Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[BuddyX]

Maybe I am.

Also, the man you are searching for are hard to find. They do exist. And you should pursue them. But what you're looking for (as you should) is the James Bond type. Confident, cocky, funny, employed and driven. They do exist. Heck, I'm trying to mold myself into one. But first things first, he has to be available.

[lemondrop21]

Maybe I am.

Also, the man you are searching for are hard to find. They do exist. And you should pursue them. But what you're looking for (as you should) is the James Bond type. Confident, cocky, funny, employed and driven. They do exist. Heck, I'm trying to mold myself into one. But first things first, he has to be available.

All of those traits you list are great (except cocky, I don't like that). But I'm looking for a connection, a spark. That's my biggest thing right now. My concern is that I'm inventing "sparks" just because I want someone new. Sigh. I don't know.

[BuddyX]

When you mentioned the last guy, and a lack of spark after the booze wore off I was thinking "Time to move on".

Trust me, you'll have that spark.

[66Charger]

The way I read it, you are right where you should be. Reading other post, you see paragraph after paragraph about the mm and a one liner about the H or bf. While your post are about your fun and adventures and a one liner about the mm.

 

Bravo

 

A special note that you wrote that you need SOMEONE to hold and love you. You did not write you needed the mm to do this, in fact your next lines showed a hint of disgust.

 

Looks like you are out of the fog and not really missing it.

 

Get out there and enjoy life. Soon the love train will stop for you. It always does, when your eyes are clear and you least expect it.

 

Corny, but its true.

[heartwhole]

Well, looking at the bright side, you put yourself out there, had a little romance, and got reminded that sensitive and caring men exist and are interested in you.

 

I'm of the opinion that sparks can't be forced. If you're wondering if you have a spark or not, you don't. Nothing wrong with a little wine and kissing while you're waiting for Mr. Spark to come along, though.

[imperfectangel]

LD, lots of people go on a few dates and then it fizzles out - completely normal. We can't click with everyone unfortunately. But it's great that you don't seem to be missing MM so much. Perhaps him being rude to you at work is really doing you a favour. Maybe he's getting jealous that he knows he's lost you and that you're moving on. I'm sure some times they can sense it.

[Bufo]

There is a very good, but hidden sign in LD's post. The LD of old would have obsessed over why exMM treated her poorly. Here, it's an afterthought. That's progress. Contact without self-imposed heartache.

 

It doesn't cost you much money or effort to get yourself out there does it? And did you have some fun? That's what matters now.

 

I'm going to use a baseball analogy on you now. I can't help it. I'm a guy. And no, it's NOT "no crying in baseball". If you batted .333 over your career, you'd be in the Hall of Fame. No matter how often you struck out. Or if you'd committed a few errors along the way.

 

If you need this explained to you, you prove yourself to be a girly girl.

[Bufo]

Imperfect Angel, being a Brit, gets a free pass on the analogy.

[imperfectangel]

Imperfect Angel, being a Brit, gets a free pass on the analogy.

 

Gonna say I have no idea what you're going on about I'm assuming it's the same as scoring 100 goals in one football match lol

[Bufo]

Imperfect:' short version. Being elected into the Baseball Hallmof Fame is the greatest honor a baseball player can be awarded. He joins the immortals of the game already in the Hall. Sort of like being knighted in the UK, but probably harder to do. Batting average of .333 means one hit every three times at bat. Very few attain that average over a career. Strikeouts are when a batter entirely misses the pitched ball while swinging at it. Errors (in the fielding part of the game) are probably self-explanatory.

 

And even HoF class players go through slumps now and then.

 

If LD knows baseball, she'll know what I was trying to say.

[imperfectangel]

Lol thanks for explaining can't say sport is really my thing but I appreciate you taking the time

[Moxie Lady]

Lemondrop I have followed this thread for awhile. I think what others are saying is that you are making progress by coming out of your comfort zone with MM.

