Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[RRM321]

It's fine to admit: "we're only human." However, at some point you have step up and choose what kind of human you want to be.

[Lovetoohard]

It's fine to admit: "we're only human." However, at some point you have step up and choose what kind of human you want to be.

 

Do you seriously not read? OW/OM are here because they are struggling with the predicament they are in - falling in love with a partner, who is EQUALLY CULPABLE of their participation, and being in a relationship with them that doesn't fit within the conventional boundaries of a healthy relationship, which is a departure from their definition of being the kind of human they want to be. Moreover, the end of that relationship and the ensuing struggle to reconcile with the reality, which is often even further complicated because the affair partner often attempts to resurrect the A in some form or fashion, and mustering the strength and will power to seriously contemplate and fight those attempts, IS stepping up and choosing what kind of a human one wants to be. I have said it before, but I will repeat it again: it is not easy to maintain the level of conviction, courage and will power to walk a straight line when you were emotionally involved with someone in an affair. There are a lot of detours along the way that you have to power through. A one note tune at an attempt to provide a solution might seem really easy from an objective perspective, but it's far more complicated than that.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Sassy Girl]

I don't feel the need to defend myself; I simply want to point out that I'm doing the best I can right now and I'm actively trying to improve myself every single day. That's where I'm at. We have all made mistakes in life and unless any of you are Jesus Christ or Ghandi, you've done things in life you wish you hadn't, and there are things about yourself that you are hopefully trying to improve.

 

It's not that I don't agree with most of what ya'll have to say, but please keep in mind that I've heard it A MILLION times before. All of us here have, because we are conscientious people who are here trying to find answers and get ourselves out of these messes. This isn't a "how to cheat and get away with it" forum.

 

It's like when a smoker buys a pack of cigarettes with a SMOKING KILLS sticker on it. Do you really think that the sticker, that he's seen a million times before, is going to motivate him to just set down the cigarettes and walk away without a second thought? "Oh, it kills. Gee, I didn't know. Well gosh darn it, I'm done then."

 

I think the reason why people take the approach with you that they do is because you don't seem to be listening.

 

You took me to task for my post being "too harsh" back in June or July... But you know what... Every single bit of it was right. We gave you good advice, you ignored it, and 7 months on You are where we predicted you would Be. It's sad.

 

What good is asking for advice when you don't seem to listen?

[lemondrop21]

I think the reason why people take the approach with you that they do is because you don't seem to be listening.

 

You took me to task for my post being "too harsh" back in June or July... But you know what... Every single bit of it was right. We gave you good advice, you ignored it, and 7 months on You are where we predicted you would Be. It's sad.

 

What good is asking for advice when you don't seem to listen?

 

At this point I'm not asking for advice per se on this particular thread. You'll note that in my recent posts to this thread, there have not been questions, only updates. I'm venting, I'm reading others' experiences, and I'm sharing my own, in the hopes of helping people who are in my own situation.

 

That said, I'm very happy to receive advice when it's written in a way that's constructive and helpful. When it comes off more like scolding or venting, I still read it and internalize it, and sometimes there are legitimate points in there, and other times there aren't. Personally, I feel that people are more responsive when I post things that are empathetic and compassionate (along with a dose of reality). The very blunt statements can be helpful as well, but not one of us reacts in an entirely welcoming manner to a perceived sense of moral superiority - and that's the part that rubs me the wrong way with some of the recent posts.

Edited February 26, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Sassy Girl]

So what I'm hearing is, you don't actually want to be accountable for your actions... You want someone to hold your hand and coddle you. Gotcha

 

For the record... It wasn't 'moral superiority' - I was an OW too... It was calling it how I saw it...experience and all, yanno. But hey.. You we're going to do it no matter what anyone told you. Or how.

[lemondrop21]

So what I'm hearing is, you don't actually want to be accountable for your actions... You want someone to hold your hand and coddle you. Gotcha

 

For the record... It wasn't 'moral superiority' - I was an OW too... It was calling it how I saw it...experience and all, yanno. But hey.. You we're going to do it no matter what anyone told you. Or how.

 

When I mentioned moral superiority I was referring to the recent posts from a couple others, not yours. I don't wish to engage in a back and forth with you. I do agree with some of the things you have to say, Sassy, on this and other threads.

