Handling the Rebound?

[LoveStinks8]

Ok everyone, I will attempt to keep this short.

 

 

I had actively begun to move on from my ex. I went through the stages of grief and realized I could live without him... but I don't want to. I accept that it may never work, but I'm not giving up without saying I at least tried.

 

 

So, we were together for approximately 3 years, close friends before that. I have loved him for a long time, even before we were together (while we were friends). We lived together for a year before circumstance caused us to have to move to different towns briefly. We were only apart for 2 months but due to financial constraints we were only now looking at moving back in together. He is the man I wish to spend my life with, I just hope that is possible.

 

 

He left me because he "needed time" "needed to be in control of his own life" "needed space" "wanted to be single" etc. You get the point. It came out of nowhere really. We've always had our arguments and a couple big blow-out fights, but at the end of the day we loved each other. We had problems, he wanted to act single while we were together (nothing bad, but he wanted to go to parties alone, spend most of his time with his friends, talk to other girls/hang out with them casually) and I wasn't okay with it. Basically I became overbearing and jealous because he didn't understand how I felt about his actions. We separated very briefly before and both recognized these as our major issues and began working on them.

 

 

We were talking about marriage, future, purchasing a house soon, etc. I feel like he got a case of G.I.G.S/cold feet. The break-up came out of nowhere. We had been very happy since our brief split, the only issue remaining was the party thing. All of a sudden he just started to ignore me and then told me he was leaving and BAM! he was gone.

 

 

He told me that if it was meant to be it would be, and that he'd like to reconcile with me in the near future but he needed time to be on his own. Then, literally a couple of days later, I see him with a new girl.

 

 

He continues to claim that they aren't together, but I know better. Even if they aren't officially in a relationship she is the interest of the minute. He has only known her since the day we broke up, and they are already doing/sharing things together that we didn't do for 4-6+ months. Initially I was absolutely crushed/pissed. How dare he say he wanted to be on his own and then start running around with her?!

 

Oh wait, she's a rebound. How do I know this? He didn't know her prior to our break-up, they're moving very quickly, they're spending all of their free time together, she's significantly younger than him, and overall she just isn't the type of woman he usually attracts himself to.

 

 

I'm currently in No Contact. I'm on day 19 and started immediately following our break-up. He tried several times to contact me, I answered him as briefly as possible but eventually had to tell him I needed space and no contact for a while because he wouldn't stop. I also noticed that the two times that I was forced to contact him (bills and such that we have together) he responded to me immediately even though I know he was with this other girl, and he tried to create conversation with me.

 

 

I did mess up once, I told him that his time with this new girl was hard on me and I wanted my things back from him. This was the same time that I told him I wanted no contact until he decided what he wanted in life.

 

 

So now here we are. There has been no contact since that conversation. He told me that he would return my things as soon as he had a chance and still has not (it has been a week). I figure he's waiting for me to make first contact, but I refuse to further break no contact. That is a tricky situation though I know, because I told him to leave me alone yet here I sit expecting him to contact me about my things.

 

 

He's been with this other girl every day. I only know because we live in a small town and I see them in passing on the roads at least once a day.

 

 

I don't want to mess up any chance that I have. Yes, I have accepted that there is a good chance that I won't get him back. Yes, I have moved on with my life, done things for myself, gone on a date, found happiness. However I do still want him back in my life. I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I know that in theory I'd wait until this rebound relationship ended and then swoop in, save the day, show him how great I am. However they aren't officially in a relationship, so there isn't going to be a real official end to it unless they get into a big fight or something. I am going to continue no contact for at least another week, but then what? I don't really want to start a fight with him about my things because I want to prove to him that I'm the better option and I don't feel like demanding the return of my things would help this out.

 

 

But do I contact him like the advice sites tell me to? With the "memory text" as some places all it? Or do I stay back until something happens with this girl? I don't know many details about them besides seeing them around and hearing gossip, so I wouldn't know the moment when they fought, and I don't know how he is feeling about her right now or anything. The only thing that bothers me about it really is that I'm watching him do with her everything I ever wanted him to do with me that he wouldn't.

 

 

I personally feel like I should send the memory text and see what happens from there. I have changed quite a bit since the break-up; admitted to my faults, done some self-growth, etc. I want to show him my growth and see where it goes, but I'm scared of messing it up.

