Shall I appologise for being too emotional?

[wishful-thinking]

Hi everyone.

 

I am new here although have been reading for a while. I have been in an ON and OFF relationship with MM- it started really strong and intensively and over time and situations where we pulled back and gave ourselves time apart, everytime we got back together it was on different terms- less time together- less emotions - less intensity as before. It has been hard for me but it was stronger then my will to break free. I have feelings for him. I am also single mum and found dating hard, therefore having someone there for me, even for part time basis felt good. I think I lived a bit in my own fairytale and constantly wishing one day he would be part of that. But I can admit I would never want a true commited relationship with him. It suited me the way we were and it felt save, as myself I am very scared of true intimacy person.

 

Anyway, the last time we broke it off was because he couldn't spend enough time with me. I felt so lonely. He was busy with work and dealing with family matters and I decided to pull away. We met again few months later after 4 months of NC and quickly resumed the affair.

What happened in the past is that he would always send me email after spending time with me and having sex. He would always email after reaching home letting me know all was well and that he had great time. The last 2 times we met after jumping into the affair again- he did not. It was hurtful to me but the first time I didn't say anything. The second time however I did. I said it felt like he didn't care and that when I am letting him close is because I have feeling for him and I would not otherwise. That he had to rush out of my place after we were intimate so I thought he would at least quickly follow up... as he always did. He made some excuses about getting busy at home and brushed the topic away. I got really upset. I was forcing him to talk about it but he said he don't have the mindset for it at that time. I got really emotional and said that it really bothers me and I would like to talk about it. What he did in the end he said we should give each other time as he has too many things going on in his life and " he would really need to be a in a good position to address my concerns". He said we should stop seeing each other.

 

I see now his point, I understand that maybe I over-reacted..as we both know the relationship is mostly casual, with some emotional charge at both ends- But I guess mine more intensive than his. Have I overreacted? or did I have the right to expect a bit of warmth from him after having sex... I just related it to how it used to be, and I felt disappointed that he didn't follow up this time like he always did.

 

I think I forced him a bit to much to talk about it... but I felt it was important to me. I feel bad however that I put pressure on him with my emotions all over the place...I feel like I should apologise for that, but scared that it may even go more wrong.

 

When he said he needs space, he apologised if he upset me in any way, but he never felt like talking about it. I guess I am the last person on earth he would want to deal with some emotional drama here. I should have known better and I forced it on him so much due to my insecurities. I feel so down, I feel like I pushed him away with my neediness. I would appreciate some wise words of advise.

[darkmoon]

his home life is off-limits, this is tough, you are in one department in his life, his home life is in another department...

 

tell him you were just curious and over-thinking things, say sorry and assure him that the affair is what you want, only i do not think it is, insecurity you say, a married man situation is not the one to provide emotional security

 

and a man does not need a wife at home in order to participate in a casual liason, which your thing is, no love, just convenience, as you describe it

Edited May 9, 2015 by darkmoon

[sandylee1]

I don't think it's a matter of apologising, because that's how you felt.

 

When dating a MM, you won't ever be his priority. He may intend to call or email when he gets home, but stuff happens and it's easy to get distracted with his wife and children.

 

A long as you remain in this relationship, you will always have these feelings of hurt. You will only ever be fitted in where he has some free time. In essence, your a gap filler. Signing up for an affair means you have to keep your emotions in check, or the MM gets pissed off.

 

In his mind, you knew the deal and all these emotions are more than he needs to deal with.

 

So you need to decide if you will just supress your feelings, because he's somebody else's husband.

 

I have to tell you, there are so many single women who date. That is no reason to settle for being a bit on the side.

[GirlStillStrong]

Apologizing is not going to change the fact that you cannot have sex with him without also having strong emotions. Every time you have sex with him, you are bonding emotionally to him. He cannot reciprocate. If you apologize, all you are doing is telling him it is okay with you that he comes over to $&@% you and leave. Sorry for how foul that sounds but it is the truth of the matter. If he does start emailing you after sex again, he is only doing it to appease you. Is a man who only shows caring toward you because you want him to really what you want?

