Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Lovetoohard]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry you had a tough day. I occasionally went through exactly what you described too. Interestingly, a couple of times, these anxiety attack-ish episodes were triggered by (hypersensitive) thoughts of xMM intentionally ignoring me. It would remind me of the times we had a few bad arguments over how hurt I was that he could just choose me and drop me at his convenience whenever he wanted and that I was just a time filler. His response to those horrible arguments would be to ignore me, and patronizingly tell me he didn't understand "what I was on about." In order to not rock the boat, I would bury my feelings in response. And he, of course, blew it all off. Over and over and over again. Maybe i'm being dramatic in saying this, but it felt like some form of emotional abuse.

 

I think you are right in your assessment that you get conditioned to the affair drama and get triggered by benign events. I think this vacation is coming at a good time for you. I hope you managed to finish your packing (hurling clothes into my suitcase is actually my normal method of packing ). You will have a fabulous time away. When you come back, you can clearly think about what the next steps are you want to take with containing to move forward with your progress. I know you don't feel it right now, but you've come much farther along than you think.

 

Safe travels and happy vacationing!

[Gloria25]

I had something happen today which wasn't maybe quite a panic attack - I've had two of those before in my life so I can recognize it - but it was close. Heart rate jacked up, overwhelming anxiety, can't sit still, mind racing a million miles a minute.

 

I originally thought that I had 2 weeks free of MM drama, but I had found out that he was coming in to work this afternoon, apparently the family got back from vacation early this morning. I thought I was mentally prepared, was gonna just have a brief conversation with him and keep it light so I could leave on my own vacation in peace (I leave tomorrow). I had agreed on this with my therapist. Was focused mainly on seeing New Guy tonight.

 

Apparently I was not prepared. When he got into the office, my mind strung together a few meaningless "clues" and decided that he was avoiding me, and my mind was immediately whisked back to times in the past when he ended things, and I went temporarily insane.

 

As I said earlier, heart rate jacked, racing around, about to burst into tears, was all I could do to keep myself from stopping by his office to force him not to ignore me. So I went home. Took some meds I have left over from a surgery a long time ago that I kept in case such occasions arose (self medicating = bad, I know I know, but keep in mind I live in a backwards developing country where you can't get things easily).Until the meds kicked in I went around my bedroom literally hurling clothes into my suitcase because I'm not packed yet for my vacation. It was like I was on some kind of an anxiety-induced rampage.

 

After 15 minutes or so, meds kicked in and I went back to work. Then of course, xMM talked to me. Before he left, we had had all these dumb dramatic conversations that never really went anywhere, and neither of us wanted to really address that stuff today. I got to hear some anecdotes about his family vacation that I didn't really want to hear, but I was polite and casual. Whatever.

 

So the conversation itself was nothing, but I am very upset this evening. The fact that this man could trigger such a response in me... it makes me sad and frustrated. It was all in my own head too, he wasn't actually ignoring me or cutting off, but I think this is what happens when you get so conditioned to the affair roller coaster.This shows me that, not only am I going to need to be the one to firmly go back to complete NC, I might need to leave the community. Because frankly, even in NC I can imagine this sort of thing happening, like if I see him flirting with someone else at work. Or on the occasions when I see him with w and kids. I can't let myself stay in a place where I could get such bad anxiety at any moment.

 

Fantastic. I am now looking forward to a job search that would necessitate relocation, on top of my super time consuming online course which I absolutely CANNOT drop again, on top of the fact that I'm supposed to be happy and going on vacation tomorrow. I had hoped I would be done with xMM drama by the time I got to this vacation. Looks like I'm not.

I wish I had never met him.

 

Give it time and keep on looking for a new guy...

 

Trust me, when you meet the right guy, MM could do flips backward all day and you won't notice and/or care...just trust me on this one;)

[Doublegold]

Dear Lemondrop,

 

I feel you are more angry at yourself at this point. Totally understandable, we tend to let ourselves down at times.

 

That being said, pack your bags and enjoy your vacation-- it is long overdue .

