Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

LS is a huge timesuck for me as well. It does help because I realize, good or bad, I am not special. MM is not special. Our A was far from special. Yesterday someone posted how xMM was writing emails to her, sexting, confusing her yet when she pursued him, he withdrew and said he was trying to be "good".

 

"Good"

 

I couldn't believe it because xMM has said that exact word to me, as if he is on a diet and I am an Oreo cookie. You do not try to be "good" and not sleep with someone else. To me, if you are trying that hard, if its a sincere effort, that is a bad sign. I never heard anyone else say my exact situation till yesterday. It was truly amazing.

 

Regarding your xMM saying it was your fault he did not make it a relationship (paraphrasing), mine did that too in April, said that he knew from the beginning I was too different. He would later change that statement so honestly, if he is spending all his energy trying to not eat women like Oreos, he has no idea why he is acting like he is acting. He is on Level 1 in human psychology and I am on Level 5.

 

It's funny, I can tell who is who by how they write as well. I talk a good game as I try to intellectually dissect it all, in the hopes that I will get a ah-ha moment and be done, but it doesn't really work. The only thing that works is time and distance.

 

Look at us, posting to each other at the same time AND having the same experiences. Are we the same person? lol

 

xMM also said the phrase about "being good" to me. He is and has been trying to "be good." He hasn't had a DDay so he doesn't have that sort of harsh reality wake-up call thing that many seem to go through. But nonetheless, I don't like being spoken to or thought about in that way. He has to "be good" and "resist" me because I am "bad." It's gross when you think about it. I want to be with someone in a real relationship who doesn't have those contradictions going on in their mind.

 

And with that I'm going to spend quality time with my mom, will respond later to angel and heartwhole - my LS time must be controlled!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight -

I really feel for you. First of all, from what I remember your xMM is a particular kind of a**hole. He must have some redeeming qualities as well since you fell for him, but I'm sorry that he turned out to be such a grade-A jerk. HUGE underlying issues there. You got off lucky and I know you know it. But disillusionment is so painful. Believe me, I know.

 

I've lost track of your story to some degree though - did you ever have contact with his wife? Just curious.

 

I do hope you leave your workplace as you discussed in your other thread. I know I would be better off if I could leave my workplace and never see xMM again but I can't now because of my mom. I want to maintain a certain income, and my job is giving me the flexibility to do some remote work for the time being, and a new job wouldn't do that. But for you, I think leaving your job might be a huge blessing, especially given that your h is supportive.

 

Although I will say, one thing I've learned is that there is no magic cure, it just takes time. NC alone won't do it 100% though it will help. Switching jobs or moving won't do it 100% though it will help. It takes time, grieving, reconciling with everything in your own mind. Battling depression makes it harder. The pressure to fix your own marriage probably makes it harder at times too even though you want to stay in the marriage - it's just a lot to process.

 

You mentioned money, and I have to say that I am very fortunate to make money in my current job - especially given tax breaks where I work, and the fact that I have no dependents, means I'm doing quite well right now. Career has always been important to me and that slipped during the A but now I'm really busting my butt since I can't risk losing my job now; I need to keep it so I can help my mom as best I can. I was also lucky enough to travel a fair amount before I found out about my mom's illness, so I suppose I shouldn't complain about xMM and w's "lifestyle" (although some of that travel - probably more than I'd like to admit - was a coping mechanism to forget about the A).

 

I think what makes me angry is more something to do with the idyllic-seeming life that they now have, while I feel like I'm struggling to hold everything together at the seams and to do it all alone. I would give anything to have a strong family support system right now like xMM and w have. BUT, money is not to be shrugged off either - not in my current situation. I have pinched pennies at various times in my life and I am so thankful that right now, I don't have to, and I can go out and buy my mom new clothes to cheer her up, a new mattress to help with her pain, and so on. In that sense, the higher income I have at the moment probably gives me a deeper kind of satisfaction than xMM and w get from their family vacations.

 

Also, thank you for mentioning career and life planning. That sort of thing feels on pause now due to my mom, and was on pause before due to the A's emotional effect on me (I'm embarrassed to say). But life will go on eventually. I should give some thought to my 5-year plan.

 

I know what you mean about spending too much time on LS. I used to do that FAR too much during work. Another reason to find a new job with new projects and new people to meet and things to distract you. I bet your LS usage would decline precipitously.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/586050-false-reconciliation-12.html#post7017197

 

Read this guy's post. I couldn't believe it but he used the same words my H used and my guy friend to make me feel better. He uses steak and cars to describe the difficulty of going back sexually from his AP to the wife.

