Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Bufo]

This observation isn't my original thought. But it seems appropriate to post it here.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate but rather indifference.

 

Until one reaches a state of indifference the AP is still taking up too much space in one's head.

 

Seek indifference.

 

 

And no ladies, I am not the model of the fat laughing Budda. Although maybe there is something to reincarnation after all......

[imperfectangel]

I'm kind of the same. I felt over it but at the same time I couldn't quite let go. I still wanted to see him and if he had left (he was hinting) then I could've been with him. BUT I was recently in hospital and I hardly heard from him, infact I haven't heard from him since I told him why I was hospitalised and it's not contagious either so that's how much he cares. He hasn't even asked if I'm ok. That's enough for me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's funny I post on this random thread. I have no idea who all the other posters are, but for some reason I feel like I know you all. I looked and I last posted 5/22. Since then, like everyone says, he has returned, as if from the dead.

 

Fast back story, together 5 months, my H knew from the beginning, I asked xMM to make a choice (yes, I am crazy, what can I say), xMM chose his wife but wanted both of us, I bowed out and ended it, xMM told her 2 days later and then completely 100% ghosted me, except for the lovely fact that i had to see him. Yes, he ignored me like I did not exist. It was the most painful experience I ever experienced. I was near suicidal, even told him and he literally did not speak a word to me for months outside forced group settings. Zero explanation, closure. Eventually I finally just moved on because what are you going to do, you move on.

 

5 months later - he is all of a sudden back. Just like everyone said. I'm sorry, please forgive me, she was monitoring me, reading my emails, I cried because I lost you, I still love you, I will always love you, I thought I made the right decision back then, just please be my friend if that is all we can have and so on.

 

Nothing changed in their marriage, still sexless. 3 years now. But who really knows, do you? I said, why now, why are you back, what do you want? He just wants to be friends. He is so sorry that he cut me off, he swears he will never do that again. I said, aren't you worried she is going to be suspicious? He says, she is more secure now, she is not monitoring me as much.

 

Here is the best part - he said I love you and I said......I don't know what I feel anymore, my feelings are just different, changed, I'm sorry, the pain is too deep. He says - I understand (my name), I treated you poorly.

 

I'm still processing it all. My guy friend said, I said he's be back, you never listen to me, its just the sex, men are so predictable, it's been 6 months without any action so he's back.

 

That's my update. It is validating to finally have him back, he broke my heart into a million pieces and maybe I can break his. But I think he is just back for sex. I do not think he wants to be friends.

[LimeBlue]

It's funny I post on this random thread. I have no idea who all the other posters are, but for some reason I feel like I know you all. I looked and I last posted 5/22. Since then, like everyone says, he has returned, as if from the dead.

 

Fast back story, together 5 months, my H knew from the beginning, I asked xMM to make a choice (yes, I am crazy, what can I say), xMM chose his wife but wanted both of us, I bowed out and ended it, xMM told her 2 days later and then completely 100% ghosted me, except for the lovely fact that i had to see him. Yes, he ignored me like I did not exist. It was the most painful experience I ever experienced. I was near suicidal, even told him and he literally did not speak a word to me for months outside forced group settings. Zero explanation, closure. Eventually I finally just moved on because what are you going to do, you move on.

 

5 months later - he is all of a sudden back. Just like everyone said. I'm sorry, please forgive me, she was monitoring me, reading my emails, I cried because I lost you, I still love you, I will always love you, I thought I made the right decision back then, just please be my friend if that is all we can have and so on.

 

Nothing changed in their marriage, still sexless. 3 years now. But who really knows, do you? I said, why now, why are you back, what do you want? He just wants to be friends. He is so sorry that he cut me off, he swears he will never do that again. I said, aren't you worried she is going to be suspicious? He says, she is more secure now, she is not monitoring me as much.

 

Here is the best part - he said I love you and I said......I don't know what I feel anymore, my feelings are just different, changed, I'm sorry, the pain is too deep. He says - I understand (my name), I treated you poorly.

