Contemplating contact 3 years later

[FallingLeaves]

Hey LS!

 

*Obligatory names have been changed comment*

 

So, a little bit over 3 years ago (Jan 2012) I broke it off with a man (Joe) I had been seeing for 3 years. It turned into a friends with benefits arrangement until that summer, when I met someone else (Matt) and decided to say yes when they asked to try dating me.

 

Joe and I had a severely toxic relationship, and he neglected me and left me with a lot of mental scars. I met him when I was underage (16) and he was not (23). I came from a bad home, and I really attached to Joe, and when he promised to be family and always be there for me, I completely believed him.

 

When I started dating Matt, Joe turned tail and ran straight out of my life. While I do understand he was upset I decided to date someone new, we had been broken up for months at that point, and I had watched as he hit on new people. Similarly, before Matt I had also met other people and even went on a few brief dates, but nothing stuck.

 

So, when I did go with someone new, this wasn't a complete shock. I had given Joe multiple opportunities to work on the issues we had to possibly date again, but he never took initiative. I took that to mean he wasn't interested in a relationship, and friendship was our thing.

 

Now I'm stuck slowly rebuilding myself, and recently I have really been struggling with how Joe broke my trust. He took me, as a young person from a bad situation, and promised to be there and be my family. I see now that he lied. I'm struggling to be able to trust people again, and I still see Joe as family, and still worry for him and care for him.

 

So the reason I'm writing is to get advice on how to best approach this? I am debating reaching out to Joe so I can tell him that he hurt me. I feel it would help if I could express this pain to the person who hurt me. On that same note, I don't have any experience here, so this could be the entirely wrong approach.

 

Any insight?

[Mrlonelyone]

You could write a letter stating he hurt you and leave it at that.

[FallingLeaves]

You could write a letter stating he hurt you and leave it at that.

I have definitely considered that, and think I may write one out, but I'm unsure if sending it is a good idea, or if I should let it go after getting it out on paper.

 

I'm more on the fence of if contact is appropriate or a good idea for me. Like, if any good could come of contact, or if I am better seeking my own peace away from him.

[erklat]

Three years is a long time. You shouldn't disturb his life. He can't validate you. Only you

can validate you.

 

Grand gestures are never a good idea.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Are you looking to reconcile or just to contact and tell him you are hurt? If you just want to tell him how much he hurt you, don't bother. You dumped him, I imagine you hurt him just as much or more.

 

You should not have expected him to pursue you further than friendship either. You dumped him, he probably thought that friendship was the limit at that point. If you are looking to reconcile then sure, contact him. But he may not desire a relationship with you at this point, so prepare yourself for potentially getting shot down.

[FallingLeaves]

Are you looking to reconcile or just to contact and tell him you are hurt? If you just want to tell him how much he hurt you, don't bother. You dumped him, I imagine you hurt him just as much or more.

 

You should not have expected him to pursue you further than friendship either. You dumped him, he probably thought that friendship was the limit at that point. If you are looking to reconcile then sure, contact him. But he may not desire a relationship with you at this point, so prepare yourself for potentially getting shot down.

 

I keep trying to type out a response to this that isn't rambling- it's a challenge. I need to be clear with my words, but I also feel conflict over this right now, so clarity isn't my strong point. I apologize for the length in advance.

 

Ok.

The goal I want to get to is that I want to be able to resolve the pain I feel. The root of it comes from Joe's broken promise around being family to me. I want to believe he was being truthful, and actually wants to be in my life. (So, I am not looking to romantically reconcile, but I am looking for a reconciliation of sorts?)

The issue I am now confronting is that:

1. There is a 99% chance he was lieing to me, and was just saying it to get me to stick around, or to get me to deal with his problems for him

 

2. As I finally review the relationship...I'm forced to review Joe's character. I put him on a pedestal, and it's hard for me to accept he was actually a terrible partner to me. As a teen, I made him into a white knight, but as an adult, I see him for who he is, and that person is remarkably different.

 

It's been difficult for me, because I don't want to see him as a bad person. I want to be there and help him through life, because I really do see him as a brother, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that I'll never get to hear about his life. It's also hard coming to grips with the fact that I was emotionally manipulated by the only person I was able to fully trust after being rejected by my blood family.

 

 

 

The relationship started out good (as I would imagine most do!), but quickly went south about 6-12-ish months in. However, by then I had already come to see Joe as family because of the way he talked to me. I believed in him, and though the R wasn't perfect, it still felt like the closest thing to someone who cared in my world.

 

Joe realized the power he had over me- I clung tight to the idea of finally having family, and as a result would do anything to avoid losing him. He then believed he could 'stop trying' and would never have to put effort in, and slowly this turned into him putting me down and increasingly treating me badly. It reached such an breaking point that I had friends who intervened and would ask me to consider leaving. I would ask for him to spend time with me or to go out on a date, and he would respond in a hostile way. When I finally broke and couldn't take it, I always articulated to him that I wanted a relationship, and wanted to work on it and be with him. That I wanted to be there for him, but I just simply couldn't take what he was dishing out. Unfortunately, because I always made myself available, he saw no big change between us, and just shrugged his shoulders at the whole thing.

 

When I started dating Matt I pushed everything with Joe to the back of my mind. During that time, I just wasn't ready to process anything. Instead, I spent the last few years working on myself, creating self esteem, and pushing myself to be better. It's only been very recently that I have reached a point where I am ready to grapple with all of this.