 

We are the filet minions and lamborghinis ladies.

 

Anyway, I have my own business at home. I see xMM at a meeting weekly where I get business. I will leave but the thing is - like you said, I will take a financial loss and for what, for someone who could care less about me? That said, I will start to look for alternative. Business is tough though, I need to worry about me and my family. But I hear you, I had hoped he would leave. Not happening.

 

Maybe H will start working and money will be less of an issue. Right now it is a big issue. My marriage is better though. As I've weaned off xMM, my H has felt more secure. Nothing ever happened again once it ended. Emotional stuff, but nothing physical.

 

I met his wife about 2.5 years ago. She knows who I am and knows that he still sees me. xMM had her call my H as H was on his back to tell her, so all parties knew. xMM had told her a bunch of lies, I was a stalker, he was not interested, my husband was crazy. H told her it all over the phone but I really don't think she believed him. H did come off as crazy and he had his own EA/PA so it would easily support xMM's story. It is my belief he played the victim and she bought it. He is a consummate liar. All I know is she was so grateful he was going to work on their marriage.

 

As an aside - at times I feel mad at them both. Sexless marriage for years, denial. If they had addressed their problems years ago, none of this would have happened. He obviously wanted to be with her, again, I am just collateral damage.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Lemon, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you! I think we get so disappointed because we have built these mm up in our minds and then when we have a serious life event like you have had, they just run like a coward back to their wives and former life like nothing ever happened. It's frustrating but you don't want someone like that in your life. I know the irrational feelings of jealousy as well. Now I don't feel jealous so much of his wife but sorry for her as she doesn't realise what her husband is actually like! Well actually I think she does but due to all the gaslighting and manipulation by xmm she is probably going a little crazy thinking she is imagining things about him.

 

Today I woke up feeling angry with my xmm all over again and even though we are in NC I wanted to send him an email with all my thoughts. It took every inch of me not to do it. The only reason why I didn't is because it wouldn't achieve or change anything. And maybe my silence speaks louder than words.

[lemondrop21]

Hi Lemon, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you! I think we get so disappointed because we have built these mm up in our minds and then when we have a serious life event like you have had, they just run like a coward back to their wives and former life like nothing ever happened. It's frustrating but you don't want someone like that in your life. I know the irrational feelings of jealousy as well. Now I don't feel jealous so much of his wife but sorry for her as she doesn't realise what her husband is actually like! Well actually I think she does but due to all the gaslighting and manipulation by xmm she is probably going a little crazy thinking she is imagining things about him.

 

Today I woke up feeling angry with my xmm all over again and even though we are in NC I wanted to send him an email with all my thoughts. It took every inch of me not to do it. The only reason why I didn't is because it wouldn't achieve or change anything. And maybe my silence speaks louder than words.

 

Hi grey! I think your silence likely does speak louder than words. That said, I have an email I wrote 6 months ago that I never sent to xMM and I'm still tempted to at times. It was angry but well-written and honest. I still don't know if he knows how much the A screwed my life up. I've said this before... I just really hope he never does this to anyone else. I think that if he had DDay or admitted to it and saw the devastation in w's eyes, he would keep on the straight and narrow in the future but since this hasn't happened, I'm not banking on his faithfulness moving forward and I feel sad for the next one he involves.

 

Anyway, back to the email... I'm assuming you still didn't send it and stuck with NC? How is your NC going?

[lemondrop21]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/586050-false-reconciliation-12.html#post7017197

 

Read this guy's post. I couldn't believe it but he used the same words my H used and my guy friend to make me feel better. He uses steak and cars to describe the difficulty of going back sexually from his AP to the wife.

 

We are the filet minions and lamborghinis ladies.

 

Anyway, I have my own business at home. I see xMM at a meeting weekly where I get business. I will leave but the thing is - like you said, I will take a financial loss and for what, for someone who could care less about me? That said, I will start to look for alternative. Business is tough though, I need to worry about me and my family. But I hear you, I had hoped he would leave. Not happening.

 

Maybe H will start working and money will be less of an issue. Right now it is a big issue. My marriage is better though. As I've weaned off xMM, my H has felt more secure. Nothing ever happened again once it ended. Emotional stuff, but nothing physical.

