Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Cymbeline]

Can't you delete the email account? He wants you to spend your years of peak youth and bloom on him, without an ounce of benefit to you. He is an egomaniac or mad or completely stupid or utterly without concern for you.

 

To say it is Degrading doesn't do his request justice. He isn't functioning as a whole human.

You always write intelligently and with compassion. Use that intelligence and compassion on yourself now. If the expat community you live in is as family oriented as you say, then move elsewhere where there are more young singles. It isnt a long term home for you so what keeps you there when it's no longer good for your happiness?

[lemondrop21]

Whoops, there were a couple more of these I wanted to respond to, briefly -

 

Thanks Jenkins. Yes, while we were together he would say "my wife" and so on... He is able to actually get a sense of happiness from just the 90 minutes once a week with me. He told me that knowing I loved him, seeing me once a week and one night alone a month or so was enough. I guess it makes sense considering he was happy in his roommate marriage.

 

This reminded me of the following gem of a quote I got the other day: "My wife and I are not having sex at the minute, she is still very closed off about that. If she wanted to pursue that kind of a relationship in the future then I would enjoy it, but I'm not going to push her."

 

This was after he expressed surprise at the fact that I was dating someone else, and stated that he wouldn't want to be having sex with me if I was having sex with someone else (?!?!? but it's okay that he gets to have an entirely separate relationship with his wife, regardless of whether it's sexual or not?!?!)

 

I responded, "so your idea is that you want to continue the A for the time so that I can fulfill your sexual needs until your wife becomes interested again, and at that point you can discard me?"

 

He didn't have a response to that.

 

Jenkins, you made me think of something. For months anytime I said something, like I went to the gym today or I finished this assignment, whatever, he would say, "thats a good girl". It drove me crazy. One day I said I'm not your dog, I'm a full grown woman running her own business.

 

You are right, he doesn't know me or have a clue at all. I like NC bc I know at least I am taking away the fix he needs.

 

Yes, MM infantilizes me too sometimes and it bothers me in a way that it wouldn't in a normal relationship. I've had relationships in the past where we "baby talk" and such and it's always felt sweet, never icky. But I think that MM has thought of me at times as his little pet, even though I'm nothing of the sort. I'm the one who moved abroad on my own, who has built up my own career, who has always been the mature one in my family, who buys her own clothes and makeup and vacations (Beyonce Independent Woman, anyone?). And that's something he has stated he likes about me... but I think this twisted part of his mind wants to somehow "tame" me, to make me his, to put me in a box and have me wait around like a good little girl, keeping myself perfectly groomed, waxed, plucked and so on, waiting eagerly and adoringly for him to visit me once a week and make all my dreams come true .

 

While I roll my eyes and laugh as I make that statement, it also makes me a bit sad because I have SO much more to offer someone. I'm witty, adventurous, physically fit... not to toot my own horn too much, but I think I'd be pretty fun to be in a real relationship with!

 

I have another date with the new guy tonight so at least there's that - he gets to enjoy the REAL side of me that MM barely even knows.

[lemondrop21]

Can't you delete the email account? He wants you to spend your years of peak youth and bloom on him, without an ounce of benefit to you. He is an egomaniac or mad or completely stupid or utterly without concern for you.

 

To say it is Degrading doesn't do his request justice. He isn't functioning as a whole human.

You always write intelligently and with compassion. Use that intelligence and compassion on yourself now. If the expat community you live in is as family oriented as you say, then move elsewhere where there are more young singles. It isnt a long term home for you so what keeps you there when it's no longer good for your happiness?

 

You are right, what keeps me here at the moment are a few things: I'm working on my masters program (just started back up again) so it's hard to focus on a job search as well; the money is great and I'll almost certainly take a pay cut when I leave; and I've developed some close female friends here who I'd be sad to move away from. There are a handful of single men here and I am cautiously dating one of them now. I've been wanting to see if I can just stay away from MM and heal while we both are still in this community, but the past couple weeks have shown me that may be impossible. We'll see how things go post-vacation. Thanks as always for your thoughts and I am trying to show compassion to myself.