 

I'm still processing it all. My guy friend said, I said he's be back, you never listen to me, its just the sex, men are so predictable, it's been 6 months without any action so he's back.

 

That's my update. It is validating to finally have him back, he broke my heart into a million pieces and maybe I can break his. But I think he is just back for sex. I do not think he wants to be friends.

 

Wow Midnight! I remember your story and when this update came through to my phone, I had to log on and reply. Is he ever going to leave her? Have you told your husband he is back? What are you going to do, what is your thoughts and feelings on this? I have zero contact with my MM and I have told him that unless he is divorced that he is not to contact me. I feel secure knowing that he will never grow a set of balls and leave, so I know I will never hear from him again. But... reading your post now has me second guessing... Are you seeing him again in person? Gosh I have so many questions because this raises so much for me, as it does for you too. Why did he come back???

[Bufo]

Mdnight

 

Whoever your male friend is, he's right. Most cheating MM and lots of single guys in the dating/hooking up world are motivated by sexual conquest

 

Target spotting is the first step. Then the chase. Then the conquest. Then the thrill of victory for awhile. Until he gets bored or the AP starts to make demands instead of playing her role and being grateful for crumbs. Or until another target is spotted. All that's left at that point is the hoped for amicable parting. Less chance of complications with BW or BSO. And amicable means one can always go back and tell OW that he can't live without her and splitting up was the worst mistake etc. Easier than locating grooming and conquering a new AP. Or maybe he believes variety is the spice of life and already has OW 2 in his harem. You won't know since your contact with him is erratic.

 

The real pros know what words to say and how far to push without pushing you away.

 

While exceptions exist, sex is the driver behind many men's decision to have an A. If sex were removed from the equation the incidence of A's would drop. LTA's would more likely survive but fewer would start.

[lemondrop21]

Hi Midnight! Some random thoughts about your post...

 

1. It seems to me that he wants the A back. "I want to be friends" = I am not leaving my marriage, let's start back up again as "friends" and then let the sexual tension build, then the A will be on again before we know it.

 

2. He says he thought he made the right choice at the time... well, he still thinks he made the right choice. If he thought he had made the wrong choice then he would approaching you with divorce papers in hand, or at least a plan in that direction. It may not be "just about sex" to him, he may very well have an emotional attachment, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? The outcome will be the same.

 

3. I have a really hard time believing that his marriage is completely sexless for three years. If it is sexless, then he must hold out hope that this will change in the future - that his wife will become interested again - or he plans to continue cheating. Yes, there are some people who just kind of lose their sex drive and are content to stay in sexless marriages with no adultery, but by seeking out a physical affair, he proves that he isn't one of them. So, assuming he isn't lying about the marriage being sexless, then he feels justified to continue cheating as long as his wife isn't interested. What a lovely attitude.

 

4. What's going on with your marriage? I worry that the renewed contact with xMM could derail the progress you've made.

 

Sending you best wishes.

[lemondrop21]

No I'm not really sending this.

 

Dear xMM,

 

Today when I said I understand and respect your decisions... I was referencing staying with your wife, you idiot! I didn't even know what to say when you started blathering on about the kids and how it's hard even seeing their reactions as they know you'll be away for two weeks.

 

You are not staying "only" for the kids. That is complete and utter garbage. You are staying because you love your wife - your relationship isn't perfect but you view it as "good enough."

 

And I respect that, which is what I was trying to say. Please don't start spouting nonsense about your children, I'm not one of these OW who needs to believe you're only in it for the kids. It's just insulting. Which is why I refused to carry on the conversation.

 

And one more thing - if you were staying for the kids, well, then I would tell you that you should come clean to your wife and let her decide whether she also wants to stay in your marriage "for the kids." She's still relatively young and could have a chance at finding someone who is actually interested in the marriage. THAT would be a mature decision to make "for the kids." Not being a martyr.

