Where are all the gentlemen?

[redheaded-squirrel]

Hi everyone,

 

I am just looking for advice, because surely I must be doing someting wrong. And I apologize if I sound conceited with all the "class" talk that follows, but that's the easiest way to explain it.

 

I was raised as a lady with my parents always having high expectations of politeness, grace, respect and proper conduct. I had Jackie Kennedy's poster on my wall instead of Britney Spears. Then naturally, I am more attracted towards men like JFK, Mr. Darcy, Chuck Bass and so on - true gentlemen.

 

It seems like I am asking for too much these days. I have a hard time finding someone well-mannered, educated and well-dressed, cultured, with due respect to women (who deserve it). Someone to take to a private gentlemen's club or an upscale restaurant without embarrassment. Guys my age (22) seem to be the opposite of this - if I ever want to discuss politics or philosophy with them, they just brush me off or see me as boring.

 

Recently, I though it might have a lot to do with the kind of men I am meeting and where. Obviously, I won't find gentlemen in cheap bars, but I haven't found them at university either. I fit more the definition of nouveau riche and I am not even filthy rich, so the kind of "old money" men from good families seem to be out of my reach. As for older men, I am not ugly, but I am not a 10 either and I don't dress provocatively, so that doesn't help because they tend to be looking for young beauties.

 

So my question is - where else can I meet the gentlemen? Where are they all hiding? (I hate to think that they died out around the time of Mr. Darcy, so I believe they are out there!) Where did you meet your lady/gentleman?

[endlessabyss]

Nice to see that women like you still exist.

[Woggle]

When there is more genuine demand for gentlemen there will be more supply.

[Tayla]

What social clubs have you tried? Polo, horse breeding, riders, golf, medical and engineering? I currently have five gents in my social circle and its a delight to be in their company. Refreshing! Keep up your decorum, these men do exist.

[Hawaii51]

There are plenty of gentlemen out there in all our forms, but you're very specific in the sort of stuffy gentleman you want. There aren't going to many suitors your age that will live up to those expectations, 22 yr old guys aren't sitting at home in their smoking jacket sipping on aged scotch.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

JFK was a gentleman? So your goal is to seek a male that is going to cheat on you? One that gained his position of power with the help of the mafia & his corrupt father, who got rich by smuggling? Then there's the members of Brigade 2506 that he's personally responsible for their deaths.

Edited May 9, 2015 by Clarence_Boddicker

[redheaded-squirrel]

Please, don't take my examples so literally Yes, JFK had lost of shady parts of his personality, but I would still include him in the list. My opinion on this might be controversial, but here it is: wealth sometimes also comes with political connections and with sketchy ways of doing business, especially in the part of Europe where I am from. It's almost unavoidable here. But at least in my experience, the business ways of these men are quite a separate issue from how they treat women.

[redheaded-squirrel]

There are plenty of gentlemen out there in all our forms, but you're very specific in the sort of stuffy gentleman you want. There aren't going to many suitors your age that will live up to those expectations, 22 yr old guys aren't sitting at home in their smoking jacket sipping on aged scotch.

Damn, then I am really doing something wrong - being 22 and sitting at home in my little black dress drinking gin and tonic. But alas, that's me.

[calvincline47]

Please, don't take my examples so literally Yes, JFK had lost of shady parts of his personality, but I would still include him in the list. My opinion on this might be controversial, but here it is: wealth sometimes also comes with political connections and with sketchy ways of doing business, especially in the part of Europe where I am from. It's almost unavoidable here. But at least in my experience, the business ways of these men are quite a separate issue from how they treat women.

 

Yeah, the most successful people that I know are generally pretty sketchy, in one way or another.

 

That's pretty much the only way to make good money without killing yourself.

[Hawaii51]

Damn, then I am really doing something wrong - being 22 and sitting at home in my little black dress drinking gin and tonic. But alas, that's me.

 

And me, driving a golf-cart around this mansion drunk while shooting my guns across the foyer at targets in my study. There has to be a lady in a black dress in one of these rooms.

[loveweary11]

Yeah, the most successful people that I know are generally pretty sketchy, in one way or another.

