is it healthy to keep going back to an ex?

[lostINdarkness]

my boyfriend and i went out two times before this third time. the first time, he broke up with me to go out with some other girl. i later found out that he really broke up with me because someone told him i was cheating on him, or atleast thats what hes telling me. which wasnt true, i wouldnt cheat on anybody to save my life. but he told me this after they broke up. and then we got back together. but we got back together after he made sure that it was over between him and her. because he kept hearing rumors that she still loved him, and didnt want to break up.

 

the second girl he dated after us, he didnt tell me about. i found out through his friends. the excuse he gave me for breaking up with me was that he didnt have time for a girlfriend at the moment. the next day, i hear theyve been going out for a week. (while me and him were together for the second time) and i asked him about it, but he said that they werent dating while me and him were dating, they just started that day. but even the girl said they were dating that long. so that lasted for a couple months til she broke it off because she cheated on him.

 

both of the girls broke up with him, so i feel like hes only with me because he knows hes safe with me and i wont cheat on him. and because hes afraid of going through another heartbreak with someone new.

 

weve been dating for 7 months now, and things have been great, but at times a little rocky (mostly cosidering the past or some trust issues)

 

i dont know if its right to stay with him. we've talked a lot about what happened between us in the past, and he always apologizes, and says he was stupid for breaking up with the girl he truly loves. he even cries and i have never seen him cry about anything. he says he will never break up with me again.

 

i love him so much, but i dont know if my choices are for the best. your help is highly appreciated. thanks.

[westernxer]

It makes perfect sense to go back to someone after they cheated on you twice.

[Donut]

This has happened to me in a past relationship, we broke up about 5 or 6 times. Each time there was another girl waiting in the wings, but he'd always come back saying it was me he really loved! No one has ever loved him like I have, It'll never happen again, blah blah blah.

 

I was an idiot to keep taking him back. It was a crazy time in my life, we were together five years, got together at 18, had a place together and I kept hanging on in the hope that he'd changed, more fool me!

 

After a while we had nothing of a relationship left, too much deception, hurt and bullsh*t! When it finally ended for good I felt nothing but relief.

 

No, it isn't healthy!! Don't hang on to a cheater and manipulator hoping they'll wake up and change, they always let you down.

[sarah12]

lost, I can see where you are coming from. I have been the 'other' girl in that relationship and as an outsider, I always saw and still see a lot of problems in the relationship of this guy I dated (we are still friends, but the girlfriend hates me for obvious reasons). I think that it isn't so much of a trust issue since he dated these girls after he broke up with you so he's free to do as he wishes, but perhaps there is something else that is lacking in your relationship with him, something that wasn't there before the first time you broke up.

 

Was there a lack of communication? Did things get boring? Have you grown apart? became different people? I think you need to look at these things seriously and see whether or not you belong together, despite the hurt feelings, the other girls, etc.

 

In my case, I made sure that I wasn't a problem for this guy and his girlfriend after they got back together. I have mutual friends with this guy and that's why we are still friends, but he lies to his girlfriend about it because she'll forever give him grief otherwise. But the thing is, he was lying to her before he broke up with her the first time, he would lie to her about where he was and stuff, even though there was no girl around, he just didn't want to see her, wanted to hang out with his friends. So therein lies one of the many issues in their relationship that has persisted through the years and the many breakups they have had. So despite another girl in the picture, I think the girlfriend doesn't realize that it isn't the other girl that's the problem, it's that their relationship isn't strong in the first place.

 

Anyways, the point is that I think you should take a hard look at your relationship and what you mean to each other -- remember that actions are more important than words, and see where it is going. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together, especially if they are young and have been together for a long time. We change a lot and if you haven't dated much, then you odn't really know what is out there when you're 18 -- just like in Donut's case. But if you do want things to be better with your boyfriend then you will have to keep talking and just TRUST what you have with him and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Donut - can you elaborate some more on your ex? How come you got back together so many times? What brings people to get back together when there were issues in the first place?? I've never been one to do this..once it was over for me, it was over..so I'm curious to hear your perspective.