Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[jwi71]

To recap - MM and I started an affair two months ago. The first month was incredibly intense feelings, matching those of "limerence" as I've read about. The high was insane.

 

We did not have sex but gradually pushed closer and closer towards it. After maybe 4 or 5 weeks he was convinced he was going to leave his wife because they are so incompatible (according to him). He was in IC, which he started about 2 weeks after things started with me (yes, it all moved quite fast).

 

He went out of town on a business trip two weeks ago, saw the way his four year old daughter reacted after he'd been gone for a week, and decided there was no way he could separate from his wife and leave his kids. He told me this once he got back, and we ended things during that conversation. I was the one who literally walked away, but he also suggested during the conversation that we shouldn't continue as it couldn't end well.

 

We were NC for 5 days (I resisted a couple texts from him) and I went on a weekend getaway, during which I ruined NC by texting him. Pathetic.

 

Then I got back yesterday, and we finally had sex after I had held out for so long. For awhile I said I would wait until he and his wife had separated, and he respected that. Then, the NC was supposed to end things since he will not separate from her. I suppose I had sex with him in a desperate attempt to pull him back in or change his mind or something.

 

Of course, the sex wasn't even mindblowing for me. It was good mind you, but not at the level it would have been if the "fantasy life" had still been in place.

 

So now I'm wallowing around in hell and just thought I'd throw this out there and vent a bit. Thank you all for your support and for sharing your own stories, it really is a big help to me to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

...so now what?

 

Are you going to end it?

Continue?

What do you hope to get out of this? What's the end game here?

[lemondrop21]

jwi: Thank you for asking me what the end game is and what my plan is. I wrote him a letter today, but didn't explicitly say we're going NC. What I did say was that I regretting having sex with him, and that I was happy to take a step back from this so that he can work on his marriage.

 

I don't know if total NC can work right now as we are co-workers AND his wife and kids are gone on a 1-month holiday for the summer, visiting family. I can try my best but just trying to honest based on others' experiences with NC. It's such a ****ty situation.

[Sassy Girl]

jwi: Thank you for asking me what the end game is and what my plan is. I wrote him a letter today, but didn't explicitly say we're going NC. What I did say was that I regretting having sex with him, and that I was happy to take a step back from this so that he can work on his marriage.

 

I don't know if total NC can work right now as we are co-workers AND his wife and kids are gone on a 1-month holiday for the summer, visiting family. I can try my best but just trying to honest based on others' experiences with NC. It's such a ****ty situation.

 

This whole post sounds pretty weak to me. There's no resolve in what you right.

 

You'll be sleeping with him for the month and be back here when the wife comes home and he starts pulling away, all heartbroken.

 

Or not. You choose. But 'try my best' isn't going to cut it.

 

Man, workplace affairs....I'll never get why people want to mess with the or jobs, careers and reputations. Even the smartest people.

[coryreply]

This whole post sounds pretty weak to me. There's no resolve in what you right.

 

You'll be sleeping with him for the month and be back here when the wife comes home and he starts pulling away, all heartbroken.

 

Or not. You choose. But 'try my best' isn't going to cut it.

 

Man, workplace affairs....I'll never get why people want to mess with the or jobs, careers and reputations. Even the smartest people.

 

^^^ Nailed it.

 

OP, if you could look into the future and see how these decisions will effect the quality of your life, and his, you wouldn't do this stuff. The only outcome to all of this will be regret.

[OldRover]

^^^ Nailed it.

 

OP, if you could look into the future and see how these decisions will effect the quality of your life, and his, you wouldn't do this stuff. The only outcome to all of this will be regret.

 

Totally agree, workplace romance has a LOT of risk, and can turn out horrible, especially if there's a three way relationship.

[lemondrop21]

Hmm, I felt like the above post from Sassy last month was a bit harsh. I wasn't trying to be "weak" or to not have resolve, I was just trying to be honest about the fact that NC might not be easy as I'd like it to be, and it wasn't likely to hold at the time.

 

I preferred to be honest about this because I see so many people on here trumpeting their resolve to go NC, only to break NC within three days. Or, more commonly, they're cheering on other OW's and encouraging them to keep NC, calling the MM's a**holes, but they themselves can't keep NC with their own MM's.