 

I met his wife about 2.5 years ago. She knows who I am and knows that he still sees me. xMM had her call my H as H was on his back to tell her, so all parties knew. xMM had told her a bunch of lies, I was a stalker, he was not interested, my husband was crazy. H told her it all over the phone but I really don't think she believed him. H did come off as crazy and he had his own EA/PA so it would easily support xMM's story. It is my belief he played the victim and she bought it. He is a consummate liar. All I know is she was so grateful he was going to work on their marriage.

 

As an aside - at times I feel mad at them both. Sexless marriage for years, denial. If they had addressed their problems years ago, none of this would have happened. He obviously wanted to be with her, again, I am just collateral damage.

 

That's right, I remember your story a bit more now midnight. Yours is so complicated that I don't feel I can comment much - also because you are MW and have that whole other set of issues to deal with that I don't have. All I will say is it sounds so confusing and difficult for everyone. I am sorry you've battled depression as well. How is that going? Good for you for holding onto your job through all of this, that shows some real fortitude.

 

As for the filet thread, I read it and it made me kind of sad. Sad in the sense that I never wanted to be xMM's "filet," his rare treat to only enjoy on special occasions. I wanted to be his noodles, pancakes, roast beef sandwich, apple pie and ice cream, and his occasional filet - I wanted to be his everything. I can't wait until I can be that for someone. I have so much more to offer than sex (although I enjoy sex... But life is not all sex) and the cold harsh truth is that I was never able to give xMM much of anything else really.

[lemondrop21]

Oh girlfriend, I hear you. I do, I do.

 

I very much relate to the BW in your situation. I seem to "have it all" -- a cushy life with vacations, help, the doting WH, etc. I don't, of course, have it all, especially in light of a DD, but you don't have the closure that comes from a DD, which is a blessing and a curse for you.

 

I can't help but feel weirdly linked to the OW. I mean, we are the only two people who have ever slept with my husband. As far as I can tell, she's still single and leaving the door open to him all this time later. It's hard just to pretend that she doesn't exist. When I would check her social media, if she posted something happy, I'd feel kind of glad that she was maybe moving on, and kind of annoyed that something good happened to her. If she posted she was sad, I'd feel kind of sorry for her, as though I'm responsible for her pain by proxy, and kind of angry that she didn't get how she brought it on herself, and kind of indifferent . . . My feelings are just all over the place as my head and heart duke it out.

 

Are you doing anything to pick the scabs? I just installed extensions on my browsers and blocked myself from visiting her social media. (I also set a time limit on visiting LoveShack each day, haha.) I deleted Instagram because I would use it to check up on her. It's one thing to deal with my feelings about my husband betraying me, but it's another to keep this imaginary conversation I have with her going in my head.

 

Anyway, your feelings are all valid and make sense. Intellectually, you know that xMM is all kinds of screwed up and narcissistic and that you wouldn't actually be happy with him IRL. You are not a cruel person and you feel terrible being jealous of BW and being part of him betraying her. But emotionally you have all these feelings and because of the nature of an affair, it never ends cleanly like an open relationship, and you have to patch together some kind of closure for yourself.

 

How are you doing with support for yourself during this hard time? Are you in IC? Have you reached out to friends? I think you need some emotional support right now, and I suspect there are some people who have the desire and room in their lives to spend more time with you, if you'll be conscious about reaching out.

 

Hang in there LD. And good riddance to xMM. Ugh, the arrogance . . . "I would have condescended to continue an affair with you, but YOU are too cold for ME so I reject you . . ." Get over yourself, xMM. You're just a dirty, lying cheater.

 

Anger, in my opinion, is good. Don't try to swallow it back down. Let it out. It will give you the strength to make positive changes in your life. Yes, you made bad choices too, but that doesn't make xMM's treatment of you OK. If bad choices were an excuse to abuse others, then I would be slapping my WH silly right this moment . . . You can be angry about how he's mistreated you while still recognizing your own role in the situation.

 

Thank you heartwhole, this was a lovely message and I really enjoyed reading it. You made me laugh too with the "ugh, the arrogance" paragraph.

 

I'm glad you've been able to move on somewhat from xOW's social media. I actually have never had an issue with BW's social media; she appears to have a very private Facebook account the one time I checked and so I couldn't see anything on it. And I just don't look at xMM's Facebook (and we aren't friends on Facebook, never have been). I went through it only twice, at least 8 months ago now, to try and get myself to accept the "he's with his wife" reality. It didn't really do anything much for me. My guess is that your H's xOW's social media is much more interesting because she kind of bares her soul on it - or what she wants people to think is her soul. My xMM just periodically posts some family photos, mostly of the kids, for the sake of relatives. Meh.

