Fade out after sex?

[kookie84]

Hi all, new here. Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this, maybe I just need to get my thoughts out to feel better, but advice, opinions and words of wisdom are always welcome.

 

As much as I hate to say it, I guess you could call this another case of a guy fading out or doing a disappearing act...? I'm not really sure, but that's what it looks like to me.

 

I (30) met this guy (31) back in November through a friend. Everything started out great -- excellent chemistry and we really clicked and got along and always had a great time talking and laughing together. We had what I thought was a great friendship and both agreed we had a very strong connection that neither of us has felt with the opposite sex in a really long time. So I gave it a chance and we started dating in January.

 

We had been talking every day since we met, from good morning to good night, but the dating part was very casual and we saw each other only maybe once every other week, more or less. That is, until March when the dates really picked up and we became increasingly intimate.

 

Suddenly, contact slowed down and the following pattern ensued: MIA for one day, then daily contact for a week; MIA for a couple days, then daily contact again; MIA for 3-4 days, then daily contact before disappearing again. During this time we set up maybe three dates, all of which he canceled on last minute. He always apologized for the lack of contact and the cancellations, saying it was because of his new job and things going on in his family, but always reassured me that he was still into me and cared about me, etc. (I never nagged or anything, FYI, though I did check in once to see if everything was okay, but this was all him without me having to ask)

 

By mid-April, we were barely talking, I hadn't seen him in weeks, and thought that if he was so busy I'd just let him be... or, maybe he was using being "busy" as an excuse. Who knows. Either way, I figured whatever it was was over and deleted his number. (Looking back, I feel kinda ridiculous that I waited that long to move on. I guess I was REALLY starting to like the guy.)

 

Then he came back. In full force. The good morning texts, check ins throughout the day, and good night calls suddenly came flooding in. I made it clear that if we were doing this again, he can't keep popping in and out of my life like before. He said things are better at work/his family, so it was just bad timing before, but that he really cares about me and wants to see if we can try again and see where things go.

 

So I gave him another shot. We went out on a couple dates and last week had sex for the first time. Then the guy went MIA for DAYS. I was livid and deleted his number again. Then on Wednesday, he texted asking me how sorry he is and that things are just super crazy at work and in his personal life, but that how he feels about me he hasn't changed.

 

Now, I haven't dated in a while -- I was in a long term relationship and after the breakup was single for a year to find and complete myself again, so yea I don't really know how things work anymore -- but when a guy disappears after sex, it just means one thing, right? That and "busy" is just one hell of an excuse.

 

Here's the kicker: today I found out that when we met, he had literally just gotten out of a 7-year relationship. Which explains a lot of his behavior and makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he does care about and is truly interested in me, but is just confused/conflicted, but it doesn't change the fact that I was more than likely a rebound and he feels nothing. I'm the first woman he's been with since the breakup, but maybe when he started getting "busy" he was just busy juggling me in his increasing rotation of rebound women? Or maybe the ex is still in the picture and he's not over her? I really don't know, my head is running to the worst places right now.

 

Frankly, I feel lied to and used.

 

And I don't know how to get over that feeling. I'm angry, I'm sad and I feel stupid for not knowing any better or seeing the signs. At the same time, I also know that his behavior was because of his own issues and want to believe that it has nothing to do with me.

 

Still, it's a crappy, crappy feeling

[FortunateSon]

Hurt people, hurt people...it's a pretty accurate statement. If he just had gotten out of 7 year relationship, he was/is probably not at a place emotionally where he is ready for any commitment, even if he thinks he is himself.

[losangelena]

OP, that sucks. It's hard to do, but try not to feel bad about not seeing the signs, etc. You're not stupid, and you have every right to be angry and hurt. I think you've given him enough chances, and even if he does care about you (he probably does), that doesn't change the fact that he's hot and cold, wishy-washy, and in no place to give you what you want or need, emotionally. Focus on what you want and what you're willing to put up with in a relationship. If what he's doing is acceptable to you, carry on, but if not, cut him loose.

[RoseVille]

Hurt people, hurt people...it's a pretty accurate statement. If he just had gotten out of 7 year relationship, he was/is probably not at a place emotionally where he is ready for any commitment, even if he thinks he is himself.

 

This. It really has nothing to do with the timing of sex, and everything to do with his attempts to date so soon after his R ended.

[SycamoreCircle]

Frankly, I feel lied to and used.

Don't. You SLEPT with a guy who was already giving strong signals that he was one-foot-in, one-foot-out. You contributed to the problem.

 

Take it from a guy who is struggling to get over a painful break-up: don't wait around for us. We're not worth it.

