Ending my affair...

[devastated777]

I am the OW. Affair began as EA, then turned to PA after a few months. MM is married, happily, other than his wife doesn't like sex. He was resentful over many years of rejection but other than that, great people. he feels that his marriage is better now because of our A.

 

 

I have a few people I date (no sex), but I cant seem to move forward because of my feelings for him. I'm afraid I became too attached. Never have I felt such chemistry for someone and it truly is best sex we have both had, which is why we seem to have a hard time staying away.

 

 

What I cant seem to understand about myself, is why on earth would I allow someone to treat me like this? A crumb here and there, over men who are taking me out to dinner and want to be with me. I just feel that no one compares to MM. My therapist says I am commitment phobic and choose men who aren't available.

 

 

I suppose I have really been thinking and I know this has to end. The damage this could do, because of two selfish people, absolutely makes me feel sick, yet I always think, just one more time...And I certainly don't want to hurt people and it would devastate them. I need to make myself cut it out. Just really wanted some encouragement and reminders of how this a no win situation.

 

 

thanks and if anyone wants to let me have it, please do so. I deserve it.

[velvette]

I am the OW. Affair began as EA, then turned to PA after a few months. MM is married, happily, other than his wife doesn't like sex. He was resentful over many years of rejection but other than that, great people. he feels that his marriage is better now because of our A.

 

 

I have a few people I date (no sex), but I cant seem to move forward because of my feelings for him. I'm afraid I became too attached. Never have I felt such chemistry for someone and it truly is best sex we have both had, which is why we seem to have a hard time staying away.

 

 

What I cant seem to understand about myself, is why on earth would I allow someone to treat me like this? A crumb here and there, over men who are taking me out to dinner and want to be with me. I just feel that no one compares to MM. My therapist says I am commitment phobic and choose men who aren't available.

 

 

I suppose I have really been thinking and I know this has to end. The damage this could do, because of two selfish people, absolutely makes me feel sick, yet I always think, just one more time...And I certainly don't want to hurt people and it would devastate them. I need to make myself cut it out. Just really wanted some encouragement and reminders of how this a no win situation.

 

 

thanks and if anyone wants to let me have it, please do so. I deserve it.

 

What do you think about your therapist's assessment of your situation?

[RoseVille]

I am attracted to men who aren't available as well. It's my pattern. But usually they're geographically unavailable, or emotionally unavailable, not LEGALLY unavailable.

[devastated777]

Velvette,

 

 

I think it's highly possible. I am not too good in the relationships department. Before therapy and since my last breakup, which devastated me (or so I thought at the time), I used to attract people that I felt like I had to please or fix. Therapist says it stems from my relationship with my parents. So yes, to answer your question he's on to something.

[jen1447]

I take it the wife doesn't know?

 

Great sex can be a really powerful force.

[devastated777]

No, she doesn't know. yes, the sex is intense.

[jen1447]

Do you actually want to end it?

[Sassy Girl]

Firstly, sorry to state the bleeding obvious but this

 

he feels that his marriage is better now because of our A.

 

Is just bollocks.

 

It's actually a pretty gross statement to begin with, but besides that - he's having an affair. His marriage is not better. It's worse. Waaaay worse. You can't fix a marriage by looking outside it. This is a nuke ticking away in the background. People WILL get hurt. Not the least of which will be YOU.

 

What he actually means is that is penis feels better. His fragile ego feels better because he's found someone to stroke it. And you know, he's got everything he wanted... The wife with the kids at home who he loves and is generally happy with and his bit on the side which keeps his peen and ego happy. I hope you don't have a dday, because you'll find pretty quickly under the bus you'll go.

 

Just remember that while life and available options pass you by that he has no loyalty to you. When push comes to shove he will drop you like a hot potato.

 

I'm not sure your therapists assessment is correct because of you were commitment phobic you wouldn't have allowed yourself become so attached. Yet you are. You need to protect your emotional health better. Being with him only makes it worse.

[RoseVille]

Firstly, sorry to state the bleeding obvious but this

 

 

 

Is just bollocks.

 

It's actually a pretty gross statement to begin with, but besides that - he's having an affair. His marriage is not better. It's worse. Waaaay worse. You can't fix a marriage by looking outside it.

 

When I feel this way (that his marriage seems better), it's because of this:

 

• He's getting sex elsewhere, thereby not feeling rejected by his wife who feels like sex is a chore and is glad he's off her arse
  
• His emotional needs of feeling valued and appreciated are also being fulfilled, so that he's not bitter or angry or resentful when he goes home and wants it but doesn't get it
  
• His mood is therefore improved, and he's not resentful and snarky at his wife, and actually enjoys spending time at home
  
• Wife with low-libido is relieved of her "chore" and finds her husband to be in a better mood, thereby making her happy, too
  
• He feels some guilt, so he spends more time at home, doing chores, being kinder, maybe even chocolates and flowers (i.e., he's trying harder)
  
• Wife appreciates the "trying harder" of her "loving" husband
  

That's how I think about it - at first blush.

