Transparency

[katielee]

I am not a person who needs privacy. He has access to all my passwords. I do not care if he checks my stuff. While I understand that there is nothing I can do to control his fidelity, I do like reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by staying.

This morning I found out that he changed his password to his LinkedIn account. He did not tell me he was going to do this. I look at it about once a week. In the past, there have been a few fights over who is wanting to add him as a contact and how I think he just shouldn't have an account.

 

He takes it personally that I don't totally trust him yet. I trust that he's not cheating. I do NOT trust that he's going to tell me things I'd want to know. So, he apparently thought enough time has gone by that he's going to force the issue of having privacy, because he's been on his best behavior and deserves it. Why he wants it, I don't know. It's unimportant to me so I don't understand it.

 

What I'm furious about is that he just did this and didn't talk to me about it first.

[toolforgrowth]

I am not a person who needs privacy. He has access to all my passwords. I do not care if he checks my stuff. While I understand that there is nothing I can do to control his fidelity, I do like reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by staying.

This morning I found out that he changed his password to his LinkedIn account. He did not tell me he was going to do this. I look at it about once a week. In the past, there have been a few fights over who is wanting to add him as a contact and how I think he just shouldn't have an account.

 

He takes it personally that I don't totally trust him yet. I trust that he's not cheating. I do NOT trust that he's going to tell me things I'd want to know. So, he apparently thought enough time has gone by that he's going to force the issue of having privacy, because he's been on his best behavior and deserves it. Why he wants it, I don't know. It's unimportant to me so I don't understand it.

 

What I'm furious about is that he just did this and didn't talk to me about it first.

 

I think you have a right to be concerned. He cheated, so as far as I'm concerned, the decision as to whether or not he can have privacy from you is yours, not his. If he's behaving otherwise, I'd seriously reconsider R. For me personally, it'd be an R deal breaker and I'd bail. But that's just me.

 

He's displaying classic wayward behavior right now and is testing your boundaries. You gotta enforce them. If he continues to resist, dump him.

[Clay]

Trust is everything. I can imagine you have already have had the talks with him about it. If he wont work with you on this you might have to make a choice.

 

I tried staying with my xW after she cheated the first couple of times. It just doesn't work out.

 

Or at least it didn't for me.

 

Clay

[katielee]

but should I just decide to trust and not look at his stuff? That's how he works it with me. He knows there is nothing he can do to prevent it so he just doesnt' look at my stuff and hopes for the best.

[understand50]

LinkedIn is a professional/business site. Why he needs privacy there, is a red flag. I would tell him you are not ready for full trust and you need the password. What he does not seem to understand, is that he will always have to be Transparent. I would make an issue of this, and depending on how and why he cheated, I would evaluate if he is, or thinking about, cheating now. Or at the very least, having behaviors that COULD lead to cheating. You may want to ask, "Are you taking the first step, even if you think you are not"?

 

He can not go back to the time before he cheated and broke your trust. Yes you trust him, but there are degrees.

 

Wish you luck

1516

[velvette]

Personally, I think the goal of totally trusting your spouse is overrated.

 

 

Almost anyone can have an affair and we see all the time here people who previously were trustworthy or married to someone who had been trustworthy and then all of a sudden they are not to be trusted.

 

 

So transparency can give you a certain level of trust or peace of mind but its not guarantee.

 

 

The reason for transparency in my view is that is one of the ways to affair proof your M because it reduces the opportunity for cheating.

 

 

All that being said, I will not argue about things like this. If transparency is my requirement, it is non negotiable. My H can agree or not. If he doesn't, I'm out.

[Hardgrind]

Katielee

 

The reality these days are that it is so easy to hide communications that it is almost impossible to catch someone if they put a little effort into hiding it. All it takes is a second phone, a second email address, or an app that allows in game chatting.

 

It sounds like you agree that the issue isn't over his possible cheating but instead an issue of boundaries and agreements. Have you and H discussed this issue and reached an agreement within your marriage about what level of privacy is appropriate?

 

I am a BH who also values my personal privacy so I can see both sides here. Perhaps he feels like he is in a parent-child relationship rather than a partnership at this stage? Is Linkedin important for his profession? How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you find out when his old password no longer worked?

 

I hope you are able to work out an agreement that meets both your needs.

[katielee]

LinkedIn is a professional/business site. Why he needs privacy there, is a red flag. I would tell him you are not ready for full trust and you need the password. What he does not seem to understand, is that he will always have to be Transparent. I would make an issue of this, and depending on how and why he cheated, I would evaluate if he is, or thinking about, cheating now. Or at the very least, having behaviors that COULD lead to cheating. You may want to ask, "Are you taking the first step, even if you think you are not"?

 

He can not go back to the time before he cheated and broke your trust. Yes you trust him, but there are degrees.

 

Wish you luck

1516

 

thanks! It is hard because he started his affairs with women in the business world. However, business things are discussed on there - I've seen his message with other guys. Do I have a right to see business related stuff?

I'm so very tired of all this.

[katielee]

Perhaps he feels like he is in a parent-child relationship rather than a partnership at this stage? Is Linkedin important for his profession? How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you find out when his old password no longer worked?

 

I hope you are able to work out an agreement that meets both your needs.

 

he does think this... LinkedIn - probably kind of important. I don't know. He's supposed to have a more social presence. I found out because I tried to log in and it didn't work. I think we should have talked about it first - that is my REAL issue.

[autumnnight]

He seems to be at a different stage than you. He is okay after your A; you are not yet okay after his. He needs to recognize that and take the steps to help.

