Mount Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 But sometimes I do believe it is because MM is confused himself as well. It is like MM had tried to walk out wife 4 times, declared he wanted to divorce to wife and informed whole family/relatives including children, stayed with OW for a while then walked back to wife again. At that moment before MM walked out of wife I believe he was truly devoted himself to OW as he had contributed 100% of himself including financially to OW. So back to the topic of the subject, if from MM's wife standing point, she is also enduring the hot and cold situation, as she had been receiving the notification that her husband was leaving her then came back later. Again and again., repeatly many times. So it is confusing everybody I guess. It's useful for them when they pull back. Puts the OW in a certain place - so she doesn't expect too much. Makes her mad at first but then she's happy when he throws a few crumbs out there again. Then she likes it and wants more crumbs and he knows he can't do "that much" without getting caught - so it's easier to pull back again. Wash, rinse, repeat... It has it's purpose that suits him well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 xMM never did the push/pull thing with me at all. We met every single weekday for 2 years and he never missed a single night of going to sleep without saying goodnight to me (well except for D-day lol). No passive aggressive powerplay or weird dynamics going on too. Maybe we were being incredibly naive or childish but it was like a relationship where we pretended we were not in an A. Threw ourselves wholeheartedly inside while blocking out the consequences of being found out. How silly. In retrospect I think I did more of the hot/cold thing when I get bouts of negativity thinking of the fact that he's married and everything we have is just an illusion. With regards to xMM lying.. No idea how to know if whatever he fed me is the truth or not. He never gave me any sob story about his marriage, and I didn't wanna know if I helped to kickstart their sex life again. One thing I felt genuine is the rare time that I do ask questions, he answers them truthfully. There might be some slight hesitation sometimes but that's when hard truths comes out. (Eg. Are they trying for kids...etc) No future faking so I guess I am glad for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 gag. Does this guy have no boundaries? And where are yours? I'm my MM said these things to me I'd be gone so quick his head would spin. This is the kind of stuff he told me during the EA. And I moved forward into PA land anyway. I know, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Well...that's honest. It's also a sadistic and pretty callous. Did he think you really wanted to hear that stuff? Sometimes my response was, "Lalalalalalala!" Other times it was, "well, good for you!" and then silence. Sometimes similar things come out, still. Other times, he catches himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 This was not really an issue. He would go dark when he was with his family, and that really bugged me, though it at least was predictable. He was very consistent and always followed through. He rarely cancelled. There were two occasions when he woke up in the morning and felt a little guilty about how intimate we had been the night before. (Once he said that his feelings for me were eclipsing his feelings for his wife, and he felt that wasn't fair to her.) He would be a little bit cool, but nothing dramatic. His compartments would be harder to maintain on those mornings and so he would withdraw a little, for an hour or two. I suppose I could view his hot-colds the same way as yours. And he said the same thing to me when he ended it last week... except not that it wasn't fair to her, but that it was making it difficult for him to want to work on the marriage, but he truly does wants to make it work, so he has to not let those feelings develop. He's even withdraw/go cool after intimate conversations, not even anything physical. It was strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Okay maybe he isn't lying yet because you don't seem to have any boundaries or standards where he is concerned. Most women, even women who are mistresses to MM, would not accept what he has said above. Most OW want to hear that their MM and BW live as roommates, that they don't have sex and that marriage is all but over, all except for the getting separated and divorced part. That you still have sex with him even after hearing those things indicates to the MM that you lack self respect and self worth and that there is nothing he could say that would turn you off. However if you ever start pulling away from him or making demands then the lying will begin for real. Right now he doesn't have to lie because you don't seem to care how badly he disrespecting you and using you. You're probably right about the bolded. As for the last sentence, I don't think he sees himself as disrespecting or using me. That's what I struggle with. He saw us as really good friends who were using each other to get our needs met. But I definitely didn't do a good job of teaching him how to treat me, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 One thing I felt genuine is the rare time that I do ask questions, he answers them truthfully. There might be some slight hesitation sometimes but that's when hard truths comes out. (Eg. Are they