 

In reality, I realize it's probably very different.

[Sassy Girl]

When I feel this way (that his marriage seems better), it's because of this:

 

• He's getting sex elsewhere, thereby not feeling rejected by his wife who feels like sex is a chore and is glad he's off her arse
  
• His emotional needs of feeling valued and appreciated are also being fulfilled, so that he's not bitter or angry or resentful when he goes home and wants it but doesn't get it
  
• His mood is therefore improved, and he's not resentful and snarky at his wife, and actually enjoys spending time at home
  
• Wife with low-libido is relieved of her "chore" and finds her husband to be in a better mood, thereby making her happy, too
  
• He feels some guilt, so he spends more time at home, doing chores, being kinder, maybe even chocolates and flowers (i.e., he's trying harder)
  
• Wife appreciates the "trying harder" of her "loving" husband
  

That's how I think about it - at first blush.

 

In reality, I realize it's probably very different.

There is so much wrong in this I don't know where to start.

[Satu]

Go here and read everything.

[RoseVille]

There is so much wrong in this I don't know where to start.

 

At the beginning, please!

 

Because really, that's where my mind goes... And I think, "WTF Rose, you're making his life BETTER and yours WORSE!"

[Sassy Girl]

At the beginning, please!

 

Because really, that's where my mind goes... And I think, "WTF Rose, you're making his life BETTER and yours WORSE!"

 

I don't have time right now.... But the best thing you can do is go and read some BS stories on the infidelity board to get an accurate description of the state of the marriage when one spouse is engaged in an affair.

[jellybean89]

No, she doesn't know. yes, the sex is intense.

 

You actually have no idea if the wife has sex with him, pleases him or anything about their marriage except for what HE says.

 

No married man is going to tell his mistress or potential mistress that the sex with the wife is mind blowing and amazing and as the years have gone by, they have learned more about what pleases the other and do what they can to ensure the sex life stays fresh and pleasing. Nope, he isn't going to say that - because what woman who raise her hand eagerly to hit the sack with him?

 

It continually amazes me how women take the word of a liar as the gospel truth. Even if you were 'friends' with the wife, you would have no idea what they do in the bedroom (or wherever they have sex).

 

It also seems that most women who are in an affair are the first to say that it isn't about the sex, yet that seems to be what is discussed (its the "best sex ever" for both, the wife doesn't put out, etc).

 

Couple who have long term relationships have highs and lows - from communication to sex and everything in between. A couple may have issues in the relationship that prevent the hot money sex from happening every night. Things like:

 

work

kids

medical issues

financial stress

anxiety

death of a loved one

 

can affect someone's sex drive. If the man/woman who believes they deserve/need more than their partner is giving them, the respectful, loving thing to do is talk to their spouse; not go find a new sex partner.

 

I agree that you having sex with him isn't helping his marriage; but it is obviously doing something that makes him want to stay married and not divorce/separate from this sexless wife. Sex is NOT the main ingredient for a happy marriage and I think that is what so many OW seem to forget. There will come a time for ALL OF US when sex stops - medical issues or being widowed are two top reasons that come to mind. People can get hot/excited for pretty much anyone - show me one guy who doesn't get turned on by the Victoria Secret models prancing around in their undies. Heck, the wind blowing can get a man erect. Sex does NOT equal love, caring, devotion or happiness. Sex is a physical release which can be intensified by feelings of love. But even people who don't love each other (or like each other) can have sex and it doesn't mean they are soul mates or 'meant to be together'.

 

how much more of your life are you going to spend having sex with a married dude? how much longer are you going to allow that to be a part of you? Months? Years? As you can see, even 'great sex' doesn't equal to him wanting to be with you cause at the end of the day, he still goes home to his wife, still spends non-working time with her and still plans a future with her. Is "great sex" enough for you to continue to live your life alone without a partner? Sure wouldn't be for me.

 

I hope you can find happiness for yourself and not at the expense of someone else.

[AngeliqueC]

I think that in a MM's eyes, the A can appear to help the M because it gives him an outlet for his sexual/emotional/ego needs and allows him greater "conflict avoidance" at home. It's a short term solution to a long term problem.