[ChickiePops]

Has anyone else gone through this? Where you've broken up with MM/MW for a time (in my case 8 weeks/5 weeks NC) and then you resume contact and you are all of a sudden arguing around and around and around in endless circles? It's the push-pull but on steroids. I don't even know how many days ago the contact was resumed... was it 2 weeks ago? 3? I'll have to read back on my thread to even figure it out.

 

It's like I've been in a strange haze this past week where I live from one instance of contact with him to the next. We can talk for an hour and I can barely remember afterward what was said. I'll fixate on one point or statement and then toss it around in my mind, often fuming, until the next time that we talk.

 

Although I can't remember all the details, I know that I gave him a real piece of my mind these past few days. When he mentioned the upcoming family vacation, I told him how it made me upset that he had never done ANYTHING for me - no vacations, no gifts, nothing. I told him that I'm not usually the type to fixate on such things, but the absence of those things, and knowing that his wife was getting them, really hurt me over the past year. He seemed genuinely surprised and said something like "That's just not the kind of relationship we have," which of course makes me feel like I was basically a prostitute, and I told him as much.

 

I asked him to compare the way things were at the beginning of the A, when he was strongly considering leaving w (allegedly), to now. Now he says the marriage is better, w is happier, and he has the nerve to ask for both the marriage and the affair. I asked him how I could possible NOT be hurt by that. Our A did not start out as a "mutual arrangement" on the side as so many do. In the beginning, he wanted an end goal for us. Now he just wants some no strings attached fun. It's degrading.

 

I suppose it's sad that I still give this man the time of day instead of just straight back into NC. On a positive note, I told him I had started dating someone and was going to continue to see how that played out. That development obviously threw him off. What did he expect me to do during the NC period, sit around pining for him and refusing to make any attempt to move on?

 

He is now on family vacation for one week, then I take off on a solo spring break adventure the following week. So I have 2 weeks of no MM drama. I told him on two different occasions that I didn't want to hear from him during this time, and then when leaving yesterday he said "contact will be sporadic but I will try." Did he think I was lying?? I was dead serious, I want my 2 weeks of vacation from him! Thus, I will not be checking the email account.

 

I have a feeling I'll be in and out of LS these coming couple of weeks; if I have a good day where I'm not fixating on the A then I'm going to just run with it. But please know that you all have my love and best wishes. xoxo

 

Yes, he probably thought you were lying. After all, you've attempted NC before, right? He probably thinks that you'll get upset if he doesn't contact you.

 

Prove him wrong! Delete the email account and go NC forever!

[Cymbeline]

The new boyfriend will most likely make him jealous and maybe competitive. Please look after your own interests.

[heartwhole]

I know you feel you can believe what he tells you, but how can he suddenly be so happy and content in a sexless marriage? They always tell the wives that they didn't sleep with the OW. They always tell the OW that they're not sleeping with their wives . . .

[Cymbeline]

I know you feel you can believe what he tells you, but how can he suddenly be so happy and content in a sexless marriage? They always tell the wives that they didn't sleep with the OW. They always tell the OW that they're not sleeping with their wives . . .

 

Agreed. I recall you wrote recently that you were all at a function together but that she knew nothing of the affair. Yet she had lost weight, looked great, they were close etc.

 

I expect she knows . I said that in a response. I guess they are having sex and things are better so he feels the coast is clear again. Or else, hysterical bonding over, she might be feeling anger and is pushing him away somehow.

 

Distress of the BS and disapproval of others often seems to send the MM back to the arms of someone who appears to accept him with his infidelity.

 

It is obvious to all that you can do better.

[Doublegold]

Agreed. I recall you wrote recently that you were all at a function together but that she knew nothing of the affair. Yet she had lost weight, looked great, they were close etc.

 

I expect she knows . I said that in a response. I guess they are having sex and things are better so he feels the coast is clear again. Or else, hysterical bonding over, she might be feeling anger and is pushing him away somehow.

 

Distress of the BS and disapproval of others often seems to send the MM back to the arms of someone who appears to accept him with his infidelity.

 

It is obvious to all that you can do better.

 

 

I suspect she knows, also. May not be saying so, confronting him--but suspects for sure. That explains her focus on herself, bringing the child to the party etc.

 

 

Focus on you, enjoy your date, talk with MM as needed to maintain your own sanity/needs--but keep moving forward for YOU.

