MM ends affair to do things the right way?

[GoldieLox]

 

Thanks for all your comments. I know it hasn't been years or anything like that but I still fell hard. And although I don't feel like I've been misled, well most of me doesn't, it's pretty tough to get my head around the way we ended it which pretty much left a massive open door. Just wanted to get it out really.

 

I think the best thing for you to do would be to mentally shut that door. I know, it's a LOT easier said than done. If you're having a hard time with it, maybe seek some counseling, as many of us on here do/have done. The longer that door stays open, the more miserable you're going to be. For now, I would just forget about him, not an option. As I said before, let him get his $hit together, if that's really what's going on. In the meantime, you do you. Date around. Maybe you'll find someone you actually like!

[RoseVille]

I was definitely frustrated! :S

 

Because it's frustrating! I so feel your pain!

 

I don't think he is doing this to work on fixing the marriage, that's not the impression I got from what he said, but may be I have misinterpreted. From what he said it was he needs the space to work through his marriage ending the right way and deal with all the ensuing complications. Whenever that happens he hopes I'll reconsider but in the meantime I have to move on. I've specifically asked should he decide to fix things that he be brutally honest about that because it will help me move on quicker. I do believe him that he will. He wouldn't want me to be hanging on to any conscious or unconscious hope. No way. And that's why I'm conflicted I guess, although there's no way in hell I'm going back to an affair (and neither would he ask me to) I feel there's part of me that can't shut the door until I know one way other. I suppose that'll get easier over time.

 

I agree with MuddyRock about this, it's inconsistent.

 

If he were truly planning on ending his marriage and the time he needs is just to deal with the process and the fallout, he'd be asking you to wait.

 

He's not. He's telling you to not wait for him. That tells me he wants to work on the marriage, he wants do find a way to stay and be happy.

 

I feel you on not wanting to shut the door until you know. My MM told me he doesn't want me to wait while he works on his marriage; while he doesn't know if his efforts to repair his M will be successful, he hopes it will, and has no idea how long it will take to figure out if it's gonna work or not. Realistically, that could be weeks, could be months - which I could handle - or it could be years, or even decades - h.e.ll no.

[beach]

I was definitely frustrated! :S I think it is the literal truth, however I'm not silly enough to think I know everything that is going on behind closed doors (silly enough to get involved nonetheless!). I don't think he's ever lied outright per say, but you're right I do believe he has filtered information regarding things, specifically regarding exactly why he hasn't left and the "issues" he has to resolve.

 

 

I don't think he is doing this to work on fixing the marriage, that's not the impression I got from what he said, but may be I have misinterpreted. From what he said it was he needs the space to work through his marriage ending the right way and deal with all the ensuing complications. Whenever that happens he hopes I'll reconsider but in the meantime I have to move on. I've specifically asked should he decide to fix things that he be brutally honest about that because it will help me move on quicker. I do believe him that he will. He wouldn't want me to be hanging on to any conscious or unconscious hope. No way. And that's why I'm conflicted I guess, although there's no way in hell I'm going back to an affair (and neither would he ask me to) I feel there's part of me that can't shut the door until I know one way other. I suppose that'll get easier over time.

 

 

 

 

A man looking to end his M files for divorce. Even in the most complicated marriages.

 

He said he was working on the M yet he gave you massages? Why would you allow him to caress your body all over when he's attempting to figure out about his M?

 

 

He isn't available. Until his divorce is final - he's still married.

 

Go back and read your first few paragraphs - there are so many contradictions you've written.

 

He's manipulated you into thinking "maybe" he will divorce. But he hasn't done one thing to take action to divorce. He only took action to cheat on his wife.

 

I don't think he is a prize like you think he is.

 

What are you doing for yourself? To heal and to move past this guy who played you so well that you believed him?

[GoldieLox]

In reference to Hope's post above about the push/pull behavior... that's why it's so important to mentally shut that door. MM usually (not always, but usually) fall into a pattern of behavioral like this. So now you have a guy who's trying to fix his marriage WHILE having an OW. Not healthy for anyone. Take care of yourself first, let him take care of his crap. It's not yours to deal with.