trying for kids...etc) No future faking so I guess I am glad for it. I've got that going for me too... Or maybe not. It was, "My 'situation' won't be changing anytime soon, but who knows what the future holds, I haven't figured it all out yet." Blah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 he used to pull away when he was getting too close emotionally. He'd just pull away with no explanation, then I'd either have to call him on it or just make an excuse for it. The cycle would continue. This behavior led me to end it. Then we started it again and he couldn't handle it and he pulled away and ended it for good. I finally got a half assed explanation about him having feelings for me the night he ended it. I say half assed because I'll never know if it was for real. Would he actually tell you it was because he was getting too close emotionally? Mine said his feelings for me were making it difficult for him to be with his wife, that the double-life guilt was killing him. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Would he actually tell you it was because he was getting too close emotionally? Not the first few times. For the final act, he did. He said that was why he always pulled away. But instead of having that conversation with me every time it happened, he would just ignore me instead (we work together) Awesome, right? He finally ended it because he couldn't get any closer to me. It would've destroyed everything. And I know he's right. We both have careers and marriages, no matter what the state of those marriages are, and most importantly, his kids (huge emphasis on that) But really, at 40-something years old, time to stop being a conflict avoider. Man up and speak up. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Not the first few times. For the final act, he did. He said that was why he always pulled away. But instead of having that conversation with me every time it happened, he would just ignore me instead (we work together) Awesome, right? He finally ended it because he couldn't get any closer to me. It would've destroyed everything. And I know he's right. We both have careers and marriages, no matter what the state of those marriages are, and most importantly, his kids (huge emphasis on that) But really, at 40-something years old, time to stop being a conflict avoider. Man up and speak up. I work with mine too, and he can't avoid me. We had some exchanges this past week that were for the most part just work-related. He'd start turning the convo towards "us" and then quickly retreat. Left me curious, but I'm glad he didn't go there. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Push pull behaviour of the MM. He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant..." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Push pull behaviour of the MM. He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant..." Haha! Something that seems so complicated is actually so simple... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I work with mine too, and he can't avoid me. We had some exchanges this past week that were for the most part just work-related. He'd start turning the convo towards "us" and then quickly retreat. Left me curious, but I'm glad he didn't go there. I had to actually speak to xMM for the first time in 3 months the other day. Several times, on the phone. No conference calls, no one else listening. It was terrible. He got hung up on after the 4th call. He tried to keep his voice all false cheery and crap but I was not having it. At least he kept it to work related things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Push pull behaviour of the MM. He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant..." Yes, this is what sums it up exactly . My MM was always and forever doing the push/ pull game. And like Elaine said: He gets horny, starts contacting and love bombing you, it ends up with getting psychical and then he feels guilty again and disappears. So hurtful!! I met him 7 years ago (neighbor) and pretty soon I started to try and say no to him, that I couldn't handle it (the push/pull AND being intimate with him while knowing that he's not mine).. but he always knew how to lure me back again. After years, I finally succeeded in sticking to 'no more sex' but ever since he has been putting lots of pressure on me whenever I would see him/ speak to him while at the same time trying to get me back by using his love bombing tactics. And if that doesn't work, he'll try to manipulate me by saying how disappointed he is in me or mostly simply giving me silent treatment. Thing is , and I really don't understand this, he always felt guilty after sex, but seemed to forget that feeling?????? I certainly didn't forget any bad feelings, never have and never will. And he even has the nerve to get mad at me for reminding him that he 'will feel guilty' 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I had to actually speak to xMM for the first time in 3 months the other day. Several times, on the phone. No conference calls, no one else listening. It was terrible. He got hung up on after the 4th call. He tried to keep his voice all false cheery and crap but I was not having it. At least he kept it to work related things. Oh the false cheeriness and crap... I know what you mean!! I could always tell when my MM did this too. Mostly after sex (when he felt uncomfortable) and in the days after sex (again: feeling uncomfortable) ... His laughs