MM ends affair to do things the right way?

[Bucket]

This is a long post! I got involved with a married man about 5 months ago. I was the other woman. He was a colleague and someone I'd known for a while, albeit not well, but known to everyone as just the best kind of person, both personally and professionally. He never did anything with his wife or ever spoke about her to anyone so I'd never really thought twice about our friendship. They have no kids and no mortgage, and let me say that I take responsibility for my part in this, I went into it with my eyes wide open in the sense I knew the risks of it ending unhappily. I don't believe this man is a prolific cheater, I actually think he is a very good person, a little misguided and I think he made a mistake. I think he's in turmoil over another relationship failure too and is just looking for happiness. I was clear from the start about the fact I was looking for an exclusive relationship too.

 

 

At the beginning, he said that the marriage may not last much longer, and he asked if I would give him the opportunity to explain. Basically a similar story to others, the marriage was over but had not been formally agreed upon, that it ending was the current trajectory and that irrelevant of me he was not staying in it. He also was the first one to say that if things were continuing that something would have to change. He did say that he had wanted to resolve everything in his own good time and be in a secure financial situation before he even thought about getting involved with anyone else, and that breaking up a marriage was horrific (this would be his second divorce) and if it happened in its own time it could go easier. He did not want to undertake it lightly. It wasn't a question of if they break up, just "when".

 

 

Fast forward 3 months, and I'd naively continued seeing this man regularly, it was pretty easy for him because him and his wife lead such separate lives, and because we were friends it wasn't the case that we couldn't go out for dinner and such. However, there were occasional weekends where he felt he had to be at home, or his parents would visit and therefore they would still do things as a family (well I say that, but it's more of a case of keeping up appearances). As I got more involved I began to question things, and it became apparent that although this man was deeply unhappy (I still have no doubt about this) that he didn't really have the backbone to do much about it, quickly anyway. He was burying his head in the sand and I was just distracting him from dealing with his problems at home.

 

 

A month ago, when I pulled away, he finally addressed all the issues that had become problematic in his marriage - his wife initially gave him the silent treatment and had been apparently surprised. He was disappointed that she was so indifferent, and had said that she needed time to think about what she wants. I was met with quite desperate needy messages from him wanting my support etc. He also planned a budget, so it seemed he was finally facing up to reality. At the same time he told me that yes what he wanted was to be with me and was doing his best to navigate the course to get us there.

 

 

At the time I hadn't expected him to finally face up to his marriage problems, but still one month on nothing had changed. There had been no come back from his wife and I understand his frustration that he feels he needs her input, at least for her to recognise the problems with their situation in order to agree something sensible. There is just no communication, and when he has tried, in the past too, he's been met with indifference or rejection both emotionally and physically. He clearly hasn't reached his breaking point in terms of just walking out because I do believe he cares about her. He has been clear she is a good person but they got married for the wrong reasons. He feels a lot of guilt and clearly a sense of loyalty.

 

 

Anyway, things between me and him became strained, and we were both getting really upset. I was moving towards ending it. I couldn't cope with the uncertainty. We mutually agreed not to see each other anymore as we cared about each other and wanted the best for one another. He said he didn't think it would be a bad thing, and would mean that he could work through all his problems without the pressure, and if he managed to get everything sorted there wouldn't be other pressures to worry about (which were causing our arguments) as they would eventually kill any chance we had at a relationship down the line. He asked me NOT to wait around for a resolution, that wouldn't be fair, that he wanted me to be happy, and in the current situation he couldn't make me happy and that it needed to change. However, conversely, he said that if we are going to do it, he was convinced we have to do it the right way, it needed to be out in the open, it was **** not being able to do all the normal things people do in relationships - that's what he wanted it to be like. He said being with me was awesome but having to go back to something that wasn't was depressing and therefore he needed to find out what went wrong in his marriage and work through all the issues so that hopefully that would lead to clarity and good decisions. Trying to deal with the marriage failing, me and a stressful job had left him no capacity to deal with the stuff at home. Staying in the situation as it was, was not getting us any closer. After this he continued to text me however and a week later I enforced no contact, apart from at work where it is necessary.

 

 

I've read lots of affair stories, but I can't find anything where the man has ended it, for similar reasons to above, only really to fix the marriage. That is not the case here. I'm strong in my resolve in no contact, and i know that this is the best thing going forwards, but I also know I'll subconsciously be hoping that he does work everything out. I'm pretty confused. I know there is no other way and it is the right thing to do for all parties. I'm not angry with him though, i made the choice to stay involved when I knew the circumstances, but I am still pretty devastated. I know that he has to leave because he is unhappy and not for me.