 

You need to decide your worth here. Is this really what you are about? Because you are defining yourself by this sexual relationship you are having with this person.

[Popsicle]

I apologized to xMM for being too emotional a few times. I was so embarrassed by my lack of control of my emotions and thought I was scaring him away, but he thought it was cute I guess. He seemed to love it. I don't know whether to be angry about that or flattered by that.

[HtotheN]

Hi everyone.

 

I am new here although have been reading for a while. I have been in an ON and OFF relationship with MM- it started really strong and intensively and over time and situations where we pulled back and gave ourselves time apart, everytime we got back together it was on different terms- less time together- less emotions - less intensity as before. It has been hard for me but it was stronger then my will to break free. I have feelings for him. I am also single mum and found dating hard, therefore having someone there for me, even for part time basis felt good. I think I lived a bit in my own fairytale and constantly wishing one day he would be part of that. But I can admit I would never want a true commited relationship with him. It suited me the way we were and it felt save, as myself I am very scared of true intimacy person.

 

Anyway, the last time we broke it off was because he couldn't spend enough time with me. I felt so lonely. He was busy with work and dealing with family matters and I decided to pull away. We met again few months later after 4 months of NC and quickly resumed the affair.

What happened in the past is that he would always send me email after spending time with me and having sex. He would always email after reaching home letting me know all was well and that he had great time. The last 2 times we met after jumping into the affair again- he did not. It was hurtful to me but the first time I didn't say anything. The second time however I did. I said it felt like he didn't care and that when I am letting him close is because I have feeling for him and I would not otherwise. That he had to rush out of my place after we were intimate so I thought he would at least quickly follow up... as he always did. He made some excuses about getting busy at home and brushed the topic away. I got really upset. I was forcing him to talk about it but he said he don't have the mindset for it at that time. I got really emotional and said that it really bothers me and I would like to talk about it. What he did in the end he said we should give each other time as he has too many things going on in his life and " he would really need to be a in a good position to address my concerns". He said we should stop seeing each other.

 

I see now his point, I understand that maybe I over-reacted..as we both know the relationship is mostly casual, with some emotional charge at both ends- But I guess mine more intensive than his. Have I overreacted? or did I have the right to expect a bit of warmth from him after having sex... I just related it to how it used to be, and I felt disappointed that he didn't follow up this time like he always did.

 

I think I forced him a bit to much to talk about it... but I felt it was important to me. I feel bad however that I put pressure on him with my emotions all over the place...I feel like I should apologise for that, but scared that it may even go more wrong.

 

When he said he needs space, he apologised if he upset me in any way, but he never felt like talking about it. I guess I am the last person on earth he would want to deal with some emotional drama here. I should have known better and I forced it on him so much due to my insecurities. I feel so down, I feel like I pushed him away with my neediness. I would appreciate some wise words of advise.

 

Clearly, this situation is not working for you and you are entitled to your feelings, just as everyone is. You matter just as much as he does. Give him all the space he needs, permanently. Don't ever apologize for your true feelings. I understand your situation but it doesn't sound like you are getting what you need from him anymore so why stay in it?

[darkmoon]

yes, a woman treading on egg-shells for fear of losing her chance as a side-piece must be flattering and charming too, but for all the wrong reasons

 

find some mom and baby groups, bond with them, you need a better life than this one, if your life atmo was ok, you would not need Loveshack xx

[RoseVille]

I agree with the others.

 

You're incapable of not catching feelings for him each time you have sex; but he is. Your emotionality is normal, and he knows it. He knows you're invested, and getting more and more invested, and that he isn't.

 

Apologizing to him will essentially tell him it's okay for him to continue having sex with you without any emotion on his part. But here's the thing, not apologizing but still having sex with him will save the same effect.

[HtotheN]

Apologizing to him will essentially tell him it's okay for him to continue having sex with you without any emotion on his part. But here's the thing, not apologizing but still having sex with him will save the same effect.

 

And it will kill your soul, a little at a time.