 

I have developed this habit of opening whatsapp to see when was the last time he was online. And then I wonder if he got online to actually text anyone or if he was just seeing when I was online. I know that this is some absolutely ridiculous behavior and symptomatic of some lingering addiction.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi grey! I think your silence likely does speak louder than words. That said, I have an email I wrote 6 months ago that I never sent to xMM and I'm still tempted to at times. It was angry but well-written and honest. I still don't know if he knows how much the A screwed my life up. I've said this before... I just really hope he never does this to anyone else. I think that if he had DDay or admitted to it and saw the devastation in w's eyes, he would keep on the straight and narrow in the future but since this hasn't happened, I'm not banking on his faithfulness moving forward and I feel sad for the next one he involves.

 

Anyway, back to the email... I'm assuming you still didn't send it and stuck with NC? How is your NC going?

 

Hi Lemon! 30 days NC and doing well - never sent him an email. This was the point at which it broke down last time and we ended up in a weird sort of EA for about 4 months so it's good to get past this stage. I have good days and bad days. My good days I think good riddance, it's for the best that I will never see or talk to him again. On my bad days I want to reach out and say hi. But I remind myself it won't achieve anything. Things will NEVER be like how they were before so there is no point in trying to maintain a friendship. like you, I don't count on my xmm remaining faithful to his wife, it will only be a matter of time before he crosses the line with someone else. That makes me sad for his wife and sad that I got sucked into the whole thing in the first place.

 

So do you speak to your xmm at work? Or is it just superficial conversation? Does he ask how you are/how your mum is? It must be hard still seeing him at work. I am lucky that if I go NC now he literally is out of my life and I have no idea what he is doing. I had to block him on Facebook because I got a bit stalkerish with his Facebook page and also would check when he was active etc. it's such a stupid cycle, I had to break it.

 

So in regards to my NC he is still in my thoughts every day. But I have no new information, no new hurts. Just waiting for the memories to fade even more which I know will happen in time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Lemon! 30 days NC and doing well - never sent him an email. This was the point at which it broke down last time and we ended up in a weird sort of EA for about 4 months so it's good to get past this stage. I have good days and bad days. My good days I think good riddance, it's for the best that I will never see or talk to him again. On my bad days I want to reach out and say hi. But I remind myself it won't achieve anything. Things will NEVER be like how they were before so there is no point in trying to maintain a friendship. like you, I don't count on my xmm remaining faithful to his wife, it will only be a matter of time before he crosses the line with someone else. That makes me sad for his wife and sad that I got sucked into the whole thing in the first place.

 

So do you speak to your xmm at work? Or is it just superficial conversation? Does he ask how you are/how your mum is? It must be hard still seeing him at work. I am lucky that if I go NC now he literally is out of my life and I have no idea what he is doing. I had to block him on Facebook because I got a bit stalkerish with his Facebook page and also would check when he was active etc. it's such a stupid cycle, I had to break it.

 

So in regards to my NC he is still in my thoughts every day. But I have no new information, no new hurts. Just waiting for the memories to fade even more which I know will happen in time.

 

I'm one week now "NC" (for me I consider that I did not talk to him or look at him Tuesday to count) and I feel better. Today I woke up and felt more like my old self.

[lemondrop21]

((((Lemon drop)))))

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. It must be so hard for you with your mum being sick AND having to deal with mm.

 

Have you seen him recently? I'm jealous of my mm's w as well but what we need to remember is that these women are with men that willingly cheat on them. It isn't a drunken one night stand but planned and prolonged cheating. They may have all the holidays and money but I'd rather have a faithful husband and live in a cardboard box.

 

And their sex life? They might not have had sex for weeks/months. It's easy to look at someone else's life and think they have it all but there must be something missing for him to cheat in the first place

 

Hi angel,

 

You are so right that he's no prize. I have to remind myself of this daily. i don't think that everyone who cheats is automatically a bad person, but I agree with you that prolonged cheating is more disturbing than a one night stand or a relatively short-lived affair. At some point the infatuation/fog dies down and that's when the WS should befome very motivated to make a choice lest it all blow up in their face. If xMM had been motivated to confess to his wife eventually then I would have ended up feeling a lot better about his moral character because at least he was showing a desire to truly commit to SOMEONE.