 

 

Initially i thought everything he said was sensible and saw it as a good thing one way or the other, but now i'm unsure. Is this just a way of him keeping me in his back pocket, even if it's not intentionally meant that way? Or do you think he's actually doing the right thing by everyone finally?

 

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it work out? Any advice?

Edited May 9, 2015 by Bucket
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[Popsicle]

I don't have much to say. Your story sounds very typical of A's. I suggest you read around this section and the infidelity section to get some insight. The one thing that stood out to me is that he is in turmoil over another failed R. I have heard of this before. I guess it's real! Could be another reason that causes people to stay in unsatisfying R's.

[Bucket]

I haven't actually read anything else similar....and I've read a lot The affairs I've read about tend to end because the OW has had enough of being strung along or the MM goes back to fix the problems in his marriage. That's not what is happening here. There's no back and forth in this situation, bottom line is for both of us he can't be with me until he is single. I just haven't read anywhere of a MM doing this...they usually just want to have their cake really. Any relationship breakdown brings turmoil I guess.

[Popsicle]

I haven't actually read anything else similar....and I've read a lot The affairs I've read about tend to end because the OW has had enough of being strung along or the MM goes back to fix the problems in his marriage. That's not what is happening here. There's no back and forth in this situation, bottom line is for both of us he can't be with me until he is single. I just haven't read anywhere of a MM doing this...they usually just want to have their cake really. Any relationship breakdown brings turmoil I guess.

 

 

I think you should look deeper into the posts and stories of others you are reading about. I wish you luck in sorting through this complicated process.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I don't really see anything very different either.

 

The A was very short; just a few months. There wasn't really time to get to the point of OW frustration or a lot of back-and-forth on the part of the MM.

 

What he said to you as his reasons just sounds like a normal variation of what they all say. It may be the actual literal truth or it may be worded in such a way as to make you feel better or that he thought you would accept with the least amount of drama.

 

As for all that is going on in his marriage, you only have his word on that. I know you think he doesn't lie - we all thought that - but he could very well be filtering or padding information that he is feeding you about the marriage. He may truly want to fix it, or maybe he was just looking for an easy way out of the affair.

[RoseVille]

My MM ended it to work on his marriage, the thread should be towards the top of this forum.

[RoseVille]

The A was very short; just a few months. There wasn't really time to get to the point of OW frustration or a lot of back-and-forth on the part of the MM.

 

This isn't fair or empathetic, nor accurate.

 

Mine was about the same length and TRUST ME, there was plenty of time to get frustrated and hurt, and see hot-cold/back-and-forth from MM.

[Hope Shimmers]

This isn't fair or empathetic, nor accurate.

 

Mine was about the same length and TRUST ME, there was plenty of time to get frustrated and hurt, and see hot-cold/back-and-forth from MM.

 

It might not be fair or accurate compared to some cases, but it was not my intention to be unempathetic. I was not posting to you. Please don't judge my replies.

 

My apologies OP. I was comparing it to my 8+ years, and most of the frustration and push-pull didn't start in my case until well after that point.

[MissBee]

I haven't actually read anything else similar....and I've read a lot The affairs I've read about tend to end because the OW has had enough of being strung along or the MM goes back to fix the problems in his marriage. That's not what is happening here. There's no back and forth in this situation, bottom line is for both of us he can't be with me until he is single. I just haven't read anywhere of a MM doing this...they usually just want to have their cake really. Any relationship breakdown brings turmoil I guess.

 

Hey Bucket,

 

I went back and re-read a couple times because you said you haven't seen anything similar and I was truly trying to figure out what you meant. You said you couldn't deal with the uncertainty and were getting upset and thinking of ending it, sounds to me like what happens in most A scenarios, that to me is just the same as the OW having enough of being strung along. And isn't he ending it to sort through all his problems? I didn't understand the difference between your MM going back to deal with his issues (and you saying he has no back bone) and "other MM" going back to fix their marriage.

 

I guess the way you worded the story initially it sounded like how he told you about his marriage was that both he and his wife want a divorce and it is on it's last leg and any day now they'd both end it mutually since they are living separate lives. Turn around now, it's a case of she doesn't realize, she is indifferent (although she's giving him the silent treatment, that is resentment, not indifference), she needs to decide what she wants. I don't get it...to divorce someone only one person has to agree. If he is done with the marriage, I get it's not easy, but it's not like she has to decide what she wants or anything. It doesn't sound like he's hell bent on divorce if he's trying to communicate and give her options about what she wants to do.

