Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Popsicle]

Hi LemonDrop

 

I think you had a real love affair. It's very evident from your thread.

 

It seems to me it's really over. I know you are in shock. Be gentle with yourself.

 

NL X

 

I totally agree.

 

Take care of yourself LD.

[privategal]

Theres no going around the pain. You got the closure thank goodness. Protect your dignity. Job search. Know the pain will subside. Cry and get it out but keep going. Since you know he struggled too let it help to be dignified in not testing him as he is trying to make the hard choice of walking the straight line.

Forgive him and yourself and do not analyze as it had to end. The pain of being in it is harder. Begin to let go quickly and change anything you can to break out of ruts and routines. Find some support. Do not confide in colleagues. I took my lunch in my car for a peaceful hour away with soothing music and solace to pray or cry or just be alone. Maybe try this. It will get better.

[Forceawakensme]

Lemondrop -- Our MMS sound so similar, i just responded to you in my thread. So many parallels. We will get through this.

[lemondrop21]

Thank you very much for the support, all.

 

So today was the start of my little meltdown...

 

On Saturday, I wrote a long email to MM. I titled it "Things I don't want to leave unsaid" and basically put my whole heart into it because I'm done with holding back at this stage. I told him not to respond and that I respect his decision to work on his marriage. The email was meant to give me closure as I want to be sure he knows how I feel about everything. I know it will not change his mind and none of the contents sought to do that.

 

Sunday I got a "just checking in" text. He said he was sitting with his sick kid, and wasn't gonna read my email yet because his head was cloudy from being up all night with the kid and he didn't want to overreact. I told him the email doesn't need a response, to read it when he feels like it and I hope the kid feels better.

 

This afternoon, the email was still unread. He was in meetings all morning but back at his desk around 2:30. I watched it hit 2:45... then 3:00... I started to feel like a crazy person. Why hadn't he read my email yet? I put all my feelings into that email and he wouldn't even read it?? I saw he had signed out of our chat app and my mind started racing. This must be the start of NC from his end, I thought. I wasn't even expecting a response to the email and yet, I was freaking out, in that sad, desperate way that I'm sure most every OW knows.

 

So I walked over to his office. He was on the phone but motioned me in. As he finished the conversation (with a higher-up) I just stared at him sitting there, phone propped up under one shoulder as he fumbled to jot some notes down. The well-groomed office guy, so in control. My eyes welled up with tears as I just stood there in my new heels and one of my favorite work blouses. The pathetic girl who fell in love with him.

 

He got off the phone. "You didn't read my email," I said, my voice cracking. "I know, I'm sorry, I will read it," he said. "I didn't have time to myself last night and I wanted to give it proper attention. Today has been crazy with meetings all day. I will read it and I will respond. I'm sorry."

 

He was so sincere, not pushing me away, not talking down to me, and it made my heart ache all the more. I paused for a minute so that I wouldn't bust out crying. "I shouldn't have come in here, I know," I practically whispered. "But... I kept wondering when this would start feeling really bad... and it's now."

 

It's strange how I used to care so much whether MM thought I seemed weak or not. I was getting good at all of those games. Now I don't care. He can know all of my weakness and vulnerability. He can know how much this affair has affected me. In fact, I feel that he should know.

 

I don't need people to tell me to go NC, it will likely happen sometime soon... just posting as a release and looking for a bit of support.

[Ms. Faust]

I think if he had any feelings for you, it is starting to subside. I don't mean that in a mean way, but if he cared for you I cannot fathom why he would go so long to not read it, especially with that title. I also think he sounds like he is very good at manipulating your feelings so that you are not as angry with him.

 

Do I think he loved you at one point? I think he loved the way you made him feel, and believed it to be love.

 

Now you are kind of a handful, and it's better to just block you out right now.

[GollumsNightmare]

has realized it likely can't work and he needs to cut things off in order to be a good father and husband

 

I believe I would take what he said above and make it my new mantra to get through the tough times.

[Forceawakensme]

Thank you very much for the support, all.

 

So today was the start of my little meltdown...

 

On Saturday, I wrote a long email to MM. I titled it "Things I don't want to leave unsaid" and basically put my whole heart into it because I'm done with holding back at this stage. I told him not to respond and that I respect his decision to work on his marriage. The email was meant to give me closure as I want to be sure he knows how I feel about everything. I know it will not change his mind and none of the contents sought to do that.

