Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Grey Cloud]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

Yes, all the time.

 

I think that when people are first coming out of the affair fog and have no where else to turn - when you are stuck in that horrible gut wrenching stage - posting a thread can be valuable to get you started on climbing out of the hole.

 

But several months out of ending an A (like you and I), it's almost as if we need to be so far down the track of recovery and healing that there is greater judgement if we are having bad days, haven't seemingly got over it, broken NC or had a slip up etc. Of course there are great days too and lots of positive self reflection! That's why I think PM's can be more useful depending on what 'stage' you are at.

[Maddieandtae]

Hi Lemon, I just finished reading this whole thread. Not word for word as there is over a years worth of posts! I think you have created a safe thread for others who are in similar situations with their AP's/ex AP's. It seems to me that most other posters who aren't in this position have stayed off this thread so I don't think you need to worry about writing only happiness! If you feel that the thread has served its purpose than close it at your choice. I feel though that this thread has given posters a place to be real and connect:)

[imperfectangel]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

I enjoy your updates though I don't post much myself as emotionally I've moved on from my a and I don't want to go back to posting about my own anymore - I don't want to suck myself back into it!!! But I enjoy reading other people's updates so PM me anytime x

[Onlywhenitrains]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

 

LD - I've found this thread very inspiring and helpful as I'm going through my post-affair recovery. And, will be sad if I see it closed. However, I can understand where you are coming from and how you feel.

 

I see LS as a place to get other people's perspectives from somewhat different angle than mine, and to get support or sense that I'm not alone and the only one who is dealing with the roller coaster of ending the A with MM. Judgment - yes, it's here and will not go away, stated or unstated. The thing is, it somehow doesn't bother me that much if at all. But, I know everybody is different.

 

I've found that LS actually helps me the most in my darkest times. That's just me...

 

All the best to you!

[SweetiePi]

I feel this way too lemon. I've yet to post my own thread because of fear of being judged or people coming down on me. Just like you, I don't like showing a vulnerable side. I'm very sensitive. I find sometimes people here want to only focus on anger (if that works for them great), but sometimes I'm not feeling that anger, but feel fear, love and especially sadness. I allow the anger for a while to acknowledge it, but after a while it is unhealthy for me to not move past it. I hope you continue to post, but if you need a break take one for a week or so Feel free to message me also. I am always willing to listen and will be gentle with you.

 

 

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

[Onlywhenitrains]

You got into affair with the MM. You knew he was married, but you still did it.

 

You continued the A with MM despite him never having any indication to leave.

 

You believed all the obvious lies he told you. You ignored the fact he sleeps in the same bed with his wife, and yes - makes love with her.

 

You took away time that he was supposed to spend with his wife and kids. You stole it from them.

 

You are not strong enough to stop it.

 

You broke holly NC even tough you knew what was gonna follow. You got sucked back into the A. You know he is selfish, narcissistic cake eater, and you still did it

 

You broke NC ....AGAIN!

 

I can go on, and on, and on....

 

The point is this - I have to find my own truth about my A with exMM. The one that will stand the test of time, and will give me peace. My own judgment about the A and my actions is what will ultimately matter. That can not happen over night. It will take time. All the A fog needs to be lifted, and I have to look back at it with clear head and without bitterness or anger in my heart.

 

This notion and heaviness of judgment perceived coming from other people...it may be more related to our own guilt that we feel about our actions, guilt still not fully admitted to ourselves.

 

I don't know. It's hard. But, I'll stand by and own everything I say or do. Even it it's perceived or appeared I wanted to steal other woman's husband. I DIDN'T!

[imperfectangel]

You got into affair with the MM. You knew he was married, but you still did it.

 

You continued the A with MM despite him never having any indication to leave.

 

You believed all the obvious lies he told you. You ignored the fact he sleeps in the same bed with his wife, and yes - makes love with her.

 

You took away time that he was supposed to spend with his wife and kids. You stole it from them.

 

You are not strong enough to stop it.

 

You broke holly NC even tough you knew what was gonna follow. You got sucked back into the A. You know he is selfish, narcissistic cake eater, and you still did it

 

You broke NC ....AGAIN!