 

Bon voyage.

[lemondrop21]

Dear MM,

You have been bothering me so much this past week and I finally figured out why. It's the inauthenticity that you reek of. This invisible thing, like a bad odor. Every time I see you it's dripping off of you. Inauthenticity.

 

You got your promotion and now you strut around the office as though you're the epitome of success. The solid family man, living your Stepford-esque life here in our community, with the perfect wife and perfect three kids and now the job that places you in even higher regard.

 

I know what a lie you are, and it disgusts me and repels me from you.

 

The start of the A was such a heightened, crazy experience; a "fog" perhaps, but also a wave of real emotion that you showed me. Not just lust and whatever "love" you thought you felt for me. There was also immense frustration, disappointment, and longing about your marriage. Real, raw human emotion. I still had respect for you then, because you were going through something real, something that so many people in so many marriages go through whether they acknowledge it or not. It's hard work and sometimes things falter, badly. Your vulnerability at that time made you so authentically human.

 

Had you turned to your wife and told her, honestly, just HOW frustrated you were, that would have been living authentically. Or later, after the A was going on, if you had confessed to your wife and then tried to rebuild the marriage from the ground up, that might have gotten you back to a place of authenticity.

 

But you didn't do either of these things. You used me to fill in the holes that you feel deep inside. You used me to keep your life seemingly perfect. And now you still engage in this delicate balancing act, saying you still care deeply about me but never letting yourself get out of control, lest the house of cards comes crashing down.

 

So day after day, you put on a show - for your colleagues, your boss, your children, your wife, and even for me. You've got it all together. Everything is figured out for you. In your mind, you've somehow done the right thing all along, yes? Look how happy everyone is. Wife is happy. Kids are happy. Boss is happy. Bank account is happy.

 

But I know you, and I see through all of that. You won't be happy until you're in touch with your authentic self, but you have no idea who that man even is. Sometimes I feel sorry for you. But mostly I just feel afraid. If you've managed to con everyone else in your life, does that mean that my own future husband will be able to do the same thing to me?

 

Who are you? Do you even know? Did I ever even know?

[imperfectangel]

Hi LD I've been wondering how you were. I love the letter. Are you still NC?

[lemondrop21]

Hi LD I've been wondering how you were. I love the letter. Are you still NC?

Not in "NC" but in a very different head space about it. For the past week or so, he has tried to talk to me in some fashion every day at work about his office drama. And I just kind of stare at him as he talks, and think "who the hell are you?" As in, who is this man standing here talking to me and why do I care what he has to say? I don't feel angry, just kind of sad and lonely. It's amazing how sometimes contact with him can feel even sadder and emptier than no contact.

 

I've been texting a new guy a lot who I met over the weekend. Our conversation flows 1000x better than it ever did with MM over text, because there are no games, no drama, just two people excited to get to know each other. So that's a positive. I am trying to focus on that.

[imperfectangel]

I'm so glad you're moving on. I understand what you mean by the "who are you comments". I'm the same with mine. We're loose contact, I can't handle full on NC but I don't contact him - I just respond, one word answers avoiding his attempts to meet up.

 

I feel so bad for you that you have to work with MM I cannot imagine what that is like esp as he's walking around like he's the king of the hill. Hat must be so frustrating.

 

Do you think he's start the a up again if you let him?

[Bufo]

#1. Repeat after me: I'm sorry you feel that way. For variation, I'm sorry it's working out that way. These are non sequiturs that offer a polite but meaningless reply to whatever bullxxxx he's telling you. He will soon tire of these onesizefitsall replies and focus his attention elsewhere.

 

#2. Please don't send that email. All it will tell his ego-driven brain is that you are still thinking about him. The negative in the message will pass from his eyes into his brain and right out his ears without being processed.

 

#3. No, I don't sugarcoat advice. If it helps, take it. If not, ignore it. No harm, no foul as,the basketball saying goes.

