Ending my affair...

[RoseVille]

Of course he is happy, he is getting his needs met by two women. This is called getting your ego stroked. But you originally said his marriage is now better. You could not be more wrong. He is cheating on his wife, that's not a good marriage. The emotional energy that should be reserved for her is now being used on you. I don't care what you tell yourself, he is not a better husband because of this affair, in fact, he is worse. Instead of fighting for his marriage or leaving with dignity, he is choosing the cowards way out and cheating on his wife and runs the potential of destroying his family. At the end of the day, that is what all these men are, cowards.

 

For crying out loud. I've clarified several times - marriage better from his perspective.

 

But thank you for validating my point: "Of course he's happy."

[Poppy47]

Of course he is happy, he is getting his needs met by two women. This is called getting your ego stroked. But you originally said his marriage is now better. You could not be more wrong. He is cheating on his wife, that's not a good marriage. The emotional energy that should be reserved for her is now being used on you. I don't care what you tell yourself, he is not a better husband because of this affair, in fact, he is worse. Instead of fighting for his marriage or leaving with dignity, he is choosing the cowards way out and cheating on his wife and runs the potential of destroying his family. At the end of the day, that is what all these men are, cowards.

 

He is having his cake and eating it too.... he has found himself in a great situation and you are providing it for him. Of course he is happier. YOu will not be in the long run.

 

Poppy

[whichwayisup]

And how would you feel knowing how happy his wife is now (yet she is clueless as to why he's happier, he's doing the ultimate betrayal in the meantime so all his efforts at home aren't truly sincere) because he's doing nice things for her, they're getting along so well and let's say because of that their sex life improves..And he tells you this, thanks to you, that he has frequent sex with her.

 

This guy is ALL about himself. Marriage involves two people not one.

[elaine567]

He may be presenting the "happier" image to you because he needs to keep you on board and keep his sexual supply intact. That doesn't mean he is not in hell, worried sick and feeling guilty, that doesn't mean his wife is not also in hell and worried sick or feeling very sad.

 

He has got to justify his position to you too. He doesn't want to be seen as merely a selfish cake eater.

He knows most women will not accept that, apart from those with no self esteem, those who are desperate, or those who only want a FWB relationship.

 

So in order to keep "normal" women happy, he has to write a story around the affair; the sexless marriage, the loveless marriage, the miserable marriage...

That can persuade even the most moral, as there is then something a bit more wholesome and "good" about the affair.

"He needs saved, and I am the one to save him"

"His wife may not know her husband is seeing me, but I am helping her and her marriage."

 

As many married men have embraced monogamy, he has to also justify his cheating ways to himself.

So he often portrays himself as

the victim,

"If it wasn't for the circumstances I find myself in, I would be loyal and true."

or the saviour,

"I am saving my marriage."

or the lover, the hopeless and helpless romantic,

"I am so in love with the OW, I do not know what I am doing..."

 

Many MM who have posted here on LS, seem to be torn, between keeping the usually "unsuitable" (in their eyes) OW, and lying to their wife.

They often know the A is going nowhere in reality, but that doesn't stop a part of them being hooked to the excitement, the newness and the sex from the OW.

They want/need the OW, but realise the ridiculousness of the situation and often know they are not going to leave their marriage whatever happens.

That is why when D-day comes, most don't have to think a lot about their decision, they want to stay in their marriage, if they can.

[loveboid]

I'm thinking he could be happier in his marriage in the sense that he has more distance and therefore less conflict with this wife. I would look up triangulation. People triangulate with pets, children, work. So he can rely on you to keep him distant from his wife and if W ever finds out she can be upset at you not him.

 

Likewise, if W triangulates with her child, being more connected to her child, she can be distant and avoid conflict with H, and H's resentment will be misdirected to the child. So the child and H will have a rocky relationship instead of the W and H.

 

Very interesting to me. Also I think this is why people end their marriage when children leave the nest because the parents were triangulating the kids to avoid each other and make their relationship more stable. (Stable in the sense of putting a wedge under a table leg rather than applying a proper fix.)

[Ruffian1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sassy Girl

There is so much wrong in this I don't know where to start.

At the beginning, please!

 

Because really, that's where my mind goes... And I think, "WTF Rose, you're making his life BETTER and yours WORSE!"

 

 

In what ways does it make your life worse?

 

 

Do you think it makes his wife and families' life better too?

[RoseVille]

In what ways does it make your life worse?