 

I can go on, and on, and on....

 

The point is this - I have to find my own truth about my A with exMM. The one that will stand the test of time, and will give me peace. My own judgment about the A and my actions is what will ultimately matter. That can not happen over night. It will take time. All the A fog needs to be lifted, and I have to look back at it with clear head and without bitterness or anger in my heart.

 

This notion and heaviness of judgment perceived coming from other people...it may be more related to our own guilt that we feel about our actions, guilt still not fully admitted to ourselves.

 

I don't know. It's hard. But, I'll stand by and own everything I say or do. Even it it's perceived or appeared I wanted to steal other woman's husband. I DIDN'T!

 

Oh no no no LD is not responsible for what MM chose to do. She did not steal time away from his kids etc he made that decision. I'll never understand people that think like this. Usually and I don't mean this disrespectfully to anyone but if someone is having an affair if it isn't with that particular person they'd find someone else eventually. Yes OW/OM have to take some responsibility for their part but the MM is the one choosing to cheat

[lemondrop21]

Oh no no no LD is not responsible for what MM chose to do. She did not steal time away from his kids etc he made that decision. I'll never understand people that think like this. Usually and I don't mean this disrespectfully to anyone but if someone is having an affair if it isn't with that particular person they'd find someone else eventually. Yes OW/OM have to take some responsibility for their part but the MM is the one choosing to cheat

I think that the beginning part of Onlywhenitrains post was paraphrasing the judgment we all get so often on all of our threads here on the OW board - at least that is the way I read it. She also sent me a PM that seemed to support this idea. I think that Onlywhenitrains is supportive of all of us . That said, then you as always for your support imperfect angel! I so appreciate you .

[imperfectangel]

I must of misread apologies if I did. I'm so defensive on LS even though this is supposed to be our support area it never 100% feels that way for me. Apologies again

 

PS anyone heard fromjenkins? Not seen him post for awhile

[Onlywhenitrains]

I think that the beginning part of Onlywhenitrains post was paraphrasing the judgment we all get so often on all of our threads here on the OW board - at least that is the way I read it. She also sent me a PM that seemed to support this idea. I think that Onlywhenitrains is supportive of all of us . That said, then you as always for your support imperfect angel! I so appreciate you .

 

LD is correct. Should've labeled the first part of the post to avoid confusion...sorry. Was just listing the most common types of judgement OW gets.

[not-so-sure]

Oh no no no LD is not responsible for what MM chose to do. She did not steal time away from his kids etc he made that decision. I'll never understand people that think like this. Usually and I don't mean this disrespectfully to anyone but if someone is having an affair if it isn't with that particular person they'd find someone else eventually. Yes OW/OM have to take some responsibility for their part but the MM is the one choosing to cheat

 

I totally agree. I sheet no blame on the AP for me choosing to cheat, but we live in a society (mine is, at least) where infidelity is proscribed. For an OW/OM to choose to participate in that also shows little respect for social norms so it's no reason to feel better because in a technical sense the MM/MW is the one 'cheating'.

 

It's just a rotten situation all round.

[imperfectangel]

I totally agree. I sheet no blame on the AP for me choosing to cheat, but we live in a society (mine is, at least) where infidelity is proscribed. For an OW/OM to choose to participate in that also shows little respect for social norms so it's no reason to feel better because in a technical sense the MM/MW is the one 'cheating'.

 

It's just a rotten situation all round.

 

Apologies again like I said I'm super defensive on here

[heartwhole]

I've thought about what you said, and I can see how it would be difficult to share the times when you are vulnerable and still interacting with the MM, or, as you said, for the OW who are back in affairs.

 

We all bring our own experiences and issues, and I'm sure my advice is colored by my being a BW. But I also think in real life that I'm not the sort to say, "Oh, you only live once," or, "Whatever makes you happy" to friends who are making questionable or unhealthy choices. The same goes with my marriage, where I play the role of the one who sees trouble coming and steers us clear of it. It can be hard for me to remember that some people are "P"s who take risks and like spontaneity and worry about the consequences only after they're on their way. And then those people will need to navigate themselves out of the mess step by step, something for which I probably don't have the patience. Thankfully my husband made quick work of the emotional part of giving up the OW because even the 10 days or so where he moped and complained and tried to keep the door open a crack to her was too much for me.

