Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[lemondrop21]

Feeling lots of anger and hatred today, which sucks. I really want to let go of that. XMM, I still can't believe I got involved with your cheating, dysfunctional a$$.

 

I've never felt anything as strong as the attraction I felt towards you and I'm angry at whatever weird biological or psychological phenomenon happened in my brain because it's so NOT like me to be involved in something like this. The more time that passes, the more it blows my mind.

 

Anyone else feel that way? You were going along ok in your life, respecting your values and all that jazz and then you met this person and somehow your life became CRAZY?? And you know that YOU made the choice, and yet you can't figure out HOW on earth you actually got to that point??

[Blu72]

^^Yes, but at the end of the day. We made our choices so its our cross to bear.

MM and I had been colleagues for 10 years before he started pursuing me out of the blue. I wasnt looking for it and I was caught off guard. We were work friends at best - nothing out of the ordinary and only did things together outside of work on few occasions but always with an entire group of colleagues. I never looked at him or thought of him as anything but someone I worked with. He was persistent and I eventually caved into the madness. 5-6 years later and its still ongoing, although I'm ready to be done with it. Thankfully he left the company about 4 years ago so I dont have to deal with that mess.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Feeling lots of anger and hatred today, which sucks. I really want to let go of that. XMM, I still can't believe I got involved with your cheating, dysfunctional a$$.

 

I've never felt anything as strong as the attraction I felt towards you and I'm angry at whatever weird biological or psychological phenomenon happened in my brain because it's so NOT like me to be involved in something like this. The more time that passes, the more it blows my mind.

 

Anyone else feel that way? You were going along ok in your life, respecting your values and all that jazz and then you met this person and somehow your life became CRAZY?? And you know that YOU made the choice, and yet you can't figure out HOW on earth you actually got to that point??

 

Yes, completely. I knew mm for years and zero attraction. Like Blu said, he began pursuing me and telling me he was in love with me for years. I fell hard and the chemistry thing, yes. I can tell you it does go away. It took a while but I look at him now, I can even sit next to him, and nothing.

 

I have no idea how I fell so hard. I'm really taller than him too but at the time it is like I did not see him for as he was, I swear I perceived us as the same height. I don't even know how I kissed him, he's several inches shorter than me. That is so unlike me. Its like I was on heavy drugs in 2015.

 

The anger lasts a while. I still get bouts of it. The less contact, the better it is.

[privategal]

Awe Lemon, 7 days is really a bigger feat than you realize.

Around week 4 is when it could get the very hardest, not saying it will, we are all different.

I am so impressed you blocked him, I know it took you a long time and I understand why it did.

The anger phase was by far the hardest and most draining for me. At ALL times during that phase I almost broke NC a million times only to tell him off.

I also would bounce back to the anger phase and it hurts a lot because you feel bitter and mad but you don't want to live like that so it hurts to feel that way.

But channel the anger to something like exercise.

I am heading to a meditation session today.

Whatever it takes. Huge hugs.

[Adoraxx]

Hey Lemon,

 

How are you?? I hope you're doing a little (ok, hopefully MUCH!!!) better

 

Hugs!

[Osmium13]

Feeling lots of anger and hatred today, which sucks. I really want to let go of that. XMM, I still can't believe I got involved with your cheating, dysfunctional a$$.

 

I've never felt anything as strong as the attraction I felt towards you and I'm angry at whatever weird biological or psychological phenomenon happened in my brain because it's so NOT like me to be involved in something like this. The more time that passes, the more it blows my mind.

 

Anyone else feel that way? You were going along ok in your life, respecting your values and all that jazz and then you met this person and somehow your life became CRAZY?? And you know that YOU made the choice, and yet you can't figure out HOW on earth you actually got to that point??

 

This thread is a sobering read!

 

Without a bit of self-discipline I could easily become a cheating, dysfunctional a$$. I've been resisting my feelings for over a year and it doesn't get any easier. It seems to me the "fog" isn't just when you're in the A, it's from the point you feel that ridiculous, all-consuming attraction to someone when you or they are already in a LTR.

 

The effort it takes to keep it to yourself and act normally at home (especially when you and your SO are going through rough patches) and around the object of your affection is so draining... I can see why so many give in to it. You plod on and hope that at some point it goes away, I guess.

[lemondrop21]

I just had to count that out. I had no idea what number day it is. Hadn't kept track.

 

I've been back in my home country helping my mother, and that makes the NC easier because we're usually not in touch when I'm at home anyway. I have to fly back tomorrow and I'm dreading being back at work. I don't feel like I'll break NC, but I know I'll feel crappier about it all, knowing he's in close proximity. Fortunately, since he switched departments we have zero reason to ever work together on anything.