 

#4. Is there a recipie for a Lemon Drop? My wife drinks disgusting dirty martinis and I'd like a good tasting vodka drink to try.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Dear MM,

You have been bothering me so much this past week and I finally figured out why. It's the inauthenticity that you reek of. This invisible thing, like a bad odor. Every time I see you it's dripping off of you. Inauthenticity.

 

You got your promotion and now you strut around the office as though you're the epitome of success. The solid family man, living your Stepford-esque life here in our community, with the perfect wife and perfect three kids and now the job that places you in even higher regard.

 

I know what a lie you are, and it disgusts me and repels me from you.

 

The start of the A was such a heightened, crazy experience; a "fog" perhaps, but also a wave of real emotion that you showed me. Not just lust and whatever "love" you thought you felt for me. There was also immense frustration, disappointment, and longing about your marriage. Real, raw human emotion. I still had respect for you then, because you were going through something real, something that so many people in so many marriages go through whether they acknowledge it or not. It's hard work and sometimes things falter, badly. Your vulnerability at that time made you so authentically human.

 

Had you turned to your wife and told her, honestly, just HOW frustrated you were, that would have been living authentically. Or later, after the A was going on, if you had confessed to your wife and then tried to rebuild the marriage from the ground up, that might have gotten you back to a place of authenticity.

 

But you didn't do either of these things. You used me to fill in the holes that you feel deep inside. You used me to keep your life seemingly perfect. And now you still engage in this delicate balancing act, saying you still care deeply about me but never letting yourself get out of control, lest the house of cards comes crashing down.

 

So day after day, you put on a show - for your colleagues, your boss, your children, your wife, and even for me. You've got it all together. Everything is figured out for you. In your mind, you've somehow done the right thing all along, yes? Look how happy everyone is. Wife is happy. Kids are happy. Boss is happy. Bank account is happy.

 

But I know you, and I see through all of that. You won't be happy until you're in touch with your authentic self, but you have no idea who that man even is. Sometimes I feel sorry for you. But mostly I just feel afraid. If you've managed to con everyone else in your life, does that mean that my own future husband will be able to do the same thing to me?

 

Who are you? Do you even know? Did I ever even know?

 

Hi Lemondrop. I could have written your post. I have no answers other than to comfort you that you are not alone and it's just best to move on and not worry about these guys' emotional lives. Easier said than done I know. I will say I am sort of where you are. eMM also acts just like your xMM and he;s still in a sexless marriage (or so he ways, at the least he does look 10 years older). Here is my update:

 

Its been hard. I see him weekly and I will go weeks, sometimes a month without contact. But then I slip. Nothing ever happened again since it ended, just a text thing here or there which always serves to destroy me. So this past week, we "spoke" after the meeting and he said that he is thinking of leaving in the fall because he is struggling weekly with me ignoring him. He missed the old us and he wants me to treat him like I treat my other male friends. At first I felt strong by this, and said how I couldn't as when I communicated with him, it left me messed up for days, the only way I could survive was to ignore him. I said he made his choice. Plus he added that while he wanted me to talk to him in person, he wanted to keep no contact between meetings. I said, that messed my head up. The friends I had, I talked to them whenever. He had said it was risky for us to talk and I said, risky bc of your wife?? and he said no, risky bc of his emotions. I said, your emotions are your problem.

 

Later he texted me that he had let me leave bc we were too different, that it would never work and it just crushed me, that he had felt that way the whole time and just used me for fun. He tried t backtrack, but we both went back to no contact. I cried and cried.

 

I was a mess for 2 days and then I got fired from my job, totally having nothing to do with this all. But I had been praying for help and here it was. I asked for help and it came like a lightening bolt. I was pushed into action. Prior to getting fired, I was considering medication over this guy, now I am not. I'm focused on developing a side business I have and my husband and I are switching roles, he is getting a job, things are just really different, we have a lot going on. Some good, some bad, lots of stress but none of it has crap to do this xMM.

 

Its not over, I'll see him again but I do feel different because I'm in a different place. I do hate him though. He used me and I will just never forgive him . He can stay and rot in his sexless marriage.