 

So anyway, all of this is to say that I am probably not adding much value with my comments, and I am sorry if I have made you feel judged. I came back to LS recently after a little break to focus on being more present in my life, and I think I've slipped up by coming back. The more I read on LS, the more angst I feel regarding my husband's affair, and by taking a break from here, I can make sure the angst is coming from our actual situation and not from investing myself in the stories of others.

 

As many have said, you've made a lot of progress and helped a lot of people here. I have no doubt you will continue making progress, which of course is usually of the "two steps forward, one step back" variety. Looking back, you will see you came a long way, even with a few missteps. You should think of yourself first -- if LS is adding to your life right now, then great. If you're weighed down or censoring yourself, then maybe it's not adding enough to be worth the trouble at the moment. Only you can decide. There will always be people online who jump in to cast stones for the sport of it, but there's good moderator oversight here and you can always block a poster or two. But if the feeling goes beyond that to a sense of not feeling safe to be yourself, then I can understand why you wouldn't want to keep "putting yourself out there."

 

Best wishes, and keep on keepin' on. I think you're an intelligent woman who has a lot to offer, and I'm sure you will kick butt and take names as you move on past the affair.

[minimariah]

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A.

 

Lemon. someone gave me a good advice once -- when on forums like these, you take what YOU need and forget the rest. it is up to you what you'll post. getting out of an affair is not a straight line, road without bumps. in fact, MANY do start it again and that is always accompanied with such a strong feeling of shame + not wanting to disappoint everyone who cheered and gave positive advice and feedback. and that kind of sucks but i am able to understand it. EVERYTHING becomes personal at one point. in general, affairs without a D-day almost always re-start at some point.

 

i don't think you should feel ashamed or as if you failed at something because the A is back on, you still love him & so on. leaving the A is a looooooong road. it's a thin line between a CRITIQUE and judgement. the only folks who won't judge you are really the people who know and love you in real life + people who are in the same situation. that's it. the rest aren't able to look at you without the "OW" label because that's the only thing they know about you.

 

i think you're doing well, you feel satisfied. that's the only thing that matters.

 

and your MM - i'm pretty certain he doesn't love his wife and yes, his marriage probably is a sham. the kids and some kind of sense of obligation to her and their past is probably what's keeping him married + the fear of the unknown, changes, judgement. maybe he can't admit to himself that he failed at something. it's not easy, for either one of you. i can personally empathize & sympathize for all three of you included in this story.

Edited June 19, 2016 by minimariah

[Jersey born raised]

Two points:

 

First the tone of the thread will slowly change as the OP picks a new direction post about it and stays focused on it. Perhaps have this thread locked and start a new one. I have urged WS in the past to start a new thread with perhaps the title: "I will recover my marriage" there are two threads here that are well written and in depth.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Read them and post on each point.

 

Second: yes the WS chose to spend time away from family. Yes he stole from them. But, you enabled and that counts to.

 

Lemon, focus on your experience first and foremost as a guide to what you don't want. When good thoughts and memories arise remind yourself "I want real, not this"

[Jersey born raised]

I have never read of a successful reconciliation that did not follow to some degree the elements contained in these threads.

[minimariah]

But, you enabled and that counts to.

 

Lemon knows that. if anyone gets it, it's Lemon.

 

i noticed one thing on her posts - every single time there is something SOMEONE might get offended about she always makes a small apology in advance. for example: she'll say... "i think his marriage is a sham" & put a small explanation and an apology because there is ALWAYS someone who will respond with the - "well, you know nothing about their marriage!!!" comment. she's very thoughtful and considerate and doesn't always get the same treatment from others so i get why she's reluctant to post on maybe her feelings for the MM, sweeter moments & so on.