 

Go NC. Learn from your mistakes. Heal. Meet a guy who acts available and is available.

[guest569]

I dunno OP, I wouldn't go making excuses for him.. even if the busy schedule or breakup is an 'excuse' for this behaviour, it doesn't make it ok that he has done this to you (repeatedly). It doesn't take much time or effort to send a quick text before bed. Maybe he is conflicted, maybe he is juggling other women, doesn't matter because the result is the same. I think you were right to be livid, carry on with your life and forget about this one!

 

At the same time, I also know that his behavior was because of his own issues and want to believe that it has nothing to do with me.

 

This you are right about. it's on him, not you! He is the wishy washy one, whatever his issues are, it's not your problem anymore. You did nothing wrong aside from trust and give second chances to someone who has failed to prove his worthiness of that trust! Don't waste any more of your time wondering why. It is horrible though and I feel your pain! But you shouldn't beat yourself up over something that he has done.

[kookie84]

Thanks everyone for the honesty. It helps a lot, especially right now that I'm having a rough time not thinking about him and being sad about it tonight, but I'll get there.

 

It's weird because even though it wasn't a relationship, this definitely feels like a breakup. Maybe when he came back around I got my hopes up because i really like the guy. And thought he really did want to give us a chance. Now I know better I guess.

[kookie84]

This. It really has nothing to do with the timing of sex, and everything to do with his attempts to date so soon after his R ended.

 

Yup, putting it in that context really helps me wrap my head around the situation. So thank you.

[kookie84]

Don't. You SLEPT with a guy who was already giving strong signals that he was one-foot-in, one-foot-out. You contributed to the problem.

 

Take it from a guy who is struggling to get over a painful break-up: don't wait around for us. We're not worth it.

 

Go NC. Learn from your mistakes. Heal. Meet a guy who acts available and is available.

 

Thanks for this. The reason I felt used is because I had already started to write him off when he was clearly unavailable and noncommittal. But when he came back, I thought things had changed and it felt different and right and all that. I guess I blame myself for giving him another chance.

 

Nonetheless I don't disagree with you. Definitely NC on my part. Haven't heard from him either. Though I don't expect he will, I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that wishes he'd reach out to talk about things. I've just never been in this situation before and I just want some closure. But I hear people never really get that.

[kookie84]

OP, that sucks. It's hard to do, but try not to feel bad about not seeing the signs, etc. You're not stupid, and you have every right to be angry and hurt. I think you've given him enough chances, and even if he does care about you (he probably does), that doesn't change the fact that he's hot and cold, wishy-washy, and in no place to give you what you want or need, emotionally. Focus on what you want and what you're willing to put up with in a relationship. If what he's doing is acceptable to you, carry on, but if not, cut him loose.

 

I think that's what makes it hurt even more: that maybe he really did care about me, but just not enough to be honest with me. Or maybe he didn't and that's why he was able to keep the R from me and be so hold and cold towards me. You're completely right though. What really matters is that it isn't what I want, and he's not ready or capable to give me that. Thanks for the support.

[kookie84]

I dunno OP, I wouldn't go making excuses for him.. even if the busy schedule or breakup is an 'excuse' for this behaviour, it doesn't make it ok that he has done this to you (repeatedly). It doesn't take much time or effort to send a quick text before bed. Maybe he is conflicted, maybe he is juggling other women, doesn't matter because the result is the same. I think you were right to be livid, carry on with your life and forget about this one!

 

 

 

This you are right about. it's on him, not you! He is the wishy washy one, whatever his issues are, it's not your problem anymore. You did nothing wrong aside from trust and give second chances to someone who has failed to prove his worthiness of that trust! Don't waste any more of your time wondering why. It is horrible though and I feel your pain! But you shouldn't beat yourself up over something that he has done.

 

This was very empowering, I appreciate it. No matter which way I look at the situation, the fact of the matter is the result really is the same. I do blame myself for being so patient and giving so many chances. Now I just have to forgive myself, move on and forget.

[kookie84]

Hurt people, hurt people...it's a pretty accurate statement. If he just had gotten out of 7 year relationship, he was/is probably not at a place emotionally where he is ready for any commitment, even if he thinks he is himself.

 

This pretty much sums it up. After the initial shock, this was the first thought that I had. It has actually helped me be a little more understanding about the situation, but it doesn't hurt any less. I really wish I had known about it beforehand. That way, I could have at least managed my own expectations or not even have dated him. There I was, okay with everything because I thought it was just this casual thing. Then I thought it was actually heading somewhere when the dates picked up and when he was more serious the second time around. Now I feel like an idiot because that definitely wasn't the case.