 

And I completely understand this! It can be very, very tough to take your own advice. Affairs are incredibly destructive to your self-image, and you can see that and yet you still continue on, unable to cut it off. I feel for every single person on this board, even those in situations where to me, it's unimaginable NOT to go NC due to the horrible way they've been treated. It's simply a "there but for the grace of God go I" situation. Some people start with more baggage than others, and are capable of falling a lot farther, due to the sh*t that life has dealt them.

 

I'm now on day 1 of total NC which is not by choice. As in, he is visiting with and traveling with family for 5 weeks. We do not have contact when he is with his family, ever. I'm feeling pretty good about this so far, have shed some tears but this time and space will be good for me.

Edited July 13, 2015 by lemondrop21

[elaine567]

Many OWs have their own emotional baggage and are often in a pretty vulnerable place before they accepted the advances of a married man in the first place*.

SO even if it is crumbs, specks of dust or tiny atoms of attention she will feed off them and be grateful for them.

 

Going NC is so hard because she is back to facing herself and her own insecurities and emotional baggage alone - that is so scary for a vulnerable woman who didn't just accept the MM into her life, she desperately NEEDED and still, if she is honest, NEEDS the MM to get her through and help her to cope.

Even if he is a complete scumbag and is merely using her for sex, she chooses to ignore that little detail.

 

The answer is to face your own demons first, then you will have the power to place the MM where he deserves to be - OUT of your life.

 

(* I am discounting those women who have entered into affairs purely for the sex, they do not get involved and simply use the MM as a FWB)

[nikki76]

So does this mean when he comes home, he will contact you and let you know it's safe to restart the A again?

 

Why can't he contact you while traveling?

 

How does that make you feel?

 

It sounds like he's the one that gets to dictate YOUR life. This does not sound like a way to life your life. I hope within these 5 weeks you get the strength to realize there is nothing good that is going to come out of this.

 

Believe me, it took 3 times of me going and breaking NC, to finally realize this. I thought NC would be impossible. But it's not, I promise you! Yes, it's hard. But I have finally reached the point where I have absolutely no desire to ever contact him again. Yes, I'm still hurt that I allowed myself to be used as garbage and that i became the person i never once in a mIllinois years thought i would be! But I'm not letting myself fall weak ever again.

 

Taka these 5 weeks and do some serious soul searching.

[Brigit_1]

Hmm, I felt like the above post from Sassy last month was a bit harsh. I wasn't trying to be "weak" or to not have resolve, I was just trying to be honest about the fact that NC might not be easy as I'd like it to be, and it wasn't likely to hold at the time.

 

I preferred to be honest about this because I see so many people on here trumpeting their resolve to go NC, only to break NC within three days. Or, more commonly, they're cheering on other OW's and encouraging them to keep NC, calling the MM's a**holes, but they themselves can't keep NC with their own MM's.

 

And I completely understand this! It can be very, very tough to take your own advice. Affairs are incredibly destructive to your self-image, and you can see that and yet you still continue on, unable to cut it off. I feel for every single person on this board, even those in situations where to me, it's unimaginable NOT to go NC due to the horrible way they've been treated. It's simply a "there but for the grace of God go I" situation. Some people start with more baggage than others, and are capable of falling a lot farther, due to the sh*t that life has dealt them.

 

I'm now on day 1 of total NC which is not by choice. As in, he is visiting with and traveling with family for 5 weeks. We do not have contact when he is with his family, ever. I'm feeling pretty good about this so far, have shed some tears but this time and space will be good for me.

 

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It sounds like you've grown attached to this man. "No contact" will be difficult because you a little addicted to him right now. You'll need to break the addiction. You may fail a million times but don't stop trying.

[lemondrop21]

Actually our NC IS by choice, in a way - we both agreed to it before this stretch of time when he would be away. He wouldn't normally contact me anyway when he's with his family, but I specifically told him not to contact me this time, even if he wanted to, and I said I wouldn't contact him.

 

This was on the advice of my therapist, who recommended that we use this 5 weeks to go NC and have a break from one another. And then we have a date set when we'll talk after the break and see how we both are feeling. But, if either one of us wants to continue NC, we're not obligated to talk on that date.

 

I like this strategy because it feels less dramatic than saying "we're going NC forever," so I don't feel like I'm going through complete withdrawal, but I've already been reflecting a great deal and can already feel myself moving away from the affair emotionally. The thread about "what's the most shocking thing your MM has said to you?" really helped! It's amazing to step back and reflect on how messed up some of the things he said were.