 

I think that tone/delivery are important and I know there are others on this board who agree with me. Unnecessary harshness on this board drives people away and defeats the purpose of the board in the first place. There are always multiple ways of making a point. And that's the last thing I'll say on the subject.

Edited February 26, 2016 by lemondrop21

[jenkins95]

When I mentioned moral superiority I was referring to the recent posts from a couple others, not yours. I don't wish to engage in a back and forth with you. I do agree with some of the things you have to say, Sassy, on this and other threads.

 

I think that tone/delivery are important and I know there are others on this board who agree with me. Unnecessary harshness on this board drives people away and defeats the purpose of the board in the first place. There are always multiple ways of making a point. And that's the last thing I'll say on the subject.

 

Well said lemondrop. I read lots of your posts and I for one think you are doing amazingly well in such horrible circumstances.

 

Many on here have done things that we regret - I very much include myself on that category. Support on here is fantastic and constructive criticism and having our actions interpreted objectively by others is very welcome. But condescending rants do little other than to make us feel s***, as if we don't already feel enough of that.

 

Thankfully, at least in my case, the vast majority of posts have received have been the welcome ones.

 

Keep going lemondrop! You will get there!

[RRM321]

Do you seriously not read? OW/OM are here because they are struggling with the predicament they are in - falling in love with a partner, who is EQUALLY CULPABLE of their participation, and being in a relationship with them that doesn't fit within the conventional boundaries of a healthy relationship, which is a departure from their definition of being the kind of human they want to be. Moreover, the end of that relationship and the ensuing struggle to reconcile with the reality, which is often even further complicated because the affair partner often attempts to resurrect the A in some form or fashion, and mustering the strength and will power to seriously contemplate and fight those attempts, IS stepping up and choosing what kind of a human one wants to be. I have said it before, but I will repeat it again: it is not easy to maintain the level of conviction, courage and will power to walk a straight line when you were emotionally involved with someone in an affair. There are a lot of detours along the way that you have to power through. A one note tune at an attempt to provide a solution might seem really easy from an objective perspective, but it's far more complicated than that.

 

It's the individual that chooses complication, and to complicate their self talk even when they possess perfect clarity.

 

The situation itself is rarely complicated.

[RRM321]

At this point I'm not asking for advice per se on this particular thread. ... I'm venting, I'm reading others' experiences, and I'm sharing my own, in the hopes of helping people who are in my own situation.

 

We get it, this is a story about leading a horse to water, perfectly acceptable.

 

You can help people the most by allowing more than one observation to be shared. Sites that avoid that are called blogs.

[ShatteredLady]

Lemondrop. I've been reading your heartbreaking story. I'm so very sorry that you've endured such pain. I just wanted you to know that, although I haven't commented, you've been in my heart.

 

I just got very angry on the infidelity forum...A man who's marriage is in trouble having 'special dates' with a lady 'friend' with a "beautiful smile" when he's not divorcing! Ugh!!

 

I'm sorry! I threw your name in there without checking with you first. I was just so angry. I hope it's ok. I want him to see the potential pain he could cause a human being...not just "something to make HIM feel better!". Ugh!

[lemondrop21]

Lemondrop. I've been reading your heartbreaking story. I'm so very sorry that you've endured such pain. I just wanted you to know that, although I haven't commented, you've been in my heart.

 

I just got very angry on the infidelity forum...A man who's marriage is in trouble having 'special dates' with a lady 'friend' with a "beautiful smile" when he's not divorcing! Ugh!!

 

I'm sorry! I threw your name in there without checking with you first. I was just so angry. I hope it's ok. I want him to see the potential pain he could cause a human being...not just "something to make HIM feel better!". Ugh!

 

Completely fine to have used my name! If one person reads this and stops him/herself from going further in an affair and causing immense pain to at least two people in their lives, then that's fantastic!

[lemondrop21]

xMM and I have precisely one mutual friend, and that mutual friend is moving away. His farewell party was last night.

 

I had debated whether to go or not... how long I should stay... talked it over with my therapist... and so on. I had decided to see how I felt that day. If I felt strong and awesome, I would go. If not, I would stay home. I had no idea if his w would be there.

 

Honestly, I felt strong and awesome yesterday because xMM had tried to break NC 2 nights prior with a text and I resisted. So I went to the party.