[Grey Cloud]

Dear MM,

You have been bothering me so much this past week and I finally figured out why. It's the inauthenticity that you reek of. This invisible thing, like a bad odor. Every time I see you it's dripping off of you. Inauthenticity.

 

You got your promotion and now you strut around the office as though you're the epitome of success. The solid family man, living your Stepford-esque life here in our community, with the perfect wife and perfect three kids and now the job that places you in even higher regard.

 

I know what a lie you are, and it disgusts me and repels me from you.

 

The start of the A was such a heightened, crazy experience; a "fog" perhaps, but also a wave of real emotion that you showed me. Not just lust and whatever "love" you thought you felt for me. There was also immense frustration, disappointment, and longing about your marriage. Real, raw human emotion. I still had respect for you then, because you were going through something real, something that so many people in so many marriages go through whether they acknowledge it or not. It's hard work and sometimes things falter, badly. Your vulnerability at that time made you so authentically human.

 

Had you turned to your wife and told her, honestly, just HOW frustrated you were, that would have been living authentically. Or later, after the A was going on, if you had confessed to your wife and then tried to rebuild the marriage from the ground up, that might have gotten you back to a place of authenticity.

 

But you didn't do either of these things. You used me to fill in the holes that you feel deep inside. You used me to keep your life seemingly perfect. And now you still engage in this delicate balancing act, saying you still care deeply about me but never letting yourself get out of control, lest the house of cards comes crashing down.

 

So day after day, you put on a show - for your colleagues, your boss, your children, your wife, and even for me. You've got it all together. Everything is figured out for you. In your mind, you've somehow done the right thing all along, yes? Look how happy everyone is. Wife is happy. Kids are happy. Boss is happy. Bank account is happy.

 

But I know you, and I see through all of that. You won't be happy until you're in touch with your authentic self, but you have no idea who that man even is. Sometimes I feel sorry for you. But mostly I just feel afraid. If you've managed to con everyone else in your life, does that mean that my own future husband will be able to do the same thing to me?

 

Who are you? Do you even know? Did I ever even know?

 

Hi LD!

 

I could have written this letter to my xMM. I think a large part of it is because they need to play the role of the "good guy" - upstanding member of community, loyal, loving husband, respected at work etc. Their image is so important to them. And yet they are obviously unhappy in many ways to embark on an affair (even if they won't admit it to themselves). Whether it's because they are unhappy in their marriage or just seeking validation through an ego boost, they will continue to go through life thinking everything is fine when deep down they will never admit to or work on their insecurities.

 

Sometimes an A works in their favour - they get the validation and the ego boost they need and they can return to their everyday world and things are better than ever. Miraculously their marriage is improved, they get a wonderful new job or promotion and things are great with their wife!

 

I know it's a generalisation but most OW and MOW after an A want to know why they did such a thing in the first place and learn lessons from it and try to improve themselves. Some MM's (not all!) just bury their head in the sand and move on with life none the wiser.

[lemondrop21]

 

#4. Is there a recipie for a Lemon Drop? My wife drinks disgusting dirty martinis and I'd like a good tasting vodka drink to try.

 

Ha, the one I have used is from Ina Garten - simple but oh so refreshing!

 

2 cups frozen vodka

1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice

1/2 cup superfine sugar

1 lemon, thinly sliced

Ice

 

Combine the vodka, lemon juice, and sugar and pour into a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour into martini glasses and garnish with lemon slices.

[lemondrop21]

I did end up telling him last week, in person, that I felt he was an inauthentic fraud. I didn't feel like holding it in, and we aren't in NC anyway so it doesn't really matter.

 

He started to get defensive at first, and said that this has become all about my needs. Yes, my needs. Because when I'm feeling down I can just take it out on him. Or something.

 

I laughed and couldn't even respond properly because the thought of any part of "this" meeting "my needs" is truly absurd.

 

The rest of the week he barely spoke to me, except once to say that he just felt sh***y about everything. So maybe something registered. *shrugs* At this point it doesn't change anything, I just hope he never does this to his family or any other woman ever again.