 

Haha! Have you read any portion of this forum?! Single OWs are really unhappy in their As.

 

Do you think it makes his wife and families' life better too?

 

Again, that wasn't the viewpoint I was addressing.

[Babs22]

Quote from OP - Devastated777: "I have a few people I date (no sex), but I cant seem to move forward because of my feelings for him. I'm afraid I became too attached. Never have I felt such chemistry for someone and it truly is best sex we have both had, which is why we seem to have a hard time staying away."

 

For the OP, since you are a Single OW and you can't seem to move forward in any other relationship, yes you probably do need to end it so you can move on. I know this won't be easy for you, but you do deserve someone who is there for you all the time. I would think your Married OM would want the same for you. It is not easy for most woman to have an intimate relationship with two guys at the same time.

 

RoseVille, I totally get what you are saying. I am in a long term relationship with a MOM, I am also married. I do believe, that from his perspective, his ability to stay in his marriage is improved because he is getting his needs met by me. I provide support emotionally, I provide sex and yes, I stroke his ego. I believe he does care about me, but I also believe he cares about her. I can now see that it would be difficult for him to leave her for many reasons. I do think he can compartmentalize things and because he is getting his needs met elsewhere, he is able to be more content at home. This way, he can remain the same person in the eyes of the world, his family, her family, their mutual friends. He stands to lose/change all those relationships if he gets a divorce.

 

Maybe things are going on in her mind about their marriage, maybe she wonders about or doubts him or their relationship. I have no way of knowing. They do not have kids, so it is only about the two of them. I do not think they are living a perfect life. They had issues before me (like her not wanting to have sex), and those issues are still there. But I think they can hang out and do things together and enjoy each others company and that is more possible because they don't have to deal with their sexual differences and other issues.

 

Maybe that makes him a coward because he couldn't resolve or just accept her lack of wanting to have sex with him. I do know you cannot make sex happen if someone doesn't want it. Maybe it makes him a coward for not wanting to divorce her and turn his entire life upside down. I don't know. He had unmet needs in his marriage, and he found a way to have them met. I do believe that he is happier and his marriage is more bearable because he did.

[RoseVille]

Thanks, Babs, for understanding what I was saying.

[Ruffian1]

Single OWs are really unhappy in their As.

Just single OW? Does that mean MW are happy in an A, like a MM is?

 

 

I have read the forums and I have seen where single OW are in A's for along time, (years) so they must be happy with the arrangement or they would stop.

[RoseVille]

Single OWs are really unhappy in their As.

Just single OW? Does that mean MW are happy in an A, like a MM is?

 

 

I have read the forums and I have seen where single OW are in A's for along time, (years) so they must be happy with the arrangement or they would stop.

 

Have you ever been an OP? If not, you don't know what it's like in our shoes.

[GirlStillStrong]

hell- don't take my word for it. Go and read the infidelity forum. If you can't bear to read the BS point of view, just check out some of the waywards - that will give you some interesting insights.

 

I will tell you - as a wayward - that unless you are an expert in compartmentalisation, an affair will always have a negative impact on the marriage and the cheating spouses mental health.. A third party drives a wedge between the bond between spouses. How a wayward handles that depends on their ability to compartmentalise and empathise.

 

Sorry, but I disagree. The third party doesn't drive the wedge, the WS does.

[GirlStillStrong]

You keep telling me to go read other forums. I spent months reading all over this website before I joined, including those forums. I'm having a discussion here, in this one. I realize you're too busy to explain, but I've explained why I often think the way I do about the marriage improving FOR THE WH, and others have agreed with that line of thinking. I'm not saying I'm accurate/correct that that's what actually happens, but it's an assumption many OW have, and one that seems to have played out right before my very eyes. He is literally happier now, in his marriage.

 

I think it's safe to say that everyone is different. Some WS's marriages become easier or happier, some perhaps not. I think you are right, though, that in cases where the marriage / home environment is bad, the affair serves as a sort of pressure release, like opening the release valve on a pressure cooker or whatever. They let off some steam, have some fun, having sex fills their brains with all sorts of feel-good brain chemicals and endorphins. They relax a bit more, they smile a bit more, they get distracted from the home problems, etc. But I have read also how they make trouble at home, or act angrily toward the BS, I guess to shift blame for the affair.

[jen1447]

I don't have a dog in this hunt but I can see RoseVille's point that a marriage could conceivably improve. Maybe superficially, but still improve in some respects.