 

Sunday I got a "just checking in" text. He said he was sitting with his sick kid, and wasn't gonna read my email yet because his head was cloudy from being up all night with the kid and he didn't want to overreact. I told him the email doesn't need a response, to read it when he feels like it and I hope the kid feels better.

 

This afternoon, the email was still unread. He was in meetings all morning but back at his desk around 2:30. I watched it hit 2:45... then 3:00... I started to feel like a crazy person. Why hadn't he read my email yet? I put all my feelings into that email and he wouldn't even read it?? I saw he had signed out of our chat app and my mind started racing. This must be the start of NC from his end, I thought. I wasn't even expecting a response to the email and yet, I was freaking out, in that sad, desperate way that I'm sure most every OW knows.

 

So I walked over to his office. He was on the phone but motioned me in. As he finished the conversation (with a higher-up) I just stared at him sitting there, phone propped up under one shoulder as he fumbled to jot some notes down. The well-groomed office guy, so in control. My eyes welled up with tears as I just stood there in my new heels and one of my favorite work blouses. The pathetic girl who fell in love with him.

 

He got off the phone. "You didn't read my email," I said, my voice cracking. "I know, I'm sorry, I will read it," he said. "I didn't have time to myself last night and I wanted to give it proper attention. Today has been crazy with meetings all day. I will read it and I will respond. I'm sorry."

 

He was so sincere, not pushing me away, not talking down to me, and it made my heart ache all the more. I paused for a minute so that I wouldn't bust out crying. "I shouldn't have come in here, I know," I practically whispered. "But... I kept wondering when this would start feeling really bad... and it's now."

 

It's strange how I used to care so much whether MM thought I seemed weak or not. I was getting good at all of those games. Now I don't care. He can know all of my weakness and vulnerability. He can know how much this affair has affected me. In fact, I feel that he should know.

 

I don't need people to tell me to go NC, it will likely happen sometime soon... just posting as a release and looking for a bit of support.

 

Lemondrop21 -- I can imagine exactly how you feel right now and im so sorry.;

 

That said, i think our MMs are very similar in nature (ive gathered this by reading your posts). I can say my MM has always hated anything too long or emotional, he avoids it like the plague. Even in the height of our relationship, when he was most 'in love' he STILL hated reading long emails from me -- why? .. I think he had a) short attention span for emotional stuff b) found them too painful/hurtful / confronting / stressful... -- These are probably the qualities that lead him into the affair in the first place.. conflict avoidance etc.. But its worth thinking about. Perhaps dont take it as a personal rejection that he didn't read the letter -- maybe its just 'too much'..

 

Maybe sit tight, 180 him and see how things go..

 

Big hugs.

[Lovetoohard]

Lemondrop, most men do not process an overload of emotions well as it is (sorry, men!). To add to that, MM are emotionally stunted. While they may have the capacity to "feel love" for their OW in a compartmentalized way, they are unable to handle it when the emotional needs of both their worlds (i.e. their "real" home life and OW fantasy land) collide. He cannot deal with muddling things up. I don't doubt that he cares for you deeply, but you present a complication in his already complicated life that involves him being a present and responsible father and husband.

 

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and give him some space and time to read and respond. More importantly, keep in mind that regardless of what his response is, with time (lots of it), the intensity of your feelings will subside when your heart catches up to the logical part of your brain. This was the hardest part for me, but if I can do it, so can you!

Edited January 19, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[lemondrop21]

It's just passed midnight in my part of the world so I can officially say that I'm in NC Day 1.

 

To follow up on my previous post - he did read the email the next morning and responded. "There's so much in this email I have thought about and wanted but something still holds me back and deep down I know I can't commit to you 100% now and possibly never."

 

So then we talked. The gist of it was, the kids are holding him back, they are so happy and he doesn't want to upset their lives. If he were to divorce, his wife would take the kids and go back to their home country and while he would ultimately intend live there too, it would take him 1 1/2-2 years to find an appropriate position and move back (this is true, he is fairly specialized). So he would have to be away from them, they would have a dramatic change in life. Even if they adjusted well, he would miss all the little moments, the mornings and evenings with them. I think his own emotional attachment to them, built up over years of unhappiness in the marriage, is holding him back just as much as his concern for their happiness.

 

He wants to "at least give his marriage and family a chance." I understand that and in fact, it's what I would want my own husband to do. He can't walk away unless he feels he's done everything he could to save the marriage. It's too bad he didn't do this before starting the affair.

 

So where does this leave me?