 

 

Take Care LD.

[ChickiePops]

I suspect she knows, also. May not be saying so, confronting him--but suspects for sure. That explains her focus on herself, bringing the child to the party etc.

 

 

Focus on you, enjoy your date, talk with MM as needed to maintain your own sanity/needs--but keep moving forward for YOU.

 

 

Take Care LD.

 

How does taking to him help maintain her sanity? How does it help anyone in this situation? It keeps OP attached to him and keeps her from letting other people in or from letting MM go, it keeps MM distracted from fixing his marriage, which is what he says he wants, and it continues the betrayal of the BS.

 

Nothing good is coming or will ever come from continued contact.

[66Charger]

Yes, I often see people posting "10 characters", 10 characters being the minimum length permitted for a post. But why? Is it just to bump a thread? But this thread didn't really need bumping as it was already near the top of the pile. Can anyone explain the "10 characters" mystery to me?

 

10 characters is used when you edit out a post. My original question was to how Lemons date went with the single guy. I think most wish that the single OWs would dump their MM and find love with the available. Regardless, since Lemon has stated that she is continuing to date the guy, I assume it went well and hope it continues to go well. Therefore the question was redundant and redacted. It is difficult to post on the OW/OM forum, where I dont agree with much, but hope for changes in direction, which appear to be the case of Lemondrop.

 

Anyway, apologies for the intrusion.

[Doublegold]

How does taking to him help maintain her sanity? How does it help anyone in this situation? It keeps OP attached to him and keeps her from letting other people in or from letting MM go, it keeps MM distracted from fixing his marriage, which is what he says he wants, and it continues the betrayal of the BS.

 

Nothing good is coming or will ever come from continued contact.

 

I was addressing Lemondrops post regarding her weeks (20 plus days) of intense anger that built up to her writing him and unloading her feelings after the NC. Not everything is black and white--there are greys--esp in affairs.

 

Thanks.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Doublegold

[jenkins95]

10 characters is used when you edit out a post. My original question was to how Lemons date went with the single guy. I think most wish that the single OWs would dump their MM and find love with the available. Regardless, since Lemon has stated that she is continuing to date the guy, I assume it went well and hope it continues to go well. Therefore the question was redundant and redacted. It is difficult to post on the OW/OM forum, where I dont agree with much, but hope for changes in direction, which appear to be the case of Lemondrop.

 

Anyway, apologies for the intrusion.

 

Ah, thanks 66! You've explained something that I had wondered about many times - seems obvious now!

 

Lemon, fantastic to read so many more positive posts. It seems like you are really getting strong now and are seeing more and more flaws in the MM and his choices/behaviour. You are right - you are no one's 'little pet'. I so hope your date with the new guy goes well. I think sometimes is going to be very jealous though ! Proud of you (((lemondrop)))! More very soon!

[lemondrop21]

Hi guys, I'm not going to post a ton on LS today because I'm having a positive, productive day and wanna keep that going! But I just wanted to let everyone know that my date last night was great, we stayed up talking till 4am and that's the second time this has happened. It's all a little scary for me (mostly in a good way) - he checks many boxes in terms of the qualities that I would look for in a life partner - caring, kind, ambitious, successful (but doesn't have a huge ego), sense of humor matches well with mine, and we can talk for hours about a whole range of topics.

 

There are some things I'm unsure about. One is his appearance. He is a heavier guy, could be worse but he definitely needs to lose some weight for the sake of his health as well as attractiveness. I'm very slender and work out a lot; I think his weight would be less of an issue for me if I were also curvier, but I'm pretty tiny. xMM is objectively no Brad Pitt as I've commented on here before, but he does not really have the weight issue and for some reason I want to jump his bones constantly, and I don't feel that level of attraction for this new guy. But I'll just have to be open minded and see what happens... I do know that people can become more attractive with time as you get to know them. I think I've started to feel a little bit of that sensation already. I could have kissed the new guy last night although I didn't . He knows I'm coming out of a weird relationship situation (but doesn't know details) so he is not pushing anything physical, at my request.

 

I'm also concerned our life plans/goals/visions for the future might not line up exactly... but that's okay right now! I just have to wait and feel it out. And at this point I'm happy to consider tackling a variety of potential obstacles, as long as the list does not include "he's MARRIED." I'm so happy because overall I feel open to this and excited about exploring this! And yes, also a bit terrified. But I know this is good for me.