[Sassy Girl]

Sorry, but I disagree. The third party doesn't drive the wedge, the WS does.

 

Lol they both do. You could say no, you went there anyway. You're both complicit.

[Sassy Girl]

I don't have a dog in this hunt but I can see RoseVille's point that a marriage could conceivably improve. Maybe superficially, but still improve in some respects.

 

I agree.. Superficially... If they are great at compartmentalising. But Rose what you're saying here is no gelling with your own MMs behaviour. He's pushing and pulling, having guilt and a range of other negative emotions which had led to him ending your affair. Unless he is a master at compartmentalising this is almost certainly also affecting his marriage. Hence the marriage counselling and break up.

 

Sure he might temporarily feel Better - he's getting sex and his ego stroked, but deep down he knows it's a negative pact on his marriage. It's not better, he's NOT happier and so he ended it.

 

So many times we see betrayed Poeple on here forums asking why their partner has changed - they're irritable, distant, picking fights, questioning the marriage, giving them "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. They are sometimes depressed, withdrawn and distant. Other times their mean and aggressive and temperamental and often emotionally or verbally abusive. And it's not just to spouses, it's children too. THESE people can't compartmentalise. Their marriage, in fact many of their relationships are NOT better. They are way worse. Usually driven by guilt and shame. Betrayed spouses are sometimes falling over themselves trying to figure out what's wrong in the marriage and don't even realise they are in competition

 

Of course every situation is different. People react differently and manage stres differently. But saying you having sex with a married man makes his marriage better honestly reeks of justification for bad behaviour. Your not doing his wife any favours so get that notion it of our head. I've never heard a betrayed wife get on her and say "thank god for his affair - he wasn't bugging me for sex anymore" . And in the long term, you're my doing your MM any favours either. That's just spin you need to either convince yourself your behaviour is ok, or to paint yourself as he victim as your the one who suffers through the relationship while he gets the best of both worlds.

 

Neither is true. You have choices. You chose an affair situation. You wear those consequences.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Rose, I do agree that for some WS they are/appear to be more content with their life.

 

However, for a fair portion of WS, when the wheels fall off, either through their own conscience or a Dday that forces their conscience, the aftermath of how many WS view themselves is devastating to their soul. Many report, that had they known the personal cost to how they would view themselves, they would have never engaged in an affair. Many WS, do not look fondly back on the AP, nor the affair. For many, it is tied to the worst part of who they allowed themselves to be. I read where one FWS, called their affair soul-suicide. It is extremely difficult to stand and bear witness to the pain that you have inflicted upon a family member.

 

Before this gets jumped upon by those that are now in SO relationships with their AP, I am putting forth what happens OFTEN...in those affairs that were never intended to be exit affairs and where the WS is in R with their spouse.

 

I am sure, that there are indeed affairs where the WS walks off without a second thought to their personal view of themselves diminished in the slightest...or that the marriage should have ended in D.

 

I do not believe that most....regardless of what hat they wear in an affair, would ever want to revisit that emotional hornets nest ever again.

 

So, for myself...to spin an affair as a tool to improve ones life is not giving good and proper counsel.

[devastated777]

Thanks everyone for all the input!

 

I totally get what each and everyone is saying. I believe that in his world, he thinks things at home are more tolerable because he avoids conflict. Right now, I am his band aid. Meanwhile, his wife can breathe a sigh of relief because he isn't pestering her for sex. Why shoul he? I provide that whenever he is available. I drop other great men who want to spend time with me so I can steal time with him. Now if dday comes. Which it will if this continues. I THEN will be thrown under the bus and after the devastating blows lessen now that the band aid has been jerked off, I will be the enemy. The vixen who came in and caused damage. How things go from there, I don't know. Depends on if she can forgive or not. But I certainly don't want it to resort to this. But if it does, or even if I continue this NC, he is forced to deal with this "problem" in his marriage rather than temporarily alleviate the situation.

 

So now that NC has been continuing since Friday, he is facing his reality. So he will either try and talk to her more or find another. He will not have trouble with that though. He's a musician that has plenty of groupies that constantly throw themselves at him. I just hope he fixes his marriage. I have bowed out. I hope he can continue to leave me alone and give me the chance to find a great man that can give my love and heart to.

[m4p]

Hello OP,

 

Throughout my A with xMM, I was relatively happy with my then partner and I felt that xMM was also generally in a good place in his marriage and with me. We were, well, HAPPY. For almost 2 years. What mentioned by some in this thread is true to a certain extent. We had our sexual and intimacy needs met by each other, and go home everyday to our respective partners feeling largely contented and languid. It almost felt like the perfect situation to be in.