would sound so different and odd, overly loud and overly... overly everything! Even his mannerisms and facial expressions would be so fake cheery and weird Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Thing is , and I really don't understand this, he always felt guilty after sex, but seemed to forget that feeling?????? I never understood it either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh the false cheeriness and crap... I know what you mean!! I could always tell when my MM did this too. Mostly after sex (when he felt uncomfortable) and in the days after sex (again: feeling uncomfortable) ... His laughs would sound so different and odd, overly loud and overly... overly everything! Even his mannerisms and facial expressions would be so fake cheery and weird Mine didn't do that; he'd get... almost visibly nervous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Mine didn't do that; he'd get... almost visibly nervous. Oh yes that too.. mine got visibly nervous too and part of me could see it in his overly fake behavior, but then at the same time it was also obvious that he was nervous because he started smoking like crazy AND he would try to get rid of me as soon as possible (if I was at his place) or he would leave asap, looking all nervous, wanting to go home again (if he was at my place) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Hot cold push pull? No, MM is never like this. He is very consistent with me. He would fall out of communication every once in a while, when doing things with wife and/or family but that was rare. I am more hot cold push pull than he is. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Example: "We're (he and his W) planning a vacation to get away together, just the two of us, to work on things. I'm looking forward to it." "She finally started giving me blow jobs again! Yessss!" Yeah, trust me. Dude ain't lying. My xmm would always do stuff like this. Talk about his wife like " We this, we that" , Go into deal about their pathetic sex lives..... pretty much act to act, what position, etc. Lights always on, she was always wearing an oversized shirt, things she would/wouldn't do, like i said, every detail. And he would always ask me when the last time H and I had sex and he would always say he was so happy for us when we would have sex. Who the hell talks like this? Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Not the first few times. For the final act, he did. He said that was why he always pulled away. But instead of having that conversation with me every time it happened, he would just ignore me instead (we work together) Awesome, right? He finally ended it because he couldn't get any closer to me. It would've destroyed everything. And I know he's right. We both have careers and marriages, no matter what the state of those marriages are, and most importantly, his kids (huge emphasis on that) But really, at 40-something years old, time to stop being a conflict avoider. Man up and speak up. Same here. My xmm finally told me a few weeks ago thats why he stopped becoming physical with me. Because things got too intense and emotional and he got scared and felt too guilty. So, for almost a year, he played the push/pull hot/cold game. Each time I thought it was me not being good enough. If he wouldve just manned up and told me his feelings of guilt, , I wouldn't have spent a year destroying my own self esteem for this prick. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Same here. My xmm finally told me a few weeks ago thats why he stopped becoming physical with me. Because things got too intense and emotional and he got scared and felt too guilty. So, for almost a year, he played the push/pull hot/cold game. Each time I thought it was me not being good enough. If he wouldve just manned up and told me his feelings of guilt, , I wouldn't have spent a year destroying my own self esteem for this prick. Meh. Mine has articulated that as his reason, and it still destroys your self-esteem. Your heart thinks, "If I was good enough, he wouldn't feel guilty." Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) [QUOTle;6313737]Meh. Mine has articulated that as his reason, and it still destroys your self-esteem. Your heart thinks, "If I was good enough, he wouldn't feel guilty." Yes, exactly! ! Either way they make us feel like crap. Edited May 9, 2015 by nikki76 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Hot cold push pull? No, MM is never like this. He is very consistent with me. He would fall out of communication every once in a while, when doing things with wife and/or family but that was rare. I am more hot cold push pull than he is. Same here, except my MM has never fallen out of communication with me. The texting and talking is constant. Like you, I am the one that is hot and cold. MM often says I seem shut down and/or pulling away... Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 No push pull. No drama. He's consistent with me and we are in contact daily. Sometimes either of us go dark for a bit because of family commitments, but there's always a good morning and a goodnight. But I think the dynamic is different because I'm not single. We both have commitments and are in the same boat so we don't expect too much of each other. To be honest is someone was doing the push pull id end that pretty quick. I'm a busy woman and don't have time for bull**** and games. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts