I'm on the fence about even being friends with him, what is wrong with me?

[HansonGirl]

TL;DR version: met Billy a few months ago and I find him attractive and i feel like we connect, but I have been sort of holding back truly being comfortable with him and being friends with him because of my past trust issues and also I want to be a mystery because that's what "The Rules" say to do. What should I do? let myself be friends with him? Why do i keep holding back? what's wrong with me?! it doesn't seem normal...

 

Long version:

So I have met a guy a few months ago, and I kinda find myself attracted to him. Let's call him "Billy"

 

But part of me, the part thinking about what I read in "Not Your Mother's Rules..." Book that says to not get too close and let him come to you all the time and all that, so I have been keeping a distance. I want to be a mystery because I want him to be curious about me, and I don't want to get too comfortable and him to "friend zone" me if it means nothing will EVER happen.

 

Additionally, (I've been told) I'm naturally stand-offish as it is. I was bullied growing up (i never really put the bullying label on it until recently when I have been trying to figure out why I am so untrusting of people... but i realized that how i was treated was "bullying." i never wanted to admit it) but i was bullied pretty much on and off in elementary school through high school. Getting cystic acne in high school didn't help. I literally stopped talking altogether more or less and could go the entire school day without saying a word. So i never reached out to anybody or attempted to make friends, because i thought that people wouldn't notice my bad acne if i didn't say anything and draw attention to myself. and I didn't look into people's eyes because i had the irrational thought that if i can't see them, they can't see me. (doesn't make sense) i just kept my head down. anyways, I think from the years of that happening in my adolescence has changed the way i approach people. my initial assumption is that people are NOT going to like me, or if i am overlooked on an invitation, i immediately assume that it was intended because they didn't want me there (instead of maybe just thinking they forgot me or didn't have my number or didn't think i wanted to go). so anyways i guess as some sort of defense mechanism i've developed over the years, my body language reads uninterested. the days of bullying are long gone. I am an adult now, but those tendencies linger. And an exboyfriend even said i came off uninterested when we started dating. And he's not the only one who hinted at it or made a comment that maybe i came off that way, that's just one example.

 

anyways, I digress a little but i thought that part was relevant to get to my question: anyways, so over the time of knowing Billy he initially seemed shy around me too, but i am starting to be more comfortable around him, and I realize that he's actually a really great guy. He is thoughtful and considerate, and pleasant in conversation. not to mention attractive (but not SO attractive he's arrogant about it). The last guy i liked was overly complimentary and then stood me up when were supposed to hang out as friends, and then he basically blamed me for that, and expected me to give him a hug the next time i saw him. I realized with that guy he came off phony to me, like he would make bitter and negative comments when i talked to him one-on-one but to the world he had to be this funny, happy guy and that was the image he wanted to project. He would always announce in front of everybody, "hannah, your hair looks so nice today."

 

Billy isn't like that. He doesn't come off phony whatsoever. but for some reason I still am holding back from being friends. I really could use a friend, even if something didn't happen with Billy, so why am I holding back? SHOULD I hold back? or should I allow myself to be friends with Billy? would being friends actually help the odds of something happening down the road? I really enjoy Billy's company and we get along fine. I think he finds me easy to talk to as well. I'm just trying to say that although i know billy is attractive, I'm not head over heels for him or anything like that, so this isn't some ploy to get with him. I am just saying, i would not be opposed to it if it did turn into something. we are both single, that's for sure.

 

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading!

[La.Primavera]

because “Not Your Mother's Rules” does not apply if you are just after friendship.

 

Since you are having a difficult time trusting and opening up I think you would be better off working on that. You should get to know Billy more. Be friends with him and let him get to know the real you.

 

If you find out you are both attracted to each other over time and you want to take it further that’s great, if not you have gained a good friend.

 

All the best.

[preraph]

^ Great advice. I understand how you built up defenses. I started out confident in grade school, then in middle school the bullying changed who I was forever because I too built up defenses. My defense was not to look down necessarily, though I did at times mostly with guys, but my problem was with girl bullies and I wasn't very tough, despite being a tomboy, so the route I went was to fake seeming tough to prevent any of them from wanting to fight me. It worked, too. Doing this, of course, kept me from being lighthearted and smiling much. I looked pretty unapproachable, I'm sure. Although it did really change me, I have to say you learn to use what you have, and I learned to use this same bravado in my career when necessary and I'm not sure I'd have been successful if I hadn't had it at my disposal.

 

Listen, there's a universal secret to be more successful with pretty much all men and women, and that is to force yourself to look up and smile openly or nod in a friendly way or say hi and acknowledge them. I know you have the skills to decide who you want to shine your light on, but I will give you one little tip about that, and that is that it is actually easier if you spread it around a bit so that you don't feel foolish and conspicuous when you shine it on the guy you like. If he sees you smiling and trying to look open and approachable with other people, this will put him at ease as well. It's time to get out of your comfort zone and "fake it to make it." You will force yourself to put a big smile on intermittently around other people and begin to look friendly and approachable. Let him see that, and then do the same to him and talk to him. Don't go into it assuming you know who he is or whether you'll still be interested after you get to know him. Just be open and get to know him and try to relax and not overthink things. And always remember that no one is paying as much attention to what you're doing as you are. Most people are oblivious.

[Satu]

Always and everywhere, be yourself.

 

Be the same person on the outside and the inside.

 

Be you.

[HansonGirl]

Thanks all. In addition to your advice, i have also been thinking just being myself and treating him like a friend is the best way to go, because that's the way that doesn't involve those silly "Rules." Plus someone else started another thread asking whether guys ever end up liking girls they were just friends with. Many guys answered and said yes. so what I am saying is us being friends doesn't eliminate the possibility of something coming out of it if we do end up liking each other. I guess I was thinking I rarely meet a guy like this, so do I need to seize the opportunity. but i am not going to lose anything by being friends. I will be lucky to have a good person as a friend :-)