 

xMM was there, w was there, AND their youngest child was there. When I first saw him and he saw me, he grinned at me and I smiled back because that's what he does to me. He was holding the kid on his lap and it was cute. I wish I had been able not to look at him.

 

His wife looked great. I can see that she's changed since the start of our A nearly ten months ago. She's lost some weight, her hair has grown out a bit and is styled a bit differently, and she was smiling and happy and chatting with others.

 

The first time I ever met her and the only time I've ever spoken to her was before the A started and she was very standoffish to me in person. And my friend who was in a fitness class with her some months ago used to always comment that she seemed unfriendly. Anyway, she was glowing last night. Almost like a different person.

 

At one point I saw him out of the corner of my eye reach out and touch her arm lightly and it was horrifying. Don't get me wrong, I know he is trying to fix their marriage and this is all exactly as it should be.

 

I felt SICK for ever having been involved in any of this. Sick and disgusted with both myself and with him. He is an idiot for thinking, at the start of our A, that their marriage was over. And now the whole "recovery" of their marriage is tainted by this deep, dark secret... or is it?

 

Maybe he's good enough at lying to himself and to her that he can just forget the whole thing and their marriage will recover just fine without it ever being disclosed. F*** him for taking away my innocence about love. I wish I didn't know that a marriage can survive and possibly even thrive with a heavy, emotional and physical affair kept hidden indefinitely.

 

Anyway, thank god I made it out of there without incident. They left relatively early in order to get the kid to sleep. At that point I sent a text asking him to come back. Yes, I broke NC but by then it already felt broken through the glances and the interaction in proximity even though we hadn't spoken. Booze did not help matters.

 

I think that at that point, I wanted him to come back so I could take him out on the street and chew him out, let him know just how terrible I think he is and just how much he's hurt me. I've been holding in this intense anger for a couple weeks now and I wanted him to have to hear me and look at me and see my pain. But I can't remember my entire thought process because I had consumed far too much alcohol by that point. It was probably 80% wanting to yell at him, 20% wanting to re-start the affair or at least for him to try.

 

He texted me back "Can't tonight, chat tomorrow?" and I responded with "Whatever." "You could come back if you really wanted to" and a couple other drunk statements along those lines. He appears to have turned off the phone after the second text so hopefully that prevented discovery.

 

He hasn't actually contacted me today and is probably angry that I texted him like that because it's risky. I don't really give a sh** if he's angry at this point. Maybe he should have thought about scenarios like this when he was starting the A. Or during the months when he was continuing the A even as things were getting better with his wife.

 

I am starting to understand the impulse to disclose the A to the BS because I feel bad for her that she's in a sham marriage. But i know it will appear as though it was done out of jealousy/bitterness since the A is over now. I think I would have had this impulse if the party had happened when the A was still continuing. But I can't know. Anyway I don't want to cause their kids to go through that and cause them even more pain. Maybe someday he will confess to her if that is what's best.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I might still chew him out at the next opportunity. Or I might go straight back to NC without fanfare.

 

I'm so angry but also hurting so much. I don't really remember getting home last night, but I was reading through one of the texts I sent to a friend at that time. "I feel stupid and little and ashamed." I so wish I could stop feeling this way.

[minimariah]

Lemon... you wouldn't be contacting his W because you want her to know that she's in a shame marriage -- you'd be contacting her because you're pissed off & you want HIM to hurt.

 

you're NOWHERE near ready to interact with him; go STRICT AND FULL NC. that means avoiding him like a plague, do not go ANYWHERE you might see him. do not contact him, delete his number, block his number, block him anywhere.

 

you're very much emotionally invested still and you need to put an end to that. start with that NC, you broke it HEAVILY - don't minimize that.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon... you wouldn't be contacting his W because you want her to know that she's in a shame marriage -- you'd be contacting her because you're pissed off & you want HIM to hurt.

 

you're NOWHERE near ready to interact with him; go STRICT AND FULL NC. that means avoiding him like a plague, do not go ANYWHERE you might see him. do not contact him, delete his number, block his number, block him anywhere.

 

you're very much emotionally invested still and you need to put an end to that. start with that NC, you broke it HEAVILY - don't minimize that.

