Adoraxx Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Regarding another post that I've read on this site... I'm curious to hear if you had expectations each and every time you had sex with the MM. * did you expect him to contact you after sex? * did you want him to? * were you okay with it if he would ignore you after sex? (until the next time) * were you expectations met? Curious to hear your answers! For me, I definitely expected to hear from him after sex, but I almost never heard from him which was one of the reasons for me not to have sex with him anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I absolutely had that expectation, although we were in such regular contact that it frankly would have been strange to not to hear from him, sex or no sex. He never went silent afterward, but his guilt was obvious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adoraxx Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I absolutely had that expectation, although we were in such regular contact that it frankly would have been strange to not to hear from him, sex or no sex. He never went silent afterward, but his guilt was obvious. How did you notice that he felt guilty? Would he talk about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I never had that issue. I never needed to have that expectation because he would never have sex with me if he could not spend at least an hour with me afterward and he would call me as soon as he left. He rarely got more than a mile down the road before he called. We'd talk his entire drive home. Then he would text me pretty much all night long. It was fun for a while but the texting all day and all night started to be too distracting. I stopped having sex with him after about 3 months, since he was remaining with his wife. But he still would not go away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 How did you notice that he felt guilty? Would he talk about it? He'd be quieter, withdrawn, almost sad, so introspective you could actually see the wheels turning in his head. He really felt that he was living a double-life that couldn't be resolved. His face and actual words said something like, "I can't believe I just did that to my wife; yet I want to stay here with you and not go home. How can something that makes me so happy also make me feel like a horrible person?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 MM never felt guilt for having the affair. I think he felt resentful towards her and that he deserved to have the happiness he felt being with me. Where he feels guilt is in leaving her, so much so that apparently he won't do it despite saying he doesn't want to be married to her anymore and wants a divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 MM never felt guilt for having the affair. I think he felt resentful towards her and that he deserved to have the happiness he felt being with me. Where he feels guilt is in leaving her, so much so that apparently he won't do it despite saying he doesn't want to be married to her anymore and wants a divorce. Mine too! Repeatedly said he didn't regret anything. And his resentment is huge, and yet I also imagine just the tip of the iceberg. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Resentment is really bad. It eats away at you and, obviously, your relationships. Getting over resentment takes work. I think many men in the U.S. feel unappreciated and expendable, un-cared for. And I think that is why they become resentful. Just my observation / opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Roseville and Adoraxx, thank you for the conversation today. It has been quite helpful (and validating). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Roseville and Adoraxx, thank you for the conversation today. It has been quite helpful (and validating). I was gonna say the same. This forum has started my day off on somewhat of a liberating way. I feel... empowered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Me too! Funny how that works. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He would call me the day after heavy intimacy. I don't say sex because we didn't have much sex, our A was mostly very physical and very emotional. But if we did have sex or extreme intimacy, he would call. One time after we did have six and another of heavy intimacy, I told him I was surprised he was calling me because he usually didn't the day after we would meet. He said "we were intimate, so of course I'm calling you." I would always hope to hear from him after our time together, so those times he'd recognize that and call made me feel loved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Do I have expectations after sex? Sure. Respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wishful-thinking Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 This post is so helpful. I was always expecting communication after sex and he would always write or call straight away. But the last time we jumped back into our affair he stopped doing it, and it hurt like hell. Yes, it is all about Respect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 In my case sex would come in one-week spurts (because for a long time we were together full time one week and 1000 miles apart the next week - and every other week like that). We had constant communication anyway, but he would always call after the airport scene (after he or I went through security) and we would talk until they gave the order to turn electronic equipment off. If he had not done that, I would have been much more of a mess than I was. Those ongoing separations were the worst, especially after a week of being completely intimate. I can't imagine having sex with someone and then having them just ignore you afterward. I feel for anyone who has to go through that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Regarding another post that I've read on this site... I'm curious to hear if you had expectations each and every time you had sex with the MM. * did you expect him to contact you after sex? * did you want him to? * were you okay with it if he would ignore you after sex? (until the next time) * were you expectations met? Curious to hear your answers! For me, I definitely expected to hear from him after sex, but I almost never heard from him which was one of the reasons for me not to have sex with him anymore. I expected him to snuggle me and hold me until we fell asleep after sex. And I expected him, absolutely, to contact me afterward and stay in touch. Only one time did we not spend the night after sex, and he texted me as soon as he could. But even that bugged me. I won't do it again. It felt cheap to me, and he never otherwise made me feel cheap. In fact, it was the feeling of being adored and valued, in an A way, that gave the whole thing its energy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Yes, I do but I am very picky about who I have sex with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) Regarding another post that I've read on this site... I'm curious to hear if you had expectations each and every time you had sex with the MM. * did you expect him to contact you after sex? * did you want him to? * were you okay with it if he would ignore you after sex? (until the next time) * were you expectations met? Curious to hear your answers! For me, I definitely expected to hear from him after sex, but I almost never heard from him which was one of the reasons for me not to have sex with him anymore. It depends on the relationship you have. I've been with taken guys twice. One I don't really consider an affair in that we didn't have a relationship or