[Sassy Girl]

Hmm, I felt like the above post from Sassy last month was a bit harsh. I wasn't trying to be "weak" or to not have resolve, I was just trying to be honest about the fact that NC might not be easy as I'd like it to be, and it wasn't likely to hold at the time.

 

I preferred to be honest about this because I see so many people on here trumpeting their resolve to go NC, only to break NC within three days. Or, more commonly, they're cheering on other OW's and encouraging them to keep NC, calling the MM's a**holes, but they themselves can't keep NC with their own MM's.

 

And I completely understand this! It can be very, very tough to take your own advice. Affairs are incredibly destructive to your self-image, and you can see that and yet you still continue on, unable to cut it off. I feel for every single person on this board, even those in situations where to me, it's unimaginable NOT to go NC due to the horrible way they've been treated. It's simply a "there but for the grace of God go I" situation. Some people start with more baggage than others, and are capable of falling a lot farther, due to the sh*t that life has dealt them.

 

I'm now on day 1 of total NC which is not by choice. As in, he is visiting with and traveling with family for 5 weeks. We do not have contact when he is with his family, ever. I'm feeling pretty good about this so far, have shed some tears but this time and space will be good for me.

 

was I wrong, though?

[OldRover]

was I wrong, though?

 

No, you weren't wrong, but Lemon makes some good points... not that she's totally right, but I believe she's honest about her situation and understands weakness.

[lemondrop21]

Just felt like posting an update. I'm on week 5 out of 5 during this pre-determined NC period. We will talk next Monday when he is back at work (unless I decide to maintain NC).

 

Sorry in advance if this is super rambly, I'm just using this as a space to vent and collect my thoughts.

 

We had one brief contact time, 2 1/2 weeks in I got a sign-in notification on our private email account, because he signed in on a different device. It made my heart soar in the most pathetic way, because I knew he was thinking of me. He must have logged in to read my last email to him again. I sent him a really brief 100% professional work email a few days later, and he responded professionally, but a bit chatty. So, I know that his wife hasn't found out about us (otherwise he wouldn't be chatty). He was just missing me and thinking about reaching out to me, but didn't do it for whatever reason.

 

I was visiting home for 2 weeks of this 5-week period and that helped me get through, since I was so distracted seeing friends and family. Since I got back a couple weeks ago, it's been horrid. Over the weekend I feared I was falling into depression. This work week has been a little more tolerable since I have structure. But I still spend most of my days distracted, unable to work effectively. He has still been away by the way, he's on 5 weeks of leave.

 

I was dreading his return, but now I just want to get it over with. The longing to see him and dreading seeing him at once, the curiosity as to how he will act towards me... I almost can't stand it anymore.

 

Will I continue the A? I honestly don't know. I hope not, and I've been working towards "no" but it's hard work. I go back and forth about it so much.

 

I'm having these stupid fantasies where he comes back, tells me about how he tried to reconcile with his wife during the past 5 weeks, really tried, and determined that he can't, and he's going to leave, and here is the plan (and proof that a lawyer has been contacted). This will NOT happen. I'm well aware of this.

 

I think there's a 5% chance that he does come back and say, "I know now that my marriage isn't going to work, and I will separate from her, and we've talked about it, but we've agreed to stay her for the next year so that I can save up $XXX money before returning to XXX (their home country). I really want to be with you, will you consider moving to XXX country in a year to be with me?"

 

I don't even know what I'd say to that. I would say I have to think A LOT about it. Because reading all of the crap on here has made me realize that those "plans" rarely materialize.

 

This is all hypothetical. I'm pretty sure the reality will be some wishy-washy nonsense along the lines of, "I really really missed you. I want to continue this "relationship" and eventually I want to make it work. But I need to stick it out with the marriage counseling to show my wife that I've made an honest effort before walking away. So I'm gonna keep doing that. I understand if you can't wait for me." Implication: "But I'd love to continue to have sex with you while I push on through the marriage counseling."

 

Or even better, "I really really missed you. I am trying to make my marriage work. But I can't stop thinking about you. Please let's go have sex."

 

The last one would at least be honest and not future-fakey.

 

What is my plan? My plan is to not say much. To not admit how much I missed him. To, no matter what, say I want some more time, probably a week, to think about everything. I'm going away next weekend to visit friends, which is perfect timing.

 

Ugh, I can't wait for this waiting period to be over.