 

That's pretty much the only way to make good money without killing yourself.

 

This is true. A lot of the wealth you see pn the eastern seaboard in ny/miami is obtained in a questionable manner.

 

As long as nobody's getting killed... all good.

[empresario]

Welcome to the new age. A bunch of animalistic philistines that have no original though and piss on the idea of culture.

 

But you know what? Men of this generation are a product of their socialization. The deep, intellectual guys are down in the computer lab figuring out how to teach machines to bluff in poker. They are in their apartments on the weekend pursuing a passion or hanging out with equally outcast friends.

 

The thing is, innovation is the last bastion of solace for the gentleman. We are told we are strange. We are called socially inept. Instead of trying we retreat to what's comfortable and to the areas we have a chance to feel successful.

 

If you want to find a person of depth, stop looking in shallow water.

[calvincline47]

This is true. A lot of the wealth you see pn the eastern seaboard in ny/miami is obtained in a questionable manner.

 

As long as nobody's getting killed... all good.

 

This is true in Cali too.

 

I won't go into too many details here, but I know guys that are working multiple systems to their advantages.

 

One of my friends is a successful online business owner. We went on a trip together and he revealed that he's mostly involved in scams. I don't know how deep it goes though, but I do know that he makes a TON of money on the backs of more legitimate businesses (that are trying to be successful).

[No Limit]

Don't search actively, wait until your career and finances are up and stable and then you'll be able to spend time in places that value social interactions à la Knigge; until then, just have fun. At least that's my approach.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sounds like image is more important than substance to you. The part you seem to be missing is that blue bloods (old money) do not socialize with or accept the nuevo rich (new money), as Gatsby discovered. What you seem to want is mostly off limits, because you are not a member of that social class. Unless you get into royalty like Di, you don't have much chance of getting into those social circles. Having an education & a bit of manners does not make someone a gentleman. American society drastically changed in the late 1960s & the rigid social controls relaxed a bit. If it feels good, then do it has been the motto since. Sure many guys will still dress the part of a gentleman, but they don't think as one, because they were not raised as one. It's kinda gone back to quasi nobility in the west. Plenty of gentleman in Asia, especially in Japan. I kinda doubt that's what you really want.

[Revolver]

JFK was constantly cheating on his wife, what makes him a gentleman? Because he wore suits?

[preraph]

Jackie's was an arranged marriage, all about money. So she didn't just trip over Jack and fall head over heels. Their families were involved. You would know best where to find new money. Join a country club, take up golf, frequent expensive steak houses at happy hour (this will guarantee men, but they certainly will not all be polite by any means). Buy an expensive classic car and go to car shows. Best suggestion of all: Become active in charities and go to all fundraisers. This is where all the people with money who are also generous will be in one room. Some of them might well be polite. Volunteer to do fundraising for some of those charities.

[EveAFlame]

Has anyone chimed in with "feminism killed chivalry" yet? I hope I'm the first!

[Necris]

Sounds like you are looking for a rich guy.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Now I maybe wrong but with the examples of a gentleman you have that seems like that's what you are looking for.

Edited May 10, 2015 by Necris

[redheaded-squirrel]

Hi everyone,

 

I am just looking for advice, because surely I must be doing someting wrong. And I apologize if I sound conceited with all the "class" talk that follows, but that's the easiest way to explain it.

 

I was raised as a lady with my parents always having high expectations of politeness, grace, respect and proper conduct. I had Jackie Kennedy's poster on my wall instead of Britney Spears. Then naturally, I am more attracted towards men like JFK, Mr. Darcy, Chuck Bass and so on - true gentlemen.

 

It seems like I am asking for too much these days. I have a hard time finding someone well-mannered, educated and well-dressed, cultured, with due respect to women (who deserve it). Someone to take to a private gentlemen's club or an upscale restaurant without embarrassment. Guys my age (22) seem to be the opposite of this - if I ever want to discuss politics or philosophy with them, they just brush me off or see me as boring.