[darkmoon]

i dare you to put on some cute skinny lil tee-shirt and shorts and go out with the baby, or not, you will get better offers, friends with benefits, a weekly meeting, single men, go on ... ...get flirty

 

or is this married guy keeping you on hold in a way, a not terribly nice way, that an outsider can see?

Edited May 9, 2015 by darkmoon

[GoldieLox]

This guy doesn't want another wife. He has one at home who nags him, cries, is emotional, and all that other wonderful womanly stuff. It sounds like you're there to serve a certain purpose, I don't need to spell it out. I hate to say it like that, but this guy doesn't sound like he wants anything emotionally heavy with you.

 

Don't apologize for what you feel, ever... however, just be advised that was long as you're in this situation, you will always feel like this. You said he ended it? I would leave it where it lies. Fill up your time with other hobbies. Don't lose your dignity by going back and begging and sending 100 "I'm sorry" emails, that's just going to push him further away. Maybe he'll come back, but think wisely, OP, before you get in this situation again.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I personally don't think you should apologise, I don't believe it would actually make you feel any better.

 

In my experience as an OW there are really only two boundaries you can set in an affair;

 

1) I'm not willing to do this, don't have anything to do with me unless you're single.

2) I'm in, so I will put up with any treatment that you decide to dish out because something/anything with you is better than nothing.

 

It's one extreme or the other I'm afraid, and if you pick option 2, you have to just prepare yourself for never having demands, never taking priority, and being picked up and dropped as and when it's convenient.

[GirlStillStrong]

Plus, going after him now and apologizing for your feelings makes one seem desperate. And desperate is not attractive. Don't go there. Maintain your composure, treat him coolly if you see him or talk to him, and get busy living a full life. HE is the one who owes YOU an apology. You don't need this guy, or any guy.

[Adoraxx]

I don't think you did anything wrong so I don't think you should apologize. You have nothing to apologize for!!

 

He knew how to treat you right (well, at least 'better' ) in the beginning... To me, it's quite normal when a man contacts a woman after sex, whether it's in a real relationship or an affair..... If he doesn't contact you after sex (and a text or an email only costs 1 minute of his time), it makes you feel like you're an object. An object to be used and an object to be thrown away when there's no need for it anymore.

 

I've wondered about this often too!! To me it's common courtesy when the man contacts the woman after sex.... and I've felt hurt each and every time when I would hear from him lots and lots BEFORE sex, and then AFTER sex: nothing.

 

It's so very hurtful.

 

Anyway, if he wants something purely casual (no emotions involved), he should find someone who doesn't have any emotions for him at all... OK , now I'm talking about my xMM here... He always wanted wanted wanted me, knew very well how much I had fallen in love with him, yet he expected me to be an emotionless creature somehow. He didn't care about it at all that I couldn't handle it anymore

 

 

don't apologize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GirlStillStrong]

I apologized to xMM for being too emotional a few times. I was so embarrassed by my lack of control of my emotions and thought I was scaring him away, but he thought it was cute I guess. He seemed to love it. I don't know whether to be angry about that or flattered by that.

 

I understand this. MM thinks EVERYTHING I do is cute. Even when I get angry it's like he looks at me like I am 4 or 5 years old or something. And he's not that much older than me. Sometimes I think it's because he sees me as less than him, or because he hasn't a clue what it means to be in an equal partnership with a woman. But on the other hand, I know that whenever he has seen me cry it makes him crazy. He can't stand it and wants to fix whatever it is that is making me cry. I think maybe it is just some instinctual thing. Sorry, I got off topic; just wanted to compare notes

[RoseVille]

I understand this. MM thinks EVERYTHING I do is cute. Even when I get angry it's like he looks at me like I am 4 or 5 years old or something. And he's not that much older than me. Sometimes I think it's because he sees me as less than him, or because he hasn't a clue what it means to be in an equal partnership with a woman. But on the other hand, I know that whenever he has seen me cry it makes him crazy. He can't stand it and wants to fix whatever it is that is making me cry. I think maybe it is just some instinctual thing. Sorry, I got off topic; just wanted to compare notes

 

 

Or maybe he's amused because the reactions he's used to receiving are so different (cold, indifferent). Sometimes they get a sense of pleasure from the power they have over someone's emotions.