emotional attachment, it was just sex. We spoke mostly when we were flirting and were going to meet up for sex. After sex I didn't necessarily expect anything. I knew we'd speak again next when either of us wanted to hook up again. Otherwise I didn't have feelings for him and didn't care what he did. In the actual A it was more of a relationship, we had feelings for each other, I treated him like a bf and he treated me like a gf, so no I wouldn't expect him to just ignore me after sex. We were also long distance so when we did have sex it was because one of us came a far way (by plane) to be with the other and we'd spend days or a couple weeks together so there wasn't ever a case of just having sex then leaving. If your AP (or any man) ignores you after sex, understand that it means it's just sex and once he gets off that's it until he is horny again. If you want more or think it's more, it's not. If you're not fine with that I'd suggest ending it as that's all it is to him. Edited May 9, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm struggling to recall a day in our entire A where he hasn't contacted me in some way, sex or no. It's actually never really occured to me that he wouldn't. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Regarding another post that I've read on this site... I'm curious to hear if you had expectations each and every time you had sex with the MM. * did you expect him to contact you after sex? * did you want him to? * were you okay with it if he would ignore you after sex? (until the next time) * were you expectations met? Curious to hear your answers! For me, I definitely expected to hear from him after sex, but I almost never heard from him which was one of the reasons for me not to have sex with him anymore. Good lord, yes, I expected to be contacted! We weren't trading sexual services, it was a relationship, so yes I would expect my significant other to contact me, to engage with me, etc. I don't do well being ignored. He knew that as my MM and he knows it as my husband. :laugh: 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm struggling to recall a day in our entire A where he hasn't contacted me in some way, sex or no. It's actually never really occured to me that he wouldn't. Me too. Contact was regular and consistent, just like in a "normal" R. The contact stopped when he ended the A to work on his marriage. Now our contact is limited to business/work dealings. And really... it sucks. I know it's in my best interests, but it still sucks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Oh my god, if my guy ever ignored me he would soon know it was a grave error. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 MM and myself have never gone LC, our contact had always been consistent. In saying that, we don't call or text on a daily basis, but we email a lot, sometimes multiple times during the day, and that's where we say whatever needs to be expressed. I am very busy in my daily life, and I am also conscious of the timing of my texts to him although our texts are coded in a way that anyone reading them would think its work-related. So today, I got a call from him wishing me a Happy Mother's day, I didn't expect that but I expected an email from him as he always greets me on special occasions, whether he's in the country or not, or even if we're meeting on the day. There's always contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adoraxx Posted May 10, 2015 Author Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thank you so much for all of your replies, it's very helpful to me too!! First of all, regarding the guilt & resentment: I don't think my MM felt resentment towards his W. He never spoke bad of her and I have no idea what he's really thinking and if he ever feels resentment. I don't think so... Guilt, on the other hand, he felt all the time. Of course, especially after sex. One time he said he feels "pain for her" (this was after he had been pushing me to have sex with him even though I made it clear to him that I can't deal with it emotionally). It hurt to hear that he said he felt pain for her, because I was like: "And what about me? Don't you feel any pain for me??" And then the respect... yes, it all comes down to respect when you're in an affair and when someone tells you "I love you" before the sex, yet after the sex he can't even take the time to contact you. I don't think my MM had any respect for me. It also showed in the way he always disappeared without even as so much giving me an explanation for the disappearances. And I can as well be honest on this site... My story is that I met the MM more than 7 years ago. It all started hot and heavy with lots of "I love you's" and "I wish I could be with you" but after a few months he discarded me for the first time. After this, he came back (like they all do) but it was never the same again and I felt like an object to him. Since then it has been a continuous struggle to say no to him. To stop having sex with him, I mean. Which was not easy because the MM could be very convincing in his love bombing after each disappearance. Anyway, I had held off on having sex with him for the past THREE YEARS. Three years without sex and I know he resented me for that, perhaps even hated me. Yet I knew I had to stick to 'no more sex'. He is my neighbor so he has been pressuring me all along, trying to use several tactics to make me give in again: 'Loving' me/ manipulating me/ getting angry at me/ disappearing/ ignoring... he tried out every tactic he could think of but I didn't give in for three years). That is, until yesterday. I was SO stupid and I'm beating myself up over this: I gave in yesterday and had a quickie with him. It's not like I got any pleasure from it and that was not even my intention, I just got so exhausted from the continuous pressure.. I don't know if this makes sense. You have to know that I do love this man, I really do and it's so difficult to say no to someone you love..... It's hard to explain but I think the pressure got too much for me, I couldn't take it anymore that he was holding the 'no sex' against me ---- even though over the years, I told him repeatedly that it's not just best for me not to have sex, but best for him also... because HE is always the one who felt so guilty. To make a long story short (there's so much more to tell), I had that quickie with him yesterday (first time in 3 years) and I could tell afterwards that he felt awkward and probably guilty too. I knew this would happen. Perhaps now he'll realize that I was right all along (about the guilt and me not being to able being in an A) and he'll stop pressuring me and putting all blame on ME??? I know it's very warped thinking... And I do feel very sad about giving in, I really shouldn't have done so. And I haven't heard from him anymore, not an email, nothing. Despite all his promises where he said he would stay in touch with me, and he 'loves me soooo much' and blah blah blah blah. Anyway, I guess I'm still the one to blame. It's my own stupid decision to give in yesterday. How stupid stupid stupid 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 OP - He is showing you who he is, believe him. His actions aren't lying. So be your own best advocate. Is this fair to you? Is this what you deserve? Are you unreasonable in what your expectations? I think you know the answer to all of this and you will get to a point that no amount of love bombing will sway your mind in forgetting the disrespect he has leveled on you. ((((((((big hugs)))))))) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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