[SweetiePi]

I admire you consistency posting what you are feeling here rather than to him (showing a raw and honest side). You have given me resolve in another thread to pick myself up and limit my social contact with him. Thank you lemon. Wish I could come to that point of anger you have, but I am lingering in the embarrassment stage. I would describe it here, but it is far too detailed and embarrassing that I felt like I could crawl under a rock and die. I felt quite rejected that day. And he wonders why I have such abandonment issues???? Must be nice to come from a great home and have that love. He has no clue what it is like to be told you are not wanted as a child and feel that continually. Maybe I am beginning to feel angry.

 

 

No I'm not really sending this.

 

Dear xMM,

 

Today when I said I understand and respect your decisions... I was referencing staying with your wife, you idiot! I didn't even know what to say when you started blathering on about the kids and how it's hard even seeing their reactions as they know you'll be away for two weeks.

 

You are not staying "only" for the kids. That is complete and utter garbage. You are staying because you love your wife - your relationship isn't perfect but you view it as "good enough."

 

And I respect that, which is what I was trying to say. Please don't start spouting nonsense about your children, I'm not one of these OW who needs to believe you're only in it for the kids. It's just insulting. Which is why I refused to carry on the conversation.

 

And one more thing - if you were staying for the kids, well, then I would tell you that you should come clean to your wife and let her decide whether she also wants to stay in your marriage "for the kids." She's still relatively young and could have a chance at finding someone who is actually interested in the marriage. THAT would be a mature decision to make "for the kids." Not being a martyr.

[Bufo]

Hmmmmm. Somehow I get the impression that Ms LD doesn't miss the affair

Fog too much any more. Her last letter shows complete rationality, not foggy dreams of what might have been.

 

I've been wrong lots of times, including my recent lottery pics, but I think I'm right here.

 

That letter was a very nice way to call him a jerk (or worse) without actually using those words.

[lemondrop21]

Hmmmmm. Somehow I get the impression that Ms LD doesn't miss the affair

Fog too much any more. Her last letter shows complete rationality, not foggy dreams of what might have been.

 

I've been wrong lots of times, including my recent lottery pics, but I think I'm right here.

 

That letter was a very nice way to call him a jerk (or worse) without actually using those words.

 

Thank you Bufo. Most of the time, that's true. The "fog" is basically gone and I don't romanticize it as I used to. Those feelings - call it fog, limerence, infatuation, whatever - fade over time no matter what, even in a real relationship; but in a real relationship, the relationship endures as those feelings are replaced by a deeper, real love.

 

MM and I never got the chance to develop that real love - and instead of experiencing a man who was taking action to invest in a long term relationship with me, I experienced a man who was deeply confused, waffling around, pushing me away over and over, etc. It would be a turn off for anyone.

 

I still care about him deeply as I said in an earlier post - but with a clear head that is able to see all the complexity of the situation and understand that life is no fairy tale.

[lemondrop21]

I admire you consistency posting what you are feeling here rather than to him (showing a raw and honest side). You have given me resolve in another thread to pick myself up and limit my social contact with him. Thank you lemon. Wish I could come to that point of anger you have, but I am lingering in the embarrassment stage. I would describe it here, but it is far too detailed and embarrassing that I felt like I could crawl under a rock and die. I felt quite rejected that day. And he wonders why I have such abandonment issues???? Must be nice to come from a great home and have that love. He has no clue what it is like to be told you are not wanted as a child and feel that continually. Maybe I am beginning to feel angry.

 

I'm so glad that something I said helped you, SweetiePi. Trust me, the anger will come and it's hard to deal with because all you want to do is let it out. Sometimes I do let it out at MM, sometimes just on this board. I don't know that letting the anger out at MM is the best strategy, and you make a good point about not showing him a raw and honest side of me... In general I am supportive of vulnerability and openness within relationships, but what purpose would it serve after an affair? My therapist says it's understandable because I want him to feel some of my pain. Deep down I know he feels pain too though, regardless of what I say to him.

 

You write about your embarrassment - where is that directed? Are you embarrassed inwardly, at yourself; because of getting involved in something like this? Or is the embarrassment due to your husband's opinion? Or xMM's?

 

I remember I used to feel embarrassed when I thought that I meant less to xMM than he did to me. That was tough to work through. Hugs.

[jenkins95]

Lemon, just caught fully up with your thread after all the updates from last week.

 

I'm just glowing with pride for you. You are in so much better a place now. I know it still hurts on some level, probably a lot, but you post with such clarity, strength and positivity lemon - it's wonderful. The fog really is lifting and you are claiming back your life. Looking forward to hear how your recent trip went.

 

Just off to bed now, happy to have read such positive updates - please do keep them coming lemon!

[Bufo]

LD

 

Use that unsent post/email as a reminder to yourself. Obviously I have no clue about your MM but most MM in a PA do not suffer from a shortage of ego. (Yes I'm sure there are exceptions but that's my general experience).

 

Communication with him about emotional topics will not likely cause

Him hurt but rather make his opinion about his importance to you inflate even more. Like wow, she still wants me! The most effective way you can communicate is via crickets. To quote Alison Krause, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

[SweetiePi]

Thanks for your reply lemon. You are a very warm and kind person. I agree that expressing that raw and vulnerable side should not be to him. It should be to those who love you and the therapist. Letting out my anger to him is NOT an option because I have to work along side him till at least April next year and he is one of my relative's boss.

 

 

Embarrassment is towards myself. I doubt he would ever find this thread, so I will spill it. I went to dinner with him months ago. After all the flirting we did for weeks I was ready to shut it all down and wanted to meet in person (please never do this). The moment I saw him smile I could not close it off. We had a great time and did not realize hours had passed. We walked out together (our vehicles parked next to each other). I had remembered a conversation we had that week about how far we would go with each other and it was agreed that some touching and kissing would be okay for both of us. I put my leftover pizza box on the hood of my car, turned around knocked his box out of his hands clumsily. It was awkward. We gave each other a hug as usual. I reached up and kissed him on the lips. I have no clue what period of time went by as it was a blur all I remember was feeling the coarse stubble on his face. He backed off and told me he "couldn't do this to (wife's name)". He embraced me and I turned around to leave. Got in my car while he pointed out that I nearly drove off with a box on the hood of my car... How embarrassing. He proceeded to text me while I drove off to a friend's home to visit. He apologized profusely because he changed his mind on me in the moment. Said the look on my face was just pure shock and he felt bad. Said he did want to kiss me and hold me, but couldn't (even if his wife was carrying on an affair of her own). Nothing has topped that kind of embarrassment to date. I felt so rejected. Still hurts to this day. A few weeks ago he told me that I have "serious abandonment and commitment issues"... He is right and that hurts. I tend to bottom out emotionally with him every month and dissociate. He doesn't like this and asks me to be vulnerable with him. I hate that I have put in more emotionally than he has. Am not willing to do this anymore. I will go to the meetings I have to once a month with him and after the sport event we do weekly together ends in a couple weeks, I will not sign up for more. I hate having to give up my favourite sport, but have found a way around it to be able to sign up in sept at a different location:)

 

 

I'm so glad that something I said helped you, SweetiePi. Trust me, the anger will come and it's hard to deal with because all you want to do is let it out. Sometimes I do let it out at MM, sometimes just on this board. I don't know that letting the anger out at MM is the best strategy, and you make a good point about not showing him a raw and honest side of me... In general I am supportive of vulnerability and openness within relationships, but what purpose would it serve after an affair? My therapist says it's understandable because I want him to feel some of my pain. Deep down I know he feels pain too though, regardless of what I say to him.

 

You write about your embarrassment - where is that directed? Are you embarrassed inwardly, at yourself; because of getting involved in something like this? Or is the embarrassment due to your husband's opinion? Or xMM's?

 

I remember I used to feel embarrassed when I thought that I meant less to xMM than he did to me. That was tough to work through. Hugs.

[SweetiePi]

This is a wise statement Bufo.

 

 

 

Communication with him about emotional topics will not likely cause

Him hurt but rather make his opinion about his importance to you inflate even more. Like wow, she still wants me! The most effective way you can communicate is via crickets. To quote Alison Krause, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

[Girlfromcali]

I'm so glad that something I said helped you, SweetiePi. Trust me, the anger will come and it's hard to deal with because all you want to do is let it out. Sometimes I do let it out at MM, sometimes just on this board. I don't know that letting the anger out at MM is the best strategy, and you make a good point about not showing him a raw and honest side of me... In general I am supportive of vulnerability and openness within relationships, but what purpose would it serve after an affair? My therapist says it's understandable because I want him to feel some of my pain. Deep down I know he feels pain too though, regardless of what I say to him.

 

You write about your embarrassment - where is that directed? Are you embarrassed inwardly, at yourself; because of getting involved in something like this? Or is the embarrassment due to your husband's opinion? Or xMM's?

 

I remember I used to feel embarrassed when I thought that I meant less to xMM than he did to me. That was tough to work through. Hugs.

 

Lemon drop, I can relate to those feelings of anger and embarrassment, also. I have felt them for sure. I have let the anger out on him a few times. It doesn't really ever do any good because I never get the kind of response back that I want to.

But I was thinking the other day, or I asked myself...have I ever regretted letting the anger out on him? The answer is no I haven't. If I had been "the good girl" and continued the A like he wanted, THAT I would definitely regret. So, if you are the kind of person who shows her emotions, be happy about. That will protect you from bad people. Being authentic will protect you from people that are not meant to be in your life. Be proud that you feel those feelings and are not scared to show them.

 

I had this thing before NC, where I would send these "honest" letters, and I didn't care what he thought. Or so I thought...because he ended up hurting me anyway. So maybe your therapist is smarter in saying that you don't have to show your true self. I guess because even thought I thought it was about me, I wouldn't be sending these messages if I didn't expect some kind of response. Response that will never come.

 

But one thing I want to tell you. Those feelings of anger, sadness, embarrassment etc. they will eventually go away. I have been NC two weeks now, and I feel already a lot better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow Midnight! I remember your story and when this update came through to my phone, I had to log on and reply. Is he ever going to leave her? Have you told your husband he is back? What are you going to do, what is your thoughts and feelings on this? I have zero contact with my MM and I have told him that unless he is divorced that he is not to contact me. I feel secure knowing that he will never grow a set of balls and leave, so I know I will never hear from him again. But... reading your post now has me second guessing... Are you seeing him again in person? Gosh I have so many questions because this raises so much for me, as it does for you too. Why did he come back???

 

Hi LimeBlue. I see him in person, it is unavoidable. Not daily, once a week. In a strange way while it's made it difficult to move on, its helped me heal because I have gotten to see the real person underneath.

 

He's either a real mess or not a good person or some combo of both. It's him who has cut off his wife but he will not leave her nor will he have a real marriage with her. He has his typical male reasons for staying, he loves her, children, money, the usual speech. But he also loves me and is very attracted to me. If I asked him to meet again, he would. But no, he cannot leave her. This is a summary of today's marathon email session. So basically he would use me and cheat on his wife, because he loves us both. I actually am not interested in having him leave, it was just important for me to really understand who he was. I told him as a friend how selfish he was being, his wife deserved someone who was interested in her sexually, and he deserved the same.

 

On a teenage level, he is in love with me and in love with love and sex and newness. He says things like how tragic it is that we cannot be together and he will love me forever, very Romeo and Juliet. I said that I did not believe he loved me or loved anyone for that matter. I said he had no idea what love looked like.

 

It did hurt that he would do that to me again. Okay, the first time around I was swept up in it but he knows I was such a mess, I was suicidal at the end, and he would do it all again. It is confusing when a guy says these things to you and says how love you so much at the same time. It made me sad to see I really meant so little.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Midnight! Some random thoughts about your post...

 

1. It seems to me that he wants the A back. "I want to be friends" = I am not leaving my marriage, let's start back up again as "friends" and then let the sexual tension build, then the A will be on again before we know it.

