Giggle Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 At least it seems strange. We were playing a war game on our phones and my friend had been friends with him. She said hey, talk to this guy, maybe he'll distract you from this stupid crush you have on this other guy who was very married. Suuuure flirting is fun, especially from a distance when I can be totally silly. And he was getting divorced so he was quasi available for flirty fun. I talked to him a bit and he was nice, but nothing like the witty banter from the married crush that took me awhile to get over. *sigh* a few months later (over a yr ago) I saw him on the app some of us on the game used to chat about the game and I messaged him. He was soo not my type and he's not witty, but very sweet and a great friend.. Easy to talk to. We texted every single day. Usually aaaall day long. Sexting too. I babble. He started the mushiness. Butthead. The understanding was that he was done being married to her, but it's all about the kids and he's not going anywhere. If I were a guy and looking at every other weekend with my kids, I'm not sure I wouldn't make the same decision. I just made the opposite decision - last year before I'd starting talking to my AP, my ex moved out. I'd spent over a year being done, just waiting for finances to enable my ex to get out of my house. It's long distance anyway, so it really was never supposed to be a thing. Just fun and friends. 9 months ago I got really upset with him. He promised he'd call that day, didn't and blew it off the next day. That was just my breaking point, so I started seeing other guys. 2 months later after sleeping with one I told him all about it and we hit another level of close. I tell him everything. The thought of being with somebody else is awful. Somebody else touching me. Ugh. A couple weeks ago his wife saw some of my messages and they had a big fight. He had always texted when he was home too, just never has notifications on. So late he was telling me. He wasn't sure what he was gonna do, maybe just leave messages on the game.. Mushy and that it'd been an awesome year.. He'd become my bestfriend. Next day he was messaging the same, interjected with his wife driving him nuts because she wanted to see him telling me goodbye. He finally deleted everything and then fake goodbyes. She wanted him to choose between us when he was never going anywhere anyway. Not now. He continued anyway. Just deleting regularly and telling me he was home, so no talking. But a week later she caught a "feel better" from John and decided it was still me. Which it was so then he deleted that app to make her feel better. But she's staying up later than normal so he's not alone. But we still message when he's at work. And if he leaves the house alone. Or if she leaves. Mostly it's just me chattering about my day..my life and him responding. He rarely ever says anything about her. Little more about his kids. Some days over 300 messages. That I can talk to him soooo much and not be feeling Ick, go away, is highly unusual for me. I treasure how accepting of me he is. And I'm very off mainstream. I'm pretty polar opposite of his wife. She's a girl. I have been on the other side. I just didn't make my then husband choose. I actually offered that she be his mistress so I could keep him. His OW made him choose. I didn't fight it. I didn't want to make him stay and have him resent me and be thinking of her. He talked about getting a prepaid phone to talk to me at work, to leave at work. He's not going anywhere. He has a 7yr old that adores him. I wouldn't want him to. She fears that. He does love me. But his parents divorced when he was 4 and he hated not having his dad there. I had a different experience with my parents and how toxic it is for kids and my parents got along fairly well, but it affected my health and my brother's. He puts it as we help each other with life. We're there for each other. Enjoy what we can have. He is sooo not somebody I would ever have looked twice at. Aaanyway. lol Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 The understanding was that he was done being married to her, but it's all about the kids and he's not going anywhere. No he's not. He's done when the ink dries on the divorce papers. You're only getting what he's telling you about his marriage. What exactly are you looking for from him? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I'm not sure from reading your post what you're actually getting out of this. No disrespect meant, but it sounds like you're just a bit lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Wouldn't it be better to find a friend to do that with? An actual friend who could talk to you any time, not just when their spouse wasn't around? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I think she gets off knowing he hangs on despite the wife's protests. It's an ego thing. Pretty selfish too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giggle Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 I was struck by how much you see that the married person was talking about their marriage. How awful it is or the the troubles they are having and garnering symphony in one way or another about how they just aren't getting what they need. I know that is a large part of what happened with my ex. I was struck by this was part of what made our ea odd. He says almost nothing about her or their marriage. Yknow sometimes how explaining it all out can make you help you see something you missed? You can see it from a different angle.. Sounding it out. I would never have gone with selfish, but you're entitled to your opinion. One never knows the whole story. Does it make you feel better to come down hard on people in this area of the forums? I get an amazing friendship. The lack of judging and accepting each other. and smiles. It has backed of significantly since she got mad. We're more just friends now then before. mostly he's been a best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) A best friend would have his best interests at heart and wouldn't get in between him and his wife. They wouldn't be complicit in deceiving his wife. Rather than continuing to keep contact behind her back, why don't you recognise your role as the third wheel in their marriage and back off. You are not good for his marriage, ergo not good for him. Why do you persist? Do you think your relationship is more important than the one he has with his wife? Edited May 10, 2015 by Sassy Girl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giggle Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 (edited) He's done when the ink dries on the divorce papers. This is just one of those things people say, because the truth is, final divorce papers does not make one done. Probably always one party still isn't done. Even if they are the one who filed. The point was that I'm not sitting here hanging onto some hope that he'll leave. Edited May 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giggle Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Perspective is a funny thing. And you have /one/, but obviously you're right. I'm evil incarnate. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Perspective is a funny thing. And you have /one/, but obviously you're right. I'm evil incarnate. Don't let the attacks get to you. You're not evil. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Not evil, which was YOUR word...but very immature. For you, this is all fun and games, trying to keep in contact and see what the wife does. It's actually pretty sad that this is how you roll. When you start to mature, you will see how silly and juvenile the behavior has been. He is choosing to stay, no matter how you try to justify his staying (for the kid). If he is such a great dad, why is he "always" messaging you when he is at home? Why aren't you respecting boundaries for him as a father? You don't care about his "relationship" with his kid, you just want to be in constant contact with him. Whereas he has a wife, a kid and a life...you have him to text/message. Go get a life..go outside, meet actual people in person. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm pretty sure no here said you were evil; my question was a sincere question. I was legitimately wondering what you were getting out of this. No snark intended. As for being selfish? The second you step into the role of an OW, you become selfish, which would make about 85% of the people who post on this board selfish. It's just one of those things you're going to have to own up to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giggle Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Evil was a light hearted comment and directed at those who can only see that I'm wrong. Ok. I'm wrong. Got it. I'm not going to argue any justifications. I thought maybe they would drop it if I conceded. Everybody is a bit selfish, it's the level... And there is always going to be somebody upset about it. I'm just not thinking about the person some want me to be thinking of. I'm naive enough yet to believe someone when they say it isn't like that. He never messaged around his kids. I can see how that could have sounded. I don't know why I opened my mouth actually. It only recently clicked that this area was here and commiserating with people in similar craziness sounded good. I know how dumb it all sounds to the populous. Link to post Share on other sites
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