 

Things didn't work out with "New Guy" who I was referencing a few weeks ago, but I've been chatting with others. I'm on dating sites. I can't wait to meet someone who is proud to be with me fully and publicly. I went out this weekend and had an okay time. It's something.

[Chuff]

Good for you for doing the hard work and trying to move forward.

 

You are already leaps and bounds ahead of some posters on here!

[lemondrop21]

Good for you for doing the hard work and trying to move forward.

 

You are already leaps and bounds ahead of some posters on here!

Thanks Chuff but I wouldn't necessarily say that's true as it really depends on the day! Some days I feel great, other days I feel back in some kind of deep hole. It's not a linear process by any means.

 

I will say that I can tangibly feel how much more my life has in store for me and how much I have to look forward to. MM will ultimately be just a small paragraph in my life story. Something like this:

 

A married man who she worked with approached her one day and told her how strong his feelings were for her. She felt an attraction towards him too, and it grew almost overnight into something overwhelming and unstoppable. It forced her to reckon with a fact she had known for years - that she could never marry T. So she finally ended her relationship with T, and then proceeded to have a heady, passionate, childish, crazy affair with the married man. But months passed, she grew tired of being the other woman, and she started to see the married man for what he was - confused, sad, entitled at times, and very much beneath her. So she turned away from him as well, and toward a future full of limitless possibility.

[Bufo]

Stand at attention and listen up LD. This is your drill instructor talking. (I'm not Lee Ermey the actor, but picture me in that role now ).

 

You don't seem to understand how far you have come. You told him off in no uncertain terms. He didn't like it. The fact that he didn't like it did not trouble you. You didn't go into "comforter" mode as a result of his hurt feelings.

 

And, more tellingly, the failure of the new guy to light your fire did not cause you to look back with nostalgia on the good times during the A. That means you are still looking forward. And you describe some of that forward action. You weren't moping at being all by yourself. You have dropped the "any relationship is better than no relationship" mode of fallacious thinking that underlies many A's described here.

 

Do you see how important this is?

 

BTW! Lee Ermey was the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket. Google if if his kindly, loving nature is unknown to you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks Chuff but I wouldn't necessarily say that's true as it really depends on the day! Some days I feel great, other days I feel back in some kind of deep hole. It's not a linear process by any means.

 

[/i]

 

Hi Lemondrop. Good to see you. It takes so long. I relate. I am also not in NC either - I have to see him as well. Its been a really long road. I'm approaching 5 months out, this month is one year ago he told me he loved me. It feels like a really long time ago that we were together and for the most part, I don't feel a lot of anything. I do get angry a lot, like you said. He easily went back to his life, his wife did not seem to be bothered with him seeing me. I was just a diversion, a fun thing on the side, an amusement. He would have easily destroyed me and my life for his own pleasure.

 

A few days ago he reached out as there was a family emergency and he was in the hospital. He was alone. In the past I would have thought this meant I was special, the one to comfort him, that he loved me. This time I knew he was bored, sitting all night in the hospital. I shut off my phone and went to bed.

 

Not to sound like a mental patient but I feel I am getting a lot better. Like you said, I feel numb a lot but it's better than being in the grips of agonizing pain and crying every night. I do not feel those feelings anymore. I do not feel love, it went away. I guess I feel - some emotion I cannot define - that feeling where you see the other person and they are totally fine and you think, I want to be fine like that.

 

I strive to just not care. I'm getting there. I am so thankful it ended and I am 5 months out. I'm hopeful now.

[Lovetoohard]

You have definitely made progress even though it may not seem like it on those “back in some deep hole” kind of days. One, you told him that he was an inauthentic fraud. The OW in most cases is always in an “inferior” position with unequal bargaining power compared to the MM, so for you to call him out on his inauthenticity shows that you have regained your voice, without "fearing the consequences of rocking the boat.” Second, you’re able to look at him at an arm’s length perspective and see the real him. It’s the same old tired words, manipulative tactics, and dysfunctional conversation. All those words that seemed so charming once upon a time, where you thought to yourself “this guy just gets me,” may even seem kind of tedious, hollow, and lacking in any real substance now.