[Heatherknows]

The harsh truth is that many guys looking to cheat aren't targeting who they feel is most special, they are targeting who they feel is most easy.

 

 

I think that is the most profound thing I've read all year.

 

Thank you for writing this!

[Heatherknows]

of course you miss it. it was a real thrill.

 

 

the challenge for you now is to try to stimulate that same "affair fog" feeling of being madly in love with your actual spouse!

 

Does anyone know how to do this???

[Heatherknows]

Or even better, "I really really missed you. I am trying to make my marriage work. But I can't stop thinking about you."

 

 

Of course you want to hear that. It means: I love you, you're amazing, you're the most beautiful, desirable, sexy woman I've ever met and I cannot get you off my mind. I'll do anything, ANYTHING to be with you. I wish we were married. I love you so much."

 

But that isn't want he's really thinking. At best he is thinking "She's hot I wanna fu*k her."

 

I know part of your brain is saying "No, he probably wants to be with me so bad that (insert your fantasy here.)

 

I know another part of your brain is saying "This is stupid. I want out of this gross trap."

 

Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Cannot have one without the other. If it cheats it lies.

 

I cheated. I lied. I don't want to live like that. Do you?

[lemondrop21]

Of course you want to hear that. It means: I love you, you're amazing, you're the most beautiful, desirable, sexy woman I've ever met and I cannot get you off my mind. I'll do anything, ANYTHING to be with you. I wish we were married. I love you so much."

 

But that isn't want he's really thinking. At best he is thinking "She's hot I wanna fu*k her."

 

I know part of your brain is saying "No, he probably wants to be with me so bad that (insert your fantasy here.)

 

I know another part of your brain is saying "This is stupid. I want out of this gross trap."

 

Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Cannot have one without the other. If it cheats it lies.

 

I cheated. I lied. I don't want to live like that. Do you?

 

You hit the nail on the head, Heather, thank you for that. I don't wanna live like that either.

 

So, the morning after I posted the previous post, I got a text from him. "Hi, you ok? I've missed you soooooo much. Care for a coffee on Sunday?" Based on the timing of the text, I suspect it was just after he had gotten back from him one-week trip with the wife and no kids. Their anniversary trip. Yep, so much for taking the time to work on the marriage. The timing of that text honestly made me respect him a lot less. He knew he'd see me at work in three days, he can't even wait till then??

 

We texted a bit the next day and he said something similar, to the effect of "you've been ever present in my mind."

 

I've remained detached; not rude, but ambiguous. I have not told him I missed him. Even though there were days in the past five weeks that were beyond brutal in terms of wanting to reach out to him.

 

Today he called me while he was in the supermarket with his kids, to tell me that he wouldn't be able to stop by tonight as we had discussed, because kids were up all night on the overnight flight and running around all day etc. and he was wrecked. I believe it, that overnight flight is brutal BUT it just served as a friendly reminder of how everything is ALWAYS on his schedule in this A (duh, he's the one with a family, it has to be!!). And how it's just a complete **** situation.

 

So now I'm seeing him tomorrow morning at work. Not sure what I'm going to say, if I were to talk to him in this very moment I would completely let him have it. I don't know why I've gotten so angry in the past couple of days, probably because based on his texts he seems to think he can just pick right up where he left off.

 

My therapist gave me some "mantras" to hold onto - she said this was not "official psychology stuff" but something she got from her personal life:

1. Know your worth

2. Don't be desperate

 

So, at minimum, those are my goals for tomorrow. To know my worth, and to not be desperate with him. Is some part of me desperate to fall into his arms? Well, obviously. But I'm also ANGRY and I need to hold onto that anger and let that conquer any desperate feelings I might have.

[TerraIncognita]

Lemon, don't do this to yourself. Don't meet him. You have put some distance between him and yourself, which is essential - stick to it.

 

You'll awaken all the demons within yourself again, all this "a lot less respect" will be history. He'll draw you right back in and you will go through ups and downs, all over again. In the end, you *will* regret tomorrow's meeting.

 

Like you believe without shadow of a doubt that the Earth is round, without having seen it with your own eyes, believe that no good will come out of you seeing him. Don't do it.

[lemondrop21]

Terra, I completely respect the sentiment behind your post, but unfortunately I did have to meet him, because we work together and I have to meet him later this week because we're on a project together. Also, this was a planned five-week NC where we said we would talk at the end of it and see how we both felt at that time, and I decided I did want to have that ending conversation, to get closure. I realize I could have just said "moving forward we will be strictly professional" and left it at that but I think he would have cornered me in his office eventually, so it was better to get it over with.