 

Thanks for your reply mini. I think you're right about strict and full NC. I won't contact the wife, I was just reflecting on it without any actual intent to do so. I don't trust my feelings/emotions/impulses at all right now.

[jenkins95]

Feel for you Lemon - you got through a horrible ordeal last night - seeing them all smiles, kid on his knee, reaching out and touching her arm Poor you, it must have been a sickener for you.

 

It's understandable why you texted him last night under the circumstances, but well done for stopping at that. I think you agree with almost all posters who are advising you - he is a waste of your tears, effort and time - strict NC and move forward for you - that's the quickest way to a bright happy, smiling lemon!

 

Come to us any time - we are here for you (((hug)))

 

Proud of you !

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm glad other OW can read this.

[SolG]

Thank you for reminding me about what he said and how I felt after we had sex the last time... you are right, that was TOUGH but was also what I needed to hear in order to keep walking away and stay away...

 

This would be exactly the same with my exMM if we were to re-start. Even if I managed to keep the negativity at bay (by suppressing my normal, genuine human emotion) his guilt would eventually bubble up to the surface and I would feel it in various ways - him acting more aloof, less enthusiastic than usual, cancelling "dates." And then one day he would drop the bomb AGAIN that he needs to end the A AGAIN because last night he heard a certain song that hit him the wrong way, or his daughter looked at him like he's a super hero and he felt so guilty, or whatever.

 

It turns my stomach to think about going back to that place of uncertainty. Right now, I am certain that every day when I open my eyes in the morning, I will feel some degree of pain as I remember what happened. But at least there is certainty in it. During the A, I never knew what each day would bring because it was so unstable. If I'm honest, I have to say that after 3 weeks NC/6 weeks post-breakup, the degree of pain I feel most of the time is better than how the affair felt most of the time.

 

Hey ((((lemondrop)))). Ok, so you dropped the ball there at the housewarming. Now pick it up again.

 

Remember what you wrote; the pain of the A was actually worse than the end of it! That's a great fact to keep reminding yourself. And while some of the other posters may seem harsh; it is helpful to remind yourself of the potential pain that the A could have visited on other innocent parties as well.

 

This is a story we others often tell ourselves; that we can't end it because the pain will be intolerable, despite being in great pain whilst in the A. But it's just a story with little to no basis in truth. Remind yourself of this truth often; that you are actually on the way via NC to LESS pain (for you and others).

 

The thing that really worries me for you lemon is your reactivity. Even though you are not in the A and I believe you sincerely don't want to be... A lot of the 'victories' you recount here are direct reactions to the xMM. You are still allowing him to dictate your thoughts and actions beyond the A.

 

He texts, you ignore, you feel good. You check the email and see he has been on, you feel good. He sends an email, you don't respond, you feel good. You see him in person, cold shoulder him, and feel good. You see him with his W at a party, you wonder and fill the gaps with more 'stories', your stories feed your anxiety, to alleviate you anxiety you text him, you feel bad... and so on.

 

You are STILL allowing him to control you. His actions still drive your responses. I'm not an absolute advocate for NC for everyone; but I agree with mini that it is essential for you. So that you can consciously and deliberately choose your own course here without defaulting to reactivity. The former is healthy, the latter not so much.

 

You don't need to rely on his actions and your ensuing response in order to feel good about yourself (ignoring his texts, emails, etc). You can feel ten feet tall all on your own. In fact, you don't need to see yourself reflected in anyone else's actions to feel good about yourself. That need for reflected validation is what gets lots of folk into As to start with! You need to love and validate yourself; to get comfortable with soothing your own discomfort and not relying on others to do so (either directly or indirectly).

 

Go complete and strict NC. Remind yourself when you are feeling anxious that it doesn't matter what he does or thinks or feels, where his M is going, what he feels for his W, or even what he ever felt about you. None of that has any bearing on who you are and where you want to be. In fact it never did. You just allowed it to. Stop allowing it to.

 

Hopefully one day you (maybe with the help of your therapist) can get to the point where you can go, 'Wow! Why the hell did I allow myself to let others drive how I think, feel and act so much? Lets work it out so it never happens again'.

 

Good luck lemon. Keep going!

[lemondrop21]

Hey ((((lemondrop)))). Ok, so you dropped the ball there at the housewarming. Now pick it up again.