[velvette]

he does think this... LinkedIn - probably kind of important. I don't know. He's supposed to have a more social presence. I found out because I tried to log in and it didn't work. I think we should have talked about it first - that is my REAL issue.

 

Did you already have an agreement surround transparency? If so, not sure what there is to talk about other than he broke the agreement.

 

 

Was the agreement not specific enough. Then clarify it.

[understand50]

thanks! It is hard because he started his affairs with women in the business world. However, business things are discussed on there - I've seen his message with other guys. Do I have a right to see business related stuff?

I'm so very tired of all this.

 

Yes you do.

 

LinkedIn is for making contacts, job searching and networking. It is not for his day to day job. I know of no company that allows you to use a personal email system for company business.

 

If he is self employed, I still do not see an issue. You should know what is going on with work.

 

The only exception to you not knowing what is going on at work is:

 

1) He works in the military and or law enforcement, and cannot share secret information.

 

2) He is a member of clergy and is counseling a member of the church in a personal matter of faith. Think catholic church confession. This applies to ALL faiths, by law.

 

3) He is a Lawyer and is communicating with a client on a privileged mater.

 

4) His company has given him information that could be used for insider trading or is a trade secret.

 

None of this would be done via LinkedIn, as it is a public and open system with no expectation of security or privacy.

 

 

 

 

160716331635163716391641

[Mr. Lucky]

how I think he just shouldn't have an account.

 

Is this as simple as a disagreement over this position?

 

Don't agree with the way he's handled it, but in some fields LinkedIn is the modern equivalent of business cards and Lion's Club meetings. Hard to do without...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

Is this as simple as a disagreement over this position?

 

Don't agree with the way he's handled it, but in some fields LinkedIn is the modern equivalent of business cards and Lion's Club meetings. Hard to do without...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

yep he probably has to have it. Yeah me. I hate it that he's "out there." But I suppose that's my insecurity.

[No Limit]

So he's bitching around because you demand transparency? Disrespect -> run run run. Why stay and wait around for him to cheat again?

[autumnnight]

So he's bitching around because you demand transparency? Disrespect -> run run run. Why stay and wait around for him to cheat again?

 

Have you read any of her threads?

[ladydesigner]

(((katielee))) I forget if you have experienced more than one dday?

 

Unfortunately the days of privacy are a thing of the past with waywards. In my case my WH got smarter and used a second phone etc... We are on our last leg here. I'm only trying because WH seems to want R so badly now and has continued to want it and show me since False R was discovered. We shall see though.

 

I personally would not agree that he gets his privacy. If you still feel the need to have passwords there should be nothing there for him to hide or even feel defensive about. Like the others have said LinkedIn is for business networking and there shouldn't be an issue with privacy there.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I got past the whole "checking up on her" thing. These days, it's not about trust. She has 100% autonomy on how she manages her life, her phone, her computer.

 

She will either cheat on me again, or she won't. I'm certainly not going to spend my life trying to prevent it.

 

If her behavior changes, and I feel inclined, I know how to get the info I need. if I even smell a hint of any shenanigans, I'm out. She knows this. She knows the price this time in no uncertain terms. So if she does it again, the decision to split would actually hers this time, more than mine. I would merely be acting on her choice, by packing her bags for her.

 

Let him dig his own hole if that's in fact what he's doing. It will be a lot easier to throw him in it later on if you have to.

[BetrayedH]

Why was the password changed?

[katielee]

I don't know. I'm going to ask him when I get home.

[JohnAdams]

Mrs. JA has all my passwords as I have all of hers. It is not really because we do not trust each other, it is simply that we share all and have no secrets.

 

In regards to Linkedin, we both have an accounts there. For the most part I pay little attention to the site as I am approaching retirement and am not looking for another job or seeking contacts. I have received several unsolicited job offers that I have ignored. But, the one strange thing I did get was an invitation to lunch by a lady who wanted to expand her network. I told Mrs. JA about it, she wanted to write the lady a not too nice note. I just ignored the whole thing. When I told some other professionals about this, they said this was not unusual on Linkedin. So, even though this is a professional networking website, it may be one of the more dangerous sites for hook ups.

[autumnnight]

I don't know. I'm going to ask him when I get home.

 

This is what I would do. I would tell him you tried to log on and couldn't and ask him for the new password. Then I would ask him if you could discuss changing passwords BEFORE it happens in the future. Tell him it will help you to feel secure and safe. You don't have to approach it from a nefarious intent on his part standpoint. But I do think it is important that he know that you NEED to discuss and know about these things ahead of time. Because when you just casually go in not expecting a problem and then you can't get on, it brings back all those fears.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...i dont care what his reason is...it isnt good enough.

 

If he changed his password...and did not disclose it to you....it is not acceptable. Period. You have every right to ask him to close the account...you have every right to be angry. You have every right to be hurt.

 

In my opinion...this was a huge breech of trust.

 

this is not new....You have been traveling this road for a very long time...he knows the rules...he knows the consequences for breaking the rules.

 

You have cut him enough slack.

[Vercetti]

Shouldn't have to police the person you're with. No matter how well think you're looking out...where there is a will there is a way.

[JohnsonBaby]

Sorry but in my opinion your behaviour is controlling and suffucating,you either trust him or you don't ,you can't possibly continue living your life checking what another human being with rights is doing with his OWN time and life .You don't Own him !

,Love is about giving the other person freedom ,whatever he chooses with taht is out of your control . By doing what you doing you ll only push him away .