[Grapesofwrath]

When I feel this way (that his marriage seems better), it's because of this:

 

• He's getting sex elsewhere, thereby not feeling rejected by his wife who feels like sex is a chore and is glad he's off her arse
  
• His emotional needs of feeling valued and appreciated are also being fulfilled, so that he's not bitter or angry or resentful when he goes home and wants it but doesn't get it
  
• His mood is therefore improved, and he's not resentful and snarky at his wife, and actually enjoys spending time at home
  
• Wife with low-libido is relieved of her "chore" and finds her husband to be in a better mood, thereby making her happy, too
  
• He feels some guilt, so he spends more time at home, doing chores, being kinder, maybe even chocolates and flowers (i.e., he's trying harder)
  
• Wife appreciates the "trying harder" of her "loving" husband
  

That's how I think about it - at first blush.

 

In reality, I realize it's probably very different.

 

Lots of truth here. His marriage isn't better in terms of a sound foundation for family, trust, and intimacy, but it could be WAY improved in terms of day-to-day harmony. He goes home happy. He has a spring in his step. He isn't pestering his wife for sex so much (though in marriages where the spouses still have sex, I've read that the sex actually increases because the WS is feeling like a tiger.) And as Rose astutely points out, he may be feeling guilty so he is pitching in more around the house, is more solicitous of her, more affectionate, etc.

 

Now if you judge a marriage by measures of trust, honesty, and loyalty, then no. It's not helping.

[Josmatjes]

Firstly, sorry to state the bleeding obvious but this

 

 

 

Is just bollocks.

 

It's actually a pretty gross statement to begin with, but besides that - he's having an affair. His marriage is not better. It's worse. Waaaay worse. You can't fix a marriage by looking outside it. This is a nuke ticking away in the background. People WILL get hurt. Not the least of which will be YOU.

 

What he actually means is that is penis feels better. His fragile ego feels better because he's found someone to stroke it. And you know, he's got everything he wanted... The wife with the kids at home who he loves and is generally happy with and his bit on the side which keeps his peen and ego happy. I hope you don't have a dday, because you'll find pretty quickly under the bus you'll go.

 

Just remember that while life and available options pass you by that he has no loyalty to you. When push comes to shove he will drop you like a hot potato.

 

I'm not sure your therapists assessment is correct because of you were commitment phobic you wouldn't have allowed yourself become so attached. Yet you are. You need to protect your emotional health better. Being with him only makes it worse.

 

 

So true!! As soon as things aren't as easy he will be gone!

[OWAmy]

I am the OW. Affair began as EA, then turned to PA after a few months. MM is married, happily, other than his wife doesn't like sex. He was resentful over many years of rejection but other than that, great people. he feels that his marriage is better now because of our A.

 

My xMM says he has a great life with his wife but the lack of intimacy is an issue for BOTH of them. I get how this can be true because I've been in that position in a LTR before. It was the one I was in when I started my affair so xMM was a catalyst to me leaving. From meeting xMM to end of my relationship it was a mere 4 months. I think some men in affairs definitely do suffer rejection at home, libidos change, life gets in the way and they get these needs met elsewhere so the affair actually perpetuates the marriage. I would hate to think I was perpetuating a marriage - makes it sound like it ought to be something you should be getting paid for.

 

I have a few people I date (no sex), but I cant seem to move forward because of my feelings for him. I'm afraid I became too attached. Never have I felt such chemistry for someone and it truly is best sex we have both had, which is why we seem to have a hard time staying away.

 

Oh no I doubt you could move forward- not until you find someone who you feel is better than MM - and that is in all respects. I had amazing chemistry with my xMM but luckily I've had this before in relationships - at least twice so I know chances are I'll find someone else who I also have this with in future. For me the butterflies, desire, honeymoon period never went but I put that down to not seeing one another that much. I think that's where people get really confused over affairs - you start believing it's something otherwordly because this honeymoon period goes on for years - 4yrs in my case. To me the honeymoon period should be a stage before you move on to a deeper level and get settled in a relationship. Thing about affairs is they don't really grow or go nowhere a lot of the time so shouldn't even be compared with a normal relationship.

 

 

What I cant seem to understand about myself, is why on earth would I allow someone to treat me like this? A crumb here and there, over men who are taking me out to dinner and want to be with me. I just feel that no one compares to MM. My therapist says I am commitment phobic and choose men who aren't available.

 

Maybe you seek out emotionally unavailable men, like me? I look back at my track record and until Tuesday spot any particular pattern as they all seemed to be an improvement on the last. Then I figured it out - there were all elements of emotionally unavailability so sure enough they don't come more emotional unavailable than a MM!! I also make myself emotionally unavailable.