 

Remember what you wrote; the pain of the A was actually worse than the end of it! That's a great fact to keep reminding yourself. And while some of the other posters may seem harsh; it is helpful to remind yourself of the potential pain that the A could have visited on other innocent parties as well.

 

This is a story we others often tell ourselves; that we can't end it because the pain will be intolerable, despite being in great pain whilst in the A. But it's just a story with little to no basis in truth. Remind yourself of this truth often; that you are actually on the way via NC to LESS pain (for you and others).

 

The thing that really worries me for you lemon is your reactivity. Even though you are not in the A and I believe you sincerely don't want to be... A lot of the 'victories' you recount here are direct reactions to the xMM. You are still allowing him to dictate your thoughts and actions beyond the A.

 

He texts, you ignore, you feel good. You check the email and see he has been on, you feel good. He sends an email, you don't respond, you feel good. You see him in person, cold shoulder him, and feel good. You see him with his W at a party, you wonder and fill the gaps with more 'stories', your stories feed your anxiety, to alleviate you anxiety you text him, you feel bad... and so on.

 

You are STILL allowing him to control you. His actions still drive your responses. I'm not an absolute advocate for NC for everyone; but I agree with mini that it is essential for you. So that you can consciously and deliberately choose your own course here without defaulting to reactivity. The former is healthy, the latter not so much.

 

You don't need to rely on his actions and your ensuing response in order to feel good about yourself (ignoring his texts, emails, etc). You can feel ten feet tall all on your own. In fact, you don't need to see yourself reflected in anyone else's actions to feel good about yourself. That need for reflected validation is what gets lots of folk into As to start with! You need to love and validate yourself; to get comfortable with soothing your own discomfort and not relying on others to do so (either directly or indirectly).

 

Go complete and strict NC. Remind yourself when you are feeling anxious that it doesn't matter what he does or thinks or feels, where his M is going, what he feels for his W, or even what he ever felt about you. None of that has any bearing on who you are and where you want to be. In fact it never did. You just allowed it to. Stop allowing it to.

 

Hopefully one day you (maybe with the help of your therapist) can get to the point where you can go, 'Wow! Why the hell did I allow myself to let others drive how I think, feel and act so much? Lets work it out so it never happens again'.

 

Good luck lemon. Keep going!

 

This was an incredible post, Sol. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I'll be reading this over and over.

[imperfectangel]

LD, I understand your want to disclose out of anger. Only a few weeks ago a I saw a picture of mm with his family. I went a bit bunny boiler and found his wife's fb page, more pics. It made me sick. We were long distance so I think I blocked them out of my mind. Didn't think of his family as "people".

 

Anyway seeing those pics made me feel so confused. On the day his w changed her profile pic mm was emailing me all day, you can guess what about, yet there he is auditioning for his family man of the year award.

 

Very frustrating and upsetting. But my want to disclose had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. Because I wanted him to hurt like I'm hurting. Why was he getting to go live happy families while I cried, alone since it was a affair, it was horrendous.

 

That was about 6 weeks ago. I can see past all that now. His w is not my enemy. She's just a woman that met someone thought he was amazing, like I did, and they're living a "normal" life. It's not fair for me to make her life hell because of his short comings.

 

I've broken NC, he hasn't. Which makes it worse. But every day I start again, fingers crossed I'll make it.

 

You can do that too. If you genuinely don't want him anymore then just restart NC. No drama. Just NC. Don't give your mm the satisfaction of any kind of attention from you

[Grey Cloud]

Wow LD, sounds like an awful party! In a way maybe it was a good thing to see him and his w and kid in real life together as a 'happy' family? Makes it more real for you to realise in all likelihood you are wasting your time with him and are still too emotionally invested? The very first time I tried to break it off with xMM was 3 months into the affair when he changed his Facebook profile pic to a happy family smiling shot of him, his w and 2 kids. It made me feel so guilty and I kept thinking what am I doing? Prior to then I had somehow blocked it all from my mind as I was still in the "honeymoon" stage. Of course I was stupid enough for the A to go on for another 9 months after that. But sometimes we need these reminders. To remind you that he does appear to be working on his m and his w appears to be happy? It does seem like a sham when you think what he has done with you but sometimes an A makes the MM realise he wants to work on and commit to his M, unfortunately at the expense of the OW. I hope you get some of your strength back to continue NC. I feel your pain but I think you are strong enough deep down to do this!