 

Thanks to all of you for your comments on my thread, I'll probably respond to them at some stage but right now I'm enjoying my post-date happiness, xMM being out of town and not thinking as much about him or his wife or all that drama! Hugs to all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

10 characters is used when you edit out a post. My original question was to how Lemons date went with the single guy. I think most wish that the single OWs would dump their MM and find love with the available. Regardless, since Lemon has stated that she is continuing to date the guy, I assume it went well and hope it continues to go well. Therefore the question was redundant and redacted. It is difficult to post on the OW/OM forum, where I dont agree with much, but hope for changes in direction, which appear to be the case of Lemondrop.

 

Anyway, apologies for the intrusion.

 

I appreciate cold bluntness. I already have a best guy friend who is very supportive but sometimes what a person needs is a bucket of ice water over the head to stop the destructive patterns.

 

I had a moment of clarity the other day. Tuesday was really bad as xMM came up to me and started talking about his wife and their Easter. I did tell him later to not talk about his wife to me and at first I felt good but then I felt majorly depressed that he was so fine. I was really, really low. I told my husband and my friend and about what happened and they were supportive.

 

My friend said that he knew one of us was going to have to leave and it was a shame it would be me as I had so much more to lose. I agreed but then later I just thought, what am I doing? Why I am doing this to myself? Because its really not him, it's all me. I'm choosing to feel this way, to indulge it, to let everything go down the drain. I thought, maybe it's time to stop acting like such a victim and take responsibility for my actions. What am I going to run, slink off and ruin everything over someone who doesn't even care? I made a conscious choice to stop trying for hard for people who don't care.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi guys, I'm not going to post a ton on LS today because I'm having a positive, productive day and wanna keep that going! But I just wanted to let everyone know that my date last night was great, we stayed up talking till 4am and that's the second time this has happened. It's all a little scary for me (mostly in a good way) - he checks many boxes in terms of the qualities that I would look for in a life partner - caring, kind, ambitious, successful (but doesn't have a huge ego), sense of humor matches well with mine, and we can talk for hours about a whole range of topics.

 

There are some things I'm unsure about. One is his appearance. He is a heavier guy, could be worse but he definitely needs to lose some weight for the sake of his health as well as attractiveness. I'm very slender and work out a lot; I think his weight would be less of an issue for me if I were also curvier, but I'm pretty tiny. xMM is objectively no Brad Pitt as I've commented on here before, but he does not really have the weight issue and for some reason I want to jump his bones constantly, and I don't feel that level of attraction for this new guy. But I'll just have to be open minded and see what happens... I do know that people can become more attractive with time as you get to know them. I think I've started to feel a little bit of that sensation already. I could have kissed the new guy last night although I didn't . He knows I'm coming out of a weird relationship situation (but doesn't know details) so he is not pushing anything physical, at my request.

 

I'm also concerned our life plans/goals/visions for the future might not line up exactly... but that's okay right now! I just have to wait and feel it out. And at this point I'm happy to consider tackling a variety of potential obstacles, as long as the list does not include "he's MARRIED." I'm so happy because overall I feel open to this and excited about exploring this! And yes, also a bit terrified. But I know this is good for me.

 

Thanks to all of you for your comments on my thread, I'll probably respond to them at some stage but right now I'm enjoying my post-date happiness, xMM being out of town and not thinking as much about him or his wife or all that drama! Hugs to all.

 

Hi Lemondrop. Don't compare. Just enjoy now. I do understand about the physical thing. You do have to be attracted to the guy. It's not a choice - xMM or this guy. When I was divorced, I went out on so many first and second dates with guys from match.com. If its not there, don't force it, just keep dating others. You could also just sleep with him, if it's good, you will like him more, if its not, well, you can really easily move on then.

 

Is that slutty haha? I've just never been into dragging things out. lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know you feel you can believe what he tells you, but how can he suddenly be so happy and content in a sexless marriage? They always tell the wives that they didn't sleep with the OW. They always tell the OW that they're not sleeping with their wives . . .