 

But in retrospect, it was all a false sense of security. The fact that we were not caught merely gave us the confidence to shove everything under the rug and pretended it is okay.

 

D-day happened and xMM probably didn't expect how deeply affected he was. We were probably in denial the entire A and didn't wanna think of the "what ifs"

 

I got some true and harsh insights then, from xMM, ramblings about how devastated he is to have hurt his W, and that he felt really really really guilty and sorry for causing all those hurt and sadness to the W and his family. It was really "soul-suicide" I do think. He is fundamentally a good person you see, but yet he went through two years of lying and compartmentalizing and showering affections on another woman and was "happy" with that outsider. I almost felt bad for playing a part in staining his soul (lol. Well he did feel bad for making me the OW for the first time in my life).

 

I really only then realized that for an average, decent human being, it really does tear one apart to face the consequence of their betrayal and have it blow up in one's face.

 

I'm not talking about mildly psychopathic or crazy manipulative serial cheaters... More of the run-of-the-mill.. Never-thought-I'll-cheat kinda people. Like you, maybe. Like me.

 

Another thing. No matter a MM is happy or unhappy in his marriage, that's for him to handle. And for us to run for the hills. I fear many OWs actually think that we are important enough (best sex ever, wife wouldn't give him.. I make him so much happier.. Bla bla bla)... Well, if we were important enough, we wouldn't be pouring our hearts out on this forum. Haha. And no matter if we want them to leave their marriage or not, it is never a good feeling to be an OW. Full of grief and tattered nerves. I started out as FWB with xMM and it became a full blown EA and PA. Sheesh. No love should feel this painful and no woman deserves to be waiting at the sideline.... Always waiting.. Always wondering.. No man is worth doing that for.

 

Another realization I now have, 3 months post D-day and 2 months of NC. I feel that I really need to respect the whole sanctity and sacredness of the institution of marriage in general. Wouldn't we too want to be married to the love of our life one day? I don't feel very comfortable when I see OWs making general statements or rather, taking their MM's current marriage lightly. However bad it is, they both did take the vow to be together in a marriage. Who are we to have the right to know what's going on exactly?

 

This mindset helped me a lot to heal and I think by respecting others it helped me to respect myself a lot more too. I cringe just imagining the pain the BS had felt on D-Day. I couldn't before you know? I couldn't feel any sympathy for her. Now I do and it's making me feel "human" again.

 

You are totally taking the right step to start NC. It's gonna be oh so hard, but hang in there please! Think of the bigger picture, of what you want in your life; and that there is definitely someone out there much worthy of your time and love. You are right to anticipate D-Day. It's gonna be so much worse if you let this continue.. So run!! Run far away and find your own happiness. Give yourself time to heal

 

Ps: so sorry for the long post. Too much feels in the middle of the night.

[Josmatjes]

Gone from where?

 

Things aren't easy in the M now, and he ain't gone. He's just in another woman's bed.

 

No, what I meant is that when the affair is easy....as soon as the ow wants more or the wife suspects they will leave the op in the dust

[devastated777]

Thank you m4p. I appreciate you taking the time to tell your story.

It's difficult. No doubt, but I saw the devastation affairs have on a BS because my father did this to my mother a few times. I don't want to ever cause that pain on anyone. Soooo I'm going to try my best to stick to this. I feel that if he loves me like he says, he will help me by honoring NC he says he wants me to find someone too. So, hopefully he will let me go so I can move on.

 

He just sent a request to play a game that we played often. This is first attempt at contact since Friday. I accepted but no communication has been initiated through messages. Ugh. It's tempting but then I ask why? What is the point? Just a waste of my time to give something that's going nowhere my precious time and energy. :-(

[GollumsNightmare]

I just hope he fixes his marriage. I have bowed out. I hope he can continue to leave me alone and give me the chance to find a great man that can give my love and heart to.

 

You just wrote this THIS morning!

 

Now THIS from this afternoon:

 

He just sent a request to play a game that we played often. This is first attempt at contact since Friday. I accepted

 

WTH? :rolleyes:

[devastated777]

Welllll, I accepted requested. I won and no message was exchanged. I didn't restart a new game and his ego wont allow him to again. don't plan on it. Tough ride but I can do it.

[GollumsNightmare]

Its a slippery slope, my friend. Try NC completely. Good luck!!