[RoseVille]

Bucket, read my thread "My story - he ended it, I think"

 

He left a door for me, too. I think I've got to mentally shut it. You should too.

[Bucket]

Him telling you to not wait is conflict avoided speak for he isn't leaving. Someone actively knowing they will get the ball rolling would t be telling someone they supposedly want to be with its ok if they move on.

 

These MM are good at lying. They lie to themselves when they compartmentalize.

How long have they been married? What does married for the wrong reasons mean? She wasn't pregnant so that is the run around right there.

 

 

Well I think he probably wants me wait, but we both agreed that would not be fair. He knows I won't too! He always did the typical thing of getting jealous and wanting me not to see other people and each time I would tell him he was ridiculous. Bottom line, at this point, I have to move on as much as I can with my life whatever the outcome is. Staying in contact is causes too much drama. I need a clean slate before I can have a relationship with anyone in the future including him.

 

 

He's been a bit conflicted about the waiting around thing too. He said if I didn't hope we would work things out down the line then he wasn't asking me to wait around either. When I said I don't really know what waiting around means, he said that he wasn't going to get upset or angry if I was dating or whatever else because I was single and that's what I'm supposed to be doing. However he wouldn't stop me if I chose not too.

[Popsicle]

Well I think he probably wants me wait, but we both agreed that would not be fair. He knows I won't too! He always did the typical thing of getting jealous and wanting me not to see other people and each time I would tell him he was ridiculous. Bottom line, at this point, I have to move on as much as I can with my life whatever the outcome is. Staying in contact is causes too much drama. I need a clean slate before I can have a relationship with anyone in the future including him.

 

 

He's been a bit conflicted about the waiting around thing too. He said if I didn't hope we would work things out down the line then he wasn't asking me to wait around either. When I said I don't really know what waiting around means, he said that he wasn't going to get upset or angry if I was dating or whatever else because I was single and that's what I'm supposed to be doing. However he wouldn't stop me if I chose not too.

 

I got this same speech and I think your conclusions are dead on.

[RoseVille]

This type of MM is a cake eater of a different variety.

 

Most cake eaters just want their perfect life at home and their bit on the side.

 

This MM, like mine I think, is essentially looking for a backup plan/ease in transition. He's unhappy in his M, so he explores to see what else is out there. Is there a taste of something that tells him yes, there's a chance of happiness outside the M if the M breaks apart? Yes. But they're so tangled in their marriages (the entire family unit, the kids, the house, the extended family), that deciding to leave would be very very hard. So, they'll give it the old college try and try to make it work... all while building themselves a nice little soft place to land if it doesn't with the OW, who most likely will just be there as a transitional person anyway.

[RoseVille]

I got this same speech and I think your conclusions are dead on.

 

Same.

 

They must have a script they follow...

[elaine567]

I don't think he is doing this to work on fixing the marriage, that's not the impression I got from what he said, but may be I have misinterpreted. From what he said it was he needs the space to work through his marriage ending the right way and deal with all the ensuing complications. Whenever that happens he hopes I'll reconsider but in the meantime I have to move on. I've specifically asked should he decide to fix things that he be brutally honest about that because it will help me move on quicker. I do believe him that he will. He wouldn't want me to be hanging on to any conscious or unconscious hope. No way. And that's why I'm conflicted I guess, although there's no way in hell I'm going back to an affair (and neither would he ask me to) I feel there's part of me that can't shut the door until I know one way other. I suppose that'll get easier over time.

 

Maybe this is just a variation on the classic break up theme of high school daters.

 

I love you, but this is not the right time for us. We may meet in a few years time and get back together, but do not wait for me.

I just need to experience life for myself, but I want you to be happy and have a nice life.

[beach]

Well I think he probably wants me wait, but we both agreed that would not be fair. He knows I won't too! He always did the typical thing of getting jealous and wanting me not to see other people and each time I would tell him he was ridiculous. Bottom line, at this point, I have to move on as much as I can with my life whatever the outcome is. Staying in contact is causes too much drama. I need a clean slate before I can have a relationship with anyone in the future including him.