 

In my situation, I know they are roommates as its been confirmed by her to my husband. I also didn't understand it but I've come to the conclusion that sex is just not that important to everyone. He had a lot of trouble with ED even with me, someone new and exciting, with her, it doesn't work at all. She is going through menopause, overweight and not interested. I admit I kept thinking there must be more but I've come to accept it. They are both happy with eating, drinking, family and I guess it's not a big deal.

 

I used to think he was lying but other guys have told me it is true, once a man is in his 40s, if he doesn't watch his diet and lift weights, it doesn't work that well anymore and can just go away. xMM is a big carb eater, drinks bourbon and gets zero exercise. He is not fat but he is on meds for high blood pressure. He's unfit looking and 46. He told me it happens to all men, the sex drive just goes away. I guess thats why women like younger men.

 

The whole thing is horrifying to me. My H will be 40 this year. He used to be several times a day but its down to 2x a day. I guess that is why women stray. Its scary what happens to people as they age.

[The Aftermath]

When I mentioned moral superiority I was referring to the recent posts from a couple others, not yours. I don't wish to engage in a back and forth with you. I do agree with some of the things you have to say, Sassy, on this and other threads.

 

I think that tone/delivery are important and I know there are others on this board who agree with me. Unnecessary harshness on this board drives people away and defeats the purpose of the board in the first place. There are always multiple ways of making a point. And that's the last thing I'll say on the subject.

 

I know you posted this a month ago, but Im making my way through your thread just now & had to commend you for this post. This is exactly the reason I stopped posting about my own situation and just resigned myself to reading others' stories to help strengthen my resolve. My exMM broke NC a few different ways and a lot has happened in the past few weeks, but I know all I will get from seeking support here is judgment and condemnation.

 

Im not at the end of your thread yet, but I hope you are well and just the fact that you made it past 2 weeks NC gives me hope that I can do it again as well...2 weeks was about when exMM broke NC the first time.

[Forceawakensme]

I know you posted this a month ago, but Im making my way through your thread just now & had to commend you for this post. This is exactly the reason I stopped posting about my own situation and just resigned myself to reading others' stories to help strengthen my resolve. My exMM broke NC a few different ways and a lot has happened in the past few weeks, but I know all I will get from seeking support here is judgment and condemnation.

 

Im not at the end of your thread yet, but I hope you are well and just the fact that you made it past 2 weeks NC gives me hope that I can do it again as well...2 weeks was about when exMM broke NC the first time.

 

I agree and its very frustrating because i for one would love to hear your update. It can be terrifying opening yourself up on here. Obviously, nobody in the OW/OM forum is striving to win any morality awards..people are aware of how wrong this all is.. the point is how damn addictive it is. I think the most helpful thing is to read others' stories and see the full spectrum of their challenges from the highs and the lows -- it shows you how similar we all are..

 

This forum will be pretty boring if its just a 'hey i win the bestest NCer in the world' award competition. Meanwhile all the people who broke NC are secretly dwelling in their shame, afraid to post. They could use some gentle, helpful advice.. but are too raw and hurt to risk being given "tough love" (which is often just triggered anger and judgement in disguise).

[Pili-Pala]

I agree and its very frustrating because i for one would love to hear your update. It can be terrifying opening yourself up on here. Obviously, nobody in the OW/OM forum is striving to win any morality awards..people are aware of how wrong this all is.. the point is how damn addictive it is. I think the most helpful thing is to read others' stories and see the full spectrum of their challenges from the highs and the lows -- it shows you how similar we all are..

 

This forum will be pretty boring if its just a 'hey i win the bestest NCer in the world' award competition. Meanwhile all the people who broke NC are secretly dwelling in their shame, afraid to post. They could use some gentle, helpful advice.. but are too raw and hurt to risk being given "tough love" (which is often just triggered anger and judgement in disguise).

 

 

Yes Aftermath, please do post an update!! As well as reading everyone else's threads and posts I have found responses to my posts so valuable - especially when I broke NC. I include your own post to me in that statement, when you empathised and sympathised with my FB stalking - it's so helpful to me to know there are people who understand and have been there, and I really appreciated that and valued your comment.

