Ex needs time to think, but more too it...

[lookingupwards]

So the situations started about half a year ago. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years and tried NC. She really really wanted to get back and I started missing her, so I decided to give it a try. While we were talking again, she ended up kissing some other guy after going on a kind-of-date with him. She was extremely apologetic and I could tell she meant it. Well, while tensions were still high, I kissed another girl but didn't say anything about it because I didn't want to seem like I was spiting her. My ex ended up finding out while things were good between us, which made things bad. But we got over that phase and were fine. She was happy, I was happy, but just recently she seemed off and we talked.

 

Apparently she had reached a plateau with her feelings. She said that they were getting back to normal but didn't make it all the way and hadn't been getting better for a while. She told me she had a hard time trying to treat me the way she used to. She also admitted that when she goes off to grad school in a couple of months, that she worries she will fall for someone else and doesn't want to hurt me (I brought this thought up). She also said that she never used to feel that way while we were together. I then asked her if she wanted a break to think. She said yes. After she decided that, I told her that if she does want to get back together, she shouldn't expect all the same feelings to come back. I said that if we get back together, it is a new relationship. We have both matured and changed but still know just about everything about each other (since we still hang out and all). I told her that the decision isn't whether or not she wants to pick up where we left off, rather, does she want to start a relationship with me. Now, something to note is that every second we were talking about this (not as much during the stuff about starting something new though) and when I dropped her off at her place not to see her again for (Blank) amount of time she was crying and extremely sad. I was calm and supportive the whole time.

 

Some other things I should mention are that I am her first boyfriend (high school sweethearts). We were very close to each others families. We travelled to places that couples normally aren't able to travel to together. She used to be completely head over heels for me. I mean I was her world, and I understand I hurt her very much, but I won't go into details about the breakup. Just know it wasn't to be an a$$.

 

Anyways, what do you guys think? I won't bug her at all until she reaches out to me. I really would like to get back with her and last. Is it a lost cause? Do you think she will decide to stick around? Do you think I have my work cut out for me? If so, what should I be doing or do when and after she contacts me?

[lolablue17]

Clearing the fog, she told you that she doesn't love you anymore.

 

I'm not saying she wasn't honest back then, but she wanted to get back together, because she was motivated by her ego who wanted to be cured after you left her. Now when it's cured, she wants to leave.

 

It's not in your hands anymore. She may want you back, probably only after she'll taste some other guys.

[lookingupwards]

@lolablue17

Ouch, but it does make sense.

The thing is that she is a virgin, wants to save it for marriage, and not really into dating around. She is a long term kinda girl. She did tell me that when we were together, she didn't even think about other guys, but now, she isn't looking for one but worries that she could fall for someone now. Thing about that is, I know most people, if not all, have a natural interest in others and that is always a risk. Maybe it wasn't with her, maybe it was. Something that I have thought about though is whether I should let her go and see what else is out there or try to keep her. The reason behind trying to keep her is that she is a long term girl that would likely end up in another long term relationship that might could very possibly turn into something more. But, if I do keep her, I run the risk of her always wondering what else is out there. I do believe that she didn't wonder about that much, if at all, when we were together. Things are different now though. But again, I am her first boyfriend, she is early-mid twenties, she is a virgin saving it for marriage and I have always respected that. And something else to note is that her mother married her first boyfriend, which is now my girlfriends father.

[SLee]

Hey lookingupwards, I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

My ex of 3.5 years (first boyfriend and everything) also ended it with me recently and some of his actions and words are similar to your ex.

 

The biggest thing I see here is that she's leaving for grad school soon. Even if she isn't moving far away to go to school, that's still a really big change/next step in someone's life that has plenty of possibilities. This is where the concept of "GIGS" comes in to play. People our age (early-mid twenties) tend to worry if they're missing out on something. It's not necessarily a BAD thing. Some people just need to do it in order to feel more secure in their choices and not have regrets about what they missed in life.