[GirlStillStrong]

Or maybe he's amused because the reactions he's used to receiving are so different (cold, indifferent). Sometimes they get a sense of pleasure from the power they have over someone's emotions.

Could be but I don't think this particular person sees it as a power thing, tho IDK for sure. I do know he likes how we are together (affectionate, cuddly, etc) especially in comparison to how he and his wife are together (like you say, cold and indifferent, live separate lives, like business partners). It's a shame couples turn that way over time but that is part of the reason I do not do well in long term relationships; after a while the men get used to me being around and they stop being warm, affectionate and attentive and start treating me more like furniture. I can do that with a stranger; I don't need to marry it

[Popsicle]

I understand this. MM thinks EVERYTHING I do is cute. Even when I get angry it's like he looks at me like I am 4 or 5 years old or something. And he's not that much older than me. Sometimes I think it's because he sees me as less than him, or because he hasn't a clue what it means to be in an equal partnership with a woman. But on the other hand, I know that whenever he has seen me cry it makes him crazy. He can't stand it and wants to fix whatever it is that is making me cry. I think maybe it is just some instinctual thing. Sorry, I got off topic; just wanted to compare notes

 

 

Yes, the below is the reason I think xMM felt that way and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Or maybe he's amused because the reactions he's used to receiving are so different (cold, indifferent). Sometimes they get a sense of pleasure from the power they have over someone's emotions.

[wishful-thinking]

Thank you everyone who replied. It has really opened my eyes a bit. But I have to admit I feel so embarrassed at the same time for letting myself be treated this way but what most- for overreacting emotionally when I should have know better.

But at the same time why should I apologise for being me and feeling what I feel. I mean I knew the set up- I knew he is married and will never leave- we talked about it. So it is me that agreed from the beginning for the "rules" of this relationship.. but at the same time I am not a machine, I am women, human being with feelings and emotions and it hurt badly when he hasn't got in touch soon after, especially that he left in a rush... and he always used call me or email me the same evening in the past.

 

He asked for space as it was just overwhelming for him to deal with me and wasn't sure what to say if I told him I was hurt, so he avoided the conversation and in the end we chatted online when he told me he wants us to stop as his life at the moment is too busy to give me the attention that I need. In reply I told him that my emotions have always been strong and expecting therefore more then he could ever give me. I admitted it is my fault (ouch... now I regret) as I always knew what I am getting myself into 100%. I then wished him well, hoped his life is going to settle and said goodbye. This morning though I had this huge urge to apologise as I felt that I overreacted, that in a way I should have known better. But you are all right, I shouldn't apologise for feelings that I have and I shouldn't settle for less than I would like to get.

 

In a way I wish we could carry on the affair deep down but I know it is so damaging to me and my self esteem. He is going to leave the country in 3 months for good. I live in the UK, he will depart to US, so the affair would have to end anyway,. I thought and hoped that we could still spend 3 months seeing each other, have some good time like we did in the past and then let go... but looks like it would be a struggle for me emotionally anyway. He has changed his attitude and doesn't seem to care about my feeling anymore and I don't want him to remember me as a doormat who agreed to anything he pleased. It hurts so much to note he has changed towards me. We used to be on the same page emotionally and with our expectations. I used to be more relaxed, but now I am much more involved emotionally than I have ever been with him and he has gone the opposite way...

[sandylee1]

My friend split up with her H a little while back. She has three kids and that didn't stop her. She's in the UK and has been in a new relationship for almost a year now. He has no kids and gets on great with hers.

 

If you feel confident and believe that you deserve better, you'll get better. Don't settle and he's leaving the country anyway, so detach for your own well being.

[wishful-thinking]

My friend split up with her H a little while back. She has three kids and that didn't stop her. She's in the UK and has been in a new relationship for almost a year now. He has no kids and gets on great with hers.

