Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Rea]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. You put a lot of effort into making life as comfortable as possible for her. I'm sure she felt your love no support.

 

I can understand why you (and others) find yourself back in a 'situation' with MM. Where there has been such emotional bonds formed, it is extremely difficult to break away completely.

 

I have not seen my xMM for the best part of a year. We still communicate by text or phone calls every few weeks, not gushy stuff, but a catchup like friends would. We do say we miss each other and that , I believe is genuine on both sides, but the pain I felt from the rejection of his refusal to leave his wife grew enough for us to call time on the A. I know I cannot meet him in person (nor he I) because of what would likely ensue, but I enjoy and value his (distant) friendship.

 

It's been a long time since I have posted here. I stopped posting here mainly because of the number of 'Affair Vigilantes' who seem to hop on every thread to tell anyone in an A where they went or are going wrong, most of whom seem to be BS's, even when the thread starter has made it clear this is not what they want. It's seems a shame that they themselves are without enough boundaries to respect the title of this board.

 

I find the most insightful posts come from those who have been the OM/OW/MM/MW as they speak from experience?

 

I hope you and others continue posting/updating.

 

I wish you all well.

[Bufo]

I remember you. It's hard to forget someone with your humor and candor

 

No 2x4's. just one small comment: don't confuse convenience with attraction.

 

I'm very sorry to read that your mother passed away. One thing I remember very well from my mother's passing was the curious thought to call her when I rationally knew she was gone. It happened when something occurred in the media or in my family. Felt the loss all over again. But it did diminish over time

 

I hope you recuperate from your loss

[SolG]

Hi lemons! ? Missed you around here. Deepest condolences for your loss.

[georgia girl]

Lemon drop,

 

So, so sorry for the loss of your mom and so glad that you had the time to come to peace with it. As for the other, it's your life and I genuinely hope your are happy. You deserve so much happiness in the coming year.

[jenkins95]

Some of you will remember me as an old frequent poster. The other day I got curious about what the other "oldies" had been up to, so I came here to catch up. As expected I recognize a couple voices, but many of the rest have fallen away, replaced by new posters, almost all of whom have essentially the same story.

 

I left LS for two reasons. One was that my mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in June 2016. Although I still posted here off and on in the next few months, especially during my longest NC period last October, my mind was much less occupied with the A.

 

The second reason is that you can only say and hear so much about affairs. It becomes a broken record. Every relationship is a little bit different but there are overarching themes that play out over and over. I'm not seeking the same advice that has been given to me time and again, nor do I feel that I can offer much in the way of advice to others right now. So, I'm back here just to log my story in some corner of the internet. Maybe it will make someone, somewhere feel less alone. And it feels good just to get it out.

 

So, June to December 2016 will remain in my memory as the hardest six months I've ever had. I flew back to [home country] five times in those six months basically splitting my time between here and there, and I'm so thankful I was able to do so. Keeping my job was a tough decision, but it meant that I was able to provide my mom with various comforts during those six months - various little "luxuries" that she would never treat herself to - and to hire home health aides to help when I couldn't be there. When I was here in [country where I work], I spent nearly every evening on Skype with her. I watched her pass through the stages of grief as she declined, and I started to pass through them as well. Our old issues surfaced, we fought, we screamed, we cried, we made up, we told each other we loved each other. I am so, SO lucky you guys. It was SO hard, but I am so grateful to have had the time I did with her, and the ability to help her out as best I could.

 

My mom died in mid-January at a hospice facility, just shy of her 63rd birthday. I had slept beside her in bed the whole night, and she passed just as I was waking up. I know she let go then on purpose, after we had one more night snuggled up together. Being there when someone leaves this earth is powerful. It really does change you.