Edited June 19, 2016 by minimariah

[lemondrop21]

Two points:

 

First the tone of the thread will slowly change as the OP picks a new direction post about it and stays focused on it. Perhaps have this thread locked and start a new one. I have urged WS in the past to start a new thread with perhaps the title: "I will recover my marriage" there are two threads here that are well written and in depth.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Read them and post on each point.

 

Second: yes the WS chose to spend time away from family. Yes he stole from them. But, you enabled and that counts to.

 

Lemon, focus on your experience first and foremost as a guide to what you don't want. When good thoughts and memories arise remind yourself "I want real, not this"

 

I'm a single OW, not a WS, so I'm confused about your recommendations. I can remember glancing over those threads in the past over on the Infidelity forum, but they're really not meant for me or for someone in my position. If you mean for me to read them in order to get insight into MM's marriage.. well, I feel that at this stage I need to focus on myself. Yes I vented about it a bit the other day, but as long as he intends to stay in the marriage, the details are irrelevant to me and my life.

[Jersey born raised]

It had been awhile since I read your thread, lost track of early info, and responded to very recent posts. I should have taken the time to review before posting had for that I apologize.

 

All of experiences in life are either building blocks. They provide us with insight. Your insight perhaps is now you know what you now know what you don't want. But, in some ways you do - you want a single person with many of the characteristics of this guy. Focus on readings that help you build a picture of what a complete marriage is to you and then followed my suggestions.

 

I ran into a friend who when I last saw him weighed over 300lbs (he had all ways been a big boy) and he had lost over 100lbs. How, no gym, no diet, so how? Every time he went to eat something he asked himself "do I really want to ear this". If he did, he did. If he didn't, he didn't. A goal, simple knowledge of nutrition and one small decision at a time.

 

Be well lemon, and again my apology.

[SolG]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

I completely understand lemon. Not totally exclusively, but by and large LS represents and reinforces a heteronormative monogomous marriage-centric view of relationships. So a lot of advice offered is made in the mostly well-meaning interests of getting folk back on that track to relationship 'success'. And yes that includes admonishment when a poster wanders too far from the accepted norm. And an A is well off the track and therefore judgement abounds. Add to that a fair dose of poster pain due their own experiences with infidelity... and viola, it can certainly feel far les than supportive for OW/M.

 

I certainly don't post here as much as I used to. Partly because I've sorted through most of the confusion and pain that bought me here in the first place. Also partly because I've chosen a path that offers little utility in discussing here in detail; either for myself or others.

 

To paraphrase the oft repeated quote, 'I am where I want to be, and with whom I want to be with'. IRL and on LS :-)

 

That's the question lemon. Are you where you want to be? Or at least heading in the the right direction? If you can put your hand on your heart and say yes, it matters not what others think or write. It's your journey. Share it as and how you will.

 

I for one have benefitted from your sharing thus far. Thank you.

[Lovetoohard]

While the general life cycle, emotional themes, and final outcome of affairs seem to follow a similar pattern for most, I have always said that this stuff is not black and white. There are so many different types of affairs within affairs that make it a somewhat unique experience for each individual involved. And so when the general rules are applied in a sweeping fashion to one's inception, evolution or history of their particular affair, it can become a bit frustrating to witness that "cookie cutter" approach. I do believe each affair is unique.

 

There are affairs that were born out of deep mutual emotional attachment and bonding during a time that that both people seemed to be the only ones that comprehended and completed the missing pieces in their respective lives. There are those that were simply initiated for sex. And i'm sure there are a whole host of other factors that lend to what "type" of an affair it is and where it falls within that spectrum. It is not fair, or beneficial, to lump them all in one category.