 

I have seen him recently. I was back at work in the country where I'm working for a month. He came back from his summer holiday in his own home country and the first day he was back, I completely ignored him. I had no desire to talk to him whatsoever, as I was so consumed with my mom's situation. The next day I ended up going to see him in his office on impulse after finding out upsetting news about work. That's the hard part in this case... He is my work confidante so it was so hard for me NOT to go to him.

 

Anyway, that's what broke the silence and led to three weeks of him jerking me around emotionally. I'm not going to give a play by play here because it was just all SO typical, it's not even worth it. I would get upset over something or another and then he would jerk away hard - "I knew this was a mistake" (talking to me) - and then a few days later would want to be friends again.

 

On the last day before I came back to my home country (2 weeks ago), I spent some time at his house during the day. We talked a lot - probably said more in 6 hours than in the previous 6 months. And we made some brunch and ate together and then washed up the dishes together. It was surreal - like this one day of faux normalcy. It literally felt like a dream. He hugged me goodbye before I left, and held me there for a bit. It wasn't sexual in the slightest; it felt truly caring. And then he let me go.

 

So, that day calmed me down a bit. It gave me some closure... Kind of. There was a lot we talked over and apologized for. But then of course, 4 or 5 days later, the anger came back with a vengeance. And I still think that despite his apologies on our one "day of normalcy," he is a very broken person who needs loads of help and who caused SO much more destruction than he realized.I am doing ok though.

 

How are you holding up, Angel?

[lemondrop21]

Just wanted to charge with everyone that I have been keeping up through texts and Skype calls with a guy I met on vacation back in June, just before I found out about my mom's illness. We are on opposite sides of the planet but we got along really well so we're just continuing to chat and see where it goes. We MIGHT get to see each other in person in a few weeks.

[Bufo]

Attention all OW's and exOW's. THAT is the perfect attitude. Hope but not obsession. Read and heed.

[imperfectangel]

Hi angel,

 

You are so right that he's no prize. I have to remind myself of this daily. i don't think that everyone who cheats is automatically a bad person, but I agree with you that prolonged cheating is more disturbing than a one night stand or a relatively short-lived affair. At some point the infatuation/fog dies down and that's when the WS should befome very motivated to make a choice lest it all blow up in their face. If xMM had been motivated to confess to his wife eventually then I would have ended up feeling a lot better about his moral character because at least he was showing a desire to truly commit to SOMEONE.

 

I have seen him recently. I was back at work in the country where I'm working for a month. He came back from his summer holiday in his own home country and the first day he was back, I completely ignored him. I had no desire to talk to him whatsoever, as I was so consumed with my mom's situation. The next day I ended up going to see him in his office on impulse after finding out upsetting news about work. That's the hard part in this case... He is my work confidante so it was so hard for me NOT to go to him.

 

Anyway, that's what broke the silence and led to three weeks of him jerking me around emotionally. I'm not going to give a play by play here because it was just all SO typical, it's not even worth it. I would get upset over something or another and then he would jerk away hard - "I knew this was a mistake" (talking to me) - and then a few days later would want to be friends again.

 

On the last day before I came back to my home country (2 weeks ago), I spent some time at his house during the day. We talked a lot - probably said more in 6 hours than in the previous 6 months. And we made some brunch and ate together and then washed up the dishes together. It was surreal - like this one day of faux normalcy. It literally felt like a dream. He hugged me goodbye before I left, and held me there for a bit. It wasn't sexual in the slightest; it felt truly caring. And then he let me go.

 

So, that day calmed me down a bit. It gave me some closure... Kind of. There was a lot we talked over and apologized for. But then of course, 4 or 5 days later, the anger came back with a vengeance. And I still think that despite his apologies on our one "day of normalcy," he is a very broken person who needs loads of help and who caused SO much more destruction than he realized.I am doing ok though.

 

How are you holding up, Angel?

 

Sorry I only just saw this

 

That's seems so strang him having you in your house?? Surely it would be strange for him to see another woman in his kitchen etc that just seems so strange to me.

 

I'm doing ok. More good days than bad. I was saying to midnight blue I'm trying to focus more on being content than happy. I think when we put pressure on ourselves to be happy you notice the not-so-perfect things more.