 

In my own A (he wasn't married though), he ultimately decided he couldn't give me what I needed and went NC and we didn't speak for a year. I moved on. Eventually he came back, he had ended his other relationship some time before, I had a bf when he came back. We were in contact on and off sporadically and eventually had a chance to try again, which still didn't end up working out for many reasons.

 

So far though in your story, I have to agree with the other ladies, I'm not seeing what is truly different. It's one of the many versions of MM saying his marriage is over, but clearly it's not quite, and he needs time, and no one knows what will happen, and you got fed up and decided NC is best nut are hoping it is resolved in a favorable way for you two. I wish you all the best and hope it is indeed favorable for you, whatever that may mean!

[RoseVille]

It might not be fair or accurate compared to some cases, but it was not my intention to be unempathetic. I was not posting to you. Please don't judge my replies.

 

My apologies OP. I was comparing it to my 8+ years, and most of the frustration and push-pull didn't start in my case until well after that point.

 

I realize you didn't post directly "to me," but you made a statement minimizing the pain of someone involved as an OW simply based on the length of time. That's not empathetic, and attempts to invalidate the OP's feelings as well as those of anyone in her shoes.

 

I mean, you emphasizing and comparing here your A of 8 years versus hers, it's like you think you deserve a medal or to be at the top of the totem pole, highest ranking OP based on length.

 

Emotional pain is emotional pain. It hurts to be an OW in her shoes.

[RoseVille]

So far though in your story, I have to agree with the other ladies, I'm not seeing what is truly different. It's one of the many versions of MM saying his marriage is over, but clearly it's not quite, and he needs time, and no one knows what will happen, and you got fed up and decided NC is best nut are hoping it is resolved in a favorable way for you two. I wish you all the best and hope it is indeed favorable for you, whatever that may mean!

 

Yes, it's a very common story. If a few details were changed (if he had kids and had been married longer), I'd have a moment of worry that our MMs were the same!

 

I hope it works out favorably for Bucket, too! However that happens... (because in her shoes, I don't know how that happens, yet....)

[MissBee]

This isn't fair or empathetic, nor accurate.

 

Mine was about the same length and TRUST ME, there was plenty of time to get frustrated and hurt, and see hot-cold/back-and-forth from MM.

 

She wasn't talking about yours though.

 

The OP said there was no push and pull in HER scenario which is why it's different and I think Hope was saying that the longer an A goes on the more time one has to be fed up. This is logical. It's not that you have to be or there for sure will be, but chances are a 5 month A for example versus a 3 year one...the latter has more opportunities to get to the point of push and pull simply because that's more time and investment.

[RoseVille]

She wasn't talking about yours though.

 

The OP said there was no push and pull in HER scenario which is why it's different and I think Hope was saying that the longer an A goes on the more time one has to be fed up. This is logical. It's not that you have to be or there for sure will be, but chances are a 5 month A for example versus a 3 year one...the latter has more opportunities to get to the point of push and pull simply because that's more time and investment.

 

I realize she wasn't talking about mine, she was talking about the OPs, but mine was of the same length. And we experienced the same thing.

 

That's not at all how it came across, but I'll accept your interpretation.

[Hope Shimmers]

She wasn't talking about yours though.

 

The OP said there was no push and pull in HER scenario which is why it's different and I think Hope was saying that the longer an A goes on the more time one has to be fed up. This is logical. It's not that you have to be or there for sure will be, but chances are a 5 month A for example versus a 3 year one...the latter has more opportunities to get to the point of push and pull simply because that's more time and investment.

 

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say!

[MissBee]

I realize you didn't post directly "to me," but you made a statement minimizing the pain of someone involved as an OW simply based on the length of time. That's not empathetic, and attempts to invalidate the OP's feelings as well as those of anyone in her shoes.

 

I mean, you emphasizing and comparing here your A of 8 years versus hers, it's like you think you deserve a medal or to be at the top of the totem pole, highest ranking OP based on length.

 

Emotional pain is emotional pain. It hurts to be an OW in her shoes.

 

Although Hope can speak for herself, I don't think you've understood her response correctly.