 

I started on antidepressants nearly 3 weeks ago, and I do feel that they've been helping me stay more level. I don't really like the idea of being on them, but if it helps make my remaining time with my mother more pleasant, giving me more calm and happy times with her, then I'm glad to do it. I was having trouble controlling my emotions around her for a while (I would burst into tears, or sometimes become angry), and then she would end up upset. She's not great at controlling her own emotions regardless, but I can at least hold up my end.

 

So in sum... doing okay over here. Not amazing - my life is far too much of a mess to be amazing right now - but okay.

[ladydesigner]

I just had to count that out. I had no idea what number day it is. Hadn't kept track.

This is the best part ;-)

[BluesPower]

Don't worry about the AD's. You may not need them forever, but they really help me keep my head together.

 

Don't go off of them too soon though. And only come off them if you are working with your doctor and he is telling you how to do it.

 

Sounds like you are doing pretty good overall.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I just had to count that out. I had no idea what number day it is. Hadn't kept track.

 

I've been back in my home country helping my mother, and that makes the NC easier because we're usually not in touch when I'm at home anyway. I have to fly back tomorrow and I'm dreading being back at work. I don't feel like I'll break NC, but I know I'll feel crappier about it all, knowing he's in close proximity. Fortunately, since he switched departments we have zero reason to ever work together on anything.

 

I started on antidepressants nearly 3 weeks ago, and I do feel that they've been helping me stay more level. I don't really like the idea of being on them, but if it helps make my remaining time with my mother more pleasant, giving me more calm and happy times with her, then I'm glad to do it. I was having trouble controlling my emotions around her for a while (I would burst into tears, or sometimes become angry), and then she would end up upset. She's not great at controlling her own emotions regardless, but I can at least hold up my end.

 

So in sum... doing okay over here. Not amazing - my life is far too much of a mess to be amazing right now - but okay.

 

Work is going to be tough-expect a lot of triggers and that it will cause you some new pain you may not have been expecting. You can get through it work on some breathing techniques to help you with the pain or anxiety of going back to work (I had a lot of anxiety). Also, remember just because you miss him or you are sad doesn't mean you have to talk to him. Walking through the pain will teach you so much more than giving into it.

 

You know that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" that is a crock of Sh** words from him will continue and destroy you - don't let him speak to you. No new words = no new hurts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Work is going to be tough-expect a lot of triggers and that it will cause you some new pain you may not have been expecting. You can get through it work on some breathing techniques to help you with the pain or anxiety of going back to work (I had a lot of anxiety). Also, remember just because you miss him or you are sad doesn't mean you have to talk to him. Walking through the pain will teach you so much more than giving into it.

 

You know that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" that is a crock of Sh** words from him will continue and destroy you - don't let him speak to you. No new words = no new hurts.

 

I completely agree. Not even a hello. Lemon you need to completely 100% ignore him. No eye contact, glaze your eyes over if he is nearby. That is what I do and it helps.

 

Like HCBM said, it does make you stronger. Granted, it sucks and hurts but there is that feeling of strength that you did not cut and run. Afterall, he did not cut and run. You can be just as strong and better, you can go meet someone new and move on with your life. He's trapped in a marriage where his BS has no idea what was going on. He's living a lie.

 

I went on antidepressants for a few months. They do help because they control those emotional cravings for the other person. They numbed me out though and eventually I knew I had to finish going through all my pain to come out the other side.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just had to count that out. I had no idea what number day it is. Hadn't kept track.

 

I've been back in my home country helping my mother, and that makes the NC easier because we're usually not in touch when I'm at home anyway. I have to fly back tomorrow and I'm dreading being back at work. I don't feel like I'll break NC, but I know I'll feel crappier about it all, knowing he's in close proximity. Fortunately, since he switched departments we have zero reason to ever work together on anything.

 

I started on antidepressants nearly 3 weeks ago, and I do feel that they've been helping me stay more level. I don't really like the idea of being on them, but if it helps make my remaining time with my mother more pleasant, giving me more calm and happy times with her, then I'm glad to do it. I was having trouble controlling my emotions around her for a while (I would burst into tears, or sometimes become angry), and then she would end up upset. She's not great at controlling her own emotions regardless, but I can at least hold up my end.

 

So in sum... doing okay over here. Not amazing - my life is far too much of a mess to be amazing right now - but okay.

 

Just don't go there, and don't make it a big thing.

 

Sometimes that's really hard.

[lemondrop21]

I admit that today was hard, but I didn't contact him. Kept him blocked. Didn't run into him or anything. I have to keep reminding myself that all he would do is hurt me all over again.

 

I thought that the antidepressants would get rid of those pangs of longing, but the pangs were back today (although not as strong as they have been in the past). I really do so much better when I'm physically far away from him. Knowing he's within a 2-mile radius can be crippling.

