Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

Two days ago I found out my mom has cancer that has spread multiple places and probably late stage. I'm in an airport now heading home to be with her.

 

I'm an only child with divorced parents and my mom will not speak to my dad so it's just me who will handle everything. My mom does not have a partner, and only a few friends. She has always been a loner and has always had a difficult life. She raised me the best she could and I think all considered I turned out pretty well.

 

I am going between sobbing and numb.

 

I turned to xMM a few hours after I found out. I went to his house (w and kids away right now) and said I needed someone to listen and then I said I needed to be held. He asked if I wanted to stay the night and eventually I said yes because I didn't feel I could be alone.

 

He was still half drunk from guys night watching the football. He did well with the listening and the holding me but then neither of us could sleep and eventually he decided I might want sex, and I just kind of went along with it even though it wasn't really what I wanted. I mean, I didn't know what I wanted, my head was all over the place. Anyway, it was gross - detached sex, not loving. He seemed almost angry or something, and I couldn't even tell why he was doing it. Afterward, he wouldn't touch me the rest of the night even though both of us clearly weren't sleeping. I left around 5:30am and he did hold me then for a bit.

 

I went over again yesterday a couple hours before leaving for the airport and at first he refused to touch me when I sat next to him on the couch. I told him, I don't give a f*** anymore about all of this - whether we have sex or not, the affair ups and downs - I just don't care. My life has changed now. But I asked him to support me and check in on me occasionally as a friend, in the coming months. Because right now I don't have anyone else. He kind of agreed, but I can't even tell if his heart is in it. One minute he looks at me lovingly and the next minute he refuses to touch me.

 

To be honest, he's probably scared s***less that I'll lose it completely in the coming months and expose the A. I already wasn't doing as well this past week and he knew that. Now this... When/if (unfortunately it's more of a "when," I believe) my mother dies it's going to rip my world to pieces.

 

I know it seems like, why am I posting about this or caring at all, when I'm in this state? Most of my thoughts are on my mother, BUT it also makes the A stuff hurt even more. I am relieved that xMM and I had our period of increasing detachment leading up to this, because I can't imagine if we were in the full blown A phase and something like this happened and he couldn't be there for me despite being my "boyfriend." I know I will go through this alone. But still, parts of it hurt... Like, that he's doing the push pull when all I wanted was for someone to hold me, I just found out about my mother's late stage cancer for christs sake, I can't imagine acting hot/cold towards anyone in that state, it's just basic human kindness.

 

There were so many times yesterday when I started crying, and there were times when I wanted to just scream and scream and for someone to hold me while I screamed and lost it. And I know I'll have many more moments like that in the coming months, and I can't turn to xMM... I can't turn to anyone actually. I'm alone. But, better alone than with someone who can't be there for me 100%. I have to just be there for myself now.

[lemondrop21]

Also please no tough love right now and no "you need to block that a**hole everywhere," I might well end up doing that but frankly just in survival mode right now and my head is spinning and more than anything I just need kindness from people.. Just wanted to let you guys know what's going on, please keep me in your thoughts.

[lemondrop21]

Oh and I am working on reaching out to all of my friends right now even though I'm generally a pretty private person, I know I need to get support anywhere I can find it and I know that even though I don't have a romantic partner there are still people who care about me a lot.

[The Aftermath]

Two days ago I found out my mom has cancer that has spread multiple places and probably late stage. I'm in an airport now heading home to be with her.

 

I'm an only child with divorced parents and my mom will not speak to my dad so it's just me who will handle everything. My mom does not have a partner, and only a few friends. She has always been a loner and has always had a difficult life. She raised me the best she could and I think all considered I turned out pretty well.

 

I am going between sobbing and numb.

 

I turned to xMM a few hours after I found out. I went to his house (w and kids away right now) and said I needed someone to listen and then I said I needed to be held. He asked if I wanted to stay the night and eventually I said yes because I didn't feel I could be alone.

 

He was still half drunk from guys night watching the football. He did well with the listening and the holding me but then neither of us could sleep and eventually he decided I might want sex, and I just kind of went along with it even though it wasn't really what I wanted. I mean, I didn't know what I wanted, my head was all over the place. Anyway, it was gross - detached sex, not loving. He seemed almost angry or something, and I couldn't even tell why he was doing it. Afterward, he wouldn't touch me the rest of the night even though both of us clearly weren't sleeping. I left around 5:30am and he did hold me then for a bit.

 

I went over again yesterday a couple hours before leaving for the airport and at first he refused to touch me when I sat next to him on the couch. I told him, I don't give a f*** anymore about all of this - whether we have sex or not, the affair ups and downs - I just don't care. My life has changed now. But I asked him to support me and check in on me occasionally as a friend, in the coming months. Because right now I don't have anyone else. He kind of agreed, but I can't even tell if his heart is in it. One minute he looks at me lovingly and the next minute he refuses to touch me.

