MM ends affair to do things the right way?

[Bucket]

He's only been married 6.5 years. No kids, no common property ties...

 

He's standing there stating he isn't satisfied with his wife/marriage. She doesn't sound like she is all in either. HE is the owner of that. Yet he hasn't changed it... He's still "waiting for her" to do the changing.

 

 

And now he's got you in the distance - yet he hasn't let go of the M.

 

 

 

Ya know, there are people in life that make change happen. There are those who wait to see what changes others bring to them. He is the latter.

 

 

IF he divorces - it's not going to be because he took control and charge of HIS life. It's going to be that he followed her lead. The wife is in charge. He's just acting whimpy.

 

 

He may say he wants you - but he hasn't done the work that proves it to be real.

 

 

Why did his first M end? Who initiated that divorce?

 

 

I completely agree with you. All I know is that they married young, and it took a long time, with a couple of periods of trial separation before they mutually agreed they couldn't see eye to eye on anything.

 

 

No, he hasn't done the work and I am done with it, but it's been really helpful to discuss it on her. It's kind of cemented what I'm constantly trying to convince myself of!

[Popsicle]

I would say that he is probably more unsure about leaving than he thinks. He may truly think that he is sure he wants to leave, but some of his words and his actions are revealing someone who is unsure. He may not even realize this himself, he hasn't worked it out. Emotions are hard for many people to navigate, most especially for men who are not used to immersing in them and getting to the bottom of them. He probably doesn't even know if the cause of these feelings are coming from somewhere within himself or from his wife. He has a lot to work through. And although I know that this is entirely unromantic, and dare I say, devastating for you and your love, he can not be the type of man you need until he works through these things without you.

 

As it is, he is doing a fine job of destroying both relationships! You need a man who is whole with an open heart and an available for sale sign.

[jellybean89]

You seem to know a lot about their relationship.

 

Have you considered how disrespectful that is to her?

 

How would you like being his wife - and find out that your H has shared very personal info about the life together with an outside woman?

 

That just makes him not nice.

 

Yeah, you've "known" this MM for 5 months (been in an affair with him)..you have no idea what his wife is like, what she thinks, how she acts, what she wants, what she has/hasn't done....you are making a lot of assumptions based on words from a liar?

 

You also stated you wanted an exclusive relationship with him..how exactly do you think you are going to get that from a married man? Its not like he is going to tell you when he makes love to his wife, its not like he is going to tell you about their intimate details....he is telling you things to keep you interested and wanting you to 'compete' for him. He wants sympathy and sex; he will tell you whatever he needs to to accomplish those goals.

 

Unless you speak directly with the wife, I'd take what he says about his marriage and his wife with a grain of salt and stop thinking it is the truth. And if the marriage is as 'rocky' as he claims, go ask his wife. First you say they both know the marriage has issues and then that she was blindsided...can't be both. Guess MM thinks you aren't smart enough to see he is talking out of both ends of his butt.

 

Its only been 5 months - move on. I agree with Hope and DKT -- the time involved is nothing compared to so many others on here ...it would be different if you were dating a guy for 5 months - but this isn't dating - it's an affair. Outside of work, how much time did you actually spend with him - in person (not texting)?

[Bucket]

I would say that he is probably more unsure about leaving than he thinks. He may truly think that he is sure he wants to leave, but some of his words and his actions are revealing someone who is unsure. He may not even realize this himself, he hasn't worked it out. Emotions are hard for many people to navigate, most especially for men who are not used to immersing in them and getting to the bottom of them. He probably doesn't even know if the cause of these feelings are coming from somewhere within himself or from his wife. He has a lot to work through. And although I know that this is entirely unromantic, and dare I say, devastating for you and your love, he can not be the type of man you need until he works through these things without you.

 

As it is, he is doing a fine job of destroying both relationships! You need a man who is whole with an open heart and an available for sale sign.

 

I really think this hits the nail right on the head, it resonates with me completely. As the situation was becoming more "real" so to speak, it seems that he hasn't worked it out at all. In the beginning when he didn't have to confront those feelings he was confident and obviously now when he has begun to face them it's a murky pool indeed.