 

This stuff is complex. If it were that easy, I think this portion of the LS forum would have crickets chirping, but we've all turned to this place at one point or another, usually in our most desperate times, whether it's when experiencing anger, confusion, sadness, or even "celebrating" the initial feelings of normalcy (which while it may seem pretty trivial is a huge deal!). I don't expect coddling, nor do I condone affairs, but having experienced this stuff myself, I have thoughts and feelings that sometimes cross my mind that I might not necessarily be comfortable sharing with an anonymous audience, who has minimal knowledge of the entirety of my situation. Hell, I won't even share a lot of it with close friends that know. A few days ago, I got into an argument with a good friend who has always over simplified my affair in a manner that is hurtful and while I had patiently dismissed his lack of understanding and got that his intent was that to protect me, it was still a frustrating experience to talk to him about it. Anyway, back to online posting - when it comes to showing vulnerability, even the most well-meaning posts won't help me and I have to sort it through privately, whether it's with a friend who knows all the details and has been through it themselves, going to IC, or even talking to xMM about it. As the healing journey progresses, the level, type, and frequency of support needed changes and so you have to adjust your support system accordingly, at least that's what i've done. And finally, a post that reveals what you are feeling in a particular moment in time is not in any way representative of your life, your personality, your morals and values, or your self esteem.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

Yes. I rarely post. I feel like a broken record. I read my life over and over in other people's posts. xMM is a stereotype. But yet....but yet....I still love him. Worse, I am still in love with him. I see him, which is difficult. For the last 6 weeks, he wanted to be friends, which was some weird hybrid of our affair without the physical aspect. He was saying I love you repeatedly, not really too sexual, being friendly but with terms of endearment, checking in daily, really trying hard, more than before. But yet...he's married and he thinks he is working on his marriage. He was content to remain in his platonic relationship, which is like the ultimate insult and was actually happy with this weird friendship. I think he is just not that sexual? Does his wife really not care?

 

I ended the weird friendship today but of course, I will see him tomorrow. It's a never ending nightmare. He's never leaving so I try to move on, let go, but I can't. I'm stuck. I even told H everything in real time. I wish he would divorce me and go meet someone better. I am on antidepressants to try and help too.

 

I did tell him today to just let me go. I am close to losing it.

[Bufo]

LD your more recent posts seem to be largely for the benefit of others who are following in your footsteps. Your act seems way more together these days.

 

Posters and lurkers are free to accept or reject what you have to offer. I hi k most will benefit from your experience and nonjudgmental postings.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I am thinking of closing this thread, and reopening it down the line when I finally have a substantial update (hopefully something along the lines of, got a new job, moved away from xMM, met the love of my life ).

 

The truth is that I am in an ok place, have made a lot of progress as others have mentioned, and the dating is ok. But it's a real roller coaster, and I don't feel that I can post here in my darker moments as much. I can post anger, but not vulnerability.

 

It also makes me sad that there are a number of others around here too who have become "lurkers" because they can't bear to update their threads as they are back in the A. So I'll get PMs from them. And I always tell them that I update my thread fairly accurately BUT there are things here and there that I omit, because I feel the same way.

 

The judgment, whether stated or not, becomes so heavy that you start to feel like you are displaying a select version of yourself, as you would do on facebook - happy moments and positive progress updates only!

 

I don't want to do that anymore. I'm starting to want out. Do you guys ever feel this way?

 

I've become a bit of a lurker. A) I got in trouble so I had to be off and B) things are weird with me and my AP right now. We're not back in it but I also don't know what we were. Friends, supposedly. He's hot and cold and I'm a bit of a mess, tbh. But I don't want to update my thread bc I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I didn't even talk to my therapist about it for the same reason. So I've stayed quiet. I have so many questions. But I guess I have to just feel my way through this part. But it is comforting to know that other people have been in this place and made it through to the other side.

 

All that to say: I hope you don't close this thread. But of course I understand if do.

[stilltrying16]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about this reluctance to update when there's backsliding. And I can absolutely imagine feeling just this myself. I hope we as a group can be sensitive about this and protect people from feeling they must live up to some linear form of recovery that always goes forward in a straight line.

 

Trying to overcome the pain of an A is such a difficult journey- kudos to anyone who is making the effort at all and has kept going. I can't imagine the progress being linear- it has to be a case of one step forward and a few steps back and those who care have to try to give people the support they need no matter what stage they're at- or what stage they were at previously. Even finding this site and reading shows strength. I have so much respect for people who take on the hard work of recovery. I hope we can all be supportive at every stage. I'm so glad lemon and raindrops brought up this point - thank you.