[jenkins95]

Wow LD, sounds like an awful party! In a way maybe it was a good thing to see him and his w and kid in real life together as a 'happy' family? Makes it more real for you to realise in all likelihood you are wasting your time with him and are still too emotionally invested? The very first time I tried to break it off with xMM was 3 months into the affair when he changed his Facebook profile pic to a happy family smiling shot of him, his w and 2 kids. It made me feel so guilty and I kept thinking what am I doing? Prior to then I had somehow blocked it all from my mind as I was still in the "honeymoon" stage. Of course I was stupid enough for the A to go on for another 9 months after that. But sometimes we need these reminders. To remind you that he does appear to be working on his m and his w appears to be happy? It does seem like a sham when you think what he has done with you but sometimes an A makes the MM realise he wants to work on and commit to his M, unfortunately at the expense of the OW. I hope you get some of your strength back to continue NC. I feel your pain but I think you are strong enough deep down to do this!

 

Wise words GC and great to see you back posting again! I was just thinking about you actually! How are you doing? Are you fully recovered from the little drama the other day when you got the email from xAP? Knowing how strong and determined you are, I am confident that it was only a minor setback and that you are still fully on track.

 

LD, I hope you are feeling a little better after that horror experience and managed to distract yourself a little today so that it wasn't playing constantly on your mind. I know the party left you feeling like cr**, but you negotiated it, got through it and it has made you stronger. I know you were really low after the party and contacted MM, which is very understandable, but you do seem determined to stick to NC now - good for you. We're here!

 

NC! It's funny the significance those two letters have taken on to us all after having affairs! Last year, it would have meant nothing to us, along with many of the other acronyms, initials and terms that we all use as second nature now! But there's something particularly about 'NC' that has really taken on significance in my mind over and above the others. At once hopeful for the future, but sad in that it represents a very sudden and complete end to something that, although it was so wrong and damaging to us, also made us feel alive. NC is also like some kind of ticket to recovery......'just stay in NC, and you will get there'. There's is something eerily final about it, like this is the end, the box is closed, never open it again. But at the same time, when one is told not to do something, often that's exactly what one is tempted to do. It can all also seem like an ultimate challenge sent to test us.......'stay in NC and you will be OK..... Don't stay in NC and you're in trouble'. NC can be like a comfort blanket into which we can plough our faith when we are lost, have no more strength and have nowhere else to go, and just pray that it will take us to recovery. At the same time, before we go there it seems such a dark, daunting, scary, final place. In the end, we all end up there....... Thankfully with each other for support!

 

Mmmmm, sorry guys my mind is wandering and I'm rambling now, probably time to go to bed! Have a good evening all and let's catch up tomorrow!

Edited February 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

Wise words GC and great to see you back posting again! I was just thinking about you actually! How are you doing? Are you fully recovered from the little drama the other day when you got the email from xAP? Knowing how strong and determined you are, I am confident that it was only a minor setback and that you are still fully on track.

 

LD, I hope you are feeling a little better after that horror experience and managed to distract yourself a little today so that it wasn't playing constantly on your mind. I know the party left you feeling like cr**, but you negotiated it, got through it and it has made you stronger. I know you were really low after the party and contacted MM, which is very understandable, but you do seem determined to stick to NC now - good for you. We're here!

 

NC! It's funny the significance those two letters have taken on to us all after having affairs! Last year, it would have meant nothing to us, along with many of the other acronyms, initials and terms that we all use as second nature now! But there's something particularly about 'NC' that has really taken on significance in my mind over and above the others. At once hopeful for the future, but sad in that it represents a very sudden and complete end to something that, although it was so wrong and damaging to us, also made us feel alive. NC is also like some kind of ticket to recovery......'just stay in NC, and you will get there'. There's is something eerily final about it, like this is the end, the box is closed, never open it again. But at the same time, when one is told not to do something, often that's exactly what one is tempted to do. It can all also seem like an ultimate challenge sent to test us.......'stay in NC and you will be OK..... Don't stay in NC and you're in trouble'. NC can be like a comfort blanket into which we can plough our faith when we are lost, have no more strength and have nowhere else to go, and just pray that it will take us to recovery. At the same time, before we go there it seems such a dark, daunting, scary, final place. In the end, we all end up there....... Thankfully with each other for support!

