My Divorce Story: thoughts?

[808JR]

Hello all. Here is my story. Seventeen years ago, I met my wife while working at a local college. My work brought me to her workplace often. Our relationship started just by casually talking to each other. Eventually, I asked her for her number, and she, I and other friends began going to the movies and having dinner as a group. I began to realize that I liked being around her, but discovered that she was in a relationship with another man in our circle of friends. She stayed in a relationship with him for five years. During that time, I took another job, but we stayed in contact as friends. I sent her a christmas card every year. I totally respected her relationship with this other guy and never tried to interfere in any way.

 

5 years later, she called me to tell me that her relationship with this other guy had failed. He got really nasty to her at the end, resulting in police action and court orders to stay away. The call to me was out of the blue, and she asked me to go to lunch with her. A few days later, I asked her if she would give me a chance to see if I could make her happy, and she said yes. We've been together since.

 

I lived with her for 3 years before we married. During that time, I sensed that we were both vey happy. We shared our lives and our love. After 3 years, we got married, and 7 years after that, I thought all was still okay. She repeatedly told me she loved me during that time, and I knew I loved her. Don't get me wrong, our marriage had the normal ups and downs, but there was always strong love between us, or so I thought.

 

Six months ago, my wife came to me on a Sunday afternoon. She started an argument with me, and accused me of having a negative attitude and angry personality. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. While, I used to vent about things, I have never acted out to her, and no matter the issue when we had arguments in the past, I never got mad at her. She also accused me of bullying our nephew, which was so unbelievable to me. At one point, she told me to leave the house, and I initially refused because it was my house too, and I paid bills and contributed to the household. As this argument got a little loud, I left the house to cool off. When I returned a few hours later, she told me she wanted a divorce, gave me back her ring and her bank card to our joint account.

 

I tried for several weeks to talk to her. All the while she refused to talk to me about trying to fix whatever the problems were. Then, one night she left the house abruptly late in the evening. She had never done this before. I asked where she was going, and she told me it was none of my business and not to ask again. She left and didn't return until the wee hours of the morning. Over the course of the next few weeks, she did it again and again. I finally asked if she was seeing someone, and she denied it. During this time, I was in an outright panic. It opulent eat, sleep or work. Watching her leave was devastating, I finally had to move out to keep my sanity. I didn't have a place to stay, so I stayed at my mom's place or lived out of my vehicle. My wife asked me to sign uncontested papers. I signed because I wanted her to be happy, even though I was sacrificing my own happiness. Just before Christmas, she filed, and it became final in February.

 

Because I loved my wife, I continued to pay out joint cell phone bill. Knowing how much she made, and realizing it would be difficult, I also paid her electricity bill too. Shortly before Christmas, she told me that she was seeing someone. I already knew that because of her actions.

 

Today, I remain devastated. I love my wife, even though she may not love me anymore. Her family still contacts me, and I see her when I go to the Doctor because she works there. When I do get to talk to her, I always hug her and wish her well. Her family still calls me and invite me to dinners. She never goes, and it seems she may have reduced her contact with them.

 

As I love my ex wife, I could never wish anything bad on her. I just want her to be happy and live life as best as possible. Unfortunately, I can't seem to let go. She was my world, my heart and my soul. I have loss weight from not eating, my mind often wanders at work where I am in a job that requires mental alertness. I often lie awake at night wondering what she is doing, if she is okay and whether her current man is treating her good.

 

I don't know what to do with myself nowadays. Everything reminds me of her. The places we used to go to together, the things we used to do. It's a small island, and reminders are everywhere, and I've actually seen her around with the new guy. I don't know what to do. I've been to counseling, it helped. Eventually, the counselor indicated that time will heal me. Six months later and it still seems like yesterday.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then, one night she left the house abruptly late in the evening. She had never done this before. I asked where she was going, and she told me it was none of my business and not to ask again. She left and didn't return until the wee hours of the morning. Over the course of the next few weeks, she did it again and again. I finally asked if she was seeing someone, and she denied it. During this time, I was in an outright panic. It opulent eat, sleep or work. Watching her leave was devastating, I finally had to move out to keep my sanity. I didn't have a place to stay, so I stayed at my mom's place or lived out of my vehicle. My wife asked me to sign uncontested papers. I signed because I wanted her to be happy, even though I was sacrificing my own happiness. Just before Christmas, she filed, and it became final in February.

 

While no one's life should be consumed with bitterness and resentment, I think there's times when a little righteous anger is a healthy thing.

 

Let's get real - while married to you, you wife cheated on your marriage and began seeing - and sleeping with - someone else. She showed zero regard or consideration for your feelings by not giving you any opportunity to address problems real or perceived that existed in the relationship. This started a chain of events that affected your health and left you living in your car.

 

He got really nasty to her at the end, resulting in police action and court orders to stay away.

 

I wonder how real his nastiness was? You've seen how she treats people she supposedly loves, perhaps the RO just a convenient means to her planned end?

 

You need to see her for what she is. At worst, a deceptive and manipulative liar. At best, not a healthy partner capable of sustaining a relationship.