 

 

Anyone have any suggestions? I apologize that this became lengthy... and please don't tell me to just move on and find another guy. I already understand that this may not work in any scenario, and I am moving on with my life and am happy in my day-to-day life. However I feel like I gave him a piece of my heart and soul that I'm not going to get back and I want to at least give this one last shot before I entirely move on.

[SLee]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is really difficult.

 

For whatever reasons, he wasn't ready to commit. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, and I'm guessing you're both fairly young and this tends to happen to young people. I'm in my early 20s and I see this stuff all the time. My ex was similar, not ready to commit and doesn't know what he wants at all. This guy sounds similar.

 

Needing space, time, and wanting to be single is often a "nicer" way to say "I wanna break up and play the field". It sucks, but what I learned with my ex is that when this happens give them exactly what they wish for. NC is the only way you can take control over your own life and heal from whatever hurt so the ex doesn't control you.

 

I can tell you're in a lot of pain right now. You're preoccupied with the thoughts of him swirling around in your head. That's never a good place to be in, believe me, I was right there and often fall back there at times.

 

Telling you he'd like to reconcile in the future is a way to either assuage his own guilt from hurting you or a way to keep you around and give you hope in case it doesn't work out.

 

The way he was contacting you so much and trying to break no contact is indicative to me, personally, that he just doesn't know what he wants. No matter what else happens, and this is important because I had to learn it, nothing is ever going to work unless/until he figures out what he wants and you move on completely from the hurt.

 

I don't mean move on and find another man, if you don't want to. That's fine. But as you said, finding your own happiness and security in yourself is the most important thing.

 

Either way, if he wants to reconcile, HE has to come back to YOU and make it clear that his intentions are to reconcile. I've seen people become their ex's rebound after the ex had a rebound/other relationship. Don't fall into that trap if it comes up.

 

Try to get out of your town as much as possible, if you can to avoid seeing them. If he comes up in gossip, politely walk away or say that you don't want to hear it.

 

I've never heard of a "memory text" and I looked it up and couldn't find it. Is it like a text reminding him of a happy memory you had? Or is a text in general reminding him that you still exist? Or is is something else?

 

If your stuff is really important to you, contact him about that, and ONLY about your stuff. Nothing else. If you can, have a friend get it from him. Seeing him isn't going to help.

 

Just keep doing right by yourself, keep on that path. Don't worry about him or "messing up" any chances. If you grow, he'll likely notice.

 

Here's what I can say about reconciliation from what I've read: They happen only if both parties have moved on completely and got over the hurt.

 

You're obviously hurting a lot and it's completely okay, but fair warning, if your ex does come back while you're still hurting, it might not be the best to dive right back into things. I had to learn THAT the hard way too. It was a DISASTER.

 

Now, I'm gonna have to be a little direct here. You say you've moved on and have worked on bettering yourself, I do believe you, but if you've truly moved on, I don't know if you would still be hung up on his every move, calculating and planning. That's not an attack at all. It's just an observation. I obviously don't know you, him, or your situation personally so take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

Here's some advice I read in a book called "Love" by Leo Buscaglia. It goes something like "You don't GIVE love. You SHARE it. If I told you everything I know, I'd be SHARING that with you since I still have it, I didn't GIVE it to you." Your heart/soul is the same concept. Those things are STILL in you. You SHARED something with him that you may or may not share with him again.

 

Other people can give better advice than me, probably, but the ONE thing I can tell you from experience is that planning and calculating moves never works. I did it and it was a disaster. I didn't even know I was doing it. I just wanted to show him how much I've changed and how great I was. It was an awful horrible mess that I feel stupid that I put myself through.

 

The only way I began getting better was when I gave him exactly what he wanted and didn't think about him anymore. I did all sorts of exercises that helped me through the pain, and still do.

 

The only thing I do know is that exes usually come back when you've practically forgotten about them, and often times, you won't even care anymore.

[kacper]

I had a situation not that dissimilar from yours happen to me. My ex starting dating someone (who was almost a carbon copy of me) about 2 months after we broke up, and they got very serious very quick.

 

Prior to them hooking up, I was okay with the split. But once another person enters the picture, my jealousy and ego started to act up. Be VERY careful that whatever actions you do, they are not coming from your ego. Nothing good ever comes from a bruised ego acting up. You will be thanking yourself later, if you act from a place of detachment and perspective, rather than taking things too personally and then reaching out.