 

2. He says he thought he made the right choice at the time... well, he still thinks he made the right choice. If he thought he had made the wrong choice then he would approaching you with divorce papers in hand, or at least a plan in that direction. It may not be "just about sex" to him, he may very well have an emotional attachment, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? The outcome will be the same.

 

3. I have a really hard time believing that his marriage is completely sexless for three years. If it is sexless, then he must hold out hope that this will change in the future - that his wife will become interested again - or he plans to continue cheating. Yes, there are some people who just kind of lose their sex drive and are content to stay in sexless marriages with no adultery, but by seeking out a physical affair, he proves that he isn't one of them. So, assuming he isn't lying about the marriage being sexless, then he feels justified to continue cheating as long as his wife isn't interested. What a lovely attitude.

 

4. What's going on with your marriage? I worry that the renewed contact with xMM could derail the progress you've made.

 

Sending you best wishes.

 

You are right. I hadn't posted as I needed to learn more. He says he doesn't want the affair back but what he wants is for it to just happen, so he can feel like he did not orchestrate it. He wants me to suggest meeting so he can get action and then feel no guilt as he runs back to his wife. This new insight today made me feel sad. I'll be honest.

 

xMM does have a problem with getting an erection. (can I say that here?). It was very difficult with me so I do sort of believe his wife got tired of it. He says he is not attracted to her. While I do believe that, they make a pill for that, I told him to go get it. Basically he wants to stay married to her because he loves her but he loves me and is very attracted to me. He has upped the heavy pursuit of me and uses the love word a lot.

 

I do not think he loves me, I do think he is in love with love and sex. I am certainly not going to do anything with him, I won't even have an inperson conversation with him alone. There is an attraction on my part, so I just don't allow it. I promised my husband.

 

My husband is aware I see him and he is aware that xMM wants to be friends. We don't talk about him too much. It's a path I've had to travel to get over what happened. I needed to understand who he really was and why this happened and why it ended so badly.

[privategal]

Thanks for your reply lemon. You are a very warm and kind person. I agree that expressing that raw and vulnerable side should not be to him. It should be to those who love you and the therapist. Letting out my anger to him is NOT an option because I have to work along side him till at least April next year and he is one of my relative's boss.

 

 

Embarrassment is towards myself. I doubt he would ever find this thread, so I will spill it. I went to dinner with him months ago. After all the flirting we did for weeks I was ready to shut it all down and wanted to meet in person (please never do this). The moment I saw him smile I could not close it off. We had a great time and did not realize hours had passed. We walked out together (our vehicles parked next to each other). I had remembered a conversation we had that week about how far we would go with each other and it was agreed that some touching and kissing would be okay for both of us. I put my leftover pizza box on the hood of my car, turned around knocked his box out of his hands clumsily. It was awkward. We gave each other a hug as usual. I reached up and kissed him on the lips. I have no clue what period of time went by as it was a blur all I remember was feeling the coarse stubble on his face. He backed off and told me he "couldn't do this to (wife's name)". He embraced me and I turned around to leave. Got in my car while he pointed out that I nearly drove off with a box on the hood of my car... How embarrassing. He proceeded to text me while I drove off to a friend's home to visit. He apologized profusely because he changed his mind on me in the moment. Said the look on my face was just pure shock and he felt bad. Said he did want to kiss me and hold me, but couldn't (even if his wife was carrying on an affair of her own). Nothing has topped that kind of embarrassment to date. I felt so rejected. Still hurts to this day. A few weeks ago he told me that I have "serious abandonment and commitment issues"... He is right and that hurts. I tend to bottom out emotionally with him every month and dissociate. He doesn't like this and asks me to be vulnerable with him. I hate that I have put in more emotionally than he has. Am not willing to do this anymore. I will go to the meetings I have to once a month with him and after the sport event we do weekly together ends in a couple weeks, I will not sign up for more. I hate having to give up my favourite sport, but have found a way around it to be able to sign up in sept at a different location:)

 

 

Aweee SweetiePi,

Your story really melted my heart and made me want to cry. I have been in a few of these scenarios with XEAP where I had come to a meet up with him with ackward excited anticipation of the things he said could/would/he wanted to happen. Id drive off after embraces goodbye feeling so let down and embarrased feeling like he maybe kind of chuckled to himself "she thought I wad serious" or something like that meaning he'd never risk the love of his life with someone like ME...it was a joke? All talk? I dont know but I felt your pain and raw embarrasment there and it was touching. Please please consider posting your own thread with your story.