 

I too have noticed there are some people on this forum unfortunately with a certain approach that doesn't sit well with me. I am lucky in that only one of them seems to have taken any interest in my posts. When I see them in other threads, I thought the exact same as forceawakens, that it is just veiled anger, hurt and perhaps even bitterness at their own situations - and if you check their stats, often they are posting in almost every single forum on every single topic....which in a way i feel might be very sad as they might really be struggling in life, and I can't think they are following threads that closely!

 

I try to look past the tone, as sometimes they make salient points under that harsh delivery, but if you can't do that then just ignore them and concentrate on all the wonderful and helpful posters who will offer much much more then just judgement and condemnation, and please post an update and I will today go back and read you backstory if I can so that I am ready for it

[Lovetoohard]

Hi guys, I'm not going to post a ton on LS today because I'm having a positive, productive day and wanna keep that going! But I just wanted to let everyone know that my date last night was great, we stayed up talking till 4am and that's the second time this has happened. It's all a little scary for me (mostly in a good way) - he checks many boxes in terms of the qualities that I would look for in a life partner - caring, kind, ambitious, successful (but doesn't have a huge ego), sense of humor matches well with mine, and we can talk for hours about a whole range of topics.

 

There are some things I'm unsure about. One is his appearance. He is a heavier guy, could be worse but he definitely needs to lose some weight for the sake of his health as well as attractiveness. I'm very slender and work out a lot; I think his weight would be less of an issue for me if I were also curvier, but I'm pretty tiny. xMM is objectively no Brad Pitt as I've commented on here before, but he does not really have the weight issue and for some reason I want to jump his bones constantly, and I don't feel that level of attraction for this new guy. But I'll just have to be open minded and see what happens... I do know that people can become more attractive with time as you get to know them. I think I've started to feel a little bit of that sensation already. I could have kissed the new guy last night although I didn't . He knows I'm coming out of a weird relationship situation (but doesn't know details) so he is not pushing anything physical, at my request.

 

I'm also concerned our life plans/goals/visions for the future might not line up exactly... but that's okay right now! I just have to wait and feel it out. And at this point I'm happy to consider tackling a variety of potential obstacles, as long as the list does not include "he's MARRIED." I'm so happy because overall I feel open to this and excited about exploring this! And yes, also a bit terrified. But I know this is good for me.

 

Thanks to all of you for your comments on my thread, I'll probably respond to them at some stage but right now I'm enjoying my post-date happiness, xMM being out of town and not thinking as much about him or his wife or all that drama! Hugs to all.

 

Lemon! So so happy that you're savoring your post-date happiness! Staying up until 4 a.m. and talking sounds really promising. This new guy seems genuinely interested in your interests, goals, and life. It must be such a refreshing change from the xMM conversations where i'm sure you found that it's all about him and making him happy. I always used to find that I felt like I was walking on eggshells during a lot of conversations with xMM because he often said and did things that shielded me from his real life and the conversation at times felt very unnatural. For example, just a normal question like "hey, what'd you do over the weekend?" would be a difficult question and one that was not likely being answered with full transparency due to the distinction between real world and affair world (I cringe at the absurdity of that sentence as I write it out). Also, in addition to the good conversations, the fact that this new guy is able to spend time with you without any of the ridiculousness that goes with an affair such as a curfew, sneaking around, lying about his whereabouts, calls from his w that he has to take during the date, etc., has got to be refreshing!

 

Regarding the points you are unsure about - I can completely understand the "want to jump my xMM's bones" versus the lukewarm appeal that the new guy holds. A man not taking care of his health is certainly an issue for me as I am very health conscious and expect my partner to take care of himself as well - it's not a vanity thing, it's a health thing. At the risk of sounding like a Harlequin romance novel, the chemistry with xMM is hard to beat. My xMM is tall, dark, handsome, disarmingly charming, amazing body...I found him to be overpowering and it made him sexy as hell. We would often get compliments about how we made a beautiful couple from strangers when we were out and about (some people would go so far as to assume we were married - if only they knew the reality! ) So the point I am attempting to make (I use the word "attempting" as I got momentarily distracted by my ...ahem... little Harlequin romance novel description of xMM), is that affair chemistry is artificially intense. I am sure that chemistry would fizzle pretty quickly if all of a sudden, your xMM showed up at your doorstep, announced he was divorced and wanted to give it a real shot with you. Slow and steady is the way to go. Personality, mutual interests, and as you point out, MINOR facts like HIM NOT BEING MARRIED are the things that matter. Things like being overweight and improving his health can be changed (as long as he is willing). Take the physical part of it at the pace you're comfortable with. There's no rush. If this guy really likes you, he'll respect your wishes. In any case, the fact that you're starting to feel "a little bit of that sensation" is fantastic. It might seem small, but in post-affair world, it's a huge, huge sign that you're ready to move on....all while amazingly and courageously, keeping that xMM boundary nice and strong.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[lemondrop21]