[Bucket]

Yeah, you've "known" this MM for 5 months (been in an affair with him)..you have no idea what his wife is like, what she thinks, how she acts, what she wants, what she has/hasn't done....you are making a lot of assumptions based on words from a liar?

 

You also stated you wanted an exclusive relationship with him..how exactly do you think you are going to get that from a married man? Its not like he is going to tell you when he makes love to his wife, its not like he is going to tell you about their intimate details....he is telling you things to keep you interested and wanting you to 'compete' for him. He wants sympathy and sex; he will tell you whatever he needs to to accomplish those goals.

 

Unless you speak directly with the wife, I'd take what he says about his marriage and his wife with a grain of salt and stop thinking it is the truth. And if the marriage is as 'rocky' as he claims, go ask his wife. First you say they both know the marriage has issues and then that she was blindsided...can't be both. Guess MM thinks you aren't smart enough to see he is talking out of both ends of his butt.

 

Its only been 5 months - move on. I agree with Hope and DKT -- the time involved is nothing compared to so many others on here ...it would be different if you were dating a guy for 5 months - but this isn't dating - it's an affair. Outside of work, how much time did you actually spend with him - in person (not texting)?

 

Yes, I take the things I have written here with a grain of salt. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of everything, I am only sharing the information I have been given. Aside from that, when I said initially that they were living separate lives, that is for the most part true. That's not because he's told me that, it's clear for all to see. I don't know if she was or wasn't blindsided, again that's only what I've been told. From what I can see, their communication has completely broken down so if one or the other had issues they wouldn't confront them. They just go about their lives and ignore them. However, again, this is only speculation on my part.

 

Yes it's only been 5 months and I already said I'm moving on. I'm certainly not saying it compares to so many others on here, i have never said that, I just wanted to discuss it!! How much time did I spend with him? Probably 3 nights a week, plus a few weekends away including birthdays and what not. When we weren't together, we would be in constant communication. There was never a time we weren't in touch. It wasn't like he would go incommunicado or anything at any time. We'd text all evening every evening. He's pretty much been devoting all his attention in to this affair and avoiding dealing with whatever it is that's going on at home I guess.

[Bucket]

One of the things that stood out for me from these posts was in relation to the waiting/not waiting thing and obviously that's the biggest conflict in my mind going forwards. He knows if he asked me to wait any longer I wouldn't, I'd tell him where to go, and I also don't believe that in 5 months our relationship has reached a point where either of us would know for sure that we would want to be together long term even had we been single - so I wouldn't expect him to ask me to wait.

I wasn't realistic in regards to most of it, but I never figured he'd leave for me, I wouldn't particularly want that either. He needs to leave for himself. I did actually say before NC when I was being emotional about it, that I figured what he was trying to tell me was that he was now trying work on fixing his marriage. His reaction was one of complete annoyance, a bit like Wtf, you got that from our conversation, I don't think so. So he is sending very mixed messages, and I'm not sure it's as clear cut as if he was definitely ending the marriage that he would ask me to wait. May be I'm completely wrong. I just can't see any logical reason for asking me to wait around right now and I think the only way going forwards is for him to deal with the two things entirely separately (as in not having the pressure of someone waiting) and for me to move on so I don't build up resentment waiting in the sidelines as someone else put it.

[Popsicle]

I really think this hits the nail right on the head, it resonates with me completely. As the situation was becoming more "real" so to speak, it seems that he hasn't worked it out at all. In the beginning when he didn't have to confront those feelings he was confident and obviously now when he has begun to face them it's a murky pool indeed.

 

Mine was the same way. Confident and even annoyed at my suggestion that he may not be able to do something with me he kept promising me for a year. I never believed him but didn't tell him that. Here we are 3 years later and he still hasn't done it.

Edited May 10, 2015 by Popsicle

[sandylee1]

But you just said that length of a relationship has nothing to do with emotional connection.

 

The truth is that MM may say they are unhappily married, but it's not likely to be the whole story, and maybe not even true.

 

I agree that the longer the relationship, the deeper the emotional bond and connection. That's why some BS s find it easier to reconcile after a brief affair Vs long term.