 

Recently, I though it might have a lot to do with the kind of men I am meeting and where. Obviously, I won't find gentlemen in cheap bars, but I haven't found them at university either. I fit more the definition of nouveau riche and I am not even filthy rich, so the kind of "old money" men from good families seem to be out of my reach. As for older men, I am not ugly, but I am not a 10 either and I don't dress provocatively, so that doesn't help because they tend to be looking for young beauties.

 

So my question is - where else can I meet the gentlemen? Where are they all hiding? (I hate to think that they died out around the time of Mr. Darcy, so I believe they are out there!) Where did you meet your lady/gentleman?

I should have added Jack Dawson to the list, because now it incorrectly seems like I only want to snatch a filthy rich guy. To be brutally honest with you - I have my own money and I am not one of those chicks that would drool over just any Mercedes and one dinner in a Michelin restaurant that the guy can barely afford. To use the words of Shania Twain, "that don't impress me much," I've got my own, thank you. If I only wanted money and some guy in a suit, I could just live with my father and never date or marry.

[carhill]

So my question is - where else can I meet the gentlemen? Where are they all hiding? (I hate to think that they died out around the time of Mr. Darcy, so I believe they are out there!) Where did you meet your lady/gentleman?

 

In your neck of the woods, when I was dating over there, I met ladies of interest most often at more formal social gatherings, as examples during intermissions at the symphony or opera and, of all places, at the circus. Obviously, an American in the FSU at that time stood out like a sore thumb but I found, in general, the ladies to be quite educated and cultured and they looked for similar, apparently, in men. I didn't have the education to their level, most definitely not the doctor who was a girlfriend for a year or so, but did have a modicum of culture which I guess they appreciated and found attractive. 'Old-fashioned' would be what it would be called here, along with not being 'greedy' (cheap).

 

You're young (22) so an age-appropriate social milieu of a more formal sort than casual clubbing might expose you to the type of young men you prefer. You may also experience more diversity and opportunities in the larger cities. I spend most of my time in Lviv, Odessa, Kiev and Moscow. The doctor I dated lived in Odessa. All fairly large cities. I met a pretty good sample of cultured young (20's) guys during those years simply as a byproduct of dating some ladies in their 20's who had male friends and hanging out with those male friends.

 

Just as I found myself trying something different when local dating didn't work, I would suggest that to you as well, not necessarily what I did but trying a different strategy to meet compatible men. One never knows unless they try.

[Teraskas]

Hah, I can certainly relate to the traits you're looking for. (Minus the money. )

Unfortunately, experience has shown that such a type of man is massively undervalued and unappreciated in today's dating scene.

[Popsicle]

Mr. Darcy was sexy as hell. One of the sexiest male characters of all time.

[No Limit]

most often at more formal social gatherings, as examples during intermissions at the symphony or opera

 

I'm a regular visitor of the opera and I've never seen someone in his 20's there, much less in my age (late teens). Youngest I've seen there were 13 year old boys who were quite obviously dragged along by the parents, and then there's an age gap to guys in their 30's, at best. Of course, that's only my experience, maybe it's different in the US.

 

As for places where 'upper social classes' could be met, stay away from luxury hotels. Since my family consists of 'ghetto snobs' I almost exclusively get my hotel rooms booked in the fancy hotels; and I swear, every single female who sees me gives me death glares. It's like they believe I'm an escort ordered by one of their husbands or that they feel threatened 'cause I'm half their age. It was amusing at first but honestly, it feels downright ominous after a while.

[lollipopspot]

My opinion on this might be controversial, but here it is: wealth sometimes also comes with political connections and with sketchy ways of doing business, especially in the part of Europe where I am from. It's almost unavoidable here. But at least in my experience, the business ways of these men are quite a separate issue from how they treat women.

 

Would you be very specific? How exactly do they treat women that you like?

 

I'm personally baffled by your post. You separate these men into: how (you think) they treat women, and how they might be in every other area of their lives. Don't you think the one bleeds into the other? That is, if a guy is dishonest in business, don't you expect that same guy to be honest with you? It's his way of relating to the world.

 

For myself, I look for people with integrity, (which precludes what you say above), who have values similar to my own, who are generous, kind, intelligent. They need these qualities in all areas of their lives. Funny is a great bonus. Money is immaterial.