 

1. I can't go back to the way things were. I have had my moments in the past couple days where I just want SO BADLY to have sex with him. The withdrawal is terrible. But I know if I did, it would hurt worse than it ever has in the past. And so I can't. That pain would be tremendous and unbearable.

 

2. The only way of us POSSIBLY being together at some point in the future is if I let him go now, let him see what's going on in his marriage, and then he MIGHT come to the conclusion that it's not salvageable. I know the chances of this happening are, what, 5% or less? But if I don't leave, it's at 0%. And I don't feel that I can stay anymore, so that's a moot point.

 

3. It's time to go mostly NC (can't go full NC because of work). We talked off and on all week about the breakup and went over everything that we've both repressed for so long. Marriage, children, his divorce, everything; but all conversations were in the context of why it won't work. So... painful. Ultimately I'm glad to know everything, but now there's nothing more to be said.

 

4. Beyond NC I have to act like he is dead to me and actually mourn the loss, before I can move on. Unfortunately this will take a while, because I know is walking away unsure about his decision. Now that I know he saw a potential future with me and was tormented by the choice, it's that much harder not to hold out hope. But I can't hold out hope, or else I won't heal.

 

...So help me God.

[minimariah]

Lemon... you seem like a really sweet, well balanced & mature young lady. you got this. you'll make it through - no matter how your love story ends.

 

i'm glad your MM & you had this convo and he told you where he stands -- you can make a decision for yourself and take it one day at a time. who knows what will happen tomorrow.

 

take care, write on LS whenever you feel the need or want support. it absolutely WILL get easier! best of luck to you.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon... you seem like a really sweet, well balanced & mature young lady. you got this. you'll make it through - no matter how your love story ends.

 

i'm glad your MM & you had this convo and he told you where he stands -- you can make a decision for yourself and take it one day at a time. who knows what will happen tomorrow.

 

take care, write on LS whenever you feel the need or want support. it absolutely WILL get easier! best of luck to you.

Thank you mini, I really appreciate it. xx

[Forceawakensme]

It's just passed midnight in my part of the world so I can officially say that I'm in NC Day 1.

 

To follow up on my previous post - he did read the email the next morning and responded. "There's so much in this email I have thought about and wanted but something still holds me back and deep down I know I can't commit to you 100% now and possibly never."

 

So then we talked. The gist of it was, the kids are holding him back, they are so happy and he doesn't want to upset their lives. If he were to divorce, his wife would take the kids and go back to their home country and while he would ultimately intend live there too, it would take him 1 1/2-2 years to find an appropriate position and move back (this is true, he is fairly specialized). So he would have to be away from them, they would have a dramatic change in life. Even if they adjusted well, he would miss all the little moments, the mornings and evenings with them. I think his own emotional attachment to them, built up over years of unhappiness in the marriage, is holding him back just as much as his concern for their happiness.

 

He wants to "at least give his marriage and family a chance." I understand that and in fact, it's what I would want my own husband to do. He can't walk away unless he feels he's done everything he could to save the marriage. It's too bad he didn't do this before starting the affair.

 

So where does this leave me?

 

1. I can't go back to the way things were. I have had my moments in the past couple days where I just want SO BADLY to have sex with him. The withdrawal is terrible. But I know if I did, it would hurt worse than it ever has in the past. And so I can't. That pain would be tremendous and unbearable.

 

2. The only way of us POSSIBLY being together at some point in the future is if I let him go now, let him see what's going on in his marriage, and then he MIGHT come to the conclusion that it's not salvageable. I know the chances of this happening are, what, 5% or less? But if I don't leave, it's at 0%. And I don't feel that I can stay anymore, so that's a moot point.

 

3. It's time to go mostly NC (can't go full NC because of work). We talked off and on all week about the breakup and went over everything that we've both repressed for so long. Marriage, children, his divorce, everything; but all conversations were in the context of why it won't work. So... painful. Ultimately I'm glad to know everything, but now there's nothing more to be said.

 

4. Beyond NC I have to act like he is dead to me and actually mourn the loss, before I can move on. Unfortunately this will take a while, because I know is walking away unsure about his decision. Now that I know he saw a potential future with me and was tormented by the choice, it's that much harder not to hold out hope. But I can't hold out hope, or else I won't heal.

 

...So help me God.

 

 

Oh LD.. i can feel your pain and can relate so much to everything you wrote.