 

Anyway, in my previous post I had given a few options of what he might say. He ended up saying the most honest one:

 

"I really really missed you. I thought about you every day. I am trying to make my marriage work. The anniversary trip with the wife helped and things are better than they were although, still s**tty overall. I still have all the feelings for you that I did in June. But at this point I'm not prepared to walk away from my marriage."

 

I was really strong in this conversation, and I'm proud of myself for it right now. I didn't cry. I approached it with honesty and told him that I missed him in the past five weeks too, but also felt all sorts of other emotions; anger, shame, etc. and that I do not wish to feel those things anymore. I told him that I was angry at both of us on behalf of his wife because she in no way deserves this, whether she's conscious of the A or not (she's not, or at least he doesn't think she is).

 

We both agreed that we could not have sex anymore. It wasn't even a question really, more like a statement. That said, if I had walked in there with a different attitude and asked him to continue sleeping with me, well, he probably would have.

 

The way that he texted me when he got back from the trip with his wife... the way that he told me he missed me... I'm floored right now at the nerve this man has. Attempting cake-eating at its finest - I suppose he thinks of it as "honest" cake-eating, because he's in no way promising me even the possibility of a future.

 

I should thank my lucky stars that it's all turned out this way. I've lost respect for him, am losing attraction to him - yes there's still a flame there but not nearly as strong as before.

 

I know I have a rough couple months ahead though. I know there will be times when I do want him because I just crave physical touch and intimacy. I know I need to do LC as much as possible, keeping conversation strictly about work, in order to let myself heal.

 

I know I need to cry it out A LOT. And there will probably be more posts to this board. Right now I wish I could cry but can't for some reason. I feel alone. I feel like a failure in some ways. But I know that today was actually a success. One small step towards recovery from all of this.

 

Thank you, LS community, for being there for me.

[lemondrop21]

Quick recap of everything so that no one has to read back on this thread:

MM

declared feelings for me in April. We are colleagues. He is married with three kids. He told me he was basically out the door, dead marriage.

 

I told him to get counseling and then see how he felt. He did. Then his

w

agreed to do it as well, while she was away over the summer (both had individual issues that contributed to the decline of the marriage). This shocked him as she had always been opposed. She said she'd do anything to save the marriage.

 

I also broke up with my boyfriend of five years during this initial month, when it was still just an

EA

. The guilt was killing me, but

so

was the infatuation for

MM

. I felt like it was literally impossible to stay in a relationship with someone, while feeling this way about ANYONE else, even someone married.

 

Being a prick with no self-control,

MM

continued the affair while

W

was away for a month in the summer and it became physical (and I am self-absorbed idiot and just as responsible here). He left for summer holiday, came back 5 weeks later, we tried to keep things cut off, but the A resumed shortly.

 

It's been off and on since late August. He doesn't promise to leave by X date or anything like that, he is very wary of making any sort of promise after what happened in April/May. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be married to her and that is the most he will say.

 

Today I changed our email account password and will be taking time to myself for the next two weeks until I'm back at work. As I said in another thread, I'm not calling it permanent NC because 1. I know my heart isn't quite there yet (although I will be reflecting a lot in the coming days), and 2. NC is technically impossible until I find another job. But this is breathing space.

 

This is the hardest holiday period I've had in awhile, and all of my reasons for being down in the dumps are incredibly selfish. Not only am I mopey about MM, I also feel sad over my ex boyfriend, who is in a new relationship as of a month ago. I was going to see him during my visit to my home country and now I can't.

 

I should try and be happy for my ex because he has obviously found a relationship he is very happy in. But I'm just a bitter, jealous wreck. Ex-bf has a new, great relationship and I have MM's breadcrumbs, and now I no longer have ex-bf's attention to fall back on. This is SO selfish of me and something I really need to work on - I should never have had an ounce of his attention to fall back on.

 

I've started that horrible process of questioning everything that's happened over the past 8 months and wondering, if not for MM, would ex-bf and I have worked out? I don't think we were supposed to be together in the long term, but the pain I'm feeling right now is strong enough to make me question every conclusion I've come to.

[NewLeaf512]

Quick recap of everything so that no one has to read back on this thread:

MM

declared feelings for me in April. We are colleagues. He is married with three kids. He told me he was basically out the door, dead marriage.