In my situation, I know they are roommates as its been confirmed by her to my husband. I also didn't understand it but I've come to the conclusion that sex is just not that important to everyone. He had a lot of trouble with ED even with me, someone new and exciting, with her, it doesn't work at all. She is going through menopause, overweight and not interested. I admit I kept thinking there must be more but I've come to accept it. They are both happy with eating, drinking, family and I guess it's not a big deal.

 

I used to think he was lying but other guys have told me it is true, once a man is in his 40s, if he doesn't watch his diet and lift weights, it doesn't work that well anymore and can just go away. xMM is a big carb eater, drinks bourbon and gets zero exercise. He is not fat but he is on meds for high blood pressure. He's unfit looking and 46. He told me it happens to all men, the sex drive just goes away. I guess thats why women like younger men.

 

The whole thing is horrifying to me. My H will be 40 this year. He used to be several times a day but its down to 2x a day. I guess that is why women stray. Its scary what happens to people as they age.

 

Several times a day of what? Sex? Getting off? I'm confused. If he's still getting off twice a day I'm really impressed, that sounds like college-age stuff to me...

 

Re: the posts about whether my xMM and w are having sex... I imagine he at least tries to initiate it every so often, but I don't think they have some wild and crazy sex life now. Anyway I agree with Midnight, the importance of sex depends on the couple and some are happy to stay in a relationship/marriage despite its absence, due to all the other benefits they get from the relationship.

 

And I don't think w knows about the A. I genuinely think that she's the type who would have gone on an angry rampage, told her friends, and eventually confronted me. Her improvement in attitude and appearance probably goes back to the IC she was doing last year, after MM told her he was deeply unhappy and needed major changes. Fear of abandonment is probably almost as good of a motivator as an A, at least in her case. Anyway, I do wish her well and I absolutely feel guilt over what I did to their marriage, despite her not knowing.

 

Enough about them, they are off on vacation and I'm happy to be here without them and focused on the new guy.

[lemondrop21]

@aftermath, force and pili - I agree, getting slammed on LS sucks. Constructive criticism is one thing, but sometimes you just receive someone else's redirected rage and it's no fun. And it leads to people either leaving completely, or editing out parts of their stories, and I count myself in this group. Right now I can post about dating this new guy, but I don't feel I can post as much about xMM because we aren't in NC anymore.

 

Even in terms of the other OW/OM posters, I don't think it's everyone's intent to be "NC police," but sometimes the forum starts to come off that way. I think that once you are on the other side of an affair, you really want to see others break the cycle as well, so you push and push for them to break off their own As in an effort to be helpful. Unfortunately some people aren't there yet. They just aren't. Even I'm not quite "there" right now (although dating the new guy helps a lot!).

 

I think oftentimes what is needed is to hear someone supportive saying, "I've been there and it sucks" rather than trying to fix the problem. It's the basic idea of empathy vs. sympathy.

 

PM'ing other posters can be a good alternative. Unfortunately it deprives others of reading posts that might be helpful to them.

[privategal]

Lemon...sweetly...gently...please destrucct this fantasy and prolonged agonizing goodbye by closing the email and blocking your phone.

Let these two weeks be the end of a hard lesson and the start to healing.

Also, I caution you...you said to xmm "im dating someone and will see how it plays out" plays out?

First its not his business...and the best way to communicate clearly where you stand with him is SILENCE going dark, even fb...everywhere.

Back to "seeing how this plays out" life isnt a dress rehaersal. The new guy is real, this chance or possibility of a new love is real...this new opportunity should not be clouded with contact with xmm.

Hes sunning, and going on adventures and dinner and getting intimate with his wife.