 

What you wrote about the kids and how his wife would take them back to their home country -- same thing here exactly. We all live in popular expat country so there is that eventual idea that we'll all go back to home country eventually but if he divorced his wife he'd lose his family overnight in the physical sense. She would go back and have her family to support her and the kids, meanwhile he'd have to find a job back there to see his kids and we wouldn't be together anyway! -- So its not that easy to leave his wife. I feel your pain there.

 

I also realllly feel your pain when you say its SO hard to hear that they were genuinely in constant turmoil about being with you, even though their ultimate answer is they cannot.. Just the idea that they seriously considered it gives us hope that they'll change their mind again. If we let go of this hope we have a chance to heal i think.

 

Its all such painful stuff.. but i think knowing what you (and i) know is so more much than other people. Its painful in the sense that we dont have anger to fuel our NC ( i went nc once when i was angry at him and it was SO much easier) --- BUT, we can hold on to the memories with some fondness without the constant feeling that we got played and lied to. They were honest, they hurt us with this honesty ..but we will move on and live happily again.. without them.

[lemondrop21]

Oh LD.. i can feel your pain and can relate so much to everything you wrote.

 

What you wrote about the kids and how his wife would take them back to their home country -- same thing here exactly. We all live in popular expat country so there is that eventual idea that we'll all go back to home country eventually but if he divorced his wife he'd lose his family overnight in the physical sense. She would go back and have her family to support her and the kids, meanwhile he'd have to find a job back there to see his kids and we wouldn't be together anyway! -- So its not that easy to leave his wife. I feel your pain there.

 

I also realllly feel your pain when you say its SO hard to hear that they were genuinely in constant turmoil about being with you, even though their ultimate answer is they cannot.. Just the idea that they seriously considered it gives us hope that they'll change their mind again. If we let go of this hope we have a chance to heal i think.

 

Its all such painful stuff.. but i think knowing what you (and i) know is so more much than other people. Its painful in the sense that we dont have anger to fuel our NC ( i went nc once when i was angry at him and it was SO much easier) --- BUT, we can hold on to the memories with some fondness without the constant feeling that we got played and lied to. They were honest, they hurt us with this honesty ..but we will move on and live happily again.. without them.

 

Force, I just replied to you on your thread which I think you did to me yesterday . Yes, our situations have a lot of similarities. Keep posting so you can become an established member and I can PM you because now I'm soooo curious as to where you are located. Maybe we are even neighbors. Heck, maybe we have the same MM? (j/k but kind of funny to think about)

[lemondrop21]

The last thing I told him yesterday was that I was going to have to completely cut him out of my life in order for me to heal. I was finally having a moment of anger after a week of pure sadness. I asked him if he had any idea how hard this was going to be for both of us seeing as we sit one hallway away at work. And I said, if he loves me like he says he does, he is going to be in a world of pain as well, and I don't know how he can "see how his marriage is doing" under those circumstances. However, I wished him luck in doing that. And I really do mean it - obviously if he can be happy in the marriage, that is better for him, his wife, the kids and everyone. Too bad I got involved.

 

I am hating this already and I hate that it is truly the only way forward, but it is. Seriously, if I asked him to just have sex with me, he probably would do it after a couple days' resisting, but I would have an utter meltdown afterward. I can no longer be an OW. Something has changed.

 

Two days ago, was only the second time he's said "I love you" out loud to me before. There have been a couple other times where I asked, "Do you love me?" and he said "Yes, I do." But there is something more powerful about actually hearing those three words. They keep ringing in my mind.

[lemondrop21]

Starting my list now... i remember reading somewhere that having a list of 100 is helpful for when you feel inclined to break NC, and also the process of making the list is supposed to be helpful in itself. So here we go.

 

REASONS FOR LEMONDROP21 TO STAY NC

 

1. Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
   
2. Because he claims his wife would up and leave with the kids in a heartbeat if she found out, and if this happened I would never forgive myself, and he would likely never forgive me.
   
3. Because I have the upper hand now, even though he pulled the trigger to end the relationship. If he decides he needs to go NC on me it will feel SO much worse.
   
4. Because their marriage might be salvageable and he needs time, space and distance to figure that out.
   
5. Because if there was really nothing salvageable in the marriage, he should have known after the summer holiday and left at that time.
   
6. Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the arrangement.
   
7. Because his kids are still young enough to see him as superman and I don't want to be involved in shattering that illusion.
   
8. Because he admits that for awhile, although he felt immense guilt, he was happily having his cake and eating it too. He "wanted it all" as he says. That is incredibly selfish.
   
9. Because this man was willing to cheat on his wife while she was back home getting IC at his request, trying to improve herself and their marriage.
   