 

The dynamic with my xMM was never the same once I started voicing my needs adamantly and would get responses that were simply empty words to keep me in status quo mode so as not to upset the balance that ultimately served his own needs fully, and at everyone else’s expense. A lot of times these responses would display exasperation and anger about how selfish *I* was and how it was all about my needs (um, what???). Sometimes these responses feigned concern for my well-being, peppered with some talk about a future. I used to view him as having this commanding presence, an air of confidence, a warmth and dependability about him, but it was just a figment of my imagination. In reality, he’s a weak, insecure, selfish, coward, who will do anything to keep his outward persona intact so as not to ever give a glimpse to anyone into his most intrinsic nature.

 

Sometimes when he used to talk to me, I could hear the words but I was unable to really listen. Sometimes I would be in utter and complete disbelief and thought he was playing a prank on me and I just wasn't getting it and was possibly just crazy. Other times, I felt an anger so strong, it paralyzed me. Yet other times, I wanted to scream out loud with “is anybody listening to what this man is saying?!?!” so that I could get confirmation of his absurd thoughts. But most of the times, I felt sad, disappointed and isolated. How dare this man claim to love me, yet did nothing but suffocate me by stifling, dismissing, and refusing to listen to my needs while only entertaining what benefited him and him alone? What kind of a monster does that?

 

On bad days, I liken him to having the sliminess of a used car salesman. On better days, I think of him as a lost and broken soul. As much as I didn’t want to see it, I am not sorry that I saw that side of him that others don’t see, not even the people that are close to him. It was a blessing because it gave me the power to make an informed decision about who this person really was and how he had taken up a spot in my life that he did not earn and deserve.

 

Your MM is an unhealthy person. He may never gain self awareness to do any real emotional work and that is truly a sad existence, not only for him, but for his family. You, on the other hand, have taken from this a pretty big life lesson and are doing the hard work of creating a future for yourself that is going to invite healthy, genuine, and caring people in your life. That is an incredibly hard thing to do and you have shown incredible strength, resilience and grace in powering through.

 

And finally, thanks to the poster that requested a good Lemon Drop recipe! Thanks for sharing, LD. I am looking forward to trying it!

Edited May 8, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[jenkins95]

Lemondrop! Any updates on your situation with xMM? I've been thinking about you a lot lately and am really pleased to see the generally positive nature of your latest posts on the boards in general. Is this a sign that you are definitely moving in the right direction?

 

Wishing you all the very best!

 

J

[lemondrop21]

@Lovetoohard - Somehow I missed your post on May 8, I think I was off LS for a few days and didn't see that my thread was bumped up temporarily. That was an amazing post you wrote, thank you! Our MMs are so similar and I always really appreciate your thoughts, and I know I'll read your post many more times.

 

Jenkins, good to see you back. I've seen that you are around sporadically but not as often as before, which hopefully means you're healing. I know it's not linear, but you are healing overall.

 

Things with MM and I have been mostly distant since last week when I called him inauthentic. It obviously shook him up, or maybe just made him angry *shrugs*. The one exception was Wednesday, when some conversation between us felt "closer" and friendlier.

 

Then I got irritated again and had another mini-rant again at him on Thursday. It wasn't full-out angry, though, it was more like angry sadness. I told him that if I accept a new job I've been looking at (which would be back home), it will be primarily in order to get myself far away from this situation and to be able to truly heal. Because I'm not sure that I can do that here in this community, seeing him carrying on with his life (even from a distance), because it's not a normal breakup and is psychologically damaging. I also told him I am not ashamed of feeling this way anymore because I'm not a "weak" person; falling in love is a big deal and takes most people ages to get over.

 

I'm sure some will say that this type of conversation is "giving him power" but I honestly don't feel like it does. I think I'm beyond the "power dynamics" at this point. If it's an ego stroke for him to see me affected... well then so be it, that's just a bit sick, and doesn't ultimately change anything.