 

She wasn't minimizing Bucket's pain, she was responding to Bucket saying that she hasn't seen a situation like hers before as most situations she has read include the MM stringing the OW along and she doesn't feel like she's been strung along. Hope was saying that since the A was so short the time span to get greatly frustrated and go through all the back and forth was way less (fortunately) so that's also likely why she feels like she hasn't been strung along. None of that is about pain or minimizing pain, it's strictly a response to saying what time difference might mean in terms of opportunities for being strung along.

 

I must add to that, directed at Bucket: I presume you've just started NC. I think you have to be careful during this time because it can also be the beginning of the push and pull where this is where it takes the turn and MM decides to pop back up without his situation being resolved, you resume the A because you miss him, and then it slides into the usual A pattern of MM saying he will be divorced in some uncertain time and you are in the A waiting for it to happen and so starts the longer time span of frustration and push and pull.

[GoldieLox]

I just haven't read anywhere of a MM doing this...they usually just want to have their cake really. Any relationship breakdown brings turmoil I guess.

 

I agree with Popsicle, who said to look deeper into these threads. A lot of the MM we speak about here are absolutely cake eaters. A lot them aren't. I initially thought I was with one and it turned out to be the exact opposite. After hot and cold, push and pull for months on end, he finally ended it a final time because he had his kids to worry about. Not exactly the same situation as yours, but not a cake-eater either. You know what he said to me on the last night? "I love my wife, but..." and is just trailed off. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is 100% invested in their marriage to me, does it? The point is, this guy you speak of may not be 100% invested in his marriage, but he knows he needs to at least try and fix it. If it falls apart and ends, then it does. It's something he needs to figure out for himself.

[Bucket]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I don't really see anything very different either.

 

The A was very short; just a few months. There wasn't really time to get to the point of OW frustration or a lot of back-and-forth on the part of the MM.

 

What he said to you as his reasons just sounds like a normal variation of what they all say. It may be the actual literal truth or it may be worded in such a way as to make you feel better or that he thought you would accept with the least amount of drama.

 

As for all that is going on in his marriage, you only have his word on that. I know you think he doesn't lie - we all thought that - but he could very well be filtering or padding information that he is feeding you about the marriage. He may truly want to fix it, or maybe he was just looking for an easy way out of the affair.

 

I was definitely frustrated! :S I think it is the literal truth, however I'm not silly enough to think I know everything that is going on behind closed doors (silly enough to get involved nonetheless!). I don't think he's ever lied outright per say, but you're right I do believe he has filtered information regarding things, specifically regarding exactly why he hasn't left and the "issues" he has to resolve.

 

 

I don't think he is doing this to work on fixing the marriage, that's not the impression I got from what he said, but may be I have misinterpreted. From what he said it was he needs the space to work through his marriage ending the right way and deal with all the ensuing complications. Whenever that happens he hopes I'll reconsider but in the meantime I have to move on. I've specifically asked should he decide to fix things that he be brutally honest about that because it will help me move on quicker. I do believe him that he will. He wouldn't want me to be hanging on to any conscious or unconscious hope. No way. And that's why I'm conflicted I guess, although there's no way in hell I'm going back to an affair (and neither would he ask me to) I feel there's part of me that can't shut the door until I know one way other. I suppose that'll get easier over time.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I have to say your story is pretty much like many others here. If he and the wife led such seperate lives, it seems odd that she's blindsided. Is he really being honest with you about the state of his marriage? Does he want to work on his marriage?

 

Regardless of anything else, this would be a marriage easier to leave than one with kids and property.

 

Keep NC.

[GoldieLox]

From what he said it was he needs the space to work through his marriage ending the right way and deal with all the ensuing complications.

 

*If* this is true... consider yourself lucky. I know that sounds snarky, but we've heard stories of the OW getting dragged into ending marriages to the point of some heavy harassment and even court orders being filed. That's the extreme, but it's an unnecessary emotional burden you don't need right now.

 

Let this guy figure his head out. If his marriage really does end, and it's meant to be, he'll come back.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, one of the posters here twisted my words and I want to correct any misinterpretation. My comment about affair length was not meant to suggest that it is any less painful because it was shorter. It was only meant to suggest that the longer they go on, the more likely the push-pull and OW frustration is to occur.

 

I mean, you emphasizing and comparing here your A of 8 years versus hers, it's like you think you deserve a medal or to be at the top of the totem pole, highest ranking OP based on length.

 

You need to back off.

 

You have no idea what my situation is or who I am, and you are so far off base it's laughable.

[MuddyRock]

Him telling you to not wait is conflict avoided speak for he isn't leaving. Someone actively knowing they will get the ball rolling would t be telling someone they supposedly want to be with its ok if they move on.

