roommate marriage.

 

So he is trying to get something from me at these meetings, his fix. But I'm not like him at all. I don't think what he is doing is fair to anyone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

(((Midnight))) (((Adoraxx))) (((Everyone else on this thread)))

 

Midnight, the fact that your xMM can just try to be friends and make small talk with you about his wife shows that he doesn't have a clue and must be very emotionally immature - again, however much it hurts, you are better off without him. If you were in a serious monogamous LTR with him, this immaturity would probably catch up with you later on.

 

Let's just stick to NC and keep recovering together guys! I could do with a hug myself today!

 

Jenkins, you made me think of something. For months anytime I said something, like I went to the gym today or I finished this assignment, whatever, he would say, "thats a good girl". It drove me crazy. One day I said I'm not your dog, I'm a full grown woman running her own business.

 

You are right, he doesn't know me or have a clue at all. I like NC bc I know at least I am taking away the fix he needs.

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited April 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[MidnightBlue1980]

10 characters

 

I don't get it.

[jenkins95]

I don't get it.

 

Yes, I often see people posting "10 characters", 10 characters being the minimum length permitted for a post. But why? Is it just to bump a thread? But this thread didn't really need bumping as it was already near the top of the pile. Can anyone explain the "10 characters" mystery to me?

 

Just taking the opportunity to send you all a (((hug))). I perhaps didn't show it in my posts, but yesterday was a very low day for me, and you were all there for me! Thank you. I do feel better today. One day at a time !

[lemondrop21]

Everyone - I'm not going to respond to all of you individually, but I really do appreciate your responses and discussion here on my thread. It helps knowing there are people out there going through the same things, and though I'm not posting or reading multiple times a day as I used to, I am still dropping by at least a few times a week.

 

I ended up going to my favorite neighborhood restaurant and was hanging out at the bar and a married guy sitting next to me started talking. It was casual, mostly commentary on a soccer game on the TV. I was in self destructive mode and had way too many drinks and asked him why married men cheat. What is the psychology behind it? He proceeds to tell me that he's cheated on his wife before with 3-4 women but that he's happy in his marriage. I mean, here we are chatting about soccer and he just throws that little fact in so casually. In my drunken state, I totally bitched him out on the damage this does to people because of his selfish needs. I vaguely remember him uncomfortably mumbling an apology and saying he didn't mean to offend me. I bolted outta there as soon as I could and came home and cried my eyes out. I am angry at xMM for taking away my innocence and about love, marriage, and loyalty. He opened me up to a deep, dark and awful world that I didn't want to be exposed to. I think it's scarred me for the rest of my life. He, on the other hand, gets to go about his life with his little secret, hidden away safely.

 

This story made my day, Love. It's totally something I would do, and then I would blame the alcohol regardless of whether I had had five drinks or actually just one .

 

And I completely understand the anger at him for taking away your innocence regarding marriage. I have had that thought so many times. I was looking at so many of my friends on facebook with their young happy family photos over Easter weekend and wondering how many of them would experience infidelity, if they haven't already. It just felt sad. That said I do wonder if I will be more understanding if my future husband has an affair - especially if we have grown apart. I do think I'll be less likely to let such distance creep into our marriage, and that I'll be hyper-sensitive to any clues of an affair. Silver linings, in some way? Maybe?

 

(((Lemondrop)))

I'll have more to write soon but I just wanted to say that your little idea may actually be a really good plan, but minus the threat......

 

i.e. instead of saying "You have six months to find a job and leave the community or I will tell your wife everything", how about this......

 

"If there really is a part of you that loves me, cares for me and wants the best for me, you will do everything in your power to find a job and leave the community. If you haven't left in six months, then you will force me to do so instead, and I really don't think that's fair. Please do it for me."

 

Thanks Jenkins, your words mean a lot and I do wish he was kind enough to leave, but there is no way he will do so out of any sort of love or caring for me. He has a great setup here with his family, is about to get a big promotion at work, and as he said the other day, he is "starting to really enjoy life here." While he does care for my sanity, I don't think he realizes the extent to which the A has truly affected me. Although I did give him an earful these past few days, so maybe it's starting to sink in.

[lemondrop21]

Has anyone else gone through this? Where you've broken up with MM/MW for a time (in my case 8 weeks/5 weeks NC) and then you resume contact and you are all of a sudden arguing around and around and around in endless circles? It's the push-pull but on steroids. I don't even know how many days ago the contact was resumed... was it 2 weeks ago? 3? I'll have to read back on my thread to even figure it out.

 

It's like I've been in a strange haze this past week where I live from one instance of contact with him to the next. We can talk for an hour and I can barely remember afterward what was said. I'll fixate on one point or statement and then toss it around in my mind, often fuming, until the next time that we talk.

 

Although I can't remember all the details, I know that I gave him a real piece of my mind these past few days. When he mentioned the upcoming family vacation, I told him how it made me upset that he had never done ANYTHING for me - no vacations, no gifts, nothing. I told him that I'm not usually the type to fixate on such things, but the absence of those things, and knowing that his wife was getting them, really hurt me over the past year. He seemed genuinely surprised and said something like "That's just not the kind of relationship we have," which of course makes me feel like I was basically a prostitute, and I told him as much.

 

I asked him to compare the way things were at the beginning of the A, when he was strongly considering leaving w (allegedly), to now. Now he says the marriage is better, w is happier, and he has the nerve to ask for both the marriage and the affair. I asked him how I could possible NOT be hurt by that. Our A did not start out as a "mutual arrangement" on the side as so many do. In the beginning, he wanted an end goal for us. Now he just wants some no strings attached fun. It's degrading.

 

I suppose it's sad that I still give this man the time of day instead of just straight back into NC. On a positive note, I told him I had started dating someone and was going to continue to see how that played out. That development obviously threw him off. What did he expect me to do during the NC period, sit around pining for him and refusing to make any attempt to move on?

 

He is now on family vacation for one week, then I take off on a solo spring break adventure the following week. So I have 2 weeks of no MM drama. I told him on two different occasions that I didn't want to hear from him during this time, and then when leaving yesterday he said "contact will be sporadic but I will try." Did he think I was lying?? I was dead serious, I want my 2 weeks of vacation from him! Thus, I will not be checking the email account.

 

I have a feeling I'll be in and out of LS these coming couple of weeks; if I have a good day where I'm not fixating on the A then I'm going to just run with it. But please know that you all have my love and best wishes. xoxo

Edited April 1, 2016 by lemondrop21