 

I'm only just keeping up with a course I'm taking for my masters, but I am keeping up, in a somewhat sleep-deprived state. I am traveling again next weekend and trying to set up at least one date while I'm there - have been chatting with some guys online in advance. Although my moods are crazy up and down, I think overall I have made a whole lot of progress since January.

[jenkins95]

I think overall I have made a whole lot of progress since January.

 

You have indeed! That's so obvious from your posts! Well done lemon - we are proud of you!

 

As for me, well yes, I am around sporadically. Sometimes I really need LS like a crutch. Other times I stay away because it triggers me. I think that's fairly common amongst posters! My recovery is a bit odd to be honest - it's almost as though I have a monthly cycle! I tend to have several good days in a row to the point that I feel like I am genuinely recovering, but then I wake up emotional and fragile for a few days, then have a few sad, weepy days, a few days where I think more about the OW and miss what we had, etc, then back to OK again! I must say, this is a million times better than it was just after the affair when every day was just a horror show, but still it feels a little odd, and after a few good days, it can be quite soul destroying to feel very low again unexpectedly. On the whole, I don't think I could expect a whole lot more than this. It is still only a few months ago since it all hit the fan. I reckon on current progress, that 2 years after D-day I could be feeling almost human again - let's hope so!

 

Great update lemon - you are a strong, determined, amazing woman! You have great times ahead!

 

J x

[lemondrop21]

Just a brief update from me - I had two different dates this weekend. Both went well in their own ways. The second one got physical, although we didn't end up having sex. But I was really pleased with the fact that what stopped me from having sex with this guy had nothing to do with thoughts of MM; the guy was just handling things a bit awkwardly and I could tell it wouldn't have gone well, and anyway I like to avoid first-date sex out of principal. But if the dynamic had been different, and perhaps if we had had a few dates, could I have had sex with him? Yes, I believe I could have.

 

This was a big comeback for me because honestly I was in the depths of despair last week. Last week was AWFUL, just one of those rough patches I suppose. MM and I had a few tense exchanges of words. I am becoming less and less attracted to him. The hardest feelings to deal with were those of disappointment in myself, and a couple days of guilt about his wife/family.

 

Thank goodness the weekend has been better!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Just a brief update from me - I had two different dates this weekend. Both went well in their own ways. The second one got physical, although we didn't end up having sex. But I was really pleased with the fact that what stopped me from having sex with this guy had nothing to do with thoughts of MM; the guy was just handling things a bit awkwardly and I could tell it wouldn't have gone well, and anyway I like to avoid first-date sex out of principal. But if the dynamic had been different, and perhaps if we had had a few dates, could I have had sex with him? Yes, I believe I could have.

 

This was a big comeback for me because honestly I was in the depths of despair last week. Last week was AWFUL, just one of those rough patches I suppose. MM and I had a few tense exchanges of words. I am becoming less and less attracted to him. The hardest feelings to deal with were those of disappointment in myself, and a couple days of guilt about his wife/family.

 

Thank goodness the weekend has been better!

 

Hi Lemon. I am glad to hear you are making progress. I am sure it is difficult since you have to continue to see xMM. I am in the same situation so I really do get it.

 

Mini update from me - I feel like no one knows me on the main board so I'll just post it here for the few who know me. Since I made the massive change professionally, I am feeling a lot happier in general. At the same time, after close to 6 months of being mean and ignoring me, xMM has started contacting me. It's as if he could sense I am truly getting over it all and moving on. He sees me in person so there is nothing magical about it, I guess I just am visibly different.