 

Personally, I tend to not buy into it. I'm not the type of person to throw everything I do have a way on just the CHANCE that there MIGHT be SOMEONE else that I MIGHT fall in love with. Besides, the grass is never ever ever ever actually greener on the other side. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way I do and some people need to go off and be on their own.

 

Bottom line is that you don't really want to be with someone who sees you as tying them down. You don't want to be with someone who's willing to throw away a long term relationship away based on the chance that they MIGHT meet someone.

 

The other thing I see going on here is the fact that her "feelings didn't all come back". When my ex first dumped me, we got really emotional after a week and he decided to give it a chance. He didn't actually give it a chance. His words were: "I'll go through the motions to see if my feelings come back." It sounded stupid at the time, but I wanted him back so bad that I let it happen, and it ended disastrously.

 

You can disagree with me here, and I could be wrong. Personally, I don't really believe that feelings and emotions just magically stay the same in relationships. It takes WORK to nurture your feelings and the key there is that a person has to WANT to do the work. Her saying all this is her way of saying "I don't love you and I don't want to work on it now."

 

My friend sent me something a while back when my break up first happened: "You fall in love by chance, you stay in love by work, you fall out of love by choice."

 

Usually a "break" means a break up. Lots of people will tell you that. Doesn't always work that way, but it very often does.

 

Like you said, leave her alone for now. It's not up to you anymore. She made her choice. If she does come back, think about it before taking her back. It'll never work if you aren't completely over the hurt. Let her be and focus on your own life. It's hard, but it's the only way to help yourself.

[lookingupwards]

@Slee

I know a break is often a break up, but we aren't together. She is mostly talking about whether or not to try to get back together. She also said that this is to think about things. It's not a split up that may or may not result in her coming back. This is a period of reflection for her to decide whether or not she wants to try again. This isn't a thing that could just turn into NC forever. She's going to come to me with a decision. I know I can't change her answer and gotta let her decide on her own, but if she does decide to try again and we make it offical again, do you think that it is a solid thing or could it be just as shaky as now?

Also, she's not one to fall into gigs either. She is very set on what she wants. She also isn't one to get too curious about new things, meaning she doesn't like change. She holds stability in high esteem.

[lookingupwards]

@Slee

Also, if you're comfortable answering, what happened with your ex and you? Did you guys try to get back together? Did you try and it not work or you lost feelings? Are you still in contact, friends?

Don't mean to be too nosey, just curious about this situation in practice.

[SLee]

Makes sense, and you obviously know her and the situation better than me.

 

I would still be wary of it though. Sometimes this stuff happens and it works out, but usually, from what I've seen someone ends up heartbroken.

 

I can't say how solid she'll be if she decides to be official again. What often happens is that the person who broke it gets lonely and decides to come back out of familiarity, and it doesn't work out in the long run. Sometimes it works out fine. I do know this: if she does come back at a point when you're still reeling with hurt and missing her, it WILL NOT work. This stuff only works when both people are healed from the situation.

 

I don't mind talking about my ex at all. Long story short (if you're interested in the details, you can see the threads I've posted), we got together after I had just turned 18 and he was about to turn 20. We lived in the same city and our universities were only a couple miles apart, so it was fine. However, being young and stupid, we committed really fast and even though we were very happy for a long time, neither of us took the time to grow as people.

 

Last year, spring 2014, was a really bad semester. I lost my job, I hated the academic program I was in, I had some family drama to deal with, and my mental health took a really bad turn (I have severe depression and anxiety), I was at rock bottom in a very, very dark place. In the relationship (he and I lived together at this point), I felt pressure. We were talking about VERY grown up stuff like weddings, and careers, and houses and neither of us even knew what we wanted to do with our lives at that point yet.