 

But whatever. Nothing else to do but continue on.

Edited September 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
references deleted post~T

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I admit that today was hard, but I didn't contact him. Kept him blocked. Didn't run into him or anything. I have to keep reminding myself that all he would do is hurt me all over again.

 

I thought that the antidepressants would get rid of those pangs of longing, but the pangs were back today (although not as strong as they have been in the past). I really do so much better when I'm physically far away from him. Knowing he's within a 2-mile radius can be crippling.

 

But whatever. Nothing else to do but continue on.

 

I was told by my EFT therapist that those pangs of pain were more relayed to not caring for myself and hoping someone would care for me.

 

So when I get those pain pangs, instead of turning to my spouse (who has the empathy of a house fly), I do something toctake care of myself. Or just do something nice for myself.

Edited September 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lemondrop21]

So my thread was locked for a few days due to the raging battle that was going on here lol. Mods deleted those posts. Thanks mods.

 

I've been back at work for a week and managed to avoid seeing xMM for the entire week. That won't always be feasible as we work in the same building and random run-ins are inevitable, but I got lucky this past week and I am so thankful.

 

I am feeling much stronger now than I have in the past. I have moments where I miss him and what we had, but I am also able to remember all of the bad feelings that I had MOST of the time while in the A. I don't want those feelings back.

 

One thought that has also helped me through a few bad moments is this - if we really truly were "right for each other" and had a possible future together, then we should be able to find our way back to each other AFTER the withdrawal phase had passed. That would indicate the presence of actual, developed love, not just addictive brain chemicals. I don't want him back just because we're addicted to each other. I don't want to be someone's emotional or physical heroin.

 

Part of me wishes I had kept NC back in March, but hey - I didn't. And given that I didn't, I did the next best thing, which was to detach emotionally and start dating other men. xMM seems to blame me for the demise of our "relationship" during this time, but I don't regret my actions at all. Had I given my all to the "relationship" again, I would be hurting 10x worse now, at the end. He never would have left his wife anyway.

 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel that antidepressants are helping me tremendously too. I had tried one in the past and it did nothing for me - I wish back then I had tried a different one, since my understanding is that different antidepressants work better or worse for different people. I am much more level right now (as level as someone can be whose mother has a terminal illness) and the pangs of longing for xMM are weaker than in the past and more controllable. I like what dreamingoftigers said above about self-care when you get those pangs of longing for someone, so I've been trying to do a little something nice for myself when that happens.

 

A possible new guy has come onto the scene, but I'm wary because last I heard, he had a long term girlfriend. Perhaps they broke up... Or perhaps he's "shopping around" first as he thinks about leaving her. I'm entirely uninterested in being part of anyone's "shopping around" or rebound; Oh, the lessons we learn from affairs! So I'm going to have a very direct conversation with him about it if he makes any sort of tangible move on me.

 

So, that's my update! Sending you all hugs and good wishes.

[imperfectangel]

I enjoy your updates LD and always keep a eye out for them! I'm glad that drama was deleted from here, you don't need that.

 

I have been nc for a week and made sure my mm knew the reason was because he's told me he'll stay married. I know he won't leave but I needed him to know that was the reason why. Like you said, if it's meant to be it'll be and we'll find our way back to each other.

 

It's good you're wary of this new guy but don't doubt him too much unless he gives you reason to - I find it really hard to trust people now after my a which isn't really fair on them. He could be a good guy

[BluesPower]

You really sound healthy.

 

I am so glad to see you doing so well. Keep it up...

[lemondrop21]

I had miscounted my NC days previously. So clearly it wasn't that important.

 

I just ran into him as I was coming off the elevator and he was getting on. We were both alone. We were both clearly startled. He stammered a quiet "hello" and I managed a "good morning" and barely smiled at all. Then walked on past. I was glad I was wearing heels because they made that satisfying clicking sound on the floor as I walked away. Always makes me feel more powerful .

 

I suppose I feel... Ok? He must be stunned that I've blocked him everywhere and deleted the email account and haven't contacted him. I haven't ever been like this before. I will say, it's weird not to be able to check the email account login log and see that he's logged on. I find myself wondering, would he have logged on, had I not deleted the account? Or was he really done with all of this?

 

Then I remind myself it doesn't matter, because I am done with all of this.

[imperfectangel]

You did amazing LD! That is the best way to handle this at work. Treat him like you would someone who you hardly know there. Polite but not overly friendly.

 

Proud of you.

[Adoraxx]

I had miscounted my NC days previously. So clearly it wasn't that important.