 

Since he had basically shut off all contact since DDay, I never got any closure, this was pretty big to me that he was willing to talk, so I tried to ask a few questions to understand a few things. Unfortunately he was unwilling to talk at all about the last 5 months, saying that it was too traumatic for him , he wasn't ready. He said a bunch of conflicting things about why he had told her, blamed it at first on my husband which didn't make sense since H found out last summer. Then he said it was me, I was too different, nothing in common and he wasn't ready to leave to take a chance. I tried to understand what he meant as I thought we had a lot in common but again the story changed to it wasn't me at all, it was the fact that he was then and now still unwilling to leave and committed to fixing things but he wanted us to be friends, I could not ask any questions bout his life or the last 5 months or else he would leave our mutual place of business. I said, okay, you should leave. Days passed and I emailed him, so are you leaving? He is not leaving, said he can't leave and we will be friends. But we won't be friends. He is delusional.

 

I got the flirty, I miss you, I never stopped loving you and sexual emails from him followed by how we had to be "good" as he was committed to his marriage and not leaving. I found that really funny. This is a guy who left me in the gutter. I was suicidal and he continued to ignore me. I reassured him that he had nothing to fear from me as not only was I not interested in getting back in an affair with him, I would not be with him even if we both were single.

 

Recently he was complaining to me about her and the same stuff he said a year ago that drew me in because I felt sorry for him. People warned me he'd be back as he is in a sexless marriage but I really didn't believe it - the guy literally ignored me for almost 6 months. He must be really delusional to think I'd go back. I don't feel sorry for him. He's choosing to be there. He's a real dirtbag. I will admit though that him coming back around, even though I know its just for sex, I did feel better, like my ego was a big soothed. Not that its overly flattering to know a guy would say whatever to just use you, but for some reason, it's helped me a lot to move on. It was so difficult seeing him walk around like he was totally fine and ignoring me. Now I know he is not fine, the honeymoon period where he hid out in his marriage is apparently over.

 

It's taking time but I am breaking his control over me.

[imperfectangel]

I feel you midnight blue, my MM will ignore me too. I say "my" really it is over, just loose contact for now. Two months was the longest. It was horrible def my lowest time it was awful that he knew how much he was hurting me yet didn't do or say anything not even a "I'm sorry it's over". Just nothing. Like I was trash that had been thrown out. That's what changed my feelings about him.

 

LD, I'm so glad you're moving on. I was feel so sorry for you - I'm sure you wouldn't want me to - but I can't imagine having to live in the sam town as MM let alone in the same work place! Can't wait for you to tell us his reaction when one day you will walk into work with a massive rock on your hand!!! Haha

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel you midnight blue, my MM will ignore me too. I say "my" really it is over, just loose contact for now. Two months was the longest. It was horrible def my lowest time it was awful that he knew how much he was hurting me yet didn't do or say anything not even a "I'm sorry it's over". Just nothing. Like I was trash that had been thrown out. That's what changed my feelings about him.

 

Exactly Angel. I've followed your posts, though I don't comment much. Trash is a perfect word and worse was his viewpoint that he was surprised that I expected anything more from him. This was not one of those FWB things - this was a guy who knew me for years and professed undying love. It's all such bs. It hurt a lot, A LOT, to see him completely fine, back in his world, happy as a clam. But what goes around comes around I suppose. He's back saying the sweet words - while still saying he is working and committed to his marriage. I used to be really angry/sad/depressed all the time. I hated him and I hated me. Now it actually amuses me.

[Adoraxx]

Exactly Angel. I've followed your posts, though I don't comment much. Trash is a perfect word and worse was his viewpoint that he was surprised that I expected anything more from him. This was not one of those FWB things - this was a guy who knew me for years and professed undying love. It's all such bs. It hurt a lot, A LOT, to see him completely fine, back in his world, happy as a clam. But what goes around comes around I suppose. He's back saying the sweet words - while still saying he is working and committed to his marriage. I used to be really angry/sad/depressed all the time. I hated him and I hated me. Now it actually amuses me.

 

Yes, trash is the perfect word for how they treat us. My A with xMM began 8 years ago and xMM also ignored me for MONTHS (7) and it hurts so much to see him completely fine, walking around without a care.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so much better MidnightBlue.

 

And of course I'm also very happy to hear that you're doing so good too, Lemon!! You made such a big step forward!!!!