 

Do you think anything could happen with this other guy given the distance?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry I only just saw this

 

That's seems so strang him having you in your house?? Surely it would be strange for him to see another woman in his kitchen etc that just seems so strange to me.

 

I'm doing ok. More good days than bad. I was saying to midnight blue I'm trying to focus more on being content than happy. I think when we put pressure on ourselves to be happy you notice the not-so-perfect things more.

 

Do you think anything could happen with this other guy given the distance?

 

I don't strive to be happy. Happiness comes and goes. I strive for peace. There are always annoyances in life, I just try to control what I can, mainly myself. I have noticed the correlation between my sleep, diet, exercise and my mood. Most of my really sad posts here are after midnight.

[imperfectangel]

I always feel worse at night time too. That's when I'm most likely to break NC then I remember he's in bed with his wife so what's the point? So depressing

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi angel,

 

You are so right that he's no prize. I have to remind myself of this daily. i don't think that everyone who cheats is automatically a bad person, but I agree with you that prolonged cheating is more disturbing than a one night stand or a relatively short-lived affair. At some point the infatuation/fog dies down and that's when the WS should befome very motivated to make a choice lest it all blow up in their face. If xMM had been motivated to confess to his wife eventually then I would have ended up feeling a lot better about his moral character because at least he was showing a desire to truly commit to SOMEONE.

 

I have seen him recently. I was back at work in the country where I'm working for a month. He came back from his summer holiday in his own home country and the first day he was back, I completely ignored him. I had no desire to talk to him whatsoever, as I was so consumed with my mom's situation. The next day I ended up going to see him in his office on impulse after finding out upsetting news about work. That's the hard part in this case... He is my work confidante so it was so hard for me NOT to go to him.

 

Anyway, that's what broke the silence and led to three weeks of him jerking me around emotionally. I'm not going to give a play by play here because it was just all SO typical, it's not even worth it. I would get upset over something or another and then he would jerk away hard - "I knew this was a mistake" (talking to me) - and then a few days later would want to be friends again.

 

On the last day before I came back to my home country (2 weeks ago), I spent some time at his house during the day. We talked a lot - probably said more in 6 hours than in the previous 6 months. And we made some brunch and ate together and then washed up the dishes together. It was surreal - like this one day of faux normalcy. It literally felt like a dream. He hugged me goodbye before I left, and held me there for a bit. It wasn't sexual in the slightest; it felt truly caring. And then he let me go.

 

So, that day calmed me down a bit. It gave me some closure... Kind of. There was a lot we talked over and apologized for. But then of course, 4 or 5 days later, the anger came back with a vengeance. And I still think that despite his apologies on our one "day of normalcy," he is a very broken person who needs loads of help and who caused SO much more destruction than he realized.I am doing ok though.

 

How are you holding up, Angel?

 

Closure is like vomit. It comes from within. He can't give you closure. It is something you give yourself. I read that line here and it's kind of gross but it really made sense for me. You can't look for the person who is hurting you to make you feel better. Think about that.

 

I have done what you did over and over and I would also feel better for a bit but then get angry all over again. I couldn't imagine being in his house. That would majorly set me back emotionally. I also relate to your feeling of his being his confidant. I had that too, since we have a lot of things in common professionally. But every single time I went there, just more pain.

 

I think I have broken that feeling now. I hope. The only thing that makes me feel better is not talking or looking at him. At all. I no longer think of him as a friend or even a networking buddy. He is just someone I used to know.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I always feel worse at night time too. That's when I'm most likely to break NC then I remember he's in bed with his wife so what's the point? So depressing

 

I'm also typically with a glass of wine in the hand. I don't get all drunk but the alcohol combined with tiredness just makes me sad.

[heartwhole]

Thank you heartwhole, this was a lovely message and I really enjoyed reading it. You made me laugh too with the "ugh, the arrogance" paragraph.

 

I'm glad you've been able to move on somewhat from xOW's social media. I actually have never had an issue with BW's social media; she appears to have a very private Facebook account the one time I checked and so I couldn't see anything on it. And I just don't look at xMM's Facebook (and we aren't friends on Facebook, never have been). I went through it only twice, at least 8 months ago now, to try and get myself to accept the "he's with his wife" reality. It didn't really do anything much for me. My guess is that your H's xOW's social media is much more interesting because she kind of bares her soul on it - or what she wants people to think is her soul. My xMM just periodically posts some family photos, mostly of the kids, for the sake of relatives. Meh.

