RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My x(?)MM did this often. I think it got to me more than anything else. Did/does yours? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 When I was a MOW yes it absolutely got to me. It's very crazy making! I have issues with rejection so it really played into that bigtime with me. My rejection issues stem from childhood as my father was very cold and I always sought his approval. My A relationship with xOM played out very much the same in which he rejected me over and over by the "push" and would "pull" me back in and I would get that validation again. Edited to add: The reason I think they do it is because of the confusion on their part of the A. MM feel guilty etc, my xOM had a gf and felt guilty so would often pull back when he was with her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Don't know this from my mm. He might not communicate as much when he's with family, but he'll strill try to keep in touch. Sometimes he gets quiet (he calls it disappointment), when something between us doesn't work out the way he wants to (eg me having to cancel plans). But that never lasts long, and other than that, he never seems to be pulling back. Link to post Share on other sites
goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 He only started playing hot/cold when he started lying to me so I wouldn't know he was getting back with his wife. A**hole. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 When I was a MOW yes it absolutely got to me. It's very crazy making! I have issues with rejection so it really played into that bigtime with me. My rejection issues stem from childhood as my father was very cold and I always sought his approval. My A relationship with xOM played out very much the same in which he rejected me over and over by the "push" and would "pull" me back in and I would get that validation again. Edited to add: The reason I think they do it is because of the confusion on their part of the A. MM feel guilty etc, my xOM had a gf and felt guilty so would often pull back when he was with her. I could have wrote this word for word from my experience too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 I could have wrote this word for word from my experience too. Me too. It's almost textbook. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devastated777 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes! I have never thought about that! I have had quite an eye opening day reading this stuff. geez, its a wonder I even make it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Why are you still writing the (?) after the x? You know you can decide that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Why are you still writing the (?) after the x? You know you can decide that. Because he ended it, but I didn't want him to. I feel like I can't truly claim x until he tries to come back, which I have a feeling he will, and I put the kibosh on it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 They are alllll liars!! They are lying to their wives so they will lie to you, just a matter of time. And push pull game is them just playing around and they get off on that power! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 My x(?)MM did this often. I think it got to me more than anything else. Did/does yours? Why? Yepp. This is standard behavior in many dysfunctional relationships. If you're living a double life and riddled with guilt or having to secretly juggle two women then it's bound to happen that you withdraw sometimes, then come back hot and heavy, then you disappear, and the cycle repeats. This will make you crazy and ultimately resentful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 They are alllll liars!! They are lying to their wives so they will lie to you, just a matter of time. And push pull game is them just playing around and they get off on that power! I know it's a common phrase, "Oh, he may lie to his W, but he doesn't to me!" but... I really think that's true with this one. He's told me things that should have made me run the other direction before it ever became a PA, and there have been too many times since where I stuck my fingers in my ears and went lalalalalalalala... That alone tells me everything I need to know, that this isn't and could never go where I wish it would. I'm an escape, as he's said many, many times. I just wish it were different. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I know it's a common phrase, "Oh, he may lie to his W, but he doesn't to me!" but... I really think that's true with this one. He's told me things that should have made me run the other direction before it ever became a PA, and there have been too many times since where I stuck my fingers in my ears and went lalalalalalalala... That alone tells me everything I need to know, that this isn't and could never go where I wish it would. I'm an escape, as he's said many, many times. I just wish it were different. Ok..l. My mm and I saw each other up to 4 times a week....we spent whole days together whenever possible, we knew each others schedules and we would show up where the other was. We went skiing, on picnics, to the movies, he bought me numerous gifts and spent thousands on me.... He got a huge tatoo on his arm for us! We were completely in love and now 1 year after dday and he lies to me a lot, swears he doesn't but actions speak louder than words. Where is he now? I'm not convenient for him anymore and guess what.... His wife started sleeping w him again! I was and to a degree still am heartbroken to be treated this way. Trust me when I say that the minute it's not easy for them they leave skid marks... And do not tell me your guy is different! I WAS you a year ago! Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I know it's a common phrase, "Oh, he may lie to his W, but he doesn't to me!" but... I really think that's true with this one. He's told me things that should have made me run the other direction before it ever became a PA, and there have been too many times since where I stuck my fingers in my ears and went lalalalalalalala... That alone tells me everything I need to know, that this isn't and could never go where I wish it would. I'm an escape, as he's said many, many times. I just wish it were different. Naaah. They just do that to make you feel "special"... as though your are their great confidant. Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Naaah. They just do that to make you feel "special"... as though your are their great confidant. Poppy Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Ok..l. My mm and I saw each other up to 4 times a week....we spent whole days together whenever possible, we knew each others schedules and we would show up where the other was. We went skiing, on picnics, to the movies, he bought me numerous gifts and spent thousands on me.... He got a huge tatoo on his arm for us! We were completely in love and now 1 year after dday and he lies to me a lot, swears he doesn't but actions speak louder than words. Where is he now? I'm not convenient for him anymore and guess what.... His wife started sleeping w him again! I was and to a degree still am heartbroken to be treated this way. Trust me when I say that the minute it's not easy for them they leave skid marks... And do not tell me your guy is different! I WAS you a year ago! Unfortunately for me and my dumb ass, yeah, he's different. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 he used to pull away when he was getting too close emotionally. He'd just pull away with no explanation, then I'd either have to call him on it or just make an excuse for it. The cycle would continue. This behavior led me to end it. Then we started it again and he couldn't handle it and he pulled away and ended it for good. I finally got a half assed explanation about him having feelings for me the night he ended it. I say half assed because I'll never know if it was for real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. gag. Does this guy have no boundaries? And where are yours? I'm my MM said these things to me I'd be gone so quick his head would spin. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. He probably isn't lying about that. He is choosing to feed you those truths. It's manipulative. I also was convinced ex-MM didn't lie to me because wow, look at all the stuff he said to me that he knew I wouldn't like! So everything that comes out of his mouth directed at me must be the golden truth, right? Joke. He lied to me to control me. He lied to me the same as he lied to his wife. He just was selective about what he chose to lie about. MUCH harder to detect that way. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. Well...that's honest. It's also a sadistic and pretty callous. Did he think you really wanted to hear that stuff? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 My x(?)MM did this often. I think it got to me more than anything else. Did/does yours? Why? This was not really an issue. He would go dark when he was with his family, and that really bugged me, though it at least was predictable. He was very consistent and always followed through. He rarely cancelled. There were two occasions when he woke up in the morning and felt a little guilty about how intimate we had been the night before. (Once he said that his feelings for me were eclipsing his feelings for his wife, and he felt that wasn't fair to her.) He would be a little bit cool, but nothing dramatic. His compartments would be harder to maintain on those mornings and so he would withdraw a little, for an hour or two. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Unfortunately for me and my dumb ass, yeah, he's different. You know I noticed on some other thread that you gave great advice. So let's say he is honest...he is still married and it just can't end well. I do think he may be a bit honest, I think my xmm was honest with me for the most part...until he wasn't. And there will come a day when he isn't honest, that's all I meant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 My x(?)MM did this often. I think it got to me more than anything else. Did/does yours? Why? Yep, mine does. I'm over it. I need something more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. Okay maybe he isn't lying yet because you don't seem to have any boundaries or standards where he is concerned. Most women, even women who are mistresses to MM, would not accept what he has said above. Most OW want to hear that their MM and BW live as roommates, that they don't have sex and that marriage is all but over, all except for the getting separated and divorced part. That you still have sex with him even after hearing those things indicates to the MM that you lack self respect and self worth and that there is nothing he could say that would turn you off. However if you ever start pulling away from him or making demands then the lying will begin for real. Right now he doesn't have to lie because you don't seem to care how badly he disrespecting you and using you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 It's useful for them when they pull back. Puts the OW in a certain place - so she doesn't expect too much. Makes her mad at first but then she's happy when he throws a few crumbs out there again. Then she likes it and wants more crumbs and he knows he can't do "that much" without getting caught - so it's easier to pull back again. Wash, rinse, repeat... It has it's purpose that suits him well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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