I want to help you without derailing Lemons thread. Tell us what happened from the start.

[lemondrop21]

Thanks all for your postings and updates and positive vibes! I'm traveling right now and will respond at some point but there may be some delay. I'm on such a fun trip you guys, catching up with an old friend in a new city - what could be better?

 

SweetiePi, yours is the only post I'm going to respond to right now because I just really want to address the part about him saying you have commitment and abandonment issues and need to be more vulnerable with him. No No NO you do not need to do that, and for him to ask that of you in an affair context is just wrong. I don't care that you have an open marriage, he does not have an open marriage (if I'm remember correctly) and so the power is ALL in his hands, the relationship will always have a skewed power balance and that is NOT a healthy place for you to work on whatever so-called abandonment or commitment issues you might have.

 

It's just absurd. He wants commitment from you? What can he commit to exactly? And in terms of abandonment... In an affair you live day to day with absolutely no idea when he (or she) is going to have an epiphany and recommit to their spouse, or their spouse finds out and they throw you under the bus and go NC on you. If you didn't already have abandonment issues you might easily develop some just by being in an A! Trust me I relate to this, when the A was going full force there would be times when I thought he was going to leave and I would literally start shaking and have near-panic attacks.

 

You in no way should feel embarrassed by his so-called rejection. HE should feel embarrassed over everything - embarrassed for jerking you around, embarassed for having the balls to talk to you about YOUR "issues"... This is all just craziness, Sweetie. I'm really sorry someone is doing this to you and hope he is out of your life soon.

[SweetiePi]

Thank you privategal. I'm still feeling the sting of embarrassment and shame. I feel that same kind of anticipation and anxiety you do... getting lost in the moment and stumbling up words, being clumsy.

 

 

If she really is the "love of his life" he would not be carrying on with you. I think for some this is all a game and the enjoyment of having power and control over another. Am not necessarily saying that is true of my (or your) X, but I feel he is always concerned about what people think of him and that leads him to these actions and placating me... telling me I am special to him and that he opens up to me a lot. I am not special to him and will never be. He really did it last night and I have grown weary of his antics. Pisses me off the way he flirts with the other ladies on our sports team and I let him know that he is coming off as slimy. He says he does not realize he does that. It's not just me, but another girl said he was flirting with her. I must be subconsciously angry with him as I accidentally hit the ball hard towards him and hurt him.

 

 

I will start my own thread later today when I have more time. Thank you for wanting to help.

 

 

 

 

Aweee SweetiePi,

Your story really melted my heart and made me want to cry. I have been in a few of these scenarios with XEAP where I had come to a meet up with him with ackward excited anticipation of the things he said could/would/he wanted to happen. Id drive off after embraces goodbye feeling so let down and embarrased feeling like he maybe kind of chuckled to himself "she thought I wad serious" or something like that meaning he'd never risk the love of his life with someone like ME...it was a joke? All talk? I dont know but I felt your pain and raw embarrasment there and it was touching. Please please consider posting your own thread with your story.

I want to help you without derailing Lemons thread. Tell us what happened from the start.

[SweetiePi]

Hi lemon. Am glad you are enjoying your trip!

 

 

I appreciate your response.. was just what I needed to hear. Yes, there is a skewed balance of power. I have always said to him he has the upper hand with me as my feelings and emotional investment have been more than his. He says that is not true, that we are equals... I just don't buy it anymore.

 

 

I had the same feelings that he would just abandon our friendship at times if he was disappointed in me... that same anxiety you had. My stomach goes in a knot when I am around him and feel like I am going to puke. This has been going on a year prior to getting to know him better.

