what is the best way to go NC

[jbrent890]

I know that by confessing, would be the only way to completely move on. I get that, I really do. But I'm not holding back to protect myself. I'm holding back to protect my husband, my kids and mm family. You said it yourself, you're a victim of a family that was split up because of infidelity. Why should I put my kids through what you went through? I know, I should've thought about this before the affair, but crazy minds don't work like that.

 

My youngest daughter has many special needs. And on top of that, she literally only talks to me and my other two daughters. And they are, let's just say , behaviorally challenged, and are in therapy for their issues. What would happen if their mother was taken away? I'd say that would probably be a recipe for disaster. There is no doubt in my mind if my husband found out, he would take my kids away from me.

 

This is one of my many reasons why I'm not going to confess. I'd rather live in fear everyday of him confessing, then to come clean with something that maybe will just be put to rest.

 

If divorce ever happened, there is no court system that will take your children away from you because you cheated. Your husband would have to prove you are either neglectful or a danger to the children. At best he would get 50/50 custody. Not to mention because you don't have a job, he would be paying you a fortune in alimony and child support. If he did want to divorce, any lawyer worth their salt would convince him to work it out because a divorce from you would financially ruin him.

 

Frankly I don't think you keeping this to yourself matters. I don't see any world where he does not find this out one day. It's just too close home. Again, if you did this with some stranger who lived hundreds of miles away, you would be in the clear. Sadly this isn't the case. Either you or MM is going to give it away some how. Your guilt or his cockiness is going to be your downfall. I'm sorry Nikki. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you are living in a fantasy world if you think this is just going to go away. This is never going to go away.

[Popsicle]

Nikki, you are not as imprisoned in your marriage as you think you are. I suspect you are acting this way because you have some feeling for both men. I don't foresee you ever leaving or your husband ever leaving you (he hasn't yet after all this) or, I hate to say it, you stopping your A's either.

[Satu]

This all going to come out into the open eventually.

[Sub]

Recently, I've told my husband that I crave attention from men. He is aware of this. Hates it, but he says he trusts that i wont act out on it. (Ugh)

Unfortunately, it's just going to get "worse", or harder to hear these things. We've been here before. It's very hard to give advice when the resolution you admit would be most effective is off the table. NC is impossible in this case IMO, barring you or the MM moving away.

 

And you are holding back to protect yourself, not your family. You said it, that you're not telling because you think your H will take your girls away from you. It's disingenuous to admit you're an "addict", yet think the best thing for your family is to keep the addiction hidden. If you truly feel that there is a deep-seeded issue here within yourself, you're going to have to keep communicating with your H about this craving you have for attention.

 

What do you say when he says he trusts you won't act on it?

[Bittersweetie]

I have to agree with jbrent, I've read your threads over time and I'm not sure if you will make effective changes unless there is a d-day. I was a WS. I can see now I was addicted to xOM...thinking about him. Any little bit gave me a rush I craved. The A ended but I have no doubt that I would have continued reaching out to him (or others) over time if I didn't have a d-day.

 

After d-day, I made the choice to live authentically for myself. Not for my H or anyone else. You have to make the choice to change for yourself. Yes, those changes may include a d-day in which your marriage ends and you only have your daughters 50% of the time. But what is the alternative? Continuing to deal with this tool that one could not even call a real man. Continuing to lie to your H and your family. Continuing to crave a rush that is not healthy for you.

 

Sometimes you just have to put your cards on the table.

 

I know the addiction is hard. I've been there. Even today I still occasionally crave that rush feeling. But I made the choice to live honestly and authentically so I choose not to give in. I redirect myself (usually to chocolate or a glass of wine...or both). I don't go talking to other dads at my son's school or something similar.

 

You have the power to make changes in your life. All of the things going on in your life are not going to just disappear as much as you would like it too. I am sorry, but that is the truth.

 

I really hope for the best for you. Good luck.

[sammy7111]

Why is he so bad and such a scum when you are cheating with him. What makes you better then him. The only good person. In this is your husband.

[nikki76]

Why is he so bad and such a scum when you are cheating with him. What makes you better then him. The only good person. In this is your husband.

 

I don't disagree. We are both at fault and bad people that did a horrible thing.

 

I'm better then him because realize I have a problem and I'm doing my best to fix it. He's a piece of crap because he' doesnt realize he has a problem and he would keep on playing games with me as long as I would let him.

[RoseVille]

I don't disagree. We are both at fault and bad people that did a horrible thing.

 

I'm better then him because realize I have a problem and I'm doing my best to fix it. He's a piece of crap because he' doesnt realize he has a problem and he would keep on playing games with me as long as I would let him.