 

You may be frustrated that you dont think your recent long weekend guy panned out. But that still may have potential (by the way I loved the image of him getting into the taxi in the rain, so romantic). And even if it doesnt, look what you are doing: you are opening yourself to others. I have a friend (not an OW situation) who I am trying to get to do that after a painful breakup and I hope and know she will.

 

You said you want to be held and touched all over by the person who considers you the only person in his world (paraphrasing). That man was never MM. Now you have taken the courageous journey of opening yourself to finding that man. Because he is out there and you will find him. Don't "try" to find him too hard. You will find him where and when you least expect.

 

Live your life every day. The best that you can. Be happy for every day. I know it can feel hard but find those happy times and do new things. Be the best "you" that you can be. Thats all you can offer anyone else. Your man will come into your life. You are doing the right thing by being open to it. If you are not open to it then it can never happen.

 

You are emerging from your comfort zone into new and potentially exciting areas. When you stretch a rubber band and then let it go, it never returns to the same shape it was. You are changing YOU. Congratulations

[lemondrop21]

Ha, I do understand the baseball analogy.

 

You guys are mostly right, it's been a long journey over the past months and I've put a lot of work into being open to meeting new men. Back in the fall, I couldn't so much as kiss another man without feeling gross, because I only wanted xMM. That time has passed.

 

But it still affects me when xMM pushes me away instead of "chasing." I suppose that's just human ego. It seems like xMM is going through a massive guilt phase right now, and anxiety about discovery of the A. I think that the fog has parted for him as well, and he has realized the enormous risk he took in having the A. And probably also has realized that he will live with the proverbial axe over his head for a loooong time, because there was no DDay. So he takes it out on me.

 

Anyway, I have to keep reminding myself that I would MUCH rather be in my own position than in his. I can move on and meet someone new. For him it's not that simple... He has to look into w's eyes with the knowledge that he's been a scumbag behind her back all that time, and never came clean. I can't imagine carrying that burden forever and I shudder at the thought (although disclosure sounds almost as bad).

 

So yeah... Good luck to him. And yes, I'm still hurting. But yes, I've also made progress.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Lemon!

 

I agree with the others you have come a long way. Especially because you have to see xMM at work. It's a shame you didn't feel the spark with the other guy as it sounded like a scene straight out of "The Notebook"!

 

I hope your xMM is realising some guilt and hopefully working on himself and his marriage. I fear my xMM has done none of that in the absence of a d-day.

 

Anyway, it's good to hear from you and keep us posted!

[lemondrop21]

Hi Lemon!

 

I agree with the others you have come a long way. Especially because you have to see xMM at work. It's a shame you didn't feel the spark with the other guy as it sounded like a scene straight out of "The Notebook"!

 

I hope your xMM is realising some guilt and hopefully working on himself and his marriage. I fear my xMM has done none of that in the absence of a d-day.

 

Anyway, it's good to hear from you and keep us posted!

 

Thanks for your kind words, GreyCloud! I still have such bad days though. Like today. I agree, The Notebook type of ending would have been nice!

 

xMM is about to try and go full-stop NC again and I know it's going to kind of screw me up for a bit. Hopefully for not as long, because we did NC before and I was ok. And I know it's what needs to ultimately happen. But I must say, I wish I had a vacation with a new guy to look forward to; would have made those "withdrawals" a heck of a lot easier. It hasn't been a PA for a long time and xMM are almost constantly arguing, so what the heck will I be missing?? I know, it's not rational.

 

He's got loads of guilt but I think it's almost entirely directed towards his children. He feels he was never wholly present during the A. Which I'm sure is true, and I feel guilty about that too.

 

I think that his marriage is a sham, and the reason I think that is because I know he has never remotely felt the need to confess (at least he has never given any such indication). He can't be entirely open with his wife and he is fine with such huge secrets remaining between them in their marriage - and this doesn't relate to just the A, there are other things he won't share with her as well. That's the most disturbing part to me, because I just don't work that way. When I've been in serious relationships, I eventually tell my partner EVERYTHING; it takes a while, but I want them to know and accept me fully, as I am. If they can't do that, then what's the point IMO?