 

 

I really thought he was being understanding and sweet with me, but now I think he is being a politician in his words and apology. Placating me because I could blow his world up? I would never do that. I have no interest in stinging him like that. I'd rather walk away quietly.

 

 

Thank you for spurring me on to change lemon.

 

 

Thanks all for your postings and updates and positive vibes! I'm traveling right now and will respond at some point but there may be some delay. I'm on such a fun trip you guys, catching up with an old friend in a new city - what could be better?

 

SweetiePi, yours is the only post I'm going to respond to right now because I just really want to address the part about him saying you have commitment and abandonment issues and need to be more vulnerable with him. No No NO you do not need to do that, and for him to ask that of you in an affair context is just wrong. I don't care that you have an open marriage, he does not have an open marriage (if I'm remember correctly) and so the power is ALL in his hands, the relationship will always have a skewed power balance and that is NOT a healthy place for you to work on whatever so-called abandonment or commitment issues you might have.

 

It's just absurd. He wants commitment from you? What can he commit to exactly? And in terms of abandonment... In an affair you live day to day with absolutely no idea when he (or she) is going to have an epiphany and recommit to their spouse, or their spouse finds out and they throw you under the bus and go NC on you. If you didn't already have abandonment issues you might easily develop some just by being in an A! Trust me I relate to this, when the A was going full force there would be times when I thought he was going to leave and I would literally start shaking and have near-panic attacks.

 

You in no way should feel embarrassed by his so-called rejection. HE should feel embarrassed over everything - embarrassed for jerking you around, embarassed for having the balls to talk to you about YOUR "issues"... This is all just craziness, Sweetie. I'm really sorry someone is doing this to you and hope he is out of your life soon.

[lemondrop21]

So, here is my update...

 

Traveled for a week to see an old friend of mine and had an amazing time in the city where she moved a year ago. On top of that, I met a new guy. He was maybe a little quiet for my taste but he was so caring and sensitive and into me.

 

We had one of those three-day whirlwind romance things, I suppose. He joined my friend and I for drinks each night, and on the final night we stayed up the whole night and then kissed passionately before he got in a taxi in the pouring rain.

 

We said we would meet up in two weeks.

 

I got home two days ago, then yesterday we talked on the phone and it was... different. I don't know why. I don't know if I deluded myself into thinking this guy was much more of a match for me than he was, or what.

 

Maybe it was partly the booze. I think it was mostly the fact that I so want something new, something where I can love and be loved freely and wholly.

 

Anyway, I thought I would still go on the trip in two weeks and just see. I mean, why not. But I didn't hear from him all day, and this evening I got a message saying that one of his relatives is severely ill and he needs to fly home instead. I don't think it's an excuse... but I have a feeling that regardless, things are over. It was a three day romance that wasn't meant to last any longer.

 

To top it all off, xMM was kind of an a$$ to me at work today. All of that still hurts, and I am trying SO hard to move on from it. Right now I am just so craving physical touch. I want someone to hold me, to touch me all over, but not in a gross way. In a way that tells me they love me and me alone, that I'm the only light in their world.

 

And so goes the roller coaster that is my life right now.

[BuddyX]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're coming off as needy. If you can't spend a weekend by yourself reflecting in thought you got a long way to go. You have to be outcome independent from all these guys.

Did xMM mess up your day? Or was it bad 15 min and you're milking it?

 

"When you're alone, honesty surfaces much faster"

[lemondrop21]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're coming off as needy. If you can't spend a weekend by yourself reflecting in thought you got a long way to go. You have to be outcome independent from all these guys.

Did xMM mess up your day? Or was it bad 15 min and you're milking it?

 

"When you're alone, honesty surfaces much faster"

 

Hmm, when did I say I couldn't spend a weekend alone? I'm confused.

 

I travel solo all the time, in fact.

 

I'm feeling sad and mopey right now, and perhaps having a needy moment, but it's not representative of the way I live my life overall... at least I don't think it is. I'll give some thought to what you say, but I think perhaps you are misreading my post.