 

Why would anyone in a complicated situation think they're a piece of crap who needs fixing if the other person involved in the situation is accepting of their behavior? Wouldn't he think all is right in the world?

[Satu]

Lying liars lie about lying.

[nikki76]

Lying liars lie about lying.

 

Yep. That's me. A liar all about the lying.

[nikki76]

I wait, that's a lie too

[Southern Sun]

I wait, that's a lie too

 

How are you doing, Nikki?

[nikki76]

How are you doing, Nikki?

 

I think I'm doing really good. I blocked him and I deleted my email that I've had forever.

I'm not sad and don't miss him at all.

 

He hasn't stalked my husband. Which I think it's making it so much easier to move on.

 

I'm just really angry at him, for pretending that I actually meant something to him. He saw I was having a weak moment in marriage and he took advantage of that. I'm really angry at myself for falling for it. And mostly for taking a risk of losing everything , my husband, kids and my entire life, for someone I meant absolutely nothing to. ive never hated anyone more in my life then I do him.

 

I'm not saying he was the only one at fault. But he knew exactly what he was doing to lure me in and that makes me hate him even more.

 

Unfortunately we had a very tragic event in my family last week and it made me realize how precious life is. In an instant, everything could be gone, literally. I have learned that the little things in life matter just as much as the big things. You are not promised tomorrow, so appreciate everything you have at this moment. Which is my family, my husband, my kids.

 

My husband and I have been doing more stuff together, projects around the house, we have a few vacations planned for the summer. I know he is making an effort to make me feel appreciated and I'm doing the same to him.

 

I am really looking forward to hopefully having one of our best summers yet.

 

Whew.....didn't think that was going to be such a long response lol

 

[Satu]

My husband and I have been doing more stuff together, projects around the house, we have a few vacations planned for the summer. I know he is making an effort to make me feel appreciated and I'm doing the same to him.

 

I am really looking forward to hopefully having one of our best summers yet.

 

Whew.....didn't think that was going to be such a long response lol

 

 

I hope you have that best summer too.

 

Sometimes happiness is just one thought away.

[nikki76]

I hope you have that best summer too.

 

Sometimes happiness is just one thought away.

 

Thank you! I have not felt this good in a long time and I'm savoring every moment.

[Southern Sun]

Hang on tight Nikki, just put one foot in front of the other in doing what you know is right. Hold on to the feelings that help you get there, no matter what they are - anger, sadness, realization in the fragility of life...whatever it takes. As you put distance between him and you, you will stronger every day.

[twosadthings]

You're angry at him for pretending he cared. You appreciate your husband now that you see the true nature of your cheating partner.

 

 

So what. What if he really cared for you? Would you no longer appreciate your husband? Would you still be using him for home repairs and satisfying him sexually? Would everything you've done be OK then?

 

 

You've still got a long way to go before you can put your betrayal behind you with this mindset and while hiding it from your husband.

 

 

Twosadthings

[KissofGrace]

I've done both ways and failed at both. Abruptly and sending NC letter. I think in my heart and mind, I wasn't done. This time, I've never been so sure od anything in my life.

 

I just abruptly went NC yesterday. I'm not sure if its the best way. Last time I did, he was pretty hurt and upset (or so he said).

 

But, part of me feels wrong for doing it this way. How could I end a year long A with no good-bye. I feel this might cause him to act out like he did before. Being best buddies with my innocent husband and being up his arse 24/7....not fair to my husband (none of it is, I know this!)

 

On the other hand, everytime ive gone NC and given him the old goodbye speech, he has ALWAYS disrespected me and contacted me. I'm no better, because I eventually gave in.

 

Ive finally realized that I'm nothing to him but an ego stroke.I'm tired of his excuses and only contacting me when its convenient for him. I'm not worth a 10 second email to say he cant text when he said he's going to. 10 seconds. I'm not worth that!!

 

I know I'm acting immature. But I'm done. I just want advice of what has worked best for you. No.... I'm not confessing. I know that would keep this guy away. But I'm not doing it.

 

Ive blocked on Facebook. After I run my marathon next week, im deactivating it. I set up a filter on my email where he gets an automatic email that says he's been blocked. And I blocked his cell number.

Sounds like you are doing a good job or will do. In addition i would change anything that may lead to a chance of you too running into each other. like where u get your coffee, put gas, gym you work out at...avoid places and routes u think he could potentially be at. Don't change your entire life, just be precautions in efforts to avoid and or reduce the possibilities. Also, i blocked mutual friends that might give him an update on me (on FB) hope that helps.

[nikki76]

You're angry at him for pretending he cared. You appreciate your husband now that you see the true nature of your cheating partner.