 

If you feel confident and believe that you deserve better, you'll get better. Don't settle and he's leaving the country anyway, so detach for your own well being.

 

Thank you Sandylee. I think I am still in the fog, my judgements are still blinded by feelings towards him and emotions after almost 3 years in this affair (on and off) therefore it is so hard to let go, but deep down I feel I deserve better. I know that I need time however to be on my own for a longer while, to get my self esteem back on track before I get into any other relationship. I think I lost a bit of trust in myself as I have let myself be treated so poorly and I settled for crumbs... so tiny even at this very end. I feel so pathetic at this moment that it is just so hard to describe. I look into the mirror and I cannot look myself in the eyes. I simply let myself down, as I felt huge danger before I jumped back to this affair for the last time after 4 months of NC... I felt it is going to be a strong ride, yet I let myself get on it with a smile. Now I got my slap in my face and hopefully this is going to wake me up for good this time.

[sandylee1]

Thank you Sandylee. I think I am still in the fog, my judgements are still blinded by feelings towards him and emotions after almost 3 years in this affair (on and off) therefore it is so hard to let go, but deep down I feel I deserve better. I know that I need time however to be on my own for a longer while, to get my self esteem back on track before I get into any other relationship. I think I lost a bit of trust in myself as I have let myself be treated so poorly and I settled for crumbs... so tiny even at this very end. I feel so pathetic at this moment that it is just so hard to describe. I look into the mirror and I cannot look myself in the eyes. I simply let myself down, as I felt huge danger before I jumped back to this affair for the last time after 4 months of NC... I felt it is going to be a strong ride, yet I let myself get on it with a smile. Now I got my slap in my face and hopefully this is going to wake me up for good this time.

 

Your welcome.

 

You know sometimes we feel so low, but it's easy to take the things we have for granted; like your kids. I'm sure being a single mum isn't easy. Being a married mum isn't easy, so give yourself credit for what you're doing well.

 

Even better would be for the kids to see you happy in the future and not sad because of being let down by MM.

 

You can do it. Just keep NC and tell yourself he's a drug that will ruin your life. Chin up!

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you everyone who replied. It has really opened my eyes a bit. But I have to admit I feel so embarrassed at the same time for letting myself be treated this way but what most- for overreacting emotionally when I should have know better.

But at the same time why should I apologise for being me and feeling what I feel. I mean I knew the set up- I knew he is married and will never leave- we talked about it. So it is me that agreed from the beginning for the "rules" of this relationship.. but at the same time I am not a machine, I am women, human being with feelings and emotions and it hurt badly when he hasn't got in touch soon after, especially that he left in a rush... and he always used call me or email me the same evening in the past.

 

He asked for space as it was just overwhelming for him to deal with me and wasn't sure what to say if I told him I was hurt, so he avoided the conversation and in the end we chatted online when he told me he wants us to stop as his life at the moment is too busy to give me the attention that I need. In reply I told him that my emotions have always been strong and expecting therefore more then he could ever give me. I admitted it is my fault (ouch... now I regret) as I always knew what I am getting myself into 100%. I then wished him well, hoped his life is going to settle and said goodbye. This morning though I had this huge urge to apologise as I felt that I overreacted, that in a way I should have known better. But you are all right, I shouldn't apologise for feelings that I have and I shouldn't settle for less than I would like to get.

 

In a way I wish we could carry on the affair deep down but I know it is so damaging to me and my self esteem. He is going to leave the country in 3 months for good. I live in the UK, he will depart to US, so the affair would have to end anyway,. I thought and hoped that we could still spend 3 months seeing each other, have some good time like we did in the past and then let go... but looks like it would be a struggle for me emotionally anyway. He has changed his attitude and doesn't seem to care about my feeling anymore and I don't want him to remember me as a doormat who agreed to anything he pleased. It hurts so much to note he has changed towards me. We used to be on the same page emotionally and with our expectations. I used to be more relaxed, but now I am much more involved emotionally than I have ever been with him and he has gone the opposite way...