 

I told him to get counseling and then see how he felt. He did. Then his

w

agreed to do it as well, while she was away over the summer (both had individual issues that contributed to the decline of the marriage). This shocked him as she had always been opposed. She said she'd do anything to save the marriage.

 

I also broke up with my boyfriend of five years during this initial month, when it was still just an

EA

. The guilt was killing me, but

so

was the infatuation for

MM

. I felt like it was literally impossible to stay in a relationship with someone, while feeling this way about ANYONE else, even someone married.

 

Being a prick with no self-control,

MM

continued the affair while

W

was away for a month in the summer and it became physical (and I am self-absorbed idiot and just as responsible here). He left for summer holiday, came back 5 weeks later, we tried to keep things cut off, but the A resumed shortly.

 

It's been off and on since late August. He doesn't promise to leave by X date or anything like that, he is very wary of making any sort of promise after what happened in April/May. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be married to her and that is the most he will say.

 

Today I changed our email account password and will be taking time to myself for the next two weeks until I'm back at work. As I said in another thread, I'm not calling it permanent NC because 1. I know my heart isn't quite there yet (although I will be reflecting a lot in the coming days), and 2. NC is technically impossible until I find another job. But this is breathing space.

 

This is the hardest holiday period I've had in awhile, and all of my reasons for being down in the dumps are incredibly selfish. Not only am I mopey about MM, I also feel sad over my ex boyfriend, who is in a new relationship as of a month ago. I was going to see him during my visit to my home country and now I can't.

 

I should try and be happy for my ex because he has obviously found a relationship he is very happy in. But I'm just a bitter, jealous wreck. Ex-bf has a new, great relationship and I have MM's breadcrumbs, and now I no longer have ex-bf's attention to fall back on. This is SO selfish of me and something I really need to work on - I should never have had an ounce of his attention to fall back on.

 

I've started that horrible process of questioning everything that's happened over the past 8 months and wondering, if not for MM, would ex-bf and I have worked out? I don't think we were supposed to be together in the long term, but the pain I'm feeling right now is strong enough to make me question every conclusion I've come to.

 

Hello Darling

 

All this soul searching is normal. You have a 2 week period that you are carving out for NC. Throwing down the gauntlet and declaring NC forever works for some people but I don't think this is for you right now. How about NC a day at a time until you build a foundation that works for you?

 

What I'd like to suggest to you if you are open to it, is that you shift all focus on to you. What would LD like to do in the next hour? How is LD feeling? Do not think of what he is doing or not doing. Do not make a point of focusing on your A and making any decisions or trying to figure out where it is at this moment nor where it is going. Pretend it is a DVDs movie and you have pressed the pause so that you can eat, answer the phone or whatever and when you are ready in a week or so you can hit play again. How does that sound?

 

Best,

 

Leafy

[lemondrop21]

Hi Leafy,

 

That sounds wonderful and I love the idea of pausing a DVD. I'm going to keep thinking about this analogy because it makes it seem so much less dramatic, and bearable for me.

 

Not only is it what I want to do, it's what I need to do in order to feel like I'm making progress in my life.

 

Alright, using this space just for me to keep myself accountable, sorry to bore everyone else... Over the next two weeks I need to:

 

1. Do a number of little to-dos in my home country - I have my lists ready to go.

 

2. I'm having a minor medical procedure on New Year's Eve which is excellent timing as I will sleep off the meds that evening and don't have any chance of seeing midnight.

 

3. I am scheduled to start two online courses towards my masters degree on January 4. I'm on the fence about completing the degree in general versus switching to a related but different program. I will take the time to start the coursework and really put thought into whether it's what I want to be doing.

 

4. See some close friends back home! This is so very important. It seems like it's easy to lose friendships when in an affair because you feel like an inauthentic person, BUT I really need those friends and want to support them in their lives as well.

 

Thanks again so much for the encouragement, NL. That really helped.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Leafy,

 

That sounds wonderful and I love the idea of pausing a DVD. I'm going to keep thinking about this analogy because it makes it seem so much less dramatic, and bearable for me.

 

Not only is it what I want to do, it's what I need to do in order to feel like I'm making progress in my life.

 

Alright, using this space just for me to keep myself accountable, sorry to bore everyone else... Over the next two weeks I need to:

 

1. Do a number of little to-dos in my home country - I have my lists ready to go.

 

2. I'm having a minor medical procedure on New Year's Eve which is excellent timing as I will sleep off the meds that evening and don't have any chance of seeing midnight.