 

 

He's been a bit conflicted about the waiting around thing too. He said if I didn't hope we would work things out down the line then he wasn't asking me to wait around either. When I said I don't really know what waiting around means, he said that he wasn't going to get upset or angry if I was dating or whatever else because I was single and that's what I'm supposed to be doing. However he wouldn't stop me if I chose not too.

 

 

 

But he is waiting on his wife to decide, right?

 

So essentially, you are waiting on him and he is waiting on her for that decision...

 

So you truly are twice removed from anything changing. He's a coward. IF he intended to divorce he would be the one to take SOLID action on it and make sure it happens - but he hasn't.

 

In the meantime you have waited. So stop waiting.

 

He isn't likely to divorce. He is likely to keep you hanging on by a thread as long as you hang around the perimeter.

 

 

ANY man who truly desires to end any M makes it happen. He's not doing a thing to that goal - in fact, he's told you he's trying to figure out how to make the M work.

 

He can make it work - but IF he were truly doing that - he wouldn't be asking you to wait now, would he?

 

And waiting? You could be waiting for 20 years... Mainly because a guy like that doesn't take charge to change things - he's leaving it up to his wife - who doesn't even know he's been betraying her.

 

Do you want to be his wife? Is that what you wish for? God, I hope not - because that's exactly what he would give to you too.

[Popsicle]

Same.

 

They must have a script they follow...

 

 

lol

 

Popsicle

[Bucket]

A man looking to end his M files for divorce. Even in the most complicated marriages.

 

He said he was working on the M yet he gave you massages? Why would you allow him to caress your body all over when he's attempting to figure out about his M?

 

 

He isn't available. Until his divorce is final - he's still married.

 

Go back and read your first few paragraphs - there are so many contradictions you've written.

 

He's manipulated you into thinking "maybe" he will divorce. But he hasn't done one thing to take action to divorce. He only took action to cheat on his wife.

 

I don't think he is a prize like you think he is.

 

What are you doing for yourself? To heal and to move past this guy who played you so well that you believed him?

 

 

 

Haha, did I write massages?! I mean't messages!

[RoseVille]

lol

 

Popsicle

 

Maybe they post it on some MM website, spread it around, rate how well it works to maintain their OW waiting in the wings.

 

"Nah man, you gotta keep using the phrase 'for now' so that it leaves some hope that in the future you might be available. It works because it keeps her hooked, just in case you get bored at home again she'll be there! But we know that the situation 'right now' ain't ever gonna change..."

[Popsicle]

Haha, did I write massages?! I mean't messages!

 

That would have been a GREAT Freudian slip.

[beach]

Sorry - I misread - you did say messages.

 

 

Do you realize you explained to a married man that you wanted to be exclusive? How is that possible when he is married?

 

All of the things that you have designed and decided on for YOUR happiness have shattered your boundary.

 

 

That should tell you that he isn't right for what you've been looking for.

 

He's offered you no solution.

 

 

Now you're just looking to settle - that's not ideal.

 

 

Did you have sex with him?

[Bucket]

But he is waiting on his wife to decide, right?

 

 

So essentially, you are waiting on him and he is waiting on her for that decision...

 

So you truly are twice removed from anything changing. He's a coward. IF he intended to divorce he would be the one to take SOLID action on it and make sure it happens - but he hasn't.

 

In the meantime you have waited. So stop waiting.

 

He isn't likely to divorce. He is likely to keep you hanging on by a thread as long as you hang around the perimeter.

 

 

ANY man who truly desires to end any M makes it happen. He's not doing a thing to that goal - in fact, he's told you he's trying to figure out how to make the M work.

 

He can make it work - but IF he were truly doing that - he wouldn't be asking you to wait now, would he?

 

And waiting? You could be waiting for 20 years... Mainly because a guy like that doesn't take charge to change things - he's leaving it up to his wife - who doesn't even know he's been betraying her.

 

Do you want to be his wife? Is that what you wish for? God, I hope not - because that's exactly what he would give to you too.