 

I would honestly feel better about the whole thing if he felt the need to confess and expressed remorse, because at least then I would know he had good character. Or, if he took the fact that he doesn't feel remorse, as a sign that he needs SERIOUS help and possibly to end the marriage for w's sake.

 

Maybe he will get there in the future, but I'm doubting it. As I said in an earlier post, it seems that the "fog" has parted for him and yet all he wants to do is sweep it all under the rug and move on with his life.

 

I wonder if the kids will always sense something "off" in the marriage. I think they do a decent job of happy family facade, but this is a REALLY BIG underlying secret... you know?

 

Sorry to whoever I unintentionally insulted with this post (I've developed a real love-hate relationship with LS). Time to get on with my life.

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks for your kind words, GreyCloud! I still have such bad days though. Like today. I agree, The Notebook type of ending would have been nice!

 

xMM is about to try and go full-stop NC again and I know it's going to kind of screw me up for a bit. Hopefully for not as long, because we did NC before and I was ok. And I know it's what needs to ultimately happen. But I must say, I wish I had a vacation with a new guy to look forward to; would have made those "withdrawals" a heck of a lot easier. It hasn't been a PA for a long time and xMM are almost constantly arguing, so what the heck will I be missing?? I know, it's not rational.

 

He's got loads of guilt but I think it's almost entirely directed towards his children. He feels he was never wholly present during the A. Which I'm sure is true, and I feel guilty about that too.

 

I think that his marriage is a sham, and the reason I think that is because I know he has never remotely felt the need to confess (at least he has never given any such indication). He can't be entirely open with his wife and he is fine with such huge secrets remaining between them in their marriage - and this doesn't relate to just the A, there are other things he won't share with her as well. That's the most disturbing part to me, because I just don't work that way. When I've been in serious relationships, I eventually tell my partner EVERYTHING; it takes a while, but I want them to know and accept me fully, as I am. If they can't do that, then what's the point IMO?

 

I would honestly feel better about the whole thing if he felt the need to confess and expressed remorse, because at least then I would know he had good character. Or, if he took the fact that he doesn't feel remorse, as a sign that he needs SERIOUS help and possibly to end the marriage for w's sake.

 

Maybe he will get there in the future, but I'm doubting it. As I said in an earlier post, it seems that the "fog" has parted for him and yet all he wants to do is sweep it all under the rug and move on with his life.

 

I wonder if the kids will always sense something "off" in the marriage. I think they do a decent job of happy family facade, but this is a REALLY BIG underlying secret... you know?

 

Sorry to whoever I unintentionally insulted with this post (I've developed a real love-hate relationship with LS). Time to get on with my life.

 

Why is he going to try and go 100% NC again? Has he said this or is it just a gut feeling?

 

I think for a lot of MM's maintaining the facade is far more important to them than working out the reasons why they allowed themselves to enter an A in the first place.

[lemondrop21]

Why is he going to try and go 100% NC again? Has he said this or is it just a gut feeling?

 

I think for a lot of MM's maintaining the facade is far more important to them than working out the reasons why they allowed themselves to enter an A in the first place.

 

He pretty much said it yesterday and then reiterated again today. He doesn't call it "NC" but rather "completely ending things" and he wrote me another gut-wrenching email. Gut-wrenching in the sense that these emails he writes always feel as though he's holding huge parts of himself back and "doing the right thing."

 

The timing is due to two things: one is that I've been flying off the handle at random for the past couple months and he's ready to be done with that; two is that w and kids are gone for certain periods of time in the coming two months and he feels like he needs to rein himself in and make sure he doesn't try and slide back into PA.

 

And yes, his facade is quite elaborate within our company at this point. That's probably reason number three, in fact. He keeps building up his reputation and has more and more to lose. Although I still have strong feelings for him, it sometimes makes me want to vomit, seeing him talking to others at work.