 

Mmmmm, sorry guys my mind is wandering and I'm rambling now, probably time to go to bed! Have a good evening all and let's catch up tomorrow!

 

Jenkins - I swear you have a sixth sense about things! I was going to update my thread to say I broke NC I'll go over and do that now. I agree with everything you wrote about NC. It's like the magical answer and over time I'm sure it is but it doesn't make it any easier when you are first starting it!

[RRM321]

I felt SICK for ever having been involved in any of this. Sick and disgusted with both myself and with him.

 

They left relatively early in order to get the kid to sleep. At that point I sent a text asking him to come back.

 

I've been holding in this intense anger for a couple weeks now.

 

You're all over the map, and in a very dangerous way. You've done a number of 180 degree flips in a matter of minutes. From hating him to chasing him, from admiring the wife to wanting to destroy her with pain.

 

Break it down into it's most simple terms:

 

I am sick and disgusted with myself...

 

(your own words, not mine).

 

C'mon LemonDrop21 - your anger is misdirected. You want to blame him for this, you want to get even by hurting his wife, etc.

 

NC isn't about him - NC is all about you! It's a space and method necessary for you to resolve your anger and to stop misdirecting it in ways that will further destroy your life and the lives of others.

 

You're angry at yourself for making a poor choice. So, make space to deal with that. This is what NC is all about.

Edited February 28, 2016 by RRM321

[Lovetoohard]

I think the beginning phases after the end of an affair are terrible. You tend to wrestle with some extreme and conflicted emotions. I don't think i'm qualified to even attempt to articulate those emotions. They are truly inexplicable in my opinion, and for me, looking back on it, it really took toll on my health, more so than the affair itself. I felt like I was going crazy with all that noise in my head.

 

Sometimes, in our desire to move forward with our lives and get back to normalcy as quickly as possible, we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that we are strong and ready to face any obstacles head on. That feeling of being 10 feet tall doesn't last long. The reason for that is because we declare we don't want any part of the affair and xMM/MW anymore, but it's one thing to say it, and an entirely different thing to feel that desire deep down within. Deep down, you do miss some aspects of this person and how there were times you were happy and you wish that everything would have just fallen into place and everyone would end up with what they wanted, including the W, all without any of the messiness. And you often obsess over whether you actually meant anything to xMM and you want him to long for you the way you did for him. There's no shame in admitting it. That feeling stays there for longer than we want, but it gets easier to ignore it with time.

 

The good thing is though, that there's a much much bigger part of you that wants to move forward with your life, and it overpowers that tiny little voice in your head saying that you just want all the happy parts back because it hurts....but not ALL the time. Sometimes it's triggered by something, other times, it's completely out of the blue. So what you have to do to avoid any pit falls is limit your contact. Attending an event knowing that the wife will be there is something I don't think I can handle, even today. So you were brave to do that, but it's too soon. I know that it's not entirely possible to go NC because you work in the same office and seem to run in the same social circles, but if you can figure out a sustainable, long-term approach instead of setting some artificial timeline for yourself that would be good. This is a life style change, not simply just abstaining from some vice for a certain number of days. My recommendation would be to not initiate any contact, limit contact if he reaches out by being very unemotional and business-like, and avoid being in any social setting if he's going to be there for a bit. There's really no timeline for this and you'll know you're getting stronger when you're starting to feeling feel your emotions stabilizing and you're feeling 10 feet tall because you feel good about things without any external factor giving you that boost. The time and distance will help you better manage your interactions in the future, and equally importantly, it will give you time to solidify your stance on the toxic nature of that relationship and give you some clear head space to focus on your future goals.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[RRM321]

we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that we are strong and ready to face any obstacles head on. That feeling of being 10 feet tall doesn't last long. The reason for that is because we declare we don't want any part of the affair and xMM/MW anymore, but it's one thing to say it, and an entirely different thing to feel that desire deep down within. Deep down, you do miss some aspects of this person and how there were times you were happy and you wish

 

This is what it means to be conflicted - to wish for something that is unrealistic.

 

The first step toward realistic is to accept that HIS affair is not your concern. The problem you have to face is YOUR affair. You only have to heal ONE person.