 

Anyway, back to the A, the reason for this thread... it feels almost sad and trivial typing that, after writing about my mom. I almost hate putting this crap in the same post, but since that is the point of this board, I suppose I will. Last November/December, I did go back to the A - but it was different. I was distracted with my mom, she was my one and only priority, and MM was nothing more than a lunchtime escape. The time zone change meant my mom was asleep during those meetings anyway. No longer did I have the mental energy to devote to "is he going to leave his wife" or "what is going to happen to us in the future?" I told him I didn't want to talk about things like that.

 

After she died, I didn't talk to him for about ten days. He couldn't be there, so what was the point, I felt. After that ten-ish days, we got back in touch and exchanged a few emails, where he made vague statements about doing what he wanted to and what made him happy in the new year, and feeling refreshed and motivated, and was signing his emails "love" which for him is a big deal . Of course this is classic for him and every other waffling cheater in an affair, once they have some experience under their belt... make only vague statements, never any commitments or clarity. So I knew better than to make anything of it, but I did appreciate the "love" signoff. I hoped that maybe THAT could be consistent; the use of the word "love." And then the day before I flew back to [country where I work], I texted him "I love you" at the end of a conversation. He read it. He didn't respond.

 

I then got completely over the top intoxicated on the plane, to the point of vomiting in the bathroom. It was shameful and unlike me.

 

I got back and detached from him somewhat - still saw him sometimes, but kept him at a distance. I went on a long weekend away to [city where I often visit] and got stupid drunk in public once again, this time vomiting in the hair salon (yep, really).

 

But that same weekend, I met a new guy, and saw him again a couple weeks later, and he met my friends, and we were talking every day, and he was calling me "babe." I really liked that. The sex was okay, not mind-blowing but with potential for improvement. I was so enjoying the little things about it that made it NOT an A.. knowing he was always available, being out with him in public, and so on. Then I found out he's involved in some sleazy business practices that weren't at all okay with me. So I ended it.

 

Don't ask me why I can so quickly and easy end something with someone who's involved in shady stuff at work, but yet it's so difficult to end it with someone who's willing to massively deceive their spouse for two years. I feel so ashamed as I write this.

 

So then it was back to the A again, off and on per usual. I was dealing with my mom's estate, traveling back and forth for that. I had her memorial service a few months later since I'm far away. He tried to send flowers, and that didn't even work, because he contacted the wrong funeral home. Yep, that's an incredible show of effort by his standards and it didn't even work out.

 

So where does it stand now? As usual, it's complicated - but differently complicated, as compared to how it was before my mom got sick. The waves of emotion are less intense for me when I argue with him or when I think about a future without him. I've been exploring new opportunities in new countries, and at the same time, he's been approached for some senior positions back in [his home country]. I date whenever I feel like it, and I've been with a couple different guys, in addition to the one I mentioned above.

 

It has its rhythm in a way, but it's still so unhealthy, I know. And he knows it too. I'm increasingly depressed - not just about the A, and not even primarily about A, but the A doesn't help. He comments on that fact and how bad it makes him feel sometimes.

 

The most recent development was that I sent him an email stating what my needs are, and that I'd like him to figure out whether he can meet those needs (in a tangible way, such as IC or sticking to a timeline or something). He surprised me by saying he wanted to go to IC, and that he knew if he didn't, he would end up having some kind of meltdown or something because at some point, he would break from the pressure.

 

He is not saying that he's going to IC for me. He says he's going to figure out why he felt the need to get into the A in the first place. And because he needs to try and be a good dad, and to be able to look at himself in the mirror again, that sort of thing. He says he doesn't have any pre-set expectations one way or the other.

 

So I'm fully expecting that, assuming he sticks it out in counseling, what's coming up is a period of time where he cuts me off completely, at the urging of his counselor, to focus fully on his marriage. And that may very well be what he should do. In my more rational moments, I feel happy to support him in the process of working this whole mess out in some fashion - even if that means we ultimately go our separate ways for good.

 

I'm not sure if I'll continue updating or not, but we'll see. Just to reiterate, I don't need any generic "get out" advice; I'm just posting as an updated for all the other "oldies." Miss you guys:love:.