 

What's going on with your A/recovery GreyCloud?

[Grey Cloud]

Just sent you a PM.

[Lovetoohard]

He pretty much said it yesterday and then reiterated again today. He doesn't call it "NC" but rather "completely ending things" and he wrote me another gut-wrenching email. Gut-wrenching in the sense that these emails he writes always feel as though he's holding huge parts of himself back and "doing the right thing."

 

The timing is due to two things: one is that I've been flying off the handle at random for the past couple months and he's ready to be done with that; two is that w and kids are gone for certain periods of time in the coming two months and he feels like he needs to rein himself in and make sure he doesn't try and slide back into PA.

 

And yes, his facade is quite elaborate within our company at this point. That's probably reason number three, in fact. He keeps building up his reputation and has more and more to lose. Although I still have strong feelings for him, it sometimes makes me want to vomit, seeing him talking to others at work.

 

What's going on with your A/recovery GreyCloud?

 

I am so sorry you're going through this. His indecisiveness due to his inner conflict is frustrating to be a witness to.

 

Regarding the timing, I don't think that reason number one should be a reason - you have every right to voice your feelings regarding how his actions have impacted you and what your needs and wants are. But it doesn't surprise me that he's turned that into a reason as a reality check isn't something that a lot of MM in these types of situations can handle, and of course, instead of addressing it in an emotionally healthy way and owning his part, he's made your "flying off the handle" a reason. Reason two almost seems like he's articulating his "stance" on things to hold himself accountable to watch his self control now that the wife and kids are temporarily not there to "chaperone" him. He should have the ability to exercise that self control regardless of whether his family is around or not. I will be very surprised if he is able to rein himself in throughout that entire period they are gone. Finally, while reason three is somewhat valid, I think he still had a lot to lose to begin with, regardless of his burgeoning reputation at work.

 

If NC means doing the right for him, it is the fair thing to do, but it's like he is having this internal debate where he's trying to bargain with himself and convince himself. While I understand that the inherent and addictive nature of affairs messes people up, if he is ever going to fully commit to his marriage and stay on course, this kind of reasoning isn't going to get him far. His reason should be "i'm insanely in love with my wife and kids and can't imagine what a spineless liar I have been and I need to change that and be a better man who is deserving of them." He's had one too many false starts to have any sort of credibility at this point.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[heartwhole]

I'm concerned that the antagonistic emotional intimacy you're still sharing with xMM is making it hard to get the closure you need. I would prefer to see you being the one to back away and put up boundaries, not him. His reasons or the nobleness of his motives don't really matter because you know this is an unhealthy and untenable relationship.

 

I guess it's easy to maintain the same level of emotional intimacy; it's sort of grandfathered in from the past. But I would hope that going forward you would be more cognizant of the dangers of being emotionally intimate with involved men.

[SweetiePi]

Hi lemon. This is exactly how I feel tonight. My thoughts are with you.

 

 

Although I still have strong feelings for him, it sometimes makes me want to vomit, seeing him talking to others at work.

 

 

QUOTE]

[Bufo]

Flying off the handle is a good thing here I suspect. If it made him fearful of what you might do, good work. You created an NC ally.

 

While you certainly have every right not to feel overjoyed at his recent attitude, isn't it better than him begging you to forgive him? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to enhance any feeling of loss you may still have.

 

Years ago I was in a situation similar to yours. She left and found another job. That turned out to be the best possible result. Maybe he isn't looking for another job but at least he won't be chasing you with the guilts, sympathy. Or playing on any stray puppy rescuer tendencies you may have. In short, he won't be pressing any buttons.

[yodelwithyu]

So, here is my update...

 

Traveled for a week to see an old friend of mine and had an amazing time in the city where she moved a year ago. On top of that, I met a new guy. He was maybe a little quiet for my taste but he was so caring and sensitive and into me.