 

These MM are good at lying. They lie to themselves when they compartmentalize.

How long have they been married? What does married for the wrong reasons mean? She wasn't pregnant so that is the run around right there.

[RoseVille]

I agree with Popsicle, who said to look deeper into these threads. A lot of the MM we speak about here are absolutely cake eaters. A lot them aren't. I initially thought I was with one and it turned out to be the exact opposite. After hot and cold, push and pull for months on end, he finally ended it a final time because he had his kids to worry about. Not exactly the same situation as yours, but not a cake-eater either. You know what he said to me on the last night? "I love my wife, but..." and is just trailed off. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is 100% invested in their marriage to me, does it? The point is, this guy you speak of may not be 100% invested in his marriage, but he knows he needs to at least try and fix it. If it falls apart and ends, then it does. It's something he needs to figure out for himself.

 

Yup.

 

Mine said, "I care about her, she's not a bad person, she's a good mom, I don't want to hurt her. And I need my kids. I can't be without them. So I have to make it work, even if I have to accept the things that make me unhappy."

 

Never used the word "love" when talking about her, only the kids.

 

Didn't use that word with me either, though.

 

In any event, he's not fully invested either. The A itself shows that.

 

But I want him to get his head on straight, himself.

[RoseVille]

OP, one of the posters here twisted my words and I want to correct any misinterpretation. My comment about affair length was not meant to suggest that it is any less painful because it was shorter. It was only meant to suggest that the longer they go on, the more likely the push-pull and OW frustration is to occur.

 

 

 

You need to back off.

 

You have no idea what my situation is or who I am, and you are so far off base it's laughable.

 

I only go by what I've read here, what you've posted. Same as you when reading my posts, that's all you have to go by when assessing me and my situation.

[Bucket]

*If* this is true... consider yourself lucky. I know that sounds snarky, but we've heard stories of the OW getting dragged into ending marriages to the point of some heavy harassment and even court orders being filed. That's the extreme, but it's an unnecessary emotional burden you don't need right now.

 

Let this guy figure his head out. If his marriage really does end, and it's meant to be, he'll come back.

 

Yes, I think I am lucky, and it could be so much worse. He does need to sort his head out and most of me trusts that this is not because he's being an arse but he's actually finally faced up to the fact he HAS to deal with the marriage first before he can have a relationship. It took a while. However, for 2 of the 5 months we weren't seeing each other either, holidays or whatever, so in the scheme of things that realisation has come fairly quickly. Whichever way that goes can only be a good thing.

 

 

Thanks for all your comments. I know it hasn't been years or anything like that but I still fell hard. And although I don't feel like I've been misled, well most of me doesn't, it's pretty tough to get my head around the way we ended it which pretty much left a massive open door. Just wanted to get it out really.

 

 

I don't think he has ended it with a view to making the marriage work, however I know that this is a distinct possibility. He clearly still feels obligated to his wife whatever the state of their relationship, or at least in as much as he wants an amicable separation. I think he has tried to make it work and communicate in the past, several times. I also know that they are based in two different places, and she is on a temporary placement where we live which is due to end in a couple of months. She could extend for one more year, but whatever is going on they have no choice but to address their marriage and decide on a way forwards right now.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, I think I am lucky, and it could be so much worse. He does need to sort his head out and most of me trusts that this is not because he's being an arse but he's actually finally faced up to the fact he HAS to deal with the marriage first before he can have a relationship. It took a while. However, for 2 of the 5 months we weren't seeing each other either, holidays or whatever, so in the scheme of things that realisation has come fairly quickly. Whichever way that goes can only be a good thing.

 

 

Thanks for all your comments. I know it hasn't been years or anything like that but I still fell hard. And although I don't feel like I've been misled, well most of me doesn't, it's pretty tough to get my head around the way we ended it which pretty much left a massive open door. Just wanted to get it out really.

 

 

I don't think he has ended it with a view to making the marriage work, however I know that this is a distinct possibility. He clearly still feels obligated to his wife whatever the state of their relationship, or at least in as much as he wants an amicable separation. I think he has tried to make it work and communicate in the past, several times. I also know that they are based in two different places, and she is on a temporary placement where we live which is due to end in a couple of months. She could extend for one more year, but whatever is going on they have no choice but to address their marriage and decide on a way forwards right now.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that this very well may not be over yet. This may just be the start of the push-pull back and forth thing. He goes back to fix his M or whatever he's doing... and the next step is that he reaches out again.