 

Hey ((((lemondrop))))

 

Lovely to see your avatar again (always makes me thirsty!) - I've missed you. You and a handful of others really helped and supported me when I was at my lowest poijnt and I won't forget that! Thank you! And Grey Cloud too! Grey seems to appear sporadically these days and I keep hoping to 'bump' into her as she is also one of my personal heroes here! Hope to exchange posts with you soon Grey!

 

Above anything else, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You must have been to hell and back. It's wonderful that you supported her so much through those last months. You showed her great love and made her last days as comfortable and happy as possible.

 

Regarding the MM situation, I have to say I am disappointed. Let me stress - I am not disappointed IN you (it's totally understandable that you'd reach for a 'comfort blanket' in such difficult times), but I am disappointed FOR you and I am disappointed IN him. I'm disappointed in him because he continues to cake eat and disrespect his wife and use you, while trotting out the familiar array of excuses and cheater talk. I was no angel, in fact I was a real POS in having an A, but when my A was over it really was over. I'd already hurt two women very badly and I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd continued to lie and string them along after D-day. But I guess that's one of the factors at play here, right? He never had a D-day? What an awful shock it would be to his poor wife to know that he's been cheating for literally years.

 

I'm disappinted for you because, despite your brave words and your stating that he became little more than a 'distraction', the fact is you are still in an A and it still has some kind of hold over you over two years after you started this thread. Even though you meet other guys, his continued presence must surely play with your head and to some extent sabotage your new relationships? I'm sure if you could go back in time to when you wrote the first post on this thread, you would stay 100% in permament NC? I know that's a dumb thing to say on my part - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

 

I only say all the above because I care and want the best for you! You are such a lovely person. You'll be okay, I know you will, but I wish you could break away from the A once and for all!

 

I hope you'll stay here a while! Thank you again so much for being there for me when I needed you!

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm really sorry about your mom, LemonDrop.

 

(((((HUGS)))))

[freengreen]

I am not an oldie but pain is pain.

 

Sorry about your mother, trust me I know its an irreplacable loss, forever.

 

On your A, I truly hope you will find the courage to do what is best for YOU ( if you havnt already)

. Takecare.

[lemondrop21]

So good to see so many of you still lurking around, and I'm also glad to see that a number of you have moved on from your A's. I do wish I could say the same.

 

It's so strange, some days I care SO much and it's like a knife in my heart, and other days I'm just like, whatever.

 

I found out a few days ago that I have a half sister who I never knew about (nor did my dad, until recently). I met her and it was amazing. Anyway I texted him about it (we were supposed to not be talking) and his response was positive but so very brief.

 

I miss having a real boyfriend to tell things like this to. MM doesn't really share my life at all.

 

Today is one of those days where it feels like a knife in my heart.

[Rea]

So good to see so many of you still lurking around, and I'm also glad to see that a number of you have moved on from your A's. I do wish I could say the same.

 

It's so strange, some days I care SO much and it's like a knife in my heart, and other days I'm just like, whatever.

 

I found out a few days ago that I have a half sister who I never knew about (nor did my dad, until recently). I met her and it was amazing. Anyway I texted him about it (we were supposed to not be talking) and his response was positive but so very brief.

 

I miss having a real boyfriend to tell things like this to. MM doesn't really share my life at all.

 

Today is one of those days where it feels like a knife in my heart.

 

Wow Lemondrop - a new half sibling! I'm so glad that this is such a positive experience for you. I expect positive reinforcement is welcome in your life right now. It was good to hear positivity in your post.

 

I completely understand why you miss having a real bf to share such intimate moments/information with. I do too. But the fact that you can now acknowledge this is a giant moon step forward! It was for me too. I have not yet managed to take the next moon step in dating another, despite my romantic distance from xMM, I know I still harbour deep affection for him. I do not feel it is right to 'date' another if those 'feelings' are still present.

 

I truly wish you a most positive future.