 

To be honest, he's probably scared s***less that I'll lose it completely in the coming months and expose the A. I already wasn't doing as well this past week and he knew that. Now this... When/if (unfortunately it's more of a "when," I believe) my mother dies it's going to rip my world to pieces.

 

I know it seems like, why am I posting about this or caring at all, when I'm in this state? Most of my thoughts are on my mother, BUT it also makes the A stuff hurt even more. I am relieved that xMM and I had our period of increasing detachment leading up to this, because I can't imagine if we were in the full blown A phase and something like this happened and he couldn't be there for me despite being my "boyfriend." I know I will go through this alone. But still, parts of it hurt... Like, that he's doing the push pull when all I wanted was for someone to hold me, I just found out about my mother's late stage cancer for christs sake, I can't imagine acting hot/cold towards anyone in that state, it's just basic human kindness.

 

There were so many times yesterday when I started crying, and there were times when I wanted to just scream and scream and for someone to hold me while I screamed and lost it. And I know I'll have many more moments like that in the coming months, and I can't turn to xMM... I can't turn to anyone actually. I'm alone. But, better alone than with someone who can't be there for me 100%. I have to just be there for myself now.

 

Lemon- I am one of those lurkers you spoke about (up @ 2am browsing LS on a work night lol), but I just had to post to let you know Im here for you if you need someone to vent to. I am so so sorry about your mom and will keep you & her in my thoughts and prayers. So sorry to hear your xMM was a total dbag as well.

[Grey Cloud]

Wow Lemon, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. No judgement here in what happened with your xMM and I understand your need to be held etc.

 

Things like this do cause us to take stock and realise life is short and are we making the most of the life we currently have?

 

Big hugs and please keep us updated if you need somewhere to turn x

[stilltrying16]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother, (((((lemon))))). And I am so glad you can be there for your mother- I didn't get that with mine. I'm sorry about MM, and glad you are calling in the troops! Friends can help so much.

 

Be strong for her, the way she was for you. It'll mean so much that you can do this for her. You will be in my thoughts. Sending you both strength.

Edited June 22, 2016 by stilltrying16

[heartwhole]

Oh Lemon, I'm so very sorry to hear about your mother. You must be in terrible shock.

 

I'm so glad to hear you are reaching out to friends. When my dad died suddenly I was humbled by how many friends were available and supportive when I had not done a great job of nurturing those friendships. Let the people in your life support you right now.

 

I am hopeful that someone in your mom's life, maybe even the chaplain at the hospital, can step in to help bear the burden.

 

You are in my thoughts. Remember they always say to put on your oxygen mask first before tending to others. Make sure you are taking care of you as well as your mom. (((Hugs.)))

[imperfectangel]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. It seems inappropriate to talk about MM right now so I won't address any of that just know that you're in all our thoughts right now x

[minimariah]

Lemon, i'm sorry. not sure what to tell you, i went through something similar with my father and i know how hard it is... it's a huge shock. take care of you, i'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[Lovetoohard]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. You are not alone...you have people that care about you, near and far. A big, giant hug to you!!

[Sabella]

((((lemondrop))))

 

I'm so very sorry to hear about your mom It's truly devastaing news and so painful to process.

 

Actually you bringing up what happened with MM isn't weird at all. Your reaction makes perfect sense to what happened and you are being honest. He may be freaking out a bit about where you are in your head right now, I think you nailed that on the head perfectly. I sense from what you wrote about your interaction with him that you are dissapointed that he couldn't fully be there for you in the way you needed. It's a difficult thing to witness, especially when you are hurting so much over your mom and you really needed him. I'm just so sorry.

 

Focus on what you need to do now for your mom and yourself. Everything else can wait to be dealt with latr if need be.

 

I send you nothing but love right now, I'm so sorry.

[Bufo]

LD: sent you a pm.

[Onlywhenitrains]

LD - I'm so sorry about your Mom.

 

You are in my thoughts and sending you hugs, love and wishing you strength! Please reach out if you need anything!

 

Will be thinking of you...

[ladydesigner]

(((lemondrop21))) I am sorry about your mom and am glad you can be with her during this time. Please take care of yourself!

[Sabella]

((((lemondrop))))

just wanted you to know I was thinking of you just now.

[Jersey born raised]

I share you sense of loss. Both my parents have past on. More than ever I feel them in my life. A friend will ask my for my POV about something in their life and as I respond it seems as though my father is speaking, I can hear him saying the same words. At times I hear my mother. In both cases i hear their voice, their cadence, and their concern for a friend.

 

This is their gift to me.

 

I was my fathers caregiver for 4 - 5 years. These are the most precious years to me in my life (D no kids). Spend time with your mother, reminisce on both the good and the bad. Share thoughts on your future. Listen and just be in the moment with her.