 

I have developed this habit of opening whatsapp to see when was the last time he was online. And then I wonder if he got online to actually text anyone or if he was just seeing when I was online. I know that this is some absolutely ridiculous behavior and symptomatic of some lingering addiction.

 

I'm glad you are talking to the new guy. Even if he is half a world away!

 

I don't use WhatsApp, but is there a way to hide or block xMM? That might be good for you mentally.

 

I'll also encourage you to invest in another work friend or two. You can't get through a long day at work without someone to gossip and let off steam with, but of course xMM is not a great choice in that regard.

 

Sometimes I'm just not sure how to read your situation . . . the brunch at his house does seem a bit strange. What were his motives? What were yours? Did it help you move him into the friend category mentally?

 

In any event, you're doing great. I just want you to reach out to people who can be a real support in this difficult time. Keep messaging vacation guy!

[lemondrop21]

Hey guys, thanks for your responses. People are asking about the brunch... it was basically an apology session after both of us said and acted more harshly than we ever had towards each other. Things had started slipping back into A territory for one day (literally ONE day), and then I felt him pulling instantly away, which caused me to flip out, and it had ended with a shouting match and swearing and tears (mine).

 

So we both apologized for all of that, and we talked openly and genuinely and it made me feel calmer for a few days. But of course, the hurt and anger creeps back in. Heartwhole, you asked if this put him in "friend" territory for me - no, because I know we will never actually be friends.

 

As I've reflected more on all of this, I've realized that the attempts at push-pull from him since around May have been at a disturbingly high level. Not only does he push and pull so severely that I swear I could end up with whiplash, he also makes me think that I'm the irrational crazy one and everything is my fault. I admit that I have at times treated him worse than I would treat a REAL boyfriend (I can have a very sharp tongue when I want to), but if he can't understand the reasons WHY all of this would make someone an occasional lunatic, than good riddance.

 

I do believe he was genuinely sharing his feelings with me at the brunch, because I don't think he is fully conscious of what he does. I think he's aware of the small games he plays with me, but on a larger scale, I think he is able to actually convince himself that I'm the bad guy, the crazy one, the one who messed up the A originally and made all the nice happy feelings go away because I was too demanding and pushy and you know, trying to have some fricking self-respect.

 

Anyway...

 

Regarding vacation guy, we Skype about once a week and he's super caring and sweet and exactly what I need right now as I'm dealing with a lot in my life. In some ways I'm glad that the distance gives us space to build things up slowly, as I need to keep working on my own emotional availability after the A and to also make sure I'm trusting him to the level that he deserves. The distance is tough but I can say I'm more optimistic about him than I have been about any of the other post-A guys I've dated. He makes me smile randomly throughout the day when I think of him. I get cautiously optimistic if I think about us having a future together. I think these are very good signs .

Edited August 23, 2016 by lemondrop21

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey guys, thanks for your responses. People are asking about the brunch... it was basically an apology session after both of us said and acted more harshly than we ever had towards each other. Things had started slipping back into A territory for one day (literally ONE day), and then I felt him pulling instantly away, which caused me to flip out, and it had ended with a shouting match and swearing and tears (mine).

 

So we both apologized for all of that, and we talked openly and genuinely and it made me feel calmer for a few days. But of course, the hurt and anger creeps back in. Heartwhole, you asked if this put him in "friend" territory for me - no, because I know we will never actually be friends.

 

As I've reflected more on all of this, I've realized that the attempts at push-pull from him since around May have been at a disturbingly high level. Not only does he push and pull so severely that I swear I could end up with whiplash, he also makes me think that I'm the irrational crazy one and everything is my fault. I admit that I have at times treated him worse than I would treat a REAL boyfriend (I can have a very sharp tongue when I want to), but if he can't understand the reasons WHY all of this would make someone an occasional lunatic, than good riddance.

 

I do believe he was genuinely sharing his feelings with me at the brunch, because I don't think he is fully conscious of what he does. I think he's aware of the small games he plays with me, but on a larger scale, I think he is able to actually convince himself that I'm the bad guy, the crazy one, the one who messed up the A originally and made all the nice happy feelings go away because I was too demanding and pushy and you know, trying to have some fricking self-respect.

 

Anyway...