 

 

So what. What if he really cared for you? Would you no longer appreciate your husband? Would you still be using him for home repairs and satisfying him sexually? Would everything you've done be OK then?

 

 

You've still got a long way to go before you can put your betrayal behind you with this mindset and while hiding it from your husband.

 

 

Twosadthings

 

I never used him for home repairs. he happened to be working on our house and that's how the A began.

 

And I wouldn't say I was satisfying him sexually. I had sex with him three times. I had sex with my husband more then that in one night lol.

 

I don't know what I would do if he really did care for me..but that doesn't matter. I can't dwell on the what ifs. He doesn't and didn't and never will and I'm just grateful that I finally snapped out of it and can see what a horrible person I was

 

 

Whose to say I have a long way to go? No one can put a time frame on someone else's grieving time.

 

Judge me however you want.

 

Im on an emotional high right now, my life is going great. I didn't think I would ever feel somewhat normal again. i made a mistake, im getting myself out of it and I will not be forever branded because of it.

[twosadthings]

Nikki76,

 

 

This and other sites like it serve many purposes but inevitably original posters at some point stop posting.

 

 

If you are really beyond your cheating and your posting isn't your way to continue to be connected to some feeling you had when you were cheating maybe it's time to stop posting. Certainly the more posts you have means the more likely your husband can stumble upon them.

 

 

My previous post was meant to be harsh, this one isn't.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

[nikki76]

Nikki76,

 

 

This and other sites like it serve many purposes but inevitably original posters at some point stop posting.

 

 

If you are really beyond your cheating and your posting isn't your way to continue to be connected to some feeling you had when you were cheating maybe it's time to stop posting. Certainly the more posts you have means the more likely your husband can stumble upon them.

 

 

My previous post was meant to be harsh, this one isn't.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

 

I don't post because I still feel a connection to cheating. I post to try to help others that are also in my situation. And to also get advice from others that have been in my situation.

 

there are many times I feel this site actually sets me back. I'm so sick of the drama and the bashing from the betrayed spouses because I haven't confessed.

 

but no, I'm not going to stop posting here.

[Sub]

My WW got to the point you seem to be at. You're now wondering what you were to him exactly, what you meant to him. My WW had the same curiosity. And for a time she felt the need to find out. "What was I to you? Was I just a conquest?" And things of that nature. She tried to get it out of him because she wondered what was it all about then. And I believe it made her angry not to know. She contacted him for a while after D-Day trying to get an answer that pretty much never came. Or was never clear. My question to you is: do you think you'll have a similar desire to know what you meant to him?

 

Also, in fairness: you actually started a thread saying the only way out was disclosure. I'm glad to hear you're moving on and focusing on your M. But it's a little disingenuous to get on BS's for bringing up confessing when there was a point you yourself thought it was the way to go.

[nikki76]

My WW got to the point you seem to be at. You're now wondering what you were to him exactly, what you meant to him. My WW had the same curiosity. And for a time she felt the need to find out. "What was I to you? Was I just a conquest?" And things of that nature. She tried to get it out of him because she wondered what was it all about then. And I believe it made her angry not to know. She contacted him for a while after D-Day trying to get an answer that pretty much never came. Or was never clear. My question to you is: do you think you'll have a similar desire to know what you meant to him?

 

Also, in fairness: you actually started a thread saying the only way out was disclosure. I'm glad to hear you're moving on and focusing on your M. But it's a little disingenuous to get on BS's for bringing up confessing when there was a point you yourself thought it was the way to go.

 

I used to wonder what I meant to him. which I think was Why I gave in every time I went NC. Hoping to get that answer I was searching for. But for some reason, I now am able to see, I was nothing to him but a booty call and once it was strictly EA, I was just there to boost his ego.

 

yes, I did bring up a thread about confessing. There was a point that I felt the only way to rid xmm of us, was to confess. But for now, I'm sticking to my guns and plan on taking this to my grave. Xmm has not made any effort to contact me or my H, which makes such a difference in the moving on process, in a positive way.

 

Tonight, I deleted my Facebook, which was a huge step for me. No chance on him trying to contact me with a fake account. I've deleted my email and blocked his number with the phone company. I am determined this time to get this guy out of my life.

[MuddyFootprints]

I want to encourage your momentum and don't want to challenge you.

 

Stay on your toes and keep diligent. It takes time and a lot of hard work to learn new coping skills and to change our wayward thinking/behaviour.

 

Be prepared for the day that the truth comes out.

 

My best wishes to you.

[Sub]

You seem pretty resolute, so I wish you luck that you can maintain and keep moving forward from this. And not just from the MM, but from the need for attention from other men as well.