 

3. I am scheduled to start two online courses towards my masters degree on January 4. I'm on the fence about completing the degree in general versus switching to a related but different program. I will take the time to start the coursework and really put thought into whether it's what I want to be doing.

 

4. See some close friends back home! This is so very important. It seems like it's easy to lose friendships when in an affair because you feel like an inauthentic person, BUT I really need those friends and want to support them in their lives as well.

 

Thanks again so much for the encouragement, NL. That really helped.

 

Very good Popoet. Here is a topic I am on with my therapist that may resonate with you. People, particularly those of us in Western countries or from them tend to over share. We feel we need to be bloody "transparent" with all and sundry and tell everything we think and do to be authentic. That's a load of tosh. Being inauthentic is lying, scheming and/ or pretending. Keeping ones's private matters, well, private is our right. Humans have a right to some privacy. No one needs to know your salary, who you vote for, your blood type or who you are shagging or who you love, UNLESS YOU WANT to tell them. It's also rude for anyone to ask. The best way to foil obnoxious, obtrusive questions is by asking one of your own:

 

"Why do you want to know?"

 

This is merely a little mini break of you time. You rekindling the romance with yourself.

 

You are young beautiful and smart and away on holiday. And you are going to enjoy it, finding your self-love that for tonight and tomorrow just 24 hours of NC and focus on you. Don't focus on Tuesday it comes when it's Tuesday.

 

Leafy x

[lemondrop21]

Thought I'd update my story, not that it's super riveting reading but I have found that reading the ups and downs of others' affairs helps me, so with that in mind, maybe it will help someone else.

 

Got back to work beginning of last week. MM and I talked, and I explained that I had cut off the email account in order to give myself 2 weeks of space after not hearing from him on Christmas. I also told him about how I saw ex bf at home for one final exchange of mail and it was terrible, I ended up sobbing afterward in some random city church, etc. MM didn't offer much in the way of explanation for being out of touch on Christmas Day except to say that he hadn't had a minute of time to himself, 15 people crammed into a small house, pouring rain outside for days blah blah. He took my hand and asked me if I was okay. Later he hugged me and it felt so good to be comforted like that so I let it happen, with the caveat that we would talk more the next day. I was preparing to tell him that I would not continue this without something changing. I want an end goal.

 

Urgent family stuff came up which nixed his lunch breaks, so I waited patiently for three days. Then on day four I lost it. I sent a mini-rant on chat while he was in a meeting, and then went home. This is unlike me, but I was in such a state of sudden desperation and despair that just came crashing down out of nowhere, and I needed him to know.

 

Next day was terrible. He told me that he thinks about a future for us all the time and agonizes over it but has realized it likely can't work and he needs to cut things off in order to be a good father and husband. He has become a complete wreck over this because he is so torn, and he can't stand turning it over and over in his mind anymore and also can't stand hurting everyone in the process. He told me he loved me and we don't typically use that word although the feeling has been very present for quite some time.

 

I actually do believe he is in love with me and thinks about a future for us in a serious way, as he has been very wary about any sort of "future faking" after the initial shock of his wife wanting to stay in the marriage last spring. He has known it would be very hard to actually leave his marriage and hasn't wanted to promise me anything. I am glad he has kept to that, but it's hard to finally hear the intensity of someone's feelings in the same breath as them saying that they can't do this anymore.

 

I know this sounds like he's just trying to break it to me gently, but I can see in his eyes that he means every word of what he says. There are affairs of all sorts of intensities and I do feel that this has become a deep love affair on both ends. But what a waste of emotion, since it ends the same way as all the others.

 

Of course it's too early yet to tell if it's really over. I haven't even cried yet. I'm sure it will come out someplace super inappropriate -airport, grocery store etc. Have never been a mess in public prior to the affair and this is the sort of thing that happens nowadays.

 

I have a date later today and plan to still go. Just a casual afternoon thing. So obviously I'm not really processing the end of the affair yet. But I can sense the storm coming and oh boy, it's gonna hurt like hell.

Edited January 16, 2016 by lemondrop21

[NewLeaf512]

Hi LemonDrop

 

I think you had a real love affair. It's very evident from your thread.

 

It seems to me it's really over. I know you are in shock. Be gentle with yourself.

 

NL X