 

It became too much for me. I asked him to take the pressure off. Not a break up, just not get too ahead of ourselves at that time. He said he couldn't do that, so I left it at that. Fast forward to March, he dumped me over spring break. After spending that week apart, he read this long document I wrote that vented my feelings, he decided he wanted to "try to make it work" by basically going through the motions of day to day life to see if his feelings "came back", after acknowledging we still have a connection.

 

I thought it was dumb at the time, if he wanted to make it work, he'd have to nurture his feelings and ACTUALLY work. But, I let it happen. It lasted 2 weeks. He said he was just emotional and "committed to something" he just "couldn't do" and that he was "Trying harder" than I was and all this. Basically, he blamed me for everything, again. That's my get back together story.

 

I realized he was just so incredibly emotionally immature. He needs time to grow up, work out his feelings about his life as an individual. He's never been without me and he needs to see what that's like. If he grows up and I mature and develop and he comes back someday, then great. If he doesn't, I'll work on myself and be in a better spot with myself. Either way I win.

 

This girl does sound like a sweet, genuine person of good character, from what you say. I would just protect yourself as best you can moving forward and be wary of the things she says. Ex's don't like hurting people, for the most part, and emotions make everything complicated and tricky.

 

Sorry my reply got long. Keep posting your progress.

[lookingupwards]

@Slee

Ah, I see where you're coming from. My situation is a bit different. I did the original breaking up and was actually telling her the same things she's telling me. this scares me. But, the thing is that she is a more emotional person than me, and along with all the things I've said about her, on top of the fact that she was significantly more emotional than me while saying what she has to say, makes me wonder if the raised emotions were because she either was hurting and didn't want to take some time apart, is really sad things aren't going well on her end, or maybe because it's just been so long that we've been trying. Not sure what it could be. She is more sentimental than me and was the one who loved more while we were together.

Something else I should've mentioned, is that in a conversation the day before we went NC, emotions were high on both our parts and I asked her if she was ready to give up. She stayed quiet. I asked a few times and eventually she nodded "Yes". Then she went to saying "But.....". I forgot what I said in reply but she ended up asking "What made you finally decide to end things?" (I had tried to break up about twice before the final one. The first two times I couldn't carry through). Another thing she told me is that she loves me more like a brother now. I had kind of said the same thing to her.

In all honesty, I do feel that she cares for me less than she used to. It really hurts too. But, I am a hard working guy that never half-a$$es things. I know what I want and it's her. I will go through hell and back to earn her back. If that doesn't work, then I'll walk away with the soot on my back knowing I did the best I could.

But until I call it quits, I need to know the best course of action. How long should I give her to think? I know however long she needs, but I feel that she might actually rush things and say she wants to try again, but then we'll just be back where we are because the decision was rushed. If she comes to me 3-4 days after yesterday (When we started NC) is that enough time? Should I push her to put more thought into it? Also, should I be all lovey dovey right away, or should I play it cool and not be so easy to get back with on my end? I don't know if throwing myself at her at the first sign of acceptance is the best way. If it is though let me know.

And if she says no, do I walk away with it? Do I keep in light contact with her? I'm patient, but if I have to come to terms with a loss, I can do so. But again, I am not one to give up even remotely easily.

Edited May 10, 2015 by lookingupwards

[Ruby65]

She's doing the *slow fade* method of breakup....

 

She keeps you around on life support until she's fully moved on -- or until she meets her next boyfriend.

 

So much better for you to make a clean break and go strict No Contact. That way YOU get to heal, and she doesn't get to rely on you to get her through the breakup.

 

Light contact = holding her hand while she gets over you.

 

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[lookingupwards]

@ruby65

Is she really though?

She did tell me that she wants us to last and wants us to work.

[DJOkawari]

Okay, but then think about her actions.

 

There is an idea that's passed around a lot around here: Going NC and healing is a win-win.

 

1) She doesn't come back and you're healed.

 

2) She comes back and you're stable and able to start something new IF YOU'D LIKE TO. Do you really think you could do that now? You said it above, but do you really believe you could have something new?