Whether or not THIS guy has feelings toward you is not an indication of your worth. Don't let it get you down that his feelings, or his attentions, or his desires have changed. It's nothing to do with you. Men are not put on earth to give us feelings about ourselves. They are for having fun with. It does not sound like you can have fun with this guy. So find another one. They're a dime a dozen.

[wishful-thinking]

Whether or not THIS guy has feelings toward you is not an indication of your worth. Don't let it get you down that his feelings, or his attentions, or his desires have changed. It's nothing to do with you. Men are not put on earth to give us feelings about ourselves. They are for having fun with. It does not sound like you can have fun with this guy. So find another one. They're a dime a dozen.

 

That is so true. "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent." (Funny, but this is a quote from one Barbie movie that my 5 year old daugther watched few days ago, and it really made me think.. )

I woke up this morning and actually feeling happy that I challenged his behaviour now the other day, when he made me feel so inadequate after not getting in touch after sex. I feel like I have stated my needs clearly enough as I am not ready to accept anything else. WHat he did in response- he run away. But as you say GirlStillStrong- his response has nothing to do with me- it is to do with his own agenda etc... Thank you, this forum is just so helpful.

This time around, I think I learned that I have what it takes to be honest and clear about my experience—but that that is not enough.

 

I learned that I also have to expect that of the person I am engaging with.

I can’t hold myself to one standard and be forgiving and accommodating when the other doesn’t respond in that way.

 

I just read an article this morning that said something along these lines...That I should have high standards of my own behaviour and my own ability to grow and respond. And it often makes me wonder why I NEVER hold the other person in relationship to those same standards?

 

Because I’m afraid they won’t live up to them? Because I am afraid I’ll never meet a man who fully meets me.

 

I took the revelation of that core belief and turned it around. I asked myself: Do I fully meet myself? Do I fully meet life? How do I meet myself fully? How do I meet life fully?

 

Because there is a man out there capable of fully meeting me, when I am no longer afraid to fully meet myself, and my life. Such is the nature of our experience—always mirroring back to us that which we need to identify and heal within ourselves...

[GirlStillStrong]

That is so true. "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent." (Funny, but this is a quote from one Barbie movie that my 5 year old daugther watched few days ago, and it really made me think.. )

I woke up this morning and actually feeling happy that I challenged his behaviour now the other day, when he made me feel so inadequate after not getting in touch after sex. I feel like I have stated my needs clearly enough as I am not ready to accept anything else. WHat he did in response- he run away. But as you say GirlStillStrong- his response has nothing to do with me- it is to do with his own agenda etc... Thank you, this forum is just so helpful.

This time around, I think I learned that I have what it takes to be honest and clear about my experience—but that that is not enough.

 

I learned that I also have to expect that of the person I am engaging with.

I can’t hold myself to one standard and be forgiving and accommodating when the other doesn’t respond in that way.

 

I just read an article this morning that said something along these lines...That I should have high standards of my own behaviour and my own ability to grow and respond. And it often makes me wonder why I NEVER hold the other person in relationship to those same standards?

 

Because I’m afraid they won’t live up to them? Because I am afraid I’ll never meet a man who fully meets me.

 

I took the revelation of that core belief and turned it around. I asked myself: Do I fully meet myself? Do I fully meet life? How do I meet myself fully? How do I meet life fully?

 

Because there is a man out there capable of fully meeting me, when I am no longer afraid to fully meet myself, and my life. Such is the nature of our experience—always mirroring back to us that which we need to identify and heal within ourselves...

Thank you for this.

 

And yes, thank you for "his agenda." That helps me this morning. They all have their own agenda. And for several months in the beginning, maybe even close to a year, I believed what he told me, that his agenda was to get a divorce and he would be available for a full-time relationship. Because of this, I bought his excuses and put my life on hold, yet again to accommodate someone else's needs in the hopes that doing so would allow them to settle themselves enough so that we could have a normal life. Whenever I get into a relationship I find myself accommodating them and waiting for them to get with the program. They are just so needy and command so much $&@*%#¥ attention. They're like toddlers or something!