 

 

 

Well, I'm going to try not to wait...but yes, that is how it is. At least I think he's being too cowardly to take solid action and yes he's hoping she'll take action first, or at least he has said that its more getting her to understand how bad things have got and that they want completely different things.

 

 

And he's not asking me to wait because he knows he's a coward I suppose but as far as I know, and as I said previously, this is not about figuring out how to make the marriage work at all. I'm not trying to defend his actions. He needs to get a backbone.

[DKT3]

I realize she wasn't talking about mine, she was talking about the OPs, but mine was of the same length. And we experienced the same thing.

 

That's not at all how it came across, but I'll accept your interpretation.

 

I'm sorry but there is no way to compare a few months with a decade. No way you've had time to experience the depth of the connection those women had. Its like saying that a relationship of a few months compares to one of a decade, oh wait that is what your saying.

 

This isn't about who hurts more. What Hope and others are saying is that its likely not over, that her MM will be back (as will yours) to suck you back in. Its a pattern that will continue if you and OP allow it to.

 

I don't think your experience gives you the insight to judge these others. There is no way for a man isolated on an island for a week to know what one who has been there for a year is going through or has gone through.

[beach]

Evidently it isn't bad enough for him to divorce her - only bad enough for him to cheat on her.

 

What is appealing about a man with that level of lack of character?

[RoseVille]

I'm sorry but there is no way to compare a few months with a decade. No way you've had time to experience the depth of the connection those women had. Its like saying that a relationship of a few months compares to one of a decade, oh wait that is what your saying.

 

This isn't about who hurts more. What Hope and others are saying is that its likely not over, that her MM will be back (as will yours) to suck you back in. Its a pattern that will continue if you and OP allow it to.

 

I don't think your experience gives you the insight to judge these others. There is no way for a man isolated on an island for a week to know what one who has been there for a year is going through or has gone through.

 

Okay, so one's emotional pain is based on time. And some of us are deserving of claiming more pain than others.

 

Got it.

[Bucket]

Sorry - I misread - you did say messages.

 

 

Do you realize you explained to a married man that you wanted to be exclusive? How is that possible when he is married?

 

All of the things that you have designed and decided on for YOUR happiness have shattered your boundary.

 

 

That should tell you that he isn't right for what you've been looking for.

 

He's offered you no solution.

 

 

Now you're just looking to settle - that's not ideal.

 

 

Did you have sex with him?

 

 

I mean when we were friends, I had been very clear on what I was looking for. I'm not saying I didn't shatter personal boundaries at all. We all get caught up in stuff and don't see it clearly. This is a man who clearly wants a happy relationship but apparently doesn't have the balls to leave the happy one right now. He's just been burying his head in the sand until recently. I doubt very much in time I would want to be with him, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

[beach]

Your goal was an exclusive R.

 

It's the same as wanting prime rib but you go to a burger joint.

 

 

You can't get the steak you're looking for but you keep ordering the burger since the prime rib isn't offered to you.

[beach]

I mean when we were friends, I had been very clear on what I was looking for. I'm not saying I didn't shatter personal boundaries at all. We all get caught up in stuff and don't see it clearly. This is a man who clearly wants a happy relationship but apparently doesn't have the balls to leave the happy one right now. He's just been burying his head in the sand until recently. I doubt very much in time I would want to be with him, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

 

 

 

You didn't answer - did you have sex with him?

[RoseVille]

Well, I'm going to try not to wait...but yes, that is how it is. At least I think he's being too cowardly to take solid action and yes he's hoping she'll take action first, or at least he has said that its more getting her to understand how bad things have got and that they want completely different things.

 

 

And he's not asking me to wait because he knows he's a coward I suppose but as far as I know, and as I said previously, this is not about figuring out how to make the marriage work at all. I'm not trying to defend his actions. He needs to get a backbone.

 

The way he's putting the ball in his wife's court is very strange and inconsistent to everything else he's told you.

[elaine567]

He needs to get a backbone.

And so do you.

Make that decision for him.

Nothing good will come of this for you, unless you walk away.