10. Because I could lose my job if someone found out. And it's a really good job.
    
11. Because if he really can't live without me and the benefits of being with me outweigh the costs, then he will find a way to make it work with me. It's really as simple as that.
    
12. Because causing someone's "sexual awakening" is not especially fulfilling when all other aspects of the relationships are breadcrumbs.
    
13. Because of the time I told him I loved him during sex and he didn't say it back and I felt like dying. I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
    
14. Because his wife stuck by his side since they were teenagers and gave him three beautiful children. He owes it to her to either fully commit to her, or to set er free to find someone else who can.
    
15. Because I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
    
16. Because I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
    
17. Because I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
    
18. Because he would probably resent the heck out of me if he actually ended up with less access to his children. Even 50% custody. He's too attached.
    
19. Because we have both done so much behind his wife's back to disrespect her. I want out. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm doing right by her.
    
20. Because I've never spent substantial amounts of time with him enough to know what a real relationship would be like. What I mourning is a FANTASY.
    
21. Because once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
    
22. Because I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
    
23. Because who would let their marriage stay completely and utterly dead for 2+ years without making a plea to revive things? Is that the kind of person I want as my husband?
    
24. Because I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
    
25. Because you can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch.
    
26. Because he is too emotionally attached to his children since he's used them for emotional support for so long instead of his wife... major potential baggage.
    
27. Because I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman.
    
28. Because eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
    
29. Because he has managed to keep his focus at work and is getting a promotion soon, while I have barely kept up and will NOT be getting any sort of promotion, that's for sure.
    
30. Because seeing him walk around with his family acting like such a typical "good family man" makes me ANGRY and sick to my stomach.
    

... Will add more in the coming days as I move forward.

[Forceawakensme]

Force, I just replied to you on your thread which I think you did to me yesterday . Yes, our situations have a lot of similarities. Keep posting so you can become an established member and I can PM you because now I'm soooo curious as to where you are located. Maybe we are even neighbors. Heck, maybe we have the same MM? (j/k but kind of funny to think about)

 

 

 

 

 

Now THAT would be hilarious..

[Forceawakensme]

Starting my list now... i remember reading somewhere that having a list of 100 is helpful for when you feel inclined to break NC, and also the process of making the list is supposed to be helpful in itself. So here we go.

 

REASONS FOR LEMONDROP21 TO STAY NC

 

1. Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
   
2. Because he claims his wife would up and leave with the kids in a heartbeat if she found out, and if this happened I would never forgive myself, and he would likely never forgive me.
   
3. Because I have the upper hand now, even though he pulled the trigger to end the relationship. If he decides he needs to go NC on me it will feel SO much worse.
   
4. Because their marriage might be salvageable and he needs time, space and distance to figure that out.
   
5. Because if there was really nothing salvageable in the marriage, he should have known after the summer holiday and left at that time.
   
6. Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the arrangement.
   
7. Because his kids are still young enough to see him as superman and I don't want to be involved in shattering that illusion.
   
8. Because he admits that for awhile, although he felt immense guilt, he was happily having his cake and eating it too. He "wanted it all" as he says. That is incredibly selfish.
   
9. Because this man was willing to cheat on his wife while she was back home getting IC at his request, trying to improve herself and their marriage.
   
10. Because I could lose my job if someone found out. And it's a really good job.
    
11. Because if he really can't live without me and the benefits of being with me outweigh the costs, then he will find a way to make it work with me. It's really as simple as that.
    
12. Because causing someone's "sexual awakening" is not especially fulfilling when all other aspects of the relationships are breadcrumbs.
    
13. Because of the time I told him I loved him during sex and he didn't say it back and I felt like dying. I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
    
14. Because his wife stuck by his side since they were teenagers and gave him three beautiful children. He owes it to her to either fully commit to her, or to set er free to find someone else who can.
    
15. Because I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
    
16. Because I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
    
17. Because I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
    
18. Because he would probably resent the heck out of me if he actually ended up with less access to his children. Even 50% custody. He's too attached.
    
19. Because we have both done so much behind his wife's back to disrespect her. I want out. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm doing right by her.
    
20. Because I've never spent substantial amounts of time with him enough to know what a real relationship would be like. What I mourning is a FANTASY.
    
21. Because once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
    
22. Because I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
    
23. Because who would let their marriage stay completely and utterly dead for 2+ years without making a plea to revive things? Is that the kind of person I want as my husband?
    