You arent done until that door is CLOSED. take your power back, get serious its over. Let the end be now. For you my sweet girl. Not one more day of analyzing and breaking nc. Theres no nee news he's telling you. Finalize it. Hugs.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon! So so happy that you're savoring your post-date happiness! Staying up until 4 a.m. and talking sounds really promising. This new guy seems genuinely interested in your interests, goals, and life. It must be such a refreshing change from the xMM conversations where i'm sure you found that it's all about him and making him happy. I always used to find that I felt like I was walking on eggshells during a lot of conversations with xMM because he often said and did things that shielded me from his real life and the conversation at times felt very unnatural. For example, just a normal question like "hey, what'd you do over the weekend?" would be a difficult question and one that was not likely being answered with full transparency due to the distinction between real world and affair world (I cringe at the absurdity of that sentence as I write it out). Also, in addition to the good conversations, the fact that this new guy is able to spend time with you without any of the ridiculousness that goes with an affair such as a curfew, sneaking around, lying about his whereabouts, calls from his w that he has to take during the date, etc., has got to be refreshing!

 

Regarding the points you are unsure about - I can completely understand the "want to jump my xMM's bones" versus the lukewarm appeal that the new guy holds. A man not taking care of his health is certainly an issue for me as I am very health conscious and expect my partner to take care of himself as well - it's not a vanity thing, it's a health thing. At the risk of sounding like a Harlequin romance novel, the chemistry with xMM is hard to beat. My xMM is tall, dark, handsome, disarmingly charming, amazing body...I found him to be overpowering and it made him sexy as hell. We would often get compliments about how we made a beautiful couple from strangers when we were out and about (some people would go so far as to assume we were married - if only they knew the reality! ) So the point I am attempting to make (I use the word "attempting" as I got momentarily distracted by my ...ahem... little Harlequin romance novel description of xMM), is that affair chemistry is artificially intense. I am sure that chemistry would fizzle pretty quickly if all of a sudden, your xMM showed up at your doorstep, announced he was divorced and wanted to give it a real shot with you. Slow and steady is the way to go. Personality, mutual interests, and as you point out, MINOR facts like HIM NOT BEING MARRIED are the things that matter. Things like being overweight and improving his health can be changed (as long as he is willing). Take the physical part of it at the pace you're comfortable with. There's no rush. If this guy really likes you, he'll respect your wishes. In any case, the fact that you're starting to feel "a little bit of that sensation" is fantastic. It might seem small, but in post-affair world, it's a huge, huge sign that you're ready to move on....all while amazingly and courageously, keeping that xMM boundary nice and strong.

 

Lovetoohard, you are awesome. I really enjoyed your post, and I also have to say that I'm a bit jealous of your A... not the negative feelings of course, but your description of his appearance! Mmmm, really too bad it was an affair situation... I'm hoping you meet the single, respectful, honest version of this gorgeous man!

[heartwhole]

I do think it's unfortunate if people feel they can't post safely here. I've only been on LS for maybe 6 weeks, and I don't know how long I'll stay, to be honest. In my experience there is a certain moral certitude that erases people's needs to filter or temper their statements. I'm not one to call out and harangue my friends, so I try to be more thoughtful and Socratic if I want to suggest something they might be missing. But I suppose some feel it's OK to skip those formalities on the internet. I don't know.

 

I also think that sometimes people lash out at posters here as proxies for the people who have hurt them in their lives.

 

On the plus side, though, if you can filter out the posts that aren't helpful, there is a variety of perspective here that I haven't seen anywhere else. And really my reason in coming to LS was to try to understand my situation better by understanding people in similar situations. And it has definitely helped with that. I hope I've given back in return. I believe I am gaining closure on the issues I needed to work out and so I will probably move on to being more present in my daily life soon . . . lots of exciting book club books to read, vacations to plan, summer camps to enroll my kids in, etc.

 

Anyway, rambling on here. My point is simply that if you find (some or most of) the advice here helpful, then I hope you will continue to post, and not let those who seem to have other agendas stop you. You could have chosen a place where they encourage each other never to give up and vilify the BWs, but you did not. You are trying to gain a clear picture of where you are and how you've gotten there. That's commendable. So keep on keeping on.