 

Like myself, I have several friends who spent the remaining time with a parent day in and day out. Not one regretted it, not a one. So be at peace with acceptance and share each others lives one last time. I have many what ifs in my life. The time spent with my dad is NOT one of them.

[lemondrop21]

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words, here and by PM. I'm sorry I don't have time to respond to the PMs now, but I will in time. I just wanted to post a quick update that I'm here with my mom and it's SO hard but also good. We have had good moments and I am encouraging her to start thinking about things she wants to do.

 

Mood is really up and down for both of us, one minute we are laughing and the next, crying. The oncology appointment Friday was tough. I spoke with the doctor first and told her to please be more general with my mother, who doesn't want to know specifics or statistics. So that's what she did. I have explained to my mom that they can treat and try to contain the cancer but cannot cure it. I have not told her the time estimates, which are pretty dismal. The doctor privately quoted me 1-2 year statistics and commented that she's doing pretty well right now. But the awful thing is, this type of cancer is so unpredictable, you read about people who are doing well and then boom, they're bedridden. She has stage IV andocarcenoma in case that means anything to any of you.

 

The more I'm here, the more I feel it's inevitable that I move back to the states, at least for the time being.

 

Out of all the ways for the A to finally, fully end, I would never have imagined this one. I'm sure I will write more here at some stage about xMM. He floats into my thoughts a few times a day, and I can't help but feel anger even though I was a fully willing participant in the A. But I can't help but think, if he had never opened his big mouth at work, I know I would never have pursued him, not in a million years. So I would either still be with my ex boyfriend; or, I might have met someone else who was available and single. No guarantees of course, but still. I might have had a partner to help me through this. Instead, I'm alone.

 

Guys, all of this is terrifying. I'm going to be spending much more time on cancer support forums from here on out, but I will occasionally update here as well.

Edited June 27, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Adoraxx]

Sending you many big hugs in this difficult time for you, lemon!! I'm glad you can spend time with your mom xx Adoraxx

[yodelwithyu]

(((((Lemon)))))

 

I just caught up on some of the threads after so long and saw your news. Sending lots of love and strength and many many hugs. You are in my thoughts.

 

Love,

Yodel

[heartwhole]

I can only imagine how difficult this all is. You have my thoughts and well wishes.

[imperfectangel]

Sending you as many hugs as possible. I won't pm you but feel free to vent at me if you ever need to

[lemondrop21]

I just had such a strange thought. If I were the one with terminal cancer rather than my mother, what would xMM do? Would he acknowledge me publically then? The answer comes easy... No. He wouldn't. Because I would be dying anyway. In many ways this would solve his dilemma once and for all.

 

But even my mother's cancer is solving his dilemma, because it's taking me far away, ensuring that the A does not re-start. But not only is it taking me far away physically; it's showing me every single day that I am really and truly alone. I have friends of course, but I'm not going to text them updates about every test and appointment that my mother has, every touching conversation, every quarrel that makes me feel like sh*t because I know I'll regret it once she's gone. A real partner would anchor me, would pull me past my mother's death when the time comes. A real partner would hold me at night, would help out with all the things I'm trying to do for my mom, would assure me that I'm doing the right thing or provide another opinion. I don't have a real partner.

 

My mom doesn't, either. We will do this alone, together, she and I. She is the one to feel sorry for because she is facing death too young from painful cancer. My life will go on. But selfishly, I am terrified. Terrified of watching her deteriorate, of watching her die, and of the loneliness I will feel on the night after she takes her last breath, when I am truly, utterly alone.

[66Charger]

My brother John died from cancer last year. He was Army, Special.Forces, fit. ..We thought he would beat it up to the last few days, as he had done so many times before. When he passed, I learned that you arent as terrified as you thought, but you are deeply sad.

 

The one thing that I did, to keep him with me, is take.all of his clothes. Every once in awhile, i will wear.a.peice of his clothing. There is comfort.in that. You actualy feel it and.see them in the mirror.

 

Does it really matter whether you are alone or.not. Focus this time on your family for now. Life can wait.

 

Strength and.Honor.

[Poppy47]

Hi Lemon,

 

I could very well be your Mum... minus cancer.

 

I have one daughter and I am alone with a handful of friends.

 

If I had cancer, the one thing I would want is for my daughter to be with me.

 

I hope you can be with her and forget about the A for the time being. Your Mum needs all of you.

Thinking of you in my heart,

Poppy.

[Sabella]

(((((Lemon drop))))) I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain, even with all that pain, you are getting so much clarity over A. Wow, it's just a lot you are dealing with right now, all at once. I lost both my parents too, father to cancer when I was much younger and my mother just a couple years ago. I know the pain. Just try and focus on your mom and yourself right now, the rest will sort itself out later. Try and take care of yourself, I know it's near impossible, but find a pleasant way to refuel your own tanks too. You will need this and you deserve it. Big, huge, cyber hugs to you.