24. Because I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
    
25. Because you can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch.
    
26. Because he is too emotionally attached to his children since he's used them for emotional support for so long instead of his wife... major potential baggage.
    
27. Because I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman.
    
28. Because eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
    
29. Because he has managed to keep his focus at work and is getting a promotion soon, while I have barely kept up and will NOT be getting any sort of promotion, that's for sure.
    
30. Because seeing him walk around with his family acting like such a typical "good family man" makes me ANGRY and sick to my stomach.
    

... Will add more in the coming days as I move forward.

 

Well done LD -- You're such an inspiration. Im going to do the same x

 

PS i live in a city starting with D . you?) xx

Edited January 22, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[lemondrop21]

Well done LD -- You're such an inspiration. Im going to do the same x

 

PS i live in a city starting with D . you?) xx

 

Hmm I wonder if you're in the Gulf then ? I am, but not a D city. I travel frequently to a D city though, maybe we can meet up someday if it's the right city .

[NewLeaf512]

Starting my list now... i remember reading somewhere that having a list of 100 is helpful for when you feel inclined to break NC, and also the process of making the list is supposed to be helpful in itself. So here we go.

 

REASONS FOR LEMONDROP21 TO STAY NC

 

1. Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
   
2. Because he claims his wife would up and leave with the kids in a heartbeat if she found out, and if this happened I would never forgive myself, and he would likely never forgive me.
   
3. Because I have the upper hand now, even though he pulled the trigger to end the relationship. If he decides he needs to go NC on me it will feel SO much worse.
   
4. Because their marriage might be salvageable and he needs time, space and distance to figure that out.
   
5. Because if there was really nothing salvageable in the marriage, he should have known after the summer holiday and left at that time.
   
6. Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the arrangement.
   
7. Because his kids are still young enough to see him as superman and I don't want to be involved in shattering that illusion.
   
8. Because he admits that for awhile, although he felt immense guilt, he was happily having his cake and eating it too. He "wanted it all" as he says. That is incredibly selfish.
   
9. Because this man was willing to cheat on his wife while she was back home getting IC at his request, trying to improve herself and their marriage.
   
10. Because I could lose my job if someone found out. And it's a really good job.
    
11. Because if he really can't live without me and the benefits of being with me outweigh the costs, then he will find a way to make it work with me. It's really as simple as that.
    
12. Because causing someone's "sexual awakening" is not especially fulfilling when all other aspects of the relationships are breadcrumbs.
    
13. Because of the time I told him I loved him during sex and he didn't say it back and I felt like dying. I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
    
14. Because his wife stuck by his side since they were teenagers and gave him three beautiful children. He owes it to her to either fully commit to her, or to set er free to find someone else who can.
    
15. Because I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
    
16. Because I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
    
17. Because I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
    
18. Because he would probably resent the heck out of me if he actually ended up with less access to his children. Even 50% custody. He's too attached.
    
19. Because we have both done so much behind his wife's back to disrespect her. I want out. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm doing right by her.
    
20. Because I've never spent substantial amounts of time with him enough to know what a real relationship would be like. What I mourning is a FANTASY.
    
21. Because once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
    
22. Because I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
    
23. Because who would let their marriage stay completely and utterly dead for 2+ years without making a plea to revive things? Is that the kind of person I want as my husband?
    
24. Because I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
    
25. Because you can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch.
    
26. Because he is too emotionally attached to his children since he's used them for emotional support for so long instead of his wife... major potential baggage.
    
27. Because I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman.
    
28. Because eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
    
29. Because he has managed to keep his focus at work and is getting a promotion soon, while I have barely kept up and will NOT be getting any sort of promotion, that's for sure.
    
30. Because seeing him walk around with his family acting like such a typical "good family man" makes me ANGRY and sick to my stomach.
    

... Will add more in the coming days as I move forward.

Good Start:

 

Challenge: delete all the ones that are about him. Focus only on yourself.

 

Affairs are about subjugation of ourselves to someone else's needs and wants, accepting less, much less, so they can have more, much more.

 

Mostly the way that they do this is by using false hope and crumbs. This is what he has done to you by giving you the what if's, if only's and the "I love you" as a crumb.

 

I'm on your side. NL x

[lemondrop21]

Good Start:

 

Challenge: delete all the ones that are about him. Focus only on yourself.

 

Affairs are about subjugation of ourselves to someone else's needs and wants, accepting less, much less, so they can have more, much more.

 

Mostly the way that they do this is by using false hope and crumbs. This is what he has done to you by giving you the what if's, if only's and the "I love you" as a crumb.