 

So, while I think it must look...silly to be years on now and me just dealing with this, but it feels very fresh to me.

 

 

Also, I do believe that when I did move to dating Matt, Joe did then feel my loss. I wouldn't want to minimize any of his pain. I think he did care for me a great deal, but ...just never enough to actually do anything. Instead he just left and instantly found new people to fill his needs. And this isn't to say he didn't have high points- every so often, he would try to be affectionate and show love, and he made time to at least text or talk to me every day. But, overall, I respectfully disagree that I could have done damage to him in a greater amount than the pile of rubble he left me in.

 

I feel like the answer is to move on and write him off, but this pain is incredibly heavy to hold, and I really deeply need support. I so badly want to believe he's family, but the heavy truth is he probably isn't. I just feel like he took everything I had to give, and then crumpled me up and left the mess for someone else. I've done a lot of personal growth to gain confidence and become stronger, but this is something that still rips me back down to feeling like a small child. I need help getting around this.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Don't contact him.

 

Everything you've described is something you have to overcome, nobody else is going to relieve you of it. I think his promises to you were true, at the time, but people change and the dynamic of your relationship drastically changed when you broke up. It sounds like you've analyzed the situation and how you feel fairly deeply which is good. You just need to draw conclusions on your own, put yourself in his situation during the relationship and cross reference that with how you felt. Also, understand that some questions won't have an answer and come to terms with never knowing what truly happened.

[ToOldForThis]

Are you still with Matt, or did you recently break up?

[FallingLeaves]

Don't contact him.

 

Everything you've described is something you have to overcome, nobody else is going to relieve you of it. I think his promises to you were true, at the time, but people change and the dynamic of your relationship drastically changed when you broke up. It sounds like you've analyzed the situation and how you feel fairly deeply which is good. You just need to draw conclusions on your own, put yourself in his situation during the relationship and cross reference that with how you felt. Also, understand that some questions won't have an answer and come to terms with never knowing what truly happened.

 

Thank you for the direct answer. It's hard to have someone independently confirm that I need to just deal and move on, but I just have to do it.

 

I will try writing out things from his perspective today and thinking over how the relationship dynamics changed over time. I think it will probably help as I have never tried deeply thinking over every crack from his angle.

 

Can you suggest any other self-help or healing methods? Also I will probably open a new thread in coping then...seeing as contact is off the table now, this no longer feels like I have a second chance. I feel like I'm going through a grieving cycle with this. I think I am moving through a bargaining stage...like "If I just do 'X' Joe will want to be friends and suddenly decide to be family again." I have enough self awareness to notice this, but no where near enough to get over it yet.

 

Also it makes me really upset and even angry to think he would say such heavy words with such carelessness. I think you are right, and that he did believe his words when he spoke them. It just messes with my head to think he wouldn't think more carefully before making such deep promises to someone who could get deeply wounded by it.

 

Are you still with Matt, or did you recently break up?

I dated Matt briefly that summer, then was single and met my current partner a few months later. I am grateful to have my partner, as he has been very encouraging of my growth and understanding of my pain, even if it means I'm crying about Joe.

 

The reason I am now reviewing this is because I have finally gotten to a point where I can deal with this pain and work through it. I have made a point to grow and become a better person, so I have been spending time actively improving myself and slowly working through the past. I was busy working through family issues and self image, and now that I have a handle on that, it was appropriate to deal with things around Joe. (Especially considering the impact he had on my self esteem and trust.)

 

Would you have any advice for self-help with processing this?

[Ruby65]

It's human nature to seek out a new relationship as soon as an old one ends -- also known as rebounding.

 

It sounds like that's what happened when you went from Joe to Matt... but now that you're done with Matt, you've got the natural grieving process you never experienced from your breakup with Joe coming at you, like it or not.

 

It's much healthier if you can take time between relationships to grieve and heal before starting a new one -- I think what you're experiencing right now is the fallout of not having adequately done that!

 

It's okay, it's healthy to do a relationship autopsy and also process the denial/bargaining/anger/sadness stages you never got to process at the time. It won't last forever.

 

Facts are facts: Joe's not your family and he doesn't owe you unconditional love or loyalty, regardless of what he may have said when you were together. He's not your friend, either: he's an ex-boyfriend and that's a whole other kettle of fish. Leave him in the past where he belongs.

 

The older you get, the more past relationships you'll have and it won't seem so strange to just leave them in the rearview mirror be as you continue moving on in life.

 

Breakups play into our pre-existing abandonment issues, which it sounds like you've got in spades thanks to your emotionally unavailable family. A good book about that is called "From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It's on Amazon.

 

Good luck to you!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I agree with Ruby, I can't recommend the book because I haven't read it.

 

 

As for self-help advice, I suggest reading other peoples stories and what they've done to cope. Personally, I aimed at providing my body with the chemicals that make up love in a natural way. Working out, challenging my mind, ect.. and treating my sorrow like an addiction. Eating healthy and working out was probably the best method because pushing your body releases a multitude of chemicals associated with love and makes you feel good. Seeing your body transform boosts your confidence and self worth. I also learned a little bit about meditation to deal with anxiety and the depression a breakup causes. But everyone is different, so the best advice I can give is to try new things and see what works best for you.

 

 

And lastly, I don't think he was careless in his promise. He probably wanted to be with you forever and making that promise was his way of communicating that with you. Making future plans is part of a relationship. I don't think you would have been happy if he made a remark like "You will be family until we breakup." That doesn't provide confidence in the relationship lasting for either party.