 

Regarding vacation guy, we Skype about once a week and he's super caring and sweet and exactly what I need right now as I'm dealing with a lot in my life. In some ways I'm glad that the distance gives us space to build things up slowly, as I need to keep working on my own emotional availability after the A and to also make sure I'm trusting him to the level that he deserves. The distance is tough but I can say I'm more optimistic about him than I have been about any of the other post-A guys I've dated. He makes me smile randomly throughout the day when I think of him. I get cautiously optimistic if I think about us having a future together. I think these are very good signs .

 

I relate to what you said about xMM acting like you are the crazy one, to blame, etc. Same here. Exactly.

 

Good job with the new guy!

[rainbowsandkittens]

Hi Lemon! 30 days NC and doing well - never sent him an email. This was the point at which it broke down last time and we ended up in a weird sort of EA for about 4 months so it's good to get past this stage. I have good days and bad days. My good days I think good riddance, it's for the best that I will never see or talk to him again. On my bad days I want to reach out and say hi. But I remind myself it won't achieve anything. Things will NEVER be like how they were before so there is no point in trying to maintain a friendship. like you, I don't count on my xmm remaining faithful to his wife, it will only be a matter of time before he crosses the line with someone else. That makes me sad for his wife and sad that I got sucked into the whole thing in the first place.

 

So do you speak to your xmm at work? Or is it just superficial conversation? Does he ask how you are/how your mum is? It must be hard still seeing him at work. I am lucky that if I go NC now he literally is out of my life and I have no idea what he is doing. I had to block him on Facebook because I got a bit stalkerish with his Facebook page and also would check when he was active etc. it's such a stupid cycle, I had to break it.

 

So in regards to my NC he is still in my thoughts every day. But I have no new information, no new hurts. Just waiting for the memories to fade even more which I know will happen in time.

 

I could have written this. Hoping for those memories to fade for both of us.

[lemondrop21]

I wish I had never had an A and discovered this site called Love Shack where I have wasted SO much time. I will say I've made some lovely friends here but I wish for all of our sakes that we had never gone through any of this.

 

I am trying to focus more on journaling, reflection, mindfulness and so on, mostly about my mother's illness, instead of wasting so much time in this hell hole LS.

 

I can't wait for the last day I ever come here, because then all of these feelings will be fully out of my system. No offense to y'all. Hope everyone's doing ok. I think another LS break may be in order for this gal.

[imperfectangel]

Take care LD xx

[Bufo]

Dammit,,and with your departure will go a respected voice of hard-learned experience. Don't drop out. You've almost earned your graduate degree in counseling. At least post from time to time.

 

I know success stories tend to move on and those who won't or can't learn post essentially the same tale,of woe over and over again. But there's a need for success stories, too.

 

Besides, you are he only member I know of who posted a drink recipie. That was a valuable addition to the body of knowledge here. BTW I had a cucumber martini last week. It was a really good summer drink. Try one in me. If you don't like it, send me the bill.

[heartwhole]

I think a LS break is a great idea.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tell if you're visiting LS because you have feelings that you need to work through, or if you're just kind of needlessly reliving the past by reading about other people's present situations. I know my advice varies from calm encouragement to snippy criticism depending on how I'm feeling about my husband's affair and our current marriage in general.

 

So anyway, yes, I'm weaning off of LS too. I have a timer set on my browser to shut it down after 30 minutes -- last week there was a day I spent over 2 hours here! And just knowing I only have a set amount of time changes how I visit here. I scan quickly for updates that I'm following, maybe post a quick reply, and then close out of the page quickly. It helps me not get sucked back in to new stories without having to go cold turkey.

 

I hope you figure out what works for you! Take care LemonDrop. I'll be thinking of you and your mom.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think a LS break is a great idea.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tell if you're visiting LS because you have feelings that you need to work through, or if you're just kind of needlessly reliving the past by reading about other people's present situations. I know my advice varies from calm encouragement to snippy criticism depending on how I'm feeling about my husband's affair and our current marriage in general.

 

So anyway, yes, I'm weaning off of LS too. I have a timer set on my browser to shut it down after 30 minutes -- last week there was a day I spent over 2 hours here! And just knowing I only have a set amount of time changes how I visit here. I scan quickly for updates that I'm following, maybe post a quick reply, and then close out of the page quickly. It helps me not get sucked back in to new stories without having to go cold turkey.

 

I hope you figure out what works for you! Take care LemonDrop. I'll be thinking of you and your mom.

 

Just drop in and post on the threads we recognize. That is what I do. I've also spent entire afternoons on these threads. I get it.