[freengreen]

So good to see so many of you still lurking around, and I'm also glad to see that a number of you have moved on from your A's. I do wish I could say the same.

 

It's so strange, some days I care SO much and it's like a knife in my heart, and other days I'm just like, whatever.

 

I found out a few days ago that I have a half sister who I never knew about (nor did my dad, until recently). I met her and it was amazing. Anyway I texted him about it (we were supposed to not be talking) and his response was positive but so very brief.

 

I miss having a real boyfriend to tell things like this to. MM doesn't really share my life at all.

 

Today is one of those days where it feels like a knife in my heart.

Ofcourse you do .. you met your half sibling for thr first time ever!.. and for him its just another 'news'... Well, you enjoy what you found because its a little bit of family you found!!

[jenkins95]

Wonderful about your half sister lemon. This could be the start of something really exciting!

 

It's amazing really, and after what you've been through, this must be such a welcome tonic.

 

Sorry you're feeling down today. Thinking of you. J x

[Onlywhenitrains]

So good to see so many of you still lurking around, and I'm also glad to see that a number of you have moved on from your A's. I do wish I could say the same.

 

It's so strange, some days I care SO much and it's like a knife in my heart, and other days I'm just like, whatever.

 

I found out a few days ago that I have a half sister who I never knew about (nor did my dad, until recently). I met her and it was amazing. Anyway I texted him about it (we were supposed to not be talking) and his response was positive but so very brief.

 

I miss having a real boyfriend to tell things like this to. MM doesn't really share my life at all.

 

Today is one of those days where it feels like a knife in my heart.

 

This really resonated with me. At some point since my A ended last year, I realized that my EX MM never really shared my life with me. And, it was impossible for me to share it with him. It was those little moments of joy that you can never share with the other side if you are in the A. That was what I missed a lot. Among other things.

 

We texted every day, hourly. But, that can never replace talking face to face.

 

It is also that he never really got into or appreciated all those things I wanted to share with him about my life. He was present, but really not.

 

LemonDrop - I'm really sorry for everything you've gone through with your mom, and everything else. I wondered often how you are doing. I'm glad this news about your half sister will be good for you, and bring some joy and happiness.

 

I can also understand "knife in your heart" vs. "whatever" feeling about the A and your MM. Know the feeling, as I lived through it in the very last chapter of my A. I really wish you all the best!

 

You were really missed around here

[Eight]

So good to see so many of you still lurking around, and I'm also glad to see that a number of you have moved on from your A's. I do wish I could say the same.

 

It's so strange, some days I care SO much and it's like a knife in my heart, and other days I'm just like, whatever.

 

I found out a few days ago that I have a half sister who I never knew about (nor did my dad, until recently). I met her and it was amazing. Anyway I texted him about it (we were supposed to not be talking) and his response was positive but so very brief.

 

I miss having a real boyfriend to tell things like this to. MM doesn't really share my life at all.

 

Today is one of those days where it feels like a knife in my heart.

 

Wow; this is crazy, but I too have a half sister who my mom told me about briefly as a teenager and then never spoke of/about her again. A few years ago she contacted my mom but my mom has chosen to not have contact with her. It is something that I have a hard time accepting.

 

I'm sorry you are having a rough day today. I subscribe to the belief that people come into our lives for a reason. At the right time. I have a feeling finding out about your half sister at this point; this time; is a great gift to you. To both of you.

[Grey Cloud]

Hey ((((lemondrop))))

 

Lovely to see your avatar again (always makes me thirsty!) - I've missed you. You and a handful of others really helped and supported me when I was at my lowest poijnt and I won't forget that! Thank you! And Grey Cloud too! Grey seems to appear sporadically these days and I keep hoping to 'bump' into her as she is also one of my personal heroes here! Hope to exchange posts with you soon Grey!

 

)

 

Hi Jenkins! Thanks for the shout out. I am quite sporadic these days on LS which I guess is a good thing! I hope you are doing well. You seem a lot more stronger and content these days. Proud of how far you have come!