 

I'm on your side. NL x

 

This is very good point, thank you NL. I work on doing that.

[NewLeaf512]

Where is the new list? Need help starting off?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Where is the new list? Need help starting off?

 

Here you go (for me too)

 

1. You will never again be in a relationship where you make him feel better and he makes you feel worse.

2. You will find someone who lifts you up not brings you down.

3. Love doesn't hurt. If someone is causing you pain, they do not love you. And guess what, you cannot love someone who causes you only pain. It's not love.

4. You are fabulous and anyone who doesn't see it or doesn't think you are worth it, can kiss your ass.

 

I'm a month out from where you are LemonDrop so I read all your love through your emails/posts. I did basically the same thing you did, I ended it and he had no problem immediately doing NC. I almost died and it sounds like your relationship was more sexual, so I feel for you. It will be very difficult. But you will live. I've slipped and wrote a few pathetic emails that were not responded to, I encourage you to just write them here instead of to him. There is nothing wrong with putting all your cards on the table and show him you are human, but try to not let it all out. At my lowest moments when I literally wanted to die, I wrote emails that I left in draft without his name in the address box. I also had a few friends I cried to. But it was really, really tough. I'm no kid. I am on my second marriage and have been through a lot - but yet, it was the worst breakup I ever went through. He literally ignored me in email, text and in person. BUT I LIVED. And so will you.

 

A lot of people post here, will he be back. I've wondered it too. I can tell you that 100%, he would be back for some free sex. Don't do it. DON"T. But he is most likely not going to leave. You need to move on for YOU. I'm in the angry zone where I see through all these guys sad sack stories about the kids. Bull****. I know plenty of people who get divorced and have kids (the other country thing is different, but I am pretty sure you can't just up and take the kids). But whatever, these guys don't care about us. They are only here to get their needs met. Remember that. We fall somewhere between what to have for lunch and what TV show to watch. It's all a bunch of BS.

 

The last conversation I had with MM when we were breaking up, I asked him why he was staying (same old crap, he was miserable, blah blah) and he said, I took a vow not to leave her. I said you took other vows but they didn't stop you from you taking off your pants. He said nothing. See, its all about them. We are just objects to them. Get a little angry. Say, I'm worth more than this BS. These guys are liars. They lie to everyone and we put them on pedestals, we see them as so wonderful, strong men with wives who don't love them, they work so hard but suffer and are so lonely. They say, I wish I met you first (bet you heard that?) and I married the wrong person, blah blah.

 

Here's what they REALLY are - cowards. P*ssies. Users. Let them go out and fix their lives like grown men and set a good example for these children they parade out as the reason they cannot leave. Don't let him use you to make his better. Because that is ALL we are to them. Toys. "I want to play with you" he would say.

 

I'm a full grown woman with her own business. I'm no toy and I won't be put on a shelf. AND NEITHER WILL YOU.

[Red123]

Starting my list now... i remember reading somewhere that having a list of 100 is helpful for when you feel inclined to break NC, and also the process of making the list is supposed to be helpful in itself. So here we go.

 

REASONS FOR LEMONDROP21 TO STAY NC

 

1. Because I can't go back to being treated as an option. It makes me feel like nothing.
   
2. Because he claims his wife would up and leave with the kids in a heartbeat if she found out, and if this happened I would never forgive myself, and he would likely never forgive me.
   
3. Because I have the upper hand now, even though he pulled the trigger to end the relationship. If he decides he needs to go NC on me it will feel SO much worse.
   
4. Because their marriage might be salvageable and he needs time, space and distance to figure that out.
   
5. Because if there was really nothing salvageable in the marriage, he should have known after the summer holiday and left at that time.
   
6. Because if he loved me enough, he wouldn't be okay with going back to the arrangement.
   
7. Because his kids are still young enough to see him as superman and I don't want to be involved in shattering that illusion.
   
8. Because he admits that for awhile, although he felt immense guilt, he was happily having his cake and eating it too. He "wanted it all" as he says. That is incredibly selfish.
   
9. Because this man was willing to cheat on his wife while she was back home getting IC at his request, trying to improve herself and their marriage.
   
10. Because I could lose my job if someone found out. And it's a really good job.
    
11. Because if he really can't live without me and the benefits of being with me outweigh the costs, then he will find a way to make it work with me. It's really as simple as that.
    
12. Because causing someone's "sexual awakening" is not especially fulfilling when all other aspects of the relationships are breadcrumbs.
    