 

In short, she's not worthy of the emotional energy you continue to invest in her. Wake up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[808JR]

Some additional info: I had 3 jobs. I worked these jobs to help us pay bills and to save money to go on vacation together. I also used those funds from the other jobs to give her spending money and to buy us the things we wanted or needed. I was at work, when contact with the other guy began.

 

Mr Lucky, thanks for the reply. The previous boyfriend's nastiness was real. He harassed her constantly. I think I may have been my wife's white knight at that time. Maybe she didn't expect that her contact with me was going to culminate in a 10 year relationship. I just know that I loved her and she did at one time loved me. Thanks for your comments.

[KBarletta]

Mr. Lucky is correct - she is not worth your time, and the sooner you convince yourself of that fact, the quicker you will be able to move on and live a happier life.

 

My story is not all that different from yours. My wife left six months ago, out of the blue, with no discussion and no opportunity to address our problems.

 

Though I have no hard evidence of it, I believe in my heart that she was/is with someone else. I choose not to focus on that fact and have instead (for the most part) tried to move on, attempted to build a new life on my own and focus on my own well-being and that of my daughter.

 

Do you have children? If so, I would focus on spending time with them and doing all you can to get yourself and them through this time together.

 

If not, then I would get out of your comfort zone and start remaking your life and yourself. If you have no children, then you have no reason to remain in contact with your ex. I would stop paying her bills, stop talking to her altogether and start to detach from the idea that she's your "life." You have a new best friend, and that is YOU.

 

If there are reminders of her everywhere, start ridding yourself of them. Pictures/momentos? Box them up and pack them away. Find a new place to live, new furniture, new surroundings, a new neighborhood. Start to make new memories.

 

And remake yourself. Make a list of all the things you have always wanted to do. Start doing it. Take up new hobbies. Play an instrument. Join a club. Take a trip. Make new friends. Your life is what is ahead of you, not what's behind you. Focus on that, not on what you have lost.

 

 

KTB

[808JR]

Thank you for your reply. Your advice is well taken..

[Esraem]

You will find many of us are in the same situation. Out of the blue and normally with some infidelity thrown in, either Physical or Emotional. It will take time, but the feeling start to lessen the longer it goes.

 

Also remember everyone grieves at their own pace. I would take that money you were making for her and the vacation and take a trip. Ask a buddy, etc.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Hey Buddy,

 

Welcome to the club. You have entered a club of guys who will come out stronger on the other side. This situation is devastating and the fact that you run into them will bring the strongest man to their knees. So if you know that you are going to run into them have a plan. When this first started I would purposely try to see my wife and her new guy so I could get use to it. The other thing is the images you get in your head of her and him. When they come make the image smaller in your head and mentally throw it away. Don't give it any life.

Everyone on here is right you need to type somewhere in your phone or in a journal everything that your wife has done since this started and look a it when you start to get mushy. She is not worth it anymore the person that you knew is dead. She has become someone else that you really dont want to be associated with anymore. You have to tell yourself that now. Every day I tell myself "I love myself, I love my kids, I love the new future I am creating for myself that does include liars and cheaters, but Caren I don't love you anymore. Each time I say that and see who she is now its hurts a little less each day and I get stronger. Be brutally real with yourself about that and you will be better then ever sooner then you think.

To Everyone that is on here dealing with this remember someone believe it or not is looking out for us because we could be finding out about this 5 - 10 years from now and maybe its worse. This is a blessing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some additional info: I had 3 jobs. I worked these jobs to help us pay bills and to save money to go on vacation together. I also used those funds from the other jobs to give her spending money and to buy us the things we wanted or needed. I was at work, when contact with the other guy began.

 

As one wag said, "no good deed goes unpunished".

 

808JR, I'm going to guess you weren't a perfect husband. But you were in the same marriage as her - did you cheat? Bail without explanation? Lie about your actions and motives?

 

No need to hate her, just understand who and what she is. Let her accept the consequences of the way she's acted and the things she's done, you do the same. And if you want to get even - live well from this day forward, truly the best revenge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

808JR,

Six months is not a long time to come to terms with the ending of our big dream of love ever-lasting, growing old together, etc.

 

There is nothing unusual or startling in your experience. It is, more or less, how my own divorce happened...and I initiated the proceedings. After a decade and a half, I still have good relationships with my (former) in-laws...and with my ex, himself. We hug each other, and wish each other well.

 

Your counselor's perception is both true and false...time will HELP with healing, but healing will not happen without your own conscious acceptance that the way things were is in the past, is over.

 

If someone would have told me that sooner, and asked me, "How do you want the REST of your life to look?" then my healing may have come sooner. As it was, I spent a lot of time looking backwards, without really understanding that it was well and truly over, and I needed to forge my future life based on "something out of nothing" -- I did not have anything from my "married life", to bring forward with me. I had personal strength, courage, family, friends, etc., etc. -- but NOTHING that also included my ex or my in-laws.

 

How do you want the rest of your life to look? Knowing, now, the resources that you do and do NOT have, at your disposal. (For good or for bad, you must create your vision from this point of view.)

 

Big hugs and best of luck. I do know, from personal experience, how much it sucks and how difficult it is.