 

We had one of those three-day whirlwind romance things, I suppose. He joined my friend and I for drinks each night, and on the final night we stayed up the whole night and then kissed passionately before he got in a taxi in the pouring rain.

 

We said we would meet up in two weeks.

 

I got home two days ago, then yesterday we talked on the phone and it was... different. I don't know why. I don't know if I deluded myself into thinking this guy was much more of a match for me than he was, or what.

 

Maybe it was partly the booze. I think it was mostly the fact that I so want something new, something where I can love and be loved freely and wholly.

 

Anyway, I thought I would still go on the trip in two weeks and just see. I mean, why not. But I didn't hear from him all day, and this evening I got a message saying that one of his relatives is severely ill and he needs to fly home instead. I don't think it's an excuse... but I have a feeling that regardless, things are over. It was a three day romance that wasn't meant to last any longer.

 

Hey you, so I am a little late to posting. I know you were disappointed with the way things fizzled out, but even in that disappointment, I see hope. The openness to see someone, the longing for a weekend away with another and most of all, moving on. Yes, you are still in touch with exMM and things are not good. Guess what? I have’t seen B for about 9 months and things still aren’t good with us either—we fight a lot. In my head. Ahaha.

 

No seriously, at some point, I will update my thread about trying little OLD, but I was in no way ready! I do know, however, the anticipation and even the anxiousness was a great distraction, if nothing else. So despite having to see him all the time, you were looking forward to spending time with someone else. So what it didn’t work out with THAT guy. The point is there was a guy other than exMM. This post made me think of this song for you in the happiest possible light:

 

“Broken bottles in the hotel lobby. Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again. I know it's crazy to believe in silly things, but it's not that easy.

I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started. But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now. It's time to let it go, go out and start again. But it's not that easy.

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started. High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again. High hopes, when it all comes to an end, but the world keeps spinning...around”

—Kodaline

[lemondrop21]

Hey you, so I am a little late to posting. I know you were disappointed with the way things fizzled out, but even in that disappointment, I see hope. The openness to see someone, the longing for a weekend away with another and most of all, moving on. Yes, you are still in touch with exMM and things are not good. Guess what? I have’t seen B for about 9 months and things still aren’t good with us either—we fight a lot. In my head. Ahaha.

 

No seriously, at some point, I will update my thread about trying little OLD, but I was in no way ready! I do know, however, the anticipation and even the anxiousness was a great distraction, if nothing else. So despite having to see him all the time, you were looking forward to spending time with someone else. So what it didn’t work out with THAT guy. The point is there was a guy other than exMM. This post made me think of this song for you in the happiest possible light:

 

“Broken bottles in the hotel lobby. Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again. I know it's crazy to believe in silly things, but it's not that easy.

I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started. But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now. It's time to let it go, go out and start again. But it's not that easy.

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started. High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again. High hopes, when it all comes to an end, but the world keeps spinning...around”

—Kodaline

 

That's very true, yodel. And my first attempts at dating during the A were pretty terrible, too. There was one instance where I kissed a guy - a fine looking, nice enough guy who was a good kisser - and I felt genuinely repulsed by someone. When you're in love with someone it can really give you blinders... and in a normal relationship, that's great! You're supposed to have blinders that help you stay faithful and focused on your one and only.

 

I'm not surprised that your blinders have lingered for a while because your affair situation was... extreme, to put it mildly. And traumatic. But do keep at it, when you're ready.

 

The other thing to remember is that dating is a numbers game to some extent; you'll have a few good dates, plenty of mediocre dates and some really bad ones. At some point on PM I will share with you the details of my most epic bad date and you'll probably feel better about your own!

 

But even despite the epic bad date, as well as the recent amazing date that turned into a disappointment, dating is what has helped me keep my sanity about xMM. It helps me see a future beyond him, even as I continue to mourn all of that and still experience a decent amount of emotional drama. So, I'm a big fan of keeping at it, girl!

[lemondrop21]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?