 

I just ran into him as I was coming off the elevator and he was getting on. We were both alone. We were both clearly startled. He stammered a quiet "hello" and I managed a "good morning" and barely smiled at all. Then walked on past. I was glad I was wearing heels because they made that satisfying clicking sound on the floor as I walked away. Always makes me feel more powerful .

 

I suppose I feel... Ok? He must be stunned that I've blocked him everywhere and deleted the email account and haven't contacted him. I haven't ever been like this before. I will say, it's weird not to be able to check the email account login log and see that he's logged on. I find myself wondering, would he have logged on, had I not deleted the account? Or was he really done with all of this?

 

Then I remind myself it doesn't matter, because I am done with all of this.

 

Good job, LD!!!!!!!!! Wow I love how you walked away with the 'click click click' of your heels !! Also, I really like how you handled it. You did great!!!

 

Of course he has been trying to log on many many times... and he keeps seeing this message: "Sorry, Google doesn't recognize this email" LOL , and then he thinks: 'I must have typed it in wrong... let me try again.. and again.. and again..'

 

So proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Save

[MidnightBlue1980]

I had miscounted my NC days previously. So clearly it wasn't that important.

 

I just ran into him as I was coming off the elevator and he was getting on. We were both alone. We were both clearly startled. He stammered a quiet "hello" and I managed a "good morning" and barely smiled at all. Then walked on past. I was glad I was wearing heels because they made that satisfying clicking sound on the floor as I walked away. Always makes me feel more powerful .

 

I suppose I feel... Ok? He must be stunned that I've blocked him everywhere and deleted the email account and haven't contacted him. I haven't ever been like this before. I will say, it's weird not to be able to check the email account login log and see that he's logged on. I find myself wondering, would he have logged on, had I not deleted the account? Or was he really done with all of this?

 

Then I remind myself it doesn't matter, because I am done with all of this.

 

Good for you! I've also lost track of how long it has been since I spoke with him over email. I know it was August. It's a good feeling. Keep up the good work.

 

I wear heels too. I'm already tall, almost 6 feet, without heels I am taller than him, so with 3 inch heels I tower over him. It's very empowering. I have boots with 4 inch heels, its hysterical. He barely reaches my shoulder.

 

Heels rock. Whatever makes you feel confident.

[ladydesigner]

Good for you LD! Keep rockin' it in those heels too

[ladydesigner]

Good for you! I've also lost track of how long it has been since I spoke with him over email. I know it was August. It's a good feeling. Keep up the good work.

 

I wear heels too. I'm already tall, almost 6 feet, without heels I am taller than him, so with 3 inch heels I tower over him. It's very empowering. I have boots with 4 inch heels, its hysterical. He barely reaches my shoulder.

 

Heels rock. Whatever makes you feel confident.

 

Bahahahahaha this made me laugh today I can just picture it, especially now that you ladies are taking your power back. It could be a great cartoon!

[rainbowsandkittens]

LD, You're doing great!!! Love the heel clicking. That totally makes me feel powerful too.

 

I relate to the dating thing. I have just recently rejoined some online dating sites and it's very tough. I can tell that I'm much more cautious/ cynical that I used to be. I have been trigged (I hate using that word) by a few people who explicitly say they're looking for APs. But the good news is that I feel like I have a better handle on what I *do* want and am not going to settle for less.

 

I'm glad the antidepressants are working. They have such a stigma but they're so helpful. If you're not feeling well- body, brain, whatever- it's ok to take medicine or do whatever you need to in order to feel better. They've helped me a lot and I always encourage people to look into it if they feel like they need it.

 

I find myself wondering, would he have logged on, had I not deleted the account? Or was he really done with all of this?

 

Then I remind myself it doesn't matter, because I am done with all of this.

 

I wonder this too. But then I remember that he left me before I left him. If he wanted me he would have talked to me. And, like you, I am done feeling like this. I am done pining for someone who doesn't even remotely care for me.

 

Thinking of you and your mom

[Logan787]

From reading your dilemma with this man, it seems that you are expounding and wasting a lot of time and energy on this man, not to mention thought and emotion. From what I've read, this has affected you more than what you think it has. I believe that you will continue to wrestle with wanting a certain reaction out of him, wondering about this and that, and all of the "what ifs". This man, as I'm sure you already know, will never be yours. You should be very thankful for that. But at the same time, you have to know that this affair has costed you something. It has costed you precious time, and also, a lifelong bond with him whether you know it or not. I also believe that this will affect your future relationships or marriage, if you choose to have one. I don't think that you are truly over this like you think you are....I think you are trying to convince yourself of that. This is why people shouldn't get involved in affairs and especially in the workplace. You are never truly freed as long as that person is within your proximity and there is always that weakness in our human nature that if tapped into can be exploited and put you right back where you were. My advice....find another job and move on. These mind games will continue.