13. Because of the time I told him I loved him during sex and he didn't say it back and I felt like dying. I should be able to say "I love you" when I make love to someone and not feel like I did something bad.
    
14. Because his wife stuck by his side since they were teenagers and gave him three beautiful children. He owes it to her to either fully commit to her, or to set er free to find someone else who can.
    
15. Because I should not have to arrange to meet my "boyfriend" for a hug in the unisex restroom when I'm having a bad day.
    
16. Because I should get birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and other tokens of affection for no reason at all. And I should be able to give those gifts too.
    
17. Because I have so much love I could be giving to someone, and it feels like a waste to hold so much of it back.
    
18. Because he would probably resent the heck out of me if he actually ended up with less access to his children. Even 50% custody. He's too attached.
    
19. Because we have both done so much behind his wife's back to disrespect her. I want out. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm doing right by her.
    
20. Because I've never spent substantial amounts of time with him enough to know what a real relationship would be like. What I mourning is a FANTASY.
    
21. Because once enough time has passed and he doesn't come back, I will be able to heal and open my heart to someone else. Every instance of contact will set me back from that goal.
    
22. Because I'm tired of sneaking around people at the office trying to not be too obvious. It takes way too much mental energy.
    
23. Because who would let their marriage stay completely and utterly dead for 2+ years without making a plea to revive things? Is that the kind of person I want as my husband?
    
24. Because I have practically earned my PhD in affairs at this point and have spent WAY too much mental energy on this. What else could I have done with all of that time and energy?
    
25. Because you can only get so much satisfaction out of time-limited sex over lunch.
    
26. Because he is too emotionally attached to his children since he's used them for emotional support for so long instead of his wife... major potential baggage.
    
27. Because I have been hurting for nine months straight. There was never a moment in this affair when I was totally okay with being the other woman.
    
28. Because eventually I will be able to go into work and WORK a full 8 hours instead of spending time crying in the restroom, or staring at my phone, or at his messenger status, or checking his calendar, or any of the other stupid things that take up so much of my time as I try to end this.
    
29. Because he has managed to keep his focus at work and is getting a promotion soon, while I have barely kept up and will NOT be getting any sort of promotion, that's for sure.
    
30. Because seeing him walk around with his family acting like such a typical "good family man" makes me ANGRY and sick to my stomach.
    

... Will add more in the coming days as I move forward.

This list is really good and self aware. Good for you. Read it often and stick to it:)

[MidnightBlue1980]

Where is the new list? Need help starting off?

 

Here's the thing that will haunt you - you will think, but I love him and it feels so real, but how can I love someone who causes me so much pain?

 

Here's my take from a month of youtube videos on self help:

 

1. Women just bond from sex. It's a chemical thing. Plus you are a human being and cared about him. You got sucked into his manipulation. And causes....wait for it....

 

2. Intermittent reinforcement. Remember the mice in those lab experiments? If they hit a level and always got food, they ate when they wanted to and left it alone when full. If they never got food, they gave up. But if SOMETIMES they got a crumb, they were rewarded for their efforts and maybe if they kept at the level, another crumb would come...and yep, another crumb!

 

The mice literally kept at the lever for days without sleeping. It's how casinos work.

 

How does this work in relationship with bad guys (or ladies, to be fair, I know men are human, I have wonderful men friends who are being abused). Well, these guys/ladies reward your licking their boots every now and then with a crumb - I love you, I am thinking about leaving, I miss you.

 

And ever notice how if you pull back or are busy they reach out, just to make sure you are on the hook? MM would every day send an email that literally said, "just checking in! hope you are having a great day!!! " And if I didn't respond, eventually I'd get a bigger crumb "I love you sweetie".

 

They kept the hope alive as a form of manipulation. But once they are really done with you because you are now too much trouble, the fun is over, now they have ugh, a wive and a girlfriend, they cut you off justlikethat.

 

And you think, how did they change so fast? But they didn't. They were always an a*shole, you just were in the fog of manipulation.

 

You probably don't believe me now, you think yours is different, that his sad story is different. Who gives a sh*t? Care only about yourself. Because honey, no one else is.

[lemondrop21]

And you think, how did they change so fast? But they didn't. They were always an a*shole, you just were in the fog of manipulation.

 

You probably don't believe me now, you think yours is different, that his sad story is different. Who gives a sh*t? Care only about yourself. Because honey, no one else is.

 

Thank you, Midnight - your words are blunt in the way I needed to hear right now. I know you're right.