 

I suppose I have really been thinking and I know this has to end. The damage this could do, because of two selfish people, absolutely makes me feel sick, yet I always think, just one more time...And I certainly don't want to hurt people and it would devastate them. I need to make myself cut it out. Just really wanted some encouragement and reminders of how this a no win situation.

 

I would take yourself away from thinking about the damage this could cause to others not because it's not important but all you have control over now is you and maybe best if you concentrate on you and the damage this is doing to you now.

 

 

thanks and if anyone wants to let me have it, please do so. I deserve it.

Please do not say things like this. Nothing that anyone says will make you get out of the affair. And they won't be telling you anything you don't already know. You have to want change for yourself. You got to get in the real world!!

[OWAmy]

Hey I'm sorry about my convoluted post. I tried doing my thoughts in italics but it hasn't come out like that now it's live.

[RoseVille]

I don't have time right now.... But the best thing you can do is go and read some BS stories on the infidelity board to get an accurate description of the state of the marriage when one spouse is engaged in an affair.

 

There's his version of the marriage, her version of the marriage, and the objective/real view of the marriage.

 

My point is, in my view and limited experience, the A is helping his version of the marriage. The A is making the marriage better, more tolerable, happier even, FOR HIM.

[RoseVille]

Lots of truth here. His marriage isn't better in terms of a sound foundation for family, trust, and intimacy, but it could be WAY improved in terms of day-to-day harmony. He goes home happy. He has a spring in his step. He isn't pestering his wife for sex so much (though in marriages where the spouses still have sex, I've read that the sex actually increases because the WS is feeling like a tiger.) And as Rose astutely points out, he may be feeling guilty so he is pitching in more around the house, is more solicitous of her, more affectionate, etc.

 

Now if you judge a marriage by measures of trust, honesty, and loyalty, then no. It's not helping.

 

This, yes. I'm not speaking of the health of the marriage, but the marriage as it pertains to him, his feelings, his needs. The A makes the marriage better, for him.

[RoseVille]

So true!! As soon as things aren't as easy he will be gone!

 

Gone from where?

 

Things aren't easy in the M now, and he ain't gone. He's just in another woman's bed.

[Sassy Girl]

There's his version of the marriage, her version of the marriage, and the objective/real view of the marriage.

 

My point is, in my view and limited experience, the A is helping his version of the marriage. The A is making the marriage better, more tolerable, happier even, FOR HIM.

 

hell- don't take my word for it. Go and read the infidelity forum. If you can't bear to read the BS point of view, just check out some of the waywards - that will give you some interesting insights.

 

I will tell you - as a wayward - that unless you are an expert in compartmentalisation, an affair will always have a negative impact on the marriage and the cheating spouses mental health.. A third party drives a wedge between the bond between spouses. How a wayward handles that depends on their ability to compartmentalise and empathise.

[RoseVille]

hell- don't take my word for it. Go and read the infidelity forum. If you can't bear to read the BS point of view, just check out some of the waywards - that will give you some interesting insights.

 

I will tell you - as a wayward - that unless you are an expert in compartmentalisation, an affair will always have a negative impact on the marriage and the cheating spouses mental health.. A third party drives a wedge between the bond between spouses. How a wayward handles that depends on their ability to compartmentalise and empathise.

 

You keep telling me to go read other forums. I spent months reading all over this website before I joined, including those forums. I'm having a discussion here, in this one. I realize you're too busy to explain, but I've explained why I often think the way I do about the marriage improving FOR THE WH, and others have agreed with that line of thinking. I'm not saying I'm accurate/correct that that's what actually happens, but it's an assumption many OW have, and one that seems to have played out right before my very eyes. He is literally happier now, in his marriage.

Edited May 9, 2015 by RoseVille

[jbrent890]

You keep telling me to go read other forums. I spent months reading all over this website before I joined, including those forums. I'm having a discussion here, in this one. I realize you're too busy to explain, but I've explained why I often think the way I do about the marriage improving FOR THE WH, and others have agreed with that line of thinking. I'm not saying I'm accurate/correct that that's what actually happens, but it's an assumption many OW have, and one that seems to have played out right before my very eyes. He is literally happier now, in his marriage.

 

Of course he is happy, he is getting his needs met by two women. This is called getting your ego stroked. But you originally said his marriage is now better. You could not be more wrong. He is cheating on his wife, that's not a good marriage. The emotional energy that should be reserved for her is now being used on you. I don't care what you tell yourself, he is not a better husband because of this affair, in fact, he is worse. Instead of fighting for his marriage or leaving with dignity, he is choosing the cowards way out and cheating on his wife and runs the potential of destroying his family. At the end of the day, that is what all these men are, cowards.